Kids can be wonderful. I'm a parent and I have never regretted it for a moment. (To be fair, my kid is only a year old, so get back to me in 17 years.) Other parents aren't as lucky. So while my son is a wonderful bundle of joy that brings happiness into the world, these poor souls may have birthed the antichrist. And I could go on and on about my experience, but no one wants to hear about the times being a parent was fun and good, they want the horror stories. They want reasons to never have kids. And because I'm here for you, the reader, I have gone out and found the most horrifying stories out there.
Just be warned: There will be poop.
40. The feels
One night I was putting my two-year-old to sleep.
He said in a worried tone: "I'm gonna die?"
Needless to say, I was a little shocked by the question. I told him "No, you are just going to sleep."
"Ok daddy".
That messed me up a bit. I was wracked with guilt for bringing this little person into the world without his consent, to stress, worry, and eventually die. At that moment I regretted being a parent.
So I tucked him in and said: "I love you, I am proud of you, you make me very happy, you are the best."
And he said, "no, you're the bets."
After that everything was all better.
39. This is why we can't have nice things
We used to have one expensive thing. He broke the expensive thing while throwing balls/pillows around the house after being told not to do exactly that several times. We no longer have anything expensive to break. We're waiting for him to move out.
38. That one's on you
One time I got home and I saw my wife’s friend's car in the driveway. 6-year-old daughter: "Yay, mom's friend is here." Me: "Oh crap, I hope she leaves soon." Daughter: "Why did you say that?" Me: "Because she’s annoying."
We get inside, my daughter says to her: "How long are you going to be here? My dad said you’re annoying."
37. Explain that to your landlord
One time, they decided it would be fun to play in the bathroom. It just so happened that I left my wallet in a pair of pants on the floor. They flushed about $400 down the toilet. I just chalked it up to my fault for leaving it in there but I was still pretty salty. It was supposed to go to rent too.
36. I mean, it could be worse, she could be punching them
My 5-year-old daughter kissed EVERY SINGLE KID in her class on the lips every day she goes to school. Her teachers have more than once called me in for meetings regarding this 'issue' about 4 times now.
35. Hey batter, batter, batter
We were at a cookout where we were outsiders, invited by new neighbors. They were all good friends, we knew no one. It wasn't going great, both my husband and I were feeling uncomfortable. My 3-year-old son picked up a whiffle ball and bat, threw the ball up, gave a mighty swing, hit the ball, which, with shocking speed and force, hit an infants face from a distance of about 3 feet. There was a second of stunned silence, then the baby started screaming. We grabbed our kids and left, no goodbyes. On any other day, my son would have missed that ball.
34. It gets better, right?
It’s not even the worst things, it’s the everyday annoyances that make me regret having a kid. Staring me the face continuing to do something while I’m telling him no, repeatedly. I say, stay in the yard, and he runs around the corner. I say don’t run, and he BOLTS. He finds a way for a 5-minute task to take a half hour. He could be with other family, his dad, etc and the minute I’m out of sight, he’s screaming “MOMMMMMY, MOMMMY!!!!”
This happened in Target the other day and I was tempted to just leave. I could literally hear him echoing through the entire store. He destroys most everything he touches. I’m so sick of being the only person he ever asks for. I’m actually just tired of being a parent; I have no patience left.
33. Zemus would be proud
I erased my mom's save file (by accident of course) on our copy of Final Fantasy 4 that she had dedicated an entire month to getting all the characters up to max levels. Let me tell you, the look on her face when she found out made me realize that if she could've gone back in time at that moment and erased me from existence, she would have.
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash
32. You might want to re-think your decision to have kids
This has happened a handful of times for me. I thought it would be a good idea to sign my then 3-year-old up for T-ball...big mistake, huge. She literally threw a fit every single practice and never listened. I mean she physically threw herself on the field and screamed and pouted and refused to do anything and it was so embarrassing.
Most recently she had an epic meltdown over a dress. A DRESS. She didn’t want to wear a dress to her aunt’s graduation and even after I said: "You don’t have to wear the dress" she still cried and whines and refused to get up to change or even leave the house. I’m really hoping this isn’t foreshadowing her teen years.
