Is there anything more satisfying than shutting down a jerk? We've all had to deal with a problematic person at least once in our lives, whether it was a snobby know-it-all or a red-faced Karen. The following stories recount the times when fed-up people left the jerks who were bothering them speechless and it's just so, so satisfying. Read on for some juicy tales of karmic justice:
1. Scandinavian Skies
Some random guy tried to correct me about the geography of my own country (Norway). He was claiming that it is very much flat like all the other Nordic countries, and he refused to believe me when I told him that it’s actually the opposite and is filled with mountains. I’m pretty sure that actually living here and seeing the country with my own eyes holds just a tad more weight than simply repeating something you heard.
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2. Family First
I coached gymnastics at a very highly competitive gym. One of my duties was to select and train the youngest talent for compulsory team training. Parents caught on to what I was doing when I pulled kids from rec classes and got all nail biting excited, but never confronted me if I didn't pursue a kid for higher training.
Until one high powered exec mom did: yelling in the lobby that I was blind, couldn't see Suzy's talent, her somersault (!) is better than all the other five-year-olds in class, we should be training her for free because did we know her soccer coach thinks she's a STAR? A STAR. I told her competitive gymnastics is a family commitment, and while Suzy is great, her family is what didn't make the cut.
3. Photographic Memory
My friend and I went to this event called Dapper Day at Disney last weekend, where people dress up in all kinds of vintage wear. One of Disney's photographers for the event asked my friend if she was Disney-bounding (i.e. interpreting a Disney character), and she replied that she was simply wearing a generic dress from around 1955.
The photographer began telling us about how her dress was really much more late 1940s and that, while we may have researched it, he actually lived through it; and so next time, we should look at a picture before assuming we know what era something is from. We are both professional theatrical costumers whose strengths lie in historical costuming, and her dress was taken directly from a 1955 catalog.
Furthermore, based on his approximate age, and being generous that he may have aged extremely well, this man definitely could not have been older than 5 years old in 1955.
4. Sweet, Sweet Hush Money
I had found another job and was just waiting it out to get my bonus. For about three months I was free to express myself in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise. I had noticed that my vacation time had not been approved and normally would have asked about it but decided to see how it might play out. My manager called me in about two weeks before my vacation to inform me that it was denied.
I wasn’t the least upset but I informed her I was going anyway. She threatened me every way under the sun which only made me laugh at her. Everyone was surprised when I left her office smiling as they had heard her. I went to my desk, printed off my resignation and gave it to her.
Got my bonus, got my vacation, and also got an extra two weeks paid because I was going to a competitor and they didn’t want me sharing information.
5. This Guy Sounds Like a Neanderthal
I'm majoring in archaeology. I once had a guy start talking to me about dinosaurs. I corrected him and explained that it's a fairly common misconception, but paleontology and archaeology are actually two different fields and I'm studying humans, not dinosaurs. He then doubles down and insists that I need to know about dinosaurs because "What do you do if you're digging up ruins and find a dinosaur fossil? Call a paleontologist??!!”
He smugly tells me that I'll be useless in my field if I don't know about dinosaurs, and that I had better start registering for paleontology courses as soon as possible. He left shortly after that comment. I still don't know too much about dinosaurs, and I don’t think that will change any time soon.
6. As If Rocks Grow On Trees
Had a client freak out on us and harass us with phone calls every few minutes because we couldn't accommodate her needs (She wanted to make her countertops larger than the actual slab of granite. You can't grow rock...) so we just refused her deposit and told her to not call us anymore. She was speechless, she was trying to get a discount and now she's gotta start the whole process elsewhere.
We don't abide by "the customer is always right."
7. Hamlet Gone Wrong
I didn’t specialize in this per se, but when I worked at the deli counter in my local grocery store, I had a guy once come in and ask for some sliced ham. I asked him if he wanted Black Forest ham, honey baked, or mesquite ham. He looked at me with an obnoxious smirk on his face, and said “It’s not mesquite, it’s mestique!”
When he didn’t believe me that he may be wrong about this, I literally pointed at the sign and label on the actual freaking ham itself to show him that it did, indeed, say “Mesquite.” Nevertheless, he still continued to correct me. I finally gave up and just gave him his damn “mestique ham.” This was a good 15 years ago, and I’m still mad about it!
8. A Little Out Of Your Price Range, Sir
My boss sold the company and about a week after the official switch to the new owners he called me up to ask me to do something. I told him my consulting fees were $120/hr. He didn't take me up on it, unfortunately.
9. Sugar in the Morning, Sugar in the Evening
You wouldn’t believe the number of times people have tried to tell me that you can only become diabetic if you eat too much sugar. These people also tend to absolutely INSIST that they are right. I’m a type one diabetic, and I was diagnosed when I was just 14 months old. Was I drinking soda from my baby bottles and using ring pops as pacifiers back then?
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10. Sucks For Them
I once worked for a shady company that sold and repaired expensive American vacuum cleaners. I was the service manager. I had been planning a six-week scuba diving trip with a mate for two years. They were well aware of this and said it was fine. When the time came close, I put in my application for six weeks leave.
I was called into the husband/wife owners’ office and told that I could only take three weeks (I had saved the time up with their permission). I pointed this out but they were adamant that three weeks was the most they were prepared to authorize. I even tried to negotiate five weeks but that was firmly rejected. So I walked from the office, wrote my resignation letter and left. Had a great holiday diving the Great Barrier Reef. They rang me weekly for a solid three months offering all sorts of incentives to come back but by then I had landed a great government job.
11. Music to My Ears
A guy who considered himself to be a “music maven” tried to correct me when I mentioned something about Beethoven's “9th Symphony,” better known as "Ode to Joy." He insisted that Johann Sebastian Bach had composed it when, in fact, Bach had never composed a single symphony in his entire life—not to mention that “Ode to Joy” is one of Beethoven's most famous pieces!
12. No Means No Means No Means No
I was working in retail and a customer walked up and asked if, since the ATM was broken, she could buy something then return it for cash. I had no clue so I called over another employee who had been there a while and they said no. Furious, she demanded to speak to our manager. We called over the supervisor of our section and he listened to her question and said no. Furious, she demanded his manager. He calls the manager and she shows up. Surprise, the answer is no.
Customer is red in the face and demands another manager. We call over another "manager." She asks again, he says no. When she said she wanted HIS manager he, the owner, said "I'm the owner of this store, the answer is no. It's against company policy." She stormed out, surprisingly not asking for the CEO of the company.
She didn't take no from two employees, one supervisor, one manager or the owner. When you have five people of increasing power lined up telling you no, and there is a line of bored customers behind you, you need to stop.
13. Sounds Like Intelligence Skipped a Generation!
I'm an identical twin, and a big biology nerd on the side. I had someone once try to insist to me that fraternal twins are actually called "paternal" twins. The reason that she claimed to know this better than me was that she expects to give birth to twins at some point in her life, due to the fact that her husband’s father has a twin and she had heard that twinness apparently skips a generation.
I have no clue where on earth she’s getting her information from, but she may want to consider glancing through an actual science textbook instead some time...
