Here's a fact of life: know-it-alls are annoying. These people think they're right about everything, even though it's really the complete opposite. Oftentimes, when you call them out on their mistakes, they will double-down and defend themselves to their last breaths—that is, until someone comes along and shuts them down for good. Here are some. of the most satisfying know-it-all shutdowns ever:
1. Bad Bike Days
I had a friend who always rode his BMX bike with his headphones in, with the volume so loud that he couldn't hear anything. There had been multiple occasions where he couldn't hear us shouting things like "car" or "don't go" and almost hurt us or himself. One time he crashed into me after I fell, and I flipped out and told him that one of these days he was going to really hurt someone or himself.
A week later he rode directly out of a friend's driveway and got blindsided by a car. He was fine, save some cuts and bruises, but his bike was destroyed and he broke her windshield. Her lawyer basically proved it was his fault and he had to pay for the whole thing. I told you, you idiot.
2. Scandinavian Skies
Some random guy tried to correct me about the geography of my own country (Norway). He was claiming that it is very much flat like all the other Nordic countries, and he refused to believe me when I told him that it’s actually the opposite and is filled with mountains. I’m pretty sure that actually living here and seeing the country with my own eyes holds just a tad more weight than simply repeating something you heard.
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3. Second Base Success
My little dog will try to stick her tongue in your mouth. I don’t know why she does it, but it is some kind of obsession with her. She’s stealthy. She’s patient. She’s not messing around. She will look positively adorable and innocent while she waits for the perfect opportunity to tongue-punch your uvula. I try to warn people, but they never take me seriously.
I took her to the vet for her new puppy check up, and warned the vet tech this dog was going try to go to first base with him. Me: “Be careful. She will try to stick her tongue in your mouth.” Vet Tech: “No, she won’t. Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.” Me: “I’m serious. She will wait until you let your guard down, and then her whole tongue is in your mouth.”
The Vet Tech sighs, and then snaps at me: “Look, this is my job and I’ve been doing this a long ppptttthhhtt SHE GOT ME!” Me: I told you.
4. Photographic Memory
My friend and I went to this event called Dapper Day at Disney last weekend, where people dress up in all kinds of vintage wear. One of Disney's photographers for the event asked my friend if she was Disney-bounding (i.e. interpreting a Disney character), and she replied that she was simply wearing a generic dress from around 1955.
The photographer began telling us about how her dress was really much more late 1940s and that, while we may have researched it, he actually lived through it; and so next time, we should look at a picture before assuming we know what era something is from. We are both professional theatrical costumers whose strengths lie in historical costuming, and her dress was taken directly from a 1955 catalog.
Furthermore, based on his approximate age, and being generous that he may have aged extremely well, this man definitely could not have been older than 5 years old in 1955.
5. The Dramatic Sick Person
My wife's mother always told her she was being overly dramatic and making it up that her periods hurt. Everybody's period hurts, stop whining, etc. After we got married, I encouraged my wife to see an actual doctor. She was IMMEDIATELY diagnosed with endometriosis. We both felt satisfied to report back to her mother that no, she was not overly dramatic. She had needed help.
6. This Guy Sounds Like a Neanderthal
I'm majoring in archaeology. I once had a guy start talking to me about dinosaurs. I corrected him and explained that it's a fairly common misconception, but paleontology and archaeology are actually two different fields and I'm studying humans, not dinosaurs. He then doubles down and insists that I need to know about dinosaurs because "What do you do if you're digging up ruins and find a dinosaur fossil? Call a paleontologist??!!”
He smugly tells me that I'll be useless in my field if I don't know about dinosaurs, and that I had better start registering for paleontology courses as soon as possible. He left shortly after that comment. I still don't know too much about dinosaurs, and I don’t think that will change any time soon.
7. Frog Shenanigans
My aunt gave me pet frogs when I was 13. I didn’t ask for them and had no clue about their care aside from the paper from the pet store which I know can be sketchy, so I did my own research, starting with how to gender them. I found out pretty quickly that one of them was female and my parents REFUSED to believe me no matter what I did because "ThE PEt StORe SAiD..."
Summertime rolled around. Frog mating season! I woke up to the two frogs piggybacking around the tank and laying eggs all through the water. The biggest "I told you so" of my childhood. I was completely enraged that they'd dismissed me completely despite having done none of their own research. They laid eggs every summer until they crossed the rainbow bridge and I considered my dad having to clean it as karma.
8. Hamlet Gone Wrong
I didn’t specialize in this per se, but when I worked at the deli counter in my local grocery store, I had a guy once come in and ask for some sliced ham. I asked him if he wanted Black Forest ham, honey baked, or mesquite ham. He looked at me with an obnoxious smirk on his face, and said “It’s not mesquite, it’s mestique!”
When he didn’t believe me that he may be wrong about this, I literally pointed at the sign and label on the actual freaking ham itself to show him that it did, indeed, say “Mesquite.” Nevertheless, he still continued to correct me. I finally gave up and just gave him his damn “mestique ham.” This was a good 15 years ago, and I’m still mad about it!
9. Salt in the Wound
I have a simple but excellent story. There was a kid in primary school who loved to prove everyone wrong. Once he tried to prove that rubbing salt in an open wound wouldn’t hurt. I advised him against it, and he dismissed me. Big. Mistake. This idiot put salt in on a scrape in his knee. He immediately screamed and was crying so hard he had to go to the nurse's office.
10. Sugar in the Morning, Sugar in the Evening
You wouldn’t believe the number of times people have tried to tell me that you can only become diabetic if you eat too much sugar. These people also tend to absolutely INSIST that they are right. I’m a type one diabetic, and I was diagnosed when I was just 14 months old. Was I drinking soda from my baby bottles and using ring pops as pacifiers back then?
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11. Ex, Lies and Rock and Roll
My ex, with whom I was still friends, started dating this girl who used to be one of my friends. I got over it fast but I did warn him about her. I knew enough of her character to be suspicious of the pairing, especially since they were going to be in a long distance relationship. He didn’t listen to me, and after a year it turned out that she was jealous, manipulative, obsessive.
Near the end of the relationship, she was even cheating on him. That was easily the most satisfying “I told you so” I’ve ever said.
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12. Music to My Ears
A guy who considered himself to be a “music maven” tried to correct me when I mentioned something about Beethoven's “9th Symphony,” better known as "Ode to Joy." He insisted that Johann Sebastian Bach had composed it when, in fact, Bach had never composed a single symphony in his entire life—not to mention that “Ode to Joy” is one of Beethoven's most famous pieces!
13. Couch Dreams
I went over to a friend's house in college and her dad was sleeping on the couch. She said, "Oh yeah, he's been sleeping there for like a year; he has a bad back." I was confused: My mom has a bad back and she saved up and bought a new mattress rather than sleep apart from my dad. I suggested that perhaps her dad had been kicked out of the bedroom. She didn't believe me. Two months later, it came out her dad was cheating on her mom. The only person who was surprised about it was my friend.
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14. Sounds Like Intelligence Skipped a Generation!
