No one likes to be eavesdropped on—but everyone likes to eavesdrop. Whether you're shopping in a mall, grabbing a cup of coffee at your local bakery, eating out at a fancy restaurant or commuting to work on the subway, it can be almost impossible not to accidentally listen in on someone else's conversation. If you've never eavesdropped in on someone else's convo, these mysterious and downright funny overheard conversations will make you want to listen in more often.
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#1 The Monkey
I was walking past a bar one night and a man was standing outside on the phone and I caught "Look, man, I need to tell you about the monkey..."
#2 Singing to Sister
Not exactly a conversation but there's a guy in the dorm below me. He doesn't know this but I can hear him through the vent in my floor. He has a young sibling I think and he sings to her over the phone at night. I fall asleep to it sometimes.
#3 You Don't Do What Mom Tells You To
I was on the bus and a small girl and her father were sitting in front of me. The kid was misbehaving a bit and wouldn't sit still even though her father would tell her to settle down several times. Eventually, he let out an exasperated "Why won't you do what I tell you to?" and the little girl answers, matter-of-factly: "Mom always tells you to stop washing your private parts in the sink but you still do it!" Needless to say, they got off that bus very quickly as every single person around them was desperately trying not to laugh.
#4 The One With the Stripes?
Two girls on the bus sitting in front of me start talking about a date that one of them had recently been on when one of them said, "And then he stuck his hand up my skirt," and her friend said, "The one with the stripes on it?"
#5 Math Tutor
Girl 1: Are you [Name]?
Girl 2: Yeah.
Girl 1: Hi! I'm your math tutor.
Girl 2: Oh! You're cute! I'd totally date you, but I'm not a lesbian.
Girl 1: Thanks! I'd date you, too, but I'm straight, and I have a boyfriend.
#6 $5,000 Wine
My wife and I were at a pretty fancy restaurant, where they have their wine list on iPads. We were in a celebratory mood and decided to splurge a bit and get some glasses of wine that were $15 a pop. Shortly after we got our wine, this old guy walks in with two young ladies. The sommelier comes up and asks if he had any questions about the wine list....the old dude says, "I trust you, just bring out something that's reasonably priced."
Sommelier looks back a bit baffled and says, "I'm sorry sir, but would you kindly let me know what reasonably priced would be?" Old dude puts the wine list down, calmly smiles and says "Anything under $5,000 a bottle will be just fine, thanks." He ended up ordering THREE bottles over the course of our dinner. Crazy and entertaining all at once.
#7 Sugar Movies
I was at the movies.
"Just wait until your dad hears about this."
"Mom! It's not that big of a deal."
"What you did was disgusting. It was a betrayal of my trust. It was a betrayal of everything I believe in but most of all you betrayed yourself. Once you have the two together, you can never enjoy the one without the other."
"Mom!" Drawn out into about 30 syllables.
"It's no skin off my nose. I've never done what you did. You are never going to go back to a time that you haven't done this."
At this point, I am dying to know what this kid did and I'm trying to stay near enough in the crowd to hopefully find out when they are joined by the father.
The mother points accusingly at the kid, "He had a soda in the movie theater."
"Mom, it wasn't a soda; it was a lemonade!"
"You've mixed sugar and the movies. Now you will constantly want to snack while you're watching a movie. You know I raised you never to eat in front of a screen."
#8 Your Daughter Broke Up With Me Yesterday
My freshman roommate in college would talk on the phone 24/7, to anyone and everyone. His girlfriend, the girl he was cheating on his girlfriend with, and my personal favorite, some random conversation that I was barely paying attention to when suddenly, he said: "Oh! I forgot to tell you... your daughter broke up with me yesterday!" To this day I kick myself for not paying attention from the beginning.
#9 Pop a Wheelie
One gentleman telling another that he could "pop a wheelie in this bad boy" referring to his wheelchair. I had to introduce myself because that is the type of person I need in my life.
#10 Gonna Be Huge
At Walmart, two guys, maybe 18 years old, were looking at a box of Extenze pills. They were beyond pumped and I heard one say, "We're gonna be so huge!"
#11 Boyfriend's Ex
Met my boyfriend's family, then walked into the other room I heard: "She's nice and all, but I really liked [ex's name] better. What ever happened to her?"
#12 I Like the Combination
Girl 1: Why'd you eat my mayonnaise? You have your own.
Girl 2: I like the combination.
Girl 1: So you ate half a jar of mine without asking?
Girl 2: Yes, I like the combination.
Girl 1: That stills doesn't explain why you used mine.
Girl 2: I LIKE THE COMBINATION!
#13 Ready to Meet
Overheard more or less at a past job. I was accidentally sent an email from a woman at an office several states away that basically said, "I've thought long and hard about this, and I'm still apprehensive about it, but I'm ready to meet you at a hotel." It was followed with about 10 "recall message" attempts.
