Some people think they can walk all over whoever they want. The sad thing is, a lot of the time, they're right. But not always. Sometimes, a total jerk will decide to mess with the exact wrong person. That's when they finally get what they deserve—and when it happens, it is so, so satisfying.
1. Pumpkin Spice Vengeance
I have a friend whose elaborate pumpkin display at the end of his driveway would be run over every year by the neighborhood jerk. My friend decided to put a stop to it. He withdrew a bunch of money from his savings account so he would have enough to buy the largest pumpkin he could find, along with several large bags of cement. He filled that puppy up and made a really pretty display.
The idiot took the bait. He broke the axle of his car when he hit that pumpkin. Could not drive away. The cherry on top was when my friend then had his car towed.
2. Good Godiva, Man
My wife used to keep these little Godiva chocolates that she likes in her desk at work, but started noticing some of them missing and figured it must be someone from the overnight cleaning staff taking them. Fed up with losing her not-inexpensive treats, she decided to get revenge on the choco-thief in question.
My wife replaced the good chocolate with these little squares of chocolate laxatives that look just like real candies. The next morning, she saw several of the laxatives were gone. Mission accomplished. From that day forward, she was never missing another one of her good chocolates ever again. I imagine the toilet trouble was a lesson learned.
3. Kiss Off
When I was in the seventh grade, the start-up my dad was a part of was failing miserably in no small part due to a straight-up crazy CEO. While at the CEO’s house, my dad observed the CEO's toddler daughter picking up a piece of dog poop and licking it. So he picked her up and told her to give her dad a big kiss.
4. The Over-Qualified Witness
My father is a physician and occasionally serves as an expert witness in some cases involving insurance payouts for car wrecks. He had just spent some time explaining all of the different forces involved in the accident and how that could translate to years of back problems (his specialty). He was quite technical in his explanation and the opposing attorney thought that my dad was overreaching his expertise and was talking more as an engineer rather than a doctor.
So, he asked him if he was an engineer. My dad responded that yes, he was in fact an engineer, as he had a bachelor's in engineering from before he went to med school. The attorney looked like a complete idiot. It was glorious.
5. Your Cheating Heart
My ex cheated on me with a married man. She now lives with him. She is a jerk, but I got the last laugh. You see, I still have the login for her DVR. I logged in, erased all her shows, then recorded only the show Cheaters. Petty, but it makes me laugh.
6. How the Other Half Gives
I was having a bad day while working at a Subway one night, this kid comes in and orders a foot-long sub. The entire time I'm trying to take his order, he mumbles, sighs, walks away, and keeps saying, "I dunno." Just generally, he's being a huge brat. Then when it comes time to pay, he smiles at me with this annoying little grin and says he doesn't have enough cash on him.
He's close, but off by about 40 cents. So I said, “No problem little buddy, let me just ring that in as a six inch.” He beams triumphantly that his short change plot worked—but he didn’t know what was coming. Before I rang it up, I snatched the sandwich back, split it in two, and handed him half the sub with his change while tossing the other half in the trash. Problem solved.
7. Happy Wife, Happy Life
My uncle was a prominent, busy doctor. My aunt, a stay-at-home mother of two. My uncle was very rigid and authoritative, and had to have things just so: a certain breakfast at a specific time every morning, his clothes folded or hung in a particular way, a specific drink waiting for him upon his return home, and a specific dinner at a given time every night, based on a rotating menu.
This went on for decades until he eventually passed. Regardless, one night was meatloaf night, and after years of no complaints, my uncle erupts, screaming at my aunt that her meatloaf is simply garbage, how could she not be able to cook something so simple, all of this, and literally fires his full dinner plate across the room.
My aunt, his submissive, quiet, loyal servant over their then twenty or so years of marriage, simply apologizes and cleans up, promising to improve her recipe. It was only after my uncle died—they were married for 52 years—that she admitted to my mother that she’d fed him meatloaf made solely of Alpo (wet, canned dog food) for the past 30 years with nary a complaint.
8. Soda Surprise
Back in the early 90s, supermarket cashiers had to type every price in by hand. I was at a Vons in San Diego, walking toward the only open check stand with a single bottle of soda in my hand. Suddenly this hoity-toity lady with a cart stacked to the top flew out of one of the aisles like a freight train and cut me off.
"I'm in a hurry," she said, then looked away like she was annoyed that I'd been born. I looked at the cashier. He rolled his eyes and got to work. Five minutes later, she's walking out the door and it's my turn. “You're good," says the cashier. "I put your soda on her tag." Darn, that felt really good. Never forgot it.
9. Pennies From Heaven
I used to deliver pizza for Dominoes. It was my last shift and there was this house that was always rude. For example, I called to ask what the house looked like and they said, "I gave you the address" and hung up. They never tipped, etc. I got to their house and they gave me a check for 1 cent less than what the total was.
I said, "I am going to need the extra penny." They grumbled off and took their time, hoping I would give up, but I just sat there holding the pizza. They finally came back all angry and gave me the penny. So then I really enacted my revenge. They gave me the penny and I chucked it out into the street and left. They saw me do it. It was SATISFYING.
10. Technical Victory
A horrible former co-worker always claimed she worked way more hours than she actually did, and when she was at work she just browsed Facebook all day. The doctor/owner was very hands-off and just let her do whatever she wanted, despite me going to him with proof, so I decided to take revenge. She was not computer-savvy at all, so I removed Internet Explorer from her desktop and installed an identical icon that, when clicked, would instantly restart the computer.
It was so satisfying when she would forget and click it, losing anything that she was working on. She would always grumble and complain about the issues with her computer.
11. A Bird’s Eye View
I caught my flatmate telling lies about me to some mutual friends. I made plans to move out the next month. In the meantime, she went out of town for a week and left her car parked in its usual spot in the parking lot. I threw birdseed on it every morning and evening, so when she came home, the birds wouldn't leave her car alone.
12. A Game of Telephone
When me and my ex-fiancée were having a bunch of arguments after we broke up, I got tired of her constantly texting me about nonsense, so I called the phone carrier to have them cut off service—to her phone that I paid for—right in the middle of an argument.
13. Have a Nice Trip
This kid was running around a restaurant at high speed, making a loop. Around and around he went, yelling and knocking items off of people's tables. He zipped by my table one too many times…and I tripped him. He did a long sliding face-plant. Jumped back up and started crying and yelling at me. His parents grabbed him and hauled him out of there without a word.
14. Aw, Muffin!
When riding the bus home from high school one day, a little elementary school boy decided throwing chunks of muffin at me from across the bus was a great idea. I began collecting the small pieces one by one, and as I walked off the bus, I turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes, and shoved a handful of muffin right into his face.
15. Laser Sharp Revenge
Once at a laser tag birthday party, there was a 12-13-year-old little jerk following people around and shooting them over and over. Every time the vest and gun would come back on, he'd go to town and shoot you multiple times. He'd follow the same players everywhere. He kept doing it to one of my friends and me, and even did it to my friend’s little brother despite multiple warnings.
After the second time telling him to stop, I checked him to the ground…and ripped a huge fart right on his head. It was perfectly timed—but it got even better. He cried and told his parents I had been mean to him, but I just told him he was following us around and then tripped and fell. They bought it and apologized for their child. Awesome.
16. The New Kid Attempts to Prove Himself
We had a kid in class who would freak out over the smallest things. For example, if you dropped a pen while sitting next to him, he would grab your arm and force you to pick it up. For the most part, he was actually a nice guy to talk to. But one day we got a new student halfway into the year. We could tell he was the typical tormentor type and wanted to act "cool" off the bat.
Nobody really paid him much attention, and we went on with the lessons. Right after class ended, and we were about to head to the cafeteria, the new kid wanted to act tough and thought it would be funny to throw everything off the crazy kid's desk. Big mistake. He started screeching, picked up his whole desk, and threw it at the new kid's head. Both of them started crying afterward.
