Mortified Parents Describe the Worst Things Their Kids Ever Did
Ah, kids. You gotta love ‘em! These little creatures are capable of bringing us some of the greatest joy in the world, just by virtue of their being so darn cute. At the same time, no group of people has a higher capacity for wreaking havoc, chaos, and embarrassment upon those around them. I guess we just choose to take the good with the bad—but believe me, sometimes that isn’t as easy as it sounds! Here are 42 stories of some of the worst things kids ever did to their parents.
1. A Sticky Situation
My son was about seven years old. He discovered the wireless hot glue gun from my craft room. I was using it that afternoon and had stopped to make dinner. I didn’t shut off the gun. Of course, I didn’t get back to my craft space until much later. When I did, I quickly noticed that the glue gun wasn’t there. Turns out my kid took it and hot glued shut every single electrical outlet that he could find in our house—and I do mean ALL of them!
2. A Warm Welcome
My four-year-old daughter (at the time) slapped a three-week-old newborn baby across the face immediately upon meeting her.
3. Not My Bread and Butter
My kids buttered up our dog. Have you ever tried to catch a freshly buttered chihuahua? It’s no easy task!
4. Money Down the Drain—Literally!
One time, my kids decided that it would be fun to play in the bathroom. It just so happened that I left my wallet in the pocket of a pair of pants that were on the floor. They flushed about $400 down the toilet that day.
5. Bathroom Break
My three-year-old got diarrhea at the park this weekend. We were a half a mile walk away from home with no bathrooms in sight. I wanted to disappear.
6. Speaking His Mind
When my son was four, we were once in the checkout line at the grocery store. There was a very obese man two people ahead of us and, unfortunately, my kid spotted him. He points and says very loudly “Mommy! Look how fat that man is!” My insides go cold. People around us are trying not to laugh. I say in a very firm voice “Son, that’s not a nice thing to say.”
To which he replies. “But he is really fat!” Then I tell him to just be quiet. It felt like the longest I’ve ever waited to check out.
7. A Game of Inches
It was very early in the morning, and I was sleeping in my bed. My two-year-old woke up before me, and decided that she was going to wake me up as well. She climbed out of her bed, went into the kitchen, built a set of makeshift stairs to reach the kitchen cutlery, grabbed a knife, and headed to my bedroom. She climbed into my bed, and then stabbed me an inch below my eye.
I awoke to find her holding said knife right over my head while giggling like a supervillain.
8. Pawn Stars
My teenage kid pawned my wedding ring to buy drugs for themselves. I’m not sure how they will ever be able to make up for that.
9. Body Positivity
I was in a pool change room when my then three-year-old daughter asked me very loudly why my breasts were not the same size and shape as another woman’s, who was standing right next to us getting dressed. She actually laughed and had a pretty good attitude towards the situation. Nevertheless, I was still dying on the inside!
10. An Unwanted Snack
My then two-year-old kid once puked, and it landed in my open mouth. I wished the Goblin King would come for him right there and then.
11. Consistency Is Key
My kid has been waking me up in the middle of the night every single day for four years straight—and is still doing so, with no end in sight.
12. Clearing Their Good Names
My moody teenage daughter was looking for some attention at school, so she made up a whole false story about how we didn’t feed her at home, and how we often beat her. She began telling this story to all of her friends, and a teacher happened to overhear. She reported us to child services, and my wife and I then had to be investigated for child neglect and abuse.
They had to speak with each of our kids and interview them independently. My wife and I are still reeling from that one!
13. Bon Appetit!
My kid hid over three dozen half-eaten sandwiches throughout her bedroom. We unfortunately only discovered them several months later. It was disgusting. If she had told us that she didn’t like them, that would have been fine. But to hide them? Holy smokes…
14. Best Seat in the House
While waiting in a long line with my six-year-old son, he started to complain about his legs hurting. I explained that we have to wait our turn like everyone else and that he needed to learn some patience skills. He then loudly exclaimed, “Why does that guy get a seat?!?!”—pointing to a man in a wheelchair two places behind us. I wanted to find the biggest rock I could possibly imagine to hide under.
15. Ready for Takeoff
My kid has this habit of pulling down his pants when he gets upset. It’s funny in a family context. Not so much at the airport, though…
16. What’s in a Name?
I was taking my four-year-old granddaughter back home after she had spent the week with me. It was a 400-mile trip and I knew that at least one bathroom trip would be necessary. I picked an Applebee’s for lunch, figuring that it would be a clean choice. I took her into a stall in the men’s room, and there was no one else in there when we went in.
