Seeing the doctor can be an intimidating experience. Although they are professionals who only care about your health and wellbeing, some issues are just naturally awkward to bring up to them. Unfortunately, sometimes what is supposed to be a routine check turns into an absolute nightmare—one that will stay to haunt you with embarrassment forever. Here are some of the most humiliating moments people have had at the doctor's office:
1. Doctor Handsy
This was mildly awkward I guess for everyone involved. I was the patient in this case. I went to the hospital to have a cyst removed from my armpit. I suppose because the armpits are so close to the chest, they needed to give me a breast examination to make sure there was nothing bad going on there. I didn’t make a big deal of it.
So, there I was in one of those ghastly gowns. The curtain twitched aside and in came a young male doctor and a female nurse (I guess male doctors are not allowed to examine female patients without another person present). The nurse, on one side, held my hand and made small talk in an effort to distract me from being embarrassed. It was kind of awkward anyway.
It got really awkward when my nipples became really pointed. I was blushing from head to toe. The poor doctor who probably hadn’t examined many younger women slipped up. He said, "You have lovely breasts. Uh…healthy breasts." The nurse (she was of a certain age where she had clearly didn’t tolerate any nonsense) was still holding my hand and I felt her grip tighten.
I looked up and she was giving him this frightening glare in awkward silence. The doctor blushed as much as me. Those few seconds felt like an eternity—they were probably worse for the doctor. The nurse told me I would be transferred to another ward later and to relax.
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2. My Problem Was Rare, But Not Unheard Of
I had a recurring/constant ear infection for probably around eight months one year. I did a tele-visit with a new primary care doctor, and he prescribed antibiotics. He told me if it didn’t clear up that, I would have to go to the ear, nose, throat doctor (ENT). I finished the round and my ear cleared for a little bit but then returned to being fully messed up.
There was a long wait time for doctors and specialists where I lived, so many months after my ear infection had started, I finally went to the ENT. He took one quick look in my ear and led me to another room. He had me lie on my side and pulled out a hearing aid dome that apparently had fallen off and gotten stuck in there. I couldn't believe my eyes.
I was embarrassed since I had lost a dome but figured it had fallen out somewhere and not into my ear. I never connected the timeline of the two incidents, so I didn’t piece it together as an option for what might possibly be wrong. He tried to reassure me that it happens pretty often, but then he added that it usually happened to elderly patients, and I was probably the youngest person he had pulled one out of.
3. It’s Not Where You’re Going, It’s How You Get There
I have a very bad sense of direction. At the hospital one time, I went to the bathroom to give a urine sample and quickly realized that I couldn't remember how to get back to my doctor's room. I don't know how many waiting rooms and crowded corridors I awkwardly wandered through, all the while holding a cardboard cup of my own pee.
4. Hello, Operator?
I worked on the switchboard at a major hospital. The calls are normally pretty straightforward. But I had this one lady call up with the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. She was saying that she had spinal fluid coming out of her nose. I had to somehow explain—to an adult—that the fluid coming out of her nose was mucous.
It was an awkward phone call for both of us.
5. The Scent Of Shame
I was five years old and thought that air freshener was EAR freshener. So I plugged the end of a Febreze into my ear and let loose. I actually made it to the second ear—then I realized I had SERIOUSLY messed up. I had burning pain and had damaged my eardrums from the pressure. I went to the ER, and my father was freaking out, thinking I had gone deaf. He was asking why nobody was helping us and staring at the TVs. It was September 11th, 2001—and there I thought I was having a bad day.
6. Getting Physical
So I needed a physical. Needless to say, this is definitely one of the most awkward moments of any incoming freshman's first high school experiences. I walk into the office and do all the routine work. I pee in a cup, weigh myself, provide my height, etc. Then, the doctor comes in to check for a hernia. Nothing out of the ordinary so far.
So I pull down my pants and the doctor checks my private area. He then looks up at me and says, "You know, you have extremely large privates. I don't think I have seen any this big in a very long time." He continued to make casual chit chat about my size for the remainder of the checkup. Nothing in my life ever feels awkward now, because that moment always takes the cake.
7. Please Set My Alarm
My grandfather lived in the countryside and was the only doctor working in a wide area. He was a general doctor, a surgeon, an OB. Basically, he was whatever kind of doctor his patients needed him to be. Needless to say, being the only doctor around for miles, he worked really long days and often got very little sleep.
As you can imagine, there were no cell phones at the time. My grandma took the calls and he often came back home to learn that he had to go right back out. Anyways, one night he got a call from a pregnant woman far from his home. She was expecting any minute and needed him to be there. It was pretty late after a really long day but he agreed.
He went to see her and laid down next to her in the bed. He told her to wake him up when she went into labor. She must have thought it was pretty strange. Pretty sure the screaming would wake him up.
8. It Was Not A Cover-Up, Just Cover Girl
When I was about nine years old, my mom had some brownish lipstick. As a prank, I put in on my underwear and walked around the house with my pants sagging. I forgot about it, and that night I got up to go pee. When I went to lie back down, the spring popped out of the bed and cut my side really bad. I got to the hospital and remembered about the underwear after they asked me to change into a gown.
I didn't want to have my rear sticking out from the gown, so I kept my underwear on. After they stapled me up, they asked my mom to leave, and they asked me again what happened. I guess they saw my fake poo-stained undies with blood and were wondering what was going on in my house. My mom was mad, but we laugh about it now.
9. Command Performance
I had a pilonidal cyst that I needed to go get lanced and drained since I wasn't able to sit or wear pants due to how sensitive it was. I got to the doctor and he was amazed at how large the cyst had gotten. He wanted to bring in the nurses, students, and some other interested parties to show them a "prime example of this kind of cyst."
Flash forward two minutes and I've assumed the position over an examination table with my pants at my ankles and about seven to ten people gasping and speaking in hushed voices about an egg-sized cyst right above my butt. I just found the whole situation amusing, luckily. Otherwise, it probably would have been mortifying.
10. I’ve Got A Bright Idea
A friend of mine had just graduated from nursing school and was working in a hospital. One night, they had a man come in with a very unique problem. Apparently, this guy had shoved an ordinary household lightbulb up his bum. I’m not sure what the guy was thinking. The sun might not shine down there but maybe a halogen bulb will?
Anyway, to make matters worse, the bulb had shattered. My friend spent hours shining a light up this guy’s bum which was held open with spreaders and helping the doctor as he removed shards of the lightbulb.
11. I Felt Like The Butt Of A Joke
I had a cyst on my upper rear crack for the better part of a month. One lovely Saturday morning, it got so large and swollen that I couldn’t even walk or sit down without crying in pain, so I went to the doctor. I was the first person to urgent care that morning. I found myself lying sideways on a table with the doctor using a scalpel to force an eruption of the volcano that had formed between my cheeks.
12. Lost and Found
I once went to the gynecologist’s office to get this stinky smell checked out. As they were checking me, they discovered the source of the smell—and it was worse than I had ever imagined. They found a feminine hygiene product still up there in my body from the previous month. I had allowed a medical student to observe. This experience was pretty mortifying, even though I’m not usually a shy person.
13. It Ain’t Food Poisoning
A couple came into the hospital one day. The woman, who was very obese, was complaining about severe stomach pains. It didn’t seem like she was in any kind of immediate danger so the doctor just took her in for a routine examination. What he found nearly floored him. The doctor found out that she was pregnant and that she was experiencing contractions. She was about to deliver.