17. The Name Game
I used to manage a coffee shop. One time, one of my baristas asked a guy his name for the order and he just totally flipped out. He started belittling her, called her stupid, and didn’t give a name. At that point, I take over and place his drink on the hand-off counter without informing him.
I just keep putting drinks out for about 10 to 15 minutes until the jerk walks up and picks up his drink that’s now lukewarm, He goes “Is this mine?” and I just respond with “I don’t know, it doesn’t have a name on it.”
18. A Sharp Lesson
In grade school, I kept a bag of chips in the same pocket, every day, in my backpack. This kid I knew would punch that pocket any chance he could for five days in a row. One day, I replaced the chips with a bag of sewing pins. He never did it again. Sweet sweet justice.
19. Leaving His Mark
While teaching in China, I worked in a school where any kids who acted out got physically disciplined. I didn’t take part in that stuff, which worked for me—but it also meant I had to find other ways to punish them in order to get respect. One time, this kid was acting out and would just not listen to me, regardless of my normal go-to methods.
After the third time, I came up with the perfect solution. I placed the student in front of the class, and then asked each student in the class to come up and draw something on his face with a black pen. No remorse, he had it coming.
20. Mousing Around
I once had a colleague I hated because he was very condescending and really arrogant. So I put an extra Bluetooth receiver in his computer for a computer mouse, and kept the mouse in my drawer. I would just open my drawer and it would mess his stuff right up. Kept it going for like two months. He was about to destroy the world when I thought, "I better stop."
21. Falling Flat
Someone in my office would always crush lunches with his gigantic freaking lunch box. Either he ate bricks or lead, I don't know, but I always came to the office fridge and found that my lunch was in pieces. So, after three bouts of this and numerous notes from myself and other colleagues, I carefully removed his lunch box.
I emptied the contents of the lunch box. Then I ran over them with my car. Just completely flattened it all. But that's not even the best part. I then carefully packed it back into his lunch box, and put it back for him to find. I felt bad at first, but it was well worth the effort. He kept his lunch in a cooler by his cube from then on.
22. Revenge Is Sweet
There was this young teenager who cut in line in front of me at the supermarket. When he wasn't watching, I broke his chocolate bar while it was still inside the wrapper. Then things really got good. Later, I saw him bicycling by. He opened up his bar and half of it fell out onto the pavement. He got really furious and I chuckled. It was a good day.
23. Don’t Stop the Party
I lived in an apartment with a roommate. We had neighbors who would throw crazy parties pretty frequently, often during the week. One day, my roommate who had to be awake early had enough and decided to pee on a metal pizza pan and stick it in the freezer. After a crazy party, he pulled the pan out, flipped it upside down to get a frozen disc of pee, then slid that disc under their door where it would soon melt on their fully carpeted entryway.
We woke up to them shouting at the people who crashed there about who peed on the floor what was wrong with them. Wish I could say they toned down their parties, but they didn't and eventually got evicted.
24. An Unexpected Journey
When I was a kid, my younger brother and I would go for extra Mandarin lessons after school. Then we'd take the bus back. He would never press the bell for the bus to stop because he knew I'd freak out and press the bell rather than miss the stop. So, one day when he was sitting on the bus, but a row in front of me, I made sure to get off the stop before ours.
I laughed my butt off when I saw the bus miss not just our stop but disappear into the distance. Petty? Sure.
25. Walking on Sunshine
My older brother once threw me into the ceiling and let me drop to the floor. So, for the next year or so, I would always wait until he would leave the room, and then I would go into his closet and pee in his shoes. I didn't tell him for around 20 years. When I finally did, he said "You little jerk! I could never figure out why my feet always smelled so bad!"
26. Family Feud
In grade school when I was about 11 years old, a guy on the school bus relentlessly teased my 9-year-old younger brother. For months, this jerk just wouldn't stop harassing him. I finally got sick of it, confronted him, and told him to knock it off. This didn't slow him down one bit. As soon as I got out of his face, the teasing and badgering continued. So I took it to the next level.
I casually hopped back into the same seat as the jerk and then I slammed his head into the window so hard that the window cracked. He didn't say a word, but I could see him quietly try to cover up his tears. With that done, I went back to my seat. He never messed with my brother again, nor did anybody else on that bus, come to think of it.
Normally I am not a physically aggressive person, but after seeing my little brother tormented every day, I had enough. I never felt bad for hurting the kid, since he had it coming. Still, I surprised myself that I actually did slam him, but I would do it again in a heartbeat to protect my little brother. You don’t mess with my family.
27. Reporting for Duty
My first high school boyfriend was not very good with grades, so he asked me to make him a fake report card to show his parents in order to avoid getting into trouble. He also cheated on me with my best friend and dumped me. He then promised to get back together with me if I forged the report card for him as originally planned.
I agreed to this arrangement, right up until the day when we were meant to get our report cards from school. I abruptly told him that I didn't do it. He got bashed by his dad when he got home for the string of Ds and Fs.
28. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
I completed my studies in Asia. And as such there are some pretty big cultural differences. One day in class a lecturer who was known for being a little nuts walked into class in a particularly poor mood. As an example we had a student from China whose English was fairly underdeveloped, and he needed to look at the slideshow on his laptop to follow and take notes in his native language. He kicked him out of class because he had his laptop out while he was talking and when he tried to explain, the lecturer threatened to leave the class and file a report against us.
On this day he got upset with me because I mentioned to a nearby classmate that I needed a pen. He shouted at me, saying “You there! Are you having fun?! Do you think you could teach this class?! Come up here and teach! I dare you!” Little did he know I am a certified lecturer and have taught TESOL students young and old for three years. So I did. When I was done with his three page slideshow, I went and sat down in my place. He yelled a little more, then left the class.
29. Two Can Play at That Game
In a previous relationship of mine, my girlfriend cheated on me with some guy we both know. So, to get my revenge, I slept with that guy's girlfriend. We just did it to spite both of them. And it was totally worth it just for the chance to see their reactions when they found out.
30. Car Trouble
I had a friend in high school who became a jerk during our senior year. There were a bunch of little things that added up to our friendship falling apart. At the worst point of it, I pooped on his car one night. Real simple, I just crawled up on the hood of his car and took a poop on his windshield. I just knew that he'd walk outside the next day and think, "What the heck is this?"
Fun fact: we're actually great friends again now. He still has no idea it was me.
31. Cash and Carry
I occasionally deliver pizza as a part-time job. There is a customer who tends to pay with a big bag of change. I don't mean a bag full of quarters, I mean a bag full of dimes, nickels, and pennies. Since his meal typically costs about $20, the bag usually weighs several pounds. It is a total pain to count out all of the change, so typically drivers will just assume that he has the correct amount and leave.
Usually, he has just enough or maybe a few cents over. I don't think this is an innocent thing either, as he usually gives the bag of change with a big grin. It is such a pain that most of the drivers know his address by heart, and avoid going to his house if at all possible. So, I was having a bad night, and by the luck of the draw got this dude's house.
I remembered reading something involving someone paying in a checkout line with a bag of change, and I knew I could use a similar method to take my frustration out on this guy in the pettiest way possible. I pulled up to his house and left the pizza in the car. I rang the doorbell, and when he answered I saw the large bag of change in his hand that I knew would be there.
He asked where his pizza was, and I said, "New policy, sir. Gotta count it out before we can give out the pizza." So I sat down on his doorstep and started to count out all of the change. At one point, I even asked if he could turn on his porch light, because I was having a hard time seeing. He did end up sitting there while I counted out the entire bag of change, even though it took about ten minutes.
He ended up being about a dollar over, so I started picking up pennies to give him his change back, when he said that I could keep the rest as a tip. When I gave him his pizza, he sheepishly told me sorry and then shut the door. The whole situation was incredibly awkward, and to my knowledge he hasn't ordered pizza from us in a while.