My little sweetie did her business and then, after not even a whimper out of her all week, while I was washing her hands, she suddenly started wailing, “I want my mother!” and crying loudly. A man came in, a state trooper in uniform, giving me a dirty look as I’m telling her that we would be home in just a little bit. She’s crying that I told her that yesterday.
We exit the men’s room and go to our table. She’s still whimpering. The state trooper comes over and asks me for some ID, I guess just doing his job. I explain that she is my granddaughter and that I’m taking her home. He then asks my granddaughter if I am her grandfather. She shakes her head and shouts out “NO!” Then, with a big smile, says “He is my Poppy!”
Luckily, we got home with no further stops.
17. Table Talk
I taught my kids not to fart at the dinner table. Instead, my four-year-old thought it was appropriate to run over to the next table in the restaurant and let one rip.
18. Raising the Bar
I was dating a guy back when my son was maybe seven or eight years old. I picked him up from the airport one night and brought my son along with me. While we were driving home, the three of us started playing the game “raise your hand if you’ve ever…” Five minutes in, my son blurts out “Raise your hand if you’ve ever clogged up the toilet with a big pile of poop like my mom did today!”
I still want to run away and hide just thinking about it…
19. Wanton Violence
I was once talking to an older gentleman at a softball game. My five-year-old son was standing by us, patiently listening. Then, with no warning whatsoever, he punched the old guy as hard as he could—right in the berries. The old guy collapsed in pain. I asked my kid later why he did that. He had no explanation, he just said he felt like it.
20. Some Questions Are Better Left Unanswered
My nephew is six, and at the grocery store the other day he kept counting out loud. He would yell “SIX… SEVEN… EIGHT!” Finally, I asked, “What are you doing?” He yelled “Counting how many [insert minority race here] people I see!” I wanted the floor to swallow me up…
21. Without Batting an Eye
My niece and nephew were playing with a foam bat. They started playing too rough, and my nephew gave my niece a black eye. Whenever anyone would ask my niece what happened, they were appalled to hear that her brother had hit her with a bat. My cousin made a point to correct her, saying, “Tell people it was a foam bat, honey.”
So, my cousin runs into a family friend he hasn’t seen in years. He sees my niece and, truly concerned, asks, “What happened to your eye, honey?” Her response was, “What am I supposed to say again, daddy? Oh yeah, my brother hit me with a foam bat!” The guy angrily told my cousin how he always thought he was a better person than that, despite a blabbering attempt at an explanation.
22. Does That Make It Better or Worse??
My kid used to pee on people from my balcony because he “thought they were ants.”
23. A Different Kind of Stranger Danger
As a little game, my oldest daughter and I used to run away from my wife when we went shopping. One time, we got particularly far away and I asked her what she wanted to do now that Mom couldn’t stop us. She exclaimed loudly, near others, “We can punch a stranger!”
24. Just So Everyone Knows…
Nothing compares to the experience of carrying my daughter back from the bathroom through a crowded hipster brunch spot while she shouted “HE FARTED!!” at every single table. In case there was any confusion, she was also pointing at my face.
25. Who Wears Short Shorts?
One time, my daughter was in a gas station with my husband when a girl walked in with shorts so short her butt was showing. As she walked by, my daughter decided to shout out “In-ap-pro-pri-ate! She needs to put some pants on!”
26. Blueberry Hill
I had a mommy group meet-up when my son was just two. He crammed himself full of banana flaxseed muffins, blueberries, and strawberries. He only pooped once a week or so in those days, and we were at my parents’ house the next day when it all hit him. I had to throw away those pants and literally hose my kid down outside. I still gag when I think about it.
My daughter was with me in a crowded dressing room and complimented me very loudly on my nice nipples. I could hear laughter from the other stalls.
28. Hitting Where It Hurts
One morning, I was minding my own business trying to enjoy a cup of coffee. As I was taking a sip, my four-year-old walked up and, with the tiniest balled up fist, punched me right in the coffee cup—which in turn whacked into my front teeth. Nothing broke, thank goodness—but damn, I was absolutely stunned! I couldn’t believe what had just happened, and all I could do was sit there and stare at him blankly in shock.
29. Like a Rolling Stone
I have a very adventurous five-month-old. She loves movement and she’s already trying to crawl. A few weeks ago, while I was pleasantly taking a nap with her, she decided to roll herself right off of the bed and onto the ground. I didn’t know what had happened until I heard her scream. She wasn’t hurt, but the sounds of the fall and scream struck a new level of terror into me that I didn’t know existed.