#14 Morning Smoothie
I was walking through a parking lot and a lady drove past. All I heard was: "No, I didn't leave a butt plug in your morning smoothie."
#15 Don't Tell Anyone
"I like my password. It's hello4. But don't tell anyone" Some little girl behind me talking to another kid.
#16 My Cousin Vinny
Two old men talking about the plot to My Cousin Vinny. They were trying to remember the name of the movie but they couldn't do it. My wife and I ended up buying their dinner, and we made our own little game based on it called Ambigous Movie Plot where you try and stump the other person by giving just enough details about the movie so it upsets them when they hear the title, but not enough so they can guess it.
#17 Why Would You Think That?
Somebody was talking on the phone on my way back to the car from the grocery store and said, "No I didn't kill him, why would you think that?" Needless to say, I probably broke a record for the fastest car grocery loading ever.
#18 Nicer Than Your Face
On a bus in Germany, two teenage girls were talking together when a teenage boy came onto the bus. Throughout the ride he checked out her figure from behind, at which point the girl loudly proclaimed, "Dude, stop staring at my butt you creep!" to which he replied without missing a beat, "Sorry but your butt is far nicer than your face."
#19 No Immoral Games
A woman at Walmart with her 10 to 12-year-old son: "No I will not buy Call of Duty. I will not allow those immoral games in my house, and besides, I just bought you the new Saints Row last week, you don't need a new game yet."
#20 What's Under There?
I was in a shoe store and a little girl was playing on the floor with her mom. The mom kept asking her to stand up but the little girl would continue rolling around the floor. Finally, she rolled under her mom's legs and looked up and said loudly, "WHY DONT YOU HAVE ON ANY PANTIES?" And the mom dragged her out of the store quickly.
#21 Women in Pub
Two women walking back from the pub: "Yeah if you bend it upwards you can pee like a bloke." Outstanding.
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#22 Kindergarten Cop
Two guys making sandwiches at my local deli were arguing over what the best movie ever was. One man was arguing that Kindergarten Cop was the best movie ever created, and the other was just arguing that it wasn't. The one arguing that it wasn't gave a couple of valid arguments that seemed easily deflected by the other man. It eventually devolved into them shouting "IT'S NOT A TUMOR" at each other.
#23 Leather Daddy
I was walking past a group of soccer mom-looking women pushing strollers. One of them proclaimed loudly, "And he was a LEATHER DADDY!"
#24 NSYNC and Not Jonas
Not exactly a conversation, but I once found a note that was written by a gentleman/patient I worked with who had schizophrenia, and it's almost like a conversation he had with himself. I've kept it for years as a reminder of the effects of mental illness on thought. I will transcribe it for you (original spelling and punctuation intact):
"Last night I saw a Mr. Dicey eatting food and he looked mean. Is this a warning for him. Nick says he needs a new father. Joe wants Shawn. Kevin needs Justin. Me and Joe will laugh to the sloppely Joes house. [Includes pictures of weird faces with names "Joe," "Shawn," and the last one is labeled "Poor Nick Kevin Justin loosing Shaun, Joe]. Yes I nod my own heead. No you are a weird Mr. Dicey. He lets me talk about Nsync and not Jonas."
#25 Spray Paint Snake
In a forestry class in college: "Yeah man, we were just walking through the woods and I almost stepped on this big rattlesnake." "Oh my god, what happened?" "I flipped out and my boss runs over with a can of spray paint and unloads on the snake with paint." "What? Why?" "His reasoning was "Hey, at least next time we will see it."
#26 Birthday Party
I was showing a network admin how insecure VoIP can be by showing him how to hack his network with a free program. We found a call and started listening in... The VoIP call we ended up cracking into was the VP and other heads of the company talking about a birthday party that they were throwing the network admin. They went on to say what a nice guy that the network admin was and how much smoother things ran under his care. The guy was nearly moved to tears.
#27 I'd Measure Your Surface Area
This happened in secondary school: "If you were a triangle, I'd measure your surface area"
#28 Frat Bathroom Bros
I was at the bathroom in my university, washing my hands and overheard a dude talking softly in one of the stalls. When he stopped speaking, I heard the guy next to him talk in a similar way. This went on for a few more seconds, until I heard one of them say "...in a minute, I'm in the bathroom right now," followed by the other dude saying, "Haha yeah, me too." The first dude, slightly louder, said, "Wait, are you next to me then?" The second dude said softly, "Possibly," then louder, "Hey Mark!" The first dude, very loudly, said, "Hey man!" They both started hitting the wall to make a noise and started laughing.
#29 Forget to Wash
"Ah man I smell today. You know you get those days where you jump in the shower but just forget to wash?"