32. Calling His Bluff
I worked in a laboratory for a while and we had this one coworker who was the type that had to one-up everyone and constantly brag about how fantastic he was. He particularly liked to tell us about how much he benches at the gym, but I could always tell he was exaggerating. So one day when he left early, I went over and tightened the lids on all his bottles.
Watching him have to go and ask colleagues to open his bottles for him after all those claims of having superhuman strength was hilarious.
33. Juvenile Delinquents
When I was about 8 years old, my 4-year-old sister broke a toy of mine. So, I convinced her to brush her teeth with mascara by saying that it was a special type of toothpaste. She did not enjoy it.
34. Scooby Doo Doo
My ex-girlfriend’s neighbor was always accusing her of not picking up after her dog. One day, my ex opens her front door and finds many piles of dog poo there on the step—obviously placed there by the neighbor. My ex then takes a bucket, puts all of the turds inside, fills the bucket with hot water, and walks over to the neighbor's house. When the neighbor answers the door, my ex throws the hot bucket of dog poop water right in the lady's face—and into her house. My ex was busted for assault. Worth it though.
35. By Popular Vote
High school. We were in history class, and I really had to go to the bathroom. A girl was already out and we were only allowed to leave one at a time. Fine. However, this girl often goes to the bathroom then just hangs out and is gone for like 30 minutes. So, after 20 minutes I had to really go. I asked to use the bathroom again. DENIED.
Teacher said someone was out already. I said she has been out for almost the entire class, I need to go. Someone texts the girl, she appears. Looks ticked. Yells at me in the hall. I didn't have to wait long to get a satisfying revenge. See, she was trying to become our homeroom class president. Not really a serious position, but it was leadership for her college applications, and the "debate" was that day.
Our class was about 30 kids. Two people were running: that girl and another. They said their two-minute speeches. At the point where we cast our votes, I had a little group of my friends in the class vote for a third party—a guy she hated. He was elected and she lost a line in her college resume to a guy who didn't even want the spot.
36. Don’t Lose Your Cool
My ex-boyfriend was a manager at a restaurant and would bring home tons of food in fancy coolers that belonged to the restaurant—and that he did not have permission to be taking home. After he cheated on me, I called the franchise owner and explained that I was moving and wanted to return all the coolers. He lost his job.
37. Picture Perfect
My then-high school girlfriend was a total jerk and wanted me to abandon all of my friends. She would always try to bring me down in any way she could. When I finally got fed up, I had my revenge by breaking up with her on photo day. As a result, she had to take her photos with mascara running all over her face. Two days later, I told her that I was sorry and that I wanted to get back together.
She liked having someone to walk all over, so of course, she said yes. But I wasn’t done yet. I then broke up with her again on retake day. Nailed it!
38. Drop Everything!
My friend got taken advantage of and abused by a frat boy about a decade ago at a well-known local university. Despite a ton of evidence against him, he was never busted, never expelled, and never had to face any sort of penalty for this. On top of that, he managed to blame the whole thing on my friend, claiming that she fabricated the allegations because he wouldn’t break up with his girlfriend for her. Pretty charming guy, right?
I put hot pepper extract into his eye drops for revenge.
39. Field Day Fun
In the second grade, there was a girl who got seriously angry because the teacher said she couldn't participate in Field Day. The teacher said that I couldn't either because I didn't put my name on the paper. I wanted to cry. Meanwhile, the other girl went with fury over sadness. It was an incredible sight to behold. This eight-year-old girl gave the teacher the middle finger, yelled out the F word, and called the teacher a witch.
I was shocked because I was only seven. She kept calling the teacher names, and we laughed so hard. The teacher stopped teaching and cried in front of the class. The principal was called, and she got kicked out of school. Field Day was canceled. The thing was that the teacher would always mess with the girl and the girl had enough.
40. Mr. Rugby
When I was in high school, we had this small, angry teacher that played rugby—or at least tried to—that was always belittling students to feel better about himself. One day we had physical education and our teacher couldn’t come, so the small and always moody teacher that played rugby came to replace her. The little teacher was trying to show off his rugby skills and made our class play some game where we had to tackle whoever had the ball.
We didn’t tackle hard enough so the little guy joined to tackle some students and show off his grandness. He was having fun being unstoppable and yelling at us if that was all we could do. I was quite mad, and I raged full speed at him. I was a freight train. Choo! Choo! The little teacher got tackled and smashed into the ground so hard. That was something our class laughed about all year.
41. Diaper up
We had a guy in our office take a dump in the bathroom every day after lunch, and it would stink up the whole office. The manager asked everyone who needed to vacate their bowels to please use the lobby bathroom since our office was small and we only had the one bathroom. He didn't listen. Fortunately, he was like clockwork, so five minutes before he went in, I took all the toilet paper.
That's right. I forced the man to live with a dirty butt.
42. Slaying the Cyclops
When I was a senior in high school, I had an AP English teacher that would grade people "based on how much she liked them." I had long hair and stretched earlobes, and she despised me even though I was an excellent student. She claimed that I didn’t turn in assignments on time to justify my grades, so I spoke with my guidance counsellor, and she investigated for me.
It turns out that she had sorted completed assignments into piles of "good" and "bad" and would arbitrarily grade the papers based on who she felt sucked up to her the most that day. I presented a long, detailed book report on The Odyssey, and she gave me a D. I told her "Screw you, this is the end of your career" and walked out.
She didn't realize that I had sent an identical copy to the guidance counsellor. She presented it to the school board, eventually got her fired, and the best part was she was also a drivers ed instructor and lost her job doing that as well. Apparently, I wasn't the first to speak up about her, but I was the one that put the nail in the coffin. It felt great.
43. A Little Humble Pie
Back when I was a waitress, I worked at this BBQ joint that had really narrow, awkwardly arranged tables so I always had to lean a bit over to serve the food. Anyhow, there was this table with a really obnoxious 4-year-old who kept grabbing at everything: My hands, my clothes, the tray I was serving from. He even untied my apron and my pens and cash flew everywhere. This went all through the whole meal.
Meanwhile, the parents didn't do a thing about it. In fact, the dad said it served me right for taking a job in food service. Total jerks, all of them, and I knew I wasn't getting a decent tip. So towards the end of their meal, they order dessert—peanut butter silk pie, which is ooey-gooey sticky pie heaven. I knew just what to do.
I make sure to cover it in an extra mound of whipped cream and balance it precariously on the side of my tray, counter-balanced with a couple of soda refills for the parents. Sure enough, when I got to the table, the little jerk made a grab for the tray and everything conveniently capsized all over him and his parents.
They were covered in diet coke, whipped cream, and the stickiest peanut putter pie you can imagine. I looked appropriately shocked and then said "I am SO sorry. Guess that's what happens when you have kids." Even managed to make it back to the kitchen before I cracked up, along with most of our staff. Serves them right.
44. Flying Too Close to the Sun
While teaching in Japan, one kid was just a little devil. He had no respect for me or the other students. I spoke with my office about this several times, because I felt he was a danger to the other students, but I was told it's Japanese culture to let their kids go wild during childhood because they would soon be under enormous stress once they hit junior high.
Well, this little brat was being particularly annoying one day, and actually shoves a little girl, who just falls face first to the floor and smashes her forehead against the ground. These students are only about four to five years old. When I saw what he'd done, I checked on the girl and saw she had a massive welt, at least the size of a golf ball, if not bigger, swelling up on her forehead.
I call my office to report the incident, while restraining the kid, who proceeds to dig his nails into my arm, which actually draws blood. All they say is try your best for the rest of the lesson and we can try to let the mom of the girl know what's happened. I knew I had to do something. Long story short, we end up drawing pictures at the end of class, and he decides to make a paper air plane instead.
He started to throw it around and was laughing and having a great time. This is when I ruined his day in the best way possible. I snatched it from him and crumpled the paper right there as he looked at me, then I threw it in the trash. The kid loses his mind and just cries uncontrollably for the last few minutes of class. No regrets.