I'm an identical twin, and a big biology nerd on the side. I had someone once try to insist to me that fraternal twins are actually called "paternal" twins. The reason that she claimed to know this better than me was that she expects to give birth to twins at some point in her life, due to the fact that her husband’s father has a twin and she had heard that twinness apparently skips a generation.
I have no clue where on earth she’s getting her information from, but she may want to consider glancing through an actual science textbook instead some time...
15. Insect Issues
When I was around 9 or so, I slept on the floor. At about 2 in the morning, I awake to an ear-shattering flutter/rumble in my right ear. I run to my parents' room, they run me to the emergency room. Somehow, I know right away that it's an insect - something about the quality of the sound tells me exactly what is going on inside my ear canal.
Understandably, my parents are skeptical, and decide it's probably a particularly nasty ear infection. The doctor agrees with my folks and pulls out a scope to confirm his suspicions. He peers into my ear canal and announces that it's just as he suspected: A nasty ear infection is to blame. Then the most disgusting thing happens.
The insect that has been dormant for the past five minutes decides that the light from the scope is cause for alarm and proceeds to attempt flight. The doctor recoils in horror, drops the scope, crying "Holy God! It moved!" 20 minutes and a bottle of mineral oil later, the bug (a large, black beetle) is safely evacuated to a nearby wastebasket.
The doctor apologized profusely for his momentary lapse in professionalism and I gloated for a solid week.
16. Rock Star
I was working for a scaffolding company right after I had finished my degree, while I was still looking for a full-time job in mining engineering. One time, we came across some pyrite and one of the guys thought that it was gold. I basically explained to him that it could not have been because it was too hard, to which he replied, “What are you some kind of rock specialist?” My answer was simply a polite but firm “Yes.”
17. It’s Nuts!
I told my mum that I felt sick after accidentally eating her Crunchy Nut cereal and that I was worried I was allergic to nuts. She told me that she allergy tested me as a baby and I was not allergic to anything. I told her that allergies can change and asked for a second allergy test. She told me I was overreacting. But then a few years later, I ate Thai food with peanuts.
I vomited and had a swollen throat. My roommates were so worried that they offered to take me to ER but I declined. I told my mum about it once I had recovered. She still didn’t believe me and kept saying, “nut allergies don’t just develop!” Last year, I ate some chicken. I only had one bite before my boyfriend realized it had peanut butter in the sauce.
He forbade me from having another bite. My lips swelled up and my stomach was so badly affected that I had to stay in bed for the night. After that, my mum finally believed me. It was a long haul!
18. Foul Language
Someone in my school once tried to correct my Spanish in class. I’m Puerto Rican, but I guess my classmate was not aware of that. I just started speaking to him in full, fluent Spanish in response. He walked away.
19. Female Problems
I was eight months pregnant when I started having contractions. I went to my obstetrician and told them that something was wrong. They tested me for hours. According to them? Absolutely no problems! But I just knew that something wasn't right. I refused to leave and the doctor agreed to one last test. Boom: It showed that my baby’s heartbeat was weakening.
Ten minutes later, they wheeled me into the operating room. My daughter was born with no heartbeat and had CPR done for two and a half minutes before she was resuscitated. I looked at that doctor and said I told you something was wrong. My precious girl is eight years old now and perfectly healthy.
20. What a Sap!
I’m a professional dietician. I once had a person start telling me all about how agave nectar is soooo much healthier, and how I should replace all the sugar I eat with it. I told her that it's just a fructose and glucose mix, and that you might as well just use corn syrup. She got really mad. Like irrationally mad.
21. Cold, But Not Too Cold
I used to work at Starbucks. A total Karen of a customer came in and ordered a cold drink, but without ice. I warned them that the drink would only be as cold as the ingredients, and thus the drink would be room temperature within a few minutes. They said that was fine. I made the drink, handed it off, and guess what happened?
The customer came back to the counter five minutes later and said “My drink isn’t cold!” Yeah, I told you so!
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22. The Cow Jumped Over the Moon
My wife has a friend who studied zoology at an academic level. This friend once told me that cows can't run or jump. I grew up with them on a farm. On more than one occasion, I had to run after or away from them after they had jumped a fence. I know from experience that this zoologist is wrong. Despite what many people think, cows can actually be really fast when they want to be.
23. Tree Thoughts
In High School, my English teacher had us read a poem about a tree. She was really into finding "symbolism" in poetry and asked us to analyze the poem. I said, "It’s about a tree." She didn’t like that answer. She thought that the roots symbolized origins, and the trunk symbolized common beginning, the branches of humanity, etc.
I got a "D" on the assignment. A few months later I found a literary journal that featured an interview with the poet. They asked him about the symbolism in his poem, and he replied, "It’s about a tree." I sent her the literary journal. She changed my grade.
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24. Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place
I’m an avid climber. People tell me to wear gloves all of the time. There is a form of climbing where gloves would be somewhat acceptable, although even then they’d be a bit questionable. However, in free climbing and bouldering, which are what I do, you absolutely cannot wear gloves because your bare fingers are what allow you to grip onto smaller pieces of rock effectively.
25. Pest Vindication
When I was young and still living with my parents, there were a lot of squirrels in our neighborhood. One morning, I was pulling weeds in the front yard when I heard the sounds of squirrels moving around in our porch ceiling, just under our attic. I told my dad immediately. My dad told me that I was just hearing squirrels on the top of the roof and there was nothing to worry about.
This happened a few more times over the summer but each time my parents said the squirrels couldn’t possibly in the attic. Cut to several months later, during a peaceful Sunday morning breakfast, when what can only be described as a ball of loud, angry squirrels THUMPED down in between the walls of our kitchen.
We listened to them trying to climb back up and squabbling with each other for hours until a pest control guy came. The pest control guy got all of the squirrels out, confirming that they had entered through a hole on the roof and set up a nest in the attic, which fell into the cavity between the walls. All the squirrels were safely removed and relocated outside. I’ve never felt so vindicated in my life.
26. You Had Me At Pizza
I'm a food scientist, so this happens to me basically all the time. I had one person insisting that she doesn’t eat any MSG because it gives her terrible migraines. She was eating pizza while telling me about this. There is so much misinformation out there about food, that things like this are basically a constant experience for me.
27. Egg Salad Blues
"You really shouldn't eat egg salad from the gas station," I told my husband. "But I like egg salad. You can't mess up egg salad," he said confidently. I shrugged. "Okay, but somewhere between six and twelve hours later you're going to regret it." He snorted, shook his head, and went to buy the egg salad. Six hours later, he regretted it.
28. Soiled
My professor told my class that he was once shopping at a chain store, looking for some fertilizer. A younger employee asked if he needed any help finding something, so he told him what he was looking for and in what amounts. The employee then went on to thoroughly teach him about how those numbers are really percentages of how much elemental nitrogen, phosphorus, and potassium are in the mix—and the rest of the percentage missing is just filler stuff.
My professor has a PhD in soil science. The employee’s explanation was not correct, but he decided to just let it slide since he was so enthusiastic about it. He didn’t want to burst the poor guy’s bubble.
29. Next Door Scandal
We had a new family move in next door several years ago and caught "domestic abuse” vibes immediately. She wouldn't look at anyone, smile, looked like a zombie. The husband tried interacting with other neighbors and seemed to be doing a good job pretending he wasn't an abusive person. One day, I ran into one of the neighbors and we started talking about the newbies on the block. My neighbor didn't seem too concerned, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that guy was bad news.