The woman was in total disbelief. She said, “I take the pills every day.”
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14. Mocked For Misunderstanding
I was a little kid and was at the doctor’s office. He asked me my name, date of birth and then asked, "Sex?" He meant male or female, but I was young, so I didn’t know. I got nervous and felt awkward. I immediately turned to look at my mom and quickly said, "No, I'm too little," thinking I was going to get in trouble. They both just laughed at me.
15. Ain't That a Kick in the Head
The most awkward and embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me at a doctor’s office took place during my annual checkup one year. Like at most checkups, my doctor tapped my knee to check my reflexes. When she did so, I accidentally kicked her directly in the face. I felt so bad for her, but I also struggled to hold back laughter…
16. To Be Taken Orally
A friend of mine was in medical school doing a rotation as an ER doctor. She told me this story about the most awkward patient she ever had. One night, a man came into the hospital escorted by officers. He had a blanket over his shoulders and he was wearing blood-soaked boxers. He was quite docile so my friend couldn’t get much out of him.
Before checking him out, my friend asked the officers what had happened. Apparently, the guy had sawn off his own member with a bread knife and proceeded to swallow it. Yup.
17. A High-Pressure System Rolled In…And Out
I use a CPAP machine. For a while, I had stopped using it, and during that time I had lost about 40 pounds. When I started using it again, the first night, the pressure was way too high for the new me. It pumped in so much air that I swallowed a lot. The next day I was in agony, so I made an appointment with the gastroenterologist. I had to explain to the doctor that I had made an appointment because my CPAP was set too high, so I spent the entire weekend in pain, bloated with gas and passing wind nonstop.
18. Right Place, Wrong Time
My poor, poor OB/GYN. He's a younger, very awesome male doctor and, as a result of this, is very calm and soothing to his patients, making sure to over-explain anytime he comes in contact with a patient. It's very adorable actually. I had totally forgotten that I had an annual exam with him and had some pretty rough bedroom activity a day or two before.
I get into the room and the nurse instructs me to undress and put on the paper gown as usual. As I was undressing, I looked down and remembered that my breasts were black and blue and that part of the exam is the breast exam. The look of horror on the doctor’s face when he pulled my gown away still remains unparalleled.
He asked me in a concerned voice if it was going to hurt me to do the exam and I had to fight back the laugh when responding. He then did a very fast and light breast exam before getting really fascinated with one of the bite marks he spotted. He started to comment on it and then quickly replaced my top and moved on with the exam.
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19. Come Again?
I’m not a doctor but I had a really awkward experience with one. I gave myself a hernia when I was lifting an extremely heavy gate. I went to the hospital and, for whatever reason, they had to conduct an ultrasound on my testicles. The doctor was a female which was fine with me because, I assumed, she was a professional and we were both adults.
Anyway, when she was applying the gel to my balls I said, "That feels weird." I only said it because I thought it might be relevant. She stopped immediately and said, "Did you just say that feels good?" I must have turned lobster red. I was like, "No, weird. It feels weird." What followed was the most awkward silence of my life.
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20. I Clapped Back With A Tall Tale
I was in another country and got chlamydia while I was there. I pretended to be my friend, so I wouldn’t have to pay a fee to see the doctor. My friend was married, so they tried to call her husband to inform him “his wife” had an STD. I had to think fast so they wouldn’t call him—but I'm not proud of what I said. I told the doctor an elaborate lie about him knowing I had relations with someone because he “likes to watch and not partake.” Therefore, we weren’t intimate, so he couldn’t have gotten it. Hence, there was no need to call him. I don’t know what I was thinking, but the horrified look on the 75-year-old doctor's face was hilarious.
21. Placing the Blame
This wasn't embarrassing for me, but it was very embarrassing for my dad. When I was a little kid, about six or seven years old, my body used to bruise really easily. So, one day, my dad took me to the doctor and I had to take my shirt off. My chest and arms were covered with bruises from top to bottom because I had been play-fighting with my brother the day before. Nevertheless, the doctor shot my dad the nastiest look I've ever seen.
22. Behind Door Number One…
I’m an ER doctor. I had a really awkward experience when I was in training. I had a chart in the rack with a chief complaint of psychiatric evaluation. As soon as I picked it up, some of the older nurses in the department started giggling. I had no idea why until I opened up the curtain to the room. I’ll never forget the experience.
In front of me was a relatively normal-looking female in her 20s. As soon as I started asking her basic questions, I knew something was off. She was providing very bizarre answers. Then, out of nowhere, she took her hand and reached under the blanket and her gown towards her back. Her hand came up with a fistful of poop.
She then proceeded to go straight to her mouth with it. It caught me so off guard I actually started laughing and walked directly out of the room and called the on-call psychiatrist. The nurses outside had been laughing because this wasn't the first time she had been in for similar behavior.
23. The Pirate's Life Isn't For Me
When I was about 13, I had been watching a documentary about pirates and decided I wanted to look like one and have an earring on one ear. So, I went to use one of my little sister's stick-on earrings. Somehow it ended up inside my ear canal rather than on my earlobe. While I was trying to get it out, I pushed it in deeper to the point that no one could get it out. We had to go to urgent care. I was embarrassed to tell my parents, let alone a doctor, how and why it happened since I was old enough to know better. It was a pretty ridiculous story.
24. Too Soon
This happened to my dad. In fact, he told this story again yesterday. He was going in for a vasectomy after I was conceived. I guess I just made the cut! They shot him up with the numbing medication, but the doctor didn't wait long enough for it to take full effect. He did the first pinch and snip and the pain was so bad that my dad puked directly on the nurse in the room.
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25. It Wasn’t Me
I'm a very anxious person. I went to see my doctor about said anxiety and whilst sitting there listening to him talk about medication, I was of course beginning to feel increasingly more anxious. An immediate symptom of anxiety is sweaty hands, and so I was sitting there with my hands becoming clammy and I was holding them together on my knees.
When it came to my turn to talk, I anxiously squeezed my clam-hands together and made a very authentic sound of passing gas. I didn't really know what to do so I sort of made an "Oh!" expression and said sorry. He said it was fine but it was on my mind the rest of the day. I still think about it.
26. It Was A Sore Subject
I had discovered sores on my tongue and thought I might have an STD. I panicked. I was extremely worried, so I went to my doctor. As it turned out, my new toothbrush was more firm than I was used to. Apparently, I had brushed my tongue so hard with it that I caused damage to it. The doctor prescribed me a softer toothbrush.
27. Deja Vu
While I was in labor with my first child, they noticed that her heartbeat had started dropping. The doctors began telling me that I had to try lying in different positions on the bed because the cord might be around her neck and we urgently needed to alleviate the pressure. They put me on my left side, then my right side.
Nothing was helping, so they had me get on my hands and knees on the table. Me, in my highly medicated and not fully alert state, declared proudly that this was the same position that my child was conceived in. The whole room collectively paused for a moment, in the midst of this emergency, to try and process what they had just heard…
28. Attaboy
I'm not a doctor but an ophthalmic assistant. Part of my job is poking people in the eye with a tiny ultrasound "pen" (tonometer) to test eye pressures. It's not too uncommon for people to faint during this test, because they hold their breath or just get freaked out from sitting still having their eyes poked. It’s a common phobia.