45. Machine Half Empty
While working for a small machine shop, a customer kept stalling about paying for some work we did. He was supposed to pay the fee before getting his machine, but he insisted that he needed it right away and would pay the second half of the amount in a month. So, we cut his machine in half and said we'll give him the other half in a month or so.
46. A Punishment That Fits the Crime
My brother has always been one of those evil geniuses thinking ten steps ahead of everyone else. In kindergarten, he went to a fancy private school and used to get picked on a lot for wearing glasses. The one time he actually fought back in self-defense, he got sent to the principal's office and lost recess privileges for a week.
This was in January. He held onto that resentment all year long. Fast forward to the last day of school for that year. My brother consumed as many liquids as he possibly could, and then didn't use the bathroom all day. In the last hour of the day, he snuck into the principal's office and peed everywhere. We're talking on all four walls, on the floor, and even on the ceiling.
And that's how you get revenge in a totally epic way. That’s also how you get expelled from private school while you’re still in kindergarten…
47. Catching Up
My coworker often throws out her lunch in the garbage can at my desk instead of her own, because she claims she can't stand the smell of old ketchup that's been sitting out for a couple hours. I've asked her several times to stop. She just waits until I go to the bathroom, does it, and then hides my garbage can under my desk thinking I won't notice.
So now, every time she does it, I wait until she goes to the bathroom, take out the little plastic container that she had ketchup in, and put it way in the back of her bottom desk drawer. There's 6 in there now, and the oldest is over a month old. So far, she hasn't noticed the smell. Gonna keep doing it and see how long it takes her to notice.
48. Prank King Dethroned
Back when I was studying engineering, it occurred to me to try and find an app on my iPhone for those Panasonic projectors in lecture rooms. So, I got the app and it just let me connect to the one in the class without a password or anything. I have a friend who is one of those perpetual pranksters, so I knew just what to do with it.
I beam a picture of him onto the projector. The lecturer is just talking away and this goofy picture of my friend is on the screen. Lecturer does not realize yet. People in the lecture start waking up and giggling a bit. Now I use the pen function and draw a wiener on the picture, too. My friend was red in the face and trying to hide.
When the lecturer finally noticed, he totally called out my friend: "Michael, why is there a picture of you on the screen?" For a fleeting moment, I actually wrecked that dude.
49. How to Buy Love
My boyfriend's uncle and seven-year-old cousin live upstairs from us. His cousin has a tendency to be a little bratty girl. One day, I was holding her dog when she came over and yanked her from my arms. No more than 20 minutes later, I went out and bought some dog treats. Every day when I come home, I give the dog a treat. Now the dog waits by our door instead of hers.
50. Pity Puddle
When I was a kid, I had a bed wetting problem. I'm not ashamed of this now, as thousands of other kids have had the same problems. At the time, however, it was humiliating. Even worse, my younger brother started telling other kids around school how extensive the issue was. I was mortified. Even after our mother told him to knock it off, he continued.
So, I decided to level the playing field. The whole "hand in a cup of warm water" deal didn't work. So I stood over him as he slept one night and peed on him. The next morning, my mom thought we were both wetting the bed. After a few more times of "framing" my brother as a bed-wetter, he completely stopped using my embarrassing problem as entertainment.
51. Very Amusing
When I was about 13 years old, my family had saved up to take us to the Six Flags Over Georgia amusement park. It's about a two-hour drive away from our house, so we left early to get there as soon as it opened. That way, we wouldn't have to fight any crowds at the gate. As we pulled into the parking lot, we found a decent spot in an area that was already packed.
As we started to pull into the spot, a car of four 20-something-year-olds cut us off and took the spot. Ok, whatever we think. But no. To add insult to injury, the driver then got out and yelled, "What the heck are you gonna do about it, loser?" His buddies all had a good laugh and headed over to the gate. I could tell that my dad was steamed, but he kept his mouth shut.
We eventually found another spot and, as we were heading to the gate, my dad said he’d be right back and walked off. Fast forward to the end of the day. The park was closed and we were the last group of people making our way out. We hopped into the car and, lo and behold, as we were leaving the parking lot, we saw the car from earlier with four flat tires and four annoyed guys just sitting there.
My dad drives by them and, without missing a beat, rolls down the window and yells "What the heck are you gonna do about it, losers?" as we drive off into the sunset.
52. Losing Her Professionalism
One day I did something to upset my awful, seventh-grade English teacher. I am not really sure what it was, but man, she was mad. One day, she walked around handing back an assignment and when she got to me, she just looked at me, gave me an evil smile, and kept walking. Knowing I would get a zero if I didn't hand in the assignment, I raised my hand and said “excuse me, I didn’t get a paper.”
She just replied, “don’t talk to me.” I told her I needed a paper to do the assignment, but she just responded with the same words. I went off! I told her she was extremely unprofessional and disgraceful, and that I was going to the principal. I walked out and marched right down to the office. That's where I learned that I was far from the first to complain against this teacher. Surprise, surprise, she "resigned" at the end of the year. Good riddance.
53. A Classic Move
This was my best revenge. I went through an awful divorce. My ex-wife cheated on me, told lies about me, and all throughout the divorce I took the high road and was there for my kids while she disappeared off the face of the Earth. Her birthday was only a couple of weeks after the divorce was final. As the kids were young, I was a good guy and purchased several presents from the kids to her. But I got one special “gift” just from me.
Among the gifts, I bought a necklace with a big red “A” at the end. Her first name is Ann. I had the kids give that to her and she wore her scarlet letter all around town. Most people in our town knew what she had done, and some were even aware of the necklace. Yup, I made my adulterous ex-wife wear the scarlet letter.
54. Shop Till You Drop
While I was out shopping with a friend, there was this little brat running around in the store. His mom was nowhere to be found, and he was just running wild and knocking over stacks of shirts, screaming at the top of his lungs, just acting like a complete and total brat. This went on for at least 5 excruciating minutes, all during the time we're in the line to pay for our items.
Then, we see him running full speed towards us. My friend has had it with this little jerk, so she came up with an ingenious plan. The moment he hit us, she turns around with her newly purchased items and whacks the bag straight into him. The kid immediately starts screaming and crying. We hightailed it out of there, but I have no remorse whatsoever. Honestly, it felt great.
55. Anonymous Tip
A young guy was constantly speeding through my neighborhood. He would get home from work around the same time every day and would always rip it down the street to his driveway. So, I called the city and had a cop come out and do radar exactly when he would be arriving.
He got a dangerous driving charge and stopped speeding around here.
56. Horrible Bosses
I used to work shifts many years ago, including regular night shifts. My boss was an unpleasant person, to say the least. He would leave his keys on top of his locker. One night I took a small file to work and filed down one or two teeth of his front door key. The next day, he was telling everyone about how he got home and his door lock was broken and he had to get a locksmith out.
Happened again a couple of months later. Then his car key got some treatment. I stopped after that, as I heard him mention it was getting suspicious that all these locks stopped working. But that’s not the best part. Unknown to me, other colleagues also disliked him. One night his locker disappeared entirely. Rumor has it that it's part of the foundations of an office block in London now.
57. Special Delivery!
In college, I lived with several guys in a suite. One dude liked to call me "chunky A.” Yes, I was chubby, and I still am, but I have lost a lot of weight and I am continuing to lose more. Still, at the time I was self-conscious about it and I asked him politely but firmly to not call me that. He laughed and did it more. That was the final straw.
I proceeded to call up every infomercial I saw on TV to send him baldness cures (he was losing his hair), tourist information from places like Iowa and Nebraska, and information about adult bedwetting. He was not too impressed when the mail started coming in. He accused me of it, but I played innocent. And then I took it up a notch.
I kept it up for two years while he lived there in the dorms. His junior year, he moved out to an off-campus place, so I found out where he lived. I then waited a couple of months and started the process all over again. Yeah, I bombarded him with junk mail. It was probably the most savage thing I’ve ever done. I have no regrets.