30. Food for Thought
My son came home from kindergarten with his backpack full of canned food. When pressed about the issue, he confidently stated that he had told his teacher that he was hungry and that we didn’t have any food at home. They had sent him home with donations for those in need! We got him to return the food the next day. It’s a funny story we love to tell now, but talk about embarrassing!!!
31. Soul Music
At three years old, my daughter made up something called the “F Word Song” and decided to sing it the one time when my very religious and conservative mother was babysitting. The lyrics went something like this: “F*** f*** f*** f***; don’t say f***; f*** is a bad word!” And repeat. All day long. That girl has no filter!
32. Making a Federal Case Out of It
My kid went through a phase of having constant tantrums and explosive meltdowns over absolutely everything. Like hourly, for as long as she was awake. Thankfully, it only lasted for a few months, but it was severely exhausting and depressing at the time.
33. Armed and Dangerous
I once got called into my son’s kindergarten because he had been using his poop as a weapon to fling at other kids in his class.
34. Mood Swings
My kid screams like a crazy person when he gets upset. Oh my goodness, you would not believe that a human being can produce a sound that unpleasant! But then he does cute stuff and I take the “for sale” ad back down…
35. The Right to Bear No Arms
There is a man who lives in our village with no arms. His name is Mr. M. His children attended my son’s nursery, so he had met him many times. We were in a packed doctor’s waiting room one day and Mr. M came in. My son, at full volume yelled: “Look, mommy! There’s that Mr. M that I told you about. He has no arms! Look! LOOOOK!”
At this point, the whole waiting room, in true British style, have turned their heads in the opposite direction to Mr. M, and are actively trying NOT to look—while similarly avoiding eye-contact with me, and the “disrespectful small child” who draws attention to people’s disabilities. I awkwardly say, “Ah yes, that is Mr. M. We see him at school, don’t we?”
My kid says: “Yeah, he came in to talk to us one day…” I wondered what was coming next. He said, “he drives a car with his feet!” I was hoping he wouldn’t say anything else but he then he said, “He is totally awesome!” I breathed a sigh of relief.
36. Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
We had just moved to our new house and the neighbors walked up to say hi. My four-year-old walks out of the house naked, sees the neighbors, and proceeds to pee standing up while looking straight at them. She then says “Bet you can’t do that!”
37. Cutting the Cheese
I took my family to a restaurant quite a few years back. The restaurant had wooden seats in their booths. My son thought that it would be a good idea to let a huge fart rip just as we were being seated into the booth. Of course, the sound was extremely magnified coming off of the wooden seat. I was both impressed with how loud it was and embarrassed because I knew that most of the restaurant had to have heard it.
I slowly started looking around to see that most of the patrons in the restaurant were indeed looking directly at our table. Of course, my kid thought nothing of it and acted like it was completely normal.
38. An Honest Mistake
When pregnant with our second child, we told our first—three years old at the time—that mommy’s belly was so big because there was a baby in there. At a restaurant a couple of days later, a heavy-set woman walks by our table. Daughter shouts out, “Look mom! That lady has a baby in her butt!”
My wife once surprised me by bringing my son by to see me before I was about to give a presentation on Felony Drug Court. I was standing in front of all the people I was about to present to, when my screaming kid ran in blaring an ear-splitting war cry of “DAAAADYYYY!!!!” before punching me right where the sun don’t shine.
40. Heads or Tails
My kid sat right next to my shoulder while I was laying in bed fighting a migraine. He then pooped his pants, plopped backward right onto me, and slid along my head—smearing poop into my hair and ear, and then onto my face. He’s two. It is definitely up there on the list of the worst “What the heck am I supposed to do now?” moments of my life.
I opted to drag him fully dressed into the shower and scrub and shampoo the two of us for an hour while crying.
41. Play By Play
My daughter announced to the world that I was pooping in a public restroom by loudly shouting, “Ewww, that smells!” However, she didn’t stop with just the one proclamation; she went on and on and on. “Oh my gosh, that is awful. Gross, Mom!” etc. As she is saying this, the little giggles from the other stalls are slowly turning into loud laughs.
Needless to say, I avoided eye contact with everyone while washing my hands…
42. Drinking Problem
I was with a group of friends and was asked if I drink. I said I don’t really, and my daughter shouted out “But Mom, you drink all the time!” She was totally unaware of the difference between drinking alcohol and drinking everything else.
43. Eat Your Words
A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn’t pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, “I want a PIE.”
My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around, when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.
When I got to the front of the line I asked the person at the register how many apple pies they have left. They told me and I bought all of them. I ate one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash.