As a lawyer, there's nothing more satisfying than being able to say: "I rest my case." It may seem like a rare occurrence—like one that only happens in legal dramas—but it turns out, such moments happen in real life pretty often. Here are some lawyers' best "mic drop" moments:
1. Showing Off Your Stolen Goods is Never a Smart Look
My mum was a personal injury solicitor, and she was basically trying to prove that the car that hit her client and caused life-changing injuries (brain damage) belonged to X. X at first pretends not to live where he does, then the car is found abandoned and all wiped down. The trail seems to end. Then, my mum has a hunch and checks X’s Facebook profile.
He had a public profile, and his profile picture was him standing right next to the car in question. She screenshots the photo and sends it to the opposing counsel with a slightly more politely worded “Your client is a total idiot.” She’s retired now but she considers it to be one of the most satisfying moments of her career.
Needless to say, she won the case and her client got a million-pound settlement and is now living in Spain. All for the want of a simple privacy setting and a touch of common sense.
2. Rigging The System
My brother served on a jury back in the days of MySpace. It was a case where a big rig had hit a woman during foggy weather, and she was suing for a back injury. On the last day of the trial, the opposing counsel brought up her MySpace account to show the jury a picture of her dancing on the hood of a car. Right next to it was a text exchange saying that she shouldn’t go out too much because her lawyer said she had to look injured. Needless to say, she lost that case.
3. Social Media Strikes Again
My friend was suing a private security company for assault. He explained that one of the security guards also threatened him with a gun. The security company's lawyer responds that my friend must be lying, as the guards do not carry guns because they are not allowed. My friend finds the Facebook profile of one of the security guards who threatened him.
His profile picture is him mean-mugging with a glock in his hand. My friend emails this to opposing counsel with a note that says “FYI.” The security company agrees to pay an out of court settlement to my friend.
4. Caught You
While I was interning at court, this dude attended in support of his friend but wore a shirt in the same color as the defendants in the group trials. The bailiff mistook him for a convict and asked him to sit down. The guy responded, “Heck naw, man. I’m just here to see my friend. I ain’t got no case. He was the one who got caught. I got away.” No. No, he didn’t get away.
5. A Dramatic Reveal
I practice immigration law. I had a woman come in and explain that she was from Canada, had been living and working in the US without permission for decades. Boyfriend beat her up to the point where she was hospitalized. She pressed charges and the boyfriend basically let her know via friends that his lawyer was going to call her credibility into question since she was an illegal immigrant.
It turns out her mom was born in the US and met the dad in college, which meant that she could gain dual citizenship via mom. We got her citizenship certificate expedited and I made her promise not to tell anyone. Sure enough, at trial, the defense attorney asks, “Isn't it true that you are a Canadian citizen who has been working illegally in the US for decades?” To which she replies, “No. In fact, here's my certificate of citizenship. I'm a dual Canadian and US citizen.”
She said the lawyer looked like a puppet when someone cut the strings. Boyfriend became a guest of the State for a long time.
6. The Bend And Snap
My father is a judge. I remember him talking about a case where a woman sued for a severe back injury that she claimed prevented her from working and taking care of her kids. The lawsuit didn’t go quite as she planned. In the middle of the trial, a pen rolled off the table, and she bent over to try to reach it from her chair, but the pen rolled too far away. So she stood up and bent over again to pick it up before going back to her seat as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened.
My dad couldn't believe his eyes. Noticing his stare, she snapped at him, “What are you staring at?” My dad asked the woman if she was okay, and she responded that she was fine. Realizing the problem, her attorney quickly leaned over and said something to her. The woman then loudly started complaining about her back and how much it hurt, but no one believed her at that point.
7. Gifting a Victory to the Other Side
For a while, my mother dated a man who really liked to act like a big shot. He was a guy that claimed to know a guy wherever you went. Any time you wanted something he would say "Oh wait, let's go to the store I'll talk to the owner and get you a deal.” Nearly every time he did, the owner seemed like he wasn't entirely sure who this guy was.
He would do stuff like insist on taking the entire family on a vacation, or take everyone out to a fancy restaurant. Or he would show up with expensive gifts out of the blue, like new electronics or guitars. Eventually the relationship ends, but not long after we find out he's taking us to court because we owe him money.
Court date comes, he presents his case first. He goes through a huge itemized list of everything he ever bought us. Every single item, from a vending machine Coke to a new sink because he broke the old one. Even a birthday cake bought for the youngest child. Once he's done, the judge asks if there was an agreement to be paid back for any of that. He says it was just an understanding.
The judge asks specifically if he ever said he wanted to be paid back. He says no, that usually when someone buys you something you pay them back. The judge then explained that no, in fact, that's not usually how gifts work and that by his own admission there was never an expectation to pay for anything. So after his own testimony, the case was closed.
He then appealed. Again he presented his testimony first. Again, closed by his own words.
8. How Helpful
I wasn’t a lawyer yet, but I clerked for a DAs office throughout law school. Obviously, we didn’t have "clients," but I'll never forget this kidnapping case I worked on. It involved two Asian male defendants who were both the same age and looked relatively similar. During the trial, a lawyer asked the witness on the stand if he could identify the defendant who pushed an uzi into his face.
But it was clear the witness was having trouble differentiating the two defendants. In a true moment of brilliance, one of the defendants RAISED HIS HAND and basically pointed to himself like, "Right here, bud.” I thought his defense attorney was going to have a brain aneurysm. It was hands down the dumbest thing I'd ever seen.
9. Facts Don’t Lie
It was a fraud trial. The prosecutor gets right to the point. This was pretty much the third question in to the defendant: “So you earn £45,000 a year, have no properties, no other source of income, no inheritance and as far as I’m aware have not won the lottery yet you have foreign bank accounts with £x million and a Ferrari. It must simply be a coincidence that the defrauded entity has an accounting black hole pretty much equal to those riches.”
The defendant pretty much gave up at that point.
10. Botched Effort
A judge I worked for oversaw a trial where a woman claimed that a boob job left her so badly maimed that she couldn’t bear to go out in public. It sounded pretty terrible, frankly. But little did the prosecution know, the defense attorney wasn’t at all concerned by the woman’s allegations because he had a secret ace in the hole.
For the next two hours on cross-examination, the doctor’s defense attorney read aloud all of the woman’s posts since the surgery, alongside blown up pics of her wearing a bikini in Aruba and mini-skirts and low-cut shirts at bars for “ladies night.” On a break, the woman ran out of the courtroom, crying. 20 mins later, her lawyer came back and told the judge she was dropping the case.
11. A Misplaced Identification
When I was in law school, I clerked for a criminal defense legal clinic. We had an assault and battery case where there was only one witness to the crime: the victim. I was sitting at the defense table with the actual attorney, another law student that worked on the case with me, and the defendant. We were all in similar looking suits as a matter of unplanned coincidence.
The victim was asked to identify the person who committed the assault in court and she pointed to me and not the defendant. Our attorney asked several times if she was really pointing to me and if she was sure, and she said yes. The prosecutor was visibly upset and the trial pretty much ended there as this was a bench trial and not with a jury.
It was never discussed or admitted to, but I suspect our attorney purposefully had me there at the trial because I did have a passing resemblance of the defendant.
12. Hammering Out The Details
My father is an attorney. Officers caught some dude allegedly breaking into private property with others by smashing a wall with a sledgehammer. Some officers rolled up, and he was the only one to get caught. During the trial, one of the officers testified that, “The defendant was the only one caught, but there were two other men who fled on foot and couldn’t be apprehended.”
Upon hearing this, my father’s client’s face lit up in an ‘AHA’ moment, and immediately told the judge, “Not true, there were four of us!” Facepalm. I guess the guy thought that if he could disprove the officer’s testimony that they’d let him go. What he didn’t realize was that he’d just admitted guilt. My father said the judge just kind of sighed and told my father it would be a good idea to keep his client quiet. Safe to say, he was found guilty of vandalism.
13. Dumb Criminals Make Dumb Choices
This wasn't my case, but in criminal docket court one morning, the accused wore a pair of very unique custom made red cowboy boots...stolen from the house he was accused of robbing. He wore them. To court. To plead not guilty. The prosecutor was laughing.
14. Not The "Positive" They Expected
I am a lawyer. I was licensed for less than a year when I represented a guy in a custody case. He was adamant that his ex was on drugs, so I requested drug testing. The judge said that both parties had to be tested, which I had warned my client would likely be the judge’s request. The mom tested clean; it was my client who tested positive for drugs. We did not win the case. The same guy also fell asleep during the hearing.
15. Knowing When to Stop and For How Long
A friend told me this story. He's not a lawyer but was job shadowing or something and was in court for the day. Anyway, one of the cases was a girl contesting a stop sign violation. The prosecutor asked how long she was stopped at the stop sign and the girl responds 40-50 seconds. The prosecutor asks her to look at the clock in the courtroom and proceeds to stay silent for the next 30 seconds, which is a really long time.