58. Bowling Him Over
My two-year-old cousin was being a huge brat. He kept challenging all the adults to Wii Bowling and crushing them, which is cool, but he was just being really obnoxious about winning. The rest of the family was pretty oblivious, and actually found it cute. He's 12, so I have no problem with him being obnoxious to me, but I knew if he did that in the playground, he could potentially get his butt kicked.
He had some hearing problems when he was a baby, so he was in a special school to help him catch up, and I don't believe that school had normal recess—so he wouldn't learn about not being a jerk until it was too late. I didn't want him to enter normal high school and just think this could fly. So, I said, "Ooh, Wii Bowling? I'll play you." I scored a 264 to his 140, and I didn't say a word about it. I never taunted him, I just played and put the controller down. He wasn't so obnoxious after that.
59. Not Book Smart
I did this unintentionally, but when I saw the payoff, I had no regret whatsoever. I used to live with my two younger cousins. They were seven and four at the time. They always came into my room and messed it up, awful stuff like peeing on my shirt and tearing up my books. I couldn’t lock my room, because my aunt had an open-door policy in her home.
So I had to put my school bags and projects on the top of the shelf, which is about seven-feet high. Well, one day those brats come in, try to climb the bookshelf, and it ends up tipping and they fall off. They both had to get stitches.
60. Skate on by
I was working at a surf/skate shop when I was 18 in the late 1990s. A mom comes in, complains that her kid's skate shoes are showing wear on the toe…because the kid is actually using them. She yelled at her kid in front of us, and then demanded a full refund. I told her that the shoes are not indestructible, they just tend to last longer than most shoes.
She freaks and demands to see a manager. I turn around to walk to the back, and then turn around to face her, and say, "Yes, I am a manager. Can I help you?" The lady freaked the heck out, yelled at everyone, and stormed out. The best part was that I wasn't a manager, and my manager was watching the entire thing go down. He loved it.
61. Ice Cold
This happened about eight years ago, and I was 22 at the time. The ice cream truck guy in my neighborhood made an announcement that he had one Choco Taco left. I wasn't really wanting one, but upon hearing that announcement and being a sucker for the frozen confection, I decided to make a mad dash for the bright green truck.
The neighborhood brat obviously also heard the last call and was hustling to the truck. Haha little jerk, I'm older and faster than you. I passed him, laughing loudly as I could hear him pleading with me to let him get there first. Too darned bad. This is called Natural Selection, and I made it to the truck about half a block ahead of the kid. The ice cream truck gave me a funny look as I proudly pulled out my $2 and got my Choco Taco.
62. If the Shoe Fits
I have spent most of my life being very frugal due to living well below the poverty line since I've been on my own. Coupled with really low self worth, I struggle to ever let myself buy nice things, even when I really want or need them. After completely wearing out a pair of five-year-old flip-flops, I "splurged" and bought myself a new pair...cute, simple, foam platform ones from Target. They were $12.
I felt guilty for days, and almost even returned them. After I got over the guilt, I loved these shoes. Fast forward a few weeks, my good friend's nine-year-old daughter realized that our feet were almost the same size, and started wearing my flip-flops around. I asked her several times to take them off, first nicely, and then firmly and with more force.
My friend yelled at her several times to take them off. The girl's step-father even stepped in and yelled at her several times to leave them alone and take them off. She didn't, and proceeded to trip, ripping the strap clean off of the shoe. I just got up, looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "I can't believe you did that. Thanks a lot."
I didn't talk to her for the rest of evening. I know it sounds so dumb, but I'm still upset about it. I was even all worked up to go buy a new pair, but because stores are dumb and for some reason start phasing out summer items before summer is even half over, the store was all sold out of those flip-flops by mid-June, with no intentions of restocking them. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to look that little girl in the eyes again without thinking "Screw you, you bratty little flip-flop wrecker."
63. If the Shoe Fits
Being the youngest brother, I would only get hand-me-downs. My older brother rubbed it in my face that he got a brand new pair of PF Flyer shoes after The Sandlot came out. Every day, I would stuff the toe of the shoes with tissue paper, adding a little more each day, until he thought he outgrew them. Got slightly worn, PF Flyers, after about a month.
64. A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words
I took screenshot photos from my wife's lover’s Facebook and sent them to the administration of the school he taught at. After all, posting pics of your student’s tests and then making fun of them is not cool at all. He was fired for it at the end of the year. After his dismissal, I divorced my wife and got her removed from her position at a daycare because it was a church-based facility with morality clauses for employment.
All it took was a conversation with the pastor, and she was phased out at the first available opportunity.
65. Don’t Meet Your Heroes
I worked at a Toys R Us twice doing seasonal work around the big holidays, like Christmas and such. Anyway, you have to find ways to amuse yourself and keep from going totally insane with all the bratty kids and exasperated parents. So I did one pretty awful thing that I nonetheless have absolutely no remorse for.
I was scheduled to work the first shift on Black Friday, and they made me wear the Geoffrey the Giraffe costume. First rule is, don't talk. Dance, pose for photos, and keep your mouth shut. Basically, don't ruin it for the kids. But this particularly bratty kid kept punching me “down there” while I was posing with him for the photo. I was in the suit, but it still hurt. Wouldn't cut it out, so after the photo was taken, I got my revenge.
I knelt down, got my giraffe head at his eye level, and whispered, "Your parents told me not to say anything, but you were adopted." That little punk started wailing so loud, crying his eyes out. Best part was, the parents complained, but since I was in costume and they had just hired a bunch of new people, they had no idea who had done it.
66. Justice Is Just Around the Corner
I used to lifeguard while in high school at a community pool with a big twisty water slide. There was always a guard at the slide for safety and what not, and one of the things we had to watch for were those kid's bathing suits with the built-in lifejacket. Due to the life jacket, inevitably the kids would end up hitting their heads pretty hard against the walls of the slide around the twists. Like, every time.
So one day, a boy wearing a lifejacket suit wants to go down the slide while I'm on duty. I told him that he wasn’t allowed due to the risk of injury. Five minutes later, the boy's mom comes up to me and starts yelling about how I wouldn't let her kid on the slide. So I calmly explain our policy due to past incidents, but she's having none of it.
The whole time, the kid was standing behind his mom with this smug look, like he knew he was going to get what he wants. So after a few minutes of this, I gave up and just said, "Fine go down the slide. Prove me wrong." Sure enough, as he's about halfway down, I hear two loud bangs as he gets thrown around in the slide.
As soon as he exits the slide, he starts crying. I, of course, would have administered first aid (give him an ice pack) because it's my job, but the mom just grabbed him, still crying, and left without making eye contact with anyone. I know it was probably more of the mom's fault than the kid's, but wiping that look off his face was incredibly gratifying.
67. Keep Your Friends Close…
A girl on my softball team antagonized me and spread rumors about me to the team and coaches. We were competing for the same position. She was in my geometry class and tried to buddy up to me because I was good at geometry, and she wasn't. So for a while, I let her copy my homework, then one day I gave her all the wrong answers and turned in the right answers for myself.
68. Call on Me
When I was a kid, I attempted to call my aunt. For whatever reason, I accidentally dialed a 6 instead of a 3 and this man cursed me out for being a telemarketer. I was so stunned, I didn't even hang up initially. My petty revenge was giving the number to all my friends, and for about two weeks we called him every day at all hours.
69. Surprise Ending
My neighbor's dog poops in our yard all of the time. It wouldn't be a big deal, except he never cleans up after her. I finally had enough, so I decided to go with a classic. I put a flaming bag of his dog's poop on his porch, rang the bell, and hid in the bushes. When he answered the door, I finally got my revenge by having an affair with his wife for the last three and a half years.
70. Bro, You Can Tell Me Anything
Back in college, I was sitting in the library trying to work on an assignment. All was quiet for a while, until this one obnoxious guy came in and sat at a table near me. He proceeded to pull out his phone and have the loudest, most obnoxious conversation with one of his friends. Lots of "BRO, SERIOUSLY BRO?" and yadda yadda.