31. What kind of madman wakes up before 6 am by choice
My son has never slept past 6 am. 5:50 am is a very good day. His usual time of waking is between 4:40 and 5:30
He will be 15 years old in a few months. 15 years we’ve had this and we both love to sleep.
Incomprehensibly, three years ago we bought a 3 story house. His bedroom is above ours so we hear him get up and stomp to the bathroom. The kitchen/breakfast room is beneath our bedroom so we then get to hear the same routine every morning: open cupboard then remove the bowl that has magically turned into a percussion instrument overnight.
Drop bowl on the counter from a meter high and close cupboard door with a sledgehammer. Open cereal cupboard, pour cornflakes on the floor, step on them before pouring cornflakes into a bowl. Close cereal cupboard door with a karate kick, and then kick it once more just to be sure.
Retrieve milk and pour. No sound of milk returning to the fridge
Then the best part:
He will scrape the bar stool across the tile floor for at least 100 meters, eat corn flakes using a pile driver rather than a spoon, and once we’ve nodded off again he will scrape chair across the tile floor to get out from the breakfast bar.
At least we get to stay in bed throughout that daily ritual. When he was younger it was a persistent 15 minute battle from 5 am to 7 am to send him back to his bed. Every single day. For years and years.
Oh well. Considering house prices in the U.K., it’s only another 18 years before he moves out.
30. It just keeps getting worse the longer you read
"I hate that song!!!!" announced my 4 year old son. Loudly. On Veterans Day. After they played the Star Spangled Banner. While we were sitting in the center of the basketball court in the special seating because his big brother was carrying the flag. Sitting between dozens of decorated veterans.
29. At least he took his pants off
I took my kid to a little fair/carnival type thing while he was being potty trained. He was doing a great job so I figured it would be manageable.
I asked him if he needed to go potty before I let him near a bounce house. We went to the potty and tried and... nothing. We get in line and have his shoes off almost our turn when this lady moves her daughter out from in front of me and tells me to look down. My son is pants off peeing on the ground almost on other people. I wish I could have just walked away and been like 'not my kid.'
I offered everyone near us wet wipes and apologized as much as I possibly could while trying to clean up and get the heck out of there. Harder still was explaining to my toddler who's in tears why we had to leave, felt like a garbage human that day.
28. Adventures in bedtime
Last night when I spent 3 hours fighting with my 2 year old and 7 month old to get to sleep. They were both so tired and my son constantly escaping his crib prevented me from giving my daughter the attention she needed so she could go to sleep. I finally got them both down at 10 and was on the verge of tears. My boyfriend was on night shift so it was just me and I felt so overwhelmed by it all!
27. This sounds like a horror movie
I got pregnant in July 2010. My third child weaned in Dec 2016 (roughly) In that time frame I had a whole 2 months where I wasn’t pregnant or breastfeeding. My second only weaned at 2 because I got pregnant with the 3rd, she’d have gone for another year happily.
So many teeth and acrobatics (she used to stand up to nurse hanging upside down, totally fun!) I miss babies, but I don’t miss sharing my body with them.
26. Sounds pretty funny to me
My dog had pooped all over the kitchen floor. My son is autistic and was 5 years old at the time. He dropped a shirt on it. I don't know what his intentions were. Maybe he was trying to clean it up. He proceeded to whip the shirt over his head and left a cyclone of poo splatter in his wake. He may have done this multiple times by the looks of it.
My husband and I came upstairs (our living room is in a finished basement) with the intention of going to bed. We both froze in the doorway in disbelief. Doo Doo. Was. On. EVERYTHING. The walls, the ceiling, the cabinets, dishes, etc. It took us over two hours to clean and sanitize everything. While we were cleaning I said to my husband "we'll laugh about this someday right?"
My husband and I can only refer to it as "the incident" two years later. Still not funny.
25. Sounds like daycare, not a school
When my kids first started going to school, my mom really wanted me to put them in a private school, so I did to see how it would go. It ended up being a mess because it was one of those schools where they didn’t do anything but play and hold parent meetings where they talked about how superior they are to public schools because they “learn through playing” and “have a strong sense of community”. All in all, I don’t really think many of the teachers knew what they were doing.
