Parenting isn't easy, but millions of people manage to pull it off every day. Still, kids are unpredictable, and there are moments when a parent's heart stops and they wonder if their mistake will land in hot water...or sometimes, even behind bars. These Redditors on both sides of the parent/kid relationship shared the stories of their most harrowing parenting moments—and each one is absolutely unforgettable.
1. Drinking Problem
I was with a group of friends and was asked if I drink. I said I don't really, and my daughter shouted out "But Mom, you drink all the time!" She was totally unaware of the difference between drinking alcohol and drinking everything else.
2. A Clean Getaway From Future Punishment
When my kid was about 10, he said the F word. My wife had warned him about cursing and told him they are going to solve this the old fashion way. He would have to bite down on a bar of soap to “wash his mouth out.” She told me at the moment she said it, he jumped up from our kitchen table, ran to the sink, and started squirting into his mouth/eating every kitchen liquid or soap he could get his hands on.
As a result, he started gagging and coughing up but kept going yelling at my wife (AKA his sweet mother) stuff like “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT!?!” “DO YOU LIKE THIS.” My wife managed to get him out of the soap and send him to his room. She doesn’t threaten the “wash your mouth out w/ soap” punishment anymore. The little monster won.
3. Never Too Early For Spend Time In The Hole
We had a turtle-shaped sandbox with a lid in the backyard. My 11-year-old brother decided to trap my 5-year-old brother inside it, fill it with water from the hose, and try to drown him. I’m pretty sure my Mom figured out the 11-year-old was a monster that day.
4. A Willfully Mistaken Identity
When my kid decided—in the grocery store parking lot—that it would be “fun” to scream “YOU’RE NOT MY MOMMY! WHERE’S MY MOMMY? YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM!” He had this evil smirk on his face as I panicked and tried to explain what could happen if someone heard that. He started yelling it louder. Trust me, he doesn’t get away with stuff.
No, I’m not going to smack him across the face or beat him. He was disciplined. He learned his lesson. I can laugh about it now. He is a mini-me and my parents often remind me that he is karma for all the garbage I put them through when I was a kid.
5. Pull The Trigger, Piglet
My sister's older daughter is a saint, but the little kid is a psychopath. My sister and brother-in-law indulge every crazy behavior of hers. One of the worst was last year when one of my sister's ureters broke and she had to get a tube from her kidney, out of her body and to a bag, while said ureter healed. She was pretty ill and was in the hospital for a bit more than a month.
Anyway, the second night she's back home, little monster PULLS the tube out of my sister's kidney, requiring her to get emergency surgery. The kid's excuse? She KNEW doing that would hurt mommy, but she (my sister) was getting SO MUCH attention from daddy since she got home...attention she (little monster kid) deserves more.
The worst part is that my sister and brother-in-law thought that was cute. The crazy part is that my older niece would have never gotten away with something like that, so I don't really get why they spoiled the younger one so much. I know she's my niece, but I just can't see past those behaviors and like her...she's six years old.
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6. A Shocking Resemblance
This one makes me cringe just thinking about it. When I was 13, I was about as hot and bothered as you'd expect a 13-year-old to be. The problem was, I was living in a very religious household at the time and my parents had an ironclad parental filter on the computer, so smut was out of the question. So, I decided to draw my own smut—and it ended in disaster.
I'm a pretty good artist when it comes to drawing things that are right in front of me to look at. So, what I'd do is, I'd take magazine pictures of women who had relatively little clothing on, and just edit out the clothing as I was drawing. Well, of course, my parents found my stack of drawings eventually. Which isn't too bad I guess, my dad even said uncomfortably that I had some talent at drawing and should pursue it. But here's the part that makes me cringe.
My mother decided that one of the drawings looked too much like her. It was purely coincidental...it was literally a picture out of an advertisement that I had copied to the best of my ability. She...asked me...VERY uncomfortably...if I fantasized about her. Ladies and gentlemen, not much in the world makes you want to crawl into a hole and die more than when your own mother thinks you've been fantasizing about her.
7. A Sticky Situation
My son was about seven years old. He discovered the wireless hot glue gun from my craft room. I was using it that afternoon and had stopped to make dinner. I didn't shut it off. Of course, I didn't get back to my craft space until much later. When I did, I quickly noticed that it wasn't there. Turns out my kid took it and hot glued shut every single electrical outlet that he could find in our house—and I do mean ALL of them!
8. That Line Was An Unwelcome Delivery
When I was play arguing with my 7-year-old kid, and she said she wished she wasn't alive like my miscarried baby. Savage and a brat.
9. Coming Out Both Ends
When I was a kid, I got an ear infection and was prescribed Augmentin. As it turns out, I was super allergic to it and it gave me awful diarrhea and tons of vomiting...none of which I could control. So on one of my many trips to the bathroom, I began to throw up and have diarrhea at the same time. I didn't know which end to point at the toilet so I stood there spinning around trying to switch. It didn't work.
The entire time this is happening, my mom is watching. I remember hearing her scream. All of the walls and floor in our bathroom was plastered with my poop and vomit. My parents ended up having to clean everything up and repaint the walls and basically redo our entire bathroom. She told me it looked like something out of the exorcism and that she wouldn't wish that on anyone.
10. A Warm Welcome
My four-year-old daughter (at the time) smacked a three-week-old newborn baby across the face immediately upon meeting her.
11. All For One And None For All
When our 13-year-old kid decided to take $200 that was hidden in my desk one week before Christmas, he then spent it all in one day on candy and yelled at us for confiscating what was left of it. He also told us it was our fault for leaving money in the house. To confirm that he is a horrible person, he told his mum that he doesn't like seeing anyone else happy, which is why he broke his one-year-old brother’s things.
12. Just A Tad Too Many
This happened the summer after my senior year of high school. After a long night of drinking, I came home and apparently felt the desire to puke. My parents live on the third floor, I live on the second and have a bathroom on my floor. For some reason, I turned the fan on when I went into the bathroom, which is kinda loud and my parents' room is pretty much right above the bathroom.
So I puked hard, mostly in the toilet at first. I get hot and really sweaty when I'm puking, so naturally, I strip down to my boxers. I then somehow manage to puke all over myself. Well, that's unacceptable to intoxicated me, so I guess I decided to take a shower to clean up. I never managed to turn the water on. The next thing I know, I'm getting woken up by my mother screaming at the top of her lungs, crying profusely.
Apparently, I passed out in the tub. The fan woke my mom up in the middle of the night, so she came to investigate, and found me nearly undressed covered in my own puke passed out in the bathtub with, as she says, my eyes rolling into the back of my head. She thought I was a goner. I would say that was a bit scary for her.
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13. Little Kid, Big Accusations
My 11-year-old son recently called 9-1-1 and said I smacked him. CPS came, it was a cluster. It was so well orchestrated; he even took a picture of himself with a red mark on his face. I didn't smack him, and it eventually got debunked although he still won't admit it. A couple of months later, he told his dad I forced him to make the ol' dirty 2-finger licking gesture, take a pic and send it to him. He lives with his dad now and isn't allowed here until I can afford a camera system. Still unclear on a motive.