Fast forward three months: My wife and I were woken up by some loud banging and screaming. As she called the authorities, I grabbed my firearm to go see what was going on. Next thing I see is the neighbor's wife running out of their front door, naked and bloody, pleading for help. I ended up holding the man at gunpoint until the authorities arrived 10 minutes later.
Turns out he had beaten her so bad he had broken several bones in her face, two fingers, and she had deep bruising on her throat from trying to choke her. The next morning, I said "I told you so" to anyone who would listen.
30. They’ve Got Their Heads in the Clouds
I’m an app developer. Every once in a while, tech support will escalate an issue to me, and I'll have to listen to a customer try to explain to me how my own program works. I don't care how many times you whiningly tell me that "It won't sync to the cloud!" An application that doesn't even connect to the internet has never done that, and never will.
31. Bad Car Advice
My mom and I were driving out of state someplace when her 79' Bronco started to hesitate and almost stall. I told her it the fuel filter was probably blocked, but as far as she was concerned, I was a just teen who didn't know anything, so she pulled into some hick-garage. They guy gave her some story about it probably being a "congested catalytic converter."
He cleaned it out while we had to wait an hour or so, charged her $100+ bucks (this was in the 80's, so that was a lot of money), and sent us on our way. About an hour down the road....the same thing happened. She pulled into another place. This time I spoke up about the fuel filter. The mechanic agreed, popped off the air-cleaner, took off the fuel-filter, and tried to blow into it.
Clogged. He grabbed a new one, put it on in like two minutes, charged us something like $20, and we had no problems after that. Vindicated!
32. When the Army Comes Rolling Along
I work in the field of Lightning Protection here in the good ol’ United States. I do all the estimating and all the designs for the largest company in the Southeast. I’ve been doing this for about 7 years already. I am fully certified through our industry's largest certification company. Despite all of that, the amount of engineers and architects who love to argue with me about the industry code is astounding.
I live that code. Being that I estimate and design systems, my main job is to know that code like the back of my hand. That code is practically a part of me. I have experienced many cases like this, but the worst was the Army Corps of Engineers. We had a project that their designer had designed which was in the bid package drawings.
It was a pretty standard situation, we were just going to pick out the materials requested and ignore the incorrect aspects of the design. That is how we bid it, won it, and designed it. This would have provided them with a fully certified system. In our business, a U.L. Master Label certification is as close to a requirement for every job as anything can be.
Two weeks after we submitted our design, it came back with a revise and resubmit stamp, along with a very snarky demand from the Corps that we change our design to the exact one provided in the bid package. I went back and forth on emails and calls with their engineers, trying to explain to them that their system would not work, was potentially a dangerous hazard, and ultimately could not be certified or warrantied.
They came back basically with a “We don't care what you say, we know better, just do it and keep your mouth shut.” So I did. I designed it exactly like they had asked and put a disclaimer on the drawing, saying that there would likely be issues and that we were not responsible. A few months then go by, my design is installed, and the Corps are now ready to get their certification.
They call the inspector in to check the design out. He immediately fails it before they even put it on the roof. The Army got pissed and tried to blame it all on us. I politely forwarded the countless email chains to the officer in charge. They had to scramble to get it up to code in time for when they needed it. As a consequence, it resulted in us issuing a change order to bring it up to code for them. It cost around 75% more than the original cost of the project.
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33. Rush-Order Divorce
I told my brother once that he should probably date his girlfriend longer than a year before proposing. Two months after the wedding she said she wasn't ready to be married and divorced him. It took him a long time to be ready for me to say “I told you so,” but it was worth it.
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34. Quality Assured
I was being discharged from a week-long hospital stay and, even though I was ready to go home, I was still having some bouts of nausea. I had been getting Zofran while inpatient and asked the nurse if the discharging provider could send in a script for a few doses. In a sweet, sickly voice, she said: "Oh honey, Zofran only comes in IV form."
I replied with, "Oh honey, I'm a pharmacist, and can assure you that it also comes in tablets, liquid, and oral-disintegrating tabs." She fumbled a bit, then mumbled something about checking with the doctor and quickly exited the room. I may not have perfectly mimicked her condescending tone, but I sure as hell tried.
35. Heart Problems
I was 33 years old and otherwise perfectly healthy. But I could not walk across the living room without feeling sick, like I was going to pass out and/or throw up. I went to the E.R. They said I was fine. Then one day I vomited and passed out. I went to the E.R. again. They said I was fine. I was silly, and trusted them.
One morning I passed out in the bathroom and hit my face on the bathtub, where my wife found me unconscious and bleeding. We went to the E.R. They continued to say I was fine. It seriously got to the point where I was convinced it was psychosomatic. But this time my wife wouldn’t let us leave. She clearly told the doc we weren't going home.
They needed to transfer me to another hospital, three hours away, where they have a specialized heart center. I needed to be checked out, and she was not going to take “he’s fine” for an answer. We got to the new hospital. They ran a test to see the pressure of my heart, like, how effectively it's pumping blood. Turns out it sucks... really bad. Worryingly bad!!
I had a congenial heart defect. I was immediately put on a transplant list. A month later got a new heart. That’s how bad it was! I knew I was sick! And yet those E.R. doctors almost had me convinced I was exaggerating my symptoms. I told them so. We told them so. I’m so glad we fought them. It’s been almost two years post-transplant with zero problems.
36. Mechanical Errors
I'm a Harley Davidson mechanic and, I swear, almost all Harley riders seem to feel some kind of intense need to pretend that they know everything there is to know about their bike at all times, even when they clearly don’t! Believe me, it can get really annoying. I don’t even argue with them anymore, I just tell ‘em what's up. If they want to debate me about it, I just say "ok" and walk away.
37. Fire Warning
I warned my girlfriend that when drilling in concrete, the drillbit can get fairly warm. We were mounting a shelf and I had just finished a 6mm hole with the impact drill. She responded with "But, like, how warm?" while reaching for drillbit and immediately got a fairly severe burn. The only thing I got out before she went for the cold water was a "I just said..."
Oh, but it got worse. When she came back, she reached for the drill and asked: "It's cold now right?" and then immediately burned herself again on the bit.
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38. Will the Real Designer Please Stand Up?
I wrote software for a large, interactive art piece. It was presented in such a way that it required the viewer to discover how it was used on their own, but it wasn't difficult and most people picked up on the main operation of it very, very quickly (as was intended to be the case). There were three stations that all interacted with each other, but were separated by some distance.
One day during the exhibit, I see some random guy very flamboyantly operating the device (it created music, lights, and fire), and voluntarily explaining how it works to a small crowd gathered around him. I'm intrigued, so I walk over to hear him. According to what he was telling people, he had "figured" it all out and was therefore now basking in the adulation of those around him.
The only problem was...he was totally wrong. Like, way off! So, after listening for a little bit, I gently and politely pointed out how it differed from what he was saying about it. He then looks around at "his" crowd, and tells me that I'm way off and I clearly don't get it; that I just don't understand. This was especially perplexing not only because I had been involved in the design, but also because simple operation and observation contradicted what he was claiming.