My son got into an argument with another student and their solution was to tackle him and the other student and pin them down, not allowing them to move. The teacher that was holding my son, had him pinned up against her and he leaned forward and slammed his head back into her face, breaking her nose. Needless to say, I wanted to die having to go up to that school that day and deal with all of those teachers. I took them out the day after that happened and put them in public school. They’re 14 now and public school has suited them just fine, and I haven’t had any more nose breaking incidents.
24. Sounds like a not so fun time
I have two siblings. There are a handful of instances where I am 100% certain made my parents wish they never had us:
Once all 3 of us built a fire on the side of the house because we wanted to roast marshmallows. Almost burnt the house down.
When I was 7 I keyed my parent's car, not just small scratches, I carved all of our names into the sides of the doors and the mirrors. Even carved huge hearts and stars into the bumper.
We would always hide and wait for whoever it was we were targeting to walk by us and jump out and scare them. These people included any electrician or mechanic that came over to our house to fix anything. Seriously we showed no mercy, we did this to our poor grandmother so much.
When my oldest sibling and I were teenagers, we were going through our angsty phase and absolutely hated each other. We both punched and kicked a lot of holes through the walls and there was a lot of constant battles between me and my sibling. Seriously, it got to a pretty bad. At one point I stopped talking to him for a whole year. Just thinking about it brings back horrible memories.
We moved around a lot so a lot of our time was spent house hunting. My siblings and I would take this as an opportunity to climb literally on every shelf and high platform we could find in any empty house and jump from the ledges, which caused a lot of injuries.
I grew up in a very unhappy household, my parents absolutely hated each other's guts and it really affected us growing up. We've all mellowed out now that we are all adults, and we are all extremely close now with both parents, but man, I really don't know how they did it. Props to my mom who had to raise 3 children by herself when she and my father got divorced. I really don't know how she did it.
23. New rule: No one is allowed to have birthdays moving forward
It was my sister's birthday (probs about 7 or 8) and I was about 3 or 4, I was so upset that she got to have a birthday that day with a cake, I threw a bit of a tantrum, "wrote my name into her cake" and proceeded, when told to go wash my hands, to flood the bathroom. We were about a few moments into blowing the candles out on her hastily recovered cake when the ceiling above the kitchen caved in... Certainly, not my finest hour.
22. What a weird way to show you care
You know how some people shine in a crisis? My teenager is not one of them.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer they thought it was curable but the treatment was intense and it meant long stretches in the hospital. Seeing me in the hospital with no hair for the first time broke my teenage son. He never visited me again and basically did everything possible to make life harder for my husband. Lying, stealing, sneaking out, fighting, shoplifting, and worst of all was picking fights at home. Picking on his little brothers, using an angry voice for all interactions.
Even after being warned that I was extra grumpy because of my meds he would come to ask me if he could do something unreasonable or if I would by him something insane and get angry when I said no and insult me, tell me I don't love him, he hopes I'll die. Luckily I was a stick figure and couldn't do any damage in my 'roid rage. But he could. He would start smashing things around the house and then get physical if you tried to stop him. For example, he put his fist through the wall and when he was restrained he smashed his head against it repeatedly to make the hole bigger. He didn't come home for a few days at a time, occasionally staying with friends but also sleeping in the subway. He was 15.
As much as we love him we couldn't handle him, we were worried about what he was doing to his little brothers, and the legal issues for fighting and shoplifting. We got him referred to an inpatient program for troubled youths through his psychiatrist.
Luckily for him, when I finished chemo and came home he straightened out again. By the time space was available in the program the crisis had passed and he had been behaving himself for several months. Also luckily, he seems to have matured some because he hasn't fallen apart since my terminal diagnosis. Hopefully, he doesn't.
21. This was my go-to thing to yell at teachers
When my son was four, we were in the grocery store. He started acting up and I reached over, grabbed him by the elbow and told him to knock it off or I would swat his butt. He jerked away from me and yelled, "get away from me, you're not my mom!" Just as a woman was walking by, too. I thought I was going to kill that kid! He's 30 now and still laughs about it.