I was administering this test to a young man, around 18 years old, while his father was in the room. His dad was going to pay for laser eye surgery and was there for support. Well, despite playing brave, the kid fainted. He fainted right into my chest. My chest was huge at the time because I was three months pregnant, so he got a soft landing.
I would normally catch a patient and assist accordingly, but this kid just fell forward before I could catch him. I dropped my pen and put my hands on his shoulders to push him back into the chair. Then he moaned, then kind of rolled his head side to side, with his face disappearing into my lab coat. All the while his dad was in the room, staring, stunned, and wide-eyed.
After the kid recovered (his dad finally stood up and helped me get his head between his knees) he was a little disoriented and glazed. He looked at his dad, who said "Attaboy." I nearly fainted from embarrassment.
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29. My Discomfort Was Nothing To Sneeze At
I would get eye infections fairly easily, so at the first sign of something being wrong, I usually took note. At the time, my parents had just moved to a new home and invited me to spend some time there and help them unpack. My eyes were very sensitive. So much so that I was basically in a constant state of crying. Tears were running down my face with no effort from me whatsoever.
After a day or so, I told my dad that something strange was happening, and my eyes wouldn’t stop leaking tears. So he recommended that I go to the eye doctor just in case there was a significant problem. I had never experienced anything like that, and it was so consistent that I was convinced my eyes were warning me something was wrong. The doctor heard what I had to say, looked at my eyes, and just said, “You have allergies.”
30. Motherly Instinct
So, I'm at the doctor getting my private area checked from my doctor, who is in her late 40s. She starts making small talk and eventually asks me where I go to school. I say the name of my high school, and she says, "Oh, my son goes there!" Suddenly, I realize that my doctor has the same last name as one of my best friends from school.
I then remember that my friend's mom is a doctor. That’s when it hits me that my friend’s mom is touching my privates. While extremely awkward in the moment, it was pretty funny for me at school the next day. I couldn’t wait to tell my friend: "So I met your mom yesterday. She said I have a very healthy you-know-what."
31. Some Like It Rough
I had a woman come in complaining of pelvic pain once. Her boyfriend accompanied her and suddenly became nervous and uncomfortable when I asked her when the pain developed. She said it started about a week before when she and her boyfriend were having a romp in the sack. I was like, yeah, definitely time for the pelvic exam.
I noticed that when I started the pelvic exam, the boyfriend bolted out of the examination room. Turns out, the patient had a vulvar hematoma. Maybe don't Google image search that if you're queasy. It's trauma typically seen with bicycle accidents when a patient hits the seat. Hard. That wasn’t the awkward part though.
The awkwardness was in telling the boyfriend to take it easy.
32. I Was Clear Out Of Pride
When I was 12, I had a terrible stomach ache. I couldn't even move. Somehow my mom and my sister took me to the doctor. They said that I had to use an enema. I said, "Ok, what is that?" I looked at my mom and sister, who were trying hard not to laugh. They told me what it was. Then I went to the hospital bathroom with my mom. I kept yelling, "DON'T PUT IT ALL IN!" as she was going as deep as she could. It hurt, but at least I could finally poop.
33. What a Way to End Their Day
This happened at the pharmacy at my doctor's office. I had just had a wisdom tooth removed, and a stubborn one at that. I had it removed in the morning and I was feeling good, not sick or anything for most of the day. But by the time the next day rolled around, I was the sickest I had ever been. Everything I did made me vomit, even just moving more than a few feet around.
The dentist didn't think to prescribe me any antibiotics or anything, so I had to call him up to let him know how sick I was. He told me that he would call in the order and that I could pick the medication up at the pharmacy in the hospital down the street. The only problem was that they were closing in just ten minutes.
I rushed to get there and somehow made it with two minutes to spare. I celebrated—but I had no idea what was coming. As they were getting my prescription ready, that sick feeling happened. I ended up vomiting three times on their counter, right before they closed. The women were shocked and I kept apologizing, but I couldn't stop. I left with my prescription feeling ashamed and embarrassed, and also terrible that they would have to clean it up before they could go home.
34. Shrinkage?
A very attractive nurse friend of mine had to give an old guy in his 80s a bath on her second day on the job. She was nervous about the whole thing so one of the older nurses tried to comfort her. She told her that there wasn’t anything to see, everything down below would be shriveled, and that she would get accustomed to it pretty quickly.
My friend took that as fact. She mustered her courage and went to disrobe the old man to get him ready for the bath. When the robe dropped, however, she got the shock of her life. Apparently, the old guy was still packing some heat—seven inches on the flop. He must have been proud because he was grinning from ear to ear.
35. Three Times Was Not A Charm
I had to have surgery to remove growths from my rear. My boyfriend knew as he was the one to drive me to surgery. While waiting for the surgery, THREE SEPARATE TIMES, people came in, asking me to say, in my own words, why I was there. I had to say out loud THREE TIMES, "I am here to have growths removed from my butt." My boyfriend sat right next to me through it. If I had known that was going to happen, I wouldn't have had him in the pre-op with me. To this day, I still feel like I was pranked.
36. A Private Concert
While living on my college campus, I had a kidney infection and I went to the Emergency Room at about five in the morning. They gave me some intoxicating painkillers to calm me down and, for some reason, I started singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” at a pretty high level, surrounded by my peers. The nurses had to ask me to quiet down about five times until the substances wore off…
37. Approach The Roach
A doctor friend of mine told me about a patient that he had once. This patient was morbidly obese and needed surgery for something or the other. When they were cleaning the patient to prep him for surgery, they made a shocking discovery in the folds of his skin. There was a cockroach in there. Good thing the man was out cold or he might have passed out from embarrassment.
They didn’t know how long the thing had been in there but it was obviously long enough for the thing to suffocate. Apparently, they can’t survive everything.
38. Bad Dictation
I was a freshman in high school and had to go for my normal yearly physical. It was at a small office in a new location, and the desk person was a girl who went to the same school as me. I brought up to the doctor that I had a small lump in my sack. The physical continued, and he showed me his new work toy—a speech-to-text microphone that was connected to his laptop.
He started dictating, “Patient complains of a small, painless lump inside the scrotum.” It wasn’t working right, so he tried again louder, “PATIENT COMPLAINS OF A SMALL, PAINLESS LUMP INSIDE THE SCROTUM.” I guarantee the whole office heard him because as I was leaving, there was no eye contact made with said desk-gal leaving the doctors that day—or in the school halls ever again.
39. You Passed the Real Test
One time, I was at the OB/GYN for my yearly visit. The nurse came in to do the pre-exam questions. As she's looking through my chart, she says "I see here that you are pregnant" and my face just instantly drops. She goes, "You didn't know?" and I say "Umm, no!" She then asks me for my name again and says, "Oh, whoops! I grabbed the chart for the wrong Erin!"
40. Hide And Seek
I was working OB as an off-service resident. I went in to examine the patient who was in labor but had just arrived. She was morbidly obese and had an extremely large fat fold that I had to lift up to check for cervical dilatation. Upon lifting the fold there was this horrendous smell and a large quantity of black material.
It didn't really look like necrotic tissue to me so I grabbed a bottle of saline and started wiping away at the area. The patient suddenly looked down and screamed out to her husband to come over because, "He [referring to me] found it.” Turns out they played a game at home where they would hide chocolate ho-ho's in the fat folds on their body.
This one just happened to go missing for three days prior to coming to the hospital in labor.