I was about to pack up my things and find somewhere else to work when the conversation turned to Netflix. The guy told his friend he should just use his account and proceeded to loudly state his email address and password for all in the room to hear. Obviously, this was too good of an opportunity for me to pass up.
So, I promptly logged into his Netflix account and navigated to the "LGBT" section and started adding the gayest movies I could find to the top of the queue. I like to think that both the guys ended up thinking the other one added the movies to the queue but were too shocked to ever say anything to each other.
71. Falling for You
I used to deliver pizza, and one time I had a delivery to a brownstone house with a small stoop. It was either Christmas or Thanksgiving week and we had snow/ice a couple of days beforehand. Well, I pull up, and there must have been some sort of family gathering at the house because there were a handful of people outside talking.
When I get out of the car, one of the people on the porch opened the door and yelled into whoever was supposed to come out and pay for the food. The woman came to the door as I was walking up the sidewalk. I was carrying a cut pie with a couple of bags filled with wings or whatever inside. I had a decent amount of food in my hands.
But as I was walking, I slipped on ice and fell onto the sidewalk while everyone was watching. The massive pizza fell facedown, box open, onto the icy sidewalk to the horror of the hungry onlookers. I remember being on the ground, in the process of getting up, picking the pizza up off the ground, and hearing this woman screaming at me.
She was so mad that I dropped her food. She didn't offer to help me up, she didn't ask if I was ok, she didn't apologize for having ice on her sidewalk, she just flipped out on me. So now I'm standing there with a mutilated pizza hearing this old woman ream me out in front of her family. I apologized as soon as I fell, but she didn't care. For at least 20-30 seconds she went in on me for dropping the pizza.
So I threw the pizza at her feet onto her porch and got into my car and left. I took her chicken wings with me so I had some sort of proof that I didn't deliver the food and I didn't get paid for it. I have a lot of stories from delivering, for some reason, this stuck with me for like ten years now.
72. You’ll Get a Kick Out of This One
Back in sixth grade, some kid at my school made a snide remark in class about my name, and the whole class laughed about it. I was extremely embarrassed. So when I saw him in the hallway carrying books the next day, I kicked the back of his knee as hard as I possibly could. He went crashing down head first onto the ground.
The sound of his teeth slamming into the hard floor still fills the spaces between my thoughts.
73. Selective Memory
My mom was a language teacher at my high school, and years after I had graduated, she called me kind of upset because a group of guys was trying to make her look dumb. The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish. They had a week or so to prepare it, then they had to perform it in front of the class.
When she called on them to do theirs, they said: "But we already did ours, we're not doing it again." She said, "You definitely didn't do it, I don't have any record of it here and I would remember it if you had." They simply refused to do it, insisting they already performed it and that it was her fault she didn't take notes or put their scores down.
She was in the middle of questioning herself when one of the good kids came and told her the truth. They hadn't really done it, and they had just been bragging about making her look stupid. They apparently even threatened the class if they said anything. Well, obviously my mom was appalled, but she came up with an amazing revenge plot.
My mom was really into yoga at the time and got a great idea while meditating. She went in the next day and said, "Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don't know how I forgot!" She then went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, all their word choice flaws, everything. All made up. She failed them all on the project, and they couldn't do a thing about it without admitting they'd made it all up.
74. Popping Off
When I was a kid, I got the Sabrina the Teenage Witch "Handbook." It was full of kiddie experiments and stuff, and it was pretty fun. My older sister had upset or annoyed me about something, so I tried out one of the "tricks" from the book. You fill a cup with water and some corn kernels, and put some tinfoil on top of the cup. It worked too well.
The kernels eventually pop and it makes noise against the tinfoil, but it takes a few days to "work." I put it right under her bed and then I completely forgot about it....until one night I woke up to my two sisters screaming like crazy. It had popped in the middle of the night and she thought there was a rat under her bed.
75. 20/20 Vision
I got reviewed at work by a manager I had never met before. I had done everything I was always told to do, and more, but he still marked me low. I know it's because they wanted to avoid giving me a raise. He told me I didn't go the extra mile. I pointed out that I always do. His response? "Well, I never see you do it.”
I said, "Well, maybe if management actually paid attention, you'd have seen me." That got him to yell at me and mark me poorly for attitude. Later on, he came up to me and asked me if I could stay late. Given that I'd previously told him I didn't have anything else to do the next day, he probably thought I'd say yes.
I looked him in the eyes and said "Sorry, but I don't see that you guys need my help."
76. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew a crazy kid in elementary school. Kid jumped across the table and tried to choke me out. I instigated it by saying he was "cuckoo for cocoa puffs" since that was the only thing that kid ever talked about and he was wearing a cocoa puffs shirt that day. Senior year of high school, turns out that kid was in my Design class.
I needed to get a C or better on the final. Over the year, I found out the kid was taking my work off my share drive and copying it. For the final, I purposely screwed up the drawing in my folder, but the kid didn't double check it. He turned it in and failed and had to go back and be a super senior. Too bad for you, my dude.
77. Pick Your Poison
I'm immune to poison ivy, so I was always uprooting it for my parents in our yard. We had about a full acre of it. One day, I happened to have left a whole pile of it in this concrete area behind our garage because I was too lazy to dispose of it properly and wanted to go fishing. I headed over to a fishing pond across this canal in my neighborhood.
I didn't always have a functioning bike, and the walk was only about a mile. On this particular day, as I was making my way over, a “big kid” who was probably about two or three years older than me happened to be passing by. He was a real jerk. He’d always do stuff like ride by me on his bike and act like he was gonna high-five me, but then just slap my face and ride off laughing.
Anyway, as he was passing by on his bike that day, he decided to pull that stunt again and I went back home feeling upset. I wanted revenge. I got my super soaker and was gonna shoot him if he messed with me again. Then I saw the poison ivy and got an evil idea. I poured it into a bucket with some water, stirred it all up good, then dumped the mixture into my super soaker.
I went back to the pond as soon as everything was ready. On the way back home, he came around and tried messing with me again. I hosed him down with my super soaker. He started freaking out and broke the super soaker, but man was it worth it! He had no idea what had hit him! From what I heard, he didn't go back to school for almost two weeks after that.
78. Cart Him, Boys
I work at a supermarket, and I once told a kid who was running around screaming that he had to go to “grocery jail.” He probably thought I was lying at the time, but nope, I certainly was not. I made him sit in a shopping cart lined with Limburger cheese next to me until his parents showed up. I think they were just happy to have him out of the way.
79. Dust in the Wind
There was this co-worker who had always been a jerk to me. I was sweeping the shop and had perfect access to a huge pile of dust, dirt, metallic scraps, rust, and various debris. I noticed that he was sitting right by a vent that a hole on my side of the room led right to. I slapped the broom across it.
It sprayed all over him and he never knew where it came from.
80. Out to Lunch
When we fell on some hard times many years ago, my wife took a pretty shady job at a local factory. The first two weeks she was there, she had her lunch stolen at least five or six times. Even open drinks. I was pretty furious. I would often grill for her or make her lunch, yet she was going hungry.
One night, I bought a big Gatorade and mixed in a box of women's laxatives, both red in color. We found out who the thief was.
81. Family Time
Back in high school, I dated a girl for six months. She then apparently decided it wasn't working out anymore and cheated on me with about six different guys before stealing my iPhone and wallet to buy illegal substances. I wanted to report her to the police like my parents had encouraged me to. However, to prevent me from doing so, her brother jumped me while I was walking home with his friends and busted open my lip pretty badly.
He threatened to hurt me if I reported him or his sister. This is south Florida, so I believed he really would do it. My dad eventually got a new job and we moved to a new city, but I was still upset about this whole situation. So, I did the next best thing to reporting them. I created two fake Facebook accounts of a random hot girl and guy, spent some time making them look legit with friends and all, and then added the brother on Facebook as the girl and my ex as the guy.