20. You got grounded because you weren't grounded
I stuck a knife in a socket as a kid on the old school fuse boxes. Got blown across the room. Blew the fuse and ruined the knife. I then did it a second time a week later. I was several years old so I could defeat baby proofing. My mom said she grounded lectured and spanked me because she didn’t know how to keep me from attempting electrical suicide.
I apparently didn’t go for a third try.
19. Pow! Right in the kisser!
One morning I was trying to enjoy a cup of coffee. As I was taking a sip my 4-year-old walked up and, with the tiniest balled up fist, punched me right in the coffee cup ... which in turn whacked off of my front teeth. Nothing broke thank goodness, but damn I was absolutely stunned. I couldn't believe what had just happened, all I could do was sit there and stare at him in shock.
18. My biggest fear as a parent is having a second child and having to pick one over the other
My daughter had just turned 2 and I was a stay at home dad with a wife who worked a lot, so it was just me and my daughter during the day. Her little brother was a bit of a surprise. We signed back up with our adoption agency a few months prior but expected a bit of a wait like we had with our daughter. The call came quickly and the adoption agent asked us if we were open to adopting a newborn baby who was born with a congenital heart defect. My daughter was 18 months old at the time and, even though there were a million reasons to say no, we told them that we wanted to adopt.
He had his heart surgery when he was 6 months old and I was freaking out in the waiting room knowing that my tiny frail baby was being opened up to have surgery on a major organ. And while I was sitting there freaking out wondering if he would be okay knowing that there was nothing I could do, my daughter was sitting at her uncle's house waiting for us to come get her. It was the first moment I really realized that having two kids sometimes meant having to miss out on the other one.
For what it's worth, my kids are teens now and that was the only time I ever regretted it. They are so close and are okay if I have to dip out early on the orchestra concert to head across town and watch the last two innings of the baseball game. My son's surgery went well and other than the scar and follow-ups with the cardiologist, no one would ever know that he had open heart surgery.
17. When they talk about the joys of parenting, they leave this part out
Right now, my 2-year-old is sick. I know she can't help it, but two nights in a row she's thrown up in the middle of the night. So for the last 2 nights, I've had to do laundry as well as give a sobbing 2-year-old a bath in the middle of the night.
I was already exhausted from the previous night last night but was fine until I literally put a trash can in her face and she purposely turned her whole freaking body around and threw up all over the carpet. I had a little mommy meltdown, like, why do I even have kids? Why is this my life? Hopefully, she doesn't puke tonight, because I really need sleep.
16. There’s a huge difference between feeling like a terrible parent and actually being one
My oldest son (now 4) started biting and hitting everyone starting at 18 months. He would get so angry at any perceived injustice that he would shake. He didn’t have many words and has always been on the later side of milestones. As soon as we would start to be concerned, he’d suddenly be able to do things.
He’s the epitome of a sour patch kid who’s emotions could turn on a dime. We got him into occupational therapy last year because he couldn’t tolerate loud noises and a lot of textures anymore. He started regressing and wouldn’t climb stairs. He was fearful and angry. I reduced my hours at work (cut my salary significantly) and took him to occupational therapy every Monday. We did everything the therapist suggested. He’s a completely different kid now.
Some of it is probably normal development that comes with having a wider vocabulary, but he’s able to voice that he’s uncomfortable before losing his mind. A year ago I thought I must be a horrible parent. I thought my kid was a terrible person and I didn’t know what to do. He has a lot more emotional regulation, confidence, and coping skills. We enjoy each other’s company and I’m no longer a punching bag. I regretted becoming a parent for 18 months straight, aside from good moments here and there.
occupational therapy saved our relationship and not to be dramatic, but probably my life. Since having his little brother 5 months ago, I’ve gone through terrible postpartum depression and been through a super traumatic event causing PTSD. I’ve hit rock bottom and I have nothing to give to anyone but my kids and work (to stay employed). If things between my oldest and myself weren’t so good, I’m not sure I’d have anything to give.
15. I have nothing to add to this story
At 2.5 years old I went to kindergarten for the very first time. Most kids cry... I didn't. I slapped the teacher in the face when she bent over to greet me. Pretty sure my mom regretted having a second kid.