41. My Medical Encounter Took An Embarrassing Twist
A hurricane was coming, but I could tell a Bartholin’s cyst was coming on as well. I tried a sitz bath, but nothing worked, so I went to the local MedCare. I had to explain to the young person doing the intake info that I needed a woman present and that I knew my issue. He didn’t believe me. The male doctor came in. I told him I knew my issue. He looked at my hoo-ha, and we changed rooms.
I got the good meds, and they lanced my cyst. There was blood everywhere. They had to take me into another room to recover while a hazmat crew was called in to clean up the room. Then the hurricane came, and my Pikachu was packed with gauze. I had to pull a yard of gauze out of my intimate parts using only cold compresses. At the time, I was in working at a local gym to make some money. Wouldn’t you know it, but the man I attacked with my cyst came in every darn day! It was so embarrassing.
42. You Snooze, You Lose a Doctor
One time, I was three minutes late for a doctor’s appointment. My mom works for an orthodontist, and I know the importance of being on time for appointments. But I had pulled over to vomit twice on my way to the doctor's, thanks to the ailment that I was there to have treated, and that whole ordeal kind of slowed me down a bit.
When I arrived, I went to check-in and I knew that I would have to wait longer. I couldn't just expect them to drop everything to immediately see me. The rude receptionist sees me walking in and loudly says, "You're late. The doctor will not be seeing you today." She says this in front of about 10 other patients in the waiting room.
Everyone was staring at me at this point and I blinked back tears as I walked up to the counter and tried to explain myself. I offered to sit and wait for as long as necessary, but she refused. So, I got in the car, drove myself to a walk-in clinic, and have never returned to that doctor's office again. Too bad, too. The doctor was really sweet, but the old loser at the front desk ensured that I'd never return.
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43. Fresh Produce
I work as an OB-GYN. An attractive blonde international flight attendant—a regular patient of mine—called for an emergency appointment. She sheepishly told me that she was beginning to get very concerned that she kept finding Costa Rican postage stamps inside her. Now, I had been in my job for 24 years and never heard of anything like that before.
After a full examination, she was relieved to learn they were just the stickers from the bananas.
44. A Case Of Mistaken Identity
My husband had a rash and had to go to the doctor. He walked into the office and was surrounded by phallic models. The doctor asked how his weenie was. Startled, my husband said, “Ok, I just have a rash.” The doctor said, “Show me,” so he pulled up his shirt. Then my husband realized he'd made a mortifying mistake. He had gone to the wrong doctor. He had the same name and same address as the doctor he was supposed to go to; however, this one wasn’t a regular doctor. He did penile implants, whereas my husband had shingles!
45. Cleanup on Aisle One
A few weeks after my vasectomy, I had to bring in a sample to make sure that I was all clear. Well, I guess I didn't have the lid of the container screwed on right and, when I put it down on the receptionist's desk, it leaked out everywhere and made a giant, disgusting mess. I still have flashbacks of her terrified facial expression.
46. You’re Coconuts
I had a coconut stuck in my nose once. We had this board game called Monkeys & Coconuts. It had lima bean-sized plastic coconuts and I stuck one in my nose. My mom could not get it out, so off to the doctor we went. I was so scared when we got there that I started crying and my nose started running. Turns out we didn’t need the doctor after all.
The coconut came out all on its own. It’s been 45 years and I still hear about that awkward story.
47. The Irony Of It All
I had just bought a new type of perfume and put some on in the morning. By mid-day, though, my neck was red, puffy, and itchy. Over-the-counter stuff wasn't doing anything, so I headed to the college infirmary. I got in and was giving a nurse the details before the doctor came in. Then, she asked the question I was dreading, "And what perfume was it?"
I told her, "It's by Christian Dior,” and mumbled the name. She asked me again, "I'm sorry, dear, but I didn't quite catch that." I sighed and replied, "It's called Poison. Poison by Christian Dior." I looked over at her, and she just had this look on her face. I told her, "Go ahead, laugh. I would if I were you." She did grin pretty widely, and there was a bit of a giggle when she told the doctor.
48. Performing for an Audience
A while back, when I was in high school, I had to get surgery on my scrotum. I had this condition with some frilly scientific name that basically means a clump of veins in my private area was restricting the flow of my mighty swimmers. Well, I of course had to go to a pre-checkup with the doctor. I also didn't have a driver's license, so my dad drove me there.
I met the doctor and he got straight down to business. He pulled out a large ring with wooden balls of different sizes and said that my private region would have to be measured for disparity to see how serious this situation was. He then looks over to my dad and says, "If you want to step out for this part, you can do so at this time."
My dad replied, "Hahaha, no thanks. I think I'm good right here." Yup, my dad decided to make my surgery just that much more exciting by sticking around to watch it. So, a minute later, there I stood, Curious George out in the open, while my doctor is face level with the beast putting a wooden object next to my body and comparing. The entire time my dad watches and laughs. And I shudder.
49. Can You Hear Me Now?
I was having trouble hearing out of my left ear once. I can be extremely stubborn so I didn’t go to the doctor for about a week or so. When I finally gave in, I went to the doctor and the doctor said that it was probably just a blockage. The doctor’s solution was to wash my ear out. Well, when the blockage came out there was a spider in there, preserved in earwax.
My doctor is pretty professional but even he looked disturbed at that.
50. I Couldn’t Write This One Off
I was 17 years old and decided to write "Hello" on my weenie with a Sharpie before my doctor’s appointment. The doctor was my family physician, and I thought it would be funny. Then I rode my bike to his office, forgetting that it was August and hot out. I got into the exam room and went to put on the gown. I discovered that my sweat spread the sharpie all over my junk from my thighs to my waistband.
I used some cotton swabs and paper towels, but I had to give up because I just kept getting the ink all over the sink and counter. The pile of black cotton swabs in the trash was disgusting. Not only did that not help, but removing the excess just made my wiener look like it had gangrene and was starting to rot instead of having something on it. It was really the worst-case scenario.
The doctor came in, and we went through the whole exam. He noticed an elevated heart rate, so I just told him I rode my bike there. We got to the turn and cough part, and I hesitated. I took a deep breath and explained to the man what had just happened. He just sat there unperturbed, having been a physician for 15 years at this point.
He knew I was a bit of a handful as a kid since he was the one who had stitched me up several times. I had also dropped this gem on him during my last exam, "You're my dad's doctor, and he's 50. You've definitely put your finger in my dad's butt. I'm pretty sure you're also my minister's doctor, too, and he's like 60."
Because I was one of THOSE people, my doctor said, "Alright, well, let's see the damage." He was completely unfazed. I pulled down my pants, and his composure cracked instantly. He was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes. He apologized and shook his head, then proceeded to try and give me the exam with barely contained laughter.
51. Time Is Never on Your Side
I went to the doctor one time when I was about eight months pregnant. At that point in my pregnancy, I was extremely gassy all the time. If I tried to hold it in, it would get painful after a while. While I was sitting in the doctor's office, I felt like I had to pass gas. I held it in for a while, thinking that the doctor would be in at any moment.
15 minutes passed and nothing. So I decided to just let it go. It was the tiniest little one ever, and it hardly even made a sound—I had no idea I'd just made a terrible mistake. It stunk up the room as if something had just crawled up my butt and died. Lo and behold, something like 30 seconds later, the doctor finally walked in. His first words to me were his asking to know what that smell was…
52. Why So Serious?
This is my story as a patient when I got stitches just under my knee cap. At some point, they had to clean it for surgery and so they gave me laughing gas so I wouldn't feel any pain. Then I started laughing so hard at an I Spy book that I farted right in front of five doctors and nurses. Most of them laughed because it was a pretty ridiculous situation.