14. Cherish This Moment
I worked at a Dominos, and there was this old lady who ordered from us a lot and was always unpleasant. One day she calls and makes an order that she must make a lot because she knew exactly how much it was supposed to cost, down to the penny. I put her order in and tell her how much it is and she starts getting upset because the order was two cents more than what it usually is and starts accusing me of trying to steal money from her. She asks “how much money do you make stealing two cents from every customer.” Well if I was trying to steal money and I did it to 100 customers I would have made a whole two dollars.
I didn’t know what to do because she wouldn’t accept the order unless it was exactly how much she thought it should be and there’s nothing I can do to remove two cents from an order, so I ask the manager and she just tells me to hang up. I was new at that time and I’m guessing this wasn’t the first time that store got messed with by her. It felt amazing, that was the only time I ever got to do that to a customer.
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15. Rock Star
I was working for a scaffolding company right after I had finished my degree, while I was still looking for a full-time job in mining engineering. One time, we came across some pyrite and one of the guys thought that it was gold. I basically explained to him that it could not have been because it was too hard, to which he replied, “What are you some kind of rock specialist?” My answer was simply a polite but firm “Yes.”
16. Youth In Revolt
When I realized I could just hang up on my sister when she wanted to yell at me on the phone. As a twelve-year-old, that was a powerful moment.
17. Foul Language
Someone in my school once tried to correct my Spanish in class. I’m Puerto Rican, but I guess my classmate was not aware of that. I just started speaking to him in full, fluent Spanish in response. He walked away.
18. You Won’t Be Missed
I’m a librarian. A patron was mad about her fines and yelled, “And I’m never coming back!” as she left. I said, “We’re a non-profit!”
19. What a Sap!
I’m a professional dietician. I once had a person start telling me all about how agave nectar is soooo much healthier, and how I should replace all the sugar I eat with it. I told her that it's just a fructose and glucose mix, and that you might as well just use corn syrup. She got really mad. Like irrationally mad.
20. Democracy Gone Mad
I'm a teacher. Whenever students threaten me, or whenever students try to convince me to do something by saying all the students want it. I especially love "We Have Rights!" but can't describe what rights are or how they have them part.
I'll listen and consider if students actually use logic and reason about delaying a test or doing something a different way, but the whole "this is a democracy" thing I always just laugh at.
21. The Cow Jumped Over the Moon
My wife has a friend who studied zoology at an academic level. This friend once told me that cows can't run or jump. I grew up with them on a farm. On more than one occasion, I had to run after or away from them after they had jumped a fence. I know from experience that this zoologist is wrong. Despite what many people think, cows can actually be really fast when they want to be.
22. Going Down In A Blaze Of Glory
I had an issue where our district manager was purposely not correcting my pay to reflect the raise I'd been promised, so after six weeks of him blowing me off I called corporate HR and they came down on him like the fires of Mount Doom. He drove to my store and tore into me in front of customers for "not being a team player" and going over his head.
Six months later, we're informed our store is closing and the employees can transfer to other stores. Oh, but not me, I was told I'd never be welcome in the company again because I "wasn't a team player" so I would just be laid off after the store closed... Then he told me he also needed me to oversee shipping our product out to other stores based on a list he had of what store gets what.
Yeah, none of those stores got what he wanted on that list. I spent three weeks shipping whatever to whoever, playing my own music over the store speakers, and telling customers about a whole bunch of exploitable loopholes in store policies and systems.
What was he going to do? Fire me?
23. Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place
I’m an avid climber. People tell me to wear gloves all of the time. There is a form of climbing where gloves would be somewhat acceptable, although even then they’d be a bit questionable. However, in free climbing and bouldering, which are what I do, you absolutely cannot wear gloves because your bare fingers are what allow you to grip onto smaller pieces of rock effectively.
24. It’s Not Me, It’s You
When I left a job I was invited to meet with the CEO because he was unhappy I was leaving and wanted to understand why.
I explained that I was not being paid enough and the recently announced pay rise was not good enough. He got irritated and in a patronizing tone started trying to lecture me on how I should have handled that situation better. I interrupted him, he didn’t like that, so I added “I’m leaving, I have nothing to lose” and then informed him that I had already been let down over pay multiple times, had witnessed others trying to get more pay and being refused, so I had no interest in begging to be paid what I already deserved to be paid.
25. You Had Me At Pizza
I'm a food scientist, so this happens to me basically all the time. I had one person insisting that she doesn’t eat any MSG because it gives her terrible migraines. She was eating pizza while telling me about this. There is so much misinformation out there about food, that things like this are basically a constant experience for me.
26. Short But Oh So Sweet
When the kid who picked on me in high school applied to work in my store.
27. Soiled
My professor told my class that he was once shopping at a chain store, looking for some fertilizer. A younger employee asked if he needed any help finding something, so he told him what he was looking for and in what amounts. The employee then went on to thoroughly teach him about how those numbers are really percentages of how much elemental nitrogen, phosphorus, and potassium are in the mix—and the rest of the percentage missing is just filler stuff.
My professor has a PhD in soil science. The employee’s explanation was not correct, but he decided to just let it slide since he was so enthusiastic about it. He didn’t want to burst the poor guy’s bubble.
28. You’re Under My Roof Now
When mom got ridiculously nasty & rude with me in my own home I had just moved into—I told her if she doesn't like my food, furniture, clothes, the location of where my apartment is & the A/C; there's the door, I'll gladly lock the top & bottom locks. She changed her tune when I opened the door and she realized I was dead serious.
29. They’ve Got Their Heads in the Clouds
I’m an app developer. Every once in a while, tech support will escalate an issue to me, and I'll have to listen to a customer try to explain to me how my own program works. I don't care how many times you whiningly tell me that "It won't sync to the cloud!" An application that doesn't even connect to the internet has never done that, and never will.
30. Google Can’t Help You Here, Miss
There was a wrong price tag on a pair of shoes at the store I managed. It wasn’t priced incorrectly, someone had taken the sticker off another shoe and put it on that one. I had a customer tell me that by law I had to sell her the shoe for the price marked. I explained to her that in fact, I didn’t HAVE to do anything. She paid the full price but then spent 20 minutes out the front of the store googling consumer laws.
31. When the Army Comes Rolling Along
I work in the field of Lightning Protection here in the good ol’ United States. I do all the estimating and all the designs for the largest company in the Southeast. I’ve been doing this for about 7 years already. I am fully certified through our industry's largest certification company. Despite all of that, the amount of engineers and architects who love to argue with me about the industry code is astounding.
I live that code. Being that I estimate and design systems, my main job is to know that code like the back of my hand. That code is practically a part of me. I have experienced many cases like this, but the worst was the Army Corps of Engineers. We had a project that their designer had designed which was in the bid package drawings.
It was a pretty standard situation, we were just going to pick out the materials requested and ignore the incorrect aspects of the design. That is how we bid it, won it, and designed it. This would have provided them with a fully certified system. In our business, a U.L. Master Label certification is as close to a requirement for every job as anything can be.