Anyway, I again, politely, explained a bit more to further illustrate where he was going wrong. He told me that I just didn't know what I was talking about. I hesitated for a moment, and considered just thanking him and walking away. Then, I thought better of it. I looked straight at him in front of the entire crowd and told him that I had written the software for what he was doing, and had been writing and running it on my laptop at home every night for the last six months.
The crowd’s whole attitude instantly changed. People came up to congratulate and thank me, and they no longer seemed to care about this other guy’s claims. I eventually just wandered off. It was weird how invested that guy was in being right and the center of attention over something that had nothing to do with him, to begin with. At least he was polite at the end.
39. Anger Management
When I was in 3rd grade I begged my mom to switch teachers. My teacher was such a mean and negative person. She thought I was overreacting because I hadn’t had a male teacher before. He got fired the next year for grabbing a girl and slamming her on a desk in anger. My mom actually apologized for not believing me.
40. Stand and De-Liver
I’m a nurse, and I particularly enjoy it when people try to inform me about medications and the amounts they feel they should be taking. Patient: “But I usually take paracetamol every hour!” Me: “And that’s why you’re here with liver problems, Karen!”
41. Olympic Coke
My mom is obsessed with soda. One day she came home with some old unopened coke bottles from the 1998 Olympics she got from a yard sale. I was like cool, decorations! No, she intended to drink them. I told her, multiple times, that drinking 20-year-old pop was a horrible idea. But my mom was convinced that coke can’t go bad. All that sugar! All those chemicals! There's no way it could be rotten. Oh, how wrong she was...
I came home the next day and saw that there was one bottle missing. I asked my mom where it went. She just looked at me and muttered that I was right about not drinking it. I told you so was said many times that day.
42. Are You Ready to Rumble?
I run a company that produces fighting equipment, think foam swords and sports armor. Part of my job is safety checking all of the weapons—making sure there's no exposed core, making sure it's all up to spec, etc. I am also female. I was invited to go to fencing one time in my area, something that I’m fairly skilled in, as you can imagine.
One player there recognized me and asked me to check his weapon to see if it would pass at my game. Another dude interrupted us to show me the “right way” to check a weapon. He then proceeded to explain basic construction methods to me. Eventually, he was stopped by the opening announcements for that game —and he missed every single hint that I didn't actually need his advice. Watching him blush a few minutes later when I was introduced with full title to go up on stage was glorious.
43. Soft Girls Don’t Play Softball
I got hit in the face with a softball when I was 8. I told my mother that it really hurt and that I thought it was broken. But since I wasn't crying enough, she thought that it must be OK and ice would be sufficient. Eight entire years later, I was at the doctor's office with my mother when he asked when I had broken my nose. My mother was horrified.
44. The Beer Necessities
In the Netherlands, we have different sized glasses for our Pilsner. They all have different names—the smallest (0.18L) is called a flute (Fluitje), the middle is a vase (Vaasje), and the largest (0.5L) we just call "half a liter" or pint. Sometimes, bars have a medium of 0.33L as well, but that one doesn’t really have a name.
Anyway, most people drink flutes or vases. You'd order "a flute, please" or "a vase, please" and you'll always be served the house pilsner in the size you ordered. As you might have guessed by now, I am a bartender. One night, I was at work in my bar and had this group of five dudes drinking vases—a lot of vases.
The thing is that when you simply order "a beer," you'll be served a vase of pilsner as the standard. Everyone knows this here. It's common knowledge and no one ever objects to it. So, these dudes had simply been ordering "five beers, please" over and over again the whole night. They were served vases each time.
When the time came to finally pay, I gave them their bill and it said 35 vases of Heineken. They then tried to argue with me that the glasses I had served them in were not vases, but flutes. I told them that I was not going to argue about something as ridiculous as this, as anyone who drinks beer in the Netherlands knows what a flute and a vase is, and everyone knows what size they are.
Nevertheless, they refused to pay, so I told them to Google the sizes of beers and see for themselves. So they did. They then found a website that listed the sizes and names of the glasses, but they wouldn’t believe it because "The website must be owned by Heineken." Sure, a flute and vase conspiracy, that's a new one!
In the end, I told them to pay or I would call the cops, so they paid—but they also said that they were going to write a complaint email to my bosses telling them that I was ignorant about glass sizes. I encouraged them to do so, knowing full well that any such claim would just be laughed at and thrown out almost immediately.
At this point, even some of our other customers started telling them to stop behaving like ridiculous idiots. I kindly asked them to never return to my bar again.
45. Extended Vacation Joy
My most recent “I told you so” moment was when I told my wife we needed to cut our vacation short because of COVID. Then we came into close contact with a carrier, got put into isolation, our flights back got cancelled and the country where we live closed its borders. So, we are currently stuck in a foreign country and have no idea when we'll be able to go back home. Joy.
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46. A Life and Death Situation
We had a few lectures at my university given by the head of cardiology at the adjacent hospital. He told us about the time he was waiting to cross the road, when a man next to him collapsed. As he knelt down to attend to him, a large lady strode over, physically lifted him and pushed him out of her way, then said in a loud and proud voice: "I'll take charge here, I have a first aid certificate!"
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47. Listen More
I tried to tell my mother about what later was diagnosed as a rare form of epilepsy when I was around eight years old. I wish she had listened, but she waved it off like she did with everything I told her. Fast forward to when I was 30 years old. I admitted myself to the hospital because I felt funny. I ended up having an enormous seizure right there in the emergency room.
After I recovered, I couldn’t help myself. I looked my mom right in the eye and told her I knew I was right all these years. She mumbled a half-hearted apology, but I’m still angry. She said she “didn’t know what to do at the time.” I felt like screaming: You could’ve taken me to the doctor!!! Ugh.
48. Coming Out Ahead
I’m a mechanic and I was once asked to do the rear brakes on a classic Vespa scooter. I think it may have been a 200 Rally, but I’m not fully sure as this was decades ago. So, the owner and his pal turned up with the scooter. I loosened off and removed the rear rim and tire, then loosened the hub nut and began to put the rear rim and tire back on.
That’s when all of a sudden, I heard: "Oh hey, wait a minute, mate! What the heck are you doing?" I said, "I'm getting the hub off." They yelled, "Not like that, you're not!" They insisted that there was a better way to remove it, and offered to try and do it themselves on my behalf. So, I said sure. I told them that I was going out for a quick cup of coffee and smoke break, and that they could call me to come back and continue as soon as they had removed the hub.
Four hours later, (yes, four bloody hours), they were still at it. The hub wouldn't budge, not even a single inch. Getting bored, I finally decided to just go back to them and do the job myself. I put the rim and tire on, screwed in and tightened the two wheel bolts, and, using a mallet, hit three times on one point, then three times 180 degrees opposite, then rinsed and repeated three or four times until the entire rim, tire, and hub assembly simply came off.
You know, the simple way that this was meant to be done all along. I charged them for half a day’s worth of labor, for only a 30-minute job.