14. Bon Appetit!
My kid hid over three dozen half-eaten sandwiches throughout her bedroom. We unfortunately only discovered them several months later. It was disgusting. If she had told us that she didn't like them, that would have been fine. But to hide them? Holy smokes…
15. Truly A Mouthful
My dad was fixing this big closet one day. The closet was very old and had an extremely heavy door. The problem with that closet was that the door hinges were loose. At that time, I was about eight or nine years old, and my little sister was fooling around inside the closet while my dad was trying to tighten the hinges. He told me to get her out of there, since she was just bothering him.
As I lifted her up, the closet door fell down on my pinky toe. Pure chaos ensued. It's all a blur, but I clearly remember me running down the hallway screaming my heart out while my sock got pumped with blood. After that, I passed out, waking up a while later in the backseat of my father's car, with a bunch of toilet paper around my foot. My dad didn't say a word.
When I arrived at the hospital, I got anesthetized and operated on. Fortunately, they managed to put my pinky toe back where it belonged. I'm guessing my dad felt very shameful after the incident, however, my mom told me a couple of years ago that after I lost my toe, he immediately put it inside his mouth. He had read that that was the only way to "save the toe from dying," or something like that, and drove to the hospital with the toe in his mouth. I don't think he'll forget that.
16. What’s In A Name?
I was taking my four-year-old granddaughter back home after she had spent the week with me. It was a 400-mile trip and I knew that at least one bathroom trip would be necessary. I picked an Applebee's for lunch, figuring that it would be a clean choice. I took her into a stall in the men's room, and there was no one else in there when we went in.
My little sweetie did her business and then, after not even a whimper out of her all week, while I was washing her hands, she suddenly started wailing, "I want my mother!" and crying loudly. A man came in, a state trooper in uniform, giving me a dirty look as I'm telling her that we would be home in just a little bit. She's crying that I told her that yesterday.
We exit the men's room and go to our table. She's still whimpering. The state trooper comes over and asks me for some ID, I guess just doing his job. I explain that she is my granddaughter and that I'm taking her home. He then asks my granddaughter if I am her grandfather. She shakes her head and shouts out "NO!" Then, with a big smile, says "He is my Poppy!"
Luckily, we got home with no further stops.
17. Clearing Their Good Names
My moody teenage daughter was looking for some attention at school, so she made up a whole false story about how we didn’t feed her at home, and how we often beat her. She began telling this story to all of her friends, and a teacher happened to overhear. She reported us to child services, and my wife and I then had to be investigated for child neglect and harm.
They had to speak with each of our kids and interview them independently. My wife and I are still reeling from that one!
18. Falling For It
When I was about nine years old, we lived in a terrible high-rise apartment building. I opened my bedroom window, removed the screen, stuck my head out the window, and screamed as loud as I could like I was falling. I then quickly proceeded to hide under my bed as my parents frantically came running into my room with me nowhere to be seen and thought I fell out the window.
Eventually, I started giggling and was busted. They were not impressed, to say the least.
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19. I Live On Your Tears
Years ago, my wife and I had a very heated argument. Our daughter overhears us and comes into the room just as things hit their peak. My wife rushes into the bathroom crying. I'm left sitting on the bed feeling low, listening to my wife sob on the other side of the door. Our kid looks up at me with a smile and says, "Mommy's crying" and proceeds to laugh loud enough for mom to hear. And with that, I was in trouble for something entirely new.
20. Raising The Bar
I was dating a guy back when my son was maybe seven or eight years old. I picked him up from the airport one night and brought my son along with me. While we were driving home, the three of us started playing the game "raise your hand if you've ever..." Five minutes in, my son blurts out "Raise your hand if you've ever clogged up the toilet with a big pile of poop like my mom did today!"
I still want to run away and hide just thinking about it…
21. Gone Away And Back Again
It begins far away from my parents, deep in the woods. I was 18 years old. As summer came to a close, I went on a weeklong hiking trip with my girlfriend. We went off the grid, many miles from civilization. There were no designated campsites, running water, etc. We were roughing it. Being young and randy, we wanted to shake some sheets, so I bought a sizable stash of condoms.
Of course, there were no garbage cans in the middle of the woods. When the deed was done, I had to put the used condoms into a ziplock baggie in my backpack. By the end of our week in the sweltering August sun, that baggie was full and funky. The trip went well. I returned to my parents' house exactly one day before I had to leave for my sophomore year of college.
I was a ridiculous slob. So, using my patented packing style, and hastily dumped my backpack's contents into my bedroom closet, picked through the mess, took what I needed, and left the rest. Yeah. I forgot about the baggie. But somebody else found it. No, not my parents. My dog. Basically, my parents came home one day to find used condoms spread all over the living room.
Apparently, my dog had found the baggie, but he didn't just sniff it or eat it on the spot or whatever. No, he took it downstairs and spread my week-old rubbers and spooge all over the couch and carpet in the living room...the first room you see when you enter the house. Welcome home, Mom and Dad! They didn't tell me about it for years, to spare me the embarrassment.
When my dad did finally tell me, he was laughing his butt off. But my mother was apparently...not pleased.
22. Say Nope To The Rope
This chilling conversation with my then 4-year-old daughter. “Mommy, do you love me?” I replied, “Of course, my darling! I love you forever and always, no matter what!” Then she said, “Even after I kill (little brother’s name)?” With a sweet as pie smile on her face and serious look in her eye. At the time, she had recently learned to tie knots, and I’d already had to take her jump ropes away as I’d found her with one tied around little brother’s neck, pretending that he was her horsie!
My response to her during that conversation was, “I would still love you, but my heart would also be broken because I love him too and I would be so sad every day if he wasn’t here with us.” I gently asked her things to trigger her talking about what she loved about him and what she was looking forward to being able to teach him when he got a bit older. It ended up being a more positive conversation, despite the chilling start.
23. Without Batting An Eye
My niece and nephew were playing with a foam bat. They started playing too rough, and my nephew gave my niece a black eye. Whenever anyone would ask my niece what happened, they were appalled to hear that her brother had hit her with a bat. My cousin made a point to correct her, saying, "Tell people it was a foam bat, honey."
So, my cousin runs into a family friend he hasn't seen in years. He sees my niece and, truly concerned, asks, "What happened to your eye, honey?" Her response was, "What am I supposed to say again, daddy? Oh yeah, my brother hit me with a foam bat!" The guy angrily told my cousin how he always thought he was a better person than that, despite a blabbering attempt at an explanation.
24. Curiosity Harms The Cat
When I was about eight years old, I was going through our medicine cabinet and found one of my brother's old EpiPens, the Epinephrine injector for use during a severe allergic reaction. I was curious about how it worked, and figured it was like any other pen in that you clicked the top with your thumb and the needle came out the other end. WRONG.
As it turns out, the needle comes out of the end that you click, and it ends up going right into my thumb when I click it! When my parents came upon me screaming my lungs out in the bathroom, the walls were painted with blood that I'd sprayed around while trying to frantically dislodge the pen from my thumb. Apparently, it was pretty extremely gross.