The main doctor proceeded to say, "Well, well little missy, just what was that?" I started laughing so hard after he said that, that they had to stop what they were doing for five minutes while I stopped shaking with laughter.
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53. My Pride Got Clipped
I had to go to the hospital because I accidentally cut the flap of skin that connects my sack to the rest of my privates with hair clippers. Not only was it a day that they were training new doctors, but my mom worked for the hospital and saw my name in the computer system. So, by the end of the visit, I had five extra young doctors staring while I got stitches in my nether regions, and my mom walked in thinking something bad had happened to me.
54. In the Hall of the Hospital King
A few years ago, I had a cancer scare. The doctor was pretty sure it was nothing to worry about, but I had to get an ultrasound of my private area at the hospital just to be certain. I'm laying there with my whole body exposed while a nurse uses an ultrasound wand to check things out. Somehow, the setting just seemed too perfect for some kind of embarrassing outcome not to take place.
Twice during the procedure, another nurse opened the door to ask random questions of the tech who was performing the ultrasound on me. But that's not even the bad part...Both times, she left the door wide open, providing a full view of my naked body to passersby in the hallway. She wasn't inquiring about my procedure, she was merely asking stupid questions about their work schedule.
Needless to say, I was both embarrassed and shocked by this. When I heard the door open for the third time, I told the nurse that if it opened one more time while my procedure was taking place then I would be reporting them both to the hospital administrators. Of course, the nurse did not return again from that point on.
55. It’s A Buffet
I was working on the L&D floor in a rural hospital in Georgia as a fourth-year medical student and making my rounds. Late in the morning, I was checking up on a morbidly obese female who had given birth not too long before. She had had a C-section and while the procedure was underway, I noticed that she had a dollar bill tattoo near the surgical incision under her waistline.
When I came around to see her, I had to ask what the significance of her tattoo was. Her response made me turn redder than a beet. She said, "All you can eat under a buck.”
56. The Doctor Wasn’t Moved By My Story
We had a guava tree in our backyard, and our yard would be littered with ripe fruits. A neighbor on our street had a cow, so I would collect the fruit from the ground in a bucket and would give it to the cow. One day, I was doing just that, but the cow felt something on its neck. She started twisting her head rapidly while I was standing next to it. Her horns got my balls. I thought it would be some kind of scratch, but when I went home to check, I realized I had to go to the emergency room. The doctor gave me a look like, “Is that really what you did?” Thankfully, I had witnesses with me.
57. Picture Perfect
I was in pre-op for ankle reconstruction. I had some time, and my girlfriend was by my bedside. We struck up a conversation with a nurse and my girlfriend was showing off some recent vacation pictures on her phone. While showing her, she accidentally swiped one time too many and there it was in all its glory—a picture of my face between her legs.
The nurse quickly got up and walked away without a word. My girlfriend was frozen with horror. I just couldn't stop laughing.
58. I Don’t Scare Easy
My dad is an interventional and cardiovascular radiologist. Years ago, he was doing an operation on a prison inmate. The guards had the inmate handcuffed to the table and remained in the room during the operation. The inmate, in an effort to scare my father, told him that he was in jail for manslaughter. Well, my dad doesn’t scare easy.
Without missing a beat, my dad replied to this inmate with, "The last guy I did this operation on didn’t make it either." The security guard chuckled and the inmate didn’t say another word for the rest of the procedure.
59. My Ego Was All Dried Up
When I was 17, I went to the hospital for severe dehydration. I was in high school and had little time for bathroom breaks before I would immediately go to work after school. I was so busy that I could not use the bathroom unless it was during my 15-minute break in the middle of my shift or until I got home. My solution to not having to use the bathroom was to just drink less water and only drink water at night.
So one day, after toughing it out through severe stomach pain, I went to the ER. I got a scan because I complained of severe stomach pain and not only was I severely dehydrated, but I was also very blocked up because I was not consuming enough water. It was extremely embarrassing having the doctor tell my mom that I was blocked up and just needed to poop and drink more water.
60. I Scratch Your Itch, You Scratch Mine
So I was like 11 or 12 years old when this happened. I had a hundred acres of woods behind my house, and I loved to play in them. Unfortunately, I am also very allergic to poison ivy. Well, I go out and roam the forest gayly for a few hours. Nothing weird. I eventually come home and go to bed. I then wake up in the middle of the night with an itchy leg.
Now, when I say itchy, I really mean itchy! After a bunch of scratching, I finally pull the blankets down. I immediately do a double-take and go, “What the heck???” My leg is looking like what I imagine the final stages of leprosy to be like! There are huge raised patches of red disgusting bleeding, pusing atrocities. Needless to say, I started screaming in horror.
That escalated quickly. Well, time to go to the Emergency Room decides my mom. After a wait, I'm shown to a room connected to the waiting room. After a quick look, a nurse comes back with a needle the size of a baby's arm. Good news, it's for my behind. Now, I did not want that needle in my behind. I didn't care what angle, which cheek, or for how long.
All I knew was I did not want that needle in my behind. But screw it, I'm a brave man! So, I dropped my pants and prepared for the inevitable. Well, as soon as she bent down to shove the needle in, I panicked and completely lost all the courage I had just built up. I immediately started running for the door, and ran straight into the populated ER waiting room.
Two nurses, one with a needle in her hand, and my mom were chasing me like a football player in front of this whole crowd. All the while, my lonely pants were lying back on the floor of the examination room. My bare behind was flailing about for everyone to see. I managed to outlast my pursuers for a few minutes, but was eventually pinned down and pricked, screaming and crying for all the world to see.
On the bright side, my itch went away!
61. How’s The Weather Down There?
This happened to me with a licensed practical nurse. She was going to measure my waist (measuring from the belly button) and calculate my BMI. I guess I was too tall for her because she started to pull my shorts down looking for my belly button. I’m about six feet and five inches tall and she may have been five feet or about there. It took her forever to get the measurements.
62. The Doctor Got Cracked Up
I hated going to the OB/GYN. I was a naturally anxious person and tended to tense up. I had recently had a tubal ligation but hadn't had my IUD removed. A week before my appointment to have it removed, I had broken my ribs. During my IUD appointment, the doctor went to put in the plastic speculum, and I tensed up. I suddenly heard a CRACK. The speculum broke.
He removed it, asked if I was okay, and gave me a minute to relax. I wasn’t in pain, except for my ribs. He got another speculum. CRACK. I broke another one. He said, "That's never happened before!" I was 26 at the time. This doctor was present at my birth, so he had seen a lot in over 26 years. Finally, he got the IUD out.
63. Her Personal Fanfare
When I was in my late teens, I once went to a doctor to have a checkup. I had never been to this doctor before, but I was sure that she was going to be great because her name was Dr. Friend! She was an older woman and plenty nice, but halfway through the visit she began violently farting. I had no idea what to do or how to react.
It was funny, gross, and loud as heck. She walked out of the room several times, and the only moments the flatulence would cease as she walked were the split seconds between her steps. Even as she returned to the room, her trumpet was still unabashedly sounding. It was the most awkward thing ever. I never went back to that doctor.
64. Fly The Bird
This story is actually pretty cool and shows that my doctor was rad. I broke my middle finger in a metal door two years ago. I had to get my hand x-rayed. When I went in to get the x-ray, my doctor took one with my hand with all fingers out and another one me flipping the bird. I wish I had requested a copy of that birdie x-ray.
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65. Too Close For Comfort
I had pain in my ball. It got so bad I thought I had testicular cancer or something. I went to urgent care. I got the most attractive, young female doctor I have ever had. She was a few years younger than me and must have been a brand new doctor. She had me pull down my pants and had to kneel down to get a really close look.
She was bright red. I was not aroused or anything, just in pain, but the fact she was young and attractive made it awkward for me. Thankfully she informed me that testicular cancer does not usually present with pain. She said I did not have a torsion and had me go to a urologist. I was exercising a lot and said I should get a jockstrap for more support during exercise.
66. Telephone Tag
A friend of mine mistakenly called her gynecologist’s number instead of her dentist’s when she wanted to make an appointment. She started the call by nonchalantly admitting that she was long overdue for a cleaning. The confusion she heard on the other end of the phone was matched only by her embarrassment when she realized the mistake she had just made…
67. May We Join You?
This happened with my gynecologist. I needed a biopsy. The doctor started to open me up and all of a sudden there was a knock on the office door. Another doctor and two young-looking girls stepped in. "This is a teaching office," the other doctor said. "Do you mind if some students sit in on this?" At that point, I was pretty exposed anyway.
Jokingly, I said "Sure! The more, the merrier!" I had no idea that he was being very serious. They spent the next two minutes explaining my lady parts to these girls as they looked on curiously. Then the doctor took too much of a sample during the biopsy and had a hard time getting the bleeding to stop.
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68. I Couldn’t Brush This One Off
I had split up with my girlfriend and thought the sensible thing to do was get myself tested. I went into what I thought was the reception area at the hospital where the test center was. I explained discretely that I needed a test. The receptionist looked at me blankly. So, I thought I needed to give her more details. She responded with, “Sir, this is the dental hospital!” I still cringe about that moment.
69. Breaking the Ice
While the doctor was shaving my private area just before performing a vasectomy, we suddenly realized that we had grown up together and now lived in the same neighborhood. It was awkward, but I couldn't resist jokingly asking: "So, did you dream about shaving my privates for money while we were growing up?"
He didn’t seem to find it as funny as I did…
70. Take It On The Chin
I had an ingrown hair on my chin that I tried to squeeze out. In the process of doing so, the puss around the hair must have backfired and erupted. Over the course of the next few hours, my chin began to swell as if I had an abundant amount of gum or a jawbreaker stuck in my lower lip. Seeing as something was wrong, I went to the doctor the next day.
It was my first time with that particular doctor mind you which made the whole thing even more awkward. I told her the story of how my chin came to be with the added blurb of, "But at least I got that sucker out!" After examining my chin, she called in what I assumed to be a resident to see the golf ball lump that had formed on my chin.
I reacted by exclaiming, "Gee, this doesn't make me feel showcased or awkward by any means.” Apologies and laughter ensued. The doctor prescribed me some pills and my lump infection was gone within two days.
71. My Pride Got Dimmed Some
I thought I had a tapeworm. I brought my “specimen” to the doctor in a plastic bag. All the nurses came in to inspect it, and some were even taking photos. I had the doctor even look at my rear. I wanted to die of embarrassment. You can imagine how I felt when they told me it was vegetable matter from spring rolls I had eaten the night before. The walk of shame was real.
72. Blood Bath
One time at a doctor’s office, the nurse took the needle out of my arm after drawing blood. While she was doing so, I accidentally flexed. This caused my arm to shoot a stream of blood more than five feet across the room, landing all over some posters. I think it’s safe to say that this was my most embarrassing doctor’s office moment of all time.
73. Parting Gifts
I went for a physical when I was 14. At that point, I'd had my first period but it wasn't very regular yet. At school that day it just happened to start and it started with a vengeance. All I had with me was panty liners and that wasn't going to cut it so I ended up going into the bathroom and stuffing my underwear with toilet paper, like you do.
Of course, when I get to the doctor she said, "Since you're a teenager and you're going through a lot of changes, I’d like to do a check of your genitals just to make sure everything looks ok. Nothing internal, just external." So, I pulled my underwear down and a ton of bloody bunched-up toilet paper fell out. I tried to pick it up before she noticed but she definitely did.
She was cool about it though. Before she left the room, she gave me a "goody bag" (just a little bag with a sample of acne cream, candy, and random little toys she gave kids before they left) and slipped a pad into the bag as well. What a pal.
74. There Was No Looking Back
I had a cyst on my right shoulder caused by a blocked sweat gland. It swelled up, so I went to the ER. The doctor came into the room with a medical student who was a young woman. The doctor decided to cut into the cyst to relieve pressure. She made the cut, and I felt her push down. I then heard the student squeal, and there was a disgusting smell. I looked back and saw the poor student covered in puss from my cyst. It was like something out of a TV show. The poor thing stood there, her face and upper chest covered in putrid, smelly liquid dispelled from my back.
75. I Hear You Loud and Clear
I wear small over-the-ear hearing aids in both ears. One time, I had to go in for new fittings in a city well over three hours away from where I live. This was because the left one would consistently hurt when I placed it in. I travel to the city and get the new fittings. No problems there, and I go on about my merry way.
Three months later, I'm going to my primary care doctor for a physical before beginning a new scuba diving class, and the guy asks if I've ever had tubes in my ears. I told him that I used to, but I didn’t anymore. He was determined to figure out what this little rubber thing was that he had spotted inside my ear. Cue grabbing mosquito forceps, fishing for five minutes, and pulling out one of the fittings!
I never knew I had a second one in there. Apparently, that was what had been causing the discomfort all along. Imagine my embarrassment sitting in front of my doctor having to admit that I never realized I had a piece of plastic inside my ear for at least a few months. I began using my hearing aids normally from that point on, and I noticed a whole new level of clarity after he got that piece out.
76. Lights Out, Pants Off
I was seeing a urologist in a hospital once. During my visit, there were a couple of power cuts. The lights dipped out but the generators kicked in, thankfully. As the urologist was finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights went out again. This time, however, the generator did not kick in right away. The urologist got up and walked out to check on things.
15 minutes later, the lights came back on. I was still sitting on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walked past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes. “Do…do you have an appointment?" she asked. Turns out, the urologist had actually finished the examination and returned to the ward a while ago.
To the nurse, I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open. Awkward.
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77. I Spoke Too Soon
I had post salmonella hemorrhoids. I went to my usual male doctor and told him about my painful situation. Since I was a woman, he politely asked if I would like a female doctor to check them. I cheerfully said, "Nah mate, all good, everyone's got a rear hole!" He did the check, but I was silently asking myself the whole time, “Why did I say that to him? Why?”
78. Waterfall
One time, my dad was getting his prostate checked out by this pretty good looking female urologist. She had to insert a catheter since my dad was having trouble peeing. Anyway, she removes the catheter once they're done and my dad starts unintentionally peeing all over the doctor's leg. She took it like a champ and told him, "If I don't get peed on at least once a day, my husband will suspect I'm ditching work to have an affair!"
79. This Promise I Keep
During a yearly check-up, my doctor was concerned about my weight. I promised him I'd do better and that next year I would be back down to a healthy weight. Maybe a week or so later my doctor saw me at a local pub with a plate of hot wings in front of me and a pint of ale. He was a bro about it and didn't say anything but I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes.
80. Out In The Open
I was getting a pap smear when halfway through the procedure, a nurse opened the door to ask the doctor a question. By doing so, she ended up flashing my most intimate parts to a, fortunately mostly empty, waiting room. The nurse, probably out of habit, was completely blind to what she had done and just kept talking to the doctor. I had to actually say, "Uh, little breezy here," before she caught on to the fact that my cervix was pointed at the general public.
81. There’s a First Time for Everything
Getting my very first pelvic exam was the most awkward experience I have ever had in a doctor’s office. The doctor was new and she was extremely nervous. As a result, she dropped the first speculum while trying to get it out of the package. Her hands shaking and everything. Umm, okay? That didn’t exactly calm me down...but it was going to get even worse.
A few minutes later, I'm on the table, speculum inside me, doctor and nurse hanging out around my lady bits. I'm trying to pretend that I'm not here when the doctor suddenly goes: "Are you on your time of the month right now?" I replied: "No. Why?" She went: "Oooohh..." Apparently, in her nervousness, she had been way too rough and made me bleed. Thanks, Doc!
82. Pearl Of Wisdom
This isn’t really an embarrassing story because my doctor is amazing but anyway. I went to the doctor when I was around 16. I'd started developing allergies for the first time and wanted to get it checked out. She checked my nose and throat. Yup, sure enough, it was allergies. Then she checked my right ear and literally said, "What the heck is that?"
I was like, "Oh, sorry. Yeah, I get a lot of ear wax." And she was like, "No. It's shiny." Backtrack to four days before that. I was a rebellious teen and wanted to stretch my ears without my mom knowing. So, being the smart kid that I was, I had hot glued some pearls to the plugs so they looked like earrings. One morning I woke up and one was missing and I couldn't find it.
I had to tell my doctor that my "earring" broke and I'd been looking for that pearl for days. She laughed, I laughed, she tried to get it out and couldn't. She eventually had to call an ENT doctor instead. I ended up getting it out at home later.
83. I Should Have Put A Sock In It
I was an Australian living in Germany. I marched into my doctor’s office to ask why I was constantly receiving bills for medical treatment that my insurance had already paid. The doctor was kind enough to notify me they were not medical bills but, in fact, my electricity bills. I obviously should have learned German.
84. Lightweight Champion
When I was about 12 years old or so, my doctor knew that I really didn't like needles. So, he put a shot that I needed in his pocket with his pens so that I wouldn't notice it and get my guard up. In the middle of a sentence, he pulls it out and comes at me. Terrified, I punched him directly in the face and broke his glasses.
It wasn't intentional, per se. The dude was coming at me with a sharp object. I didn’t even have time to process what was going on. It was all instinct and reflex. He ended up grabbing me by the shoulders, pinning me down, and doing the injection. I can only imagine what he must have been thinking. For years afterward, I couldn't bear to face him.
85. Wait Until You See This…
I went to the dermatologist when I was 18 just before heading off to college. I had a few red spots on my chest and she wanted to check "down below" to ensure there was no internal bleeding. While my pants were down and she was checking everything out, the nurse walked in without knocking. She got a nice view…along with half the waiting room.
The nurse backed out quickly and I received a profuse apology from the dermatologist. The doctor had to go prepare a treatment and I got to hear her tear the nurse a new one in the next room.
86. I Was Embarrassed. Period.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I went to my GP to find out if I had some kind of mental illness because I had all these symptoms that would come and go every few weeks. What I was describing was PMS, but thanks to my parents barring me from my school’s health class and never giving me any info of their own, I had no idea that was a thing. So basically, I had to pay a bunch of money for my doctor to treat me like an imbecile for not knowing things I was never told.
87. Popping the Question
When I was brought back from being under anesthesia after getting my wisdom teeth out, before my transportation back home arrived, I recovered enough to unplug my IV and various sensor thingies and wander into the waiting area to ask strangers to sleep with me. The nurse promptly gathered me back into my room and I recall complaining that someone might have said yes and I deserved the right to know.
88. You’re Not My Doctor
Although I am a doctor this story happened to my great uncle, who was also a doctor. He practiced in a rural town in Australia. So, my great uncle had a practice with another doctor named Dr. Snow. Snow had a son who had some form of intellectual disability. The way the story has been passed down, they make it sound like he was an imbecile.
I know it’s politically incorrect but that’s how they described him (different times). Anyway, one day Dr. Snow was seeing some patients and his son, aged in his mid-20s, was hanging around the practice. Dr. Snow went off to do something and in the meantime, his son decided to play doctor. He put on the white coat and opened the door and the next patient came in.
It was a pregnant woman. He asked her to undress and turned his back. When he turned back around he looked her up and down and said, “What, no Johnson?” The woman ran screaming out one door and he ran screaming out another. I think they were both pretty embarrassed.
89. Eager Beaver
I got really loaded at a friend's party. In my inebriated state, I stood on a rusty nail on a random piece of wood that was in her garden. The next day, I went to the doctor to get a tetanus jab. The nurse stepped out to get the needle and I, being overly helpful, decided to drop my trousers so I would be prepared for the jab in my rear and speed things up for her. She walked in and said, "We actually do them in the arm these days." I slowly pulled up my trousers while dying inside.
90. Out to Lunch
I once had a pizza delivery guy walk in on me while I was getting a pelvic exam at the OB/GYN. My feet were up in the stirrups and my doctor's hand was in my you-know-where. Yeah, the whole bit. Apparently, the nurses had ordered a pizza and directed the guy to bring it to the break room, but he accidentally opened the wrong door.
You'd think that if you know you’re at an OB/GYN’s office, you would have the common sense to at least knock before entering any closed rooms, right? Yeah, no. It happened so fast though that he couldn't have really seen anything. I'm also pretty sure that he was more embarrassed than I was. Still, I must admit, this whole thing sounds an awful lot like the plot to a cheesy adult film.
91. A Curious Stranger
I’m an ER doctor. I was interviewing a fairly attractive young lady about a pelvic complaint. She answered all of my questions quite comfortably with some guy in the room. I hand her a gown so she could change for the pelvic exam, and she said, "Can you ask this guy to leave first? He just followed me in here from triage."
That’s the last time I neglected to establish the relationship of all the people in the room.
92. The Long And Short Of It All
I was about 15 years old and was lying on a short table waiting for the doctor. I couldn’t figure out why the table was so short and tried to figure out a way to make it longer. Well, I realized at the end of the table there were these fancy leg extensions. So I pulled them out and waited. The doctor came in—and started laughing hysterically. With a cheeky grin, he asked me what kind of exam I wanted.
I didn’t realize what I had done until 20 years later when I went to the doctor with my wife. I was so embarrassed.
93. Leaving the Doctor in Stitches
Thankfully, this was only slightly insulting, not too horrifying. When I was about 18 years old, I went into the doctor’s office because I was experiencing some extreme nausea, among other things. He kept asking me if it was possible that I could be pregnant, over and over again. "So, uh, could you possibly be pregnant? Maybe we should run a pregnancy test."
"Pretty positive I'm not," I responded. He then asked, "When was the last time you had intercourse?" I replied, "Uh... never?" He started laughing and shouted out, "NEVER?!" At this point, he suddenly whipped his head around to face me from behind his clipboard. "Oh, haha, wow, I had no idea. That simplifies things a lot!"
Was that really necessary??