49. Weekend Away
This is from over a decade and I still feel satisfied about it. There was a girl in my Girl Scout troop that was constantly being mean to me, just not in front of our troop mates. No one believed me but soon enough, they'd learn I was right in the most brutal way possible when we all went on a weekend trip to an amusement park.
That weekend, this girl was an absolute nightmare. She threw a fit when she didn't get what she wanted. She started yelling at people how they ruined her trip and she was the troop leader's daughter so she should be in charge. Eventually she just cried for hours asking the other girls why they were being so mean. I laughed the entire time.
50. What a Crackpot!
I've spent over a decade as a professional pastry cook. The general manager at my new corporate job just tried to teach me how to crack eggs.
51. Projectile Defenses
In third grade, we were doing quiet small group work when I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, which was very unusual for me. So, I got up, walked over to my teacher’s desk and told her I thought I was going to throw up. She said “you’ll be fine, sit back down.” I walked back to my little row of desks, turned to the right, and projectile vomited all over the girl next to me.
I think I literally finished and said “I TOLD YOU SO.” Also, sorry for yacking on you, Elaina from third grade.
52. Czech Mate
I studied history at university and worked for a while as a tour guide in Prague, Czech Republic. I once had a customer on a walking tour of the city get really snarky with me because I called the river running through the city the Vltava. He declared to the whole tour that this was not its name. I asked him if he had heard it referred to as the Moldau, as that was the German name for the river during the Habsburg era when German was the official language.
To my surprise, he said no, and added that I was probably just stupid. He insisted that the river was called the Danube. I pointed out to him that the Danube doesn't run through Prague, and asked if perhaps he was thinking of Brno. No, he confirmed, he had definitely read in a guidebook some time that it was the Danube, so why the hell was he paying money for this tour if the guide didn't even know what the river was called?
At this point, another tourist in the group showed him her guidebook where it clearly said 'Vltava.' Then another showed him a map, and another showed him another guidebook, and so on and so forth until the whole group had basically shown him what a twat he was being. He didn't apologize at any point, of course, but at least he kept his mouth shut for the rest of the tour.
53. Compass Points
When I was in elementary school, a teacher taught us compass directions, like N, W, NW etc. I causally remarked; "Then there's NbW, NNW and NWbN." “What?” She asked, confused. That started an argument where she said I was making those up and to stop disrupting class. I talked to my father who was in the air force. He sent me to her next class with a book explaining the 32-point compass. Vindicated!
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54. When Earth Doesn’t Work
A new house recently got built next door to mine. Shortly after the owners moved in, they knocked on my door to complain that my house was built too high. I explained that my house was built on flat ground and that their builder had built their house lower for some reason, undercutting my fence. The guy proceeds to give a long-winded spiel about how earthworks are done and how my house is too high and I have to fix it.
I then explain that I do earthworks for a living, have done the earthworks for over 300 houses in my suburb alone, and around 1,200 in the local area in total. I name his builder, his site supervisor, his engineer, the exact floor levels in the street, and the law that says that he has to pay to fix my fence. He still hasn't paid, and the legal procedures are beginning soon.
55. Salmon(ella)
Last year, I told my housemate the salmon he just bought from the shop smelt really bad and he shouldn't eat it. Of course, he’s dismissive and rude and says, "I just bought it there's nothing wrong with it." Cue being woken up in the early hours by said housemate vomiting his guts up with foodborne illness. I told you, Tim!
56. Hitting Below the Belt
I've been in martial arts for 14 years, and I'm a fourth-degree black belt. I don't claim to know everything, not even close—but I do know what I'm talking about compared to the average person. At my university, I decided to try out the Taekwondo club on campus. It was the first day I was trying it and I didn't know if we were supposed to wear uniforms or not, so I went in with workout clothes but brought my full gear with me just in case.
Before the class started, one of the leaders (who was wearing a second-degree black belt, nothing to sniff at, but still a difference of five years of training) came up to me and started explaining the general protocol of class. He offered to stand next to me during the class to show me how to do the different steps. Throughout all of this, he seemed annoyed that he was having to explain everything, and generally acted like he didn't want any new, inexperienced students.
I politely agreed, and asked if we should wear our uniforms for the class. He explained that if we had them we should, but it wasn't a problem if I didn't have one. I explained that I did have one, and said I'd be right back, then proceeded to go change into my uniform. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw me walk out with my instructor's uniform and fourth-degree belt.
57. Fake Gamer Guy
When I was 14, I was hanging out with a guy after school. Two of his friends randomly decided to invite themselves, and started talking about a FPS video game they all enjoyed. I mentioned how the new one coming out had amazing graphics because my dad was planning on going to the midnight release. One of the friends said, "There’s no new game coming out, stop trying to pretend to be a gamer." I argued there was, he argued there wasn’t, so I came up with a brilliant plan.
I said we could settle it once and for all by going to the mall and asking at then GameStop. Lo and behold, when we got to the store, there was an enormous cardboard cutout advertising the game. The guy’s face dropped. It was so beautiful.
58. How Can It Be Two Things at Once?
I’m a nutritionist. I once had somebody insisting that you should drink apple cider with vinegar to alkalize your body and prevent diseases. I pointed out that that's an acid. He insisted that it was not, as it was “just apple cider with vinegar.” Right…
59. Handwriting Incidents
There was a substitute teacher at my school who offered to do "handwriting analyses" to pass the time. All the girls loved him. I had bad vibes from him from day one but finally I gave him my sample of handwriting. He started with "Oh honey, you're in real trouble aren't you?" I was confused. I wasn't. I had a fine home life.
I told him so and then he put his hand on my shoulder and said "You can tell me anything" and looked deep into my eyes. It made me VERY uncomfortable. I told my friends I did not like him but they couldn't understand why. A few years later, I learned the awful truth. This guy got put away as a pedophile. The newspaper article went in to detail about how he used hand writing analysis to prey on vulnerable kids, mostly girls.
60. Mama Mia!
My parents are Italian and I speak Italian. Nevertheless, I have often had random people in the US who are one-quarter Italian at best, or who once ate Italian food, correct me on the pronunciation of any number of things. One of the favorites is to tell me that “gravy” is how you say sauce in Italian. Yes, my Italian may not be perfect and I may have forgotten how to say a lot of things since my childhood, but I am quite certain that sauce isn't called "gravy" in Italy. Sorry, friends!
61. Contraband Checks
We were camping in a state park. I kept telling my friends to keep their voices down, or the rangers would come. Since we had some contraband, we didn’t want any extra scrutiny. Just as one of my friends was saying I'm overreacting, park rangers walked up to our fire and started chastising us. I laughed.
62. This Website Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us
I’m a welder on nuclear submarines with over 14 different x-ray welding qualifications at my current company alone. I was in an online discussion group about welding but eventually had to leave it because I was constantly getting dragged into ridiculous arguments with people who are brand new to the field and have no real world experience with welding, yet think that they literally know everything there is to know about it.
The amount of wrong information that was being thrown around left and right over there is insane. There were plenty of very knowledgeable folks there who I enjoyed talking to, but they were greatly overshadowed by the ignorant, unfortunately.