It wasn't too long before he started flirting "me" up and trying his best to impress this girl. On the other hand, having already courted my now ex, I knew exactly what to say to charm her to the point of falling in love with me. This is where it all begins to get fun. I started a text relationship between the brother and sister, with myself as the intermediate thanks to Google voice.
Both of them had fairly typical south Florida bodies, so nothing really gave anything away when I would send each of them the other’s naked photos as the “new friends’ bodies.” I also did a fair amount of Photoshopping to remove identifiers in the room that may give the truth away. This went on for about a month and a half, totaling about 200 or so private photos between the two of them.
That’s when I decided to reveal the curtain and send a group of unedited pictures to each of them. Pictures that included key identifiers, including their faces and rooms. Oh holy moly, how things went down! They were both clearly very disturbed thinking that their sibling had tricked them into dirty texting for such a long time.
I only wish I had some way to have actually seen how they reacted. Friends who still lived in that area later told me that her brother moved in with his dad that week and that the siblings no longer spoke to one another. All in all, it took about four months for me to get my revenge, but it was absolutely amazing.
82. Tacky
A mean kid repeatedly knocked a binder out my best friend's hands every single day while we walked down the halls at school. I decided that he and I needed to get revenge. Now, this was in the era before anti-bullying PSAs and whatnot, so we were really left to our own devices. We came up with a plan so devious that it would never fly nowadays.
I convinced my friend to stick thumb tacks through an entire side of his binder, turning it into an extremely dangerous spiked weapon. I also instructed him to just hold on extra tight while waiting for the jerk to come and do his thing. The jerk soon arrived and lacerated his hand pretty badly. After he slammed his hand down into it, my friend held on and yanked back.
The idiot didn't try that garbage again from that day forth.
83. Car Disservice
I took my 15-year-old nephew and his five friends to the movies at the mall. I overheard him talking about how I am his chauffeur and how I'll treat him to a Starbucks after the movie. So I parked my car in another parking lot and did not answer my phone. I just sat back and watched as my nephew looked for my car and me for about 30 minutes.
None of them had any money and by the time I answered him, they were all meek and subservient.
84. Fly by Night
My wife stayed up late binge watching Narcos the other night and woke me up by being really loud when she came to bed. I couldn't get back to sleep and I was super irritated about it. I mean, just be quiet when you come to bed. You don't have to "THIS IS SPARTA!!" kick the door open, turn on both lamps and the overhead, and then come to bed.
Anyway, I'm a commercial helicopter pilot, and I had a 6 AM flight that morning. So I decided to take a short detour and flew a few laps right over our bedroom to wake her up. When I landed, I had a text from her calling me a huge jerk. Vindication feels pretty sweet y'all. Though I’d like to say, sorry neighbors.
85. Semantics in the Court
I witnessed a pathologist win a case in court by destroying the defense's credibility. The question was over whether or not carbon monoxide poisoning could have caused certain signs of death in an individual, but the defense didn't study their chemistry very well and kept asking the pathologist whether "carbon dioxide" could have caused these signs.
After thoroughly frustrating the defense by answering his questions "incorrectly," the pathologist said very loudly, "OH I'm sorry, did you mean carbon monoxide? Because that's a completely different thing." Completely destroyed the defense's credibility in front of the jury. They were done after that. So, I guess the opposing counsel screwed himself by not picking up a book.
86. I Know You Are, But What Am I?
Every time I end up stuck in a checkout line with whiny, crying little children where the parents of said whiny little brat aren't doing a thing, I will calmly turn to the brat and repeat whatever they are crying about back at them, in the exact same tone, at full volume. "MOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYY, I WANT IT I WANT IT IWANTITIWANTITIWANTITIWANTIT!!!!!"
That coming from a fully-grown woman and directed at a squalling brat will shut the kid up so fast, you wouldn't believe it. Of course, the entire checkout line then awkwardly avoids eye contact with me for the rest of the trip, but I have a smartphone so it's all good. And, bonus: now I don’t have to listen to any crying children. I'll call that a win.
87. Self-Defense
A few years back, I was the assistant manager at my karate studio. It was a slow, quiet day when in walked Paul, my old tormenter from public school. I wasn't sure it was him at first. It had been a long time, and it was hard to tell. I didn't say anything. Paul was interested in joining the dojo, so I showed him around, discussed pricing, etc.
At the end of the tour, Paul decided to join our dojo. We sat down in the office and he filled out the paperwork. When he wrote his name out on the application, I knew for sure that this was, indeed, my old enemy. The guy who used to torment me every single weekday. Who made me kneel in dog poop. That's when I came up with an ingenious plan.
I still didn't say anything until after he had pre-paid me for an entire year's membership. As I walked him to the door, I smiled. "I'm really looking forward to training with you," I said. "Thanks, me too," Paul said. I then said: "You don't recognize me, do you?" He replied: "No, should I?" I said: "Yes. We went to school together, grades three through eight. You bullied me every day, and made my life miserable. Can't wait to see you in class."
Paul went white, and walked out without saying another word. He never walked back in. He willingly threw away a year's membership payment, almost $500, rather than have to be in the same class with me. That was one of the single greatest moments of my life. Karma is a beautiful thing, even if it happens many years down the road.
88. It’s Payback Time
My roommate in college had only child syndrome and taped a piece of paper over her clock because she didn’t want to “share it with me.” Never mind that she couldn’t see the clock herself, but she would rather no one see the clock than share the clock with my eyes. So, from then on, I would steal one sock from a set once a week.
It was slow enough that she didn’t realize it was me sabotaging her socks, but fast enough for her to be really annoyed and wondering that the heck was happening to all of her matching socks.
89. Ex-Communicated
Years ago, I had a girl cheat on me with her ex. I never told her I knew, but inevitably broke up a week or two later "mutually"... I knew full well she would return to her ex immediately. Well, she did. I was bitter, but held it together. Then a month later, by a complete stroke of luck, I ended up with the ex/new boyfriend’s phone number.
A female friend of mine wanted to help me and posed as his "side chick." She called and texted him every night for a week asking when he was going to screw her again, and saying she "can't wait to see him again when his girlfriend goes to work." I'd listen in to the calls, and every call we'd hear my ex in the background going crazy about it.
Sometimes she'd even answer the phone. My friend did a terrific job. After a week, we decided to up the ante. We drove by her house and his car was parked outside with the windows down. We put a pair of panties in the backseat. A few days later, I get a call from my ex, who had suddenly decided she wanted to return to me. Then I turned her down.
90. Diet Trouble
In 2003, my office got a new secretary and a new manager. The secretary, a thin blonde, was a vile she-devil. She wouldn't do anything the staff asked her to (i.e. find info, set up calls, get coffee for anyone who wasn't herself) and the manager wouldn't do anything about it. She was also extremely rude and terrible to all of us.
We joked that her job title was "Internet Quality Control" because she more or less just sent personal emails and played on Myspace all day. When she overheard this joke one time, she literally went running to the manager in tears. Then, one day, I got a rather large jar of candy as a gift and she just about single-handedly consumed half of it, which annoyed me pretty good.
Then, later that week, I brought in a dozen donuts and she ate half of them on her own. Upon putting the facts together, our web designer, editor, and I decided to fuel the fire in something we called "Operation: Butter-Up," where we would get our revenge by each bringing in large bags of candy to continuously fill up my jar as fast as she could empty it.
Over the course of three months, she put on twenty pounds. In a year's time, she was unrecognizable. Along with being a crank, she was an idiot and couldn't figure out how this had happened. Several times a week, we provided her sweets and snacks of every kind until her boyfriend dumped her. That milestone was about eight months into the project.
Pretty soon she had to get a whole new wardrobe. We lucked out because she was rather stupid, but we had more diabolical measures lined up if she stopped eating the candy. Those were mostly things along the lines of mixing in weight-gainer to the non-dairy creamer she was using, and tricks of that nature. That was in 2003.