Once the 30 seconds is up, the prosecutor looks back at her and says were you really stopped 40-50 seconds and the girl was basically silent. I'm pretty sure she was found guilty.
16. Friendly Felon
My dad was the manager of a small hotel in Australia. One of his semi-regular customers was this big Samoan dude who always booked in for a day at a time, had a few visitors, and paid in cash in a one-to-one conversion with American dollars. It was highly unusual, but my dad always said he was a great customer. The guy was very friendly with the staff, and he never gave anyone any problems. They always chatted whenever he checked in.
One day, a couple of detectives came to the hotel and asked to speak to my dad. They showed him a photo of the customer and asked if he was currently staying there. My dad confirmed that he was, and in a matter of minutes, a small contingent of additional officers arrived, stormed the guy’s room, and escorted him away in handcuffs. It turned out the guy was a pretty major drug dealer wanted in a couple of states.
Cut to the court date quite sometime later. My dad took the witness stand, and for whatever reason, the defense claimed that my dad didn’t know the defendant and had never seen him before. My dad insisted that he did know the defendant, but that line persisted from the defense. Frustrated with the defense lawyer, my dad made a bold move.
As my dad left the witness box, he walked past the defendant and said, “Hi Barry,” to which Barry enthusiastically replied, “Hi Jason, how are you?!” It destroyed the defense’s position. While I'm sure this wasn't the only thing that counted against him in the case, it certainly couldn’t have helped. The guy ended up getting quite a few years in prison.
17. Fighting a Good Fight
This is going to sound crazy, but in college, I got a ticket every day of the week for parking in my driveway. Same cop every day. My girlfriend’s car, too. It was a small apartment building, which had a blacktop parking lot along the side of the building. The police ticketed every vehicle parked in our assigned parking spots for “blocking the sidewalk.”
There was no sidewalk. It was a blacktop parking lot. I was an aspiring student of the law and knew I could argue this. Plus, I didn’t have the money to pay all these tickets. I plead not guilty, got a court date, and continued to collect the tickets. I got the cop on the stand and showed him a series of pictures and asked questions about this “invisible sidewalk.”
He contradicted himself several times and then admitted he ticketed every car he saw parked there whether it was blocking the invisible sidewalk or not. I was up there for about half an hour. For parking tickets. The judge was laughing a bit and finally asked me to approach. He asked me if he dismissed all the tickets and told the cop to stop, would I stop asking questions and leave the court. I agreed.
The next week my girlfriend went in with her stack of tickets and I tagged along. It was the same judge and the same cop. They were both looking at me. As we walked in, I said, “Watch this, baby. I’m going to make the judge dismiss the tickets.” When it was her turn to argue, I walked up with her. She said, “Your Honor, I...” Before she could finish, the judge said “Tickets are void. Next case.”
I was proud. She was baffled at the black magic I’d just sprinkled on her.
18. Oye
Once while I was attending court, I watched in absolute bemusement as a defendant turned to his lawyer during his trial and blatantly exclaimed, "Yeah, I stole the car, but you said that you would convince him I didn't do it!" He said this in front of everybody, loud and clear. I still facepalm whenever I think about it.
19. Spinning Wheels or Spinning Lies?
I'm not a lawyer, but a friend's sister went to court over a moving violation. She's an engine tuner and had built herself a beautiful first gen Mitsubishi Eclipse with 6 or 700 horsepower at the wheels. This car, inevitably, attracted the attention of the local law enforcement, who pulled her over with no fewer than eight cruisers after some slightly aggressive acceleration around a left turn.
During cross-examination, she asked the officer who'd made the call and why exactly she had been pulled over. “I heard the engine revving, and I saw you spinning the tires and sliding around the corner.” “To be clear, officer, which tires were spinning?” “The rear tires.” “So I was spinning the rear tires, and it was the back end that swung out?” “Yes ma'am, that's correct.” “And you're sure that's what you saw?” “Clear as day, ma'am. The light turned green, you stepped on the gas, and the rear tires broke loose under power.” “The rear tires broke loose under power? There's no doubt in your mind that's exactly what happened?” “None at all.”
To which, she finally concluded with, “Your honor, this officer is either lying or hallucinating. My car is front wheel drive.”
20. No, You May Not
I’m still a law student, and this happened during my first internship at a court. The prosecution was charging a girl alongside other people with drug possession. However, before officers could successfully detain her, she managed to throw her drugs away. This meant that no one could prove that she’d bought or owned the drugs because they technically could have belonged to one of the other people in the group.
During her trial, the judge ended up ruling in dubio pro reo because there just wasn’t enough evidence against her. The judge then inquired if she wanted to say anything. Unbelievably, this girl decided to ask then and there if she could get HER drugs back. The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a heart attack.
21. The Mister Softee Defense
I once got out of a noise violation ticket. I was driving around and had my music in my car up. Cop pulls me over, gives me a ticket for the noise violation. It wasn't even that loud—you couldn't really hear it from outside the vehicle, but I guess my windows were down. I go to court. My defense was, “If the ice cream man can drive around blaring that creepy music, I can listen to my radio.”
The judge tried to keep a straight face, but I got out of the ticket.
22. Someone Should Have Told Him
I once watched as a lawyer verbally ran through the evidence against the guy he was defending, trying to claim there wasn’t enough even to call a trial. Everything was going totally fine until he proclaimed, “I believe a more seasoned judge wouldn’t have let this trial move forward.” The lawyer didn’t know that the judge had already given the okay to move forward with the trial. He'd just insulted the judge. The judge immediately gave him a hard “motion denied.”
23. Justice Prevails
My mother left my dad and hooked up with this piece of crap who would beat her. She had him arrested and got a restraining order. He called her one day from the hospital and said he was jumped while riding a bike and if she didn’t take him back he would say she did it. A few months later, she is in court after he claimed his injuries were from her beating him with a frying pan.
He doesn't show up. The judge asks his attorney where he is and the attorney asks if they can reschedule because he is temporarily indisposed. My mother chimes up, “He is probably in jail again.” The judge just straight up asks his attorney if he is in jail. The attorney responds, “Yes.” The judge immediately dismissed the case.
24. He Was Three Shades To The Windmill
I worked as a paralegal in a firm specializing in land use litigation and real estate. Another paralegal’s husband got a DWI, and as a favor to her, one of the partners offered to defend her husband in court. This is a small town with a landmark windmill in the center. Well, this paralegal’s husband’s DWI stemmed from him crashing his car into the windmill. It made the local paper's front page, with reporters at the arraignment—the whole nine yards.
So, the law partner tells the husband that when the judge asks him how many drinks he had before his accident, he should tell her that he had three. The husband then proceeds to stand in front of the judge and say that he only had three...cases. The whole room started laughing, and he ended up serving some time in prison.
25. Pushing Up a Case
As a young attorney, I had stated a claim that an insurance company was dragging out a case in bad faith, in hopes that my elderly client would die before they had to pay him. I was requesting that the trial date be given priority due to my client's advanced age. The judge was no spring chicken himself and seemed skeptical when he asked exactly how old my client was, maybe thinking that he was in his 70s and must merely seem ancient to a baby lawyer like me.
When I responded that my client was 92 years old, and that the case had already gone on for five years, the judge was visibly shocked. He immediately granted my motion for priority, completely shutting down the insurance company's attorney's attempt to respond. They wrote us a check for a million dollars the next week.
26. Message Mix-Up
I once worked at a company that found out a lawyer was trying to arrange a class action lawsuit against us before it ever got off the ground. We found out because this lawyer attempted to email her client but accidentally emailed us instead. She completely destroyed every element of surprise they had for their case; the email contained all the lawsuit details.
27. A Pretty Embarrassing Mix-Up
I was representing a woman with a severe neck injury. Opposing counsel presented a test result that showed her cervical exam was normal. I felt almost bad when I pointed out he had the wrong cervical area in mind…
28. Weeding Out The Source
I’m an attorney, and I heard about a hearing that involved multiple defendants brought together before the judge. At some point, the judge noticed a strong pot smell in the courtroom and asked if any of the defendants had pot on them. Initially, no one came forward, and the judge proceeded, but the odor grew stronger and stronger.
Finally, the judge demanded the perpetrator to come forward. One of them eventually admitted to having several bags on him. I’m not sure what the charges were before him that day, but I wouldn’t want to have been his attorney. Imagine not only learning that your client decided to bring multiple bags of weed with him to court but then having to watch in horror as he admits it to the judge. Oof.
29. Correctly Questioning a So-Called Expert
I was a second-year associate and handling my first trial. I represented the plaintiff. The defendant had an expert witness who had testified previously in about 40 similar cases. This expert came out to my client's property and did a completely BS examination of the issue and his expert report was equally BS. For those of you that don't know, expert testimony needs to meet a certain standard in order to be admissible. This guy basically took some photos and put a ruler on the ground a few times to make his “report” seem legit.
The partners at my firm told me it wasn't worth trying to file a Daubert motion to strike his report/testimony because the case was low-value (under $100k) and those types of motions can be very complex, so they didn’t want to bill the client for it. I was so angry with this guy being deemed an “expert” that I came in on a weekend, on my own time, and drafted a 20-page motion to strike his testimony. I didn't bill the client a dime.
The defendant didn't file a response to my Daubert motion to strike. Instead, they waited until right before the expert was set to testify (he had been sitting in court racking up fees for two full days beforehand). The judge had the jury leave the room, put the expert on the stand, and allowed the defendant to do a direct examination of their expert.
The defendant's attorney, not taking my motion seriously, had their inexperienced associate (just like me) do the examination. It was incredibly basic and didn't respond to any of the points in my motion. I was in charge of doing his cross exam (it was my first cross exam of a witness, ever). I tore the guy, a seasoned expert witness, apart on the stand. I got his entire testimony and report struck.
They also had a second expert witness, who was pretty terrible but not quite as terrible. I also did his cross exam. Realizing that they were in serious trouble without their primary expert, and their second expert at risk of getting struck, the lead counsel for the defendant (a named partner at a well-known firm) did the direct exam for the second expert. I again did the cross. I got the second expert's testimony struck except for one very, very tiny area. So essentially he was forced to testify with both hands tied behind his back.
It was the most gratifying moment of my legal career so far.
30. No Bueno
Someone my brother once knew went to court for his arraignment. While he was there, he watched as the judge read a man's charges ahead of him. The judge asked the man, “Mr. Gonzalez, how do you plead?” Mr. Gonzalaz answered, "No hablo inglés." The judge paused, then asked him, “Mr. Gonzalez, do you understand a word I’m saying?” Mr. Gonzalez repeated, "No hablo inglés."
Incredulous, the judge inquired, “Mr. Gonzalez, am I to understand that this whole time, no one has bothered to get a translator for you?” Again, Mr. Gonzalez responded, "No hablo inglés." Defeated now, the judge remarked, “Well...I guess, if you can’t understand what you’re charged with, we’ll have to drop all the charges.”
Mr. Gonzalez then hastily answered, "Gracias, señor," and walked out. That's when it dawned on her. Mr. Gonzalez could understand English after all. Realizing the facade, the judge quickly shouted, "Get back in here!" and ordered that he return. Mr. Gonzalez nearly got away with it.
31. Not a Good Place to Lie About Your Priors
My sister got T-boned by a car, causing a concussion, when I was younger. Long story short, we were in court with the judge, who asked the driver if he had ever sped before. “No, your honor, I never speed” was his reply. The judge asked him a couple more times if he was sure, if he never sped. Ever? The driver was adamant that he never sped and never had before.
A few minutes later, my sister's lawyer gave the judge some paperwork. She read it, and said to the driver, “It seems that you have some past driving violations. Can you tell me what they are for?” He looked down, "............ speeding." The driver had to pay medical bills for my sister.
32. Don’t Help Me
I used to be an officer and spent a lot of time in court. This guy was up for a DWI. He began relating his side of the story by telling the judge he “only had two bottles of vino.” His lawyer was desperately trying to get him to stop talking, but the defendant yelled, “Don’t interrupt me!” Agreeing with the lawyer, the judge intervened and said, “I think you should take a moment to listen to your attorney.”
But the guy couldn’t be stopped. Rather than heeding the judge’s advice, the guy snapped back, “Don't tell me what to do. I’m not a darn child!” Well, okay then. The judge just smiled, leaned back, and said, “By all means, continue.” Unsurprisingly, it went badly for him.
33. The Perfect Judge for the Case
I'm relatively junior so I'm hoping to beat this one day. I defend professionals and brought a motion to dismiss a case on the basis that the plaintiff could not prove my client was negligent as she had not served the required expert evidence. As opposing counsel and I waited for our motion to be heard, we were sitting in the courtroom. The judge, who I did not know and who had not read our materials, wanted to talk to the parties of a short trial which was to be heard after our motion was argued. That matter was also a professional negligence matter and the plaintiffs had no expert support.
The judge then spent 10 minutes explaining that he had practiced in professional negligence for many years and was well versed in the evidentiary requirements to prove the elements of professional negligence. In fact, he said, “I very rarely use the word impossible in this courtroom, but it is impossible for you to be successful without expert evidence.”
Our matter was then called and I reveled in explaining to the judge that he was about to hear a motion to dismiss a professional negligence case on the basis that the plaintiff had no expert evidence. I won.
34. Out Of Bounds
My grandfather was a big-time lawyer back in the day for an oil company. One time, the federal government tried to assert its dominance over the company by launching a case against them. But my grandpa was ready for the challenge. He showed up to court and stoutly announced that they had no jurisdiction in this case. Somewhat taken aback, the judge asked him, “I’m a federal circuit court judge, the highest judge around. How can this be out of my jurisdiction?”
Smoothly, my grandfather answered, “The oil in question was drilled in Texas, refined into gasoline in Texas, and sold in Texas gas stations. Since it never crossed state lines, interstate commerce never happened, so the federal government has no jurisdiction.” So there. The judge agreed with him and closed the case. It really angered the guys from Washington!
35. Important Insider Information
I’m a corporate lawyer, so I don’t have cases to rest, but once opposing counsel was forcefully insisting that it was ridiculous for me to expect a certain provision in a contract we were negotiating, and I pointed out that this provision was standard in his own firm’s contract forms, as I knew from several prior transactions I’d worked on across from them. Pretty exciting stuff.
He took it in stride and said jokingly, “Well, of course it’s fine when we ask for it.”
36. Don’t Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth
This one is a head-shaker. I was present for an accused individual's sentencing after a common suggestion by both the crown and defense attorneys. Things were going fine until the time came to calculate the total amount of days the defendant would serve according to each infraction. This is where things suddenly took an odd turn.
The defense attorney began to argue that the crown attorney had her numbers wrong and insisted that the sentence was actually supposed to be 75 days LONGER than what was about to be agreed upon. Huh!?! It was a surreal moment. The defendant’s jaw just dropped in disbelief.
37. A Really Dumb Plaintiff
I represented a company that was sued for breach of contract by a former independent contractor. Dude basically alleged that my client wasn’t paying him correctly in accordance with the contract. During his deposition, the plaintiff admits that he never reviewed any documents to make sure his allegations were true, never reviewed his complaint before filing it to make sure the allegations in it were true, and had no idea whether or not my client actually failed to pay him in accordance with the contract.
Basically, he tells me that he was suing my client because he didn’t think their agreement was fair, even though he agreed to the terms when he signed the contract. The kicker is that he admitted that he owed my client money. At arbitration, he tries to flip his story and starts giving testimony that is the exact opposite of his deposition, so I whip out his transcript and undermine his testimony bit by bit. Needless to say, I won that case.
38. Nice Try
I was an expert engineer witness at a deposition defending a contractor who also happened to be an engineer himself. The plaintiff claimed the defendant was liable both as an engineer as well as the contractor. The defendant argued that he was indeed the contractor, but that didn’t mean he was the engineer for the project just because he was one.
After six hours of headache-inducing questioning, the plaintiff’s lawyer finally pulled out a letter written and certified by the contractor that clearly stated, “I am the engineer for the project.” He then sat back and basically had a “let’s see what you got to say now” look on his face. Long story short, the defendant lost.
39. When Your Client Lets You Down
I was on the losing end of this one. I was representing a pro bono defendant who was attempting to regain custody of her children. The Family Division attorney was laying out his case to the judge for why my client wasn’t ready, and his final point was that my client had refused emotional counseling to avoid violent fits of rage that she had inflicted on her children.
On cue, my client jumps up screaming a stream of really vile obscenities at the judge. I just caught the opposing attorney’s smirk of satisfaction as I got up to usher my client out of the courtroom.
40. Time To Face The Music
I once observed a memorable case where the plaintiff’s attorney inexplicably decided that it would be a good idea to play Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” as his closing argument. Seriously. Rather than summarizing his case's details, he opted to just awkwardly play the song in a feeble attempt to evoke an emotional response from the jury. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work.
41. Never a Bright Idea to Assume
Opposing counsel decided that I had coached my witness, gave him lines to repeat, and that he was lying. Short version is that he asked the witness if he spoke to me before he testified. Witness said he had. Attorney looked like he thought he had me. Attorney asked the witness what I told him, what instructions I gave him. Witness looked him dead in the eye and said, “First thing he told me was to tell the truth no matter what. He said the lawyer is never the one who goes to jail, that he isn’t going to jail for me, and if I lie, I’m on my own.” Attorney looked like someone took the air out of him. Everyone in the courtroom simultaneously looked at me.