63. Brace Dreams
I was 16 when I first told my parents I wanted braces. Mom said, “you don’t need braces.” I went to the dentist, and the dentist told me I needed braces. My mom still disagreed, saying the dentist was just trying to make money off my teeth, which she insisted were "Fine." Fast forward many years. I’m 27 now and I've been struggling with brutal migraines for years.
When I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning, he looked at my teeth and said, “Have you considered braces? You should really think about them. Realigning your jaw will help with your migraines and it’ll fix your overlapping teeth.” I was furious, and immediately called up my mom. I was right! All along! I should have gotten braces! Extremely unfair.
64. A Tall Tale
Someone once tried to convince me that I was wrong about my own height. I’m 6’10” tall. A guy came up to me and said that he was 6’10” tall, so I must therefore actually be about 7-feet tall in order to be that much taller than him. “Nahhh, man—you’re 6’6” tall max,” I replied. And then we went back and forth about that for a little bit. Like—what? Why? What would I possibly stand to benefit from lying about my height to a total stranger?
65. Local Cues
About five years ago, during the protests in Turkey, I was sitting outside at a back-street cafe in Istanbul (where I live) having a drink. At the table behind me, another male expat was chatting to two 20-something Turkish women telling them about his brave exploits. Everyone at the cafe was keeping an eye on a group of riot officers at the end of the small street.
When they started to put their helmets on, I knew it was time to go indoors. I turned to the three of them behind me and politely suggested they do the same. The guy said something like, no, it’s ok...we’re safe here. He should have listened to me. About five seconds later, the whole street was filled with teargas canisters and fireworks being shot from a group who had been waiting around a corner.
After they ran inside, he asked a waiter to get his drink from the table outside.
66. Going Off Quilter
I worked at a quilt store for five years. I'm a male and was in my late 20s at the time. I got customers treating me like I knew nothing about quilts pretty much every day. Eventually, I just started working on my own projects in the store right in front of people, so that they could see that I was a better quilter than them before they started talking down to me and asking if the owner was my mother.
67. Rainy Day Friend
My sister had a horrible narcissistic "friend." This girl never gave a hoot about my sister’s life. She only wanted the attention on her. She was super possessive of my sister. She was jealous of my sister’s boyfriend and would say my sister should kick him out so she could move in. I told her the friend was bad news but did she listen? Of course not.
Two weeks ago, my sister had to terminate her pregnancy due to complications. She called up her narcissistic friend to talk about it, expecting sympathy. Nope! Her response was so cruel. She told my sister to “get over it” and instead listen to HER “real” problems. My sister had a light-bulb moment, and realized. Her friend was a mean person, and not a good friend! Definitely told you so, sis.
68. Nothing Natural About This
I have a degree in Music Performance, specializing in low brass instruments. I can transpose most other clefs on the fly, which is an important trait for a gigging musician. I now have another career, but I come out during wedding season, holidays, and to cover or sub for local professionals. I was recently at a gig playing trombone and reading a lead sheet written for flute.
The trumpet player kept missing a D-flat. We stopped rehearsal, and he tried to tell me that I was playing the wrong note. I told him that the note was a D-flat and that he, in fact, was the one playing the wrong note by playing a D-natural. He then tells me that I need to learn to transpose. I had to explain to this professional musician that low brass instruments don't transpose C parts, we just read them.
A D-flat on flute is a D-flat for trombone as well. The dude still argued with me about it for five minutes. Even the piano and guitar players began chiming in to tell him that he was wrong.
69. Inconvenient Truths
My pregnant wife and I were staying in a well-known hotel in Killarney (Kerry, Ireland). There was a second story being built onto an existing extension, visible from our window. It was being built by a huge well-known contractor. I noticed something about the build that I thought was very unsafe and reported it to management.
I'm not a builder or a civil engineer so they didn't take much notice. I then went to the building foreman and told him of my concerns. He assured me everything was safe. I wasn't convinced and they continued with construction. I went back to management, but it was obvious they considered me nothing more than an inconvenience.
To cut a long story short, within hours a very large portion of the new wall collapsed, missing a bus full of tourists by a few yards. I got my "I told you" moment, but they never acknowledged their fault or mistake.
70. Do You Know Who I Am?
Unfortunately, I was recently on the flip side of something like this—and I got shut down. I was arguing with my cousin while we were in an old hydraulic elevator. I said that hydraulic elevators are slow, crap, and have far more failures than cable elevators. The guy standing across from us started laughing and shaking his head. He proudly informed us that he is an elevator repairman, and that what I was saying was not true at all. Shamed.
71. Miscommunication
When I came home from high school once, my mother told me that my grandmother was having chest pains, so my mom was going over to "sit with her for a bit." Confused, I asked “by 'sit with her' you mean call an ambulance, right?” Apparently not. The next day, my mom couldn’t get ahold of my grandmother. She went over there to check on her. No prizes for guessing what she found.
72. Been There, Done That
"You need to research what aircraft carriers are like before you attempt to write a book about one." This was said to me by a member of my writer's workshop after reading a scene in which I described an aircraft carrier as "creaking." I’ve sailed on the USS Eisenhower...
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73. Best Served Cold
I had an art teacher once who told me cartooning was not “true art” and that no one took cartoonists seriously. A few years later, I was teaching an animation class in the local art museum for grades k-12. One day at work, I received the most satisfying call of my life. It was from my old art teacher. He wondered if he could have his classes come down and take part in the studio. Getting to re-introduce myself as a successful artist and cartoonist was the ultimate "I told you so."
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74. Laser Focused
Yesterday, I was at a physics lecture given by Donna Strickland, who won the Nobel Prize in Physics last year for her work in lasers. During the question period afterward, some kid (either an undergrad or a young grad, I didn’t know him) was all like “I have a comment more than a question...” and proceeded to explain some laser technique to her and that he thought she should try to use.
Her response was a “Yes, we are all well familiar with that technique in my lab and we already use it.” I was just kind of amazed at the nerve of this kid for trying to tell a Nobel Laureate how to do her research in a room packed with hundreds of people.
75. Picture That!
My mother had a friend that nobody liked, but everyone felt bad for. She was a horrible person, and I hated her. I always warned my mom that she would backstab us one day. They had occasional arguments, but always made up. She would talk bad about me in particular, behind my parents back. My mother’s friend’s kids were ALSO huge liars.
One day, my mom found out that they had accused my younger brother (not even a teen yet) of asking their daughter for some risqué pictures. It was totally ridiculous, and they could offer absolutely no evidence even though he supposedly asked over text. My mother was so furious. I looked at her and said "I told you so!" We don't talk to them anymore.
76. You Can’t Possibly Do What I Do!
I used to work in an air traffic control tower, and we would fairly often have new pilots visiting to see the airport and what happens from the air traffic control side of things. I was on a break one time when a particular pilot was visiting, and I was the only female air traffic controller in that workplace. I guess because I’m a woman, the people there just assumed that I was a waitress or something rather than an actual air traffic controller.
So the visiting pilot finishes his cup of coffee, hands me his mug, and says “Wash that for me, would you honey?” By the time he had returned to his aircraft, my break was over. He, unfortunately, found himself at the back of a rather long departure queue. I wanted him to have some time listening to the frequency and absorbing the fact that if a woman is in a professional environment, she’s probably not just the freaking tea lady.
