Weddings This Awkward Should Be Illegal - Page 42 of 50

Weddings This Awkward Should Be Illegal

42. A Few Words to the Wise

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I’m in the wedding industry. I’ve been to over 3,000 weddings. Many of them were awkward for the same reasons. The “singing your vows” thing is never ever going to work out like you think it will in your imagination. Never sing your vows. Never attempt to sing any part of your wedding ceremony. It will not go as you visualized it. A wedding day is not a good time for surprises. Don’t surprise your bride with an unexpected part of the ceremony.

Don’t surprise your mom by the wedding itself. True story, one bride told her mom she was going out to an engagement dinner when she was actually getting married. The only exception to this rule is if you give the bride a surprise addition to her ring–grandma’s diamond, a ring made from her parents’ rings, or something else along those lines.

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Jokes about the couple sleeping together later are never funny. They make people uncomfortable, and it makes you look like an adolescent. There will always be crickets after you make the joke. If you are going to be late, communicate that to EVERYONE somehow. Have your fiance, or your parents, or someone tell everyone that you will be late.

The staff needs to know, especially. If you forget the rings, don’t stress it. It’s a funny story. If you forget your vows, wing it as best you can. Just don’t sing. Ask the officiant for help with last-minute vows. Finally, don’t get intoxicated and act like an idiot. You don’t want to be that guy! Plus, if you are intoxicated, you won’t be able to make those jokes come true later!

Crickets…

ilikemrrogers

43. Together Again

I once attended a wedding in the United States. This was both the bride and groom’s fourth marriages. To each other. Yes, they got married to each other four times and divorced each other three of those times. They picked a dirty motorcycle bar for the venue of their fourth wedding. They were openly giving young children adult drinks, then laughing at them for being intoxicated.

Things were weird enough to begin with, but they soon reached a whole new level of insanity. I asked my friend if I could leave after the bride pulled a knife out of her dress and tried to stab the groom with it for having slept with another woman while they were divorced. I’m not sure if this is common in New Jersey. Other weddings I attended while in the USA were not like that…

dontniceguyatme

44. Last-Minute Decisions

I once attended a wedding where the groom abruptly changed who his “Best Man” was, and didn’t tell the original Best Man until the start of the ceremony. When the reception began, the bride and groom then realized that they hadn’t hired a bartender, so they asked a guest to bartend. The groom then “dirty danced” with his step-mom. Yes, his hands were fully on her butt.

The bride and groom then hauled their entire wedding party up to do a choreographed dance to Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights,” but apparently had neglected to give them any pre-warning or teach them the dance moves. That song is eight and a half minutes long. Let’s just say the scene was a bit awkward to watch.

The wedding was held at a scenic boarding school campus during the summer. Guests were told that the dormitories were complimentary to stay in. Guests were not told that there would be no bedding provided, nor would there be any A/C in the building. The groom later emailed everyone who had stayed in a dorm asking for money.

yet_another_dave

45. A Man of the World

I used to videotape weddings, so I’ve seen it all. This one couple from New Jersey was the spitting image of two characters from the show Jersey Shore. They were super into appearances and very over-the-top gaudy. During their church ceremony, they had their very awkward 60-year-old uncle put on a culturally-appropriated costume, stand up, and chant around the church, giving what I can only assume was some kind of blessing.

It was so weird, inappropriate, and out of place. I assume they wanted to seem “deep” during their ceremony. They mixed some multicolored sand together in a vase, too!

jar0fstars

46. Think of the Children!!

So this wedding took place in an Episcopal church. The priest had all his finery on and the church itself was decorated very nicely for the occasion. The bride and groom had made a point of asking everyone to wear casual clothes. We all took that to mean “semi-formal.” Nope. They and their kids all came out wearing overalls and white t-shirts.

They stood next to the priest, who was in his formal robes. The other cringey part was when the groom, in the middle of the ceremony, started repeatedly talking about the Bible verse “let the little children come to me” and insisting it implied “and listen to what they’re telling you.” He kept saying that over and over again, even though most of us had no idea what he meant.

He then launched into an impromptu twenty-minute speech explaining about how he and the bride had gotten together. There were plenty of parts in the story where the groom was like “I wasn’t sure she was right for me,” but his son was pressing him because “he wanted a mom.” It was a sad story actually, as his biological mom passed away when the kid was only four and this was eight years later.

So, his speech was basically this long and unfocused story that boiled down to “I’m marrying this woman so that my kid can have a mom.” That, and some more confusing Bible references mixed in here and there for good measure. Not a good sign when that’s your main reason for getting married to someone. Nevertheless, I knew it, probably half the attendees knew it, and the priest definitely knew it.

That whole background story might have been okay to tell during the reception, under a certain kind of atmosphere, but I have no idea why he decided to tell it in the middle of the actual wedding ceremony. When all was said and done, I’m pretty sure this couple ended up getting divorced less than two years later.