25. Duck Off
I have two sons. One is 11 and the other 7. The 7-year-old is...special. Highly intelligent and very social. But also does a lot of deep thinking. Early one Sunday morning, he came up to me, out of the blue, and said: "Dad, how do ducks work?" I was all, "How to what? What? Ducks? Huh?" in a half-asleep state. Before I could work out what he wanted to know he said: "I guess if I open one up, I'll find out?" and walked away.
Honestly, spent a good hour looking for ducks and watched him carefully when he went near the kitchen utensils. Oh yeah, there was also the time when he learned how to float in a pool after watching a documentary about shipwrecks. He could swim but never relax and float on his back. He can now, he just pretends to be a lifeless body floating away. Thanks, YouTube.
26. Hitting Where It Hurts
One morning, I was minding my own business trying to enjoy a cup of coffee. As I was taking a sip, my four-year-old walked up and, with the tiniest balled up fist, punched me right in the coffee cup—which in turn whacked into my front teeth. Nothing broke, thank goodness—but wow, I was absolutely stunned! I couldn't believe what had just happened, and all I could do was sit there and stare at him blankly in shock.
27. Trying To Play Nurse
For some context: When I was about seven, I lost my cat. He just disappeared one day. Probably coyotes. But, his favorite thing to do was to sleep in my mom's bathroom sink. Also, my neighborhood is infested with cats because someone down the street never got hers fixed. So, now for the real story: I was swinging on my porch swing, looked over into the bushes, and saw a cat.
It was laying down, eyes closed, mouth open. No wounds as far as I could see. It looked asleep. But it looked sick too. So to 'make it feel better,' I picked the cat's lifeless body up, took it inside, and placed it in the bathroom sink. Plus, I was feeling really lonely after my first cat disappeared. I thought my mom would let me keep this one.
Poor mom walked in on me petting a cat cadaver in our bathroom sink.
28. Not Every Loot Is A Hoot
I had a neighborhood kid babysitting for my little ones after school. She had some other kids over, who got into the cabinet where we keep the adult beverages. We told her divorced mom, who very indignantly told us we were lying. About a month later, her dad comes to the house with a bottle of kirschwasser (a liqeur used for cooking fondue), a couple of cheap gold necklaces from my wife, a spare key to our house and an old checkbook from a closed bank account.
He apologized profusely and I remember him saying "I never thought my kid would be the bad kid in the neighborhood..." It was painful to see.
29. Like A Rolling Stone
I have a very adventurous five-month-old. She loves movement and she's already trying to crawl. A few weeks ago, while I was pleasantly taking a nap with her, she decided to roll herself right off of the bed and onto the ground. I didn't know what had happened until I heard her scream. She wasn't hurt, but the sounds of the fall and scream struck a new level of terror into me that I didn't know existed.
30. Flowers So Pretty, They’re Smokin’
Not a parent, but an older brother of a kid sibling. He poured paint thinner all over my mom’s flowers one summer after my dad accidentally left it on the deck (we were repainting the deck). I was happier that he didn’t drink it, but it was definitely an “oh my god” moment. She probably spends 100 hours+ and a lot of money gardening every spring/summer, so it was a big deal.
31. Food For Thought
My son came home from kindergarten with his backpack full of canned food. When pressed about the issue, he confidently stated that he had told his teacher that he was hungry and that we didn't have any food at home. They had sent him home with donations for those in need! We got him to return the food the next day. It’s a funny story we love to tell now, but talk about embarrassing!!!
32. The Impromptu Prank
This happened when I was ten...I was in the bathroom preparing to take a bath. For some reason, our cat was in there with me. She was sitting on the side of the tub while I was brushing my teeth. When I finished brushing and flossing, the cat hadn't moved. When I turned on the faucet to draw the bath, the water really freaked her out.
She was pretty young and sprightly, basically full-grown but still a kitten. The sudden burst of water from the faucet caused her to leap straight into the air kicking and clawing and somehow her back paw clawed into my lower lip while she was doing this weird kitty acrobatics. I don't remember feeling any pain, but I looked into the mirror and discovered a ton of blood.
If you've ever cut your lip, you know how it bleeds...dark, thick blood, seemingly unending. At that moment, I knew exactly what I had to do. With blood pouring out of my mouth, down my chin and onto my chest, I ran out of the bathroom and into the living room where my parents were watching the evening news. Clutching my abdomen and falling to my knees, I began screaming.
"My stomach, my stomach! I don't know why this is happening!" Oh the horror. I still remember their faces. When I told them, after maybe 20 seconds of this charade, that it was just a cat scratch to the lip, they were so angry.
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33. The Right To Bear No Arms
There is a man who lives in our village with no arms. His name is Mr. M. His children attended my son’s nursery, so he had met him many times. We were in a packed doctor’s waiting room one day and Mr. M came in. My son, at full volume yelled: “Look, mommy! There's that Mr. M that I told you about. He has no arms! Look! LOOOOK!”
At this point, the whole waiting room, in true British style, have turned their heads in the opposite direction to Mr. M, and are actively trying NOT to look—while similarly avoiding eye-contact with me, and the “disrespectful small child” who draws attention to people’s disabilities. I awkwardly say, “Ah yes, that is Mr. M. We see him at school, don't we?”
My kid says: “Yeah, he came in to talk to us one day…” I wondered what was coming next. He said, “he drives a car with his feet!” I was hoping he wouldn’t say anything else but he then he said, “He is totally awesome!” I breathed a sigh of relief.
34. A Devilish Deed
I’m from a Catholic family. When I was baptized, I started crying, which the priest assured my worried grandmother was normal. After the priest was finished pouring water over my head, I started to urinate on the priest's robe. The priest was obviously extremely angry, and started yelling and saying things like, "Child of Satan! To the underworld, you shall go!"
My grandmother passed out, my mother started crying, and my uncle was laughing his head off. Obviously, I don't remember this, but there's a family video.
35. One Strike, You’re Out
I watched my kid walk out on the porch, pick up a plastic whiffle bat, look at it, look at his older brother sitting on the porch steps, look back at the bat, and then haul back and crack his brother's head like Babe Ruth popping one out of the park. I could watch his thought process in 5 seconds time. No hesitation.
36. Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
We had just moved to our new house and the neighbors walked up to say hi. My four-year-old walks out of the house completely undressed, sees the neighbors, and proceeds to pee standing up while looking straight at them. She then says "Bet you can't do that!"
37. The Cold-Hearted Prank
One day, I apparently decided to hide in the refrigerator as my mother was outside the house. She was babysitting me alone at home and left me by myself for a minute to deal with the gas people, the ones that bring natural gas for use in the stove at home. When she came back, it took her a minute to realize she couldn't find me—and then she lost it.
Apparently, she spent 30 minutes combing through our huge house and its yard, progressively approaching insanity as she failed to find me. She even climbed the mango tree in our backyard, in case I had somehow done so. She eventually cracked and called my dad, sobbing and saying that somehow I had been taken by the gas people.
As my dad took over and called for some officers from work, my mom tried to calm herself down and went to get herself a glass of water. As soon as she opened the refrigerator door, I burst out and screamed, “You found me!!!" with what she said was the biggest smile ever. She then proceeded to collapse on the floor, woke up a minute later, and then called my dad to tell him everything, as he rushed out of work to come back home.
38. Will Curiosity Kill The Cat?
My 6-year-old has always had weird interests. She asked me to show her pictures of what's in our bodies. I showed her diagrams on Google, and she said, "No, I mean inside of a REAL body. Like a dead person." I showed her some random picture of an arm surgery and she was begging for more. Also, she always asks me to stop so she can look at roadkill on the road.
When my childhood dog passed, she tried to sneak and look inside the bag while I was bawling. We're really pushing for the medical field and not the total psycho field. She has never shown any signs of aggression or desire to hurt people/animals. She is a very sweet child and doesn't even like it when we kill bugs or cut down the weeds in our yard!
She shows respect for life but is DEFINITELY interested in bodies. I'm not sure she understands what it all is or what it means yet I am a science teacher, and my wife is a nurse, so we definitely encourage her interest in science!
39. Cutting The Cheese
I took my family to a restaurant quite a few years back. The restaurant had wooden seats in their booths. My son thought that it would be a good idea to let a huge one rip just as we were being seated into the booth. Of course, the sound was extremely magnified coming off of the wooden seat. I was both impressed with how loud it was and embarrassed because I knew that most of the restaurant had to have heard it.
I slowly started looking around to see that most of the patrons in the restaurant were indeed looking directly at our table. Of course, my kid thought nothing of it and acted like it was completely normal.
40. Constant Compromising Comments
I scared the bejeesus out of my mother twice, both times when I was about three years old. The first time, we were walking through the Botanic Gardens and there was a wedding taking place. Apparently, the bride was a larger lady, and I piped up in my piercing little voice and said the worst thing imaginable, "Mummy, look at that FAT BRIDE!"
My mother grabbed me under one arm and ran away —she thinks the bride didn't hear, but she's certain some of the guests did. The second time I scared her, it was even worse. She took me to her work one day and I met one of her colleagues. He was from Ghana and had very dark skin. Apparently I said, "Mummy, look at that dirty man!"
Mum said she just wanted the floor to swallow her up, but the guy handled it with exceptional grace and just laughed and said, "Don't worry, at least I can't blush." Yeah, I'm surprised I wasn't left at an orphanage after those two episodes. I now have kids of my own who are determined to give me my comeuppance.
41. One Big Inside Joke
The first movie I saw with my ex-wife was Knocked Up. At the time, there was awkwardness, because we'd accidentally had unprotected intercourse the week before. It turned into a big joke between us, and I bought the movie for her for Christmas. Mom asked me, "What did you get Jen for Christmas?" And without hesitating or thinking, I said, "Knocked Up."
She was driving, and almost wrecked the car.
42. The Great Escape…For Kids!
Before my son could crawl, he learned how to climb the extra tall baby gate. Before he could walk, he climbed the window sill. Before he could run, he climbed the bunk bed. Before he could open an applesauce container, he learned how to unlock the front door. I’m not sure what moment made me think, “Yep. He’s a monster.” It might have been when I almost witnessed Harambe 2.
I ducked down for ten seconds to tie his sister’s shoe and when I looked up, he had one leg over the barrier ready to go say hello. He’s 2 years old by the way. Or it might have been when I resigned myself to the leash. I brought it home, prepared for the protests. Instead he declared himself a puppy dog, made his siblings play police with him for two hours while he “sniffed out the bad guys” then gleefully showed me how easy it was for him to take the friggin' thing off. I give up, guys.
43. An Honest Mistake
When pregnant with our second child, we told our first—three years old at the time—that mommy's belly was so big because there was a baby in there. At a restaurant a couple of days later, a heavy-set woman walks by our table. Daughter shouts out, "Look mom! That lady has a baby in her butt!"
44. Just Trying To Help Out
I was three years old when my brother was born. When he was just a few days old, my mom put him in his baby swing, turned it on, and left the room to answer the phone. Well, while she was gone, the swing stopped and my brother started crying. Being the concerned older sister that I was, I pulled him out of the swing and carried/drug him to my mom saying, "Mommy, the baby is crying!"
She freaked the heck out and never left him in his swing again.
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45. Sharp For Their Age
Not me but a buddy of mine. He is the most weird-minded dude I have ever met, but I have always just chalked that up to a rough upbringing (growing up eating dry cat food and raw potatoes from a neighborhood garden, negligent alcoholic mother, constantly moving from place to place). This dude always saw all the angles. He would casually identify and point out illicit acts other people were committing in broad daylight that escaped everyone else's notice.
He could see malevolent motives in the most banal activities. He sold illicit substances for years but would also work his behind off to mask his income behind a plausible veneer of legitimacy. Anyways, he and his girlfriend (another friend of mine) ended up having a set of Irish triplets who were super precocious. I was back home visiting once, and he showed me this video from his home security cameras.
It showed these three budding ne'er-do-wells (ages 2-4) coordinating an escape from their bedroom, piling up pillows and assisting one another over the baby gate. They wandered around silently, peeking around corners before making their way to the kitchen to retrieve a butter knife. They then proceeded to the hall closet where their toys were kept and used it to pry open the latch and get some toys, which they absconded with back to their room.
They played around for about an hour, before doing this all in reverse, covering up their tracks. But because his girlfriend was waking up from her nap, they didn't replace the butter knife. My buddy said after he saw the video, he checked under the eldest's bed and found four other knives.
46. Play By Play
My daughter announced to the world that I was pooping in a public restroom by loudly shouting, "Ewww, that smells!" However, she didn't stop with just the one proclamation; she went on and on and on. "Oh my gosh, that is awful. Gross, Mom!" etc. As she is saying this, the little giggles from the other stalls are slowly turning into loud laughs.
Needless to say, I avoided eye contact with everyone while washing my hands…
47. Money Down the Drain—Literally!
One time, my kids decided that it would be fun to play in the bathroom. It just so happened that I left my wallet in the pocket of a pair of pants that were on the floor. They flushed about $400 down the toilet that day.
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48. A Secret Dragged Out
When I was in high school, I was very bulimic. If someone was downstairs after I ate dinner, I wouldn't be able to go into the bathroom, so my brilliant plan was to go upstairs and puke into grocery bags. I found this to be way easier than using the bathroom, in the comfort of my room, I could throw up in peace and not be worried about getting caught.
Of course, I couldn't throw them away when my parents were home, so I kept them around my room. I had vomit bags everywhere, under the bed, in my desk drawers, in my closet...it wasn't pretty. One day, I went out with a friend and came back at around three to get my clothes for work. My stepdad was in the living room and I could hear the wet/dry vacuum.
I asked why he was cleaning, in a joking way, and my mum turned around and said, "The dog got into your room today." I was instantly mortified. I went into the living room and my stepdad refused to acknowledge me. There was old puke everywhere...on the stairs, on the floor, in my room, on the couch, oh god it was horrible.
49. The Bank Of Baby
Teaching my kid the value of money, we'd give her tuck shop/snack money in the day, and we later found out she was just giving it away not understanding the value of money at all. A few long deep conversations where I hate to admit I became a capitalist poster boy later, and she starts to understand that money has a value, how hard it can be to get, and that it's even harder to keep.
Fast forward a few weeks later, we run out of milk and I only have my card and no cash on me, plus our local shop will only now accept card purchases over £10.00. I figure I'll ask my darling angel little girl if I can borrow £1 for milk and pay it back tomorrow. No. No, you can't have my money daddy. I earned it, and you need to learn responsibility that money doesn't just fall from the sky and you can't just go around giving everything away as pretty soon you'll have nothing. I suck at parenting.
50. Speaking His Mind
When my son was four, we were once in the checkout line at the grocery store. There was a very obese man two people ahead of us and, unfortunately, my kid spotted him. He points and says very loudly "Mommy! Look how fat that man is!" My insides go cold. People around us are trying not to laugh. I say in a very firm voice "Son, that's not a nice thing to say."
To which he replies. "But he is really fat!" Then I tell him to just be quiet. It felt like the longest I've ever waited to check out.
51. The Unknown Play Date
When I was in kindergarten, I made a friend while at school. We really hit it off, and she said she had a big bag of Halloween candy at home and offered to share it with me. It was a fairly short walk to her place from school, and from her place, a short walk home. So I head over to her place, and completely forget to tell my parents where I went after school.
I completely lost track of time. We ate candy and played video games. Her family must have thought my parents knew where I was. We played board games and ate dinner, and I didn't go home until after nine. I remember getting home, walking through the front door, and being greeted by the sight of my parents, both completely in tears, on the phone with the officers.
I immediately realized what I did wrong, and I thought for sure I was going to be grounded forever. They weren't mad, though. They were just overjoyed that I was okay. A bunch of bear hugs and tear-filled expressions of parental affection later, I felt terrible. They must have thought I was a goner. I was missing for over six hours. Every single one of their friends was out looking for me. I really suck.
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52. One Person’s Furniture Is Another Person’s Toilet
At about 15 months old, my daughter was beginning her potty-training phase. She discovered that we liked it when she peed in the potty—to which she immediately decided the potty could be replaced by any container she could find. The next day, she delicately removed all the clothes from her dresser drawer, pulled out the drawer, then sat and peed in said drawer.
I never thought I'd pour pee out of a dresser drawer before. Two months later, she stacked toys on top of her high chair and climbed Mount Dangerous to get to the top of the fridge, where I was keeping a box of red velvet cake mix. She mixed it with water, ate some, decided she didn't like it, and began to rub it into the carpet...the very white carpet (rental home). She's 9 now. She's still nuts.
53. Body Positivity
I was in a pool change room when my then three-year-old daughter asked me very loudly why my chest was not the same size and shape as another woman’s, who was standing right next to us getting dressed. She actually laughed and had a pretty good attitude towards the situation. Nevertheless, I was still dying on the inside!
54. Xmas Came Early
When I was young, maybe around five or six, I was trying to find Christmas presents in closets or under beds, but instead, I found a ton of condoms and toys. At the time, I didn't know what they were, so I opened up the box of condoms, thinking they were balloons. I started to run down the stairs with what I thought was a sword and trying to inflate the condoms.
The sword turned out to be a vibrator. I then ran into the room where my parents were and started telling them how I "finally found my Christmas presents." My parents still love bringing up this story.
55. Time Moves Faster At That Age
My wife's mother passed unexpectedly. No disease or anything. My wife was, of course, devastated. The day after, I wake up to hear my wife on the couch, just bawling her eyes out. I walk out to comfort her. Our 10-year-old daughter stops me in the hall. She asked, "Why is mom crying so much?" I said, "Well, she just lost her mother." She replied: "But that was yesterday."
56. Ready For Takeoff
My kid has this habit of pulling down his pants when he gets upset. It's funny in a family context. Not so much at the airport, though…
57. Right Across The Face
I was about two or three years old at the time and living at my grandmother's house with my aunt. One day, after we hosted a family gathering, my aunt decided to take a nap on the couch. I do not remember this at all, but apparently, I decided to pick up an empty champagne bottle from the previous night and smack her in the face with it. Yeah.
The way my grandmother tells it is that she was in the kitchen making dinner when she heard my aunt start wailing and crying. So, she goes outside to see my aunt going down the stairs into the yard with blood all over her face and clothing, crying and carrying a blood-covered me in her arms, also crying. Her eyebrow, to this day, is split and her hair will not grow where she had to get stitches.
There is no recollection of this even a little bit from me. None.
58. A Bratty Revelation
I have one child. She's 22 months old and I fear my husband and I have fallen into the trap of what's easy vs. what's best. I am a teacher, so it's just she and I for the summer (during the school year, my sister-in-law watches her, along with my nephew, who is 18 months). I first realized she was a bratty kid and got her way all the time when I signed her up for a weekly 'ONE IS FUN' class through our Parks and Rec department.
It involves free play coupled with clean-up and circle time, songs, etc. She is easily the most out of control in the class and throws a F-I-T during any re-direction. This led me to take an inventory of when we just “let it go” and “choose our battles” or “let her explore” and as it turns out, it's quite often. The list includes, but is not limited to: Bibs—she hates them and throws a huge fit when we try to put them on her. The solution? No more bibs.
Phones—I stopped trying to keep my phone away from her. She throws an enormous fit if I'm on it and don't give it to her so, guess what? I either put it away or just let her have it. TV—I don't watch TV or the news during the day like I want. if the TV is on, she breaks down and I either turn if off or put on the educational shows she's grown to love.
Nothing for me—I am her entertainment committee. If I try to read a book, talk on the phone or do something on the computer, she suddenly NEEDS me—even if she's playing just fine on her own, she NEEDS me all of a sudden. Do I give in? Heck yes, I do. Her tantrums are nuts. Even as I write out this list it's clear to me what I need to do. The logical part of my brain says, "Duh, let her throw a fit, she'll figure it out and life moves on," while the parental part of me says, "She's my baby and I hate seeing her upset, is it really that big of a deal? She'll grow out of it?
59. Surprise!
I was once talking to an older gentleman at a softball game. My five-year-old son was standing by us, patiently listening. Then, with no warning whatsoever, he punched the old guy as hard as he could—right in the berries. The old guy collapsed in pain. I asked my kid later why he did that. He had no explanation, he just said he felt like it.
60. Closer Than Just Family
When I was 16, I found out that my Dad was actually just my stepdad and not my biological father. Well, a sister I never knew about contacted me and it turns out my real dad lived in a small town just a few miles away from mine. I met my sister and had her come over one day while my mom was at work. My mom came home early, and, when I introduced my sister, I introduced her as my girlfriend.
The look on my mom's face was priceless.
61. Daddy, Tear Down This Wall
My daughter broke two baby gates with her bare hands. She destroyed the thing engineered to contain her. It was one of my proudest moments of fatherhood, and one of my wife's near-heart attack moments of motherhood.