Only time I’ve smirked or laughed in court. I wanted to put my feet up on the table like I was Vincent LaGuardia Gambini, hands behind my head, and say, “I’m done with this guy.”
42. In Case It Wasn’t Clear
I was sitting in court, waiting for my turn. One of the cases ahead of mine was a littering case. During his testimony, an officer said he saw the defendant throw a clear wrapper from a pack of gum out of his car window. Although it’s seldom a good idea, the accused decided to defend himself. He then called his girlfriend to take the stand.
He asks her, “Did I throw a gum wrapper out the window?” His girlfriend replies, “No, you did not,” with this huge grin on her face. The defendant is now also grinning and goes, “What did I throw out the window?” To which she triumphantly answered, “It was the plastic wrapper from your smokes!” The guy rested his case right there.
He literally thought he would get off because the officer couldn’t properly identify the clear plastic he’d just admitted to throwing out the window. He was wrong.
43. Tell Your Lawyer Everything
I was on the losing end of this one. I represented a guy who had bought a company and the company failed spectacularly within months due to a number of reasons I could attribute to the seller. They had clearly lied about the company’s finances to induce him to buy. I was suing to rescind the deal, have your crappy company back and give my guy his money back.
I laid out my huge case and thought I had it in the bag, and then opposing counsel asked my guy, “Isn’t it true that you listed this business for sale a month ago?” “Yes.” “And you did sell it correct? You signed a purchase and sale?” “Yes but he never finished paying me, he has more payments to make. I’ll just give his money back when you guys give me my money back.”
My idiot client had me suing over a company that he had legally sold. The idiot never told me. Game over on the spot.
44. Smart Judge
I saw a lawyer schedule a preliminary trial on a non-offender court date usually reserved for family or traffic issues. The lawyer insisted that not doing so would violate his client’s right to a speedy trial. Whatever, the judge allowed him to do it. Except, it turned out the judge permitted it because he knew the lawyer would be late. He was always late.
The accused was in custody and needed to be transported about two hours out of town to attend this court case. So, when the inmate arrived at court on the scheduled day, the lawyer was—you guessed it—late. The judge immediately instructed the clerks not to contact the lawyer’s office, and he started looking at his watch.
After about 10 minutes, the judge called it, and we out processed the defendant back to his transport vehicle. Ironically, just as the prisoner was moving off the property, the lawyer pulled into the parking lot. The judge then called for a closed-door session between himself and the lawyer. Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation...
45. We Need to Talk About Kevin
I do mostly solicitor work so if I'm doing my job right I don't get a whole lot of these type of moments. That being said, I had a long-time client who was being sued and I got to shut down the guy suing him in a very satisfying way. So my client had hired a guy, we will call Kevin, as basically the right-hand man for his company.
The employment contract wasn't done yet, but they had an agreement that Kevin would work six weeks at a lower wage and then sign the contract and get the agreed upon wage. So the guy works decently for five weeks and then is given the contract to sign. He comes back to the owner (my client) and says that he has some small changes he would like to make.
When the owner gets the contract back he finds that the “small changes” involve removing the "Duties and Responsibilities" section (basically the job description) and the non-compete/confidentiality clause. Not only that, but he has written in a higher salary than agreed and added a bunch of new benefits for himself.
Obviously, my client tells him that he can either sign the contract as it was originally laid out or he can find himself another job. He takes the latter option. But he starts a lawsuit against the owner, wanting to be paid for the six weeks he was supposed to work (which had already been paid), two weeks in lieu of notice, and FIVE weeks vacation pay.
I got the enjoyable job of telling Kevin, in front of a judge, that he was not entitled to anything under the employment legislation and the only way he could get any of that would be if he had signed the contract. Judge dismissed the case and awarded costs to the defendant, but not before giving Kevin a lecture on wasting the court's time.
46. Pay Attention in School
While I was in court, a defendant apprehended for warrants asked the judge for bail. He tells the judge that he moved and that no one had served him with the warrants. Now, there’s some question as to his identity. The judge asked the defendant where he was born, and he answered, “Puerto Rico.” The judge quizzed him, “Where in Puerto Rico?” The defendant said, “San Juan.”
Next, the judge inquired, “When were you last in San Juan?” The defendant replied, “A couple of years ago.” Finally, the judge challenged the defendant by asking, “How did you get there?” To which, the defendant confidently answered, “I went on the Amtrak.” The judge smirked and denied his bail. When you flunk geography, it’s for a long time.
47. Not Wise to Keep Committing the Same Infraction That Got You in Trouble
I represented a man in a slip and fall case in a national chain that grills chicken. The restaurant is not supposed to clean the grills until after they close because it is a huge sloppy mess that involves using a garden hose after applying chemicals to remove all of the grease. The close down process can take up to two to three hours that involve packing up the food for the next day, scrubbing the grills, mopping, etc.
Even though the corporation knew this, they refused to pay more than one hour worth of wages after closing time. Thus, the shift managers and cooks decided that they would start the closing process two hours before closing while there were still customers in the restaurant. This is really dangerous as employees delivering food can track the greasy water into the lobby where the customers were.
On one fateful day, two hours before closing, one of the cooks was cleaning the grills and using the hose to wash them down. This slurry is so slick that the cook has to wear a plastic smock and slip resistant shoes for the process. While he was waiting for the chemicals to remove the grease, which takes about 15 minutes, the cook goes into the lobby, tracking this stuff into a hallway, to wipe down some tables.
My client walks out of the restroom and slips in the greasy water. He hits his head so hard that it causes a subdural hematoma, which requires surgery to relieve the swelling and blood from the brain. Go figure, the video system wasn't working that day. In any case, right after that, the cook was fired and the corporation claimed that they could not locate him during litigation.
I did some research and found a relative of the cook, which eventually led to me finding him. He admitted that he was cleaning the grill, but denied that he was the one that tracked the greasy water into the lobby, as did all of the other employees. The corporation during the entire three-week trial testified that cleaning before closing was against their policy and it NEVER happens. Thus, it had to be anything else that caused my client to fall.
I was talking to the cook before trial because we were going to call him as a witness. He was angry that they fired him. I asked, “Do you think they are still cleaning before closing because they are denying that they do?” He told me, “Absolutely.” On the first day of trial, I sent my investigator to the restaurant at the time my client was injured, which was two hours before closing, to record video on his cell phone whether they were cleaning or not.
Well, guess what, they had the hose out and everything. I absolutely could not believe that they would continue to do this at the restaurant at issue in the case. I told my investigator to go back up there when there was a different shift manager and cook to see if they were doing the same thing. Unsurprisingly, they were.
At the end of the trial, the defense put on their general manager for the region. He swore up and down that this never happens. He was their last witness. We get up and say, "Judge we need a sidebar." In the judge's chambers, we revealed the videos to the other side. The attorney for the corporation was freaking out. The judge let it in for rebuttal.
The last thing the jury saw before going into deliberations was five minutes of video with audio of the hose as they were cleaning the grills two hours before closing. We completely wiped out their entire defense in a three-week trial with that video. Needless to say, we prevailed. I should add, using sub rosa video against a defendant like this is very rare. They usually stop doing what they are not supposed to be doing during the trial. I guess the restaurant didn't get the memo.
48. Shady Solicitor
I was still in law school working for a solo practitioner part-time. We had this divorce case where the husband got caught cheating. The couple’s only marital asset was their bank account, which the wife cleaned out to pay for her attorney's fees. There was absolutely no reason for her to spend that much money on an attorney. As a result, the wife’s attorney inflamed her client to fight on every little issue possible to earn the full retainer.
Now, our client was also stupid. He didn't pay the court-ordered temporary child support, and because of that, he had to pay some of her attorney's fees. Eventually, we were all given a court date to resolve any remaining arguments. We prepared to argue that our client would pay the support order but that the wife owed back half the bank account amount.
We get in front of the judge, and the opposition tried to argue that the wife used the money to pay for her new place and moving fees. At that exact moment, we knew we'd won. What they were saying was a complete lie; we had the financial statement showing that nearly the entire amount went towards the wife’s lawyer's retainer. We showed it to the judge, and the proof was in the pudding.
The judge then turned around and faced the attorney. She told the attorney that her signature was on the financial statement, meaning that she was either lying on the statement or lying to the judge. The judge told the attorney to think very carefully about her next words and that, in her own opinion, the wife needed to pay half the money back.
The other attorney went quiet, asked for a recess, and then completely changed her resolution position. We had her back to the wall because she knew that this could amount to a bar complaint if we wanted to make one. After all, she’d made a false statement to the tribunal. We got our client back all his money, and he got to claim his child for the next five years on his taxes.
I honestly felt bad for the wife; she had absolutely no clue how badly her attorney was screwing her over financially and with the case. This, among other things, is why I refuse to practice family law.
Flickr, Marco Verch
49. A Clever Motion
When I was in law school, I had to argue a case for an exam. I was the last in my class to go so there wasn't anyone arguing against me. I opened with a motion to dismiss since opposing had failed to show. The judge grading me chuckled and said, “touché counsel.” I still had to go forward, but we got off on the right foot and I ended up with an A.
50. Oops
This one’s a definite fail. While I was working as a law clerk, a defendant wrote to the judge to explain that the two bongs found on his car's floorboard did not belong to him; they were actually his girlfriend’s. He claimed that he was too afraid to speak up earlier because she was on Section 8, which forbids drugs.
Mind you, he was on probation at the time the officers pulled him over, and it didn’t matter who owned the bongs because he was still in violation of his probation for possession of drug paraphernalia. In other words, his attempt to get his charges dismissed not only screwed over his girlfriend, but it also confirmed IN WRITING that he absolutely knew the bongs were in his car. Genius.
51. Curb Appeal
I had one where I pretty much knew the jury was on my side by the end. I had prepared my closing statement the night before so I was ready to go. There was a break where the jury was out before receiving their instructions. I noticed that the opposing counsel was writing his closing statement during that break and would likely continue while the judge was reading the jury instructions.
His table was a mess—papers and books everywhere. He was frantically scribbling on a notepad and shuffling through papers, adding things up in a phone calculator, etc. I decided to clear everything off of my table and put it out of sight. When the jury came back in, I just sat there with nothing but a brand new, clean yellow legal pad and a pen.
Opposing counsel was still scribbling and shuffling and his table was still a mess. I sat back and crossed my legs and pressed my fingertips together and listened while the judge read the instructions to the jury. I like to think that made a good final impression on the jury. They came back with a verdict fully in my favor.
52. Caught In The Act
My brother’s EMT instructor used to live in Chicago. This instructor had his license suspended for numerous traffic charges, including evading officers. But he forgot about his arraignment date until about an hour prior, so the fool hopped on his motorcycle and drove himself to court. After he arrived and the judge read his charges, the judge asked him how he got to court that day.
The instructor claimed that his brother gave him a ride. The judge responded, “Is that right?” The instructor replied, “Yes, your honor.” The judge then turned to the bailiff and asked, “Do you have that footage from parking deck three?” The court then proceeded to play CCTV footage of the instructor driving up to the courthouse without a license on the same bike they’d caught him on previously when he’d fled from pursuing officers.
Welp, there was no denying it now. Needless to say, his license remained suspended, and the judge told him he couldn’t go anywhere near the bike during that time. There was even a cop guarding it when he left.
53. Well, That Was Easy
When the guy being sued admitted, without being asked, that he wasn’t qualified to install an air-conditioner. He was being sued for defectively installing an air conditioner.
54. A Fashion Don’t
I work as a lawyer. One of the most significant ways I’ve seen someone mess up their own case occurred when I showed up to the court to defend my client, only to find that my client had arrived wearing the same dress she had on in the evidence video that showed her damaging her ex’s property. I mean, come on. You really do have to wonder what goes through people’s heads sometimes…
55. Seeing is Believing
I’m an attorney in Southern California. My client was charged with being under the influence of a controlled substance. Officer is going through the usual signs and symptoms. Cop testifies that both of client’s eyes were red and bloodshot. Testifies that both pupils were dilated and moved slightly to exposure of light. In my opening, I had hinted that the officer will testify to some falsehoods.
The client gets up on the stand and pops one of his eyes out. My client had a fake eye that could obviously not be bloodshot or have pupil dilation. He was found not guilty.
56. Proxy Plaintiff
I know of a case where a landlord didn’t want to sue for eviction under her name because she collected rent in cash and didn’t declare it while her building was in foreclosure. So, she somehow managed to convince her accountant to sue her tenants in his name for her. Apparently, the accountant thought there was such a thing as a client-accountant privilege.
So, the accountant shows up to eviction court with the tenants. Obviously, his name is not attached to the building or the leases in any way. The judge questioned him about it, and the accountant swore he could get the landlord on the phone to vouch that he’s "authorized" to do this in her name. But nope, that’s not how it works, buddy.
You can't borrow someone else's name to sue someone if you're trying to do illicit things under your own name. Realizing the accountant was not the real landlord, the judge dismissed the case with no prejudice.
57. Putting On the Charm Offensive
I once had an appeal where the precedent, all from other circuit courts, was very bad for me. The circuit court I was arguing in front of had a decision that was very good for me, but it was “unpublished” (meaning that it was not precedential). My goal was to convince the court to follow its unpublished decision, not the decisions of the other circuits.
During my argument, I cited the unpublished decision. One of the judges interrupts me and asks, “But wasn't that decision unpublished?” I answered, “Yes, but it was well-reasoned.” He replied with a self-effacing quip, “I was on the panel for that decision, so it couldn't have been that well-reasoned.” The audience laughed a bit.
I answered quickly, “In that case, your honor, it was at least well-written!” The audience (and all the judges) burst into laughter. I ended up winning in a published decision, which turned the old unpublished decision into binding precedent! A bit of humor can go a long way in the courtroom. Especially when you're flattering the judges.
58. Bad Judgement
I am a lawyer now, but this happened when I was in law school, and we had to watch actual court cases in the local district court. A guy stood accused of destroying some stuff his neighbor owned. After a complicated plea by his lawyer about how some evidence was inadmissible, the prosecution could not prove the defendant was guilty.
The judge agreed with the defense, delivered the verdict, and acquitted the guy. What happened next was just bewildering. Much to the exasperation of his lawyer, the defendant then got up, walked toward the judge as if to shake his hand, and said, “Thank you, your honor, I’ll never do it again.” The prosecutor then quasi-jokingly said, “Appeal.”
59. A Tough Look For My Guy
I’m not a lawyer, but I was in traffic court one time and saw a lawyer straight-up murder a cop with words. The cop had previously testified that the weather on the night of the traffic stop was heavy rain and winds so strong that the defendant could only open his window three inches, and that the car had stopped on an area with very little shoulder, forcing the cop to approach from the passenger side, not the driver side. The cop had then testified that he smelled a strong smell of alcohol on the defendant's breath.
When the defense lawyer got up, he repeated what the cop had said almost verbatim and asked how he could have possibly smelled alcohol on the breath of someone on the other side of the car, through a three inch crack in the window, on a night with pouring rain and strong winds. The cop sort of opened and shut his mouth a few times, squirmed around in his seat, and said, “That's just what I always write in my log, to remind me that it was a DUI stop.”
The judge threw the case out. No motion to dismiss needed. Then he took a break and called the traffic prosecutor and the cop into his office. I'm guessing it wasn't for a nice spot of tea and some scones.
60. Always Follow Protocol
I worked for a barrister who turned up to a hearing and discovered that the opposing counsel had secretly contacted the judge’s chambers with a whole bunch of information about the case. That’s a horrendous breach of professional ethics. Barring special circumstances, one of the very, very basic rules of litigation is that you always file stuff with both the judge and the opposing counsel.
But the opposing counsel neglected to share all the details. So, during the hearing, my barrister just shrugged his shoulders at the judge when asked if he knew about the information. The judge then spent the rest of the hearing tearing the opposition apart. Thanks to their own thoughtlessness, they lost an absolutely unloseable case.
61. An Incredible Plot Twist
My client just needed to not lose her housing, I was trying to get her on one-year probation (but would agree to two) instead of termination. On the day of the hearing, I had six summer associates come with me, each carrying huge binders. When my hearing was about to begin, I had them all bring them in and set them in front of me.
The opposing lawyer was a very overworked NYC housing attorney who had budgeted an hour that day for my hearing. She instantly goes, “What is this?” I told her it was my arguments. She said she didn’t have the time. I started off on a two-minute opening I had prepared. then grabbed one of the binders and she was like. “Let me stop you there. What do you want?” I said three months probation, she countered with a year, ended up agreeing on six months.
The binders were all empty.
62. Maybe Whisper Next Time
I worked as court staff in a hearing that involved a guy accused of robbing a grocery store. The defendant’s lawyer argued that they could not identify the man in the surveillance camera footage as his client. While the court played the footage, the defendant leaned over to his lawyer and loudly asked, "Do you think they can tell that's me in the video?" Yup, I think they can tell now…
63. Not a Good Idea to Say Something Dumb Over the Radio
My client and his wife were woken up one night because people were trying to break into his house. He fired two warning shots as his wife called 911. The neighbor also called 911. When the police got the neighbor's call that there were shots fired, the police sergeant radioed the other officers and said, “He's going to jail tonight,” referring to my client.
So obviously, even with signs of someone trying to break in and his wife calling 911 for help, the officers arrest my client for endangering his wife by shooting inside the house (nowhere near her). It gets to a jury trial and I start to go off on the police sergeant about why she would say that before an investigation and before she even had any idea what happened.
The sergeant had no idea how to respond and literally just sat there staring at me for a solid two minutes before saying anything. Even the bailiffs were audibly laughing.
64. Silence Is Golden
I went to court over a ticket. The lady in front of me was there for a DWI-related hit-and-run. The judge had to assign a lawyer for her because she was so shook that she quit her job. When the judge asked the prosecuting attorney for details on the case, this lady legit piped up with, "You mean that car I hit while I was intoxicated?"
She’d just implicated herself. The poor judge just stopped, took his glasses off, and said, "Everything is recorded in this courtroom. I told you not to talk to anyone about your case except the attorney that I assigned for you." You could tell he was ready to walk out of the room with the level of stupidity this lady showed.
65. Remember, Remember the Fifth of May
It was a lawsuit against the owner of a Mexican restaurant for not paying his employees and keeping the waiters' tips. He was just a terrible all-around guy. He created these fake handwritten schedules and payroll records going back years to try and prove that his employees didn't work but a few hours each week and were paid for what they did work. It was difficult to prove they were fakes, but we managed to trap him during his deposition.
I made the guy go through random bits of his work schedule and asked him to confirm they were correct. We did a random week in February, March, April...then we got to May. “So here in early May, you had two servers working every night, one hostess, one bartender, and two cooks?” “Yes.” “And that didn't fluctuate. You didn't have a need for extra staff on, say, weekend nights?”
“No. It was very steady no matter the day.” “What about on this Wednesday? How much staff did you need?” “Just the two servers, my hostess, the bartender, and two cooks. The same as every other night.” “And if you would indulge me, what date are we looking at?” “May 5th.” “Okay. So it's your testimony under oath that you had the same staffing needs on May the 5th as you did on May 4th and May 6th.” “Yeah.”
Opposing counsel's head begins to hang while shaking. “So you are comfortable telling the judge you didn't do extra business on May 5th.” “Yeah. Or June 17th or whatever date you pick. It was always steady.” “You have no problem walking into court and telling the judge and the jury, under oath, that your Mexican restaurant didn't need any extra help on May 5th. That these schedules and payroll records you've produced are 100% accurate. For Cinco de Mayo? You are totally comfortable with doing that?"
“Yeah, I... Oh.” The case settled within a week.
66. Always Read The Fine Print
I observed court once, and I watched a prosecutor proceed against a self-represented individual for breaching a condition in his probation order. During the trial, the prosecutor brought in a probation officer as a witness and proceeded to question him about the offense. It was the only evidence the prosecutor had to go on.
This next detail is where the whole case fell apart. The prosecutor argued that the accused never fulfilled his conditions before his probation ended because he never completed counseling. Even though the self-represented defendant cross-examined the witness poorly, neither the prosecutor nor the probation officer could establish that the defendant really had breached his probation order.
You see, the wording in the probation order said the defendant needed to complete counseling AS DIRECTED. As it turned out, the probation officer never directed the defendant to attend counseling and then breached him for failing to do something he never told him to do. The judge agreed with the defendant’s point, got very angry, and talked down to the prosecutor. The defendant won.
67. Caught Him Red-Fingerprinted
Back when I was a prosecutor, I had a defendant object that I couldn’t compel him to give a fingerprint sample for comparison. It’s how we proved prior convictions. Our expert would fingerprint the defendant outside the presence of the jury and in the presence of the jury compare fingerprints to the ones included on old judgments.
This is 101% BS because fingerprints aren’t testimony and can be compelled. But the judge for the day was actually buying the argument. So I stood up, told the judge I was applying for a search warrant and asked to be sworn in. She swore me in, I applied for a warrant, and she wrote out a warrant return for his fingerprints. No longer with a valid objection, the defendant was fingerprinted and, surprise surprise, his four prior felonies were indeed his. He’s serving life now.
His crime? Two weeks after getting out of prison, he bought some coke. Which he then mainlined. Which he then drove on. And while driving, ran a stop sign. When an officer tried to pull him over, he fled. And threw his coke and needles out the window, into a residential neighborhood. Where he crashed his car, into a house. When the officer got out to check on him, he tried to run the officer over.
The officer shot him in the chest, and then performed life-saving first aid until the paramedics could get there.
68. He Paid The Price
I don't practice family law, but I occasionally cover simple family law hearings for my colleagues. One time I went to family law court, and I saw a detained guy brought in for failing to pay child support. This guy vehemently denied the charges against him. But his explanation as to why he wasn’t guilty was ridiculous.
His defense was that he didn't pay child support because he didn't have the full amount to meet his payments. A sympathetic plight, yes, but he could have handled the problem so much better. He could have made partial payments, but instead, he just opted to pay nothing because it wasn’t the full amount, and then he admitted it to the judge while denying that he failed to make his payments. Like, bruh.
69. What are the Odds
When I was around 16, I worked as a test shopper, so I'd end up in court sometimes to testify that someone had sold me cigarettes. There was one time where a man was claiming he had sold me cigarettes because the compliance officers never tried to properly train him as a store owner. The officers told him they tried to call him several times, and he was being incredibly difficult to get a hold of. The officers even had a ridiculous amount of notes that described all the times they tried to contact him.
When they pointed out all this to him, his defense turned into, “I don't own a phone, so it was up to them to try something else to train me.” With absolutely perfect timing, his phone started audibly ringing in his pocket—the second he finished saying he didn't own one. Our side's lawyer is now a judge, and she still says that was one of the most perfectly timed things that's ever happened to her
70. Labor Of Lies
I once dealt with a worker’s compensation case where a client claimed he hurt his back falling off the side of his truck while putting a tarp over the load. The claim appeared legitimate because the hospital admitted him, and the doctors had provided him with medication to manage his pain. So, we pursued the case. But, as we later discovered, there was much more to this guy’s original story.
It turned out the company had a surveillance camera. The injury seemed fishy to the employer, so the company reviewed the recording of the incident. It turned out the idiot had climbed off the side of the truck, then laid down on the ground and started yelling for help. He made the whole thing up. It’s no wonder employers question work comp injuries. This guy ruined it for all of the legitimate claims.
71. Major Facepalm
My mom is a lawyer and was representing a black woman who was accused of stealing. My mother is also black and this is how it went down.
Plaintiff’s lawyer: “Please point out the accused.”
Officer: points at my mom
Mom: “I'm the lawyer, officer.”
Judge: dismisses case.
72. At Least He Was Honest
I served on jury duty once. During the trial, I watched as the judge asked the defendant how he pleaded on each count. On the first count, the defendant expectedly answered, “Not guilty.” But on the second count, he shocked everyone and randomly responded, "Guilty." His lawyer was like, "What!?" The defendant admitted, "Yeah, I did that one."
The court went silent, and the jurors tried and failed not to titter. The judge turned to the camera and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll come back to you in a moment." The monitor went blank. The whole jury pool had to be sent to another case because the defendant had just ruined this one.
73. Sound Legal Advice
I once litigated a case against a party who chose to represent himself...and I managed to have objections sustained against every single question he asked my client on cross-examination. When the other party realized he wasn't even going to be heard in this dispute that he had no doubt been thinking over and preparing for years, he just stood there in the well and actually wept.
Don't try to represent yourself, kids. Lawyers' knowledge on a lot of matters may be pretty superficial—but we know how proceedings in court go.
74. Riiight…
I once saw a man in court plead not guilty to possession of illicit drugs. Normally, this plea would have been perfectly acceptable, if not expected. Unfortunately, he decided to follow it up with something along the lines of: “Your honor, I’m not guilty, cause if I had known the fuzz were coming, I wouldn’t have had the drugs on me.” I don’t think the judge agreed with his logic.
75. Incredible Gamesmanship
Two high school kids spend their day pissing each other off so they decide to drive to a fast food restaurant to fight. They park, get out, immediately approach, and swing. Kid A connects the first blow squarely and solidity across Kid B and instantly drops him. The whole fight was one punch with a total elapsed time of a few seconds. The restaurant is sued for failure to protect its patrons.
The case is weak. Unfortunately, Kid B hit the pavement hard and had severe brain damage. Attempts were made to settle, but they were after millions. We knew walking in they had two former employees testifying about large crowds building up after school. The plaintiff attorney aimed to prove the restaurant had a reasonable expectation of trouble and should have had armed guards in the parking lot.
At best, their witnesses wildly exaggerating to the point of perjury. Their credibility was shaky in being highly disgruntled for being fired. We had a list of witnesses ready to refute their claims. At trial, the plaintiff attorney presented first. He spent a long time building up the bad blood between the kids, the serious damages of Kid B, and his potential earning capacity.