Around the same time (or a little later) I took the bus with my mom. At one point a nice African gentleman boarded. Now, it is important to know that at this point I had not seen a lot of people of color. Apparently, when I saw him, I pointed at him and screamed: "Look, mommy, a chocolate man." The man apparently the man laughed while my mom wanted to die from embarrassment.
14. Playing in the leaves is a childhood staple
I have twins, they were about 8 when this happened I think, but they ripped open our next door neighbors bagged leaves and jumped in them and basically just threw them everywhere and erased all the progress they’d made cleaning their yard up. I was about 8 months pregnant at the time and we had a super kid-friendly neighborhood, so I didn’t know it had happened at first since they used to run with the kid gang during the day. When I found out I made them go over and apologize and made them help me bag up all of the leaves again. It was definitely one of the most embarrassing things ever.
Oh, and one of them broke a teachers nose in first grade too, so that was a fun school trip.
13. That child is dangerous
I was talking to an older gentleman at a softball game. My 5-year-old son was standing by us, patiently listening. With no warning, he punched the old guy as hard as he could in the berries. The old guy collapsed in pain. I asked my son later why he did that. He had no explanation. Just wanted to do it.
12. Wouldn't matter what I was wearing, if a toddler pointed me out and said "Look, a pirate!" that would make my day
It was the early 90s and as my mom and I were walking out of the library we see a group of Mohawk haired, leather wearing, metal stud sporting punks. In my infinite toddler wisdom, I pointed and shouted "LOOK MOM, PIRATES!!"
My mother says she thought we were going to be murdered. Alas, punks are regular people who also laugh when little kids do funny crap.
11. If you like sleep, don't have kids
My daughter from the ages of about 3 mo old to 3 years old screamed bloody murder every time she was put down and only slept about an hour or two at a time. We found out later she has fairly severe autism which explains it, but the sleep deprivation and lack of personal space ever (I couldn’t even shower unless I wanted to listen to her scream like someone was murdering her) was draining.
She’s grown out of it now and is an awesome kid, although she is now entering puberty and her emotions are starting to go a bit haywire. But I can sleep for six hours straight which helps me deal with it much better.
10. The walking pensioners
Once at the mall my then two-year-old saw a very old woman shuffling by with her sunken eyes and pinched skin and got very excited, yelling "A zombie! Look, mama, that's a zombie!"
I tried so hard not to laugh but I completely failed.
9. Chicken should have ran away
My kids had a favorite chicken. It got picked on by the other chickens, so they protected it. One time I heard a pathetic noise coming out of a lidless 55-gallon drum. Expecting a squirrel, I carefully glanced in, and saw a big (15gal) nursery pot, upside down, in there. I lifted it to find a wet, cold, and thoroughly miserable chicken standing on a few bricks surrounded by water.
My kids had thoughtlessly trapped the chicken in there and then, being 5 and 2, had forgotten all about it. I.was.livid! Wife and I had a long talk about what it all meant, catastrophizing the whole thing but in the end, it was just two stupid kids not thinking things through because they didn't have the mental agency to understand their actions had far-reaching results.
8. Watch out for the artsy kids
I have two girls who are about 6 months apart in age (adopted). One morning I woke up to the worst horror. The younger one managed to climb into the older one’s crib and then they proceeded to strip each other naked and paint each other, and what they could of the crib and room, in each other’s poop. Seeing them both standing there grinning gave the phrase ‘poop eating grin’ a whole new meaning.
It was a smelly morning to say the least.
7. Kids be like that sometimes
I had to take my wife to the emergency room early one morning for intense stomach pain. Our kids were 2 and 3, and it was about 1 am so they went with us. I packed a bag with snacks and toys and loaded everyone up. It was the middle of the night when we got there, but we still had to park a significant distance from the ER entrance.
When the wife was back with the doc my son (2 years old) was running around and playing. He bumped his head lightly and started shrieking an ungodly banshee wail. I decided we would wait in the car and maybe drive around a little, and they'd hopefully go to sleep.