62. Table Talk
I taught my kids not to pass gas at the dinner table. Instead, my four-year-old thought it was appropriate to run over to the next table in the restaurant and let one rip.
63. Regrets Were Had
My mom got my sister and I our first set of makeup when we were 11 and 15. We ran to the bathroom to try it out and immediately decided that the best course of action was to paint bruises and wounds all over our faces, fake fight sounds and screaming, then run to our mother's office area appearing like we needed to go to the hospital. It worked. She took one look at us and turned as white as a sheet.
Then she started screaming. By then, we couldn't stay in character and collapsed in a heap of laughter. We weren't allowed to have makeup again until we were adults and could buy it for ourselves.
64. Take A Seat, Mommy
Not my kid but my cousin. I had the flu, and I had to watch my other three cousins while my mom was in the shower. We were watching YouTube, and then the little monster dropped his car seat on my head. About a year later he smashed his mom's favorite CD, because she wouldn't take him to the park.
65. One Out of Two Ain’t Bad?
I have two kids. The oldest, an 8-year-old female, is absolutely terrible. The youngest, a 6-year-old male, is amazing. I have no idea what happened. I've been a stay-at-home mom for both of them their entire lives. Last year, my daughter began acting out. It started with tantrums. It has now elevated to name-calling, hitting, and throwing.
Her test scores in school are suffering this year, and I'm not sure she'll make it out of second grade. Every day, I pick them up from school, we come home, and within minutes it starts. Something will trigger her, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. Sitting in time out doesn't work. Today, she sat in timeout for three hours straight.
This started out as a 10-minute punishment. I'm at my wits’ end. I've taken toys away, privileges away, everything I can think of. And it's getting to the point where my son is suffering because of her. If she acts up, we don't go out. So, to answer your question, I have no idea where it went wrong. I don't feel like my husband and I have raised the youngest any differently. And it wasn't always like this.
66. Some Questions Are Better Left Unanswered
My nephew is six, and at the grocery store the other day he kept counting out loud. He would yell "SIX... SEVEN... EIGHT!" Finally, I asked, "What are you doing?" He yelled "Counting how many Black people I see!" I wanted the floor to swallow me up…
67. The Secret Comes Out?
One time during my sophomore year in college, I had been feeling guilty for not seeing my family very often, even though they lived twenty minutes away. So, I decided to take them out to dinner. Since I had some extra cash, I thought I would take them out somewhere nice. We all went to Black Angus. I thought it would be cool to bring my boyfriend that I had been dating seriously for six months.
No one in my family normally does this. I found out later that my dad was scared that I was either going to tell the family I was either pregnant or getting married at that dinner.
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68. More Catty Than Prejudice (Please Read ‘Til the End)
My 4-year-old said she doesn't like black people. She was really adamant about it...she just kept repeating it and every time, my heart hurt. I have tried very hard to raise her with diversity in her world and culture all around her and openheartedness to everyone in the world. We also live in a problematic area (South Carolina, near the old plantations) and I've tried to be really mindful of these issues as I've raised her and tried really hard to be intentional about raising her to not have prejudices.
I was devastated when she said this. She kept saying it..."I just don't like black people at ALL." I turned my brain over and over trying to determine where I went wrong. I asked her to tell me why she felt like she didn't like black people. She said they were ugly, which was even more disappointing, of course. Then she pointed at a (white) man across the street and said "See? That guy should wear pink or red." That’s when I realized "black people" meant "people wearing black shirts."
69. A Different Kind Of Stranger Danger
As a little game, my oldest daughter and I used to run away from my wife when we went shopping. One time, we got particularly far away and I asked her what she wanted to do now that Mom couldn't stop us. She exclaimed loudly, near others, "We can punch a stranger!"
70. Hide And Can’t Be Found
When I was in fourth and fifth grade, my dad was in the air force and we were stationed at the NATO base in Iceland. My parents were out at some party at the officer's club and there was a girl babysitting my siblings while I stayed at a friend's house. My sister decided to play hide and seek with the sitter. Well, the sitter looked for her for over an hour and got scared that she had left the house.
She called the o-club and had my parents paged. They left the general's table in a hurry and turned the house upside down. They couldn't find her. Anywhere. The MPs were called and hours went by. They literally sealed off the entire base...No one in or out of any gate and all planes were grounded. They put all of the officers and the entire group of KC135 crew members there out looking for her everywhere.
Around one in the morning, she finally came out of the coat closet she had hidden in after she was awoken by all the commotion of the officers' radios going off. Apparently, she had fallen asleep on the floor there under some coats. My mom had looked in that closet numerous times, but she didn't pull everything out of it.
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71. If The Nanny Diaries Were A Horror Movie
I worked as an au pair for a German family for about 10 months last year. The parents had to travel a lot for work, which I knew going into it, though I was told it was not that frequent or for that long, biggest lie they told me. They have three children: a 17-year-old boy, a 15-year-old boy, and an 11-year-old girl. I basically did everything for these kids.
I made their breakfasts, their school lunches, their dinners, did all their laundry, cleaned their rooms, made their beds, helped them with homework, hung out with them, everything. Including the parents' cleaning and laundry, which I was not supposed to do. Not a big deal, I don't mind housework and I love cooking. But holy moly, the girl was the worst child I ever experienced in my life, and I had a ton of experience working with kids, especially kids from poor, rough backgrounds.
This girl was incredibly spoiled by her father, like any little girl, and her mother was not usually around. One evening we were playing Rummikub and we all beat her (myself, her brothers, and her dad). She threw a freaking fit. LITERALLY flipped the table, screaming and sobbing, and when her older brother told her to calm down, she freaking lunged at him, grabbed his leg, and bit him and tore off flesh.
SHE TORE FLESH FROM HIS CALF!!!! Then, her father started yelling at her, so she bit him on the arm until he bled. He started screaming at her, at which point she started to sob, and then he comforted her, told her it was okay, and asked if she wanted ice cream. ICE CREAM?!?!? NOPE! If she was my child, or I had authority at that moment she'd be freaking done.
Another time, I was helping my host mother put away the Christmas decorations. The daughter was in a crummy mood as usual and was sitting on the stairs to the basement. They live in a very beautiful modern home, and the stairs are made of concrete and steel. I am carrying a box of Christmas stuff, this demon child stretches out her leg, and trips me down the stairs.
Luckily, I caught myself before I fell, but if I had fallen, I could have seriously been injured. The mother refused to believe that her daughter did that to me and yelled at me for being clumsy and dropping the box. There were also just the usual temper tantrums. Anything would set her off. She'd have friends over and be mad that they got a bigger cookie and start throwing stuff all over the house, throw herself on the floor, and just scream. She was horrible. A side note: The two youngest kids drank hot chocolate out of baby bottles in the morning. Legit baby bottles.
72. Make Way For Me
My two-year-old daughter would see a kid in a store playing with something she wanted and say, "Your Mom's looking for you." Every time, the other kid would walk away from the toys and she would get to play with them. At 3, we were at a pool with older kids. She told me she wanted the pool to herself. She walked over and asked who was the tallest, because tallest was in charge. The kids jumped out of the pool to measure each other and fight. She got the pool to herself. She's 9 and sweet now, or she has me believing that anyway.