77. Leaving Litter
Dad leaves his stinky shoes on the balcony next to the kitty litter. I told him not to because the cat will smell them and puke in the shoes. He told me to mind my own business. One morning, the cat pooped in his shoes. I definitely said I told you so.
78. There’s Some Bad Chemistry Between These Two!
I once had a nurse explain to me that I needed to drink more water so that more oxygen could get to my brain. In response to my puzzled look, he explained that H2O dissolved into oxygen and hydrogen, and the oxygen then travels to the brain. I'm a chemist. Yes, I asked to speak to the clinic director.
79. Too Old
One of my good friends dated a much older guy when she was sixteen. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, and told her. She didn’t listen to me. Then he asked her to help him find a job. And help him pay rent. And help him pay for contraband. She finally dumped him, calling him out for everything. Well I bet you wish you listened to me now don't you?
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80. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
I once found myself in a situation like this that you would never believe. I'm by no means a medical expert or a doctor, but I have a trauma care qualification through the fire department. One evening after my night shift, I came across a male in the street who had clearly just had a seizure and fallen off his bike in the middle of the road.
I grabbed a blanket from my car and ran over to try and help. I began assessing him, and there was a LOT of blood. At first, he wasn't responsive, so I was starting to work through the rest of my assessment whilst asking one passerby to call 9-1-1 and asking another one to run 100 yards up the road to the nearby emergency station and tell them to come down.
All of a sudden, some woman with an “I want to speak to your manager” haircut appears out of nowhere, and loudly declares that she is going to take care of the situation from here on; and so everyone else needs to just move along. To be honest, when I first heard this, I was thankful to now potentially have some help, and the patient was just starting to show some signs of recovery.
That quickly changed as this woman began aggressively pinning the dude to the floor and telling someone to stick his wallet in his mouth. I started to freak out and tell people not to do what she was telling them to do. I tried to get her the heck off of him, because I could see that she clearly didn’t know what she was doing.
She responded by telling me that I was the one who should get off of him and that I should let someone who knew what they were doing deal with the situation. I didn't bother arguing with her. I instead took over the 9-1-1 call, as the member of the public was struggling to give the right info to the person on the other end of the line.
I explained the situation carefully and gave them my casualty assessment. Then, the fire crew arrived. To say that I was relieved when they jumped out, told the woman to get off of the dude, and spoke to me on a first name basis is an understatement. Her face dropped as everyone there clearly stopped taking her seriously in that moment.
The patient was handed over effectively. They turned him onto his side, administered whatever they judged was necessary, warmed him up in a blanket, and loaded him onto the ambulance as soon as it arrived.
81. Driving Me Wild
During my driver’s ed test, the examiner told me to continue backing up. I looked at him, and then at the huge snowbank inches from the back bumper of my car. I said, “Sir, I’m going to hit that snowbank if I do that.” He disagreed. So I proved him wrong in the best way ever. I backed into it and just looked at him in the post-crunch silence. He was embarrassed, and I got my license anyway!
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82. A Civil Conversation
I once had a friend of a friend start to explain the causes and effects of the American Civil War to me at a backyard party. I kept trying to take part in the conversation, and he kept interrupting me. Finally, our mutual friend, overhearing our “conversation” (AKA this guy's lecture), leans in and says, "You know she got her grad degree in this subject, right?"
I'd love to say that learning about my credentials, so to speak, changed the tone or course of our conversation, but it didn't. Somehow, it only intensified his need to explain things to me that I can literally teach a high-level class on. Classic.
83. When Life Gives You Lemons…
One day, when I was a little kid, I came home from school the urge to plant a tree. So I took a lemon from the kitchen counter, cut it open, and extracted a couple seeds. My mom asked me what I was planning to do, and said, "That'll never work! Lemon trees grow in the tropics, and besides, these lemons are genetically modified!"
More than eight years later, a huge lemon tree sits in the corner of my kitchen. I always point it out to her whenever my mom comes over.
84. Arms Race
I’m a Canadian lawyer. I used to primarily do firearms law. I taught a course in firearms law at a major university. I've been consulted on it by major lawyers. I've had judges tell other lawyers to phone me with their firearms law questions. I once had a first-year law student try to tell me that I was oh-so-wrong about firearms law on a particular topic.
Eventually, they went and cited a particular case, which I politely advised them that they were wrong about. They kept going on and on, talking about how just because I'm a lawyer and they're a student doesn't mean that they're wrong. Meanwhile, I'm just trying my best to hold my tongue. Eventually, someone else chimed in to be like, "Uhh, don't you know who this professor is? The case that you are citing is a case that he personally argued and won on." That was definitely a satisfying moment, to say the least.
85. Foresight for the Ages
On Monday, in the second week of March, I went to my boss and said we needed to postpone our upcoming event because of the state of the world. She wanted me to ramp up advertising. I said I thought it might be a waste of resources, and inappropriate considering large gatherings were starting to be banned.
She said, "No, it's in three weeks, this whole thing will all be cleared up by then." That Friday they announced we were sheltering in place. We are still sheltering in place.
I told you so, Nancy.
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86. A Boneheaded Play
I sat in on a personal injury case where the plaintiff broke their leg in an accident and had a doctor on the stand as an expert. The woman's lawyer begins questioning the doctor about his experience with leg injuries (he was a well known orthopedic surgeon in the area). She asks if he’s ever treated a tibula fracture.
He simply answers "no." So, she starts grilling him with questions about the tibula. After about six or seven questions, she asks "how did you get a medical license if you've never treated a tibula fracture?" She launches into a huge rant trying to discredit his credentials, to which he simply responds "there is no bone called the tibula."
The lawyer became beet red and everyone in the room tried their best to keep from laughing, including the judge.
87. Son Swoon
I stood on my rooftop for a few hours under a bright sun. I told myself "you better watch it or else you'll faint." I went inside my house and while climbing down the stairs, my head spun and I fell down. My told you so moment happened with me.
88. We’re Not Going To Take It
My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They'd constantly interrupt and make the class a nightmare, and the teacher didn't really do anything about it. One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class and he had had enough.
He turned to her and told her to shut up, and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him, because she might be working for him one day. My brother turns to the teacher and goes, "Nah, I don't plan on being a pimp." The class loses it, the teacher has to step out from laughing, and that girl apparently didn't bother my brother for the rest of the year.
89. Explosive Coffee
I told my friend not to use a drinking glass to make coffee in, because the glass was not tempered and would probably shatter. They looked at me like I was an idiot, then while filling the glass said "I've done this a hundred times..." shatter. Glass shards and boiling water everywhere.
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90. Generational Blessings
On Thanksgiving, my entire family was sitting around talking, and somebody brought up the subject of winning contests. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “Oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?” I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered, “By the looks of it, the genetic lottery.”
91. Too Little, Too Late
My roommate had a cat for years, and when I moved in her boyfriend had a dog too. They got along swimmingly. They decided to get another dog they saw on Craigslist, and within 2 hours of finding the post, the dog was in our house. The new dog was a border collie/Australian Shephard mix.