So I'm carrying the bag and two struggling angry demon-preschoolers the quarter mile to the car. At this point, my son isn't shrieking, but he's not happy. We encountered an elderly couple and my daughter (3 years old) looks them dead in the face and says, "hey, he's not my parent." I was exhausted and frustrated and my arms were tired from carrying them. I didn't want to stop and have the conversation... and I panicked a little. I sped up, got to the car, loaded them up and left in a hurry. I didn't get arrested, though... I was glad at the time, now I'm kinda angry that the old folks just let me go.
6. Anything for some attention, I guess
When the moody teenage daughter was telling her friends at school that we didn't feed her and we were always angry with her and we hit her. A teacher overheard and reported us to child services, so we had to be investigated for child neglect. And they had to speak with each of our kids and interview them independently.
My wife and I are still reeling from that one.
5. Somebody go grab the priest
It was early morning, and I was sleeping in my bed. My two year old woke up before me and decided that she was going to wake me as well. She climbed out of her bed, went into the kitchen, made a set of stairs to get the kitchen knives, grabbed a knife, and headed to my bed. She climbed into my bed and stabbed me an inch below my eye. I woke with her holding said knife over my head and her giggling like the bride of Chucky.
4. Who knows, maybe that was the moment that man decided to get healthy
When my son was four, we were in the check out line at the grocery store. There was a very obese man two people ahead of us and unfortunately, my son spotted him. He points and says very loudly "Mommy! Look how fat that man is!"
My insides go cold. People around us are trying not to laugh. I say in a very firm voice. "That's not a nice thing to say."
To which he replies. "But he's really fat."
Then I tell him to just be quiet. It was the longest I've ever waited to check out.
3. Why do young kids like to hit people so much
I'm 15 weeks pregnant and have a 15-month-old. For those who haven't been pregnant before, the first trimester is brutal for exhaustion. With my first, I slept 10 hours a night and took a 2-hour nap every day. These days I'm incredibly lucky if I get 7 hours a night, and definitely no nap.
So one day about a month ago I barely slept because I had insomnia at night and my kid relentlessly wakes up between 5:30 AM and 6:30 AM. I was dead on my feet, so I decided to try and lie down on the couch and maybe catch a cat nap while my kid played. He saw me lying on the couch, walked up to me and head-butted me as hard as he could right in the bridge of the nose. I heard a crunch and could have sworn it was broken it hurt so badly. In that moment, I regretted every life decision that had led me to that point. My very mature adult response was to burst into hysterical tears and ask him why he's so mean to me. I think that freaked him out more than yelling would have.
2. That's a big nope from me
We had been having a rough patch with the kids where they were stealing food, lying, pretty much just pushing every button and boundary that they could think of.
I work nights on top of watching my boyfriend's youngest daughter, so my days are incredibly long, but I can normally just power through it. But one day, right in the middle of this rough patch, I was having a hard day. I was pretty much dead on my feet and knew that if I didn't get at least a nap, then I'd be in real trouble later for work.
If it ever happens where I get like that and need a nap, I let the youngest pick a movie to watch and I make her sit on me while I sleep so that I can feel if she moves or gets up at all. Well this particular day, I'd been "asleep" for less than 20 minutes. I was just at that point where you start falling asleep when I feel tiny pricks on my head.
I ignore it for a moment until I realize what's happening. This kid is sitting on my back, literally plucking the hairs out of my head while I am sleeping. I'm not even sure how long she was actually doing it either (I used to do that myself when I was younger so often times it doesn't hurt at all to pull strands out).
I was just speechless. Here I am already at the end of my rope dealing with all this crap they've been pulling, working 16+ hours a day on top of that, and this kid (who technically isn't mine) is literally pulling my hair out. That was the moment I had to ask myself if I loved my boyfriend enough to stay and continue dealing with all of it.
1. That's one way to keep you from electrocuting yourself
My son was about 7. He discovered my wireless hot glue gun from my craft room. I was using it that afternoon and stopped to make dinner. I didn't shut off the gun.
Of course, I didn't get to my craft space till much later and noticed it wasn't there. Turns out my son took it and hot glued all the electrical outlets he could find. I mean, ALL of them.