Two weeks after we submitted our design, it came back with a revise and resubmit stamp, along with a very snarky demand from the Corps that we change our design to the exact one provided in the bid package. I went back and forth on emails and calls with their engineers, trying to explain to them that their system would not work, was potentially a dangerous hazard, and ultimately could not be certified or warrantied.
They came back basically with a “We don't care what you say, we know better, just do it and keep your mouth shut.” So I did. I designed it exactly like they had asked and put a disclaimer on the drawing, saying that there would likely be issues and that we were not responsible. A few months then go by, my design is installed, and the Corps are now ready to get their certification.
They call the inspector in to check the design out. He immediately fails it before they even put it on the roof. The Army got pissed and tried to blame it all on us. I politely forwarded the countless email chains to the officer in charge. They had to scramble to get it up to code in time for when they needed it. As a consequence, it resulted in us issuing a change order to bring it up to code for them. It cost around 75% more than the original cost of the project.
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32. It’s The Little Things
I work at a domestic violence shelter, and our ex-executive director was asked to resign because she had embezzled over 25 grand worth of our grant funding. She was a verbally abusive garbage human, doing things to the employees that were the same things that clients are escaping from. I never did stick up for myself, because it was easier to let her curse and scream about thermostats and cat litter and be done.
She has been skirting the blame in our small town since she resigned and the other day sent a mass text out to all current and past employees once again passing the blame on to our current director and our board. I had had enough of this drama and her, and finally told her that she could politely "lose my number." It's just a small text, but that was literally my declaration of independence from her, and I have NEVER FELT MORE EMPOWERED IN MY LIFE.
33. Quality Assured
I was being discharged from a week-long hospital stay and, even though I was ready to go home, I was still having some bouts of nausea. I had been getting Zofran while inpatient and asked the nurse if the discharging provider could send in a script for a few doses. In a sweet, sickly voice, she said: "Oh honey, Zofran only comes in IV form."
I replied with, "Oh honey, I'm a pharmacist, and can assure you that it also comes in tablets, liquid, and oral-disintegrating tabs." She fumbled a bit, then mumbled something about checking with the doctor and quickly exited the room. I may not have perfectly mimicked her condescending tone, but I sure as hell tried.
34. Show Them Who’s Boss
I work for a pipeline company, one of our lines brings fuel into a refinery. We needed something changed out on our line, and needed it done ASAP.
Timing was critical, because after a few days of not being about to deliver into the refinery, it would back up our system and shut down the WHOLE PIPELINE. Big problem.
The refinery guys were total jerks, and were obviously used to being in charge, and definitely didn't take orders from a young female.
For two days, I got to remind them that I FUEL YOUR GODDAMN REFINERY. Oh, you don't think you can get to this today? I hope you don't mind explaining this when our pipeline is down and your refinery shuts down...
Felt so good, man.
35. Mechanical Errors
I'm a Harley Davidson mechanic and, I swear, almost all Harley riders seem to feel some kind of intense need to pretend that they know everything there is to know about their bike at all times, even when they clearly don’t! Believe me, it can get really annoying. I don’t even argue with them anymore, I just tell ‘em what's up. If they want to debate me about it, I just say "ok" and walk away.
36. Barking Up The Wrong Tree
Girls try to get me to buy them drinks at bars a lot. I make sure to introduce them to my boyfriend very politely as I decline.
37. Will the Real Designer Please Stand Up?
I wrote software for a large, interactive art piece. It was presented in such a way that it required the viewer to discover how it was used on their own, but it wasn't difficult and most people picked up on the main operation of it very, very quickly (as was intended to be the case). There were three stations that all interacted with each other, but were separated by some distance.
One day during the exhibit, I see some random guy very flamboyantly operating the device (it created music, lights, and fire), and voluntarily explaining how it works to a small crowd gathered around him. I'm intrigued, so I walk over to hear him. According to what he was telling people, he had "figured" it all out and was therefore now basking in the adulation of those around him.
The only problem was...he was totally wrong. Like, way off! So, after listening for a little bit, I gently and politely pointed out how it differed from what he was saying about it. He then looks around at "his" crowd, and tells me that I'm way off and I clearly don't get it; that I just don't understand. This was especially perplexing not only because I had been involved in the design, but also because simple operation and observation contradicted what he was claiming.
Anyway, I again, politely, explained a bit more to further illustrate where he was going wrong. He told me that I just didn't know what I was talking about. I hesitated for a moment, and considered just thanking him and walking away. Then, I thought better of it. I looked straight at him in front of the entire crowd and told him that I had written the software for what he was doing, and had been writing and running it on my laptop at home every night for the last six months.
The crowd’s whole attitude instantly changed. People came up to congratulate and thank me, and they no longer seemed to care about this other guy’s claims. I eventually just wandered off. It was weird how invested that guy was in being right and the center of attention over something that had nothing to do with him, to begin with. At least he was polite at the end.
38. Reap What You Sow
I work at a call center and a customer asked to speak to a supervisor today. Of course, I had to be that supervisor. Being in my position, I have a lot more leeway with procedures than frontline customer service specialists do. I was a hair from fixing this man’s problem and drastically cutting down the call time... Until he started to insult me.
I literally chose to make this customers life more difficult and take the traditional route with the call instead of making a special exception JUST because of his attitude. The customer wound up hanging up on me after refusing our number, so he’ll probably call back, get transferred 500 times (my department is kind of niche), and have to do the same thing all over. Be nice to customer service and customer service will be nice to you.
39. Stand and De-Liver
I’m a nurse, and I particularly enjoy it when people try to inform me about medications and the amounts they feel they should be taking. Patient: “But I usually take paracetamol every hour!” Me: “And that’s why you’re here with liver problems, Karen!”
40. Not as Senior As You Think
"I'm the most senior employee here so I'm technically the boss."
No, you're covering from another department... regardless of how long you've worked here, you're only filling in and are not employed by us. You are technically the least senior, according to company policy. Even less senior than the girl who started twenty minutes before you got here.
41. Are You Ready to Rumble?
I run a company that produces fighting equipment, think foam swords and sports armor. Part of my job is safety checking all of the weapons—making sure there's no exposed core, making sure it's all up to spec, etc. I am also female. I was invited to go to fencing one time in my area, something that I’m fairly skilled in, as you can imagine.
One player there recognized me and asked me to check his weapon to see if it would pass at my game. Another dude interrupted us to show me the “right way” to check a weapon. He then proceeded to explain basic construction methods to me. Eventually, he was stopped by the opening announcements for that game —and he missed every single hint that I didn't actually need his advice. Watching him blush a few minutes later when I was introduced with full title to go up on stage was glorious.
42. Strip Clubs Don’t Mess Around
I was a manager at a strip club for around ten years, and we always loved the customers who complain about nonsense and think something will happen because the world has taught them the customer is always right. I used to give them a piece of paper and a pen, and tell them to write it all down and I'll put it in the suggestion box. When they were done and handed me the paper, I'd ball it up and throw it right in the garbage can, and tell them their complaint had been filed.