91. Making Your Mark
One day, I'm biking my dog around my neighborhood. Some guy almost runs me over with his SUV while laughing and turning onto his driveway. I have to jump off my bike to avoid him. I get really angry and start punching and kicking his car like a lunatic. He gets scared and stays inside his car. I walk to the back of his vehicle, pull out my pocket knife, and put a huge gash along his back door with a huge grin on my face just to freak him out more.
I then go back to my bike with my dog waiting patiently because he's never seen me that mad, and we bike off together into the sunset.
92. Pigging Out
This one time, when I was about 15 or 16 years old, I was about to walk inside my building and had just placed the keys into the lock when, reflected in the door, I saw two girls walking by behind me. I could actually hear one of them say, as she pointed at me: "Let's talk to this guy." But then her friend said: "No, not him, he's ugly. Let's go."
I was really upset. The girl that actually wanted to talk to me was cute and everything, man. So, not only did her friend ruin a potential opportunity for me, but she also called me ugly. And that hurt! I walked upstairs, entered my apartment, and then walked over to the balcony to see if I could still spot the girls.
There they were; I could clearly see them standing right across the street, talking to each other. The friend was now being loud and obnoxious. That did it for me. I walked back into the kitchen, grabbed a slice of ham, and swoosh—I threw it at the girl. Direct hit. She had a total "What the heck?" look on her face, which made me smile.
In retrospect, that was a stupid thing to do and I wouldn't do it again, but at that moment, it felt great.
93. Fly Me to the Moon
My friend and I were fishing at a local creek one afternoon when his brother pulled up. Being the jerk that he normally was, he started throwing rocks in the creek to scare all the fish away. Then, he threw my friend's bike into the creek. We were only 13 years old at the time. My friend was crying and I felt so bad for him.
I jumped into the creek and got his bike out, then told him we would get back at his brother. About a month later, we were fishing again and it was the dead of summer. I told my friend that today was the day we would get his brother back. We caught a two-pound carp, threw it up on the side of the bank, and left it there until we were done fishing.
At the end of the night, we went back to his place. His brother's car was sitting on the street. We took the carp, sliced it open, and threw it under the driver's seat before rolling his windows up about a third of the way. The next morning, by the time we woke and left, I had forgotten all about what we had done.
Well, when I rode past the brother’s car on my way out, I noticed the window was kind of black. Then, I took a closer look and realized it was completely covered in flies. I actually got scared because I did not expect to see that. But by the time I got home, I was laughing in tears because his brother was always such a jerk to us.
Fast forward to baseball practice about three days later. My friend showed up with a black eye, but smiled at me when we made eye contact. Apparently, his brother had flipped out, ran into the house, and punched my friend in the face. His mom flipped out on his brother, and his brother was grounded for the rest of summer. His mom said that my friend would never do such a thing, so he played along and acted as if he had no idea.
Apparently, the smell never really left the car. We nicknamed his brother “Lord of the Flies.”
94. He’ll Be Watching You
I did a math test and, on the paper, you could ONLY mark your answer and had to do the calculations on another sheet. Long story short, my teacher lost my calculations paper and wouldn’t admit it. He said I didn’t hand it over, claiming that I cheated and calling me names. So, I went to the school supervisor and asked to take the test again, and she let me.
My teacher asked to look while I did the test, and he made it, immensely more difficult. Guess what!? I freaking aced it, right in front of him. He hated my guts for the rest of high school and I couldn’t care less.
95. The Dog Days of Science
When I was in eighth grade, I had a crazy science teacher who thought it was a good idea to bring her dogs to lessons in the science lab...even though two kids were allergic to dogs. The day before the last test of the year, she decided to give us an extra 16 pages of new material to learn by ourselves that would appear on the test. Needless to say, everyone lost their mind and started complaining. I wrote her an angry letter and by the end of the year she got fired.
96. A Hairy Situation
Okay, this one is pretty gross. Growing up in a house of only girls, personal space does not exist even a little bit. We used to bathe in front of each other, and even use the bathroom in front of each other. There are no boundaries, nothing was off limits. Even so, my younger sister was NOTORIOUS for shaving "down there" in the tub.
She was also notorious for not rinsing it out when she was done. Pubes. Everywhere. One day, she was taking a bath and I asked her to rinse when she was done, because I planned on taking a bath afterwards. She told me to screw off. So, I reached in my pants, snipped off a chunk of pubes, tossed them in the tub with her, and walked out.
97. Llorar a mares
I had a Spanish teacher, and in order to gain other students' sympathy, she would make fun of one of the students for the entire class. Of course, other students would sometimes laugh because the class was super boring so it was like a show. However, I HATED the whole thing. She would pick the students that didn't reply to her provocation, the low-profile type, and she would say "Oh, it's just a joke!"
One day, she chose the guy that never caused trouble for her next victim. She used him as an example to describe a homeless guy in a picture. After 10 (long) minutes, he stands up and leaves the classroom crying. And when she stops him before he leaves, he turns around the drops the mic. He says his dad passed the previous night and pushed her away.
Once the door closed behind him, she paused for a second, pretending to be crying, and mocked him saying, "My dad just passed cry cry, poor baby" Before I realized it, she had my Spanish book flying in her face, and I called her an "ugly witch." Yeah, yeah, my insult level isn't great in Spanish, but it got the job done!
98. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Furious, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more angry, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket, and was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
99. Invasion of Privacy
I took my brother-in-law's landlord to small claims court (He's on SSI and I'm his conservator). We sued her for over $4,000 after she just decided she didn't like him and changed the locks on his apartment door. She also stuffed all of his belongings into trash bags and dragged them out to the curb. This was all done the day after she cashed his rent check.
It all started because she was letting herself into his apartment with no notice and was going through his stuff while he was gone. When I found out about this, I told him to let her know that was NOT okay. He did, and that's why she kicked him out. I'm very organized, and presented the judge with a folder containing photos, receipts, short videos on DVD and the sheriff call logs, as well as a concise timeline of events.
The landlord showed up with her son and countersued for the exact same amount we were suing them for. Claiming that the apartment was trashed, there were holes in the walls and they would have to repair everything before being able to rent again. During the hearing, the judge asked for evidence of the damage to the room.
The son whipped out his cell phone and showed a video panning and walking around the room. The video showed my BIL's apartment obviously still being lived in (his stuff was all still there) and no visible damage, but there were a lot of posters and things hung on the walls. When the judge looked at the video he asked, "Where is the damage?" The son replied, "You can't see it. It's behind all of the posters."
The judge frowned and looked at the video again, and then said, "Did you take this video when he was still living there at this time?" The son replied, "Yes." This was the clincher, the judge then asked, "Did you ask his permission to enter the apartment to take this video?" Silence. We were awarded the full amount.
100. Back off My Buns
There was an elementary school next to my high school, and some of the kids who went there were really messed up. They were like eight or 10, standing outside and being rude little jerks to everyone who walked past them. We were actually shocked with their vocabulary. Anyway, one day I was walking by, alone, eating some buns.
This one kid comes up to me with a smug look on his face and yells, "GIVE ME A BUN, YOU IDIOT!" The look on my face was must have been something like shock or disbelief as I replied, "No! Screw Off!" to him before I turned my back on the kid and started walking away to get to my next class on time. Big. Mistake.
I suddenly feel a slight push and weight added to my back. The kid was hanging on my back, pulling my hair and screaming "GIVE ME A BUN!" I felt like I had been attacked by an angry leper gnome. In my panic, the only thought I had in my head was "OH MY GOD! GET THIS OFF OF ME!” In some weird move worthy of WWE, I spun around quickly while straightening my back and loosened my backpack, which caused this little jerk to fly off me.
He spun around in the air and landed face-first on the concrete. He immediately started crying like the kid he was. I proceeded to walk over to him. His teary, fear-filled eyes stared up at me as I picked up my backpack. I turned my back on him again, picked up a new bun, and enjoyed the fading sound of that brat's crying as I walked away, eating my sweet bun.