SilentMunch

47. A Lot of Energy in This One

My brother managed a gas station about ten years ago and had hired the soon-to-be bride as an employee. A little while into her employment, she requested a few days off for her wedding. The date was still a couple months out, so it was no big deal. About a week before her requested time off, she came into work and had the following exchange with my brother:

Bride: “Wanna see my new tattoo?” Bro: “Uh, sure.” She lifts the back of her shirt to reveal a huge, green, Monster Energy “M” covering the whole upper half of her back. Bro: “Holy moly! Wow!” Bride: “Awesome, huh? And my fiance got the same tat!” Bro: “Really?…” Bride: “I know, I know what you’re thinking. Copyright, right?”

“But what are they gonna do? It’s already on my body! It’s ALREADY ON MY BODY! Ha ha!” Bro: “Right. That. That is what I was thinking.” Then, at the ceremony, the pair awkwardly gave the same demonstration to all their guests. There are even pictures of it. I’m working on getting a hold of those. It was a camouflage themed wedding.

She had an open-back camo gown with camo heels. She even had a camo veil. I really wish it had been ghillie suit headgear. The groom had camo pants with camo boots and a camo bowtie. He was, indeed, shirtless. He did wear a camo ball cap, though. I imagine them walking down the aisle, backs glistening in the sun with vaseline over a huge Monster logo.

Just the perfect day that every kid dreams about someday having. They were happily married for seven months.

jalcorn33

48. He Shoots, He Scores

When I was in high school, one of my hockey teammates had a kid with his girlfriend when they were juniors. They decided to get married and the wedding was officiated by my teammate’s dad, who also happened to be our head coach. The entire wedding party consisted of the bride and groom’s direct family and the hockey team.

It took place at a Golden Corral. Then the reception was held at…the same Golden Corral. Then we had a hockey game that night right after. The other team we were facing that night somehow found out about what had happened and started to hound the guy about it for the entire time. Even though it was a super cringy situation, those guys were still a bunch of jerks.

For anyone wondering about how that game went, I honestly don’t remember if we won. Hockey season is always a long one with a lot of games, and this was a pretty long time ago. Now, about seven years later, this couple has a second kid, the guy is an officer in the Air Force, both of his kids play hockey, and he coaches and refs for their league.

He and his wife look very happy together, so I’m glad it all worked out for them. And, just for the record, I really did not mean for this to be a rip on the couple. They’re amazing together and are doing an awesome job of raising their kids in a loving household where they want for nothing. They haven’t had the easiest lives, but they’re doing the best they can and absolutely killing it.

I haven’t spoken to my former teammate in a while, but I’ve seen his dad, who was our old coach, at alumni games and they’re such an awesome family. They’re the perfect living example of the fact that you don’t need a giant, expensive, fancy wedding to be happy in life. As long as you have each other, family, and friends, it’s a joyous occasion that should be celebrated.

CannabisandCandy

49. Leaving So Soon?

When I was in college studying photography, I got friendly with a fellow student who had a wedding photography business but was still studying to get his qualifications. After seeing my work, he asks me if I want to assist him at his next wedding. I agree to do so. The big day finally comes and I’m all prepared to go in and see the groom, the best man, the ushers, and a bunch of other participants to get some pre-event photos of them getting ready and whatnot.

To my surprise, the groom refused to be in any pictures, stating that he was feeling under the weather. I kinda thought he should just suck it up. It was his wedding day, after all. Nevertheless, he was insistent, so no pre-event photos were taken of him. A little while later, the ceremony comes and goes. It’s now time for the bridal party photos at the church.

Once again, the groom refuses to be in any photos, much to everyone’s annoyance. We all get to the reception, the speeches begin, and, midway through the father of the bride’s speech, the groom just straight up leaves. He once again repeats the fact that he was feeling a bit ill. This is where the bride drew the line—she went into a full-on rage. She started pulling the small groom and bride figurines off the top of the cake and stomping on them.

She shouted, “I knew I shouldn’t have married him!” There was a lot of hullabaloo at this point, with guests trying to console her. Everyone agreed that he was being dramatic and was basically a huge jerk. We got paid in full even though at that point we were done. I go home, put my feet up, drink a few beers, and then answer an unexpected phone call from my friend.

I was expecting him to just be calling to joke around a little bit more about how crazy that wedding had just been. Not even close. In reality, he was calling to inform me that the groom had passed away shortly after leaving the reception hall, and that our photo job would now be turning into a two-for-one wedding and funeral service.

shak2die4

50. Speaking from the Heart

The most cringeworthy thing that I have ever seen at a wedding was not the fault of the bride or groom, but of the bride’s father. I was the best man at this wedding, so I had a front-row seat for the entire thing. The couple was marrying young after the bride had fallen pregnant. It obviously wasn’t planned, but they clearly loved each other and it was the right thing for them to do in their eyes.

Anyway, come the wedding day, I’m sitting next to the bride’s father at the reception and I can see he’s looking at his prepared speech repeatedly. I can see phrases like “not ideal,” “would’ve preferred not to welcome you into the family under these circumstances,” etc. Just before the groom gets up to give a speech, the bride’s father excuses himself to use the washroom, leaving his “speech” behind.

I knew that something needed to be done before he turned the entire wedding into a nightmare. I’m not ashamed to say that I swiped the speech and then pleaded ignorance when he returned and asked what had happened to it. In the end, he stood up and muttered a few generic words about love and then sat down without any issues. I never told the groom, and I’m happy to say that they’re still happily married twenty years later.

St0rmStrider

Sources: 1, 2