"No. I don't. what the heck?!"
#30 Opening a Club
A great moment overheard while on honeymoon, American couple walking just behind us on Dubrovnik city walls. The man began, "It's crazy how they've managed to avoid Starbuck's or McDonald's setting up here." "That would be like opening a strip club in a national park," the lady replied with righteous indignation. With absolute sincerity, her partner responded, "But what if it was a really nice strip club?"
#31 Pregnant
I overheard my co-workers talking about their preferred method of contraception. Funny enough, the one that said "none" was pregnant like a month later.
#32 You're a Dentist, Okay?
I was chilling in my first-floor apartment in Chicago with my windows down when I heard a girl softly sobbing while a man (ostensibly her boyfriend) shouted at her: "You're a dentist, Ashley, okay? A dentist." I can't quite put my finger on why, but I'll always love that one.
#33 I Want to Be Bamboo
A little girl next to me at the zoo looking at the pandas: "Mom, when I grow up I want to be bamboo."
#34 Cream Cheese Bagel
I overheard a conversation from a row in front of me that went as follows: "Hey is this seat taken?" "Only if you can do me one favour, can you put cream cheese on my bagel for me?" Person one then proceeded to put cream cheese on person two's bagel in front of my awestruck face.
#35 Don't Roller Skate and Read
I once walked by a group of girls in the mall and overheard one girl say, "...and that's why I don't roller skate and read anymore."
#36 You Are My Best friend, Yes?
There was a little girl and her mum on the train, they were watching some video about fairies on the mum's phone. The girl turned to her mum and said matter-of-factly, "Mummy, you are my best friend, and I am your best friend, yes?" The mum agreed, of course. The little girl then nodded and said, "Okay, I love you mummy." She promptly fell asleep on her mum's shoulder. I got off the train almost crying because that's adorable.
#37 Put the Quiches Down
It was just the one line, but it was a mother talking to her child in a Waitrose: "No Quentin, put those quiches down! We only get them when guests are coming!"
#38 What About the Cheese?
I was in a hostel in Amsterdam and heard this in the middle of the night:
"Ursala, we need to go to the flower market!" He said in a defeated panic.
"The flower market is closed" she replied.
"But... what about the cheese?" He said in a voice that sounded like he was about to burst into tears.
#39 Future Wife
My future wife talking about me to her friends at a party we were at where I met her. She hadn't realized I'd shown up and heard her talking about me through a window. To this day, I've never told her about it. She was very flattering, to say the least.
#40 Wait, Your Name Isn't Karen?
I overheard two people's epic encounter a while ago. So, a woman came into the bakery and as soon as she stepped in, a man greeted her. He proceeded to ask her about what's new and how she's been the last 20 years. The woman obviously knew the guy and they engaged in a 10-minute talk about their spouses, kids and jobs—basically everything new from the last 20 years.
Then, they decided to meet up next weekend and have a cup of coffee. The woman then asked him to say hi to his sister from her. And his response was, "I don't have a sister." At that point, both of their faces were priceless. She asked him, "Wait, your name is Pete right?"
He responded: "Eh, no. Your name isn't Karen? I burst into laughter sitting a few meters away. They had been talking to a complete stranger about the last 20 years of their lives. They said bye to each other in an extremely awkward manner and went on their way.
#41 People Think I'm An Egg
I overheard my seven-year-old cousin playing with a hairclip he found, saying, "People think I'm am egg but I'm actually a venomous spider. I LIVE IN THE OCEAN!"
#42 Does It Includes Elephants?
I have a contribution from the other side, so to speak. There was a private zoo for sale here in New Zealand, in the Bombay Hills just South of Auckland, to be precise. The topic came up cause my partner at the time was working for realestate.co.nz, the largest property portal in the country, and they had discussed the listing in the office earlier that day.
We were discussing the zoo, its price, its features etc while we were sitting at a reasonably noisy restaurant. Our waitress snuck up on us to grab some empties just as I asked my partner... Can you check if the 1.2 million includes the elephants? ...I'm sure I've never seemed more interesting and wealthy at any other point in my life. Poor (misled) waitress was staring at me when I went forward to pay later.
#43 Mayonnaise Is Not a Beverage
As I was walking by the lunchroom I heard, "Mayonnaise is not a beverage, Sharon!"
#44 Llama Spit
My personal favorite was between two sorority girls on the bus: "So you know how Becca was talking about getting a llama?" "Yeah..." "Well, she actually did it! I went to her parent's place to see it and that idiot spit on me!!!"
#45 Cheese!
Mother and her small child in a pram as they walked up the street:
Mother: "When we get home, would you like sliced avocado, or mashed avocado?"
Brief pause.
Child: "Cheeeeeeeeeese!"