94. Sounds Like A Cool Dude
While working in the hospital, a very attractive female in her mid-20s came in with her boyfriend complaining of abdominal pain. Part of the work-up required a pelvic exam and bimanual exam (that meant putting two fingers into the patient’s cervix). I offered to have a female perform the exam but she said it was ok if I did it.
A chaperone was present but her boyfriend demanded to watch as well. Now, I’m a professional but the whole situation got really weird. The patient’s boyfriend stood across the foot of the bed from me. He stared me directly in the eyes with a scowl the entire time I performed the bimanual exam. It made for a very uncomfortable situation for all—but it wasn't even over.
After the exam, the boyfriend pulled me aside and told me that he thought he knew why his girlfriend was in pain. He claimed to have "[bedded] her harder than ever” the previous night. I have no idea why he felt the need to say that but I assume it was because he was trying to prove something. It was the strangest encounter I’ve had with a patient or their family.
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95. My Self-Esteem Got Shot
I was substitute teaching at a high school, and one day I started to feel awful. At first I thought it was just a little headache. Soon though, I realized something was seriously wrong. My head was throbbing so bad it felt like someone was hitting me right on it with a sledgehammer. Then I started feeling my body aches slowly getting worse as the day progressed, and a slight tickle was emerging in my throat when I talked and drank water.
When I got off work, my boyfriend was waiting for me in the parking lot. I didn’t think I was going to make it to the car. I got in and looked at him and said I didn’t feel good. On our way home, I passed out. He had to carry me into the apartment. I didn’t wake up until later on in the middle of the night, and I couldn’t move or get out of bed.
My whole body felt like I had gotten hit by a train. In the morning, my boyfriend made an appointment for me to go to my doctor. When we got there, I was sure I had strep throat. I had it about a year before, and it felt the same, just worse. They tested me for strep and the flu, and both came back negative. My doctor was stumped and told me she didn’t know what was wrong with me, so she was just going to prescribe antibiotics and give me a steroid jab.
I had never had a steroid jab before, so I started to roll up my sleeve. She said, “Oh no, honey, not there.” I looked at her confused, and my boyfriend just started giggling. That's when it dawned on me. Next thing I know, the doctor is telling me to stand up and drop my pants. I was like, “no way.” My boyfriend and I had only been dating for three months at that point, so I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.
I figured it was just a quick little needle, so I pulled my pants down and leaned against the table. She jabbed that little needle into my behind, and when it went in, I fell off the table almost immediately. It was probably a freak experience, but it felt like my bottom was being stabbed with a red hot poker. There I was, face down, butt up on the floor with a knot swelling on my forehead and a needle sticking out of my rear. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
96. Doing Things the Old Fashioned Way
I was at the doctor's office for a physical exam before my freshman year of college. The doctor was this assertive and intimidating female, and it came time for the hernia check. Now, for my whole life, this procedure has always involved the doctor cupping my private area and asking me to cough. However, I guess they only need to feel just above the private area these days as opposed to the area itself.
I was not aware of this fact at the time—and it led to the most mortifying experience of my life. So, I'm sitting on the exam table, and the doctor asks me to unbutton my pants for the hernia exam. I was completely ignorant to the fact that they didn't need to actually come down. She then turned away to go get a glove. At this point, I pulled my pants down to my knees. She walks over with a perfect poker face and calmly places her hand on my lower stomach and asks me to cough.
She checked both sides twice. The entire time, my privates were needlessly exposed. She never said a word about it or even acknowledged that fact. I guess I got lucky to have that particular doctor on that particular day. If someone a little more emotive had been the one checking me, I might never have lived down the embarrassment.
97. The Potato Famine
I worked as an ER nurse. The most awkward story I have comes from this one crazy old lady. One day this little hermit of an old lady who never leaves her house came into the ER. Her chief complaint was, "I've got the greens." Now, we had no idea what that meant so I had to interview her to find out more. It was the craziest thing.
Turned out that she had a problem with uterine prolapse. That can happen a lot with older women who have had a bunch of kids—their uterus literally sags partway out of them. Apparently, she got tired of her saggy uterus so she used a potato—a Yukon Gold to be specific—like a cork. Yup, stuck the thing right up in there.
As if that wasn’t weird enough, she forgot all about her Yukon Gold and, well, potatoes like to sprout in dark, moist environments. So, she pulled down her pants to reveal that she literally had shrubbery growing down there. I mean, she was giving new meaning to “bush.” The doctor had to go in after that thing to get it out.
I'll tell you; I've never smelled something that horrible in my life.
98. I Got Jerked Around
My now ex-wife and I were doing fertility treatments, and they wanted a sperm sample to count. They gave me a script and told me to go to the local hospital for their lab. I walked into the hospital and gave the young pretty desk nurse my scrip, and she gave me a cup. She told me to go into the single-person bathroom in the waiting room and fill it.
I asked her again to make sure she meant that one, and she said yes. So, I made my way through the waiting room filled with various aged people into the single person waiting room and into the bathroom to fill the cup with my procreative fluids. I quickly filled it as fast as I could, washed my hands, and brought the cup back to the front nurse.
I sat down and waited about five minutes before she called my name. Walking up, I felt like everyone was staring at me, knowing what I had just done in the bathroom. But it was even worse than I thought. She looked at me and said there was a mix-up, and they don't do that here. She asked me if I wanted my sample back, and I declined and just turned around and left.
99. Well, I Guess That’s One Way to Travel...
First physical of my life. I drop my pants and the doctor says turn your head and cough. For some odd reason that I cannot quite understand, I thought he said turn your head and crawl. I cannot explain the levels of confusion and awkwardness that followed when I started to nonchalantly crawl around on the floor of his office…
100. Let’s See Those Pearly Whites
This is kind of awkward and kind of sad. My mom was a hygienist and she had an older patient that liked to nap while she cleaned his teeth. She really didn’t mind it—it was kind of a relaxing process. Anyhow, one day he suffered a silent heart attack while in her chair. She'd been cleaning his teeth through it all and had no idea that he had passed away.
101. A Crazy Story
When I was seven years old, my doctor told me to drop my pants. It was for the good 'ole hernia check, but at the time I had no idea what that was. Not knowing any better, I ran out of the exam room and screamed to my mom that the doctor was crazy and wanted to see my private area. I specifically remember screaming, "Mom, get your coat! This guy is crazy!"
102. My Physical Was A Photo Op
I had bilateral hydroceles, which means that my scrotum was filling with fluid and was swollen to the size of a volleyball. The doctor, who was a young guy, sat there staring at it with his jaw hanging open. Eventually, his brain went back to med school when it was taught never to act shocked in front of a patient. He remembered how to talk, and his first words were, "Can I get a picture of that?"
103. The Milk Is For The Baby
I saw a patient who was concerned because she was still lactating, despite the fact that she stopped breastfeeding her twins two years ago. She said: "Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and find my husband sucking on the breasts. He says he's trying to drain the milk for me." I had to explain to her that breastfeeding her husband will lead to continued lactation.
104. A Tickle Under The Rib
I saw this one patient with a really odd condition. While she was asking me why she gets rib pain so often, she literally reached under her own rib and jiggled it with her fingers. Turns out, there were a lot of other things she could do that she shouldn’t ever be able to. I attributed it to a variant of Ehlers Danlos syndrome, which causes connective tissue abnormalities.
I was so distracted by the popping in and out of her rib that initially, I didn’t even notice how horrifying it was that she could get her hand under there.
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