A lot of foundation work to build sympathy for his client. We break for lunch on day two, after which it would be the defense presentation. As we were talking through where we were and how we should proceed, we realized the restaurant was not really mentioned at all. Plaintiff held back his “star” witnesses to rebut the defense presentation the restaurant was safe. So when we reconvened, we say, “The defense rests your honor.”
The plaintiff attorney fell out of his chair. He begins frantically shuffling papers on his table and was stammering. The judge says, “I take it you will need a few minutes for your close?” After that break, the plaintiff's attorney gave one of the worst closing remarks I've ever heard. The jury’s verdict: Kid B 10% at fault. Kid A 90% at fault. Restaurant 0%.
76. Lie Of Omission
I participated in an unfair dismissal case. The client claimed his employer dismissed him without reason or following procedure. After we had already started the case, it came out that not only was he given three written warnings beforehand, but his company had also called him in for a disciplinary hearing before his dismissal. Don't lie to your lawyer.
77. Weird Flex, But Okay
We were in mediation on a case and were close to settling, but we were just far enough apart that it looked like it wasn't going to resolve. The mediator comes in and tells me the Vice President of the company I'd dealt with all this time, who was this like 270-pound burly guy who my associate swears resembled pro wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow, says he will arm wrestle me for the difference.
So essentially if he wins, we take his final number, if I win, he pays ours. The mediator, who is a character, says it's crazy but I should just do it! Then my client jumps in and says he wants to see this too and he doesn't care about the money. Now, I am 6'0 and 185 pounds, so I was going to have a severe weight disadvantage, but I have always been weirdly good at arm wrestling.
So I say, screw it, tell him it's on if he's serious. Mediator leaves, I put on some DMX and start bouncing around a bit to get worked up like a fighter about to enter a ring. Go into the room, we agree we are doing this, shake hands and get set up. The mediator is bouncing off the walls and we have my client and two other attorneys watching.
Mediator says "Go" and I just lock my arm and absorb this guy's initial push, then feel his arm give slightly when he realizes he isn't moving me and then I just go full force and had him down so fast my associate initially thought I lost. We shook hands again and went back to our caucus room, and my client was ecstatic that I not only did that for him, but I won too! The mediator came in still giddy saying it was the craziest thing he's seen in his career as a mediator.
He then said the guy is red-faced and frantically texting because he thinks he didn't have authority to pay that much and did not contemplate actually losing. However, sure enough and true to his word, minutes later we had the signed agreement. Then we went out for some drinks to celebrate, and within a day I became a legend in the office.
78. He Told The Truth
I once saw a case of child neglect where the guy fought the child's adjudication as being "neglected." He demanded a trial. So, yeah, we had a trial. The district attorney questioned him about his drug use and whether he thought his child deserved a sober parent. Then the DA asked, "Sir, when was the last time you used methamphetamines?" The defendant looked up and responded, "I ain't gonna lie. I'm high right now!"
79. It Hits the Fan
I worked at my local district attorney's office as a prosecutor when I was freshly minted lawyer. We had a special setting trial on a case that had been reset too many times. The week before, it became clear that this particular case was going to finally be tried. I was ready at the State's table waiting for defense counsel when he walks in and tells me he's going to ask for a continuance.
I'm pretty sure I laughed, thinking that it was never going to happen. So the judge walks in angry that he has to sit through another continuance request. Meanwhile, I get the aroma of something foul in the courtroom and I can't place where it’s coming from. The judge asks the defense attorney why he needs another continuance and the defense attorney pulls out his briefcase, opens it, and pulls out a ziplock bag with soiled underwear inside.
Turns out he defecated his pants that morning in court. He was an elderly attorney and was taking stool softeners. The continuance was granted, and in fact, the entire courtroom shut down for the day to allow maintenance time to clean and shampoo the seats he was sitting on. I have no idea what ended up happening in that case, I never tried it, maybe another prosecutor did, but this was one of my more memorable "I rest my case" stories that I've seen a lawyer pull off.
80. Just To Clarify
This happened during a trial for possession of marijuana. The defendant’s case initially went pretty well, all things considered. It was only toward the end that things suddenly took a bad turn. The defendant asked, no, demanded that he be allowed to take the stand. The judge agreed to let him, and the defendant approached.
Once there, before his counsel could ask him anything, he turned to the jury and said, “I’ve been trying to tell them I wasn’t going to smoke the weed. I was just trying to sell it!” The courtroom went silent. I am pretty sure the defense counsel practically fainted on the spot, and the prosecution immediately asked for a recess. Soon afterward, the guy was charged and later convicted of possession with intent to distribute.
81. A Crucial Clerical Error
I was in an accident a few years ago. It was definitely the other guy’s fault. He got a ticket for an unsafe left turn, and I got a ticket because I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. In the section on the ticket, the cop inadvertently wrote, “Did wear seatbelt while operating motor vehicle.” When I got to court, the judge asked how I wanted to plead.
I asked the judge if I could ask a question first, and he said sure. I stated, “The ticket says I did wear my seatbelt while operating my motor vehicle, and if that's the case, I want to plead guilty.” The judge looks down at the ticket, and looks back at me and says, “Case dismissed! Have a good day.”
82. A Rock Solid Defense
Years and years ago, my partner represented a plaintiff in a lawsuit to recover "stolen" property. The plaintiff alleged a neighboring farmer came on to his property and took some sizeable decorative limestone markers from his field without his permission. During the trial, the plaintiff was put on the stand and cross-examined. Little did anyone know that the defense attorney already knew an important detail that the plaintiff had failed to tell my partner.
The defense began by asking how large the stones in question were, and the plaintiff said they were hundreds of pounds. Next, the defense asked the plaintiff how he thought the defendant managed to carry them off his property, and the plaintiff matter-of-factly answered, “He pulled up in his truck and loaded them into the bed.”
Finally, at the apex of the trial, the defense attorney inquired, “Why do you think it happened that way?” The plaintiff’s reply? “Well, because I was there. I helped him load them.” My partner said that he almost grabbed all of his papers, threw them in his briefcase, and walked out right then and there. Naturally, the case came to a quick close after that.
83. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more pissed, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up.
Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket, and was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
84. Wow
I was in court as a witness, and the man charged with the offense was a right idiot. The defense attorney was trying his absolute best to defend him when the accused suddenly stood up during the trial and said, “Wait, you forgot the bit where I threw his wheelchair out the third-floor window!" His lawyer’s reaction was explosive.
He unleashed a litany of profanities at the accused as he explained that he had left that part out on purpose. Even more shockingly, his lawyer then began to furiously walk around the room while reading out his client’s various offenses before finally announcing, “My professional experience tells me this man should be put away for the next 80 years, AT LEAST!"
Then he turned and left the room. To be honest, he’s my spirit animal.
85. That Escalated Quickly
The complaining witness accused my client of harassment/stalking. My client claimed they were dating, but whenever she got mad at him, she'd call the police and say he was harassing her. On the stand, she testified that she'd never dated him, never invited him into her home, wanted nothing to do with him. She presented a photo on her phone of him sitting on her porch to prove that he had come to her property.
I asked the judge permission to look at the photos before and after the porch photo for context. Girl had dozens of photos of the guy, who was clearly her boyfriend. I showed her one such picture: This is Mr. So-and-so, right? (yes) In this photo, he's on a bed? (yes) The bed is yours? (yes) The bed is in your bedroom? (yes) You took this photo of him? (yes) He's smiling in the photo? (yes) And in this photo, he's wearing your brassiere? (yes)
No further questions, your honor.
86. Speedy Trial
Many drivers already know that most officers have a policy of not pulling people over for going less than five MPH (8 KPH) over the speed limit since that’s within the error of speed detectors. That’s not binding, of course, just best practice. But I saw a guy get up to defend himself on a speeding ticket, which I wholeheartedly support.
Unfortunately, this guy seemed to be under the impression that the “five MPH rule” was an actual law of some kind. He kept saying to the cop, “You admit I was only going five miles per hour over the speed limit?” and the cop kept agreeing with him. He really didn’t realize he was repeatedly admitting guilt. It was bad.
87. Booze Snooze
A friend of mine was a pretty well-known DWI lawyer in Westchester county before he passed. He had a client who was found asleep in his car, and the NYSP detained him for DWI. He was over the limit, and at that time, the keys had to be in the ignition for it to be considered a DWI. The car could be off, but the keys had to be in the ignition.
So, my buddy has the arresting trooper up on the stand and asks him three times if he's swearing under oath that he actually—with his own two little trooper eyes—saw the keys in the ignition of the car my buddy's client was "driving" at the time of the arrest. "Yes, counselor," the trooper says. According to my buddy, when a cop testifying in court calls an attorney "counselor," he means it insultingly. My friend gave him three tries to walk it back before nailing him: "You are aware that my client drives a Prius?" BAM! Case dismissed.