73. Exit At The Next Parenting Stop
Many years ago, I started working for a guy who was a single dad with two boys, then aged about 11 and 13. The older kid was nice, the younger kid was a problem. Shoplifting, truancy, lying, etc. My boss actually warned me to keep my wallet on my person when he was around. One day, he told me that when the boys were two and four, he and his then-wife were delivering a couple of cars to a city that was a couple of days’ drive away.
They had pulled off the highway into the scrub to sleep for the night. In the morning they found that "someone" had turned on the headlights of one car during the night and the battery was flat. He went out to the highway and eventually flagged down someone who had jumper leads and was willing to drive off into the scrub with a rough-looking stranger.
They got the car started and the guy drove off. He left the car to take a leak and the younger son reached over and turned off the key. He said that was the moment when he realized that he had a problem child. I worked for him for a couple of years and moved on. About 10 years later met him in the street and, while we were talking, asked about the boys.
He told me that they were both living in one of his houses and hadn't paid rent in months, because they were jobless addicts. He was convinced that the younger one had led the older one into that lifestyle. I had to agree with him.
74. Just So Everyone Knows...
Nothing compares to the experience of carrying my daughter back from the bathroom through a crowded hipster brunch spot while she shouted “HE FARTED!!” at every single table. In case there was any confusion, she was also pointing at my face.
75. Keep Me Out Of There
I hated school in the fourth grade. A terrible teacher and a few bratty other students made going to school miserable. So, I loved any excuse to get out of school for all or part of the day, even if it was a doctor's appointment. One day, for some reason, my doctor's appointment was canceled. I was having none of this.
I barricaded myself in my bedroom with no lock on the door, just my desk chair, and some stuffed animals as a "blockade," and screamed that I would rather do anything else than go to school. My mom was freaked out. Crying and everything. My poor dad, having to deal with two crying women/girls at once. The next day, I had an emergency session with my mom's therapist.
76. So Much For Early Detection
I have a cousin who we literally call Satan because he is the evilest creature you could ever encounter. He once said that he wants to kill someone because it would be “fun” to watch the victim struggle while taking their last breath. Let’s call him M. Once, while his mom and I were cleaning their house, M convinced his younger brother (who was 4 years old at the time) to drink a glass of Clorox bleach in one go.
The poor kid took a large gulp of the glass and immediately realized that he shouldn’t have done that. He had to undergo a gastric lavage and suffered from serious burns to his mouth and esophagus all while M was laughing his face off. The sad part is: M’s parents still think his behavior is acceptable because “he doesn’t know better” and they keep saying “he’ll grow out of it.”
77. A Cutting Wake-Up Call
I had chronic pain even as a baby, which sucked for my mum as between the hours of 6 pm and 7 pm I would cry for an hour solid. Anyway, this stopped after I turned three (returned again around 10). I was about six years old and, in my sleep, I walked downstairs and grabbed a knife from the kitchen top, because apparently, that's what a child does when sleepwalking?
I walk into my mum's room and let out a "blood-curdling scream" and proceeded to stab the bed not even a few inches from my mum's head and upon her waking, I proceeded to laugh and say, "Silly mummy.” I was a very weird child.
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78. What’s Wrong With Recycling?
When my young daughter sat and pondered for a while, then informed me that if her slightly older brother dies, she wants his skeleton, so it doesn't go to waste.
79. Long Live The King
I was the monster kid. When I was five or six, I was looking out of the window on the second story, watching the rain pour down and the streets flood up. My paternal aunt was with me at that time. I told her that when I grow up, I would push my father into an open manhole so that he'd fall. Fast forward to the present, I no longer am a monster. I helped my father put my two youngest siblings through college, and would assist him with his personal projects, like building his garage.
80. Blueberry Hill
I had a mommy group meet-up when my son was just two. He crammed himself full of banana flaxseed muffins, blueberries, and strawberries. He only pooped once a week or so in those days, and we were at my parents’ house the next day when it all hit him. I had to throw away those pants and literally hose my kid down outside. I still gag when I think about it.
81. The Schoolboy Prank
When I was in high school, this guy I was friends with had a very realistic-looking cockroach. It was huge and glassy and rubbery. It looked very real. He gave it to me for some reason, so one day while my mother was drying her hair in the bathroom, I sneakily placed the cockroach on her bare foot and took a step back.
She freaked! She probably jumped up in the air as tall as me and screamed and cursed. When she saw me laughing, she realized it wasn't real and proceeded to beat me with the dryer. She was so angry that I don't even think she intended to really hurt me, but she did. I ended up with a huge lump on my head and a major headache all day.
She hates roaches, so I guess I should have seen that coming, but gosh, she hit me hard. Don't scare your mother...
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82. Throw Them For A Curve
When my kid blithely told me that he wants to play the documentary Under the Curve for his classmates because he is trying to convince them the world is flat. He admits he knows it is not, but he is trying, actively, to CON them into thinking it IS.
83. Mommy’s Little Ambulance Chaser
We had our young cat “fixed" and she just slept and rested all day after coming back from the vet. My 11-year-old son asked very concerned, after watching the cat lying around all day, "Do you think she is sad because she can't have babies?" Awww...so sweet. My 7-year-old son asked, "So, if she doesn't recover, would we get a cash settlement?"
84. Stalling
My daughter was with me in a crowded dressing room and complimented me very loudly on my nice nipples. I could hear laughter from the other stalls.
85. Poor Lapse Of Judgement
When I was eight years old, I was flying home solo to Pennsylvania, and back then, it was okay for your parents to walk you to the gate without a boarding ticket pre-TSA. So, as my entire family is going through security I slyly, but not quietly, ask my mom, "Hey Mom, did you remember to pack the shooter?" I swear, I do not know what possessed me to say that, but said it I did.
Of course, security did not take it lightly. They took us out of line, went through all our stuff, twice, and warned me about not saying stupid stuff like that ever again. My mom said she was so completely mad at me she could have "dropped kicked" me to Pennsylvania. I'm a 44-year-old grandma now and I still haven't lived it down!
86. Why Not Feel At Home, Everywhere?
My wife and I had a suspicion that one of our kids was sneaking into our bedroom and taking stuff. With my wife's consent, and without my kids knowing, we put a camera in our bedroom. We caught my 18-year-old son walking into our bedroom on camera without a stitch of clothing on.
87. Armed And Dangerous
I once got called into my son’s kindergarten because he had been using his poop as a weapon to fling at other kids in his class.
88. A Little Too Real
When I was about six, I made up a long list of symptoms to fake sickness in order to get out of school. As it turns out, my symptoms were very consistent with malaria. My dad had a job with the U.S. embassy and we were living in Lagos, Nigeria at the time. I had no idea why they were so worried.
89. Laughter Is The Best Medicine
When my son was six months old, he had a nasty virus that he gave to me. It was night number two of no sleep and he was crying inconsolably while I tried to rock him to sleep. I was so exhausted and miserable that I started sobbing too. He stopped crying, looked at me, and laughed. My first thought was “Oh good, I’m raising a maniac.” At least he stopped crying.