43. The Beer Necessities
In the Netherlands, we have different sized glasses for our Pilsner. They all have different names—the smallest (0.18L) is called a flute (Fluitje), the middle is a vase (Vaasje), and the largest (0.5L) we just call "half a liter" or pint. Sometimes, bars have a medium of 0.33L as well, but that one doesn’t really have a name.
Anyway, most people drink flutes or vases. You'd order "a flute, please" or "a vase, please" and you'll always be served the house pilsner in the size you ordered. As you might have guessed by now, I am a bartender. One night, I was at work in my bar and had this group of five dudes drinking vases—a lot of vases.
The thing is that when you simply order "a beer," you'll be served a vase of pilsner as the standard. Everyone knows this here. It's common knowledge and no one ever objects to it. So, these dudes had simply been ordering "five beers, please" over and over again the whole night. They were served vases each time.
When the time came to finally pay, I gave them their bill and it said 35 vases of Heineken. They then tried to argue with me that the glasses I had served them in were not vases, but flutes. I told them that I was not going to argue about something as ridiculous as this, as anyone who drinks beer in the Netherlands knows what a flute and a vase is, and everyone knows what size they are.
Nevertheless, they refused to pay, so I told them to Google the sizes of beers and see for themselves. So they did. They then found a website that listed the sizes and names of the glasses, but they wouldn’t believe it because "The website must be owned by Heineken." Sure, a flute and vase conspiracy, that's a new one!
In the end, I told them to pay or I would call the cops, so they paid—but they also said that they were going to write a complaint email to my bosses telling them that I was ignorant about glass sizes. I encouraged them to do so, knowing full well that any such claim would just be laughed at and thrown out almost immediately.
At this point, even some of our other customers started telling them to stop behaving like ridiculous idiots. I kindly asked them to never return to my bar again.
44. Karma Comes For Us All
Don’t know if this counts. I had a crappy group project teammate in college. Didn’t do any work. He applied for the company I worked for about a year after college. My bosses asked if I knew him and I said: “yup, don’t hire him.”
Was the ultimate peer review revenge.
45. A Life and Death Situation
We had a few lectures at my university given by the head of cardiology at the adjacent hospital. He told us about the time he was waiting to cross the road, when a man next to him collapsed. As he knelt down to attend to him, a large lady strode over, physically lifted him and pushed him out of her way, then said in a loud and proud voice: "I'll take charge here, I have a first aid certificate!"
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46. That’s Rich
I was let go from a non-profit for no reason (re: wasn’t in "rich" enough circles to be able to attract money to the org).
I then got a job at a large funder for non-profits. The non-profit eventually came knocking and I had the ear of the CEO.
I didn’t end up saying anything, but it was one of the most satisfying moments in my life to have that power and a friendly reminder to treat all people well.
47. Coming Out Ahead
I’m a mechanic and I was once asked to do the rear brakes on a classic Vespa scooter. I think it may have been a 200 Rally, but I’m not fully sure as this was decades ago. So, the owner and his pal turned up with the scooter. I loosened off and removed the rear rim and tire, then loosened the hub nut and began to put the rear rim and tire back on.
That’s when all of a sudden, I heard: "Oh hey, wait a minute, mate! What the heck are you doing?" I said, "I'm getting the hub off." They yelled, "Not like that, you're not!" They insisted that there was a better way to remove it, and offered to try and do it themselves on my behalf. So, I said sure. I told them that I was going out for a quick cup of coffee and smoke break, and that they could call me to come back and continue as soon as they had removed the hub.
Four hours later, (yes, four bloody hours), they were still at it. The hub wouldn't budge, not even a single inch. Getting bored, I finally decided to just go back to them and do the job myself. I put the rim and tire on, screwed in and tightened the two wheel bolts, and, using a mallet, hit three times on one point, then three times 180 degrees opposite, then rinsed and repeated three or four times until the entire rim, tire, and hub assembly simply came off.
You know, the simple way that this was meant to be done all along. I charged them for half a day’s worth of labor, for only a 30-minute job.
48. Exposure Doesn’t Pay The Bills
An ex-client tried to make out that he never said he agreed to pay me after creating him a complex website, graphics and marketing materials and that it was just "work experience."
This was untrue, he even agreed a price via email exchange and I'm not exactly going to waste my time working for "experience" when I have bills to pay and an established skillset in my field.
Anyway, a swift screenshot of the emails and talks of lawyers soon changed his tune.
49. What a Crackpot!
I've spent over a decade as a professional pastry cook. The general manager at my new corporate job just tried to teach me how to crack eggs.
50. Czech Mate
I studied history at university and worked for a while as a tour guide in Prague, Czech Republic. I once had a customer on a walking tour of the city get really snarky with me because I called the river running through the city the Vltava. He declared to the whole tour that this was not its name. I asked him if he had heard it referred to as the Moldau, as that was the German name for the river during the Habsburg era when German was the official language.
To my surprise, he said no, and added that I was probably just stupid. He insisted that the river was called the Danube. I pointed out to him that the Danube doesn't run through Prague, and asked if perhaps he was thinking of Brno. No, he confirmed, he had definitely read in a guidebook some time that it was the Danube, so why the hell was he paying money for this tour if the guide didn't even know what the river was called?
At this point, another tourist in the group showed him her guidebook where it clearly said 'Vltava.' Then another showed him a map, and another showed him another guidebook, and so on and so forth until the whole group had basically shown him what a twat he was being. He didn't apologize at any point, of course, but at least he kept his mouth shut for the rest of the tour.
51. Fake I.D. Fail
Over and over when I worked as a nightclub doorman:
"This ID is fake. You can’t come in, and I'm keeping the fake ID."
"You can't take my driver's license. I'm calling the cops."
"This is Officer Local Police Department working an approved off duty security shift. You can talk to him."
"Um, bye."
52. When Earth Doesn’t Work
A new house recently got built next door to mine. Shortly after the owners moved in, they knocked on my door to complain that my house was built too high. I explained that my house was built on flat ground and that their builder had built their house lower for some reason, undercutting my fence. The guy proceeds to give a long-winded spiel about how earthworks are done and how my house is too high and I have to fix it.
I then explain that I do earthworks for a living, have done the earthworks for over 300 houses in my suburb alone, and around 1,200 in the local area in total. I name his builder, his site supervisor, his engineer, the exact floor levels in the street, and the law that says that he has to pay to fix my fence. He still hasn't paid, and the legal procedures are beginning soon.
53. That Ain’t Gonna Fly
Turned in my two weeks. Fly many states away for what will be my final customer. Sit down with the guy and right off he is demanding and threatening. I forget the actual sentence he dropped but I was just like "nope."
So I just flat told him: This is the last time I'll be working for this company, turned in my notice right before I flew here. A bit unprofessional I guess, but meh. I didn't even have to tell him to drop the attitude and chill, he figured out it wasn't going to be the most productive way to deal with me and immediately changed his tone.
54. Hitting Below the Belt
I've been in martial arts for 14 years, and I'm a fourth-degree black belt. I don't claim to know everything, not even close—but I do know what I'm talking about compared to the average person. At my university, I decided to try out the Taekwondo club on campus. It was the first day I was trying it and I didn't know if we were supposed to wear uniforms or not, so I went in with workout clothes but brought my full gear with me just in case.
Before the class started, one of the leaders (who was wearing a second-degree black belt, nothing to sniff at, but still a difference of five years of training) came up to me and started explaining the general protocol of class. He offered to stand next to me during the class to show me how to do the different steps. Throughout all of this, he seemed annoyed that he was having to explain everything, and generally acted like he didn't want any new, inexperienced students.
I politely agreed, and asked if we should wear our uniforms for the class. He explained that if we had them we should, but it wasn't a problem if I didn't have one. I explained that I did have one, and said I'd be right back, then proceeded to go change into my uniform. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw me walk out with my instructor's uniform and fourth-degree belt.
55. When Reason Goes Out The Window
When I was at school I was having trouble with this one guy—not a bully, exactly, but we didn't get on (we were later put in separate houses). Anyway, during one shouting match, he made a big thing about how he was whatever rank in the army cadets.
I stopped for a second, and just said: "But, I'm not in the cadets."
"But I outrank you!"
"I don't have a rank. I'm not in the army, so you're not above me."
And then he said, "But if martial law were declared..."
And I couldn't really carry on after that.
56. How Can It Be Two Things at Once?
I’m a nutritionist. I once had somebody insisting that you should drink apple cider with vinegar to alkalize your body and prevent diseases. I pointed out that that's an acid. He insisted that it was not, as it was “just apple cider with vinegar.” Right…
57. Sort Out Your Priorities
I am 5'4" male who looks less muscular than I am. I was in line for priority boarding and it had just started when the woman behind me said "Excuse me, this is for priority boarding. You need to wait with everyone else."
I ignored her and presented my boarding pass with my active duty ID. My only revenge was when the attendant said "thank you for your service," I turned to the woman behind me, grinned, and said "thanks!" Before boarding.
58. Mama Mia!
My parents are Italian and I speak Italian. Nevertheless, I have often had random people in the US who are one-quarter Italian at best, or who once ate Italian food, correct me on the pronunciation of any number of things. One of the favorites is to tell me that “gravy” is how you say sauce in Italian. Yes, my Italian may not be perfect and I may have forgotten how to say a lot of things since my childhood, but I am quite certain that sauce isn't called "gravy" in Italy. Sorry, friends!
59. Hypocrite Much?
A few years ago a water main burst at the end of our street, causing traffic to be detoured for a few days through the parking lot of a retirement community two blocks from my house. It ironically was a bit of a shortcut on my way home from work, but I'd never taken it before because it was private property. A few days after they fixed the break and opened the road again, traffic was super jammed up and I turned off early to take the shortcut through the parking lot, just because.
On that day, a resident of the retirement place who was parking saw me, and followed me home. She pulled in to my building's parking lot right behind me, and as I stepped out after parking she yelled from her window that I'd trespassed on private property, and I shouldn't ever do that again. I looked her dead in the eye, pointed to the private property sign she'd driven past as she pulled into our lot, and said, "Sounds like a deal."
60. This Website Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us
I’m a welder on nuclear submarines with over 14 different x-ray welding qualifications at my current company alone. I was in an online discussion group about welding but eventually had to leave it because I was constantly getting dragged into ridiculous arguments with people who are brand new to the field and have no real world experience with welding, yet think that they literally know everything there is to know about it.
The amount of wrong information that was being thrown around left and right over there is insane. There were plenty of very knowledgeable folks there who I enjoyed talking to, but they were greatly overshadowed by the ignorant, unfortunately.
61. Out You Go
Had a nursing home patient call 911 themselves and the nurse told us (EMS) to leave before we saw the patient. No, once an active emergency scene is established the competent patient and the emergency service providers call the shots. The police removed him from the patient's room. His boss removed him from his job later.
62. A Tall Tale
Someone once tried to convince me that I was wrong about my own height. I’m 6’10” tall. A guy came up to me and said that he was 6’10” tall, so I must therefore actually be about 7-feet tall in order to be that much taller than him. “Nahhh, man—you’re 6’6” tall max,” I replied. And then we went back and forth about that for a little bit. Like—what? Why? What would I possibly stand to benefit from lying about my height to a total stranger?
63. Engineer Your Way Out Of That One, Boss
I have always had a pretty good relationship with my bosses and they're usually reasonable. It's an engineering position and occasionally some people have to travel. I was asked to cover for someone for a relatively trivial meeting on the west coast. It was not my project and the only justification was to send a warm body to show that we were present.
Boss told me to go, I said no. He said "this won't look good on your performance appraisal." I said "the only way you can hurt me with a performance appraisal is to roll it up and poke me in the eye."
I did not go to the meeting.
64. Going Off Quilter
I worked at a quilt store for five years. I'm a male and was in my late 20s at the time. I got customers treating me like I knew nothing about quilts pretty much every day. Eventually, I just started working on my own projects in the store right in front of people, so that they could see that I was a better quilter than them before they started talking down to me and asking if the owner was my mother.
65. It’s A Family Guy Affair
Middle school, we were stupid edgy kids who wanted nothing more in this world than Call of Duty and Family Guy.
Teacher found out we were watching Family Guy, tried to get the school to ban it/phone our parents and tell them we were watching it. Plot twist: most parents know their kids are watching it, and don't care because around the age of 13 you're typically responsible enough to not repeat the stuff you hear when it's not appropriate.
Whoever would have guessed schools can't control what you do at home!
66. Nothing Natural About This
I have a degree in Music Performance, specializing in low brass instruments. I can transpose most other clefs on the fly, which is an important trait for a gigging musician. I now have another career, but I come out during wedding season, holidays, and to cover or sub for local professionals. I was recently at a gig playing trombone and reading a lead sheet written for flute.
The trumpet player kept missing a D-flat. We stopped rehearsal, and he tried to tell me that I was playing the wrong note. I told him that the note was a D-flat and that he, in fact, was the one playing the wrong note by playing a D-natural. He then tells me that I need to learn to transpose. I had to explain to this professional musician that low brass instruments don't transpose C parts, we just read them.
A D-flat on flute is a D-flat for trombone as well. The dude still argued with me about it for five minutes. Even the piano and guitar players began chiming in to tell him that he was wrong.
67. Sound Logic
Watched a woman try to get speedy boarding on an easyJet flight because "I've had a British Airways Gold Card for twenty years."
68. Do You Know Who I Am?
Unfortunately, I was recently on the flip side of something like this—and I got shut down. I was arguing with my cousin while we were in an old hydraulic elevator. I said that hydraulic elevators are slow, crap, and have far more failures than cable elevators. The guy standing across from us started laughing and shaking his head. He proudly informed us that he is an elevator repairman, and that what I was saying was not true at all. Shamed.
69. Trouble With The In-Laws
When my ex FINALLY stood up to his mother (She was 90% of the reason for divorce) about our custody schedule and told her, "We have it figured out. Myself, their mother, and their stepdad. We do not need your advice or opinion."
I just wish I had been able to witness it.
70. Been There, Done That
"You need to research what aircraft carriers are like before you attempt to write a book about one." This was said to me by a member of my writer's workshop after reading a scene in which I described an aircraft carrier as "creaking." I’ve sailed on the USS Eisenhower...
Pixabay
71. Laser Focused
Yesterday, I was at a physics lecture given by Donna Strickland, who won the Nobel Prize in Physics last year for her work in lasers. During the question period afterward, some kid (either an undergrad or a young grad, I didn’t know him) was all like “I have a comment more than a question...” and proceeded to explain some laser technique to her and that he thought she should try to use.
Her response was a “Yes, we are all well familiar with that technique in my lab and we already use it.” I was just kind of amazed at the nerve of this kid for trying to tell a Nobel Laureate how to do her research in a room packed with hundreds of people.
72. Trouble-Free Toking
When my Mom comes over unexpectedly to my house and sees my weed and weed smoking devices.
73. You Can’t Possibly Do What I Do!
I used to work in an air traffic control tower, and we would fairly often have new pilots visiting to see the airport and what happens from the air traffic control side of things. I was on a break one time when a particular pilot was visiting, and I was the only female air traffic controller in that workplace. I guess because I’m a woman, the people there just assumed that I was a waitress or something rather than an actual air traffic controller.
So the visiting pilot finishes his cup of coffee, hands me his mug, and says “Wash that for me, would you honey?” By the time he had returned to his aircraft, my break was over. He, unfortunately, found himself at the back of a rather long departure queue. I wanted him to have some time listening to the frequency and absorbing the fact that if a woman is in a professional environment, she’s probably not just the freaking tea lady.
74. Petty Power-Play Falls Flat
I had put in my two weeks notice at a job and they suddenly had me working bizarre split shifts when they found out that I was training for my new job around my previously set schedule. My schedule which had not changed in months. The schedule which was preventing me from finishing college.
I finally had my fill and decided to leave. As I was leaving, one of the supervisors said I had to check in with a manager and I said, "Naw, I don't work here anymore."
75. There’s Some Bad Chemistry Between These Two!
I once had a nurse explain to me that I needed to drink more water so that more oxygen could get to my brain. In response to my puzzled look, he explained that H2O dissolved into oxygen and hydrogen, and the oxygen then travels to the brain. I'm a chemist. Yes, I asked to speak to the clinic director.
76. Seniority Squabble
My job has a system based on seniority if you are doing the same job. For example: promotions are handed out to the people who've been there the longest, or if the job is overstaffed the seniors gets first dibs to leave. In the interview they ask if you are comfortable if a 20-year-old is your senior and can boss you around (assuming you are a 50-year-old), if you answer you have problem with it, they won't hire you...
So I'm 22 and this 45 year old was telling me what to do, I am his senior by two years. He was telling me how to do my job on his first month. Hell nah, tried to throw the “I'm old enough to be your grandfather/dad” card. He told the supervisor that I was being disrespectful and rude and threatened to call HR...
HR fired him.
77. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
I once found myself in a situation like this that you would never believe. I'm by no means a medical expert or a doctor, but I have a trauma care qualification through the fire department. One evening after my night shift, I came across a male in the street who had clearly just had a seizure and fallen off his bike in the middle of the road.
I grabbed a blanket from my car and ran over to try and help. I began assessing him, and there was a LOT of blood. At first, he wasn't responsive, so I was starting to work through the rest of my assessment whilst asking one passerby to call 9-1-1 and asking another one to run 100 yards up the road to the nearby emergency station and tell them to come down.
All of a sudden, some woman with an “I want to speak to your manager” haircut appears out of nowhere, and loudly declares that she is going to take care of the situation from here on; and so everyone else needs to just move along. To be honest, when I first heard this, I was thankful to now potentially have some help, and the patient was just starting to show some signs of recovery.
That quickly changed as this woman began aggressively pinning the dude to the floor and telling someone to stick his wallet in his mouth. I started to freak out and tell people not to do what she was telling them to do. I tried to get her the heck off of him, because I could see that she clearly didn’t know what she was doing.
She responded by telling me that I was the one who should get off of him and that I should let someone who knew what they were doing deal with the situation. I didn't bother arguing with her. I instead took over the 9-1-1 call, as the member of the public was struggling to give the right info to the person on the other end of the line.
I explained the situation carefully and gave them my casualty assessment. Then, the fire crew arrived. To say that I was relieved when they jumped out, told the woman to get off of the dude, and spoke to me on a first name basis is an understatement. Her face dropped as everyone there clearly stopped taking her seriously in that moment.
The patient was handed over effectively. They turned him onto his side, administered whatever they judged was necessary, warmed him up in a blanket, and loaded him onto the ambulance as soon as it arrived.
78. Good Riddance
A (heading towards abusive) ex told me that he would leave me if I didn’t lose ten pounds in the two weeks before his friend’s wedding. He was blown away when I said “okay” and walked away.
79. A Civil Conversation
I once had a friend of a friend start to explain the causes and effects of the American Civil War to me at a backyard party. I kept trying to take part in the conversation, and he kept interrupting me. Finally, our mutual friend, overhearing our “conversation” (AKA this guy's lecture), leans in and says, "You know she got her grad degree in this subject, right?"
I'd love to say that learning about my credentials, so to speak, changed the tone or course of our conversation, but it didn't. Somehow, it only intensified his need to explain things to me that I can literally teach a high-level class on. Classic.
80. What A Beautiful Sight
Over the course of six months, through countless phone calls to different union offices and the department of labor, I eventually got my boss fired for changing people's time-keeping information to steal overtime from them. During those months I was treated like dirt by this guy, but I never actually did anything wrong so I couldn't be punished. At one point, management—against contract rules—denied my time off request to be at my best friend’s wedding and my boss brought me into his office and threatened to fire me. At this point, I had called the northeast district business associate on him, and I will never forget the look on my boss’s face when he realized I knew he couldn't do anything to me.
81. Arms Race
I’m a Canadian lawyer. I used to primarily do firearms law. I taught a course in firearms law at a major university. I've been consulted on it by major lawyers. I've had judges tell other lawyers to phone me with their firearms law questions. I once had a first-year law student try to tell me that I was oh-so-wrong about firearms law on a particular topic.
Eventually, they went and cited a particular case, which I politely advised them that they were wrong about. They kept going on and on, talking about how just because I'm a lawyer and they're a student doesn't mean that they're wrong. Meanwhile, I'm just trying my best to hold my tongue. Eventually, someone else chimed in to be like, "Uhh, don't you know who this professor is? The case that you are citing is a case that he personally argued and won on." That was definitely a satisfying moment, to say the least.
82. Ain’t Gonna Happen, Bud
I'm an ICU nurse, the last two nights I've been taking care of a large strong man going through withdrawals. It involves four-point restraints.
This morning I was trying to put elbow pads on him and he swung at me, but of course, the restraints prevented this.
He was furious as I just stood there and slow blinked at him.
83. How About No?
I was in a wedding party and there was a brief lull in between scheduled parts and we were all just milling around waiting. The maid of honor, known for being obnoxiously bossy, starts barking out orders to every single person. As soon as she’s finished, the wedding planner who was standing behind her chimes in with '"nobody do any of that" and then told us to sit tight. It was great.
Public Domain Pictures
84. A Boneheaded Play
I sat in on a personal injury case where the plaintiff broke their leg in an accident and had a doctor on the stand as an expert. The woman's lawyer begins questioning the doctor about his experience with leg injuries (he was a well known orthopedic surgeon in the area). She asks if he’s ever treated a tibula fracture.
He simply answers "no." So, she starts grilling him with questions about the tibula. After about six or seven questions, she asks "how did you get a medical license if you've never treated a tibula fracture?" She launches into a huge rant trying to discredit his credentials, to which he simply responds "there is no bone called the tibula."
The lawyer became beet red and everyone in the room tried their best to keep from laughing, including the judge.
85. Vertically or Horizontally?
In elementary school, there was this girl who was super mean to everyone. She was rather big for her age, and she kept taking people's lunch money and making up stories that got people into trouble. One day when she was feeling particularly mean, she was circling a group of 1st graders with her bike and throwing insults at them.
Suddenly, her bike broke in half—like literally it just snapped in half. She hit the ground rather hard and had to walk home all dirty and with torn clothes. Gave everyone a good laugh, and she wasn't nearly as mean for a few weeks after that.
86. Punch-Man!
I work at a residential facility for individuals with developmental disabilities. The other day, I was punching out after working an overnight shift and I hear the nurse who administers medication screaming at staff over something relatively minor in front of the residents while they were eating their breakfast.
I leave and go across the street to another house because I had to hand in paperwork there. A few minutes later, the same nurse comes into the house I am now in to begin administering medications. The second she steps in the house, a resident runs up to her, punches her in the face, and runs away. So satisfying.
87. Todd Strikes Back
I went to school with a jerk named Christopher. Christopher was one of those kids who felt like he could do whatever he wanted to anyone else, and he would be absolved of all blame if he finished his routine with "It's just a joke." Basically, he was a grade-A jerk. Enter the second major character: There was also a mentally challenged kid in our class, Todd.
Now, Todd was fond of asking questions. Although Todd annoyed us, we still all looked after him. He was one of us, sometimes that was a good thing, sometimes a bad thing. The karmic incident took place in our senior years. We basically ruled the school, and naturally this power got to our heads. But Christopher was the worst.
We were playing baseball and practicing for an upcoming competition. I was kinda mad because Todd was on my team, and he wasn't the most athletically gifted. We were losing, due in no small part to the other team’s superior members. Then it was Todd's turn. I looked at the other team. Christopher was pitching the ball, and he wasn't even giving Todd a chance.
He'd throw the ball at his feet and burst out laughing with his team. Babe Ruth couldn't have done a dang thing with those kinds of throws. It went on for three minutes. Eventually, his own team got sick of him and told him to give a decent throw so Todd could strike out and the game could progress. He throws it, and Todd braces himself.
We're all watching by now. Todd has tears in his eyes by this point. The ball draws closer, and the world moved in slow motion. WHACK. Todd didn't just hit the ball with the bat, he freaking annihilated it. The bang was heard all over the school. It sounded like an explosion had gone off, localized entirely around the side of the bat.
The ball went back toward Christopher at Mach speed and hit him squarely in the eye. He fell down, out cold. One of his friends helped him inside, while the rest of us, both teams, cheered and laughed. We lifted Todd on our shoulders, and gave him a hero's return. He was no longer just Todd. He was Todd, the destroyer of idiots.
88. Classic Squirrel
Many years ago, a group of us were together with a guy who was nicknamed "Squirrel." He was a small guy who loved attention and didn't care what kind. He would do stuff like jump in puddles to splash people who were just walking along. One day, we were walking down a sidewalk and there was a large fresh pile of dog poop on the walkway.
He dropped back a little behind us, then ran forward and took a leap to land on it just as we were close. Except it was apparently very slippery. His feet slipped out from under him and he landed right in it. It was a thing of beauty.
89. Don’t Mess With Traffic
I was working in a pub in Liverpool and had just arrived, about 10:00 am, to start my shift. I knocked on the door and waited for someone to let me in. I became aware of some voices shouting and turned around to see two guys, shirts off, swaggering toward me speaking a language I didn't understand, but they were calling me names.
After insulting me and laughing they walked off toward a busy road. I watched them as they walked out into the traffic, waving their arms at the cars to stop for them, then giving the drivers the finger. Suddenly, one of the cars stopped and four big guys got out. One of the car guys made out like he was going to punch one, drawing his fist far back.
The little dink just covered his face and screamed. They didn't get hit but the car guys and a lot of passersby burst out laughing. They let him go and he ran away. That felt good.
90. Winning the Tournament
I worked as a bartender at a bowling alley. For some reason one of the other bartenders hated me. She was constantly poaching people on my side, and whenever she was counting down tips to share I know she wasn't splitting them properly. All that stuff. Well, tournament season started, which everyone dreaded but also looked forward to.
Dreaded because the shifts were twice as long as normal and there was a constant rush. Looked forward to because we'd make as much in a day as we did in a normal week. Well, the first tournament was teams that she considered "hers," they bowled on her side on days she worked, so she knew them well and was looking forward to their tips.
She came in, saw that I was scheduled to bartend that day, and flipped out. She started ranting to the manager...but she had made a fatal miscalculation. The owner of the place also happened to be there, and he shut her down. He said I was one of the better bartenders, and if she didn't like it, she could just leave. My coworker left.
91. I’ll Take It
My last job, I was friends with everyone I worked with...except the boss. She hated me, for multiple stupid reasons. One being I constantly called her out on her awful work ethic. I know you think helping customers is your lowers' job, but when I have both lines on the phone ringing and I'm the only one on register, you walking back and forth outside of the store on your cell with a personal call isn't cool.
She eventually got sick of me not kissing her butt, so she fired me for "insubordination." Then she was fired a week later for not fulfilling her duties, multiple complaints from customers and employees, and falsifying documents. Now my best friend is the manager, but the jerk boss labeled me as "un-hire-able," so now he can't rehire me. I guess we both lose.
92. Sometimes, You Make Your Own Karma
Back in the day, my dad went to college, and his particular dormitory had around 15 floors. There was this dude, Chester, who lived in the center apartment on the 14th floor, facing the north side. This meant that Chester's window was located directly above the entrance to the dormitory. This was not a good thing.
Chester, being the real idiot he was, would come home from school and wind down by throwing water balloons at the people walking into the building. Not even people he particularly hated or anything. Chester just did this to everyone for fun. Well one day, he hits my dad. Big mistake, as he would soon find out.
My dad and his friend bring a garbage can up 15 flights of stairs, head to the bathroom, and fill it with water. They then head up to his friend's dorm, which happens to be right above Chester's. A couple of girls walk up the steps to the door. Chester leans out of his window, prepared to throw the balloons, and is promptly hit with an entire garbage can of water.