88. Happy Birthday To You
When I was 17, I was really into doing thievery runs with friends (thievery is bad!) and finally, after more than a year of shenanigans at various grocery stores and gas stations, someone follows me out and calls in my license plate number. Hilarity ensues because I'm driving my dad's car and they show up at my house.
They get directed to the friend's house I'm at, and the authorities crash our party, giving out lots of tickets for underage drinking. I was severely grounded until my Juvenile Court case which took place one month later. Between the incident and the court date, I had turned 18. I showed up to the building on time and saw all of the kids involved and their parents. I was actually the first called in.
They very quickly told me that I'd be seeing a parole officer around a hallway, which was scary. My parents and I sat down and she flat-out said that because I was an adult, they couldn't try me in juvenile court. I was asked to pay $60 and that was that. I couldn't believe it. None of the kids involved talk to me to this day.
While I only had to pay a tiny fine, they had to do drinking awareness classes and ~150 hours of community service and it created a huge rift which, to be fair, is for the best, as they were mega hooligans and I don't need that.
89. He Needed To Cool Off
A friend of mine is a defense attorney. He once told me about a time when he represented a guy with a lengthy record for assault. Basically, this guy took an A/C unit and threw it at his girlfriend. My buddy tells me he was somehow able to get this lunatic a plea deal for one-year probation and no prison time—a lucky break.
The judge is ready to accept the deal when he asks the defendant if he wants to say anything. The defendant responds, "Yeah, I don’t know why they charging me with assault. I never touched her. I just threw an A/C at her. This is BS." The judge immediately rescinded the plea deal because of the defendant's attitude and lack of remorse. It later went to trial, and he got a year in the slammer.
90. Jesus Preached Love And Kindness
In Arkansas, the prosecutor filed involuntary commitment against my neighbor who had come to believe he was Jesus Christ. Judge ruled against the commitment. The prosecutor asked how he could rule against committing someone clearly insane. The judge replied, “The law requires you to prove he’s a danger to himself or others and you didn’t do that...besides this Friday is Good Friday and he’s going to be locked away anyhow.”
91. Drunken Display
My client was in a custody battle, and the opposing party claimed he had a drinking problem. I inquired to him about the opposition’s accusation, but he denied it 1,000%. I had a “real talk” with him and asked him to be honest and not hide stuff from me. Still, he denied the claim, and we go to court. Of course, it didn’t go well.
During the cross-examination, the opposing party produced video evidence of him finishing work, driving to an abandoned parking lot to drink a few tallboys, and then picking up his kid from school—every single access visit. He not only didn’t tell me that, but he also forgot to mention that his ex’s brother owns a private investigator firm. Idiot.
92. Had He Only Known
My city has a rule requiring advance notice to the government for any hazards before the city is responsible for it. I learned about this when my roommate hit a bunch of concrete bags that had fallen off a DOT truck. On the freeway at night, he hit them at full speed. His car was totaled, but the city said, "Sorry, we are only liable if someone had given us advanced warning 30 days ago. We aren't responsible for driving hazards that fall off our trucks until then."
93. Immoral Motorist
I was the victim of a hit-and-run car accident. My leg was pretty mangled. Luckily, officers were able to apprehend the driver of the car. It turned out he was a rich kid who was driving his mum's convertible Porsche. Of course, he claimed that he was innocent and denied all knowledge of hitting me. Regardless, he still went to court to face charges.
At the trial, the prosecutor asked him how long he had been driving. His response was nothing short of brainless. He queried, “Do you mean how long have I been driving lawfully or unlawfully?” Of course, the judge went nuts, asking him why and when he had been driving unlawfully. His defense team just sat down in their chairs and shook their heads. The prosecution won the case.
94. It’s All In The Wording
I did an internship with a family law judge in law school that involved me sitting in on a lot of stuff. One divorced couple came in because the ex-husband wanted to lower his spousal support payments, due to his lowered income, great financial responsibilities, and the fact that his ex-wife was declining to seek paid employment, all of which sounds reasonable on the face. Then the truth came out.
It turned out that while his income had been lowered due to "cuts," his new wife, who technically worked as his "assistant" (and had done so prior to the divorce) was now making quadruple her salary, more than he ever had. He claimed that his ex-wife had "unpaid renters" living with her and could have money to survive if she charged them rent.
It turned out they were the couple's shared 18-year-old twins who were living at home having just graduated high school. He claimed that his ex-wife worked as a nanny for free by choice and should be getting paid for work elsewhere. The kids she watched for free were their three joint grandchildren from their eldest child, two of which were severely disabled.
He claimed that when he married his new wife, he gained over 15 new dependants, which was technically true, but those defendants were all in Mexico and included his new wife's grown siblings and their families, none of whom he had ever met. This dude was shocked when spousal support wasn't decreased even though he tried so hard to find himself a loophole.
95. Blind Witness
This incident was the cherry on top of a series of absurd events. In a nutshell, the opposing party's son—and presumably the party himself—lied about being blind to make himself seem even more sympathetic as a witness. We had no idea until he took the witness box. Luckily for us, he wasn’t very bright, and he slipped in his façade when he got there.
After making his way to the stand, the opposing counsel asked him to take the oath. Without thinking, he picked up the card and read it aloud in front of everybody. In light of the opposing party’s deceitfulness, the judge dismissed the whole thing in our client's favor shortly after. I was a trainee at the time, but my boss, who was in her late sixties then, said it was the most ridiculous case she'd ever handled.
96. It’s Easier To Ask For Forgiveness, Rather Than Permission
I was mediating a divorce in Virginia that got a little ugly and complicated. The female spouse was cheating on her well-off male spouse. The man found out and started the divorce proceedings. Because the woman had been caught cheating, she would get no spousal support. She did however find out about her own little loophole.
There’s a concept called condonation, which means if you sleep with someone after knowing they committed adultery, you have forgiven them and can get spousal support. Well, one night of text messages and a few photos later, forgiveness was achieved. The wife received a lucrative spousal settlement based on the new information.
97. Identity Crisis
This happened during an employment case. We go to the deposition of my client and get everything set up. The first question posed to my client is simple enough: "Please state your name." But instead of answering, my client immediately looks at me and asks, "Can we take a break?" We do, and she pulls me out into the hall. What she says next is jaw-dropping.
She tells me that she's been lying to me about her real identity. Apparently, she's a serial scammer and has changed identities seven times since the 90s. She thought the other attorneys had somehow figured it out, and that's why they’d asked her the name question. Um, excuse me? What???
98. Not Everyone Knows About Cars
A friend is an attorney in NY and got a case dismissed because the trooper perjured himself on the stand. Long story short, it came down to the trooper testifying in open court, under oath (obviously), that he'd witnessed that the key to the defendant's car was in the ignition when the trooper approached him.
My buddy asked the trooper two or three times if he was absolutely certain that he had seen the keys in the ignition and then asked the trooper what make and model the car was. It was a Toyota Prius. And this was the model that didn't have an ignition slot for the key, just a button.
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99. Be Careful What You Wish For
My client was a super-wealthy guy who was a top exec at a Fortune 500 company who was getting a divorce and it was rather nasty. This guy was pretty much set for life, he had a bunch of stock, houses, and assets in so many places. The ex-wife wanted everything she could possibly get. The husband came up with an idea that if she let him keep everything, he would give her half of his paycheck for the rest of his life.
She quickly agreed because his checks were huge and this also included any bonuses, which were in the millions. As soon as the paperwork was finalized, he quit his job and started to work part-time at a sporting goods store (I can't remember which one). He still had all of his assets so he would drive to work in a super expensive car.
The guy was set for life and didn't even need to work at all, but every Friday when he got his paycheck it made everything so worth it knowing his ex-wife would only be getting about $150 per week.
100. Justice Prevailed
I found it necessary to represent myself on a custody matter because my ex was physically harming our daughter. My daughter came to stay with me, and the day she arrived, she had a bruise on the side of her face. She told me her mother had sucker slapped her and bounced her face off the refrigerator door handle. I reported this to local law enforcement and CAS with no results.
Skip ahead to almost two years of making myself knowledgeable on court procedures and self-representation, and I knew that regardless of the issues, my ex could never resist the need to correct me. It was my ace in the hole—and it went perfectly. When I finally appeared in front of the Superior Court justice with my ex and her lawyer, the justice asked about my ex slapping my daughter. I informed him of the bruise on her face and that my daughter told me her mom slapped her.
My ex then went into a rage, yelling that she would never hit our daughter and that I was making this up to paint her out to be a bad mother. I looked at my ex and said, “Our daughter told me that you slapped her and bounced her face off of the booze cabinet.” Without missing a beat, my ex immediately corrected that it wasn't the booze cabinet; it was the refrigerator.
Her lawyer did a facepalm, and the court justice winked at me as he put it over for a final hearing to award me custody. Sweet justice.
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