The cat then disappeared for two weeks, hiding in the couch and refusing to come out. On New Year’s Eve, my roommates were gone. I heard growling from the kitchen. The new dog had pinned the cat in the corner, so I made the dog leave so the cat could escape. I told them that it wasn't a good idea for the new dog to be here.
Their solution? Just making the cat live in a single room for six straight months while the new dog had free reign of the rest of the house. One day I get a call from my roomies, and apparently the cat tore through the window screen and was in the backyard. They came home and let the dogs out.
Apparently the cat put up a major fight, because the collie mix was covered in scratches, but the dog ultimately won. They found the poor kitty laying there dead in the backyard a few minutes later. The boyfriend came up to me, and said, 'you were right.' It was not something I wanted to be right about.
RIP that cat :(
92. Audio Issues
The greatest comeback I ever saw was when an old man was complaining about his grandson’s rowdy behavior. The grandpa rudely said something like “You know, back in my day, children were seen but not heard!” The grandson immediately responded with “Yea, so were the movies!” I started laughing my head off after that one.
93. Finally!
The best I told you so moment in my life was when my mom told me that my brother had been hospitalized for poor mental health. I had been trying for years to get him health insurance and mental health care because we experienced childhood trauma. She never listened. Now he is 19 years old and can't keep a job. Struggles with addiction. Has awful mental health. I have been telling her for years to help him. Hopefully this hospitalization will allow him to change and grow, just like he deserves. I’m glad my mom finally listened.
94. The Mile High Flub
Air Traffic Control was doing a poor job of leading a plane in for landing. Pilot: "You've left us too high, I don't think we can make the approach." ATC: "You've got speed brakes on that thing, don't you?" Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) "Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours." The whole room went eerily quiet after that.
95. Tax Problems!
When I was in the US Navy, I did work as a tax preparer through a program being offered on base. It allowed military members to have their taxes prepared for free. It was my second consecutive year working on this and I was the only one out of the four assigned preparers at the tax center who had any prior experience.
We go through the training and set up the tax center. We go over the process for how everything runs. The highest rank was an E-6. I pointed out that we needed to have everyone sign a particular form that wasn't included but the E-6 completely blew me off and was basically just like "What? No we don't." I reminded him that I did this last year.
I strongly believed everyone would need to sign this form. Nevertheless, I was brushed aside like the piece of trash E-4 I was and that was that. So the tax year came to a close and we were all but finished with that assignment. For me, my enlistment was coming to an end and I had begun processing out – exciting!
There's a time period where you're released from your normal command so that you can go around gathering and turning in everything you need. That's what I was doing when one day I got a call from a frantic E-6 and you'll NEVER guess why! That's right. The form I had declared needed to be signed did, in fact, need to be signed.
Now they had to call everyone whose taxes we filed and have them come back in to sign it. He needed me to come in and help with that. He called and left a LOT of voicemails saying so. Unfortunately, I was processing out and had no obligation to do that and so I blew him off the same way he did me. I laughed a lot remembering this story as I wrote it. Thanks for the memories.
96. And The Winner Is...
A female friend of mine once said: "In the future, I think I'll just meet some rich doctor and become a trophy wife for the rest of my life." My male friend replied with: "But they don't give out trophies for last place!" Our jaws all dropped, and we couldn’t help bursting out into laughter. That has to be the funniest comeback I’ve ever heard.
97. Bad Vibes
My ex and I stayed friendly after our breakup. He started dating someone new. After he introduced us, he asked me what I thought of her. I had a bad feeling about this girl and told him that he should be careful. The more I got to know her, the more I just had this sense that she’s bad news. He laughed it off, trying to say I was just saying that cause I still had feelings for him. I didn’t.
Few years later, he needs representation because she destroyed his business, his family, stalked and harassed him and even had him under investigation by the FBI. Took him a couple years to clean up the whole mess. I totally said I told you so.
98. Reputable Terms
Once, I asked a middle-aged woman to borrow her pen on the train. I said, "May I please borrow your pen, ma'am?" The woman answered, "Excuse me, don't call me ma'am. Don't you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?" I said, “My apologies...sir."
99. Foul Ball
I went to my first baseball practice of the season at 10 years old. I played catcher most of the time, but my father told me: "If they don’t have catchers gear then do not play catcher. You'll get a foul ball in the face." We got there. They had no catcher gear yet. The coach told me to go play catcher. I refused. He got mad and yelled at me to get in there. I refused, repeating again that I needed gear.
So the coach, visibly angry, went in and played catcher. The very first pitch came off the top of the bat and hit him in the eye. He was pouring blood everywhere. He looked at me and before I could even open my mouth he said, "Don’t even say it!"
100. Comes With Age
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger "You know, inhaling that is bad for you." The stranger replied, "You know, my grandma lived to the age 101." The guy went, "Doing that?” The stranger immediately replied with, "Minding her own business."
101. Money Can’t Buy You Class
I've been a TA for a couple courses at my university, which is fairly competitive and the students are generally all top notch. Once in a blue moon, though, someone slips by the admission process. My worst experience was as a TA for a lower division math course. She was a freshman student, and spoiled doesn't begin to cut it.
Her family was clearly loaded, and I suspect she went to some insanely expensive private school that wrote her application for her. This girl would be in designer clothes and on her phone or laptop the entire time in lecture. Obviously everyone does this sometimes, but this girl was clearly just chatting with her friends and shopping for clothes all the time.
When she failed to turn in the first four problem sets, I sent her a quick email to let her know that homework contributed to a significant portion of her grade. I also said I'd still accept them. I never got a response. So she gets a blatant F on her first midterm. Like, it’s not an F that could be rounded up to anything significant.
She was at a point where she should've just dropped out and try again next semester. I sent another email saying this. This time I got a response, with her stating she could make the grade back next midterm. Alright, I think, suit yourself. So I continue through the rest of the semester. She's still failing...until something absolutely ridiculous happens.
At the last meeting of my discussion section, SHE SHOWS UP! Not just that, but with her parents. Oh my god, it gets better. She stays after the session to introduce me to her parents, and then hands me a stack of papers and informs me that it's all the homework for the semester. Meanwhile her parents are sitting there all proud of their little girl.
I take the stack graciously and, in my most professional voice, let her know that I'd be happy to take a look at it, but she won't get any credit. Her parents' faces completely fall. Her father starts to insult me. So I show them everything: The abysmal attendance record, the 0% homework score, the low, low, low midterm scores.
Now she's starting to tear up and the parents are seriously fuming. Not wanting to put myself in the middle of the rest of the storm, I mumble that I have a class to get to and sprint out of there...but not before I hear the student getting chewed up so loudly that people actually poked their heads out of classrooms. She never showed up for the final.
102. Sounds Wrong
My uncle is a deputy sheriff, and one time, he was at an airport speaking to my aunt over the phone in Spanish. Once he was done with his call, some nearby Karen who overheard him went up to him and started demanding to see his green card. Huge mistake. My uncle decided to mess with her and said he didn't know what a green card was.
He told her he had never even heard of it. She became more upset and kept demanding to see it. He messed with her more and then eventually went, "Well, I don't have a green card, but I have this," then brought out his wallet and showed her his badge. She immediately walked away while my uncle just kept laughing at her.
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