93. What, You Don’t Like Squab?
Sitting at a stop light, I watch as two preppy girls from the university chase pigeons off the sidewalk. They fly up and land a few feet further every time. As they approach the intersection, one girl squeals and runs right at them. As they take flight, a bus drives by at full speed. Two of the pigeons don't make it in time and are instantly transformed into a cloud of feathers.
Then I hear the blood-curdling scream. "They're ON me!" "THEY'RE ON ME!" That girl was COVERED in pigeon guts and feathers, and completely losing her mind. Her friend was doubled over in laughter. Don't think she'll be tormenting pigeons ever again.
94. It’s a Trap!
I was with some friends walking around Boston. One of them pulls out some gum and I immediately shout, "Hey! Can I have a piece!?" My friend looks down and tells me that it's his last piece, so I can’t have any. He waits a second and then says that actually I can have it. I immediately reach for it, but stop myself since I would've felt bad taking his last piece.
Another friend who is kind of a jerk ran up and grabbed the piece anyway. He then yelped when he got shocked, because the gum was actually prank toy.
95. The Cherry on Top
I used to live a street or two behind a central suburban bus stop on top of a big hill, and I would take the bus every day to university. One morning, I get on the bus and the bus pulls up to the intersection. We get the green and start pulling out. All of a sudden, this primped-up snooty middle aged woman FLEW through the red light.
The bus driver had to slam on the brakes quite suddenly and then honked at the woman. Her reaction was utterly disturbing. The woman, who very clearly intentionally ran the red, FLIPS THE BUS DRIVER OFF and keeps speeding. The bus driver cursed and carried on with her day despite this jerk trying to ruin it...
But then we get to the bottom of a nearby hill and see that the authorities had pulled over the same woman into the cross street and were issuing her a ticket. The bus driver saw it and said, "Oh yeah baby!" She pulled the bus over to the sidewalk near to where the intersection was and flagged down one of the uniformed officers.
She then tells them all about what just happened. The cop says, "Well we will add that to her ticket—Would you be willing to come in as a witness in court for that?" Then the bus driver said, "HONEY, I GET PAID TO GO TO COURT FOR STUFF LIKE THIS. IT'D BE MY PLEASURE." The whole bus started clapping and going crazy. It was such a good day.
96. Coming up Short
This happened to me at work. A lady was trying to pay with like a thousand coins for a $5 scratch off. She tried to say she was only 10 cents short. Ended up being over a dollar short, then complained and said any decent person would have spotted her the money. I pretty much told her she could go down the street and try there if she'd like.
She then suddenly pulled out a twenty and bought two, because of course she did. As she walked out of the store she said, "Karma is a witch." When she gets to her car an officer pulls up behind, blocking her in completely. They proceed to search the car, and then detain her and her boyfriend. I didn't feel bad. Screw that woman.
97. Open Season
I have a farm in Africa. It's a small farm, family land for several generations. My cousins who live there are pretty much subsistence farmers; they eat what they grow. There's also a pond we fill to fish farm when it's not too dry. Anyway, I'm visiting them, helping fertilize the field before we get to planting.
All of sudden a big Land Rover pulls up. Full of tourists; I think they were English by their accents. They are lost, trying to get to a resort that's far away. We give directions. They don't like that we've told them it's a long route, even though it really was the correct route. They tell us that the Land Rover can "go through anything" and want to cut through the field.
They offer to pay us. Well, would any farmer allow such a thing? We say no. At some point, they just take off...and drive right into the muddy pond that's hard to see because it's overgrown this time of year. Land Rovers are wonderful for off-road. But several feet of mud and vines and weeds? They swirl, and turn, and back up, just getting more stuck.
Finally, they emerge on foot through the mud. We are so shocked we can't even laugh...until later. They walk up to us and sheepishly ask to hire a car. We charged them well. Also charged the towing company that came to get their car. My cousins made a tidy sum. It's now the family joke that we should be growing tourist cars instead of Maize and fish....
98. It’s Dancing Time
We had a dance unit in my seventh-grade gym class. The teachers decided that it was a good idea for everyone to do Tae-Bo. My middle school ran like Mean Girls, and many were holding grudges for events that had occurred in the previous year. Old elementary school football rivalries were present. The nerdy kids loathed the jocks.
The more popular girls were angry because of some major rumors that were going around at the time. The girls in smaller cliques secretly envied each other. It was chaos just waiting to explode as 200 of us were crowded into the gym. Before us was a massive screen playing a Billy Banks Tae-Bo DVD. In other words, it was on.
At first, the Tae-Bo exercise was relatively civil. Then kids started kneeing people and acting like it was an accident. Attitudes shifted. You could feel the heat of the victims' anger and the testosterone levels skyrocketing. Without warning, the entire gym erupted into a flurry of fists and flying feet. It was a free for all.
Girls who had been the verbal punching bag of their clique pulled hair and swiped at faces with fake nails. Kids who had been mistreated day after day were dishing out black eyes like it was nobody's business. The sudden lashes of anger aroused the bitterness of the others, and the attacking spread like wildfire.
The kids at the top of the social hierarchy and the well-known jerks were taken completely by surprise as the tables turned. Some even bolted for the doors. The gym teachers tried to stop the epic battle, but there were only six of them. Eventually, school security showed up to break up the fight. No one was formally punished that day.
99. A Crack in the Plan
On a trip backpacking around Greece once, I had a bad experience in a hotel and decided to take one of their beautifully painted stone eggs from the bowl in the reception as compensation. But when we were on the ferry to the next island, I started noticing a horrible smell coming from my bag. It turns out that it was not a stone egg at all.
It was a painted boiled egg that had broken in my bag. The whole thing had become so rotten it had turned a nice shade of green and the smell was almost intolerable. I had to borrow a lot of my friends’ clothes for the rest of the trip, but at least it taught me a good lesson. Don’t ever take strange eggs from hotels, people.
100. Defying Gravity
As a kid, I went to Hawaii with my mom and stepfather for vacation, and we signed up for surfing lessons. The car ride there, my stepfather kept saying, "Now, I just want to warn you of something. You might not be able to do this. You're a girl, so your center of gravity is higher. I'm a boy, so my center of gravity is lower."
He kept saying stuff like, “Don't be too upset when I'm standing on the board longer than you, it's just science, okay? I'll be better, but it's not your fault." Screw him, I managed to ride a few low waves all the way to shore while he couldn't even get on his feet. He wouldn't talk to me on the car ride back whenever I tried to bring up what he said earlier.
101. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Angry, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree.
More that that, it was twisted in the wrong direction! Even more angry, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket.
So he was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
102. Ain’t Gonna Happen, Bud
I'm an ICU nurse, the last two nights I've been taking care of a large strong man going through withdrawals. It involves four-point restraints. This morning I was trying to put elbow pads on him and he swung at me, but of course, the restraints prevented this. He was furious as I just stood there and slow blinked at him.
103. Eat Your Words
A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn't pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, "I want a PIE."
My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around, when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.
When I got to the front of the line I asked the person at the register how many apple pies they have left. They told me and I bought all of them. I ate one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash.
104. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew my ex wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out for a dinner date and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly two months, the guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in two days...soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.
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