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90. Heads Or Tails
My kid sat right next to my shoulder while I was laying in bed fighting a migraine. He then pooped his pants, plopped backward right onto me, and slid along my head—smearing poop into my hair and ear, and then onto my face. He's two. It is definitely up there on the list of the worst "What the heck am I supposed to do now?" moments of my life.
I opted to drag him fully dressed into the shower and scrub and shampoo the two of us for an hour while crying.
91. Guest Without An Invite
When I was four, my family lived on the beach. I liked to go out on the shore and explore, throw rocks, and whatnot. We had some neighbors I was always interested in because they always had big parties. One day, I decided I wanted to go. I walked over and joined the party, playing with kids and eating just a few hot dogs.
Nobody thought otherwise, because they assumed I was somebody's son. I came back a few hours later, last hot dog in tow, to find my parents had called the authorities and were trying to find me. They asked where I was and I just told them I was at the neighbors’ and they gave me hot dogs. I didn't get in trouble, but I didn't get to visit the neighbors much after that.
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92. Chip Dipped In Ketchup
When I was around 12, we had a big old fat dog named Chip who did nothing but sleep and eat. So, one day when my mom was grocery shopping, the dog was laying in the kitchen. I decided to squirt ketchup on him and on the floor and everything. When my mom came home into the kitchen, I pretended to cry and said, "Mom! Chip went crazy, I had to kill him!"
She legitimately started bawling and dropped the grocery bag, breaking stuff. She got on the floor, only to see Chip roll over and walk outside. She was so angry when Chip dragged ketchup everywhere.
93. Watching, Always Watching
I was in second grade or so, and I was just becoming curious about how stuff works down there. I also had a teddy bear that was as big as me too. Anyway, so I was watching TV one day, when "Starship Troopers" came on, and it was a smut scene. I had never seen that kind of thing before, so I started becoming aroused. I took my teddy bear, and I got on top of it.
I started doing what they were doing, and it felt funny at the time. When I looked behind me, my jaw dropped. My mom was watching me. She never talks about it.
94. Toys Tucked Away, Then Thrown Away
I'm 25. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's house. But when I'm not with him, I'm at my parents' house saving up to get an apartment. I have my vibrator with me for those lonely nights. I was at my boyfriend’s house and my mom decided to go on one of her famous cleaning frenzies. She went through my sock drawer, where I keep my vibrator…
While she was moving things around, she must have activated the vibrator because she heard the buzzing. My sister sent me a text message and told me my mom was so mad that I had a vibrator, and so she threw it away. They were Catholics. The next time I came home, she could barely look me in the eye.
95. Best Seat In The House
While waiting in a long line with my six-year-old son, he started to complain about his legs hurting. I explained that we have to wait our turn like everyone else and that he needed to learn some patience skills. He then loudly exclaimed, "Why does that guy get a seat?!?!”—pointing to a man in a wheelchair two places behind us. I wanted to find the biggest rock I could possibly imagine to hide under.
96. I'd Rather You Didn't
My six-year-old daughter was in the passenger seat a few days ago and looked at me and said, "Dad, when I'm seven I'm going to kill you. No wait, when I'm eight." I asked, "How are you going to do that?" She smiled and said, "I'm gonna drive over your head with this car."
97. Morphin' Time
When I was a kid, we went to a farm for Thanksgiving and they slaughtered our turkey. They cut the feet off, so I took them, put them inside my sweater, and grabbed them as if they were my hands. I was small enough that the ratio was such that it looked like I really did have scaly, reptilian hands. My mom was laying on the couch taking a nap, so I went up to her quietly and touched her cheek with one of my new hands.
When she started to stir, I screamed: "I'M CHANGING! I'M CHANGING! IT HURTS SO BAD!!!" She freaked the heck out and started screaming like crazy. She tried to back up against the back of the couch and ended up going over the edge of it. It took several members of my family to calm her down. Still, nobody took my new hands away.
98. Recreating An Absolute Thriller
When we were about five or seven years old, me and my brother discovered the similarities between ketchup and blood. Mom wasn't home yet, so we got some knives from the kitchen, all the ketchup we could find, cut some holes in our shirts for the knives, and staged a huge scene in the living room. We loved secretly watching the thrillers our parents used to see in the evenings.
We'd watch from the living room door, while they assumed us to be asleep. So, we had some experience with a plausible scenario and put a lot of thought into it, creating a huge battle scene with blood on the walls, the couches, and of course lots of ketchup on our motionless bodies in the center of the room. Mom had kind of a breakdown.
99. A Game of Inches
It was very early in the morning, and I was sleeping in my bed. My two-year-old woke up before me, and decided that she was going to wake me up as well. She climbed out of her bed, went into the kitchen, built a set of makeshift stairs to reach the kitchen cutlery, grabbed a knife, and headed to my bedroom. She climbed into my bed, and then stabbed me an inch below my eye.
I awoke to find her holding it right over my head while giggling like a supervillain.
100. A Collection From The Night
I was severely afraid of the dark as a kid. I would hide under my covers and not get out of bed while it was dark. But, I often had to urinate late at night. So, I came up with a clever plan: I decided to keep a bunch of empty Snapple bottles on hand. Sadly, I was too grossed out/lazy to get rid of them the next day. So, my mom found all these full bottles on the shelf next to my bed.
I guess urine starts to smell pretty bad when it's been sitting for a few months.
101. Non-Traditional Gender Roles
A few years ago, my two-year-old daughter and I were waiting in line at Nordstrom. She was being really quiet and really patient, so I decided to reward her by purchasing a Melissa and Doug stamp set as a gift. As soon as we got up to the checkout counter, she randomly blurted out to the girl who was scanning our things, “Did you know that my mommy has a [insert male genitalia here]?”
I was in utter shock and had no idea where that had come from or what she was talking about. I just stood there for a moment, expressionless, wondering what in the world had just happened, before I finally managed to awkwardly say, “Umm yeah, I don’t.” The lady just stared at me, forced a smile and simply replied, “Have a nice day.”
The only explanation I can think of as to why this could have happened is that we had been talking to her a lot about my pregnancy and discussing what gender the baby might be. We have spent a lot of time wondering whether the baby is going to be a boy or a girl, so my guess is that she was trying to innocently tell the cashier something about the baby in my belly, but just worded it very poorly.
On top of all that, all the talk about this baby’s gender must have raised some questions in my daughter’s head, because she also decided to announce to her daycare class that “My daddy decided that he wants to be a girl, so he is going to become a girl.” The daycare staff never mentioned anything about it until our daughter casually informed us of her announcement during dinner one night—and we just about keeled over when we heard about it.
I asked her teacher the next day if she had really said this, and the teacher, in fact, stated, “Yes, she did say that. But it seemed like a very private and sensitive topic, so obviously, we didn’t want to bring anything up about it to you.” For the record, my husband is NOT transitioning and we have no idea what my daughter was trying to actually say. Ahh, kids. You gotta love them!
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