Ominously Terrible Weddings
Does wedding day weirdness always lead to marital malfunction? According to these Reddit posters: yes, it does. These gut-wrenching wedding gone wrong stories work like a crystal ball: They eerily predict the end result—separation and/or divorce. These tales of nuptial nastiness are great to read—mostly because they happened at someone else’s wedding and not yours.
1. I…Sort Of…Do
The bride told me two days before that she found her fiancé annoying and that she didn’t like him and that he was AWFUL in bed. She was visibly, endlessly uncomfortable at the rehearsal wedding/dinner combo—and then it got worse. On the day-of, she sobbed the entire morning. She ended up not getting any makeup done cause she wouldn’t stop scream-sobbing.
She refused to get dressed, stalling the wedding for about 35 minutes. At the ceremony, she said 45 minutes of “vows” that she had prepared. It was nine pages of inappropriate vows to friends and family, his parents and sisters, none of them for her husband. She then almost didn’t say, “I do.” She managed to get a, “Uh, yeah, okay, yeah I do,” out of her almost a full 60 seconds after she was supposed to say anything.
I could go on for hours, but it was the most painful and awkward wedding I’ve ever been to. I’ve got my money on 10 months. We’re one month in.
2. Ghosted At The Chapel
As a wedding photographer, I have been to more than my share of weddings. I don’t know what happened with this one…but it was a little surreal. I sat down with the bride and groom and filled out the contract and then I got the deposit. The groom suddenly stood up, said forget it, and walked out. But I didn’t find out the dark truth until later. Two months later, to be precise.
That’s when I get told the wedding is off. Three months after that, the same bride called to rebook with—get this—a different groom—but the story doesn’t end there. The day of the wedding, I’m at the church. I’d gotten the final payment the week before. So, I’m waiting there and…no one shows. No one. Well, except for me and the DJ.
3. Bachelor Party Proposal
Not really a wedding moment as much as a bachelor party moment, but my ex got married to a woman two years ago from a super conservative religious family. We were still friends for the most part and I was surprised he asked me to be a groomsman but I figured, hey, it’s always good to be able to stay friends with your exes—that feels like mature growth and closure.
He got really wasted at the bachelor party and at one point asked me if I ever had any regrets about us breaking up. I said I had loved him but no—we had made the right decision in the long run. And then he told me that he sometimes wishes that we were getting married the next week and how his fiancé’s family will never accept him. Then it got even more uncomfortable.
After an awkward pause, he said, “What if we just run away together?” I laughed it off as a joke and said we should rejoin the group. Then he said it again later again in a joking tone. And then a third time later in the night. We had been friends for years but only dated for like six months. Turns out he asked the same thing to another one of his exes who wasn’t a groomsman, but was attending the wedding.
The couple is still together technically, but separated.
4. A Load Off His Mind
I was at a wedding where the best man got super wasted before he made his speech. Well, that turned out to be a problem as he had a lot on his mind. He said: “We all know how easy the bride is. I can name at least seven guys here she’s been with.” But he had another bombshell to drop. He continued and said: “To be fair, it’s not like the groom is much better. Let’s not forget he was with MY wife a few weeks ago.”
Well, the speech lasted about another five minutes. He got even more wasted at the wedding and couldn’t stand by the end of the night without help. As for the marriage, it lasted just over 18 very rocky months—the last few months were the worst. Technically they are still together, it’s a long story. They don’t live together anymore and the divorce was filed a long time ago and he is just making it as hard as possible.
5. Engaged? Sure. Married? Not So Much.
I went as a plus one to an engagement party. I asked the lucky couple when they were planning to get married. They looked at me like I was insane, and told me they weren’t planning to get married, they were just getting engaged. Some confusion there. Two months later, I went as a plus one to the girl’s next engagement. I didn’t bother to ask if they were getting married.
6. Guest Got Grumpy
From a guest’s perspective—mine—this wedding was a disaster. I wonder if it’s an omen that the marriage won’t last. First, I bought the identical dress as the bridal party (so I had to buy a new one at the Good Neighbor store: $8!) We all parked across a highway so, after the wedding, when it got dark, everyone took their lives in their hands crossing it to get back to their vehicles.
We sat at table number 19. They started serving at 22 went to 34 then back to 1 through 21 so we were at the third last table. Supper started at 6:30, but we didn’t eat until 8:30. The last meal I’d had was at noon so we had an eight and a half hour fast during the day. There was midnight pizza at 10:30, but we were still full from supper.
There were 300 people and only two porta-potties (one for men and one for women). We weren’t allowed to use the washrooms in the house whatsoever, not even the elderly or kids. Next, we all almost got hit by fireworks. There were literally people screaming and running for cover as they came directly into the crowd, including myself.
The last straw was the country music they played for over an hour straight—I can’t stand that genre of music. It may have gone longer than an hour but we left before that. I know I was only a guest, but so much bad luck can’t be good for the marriage.
7. This Wedding Almost Went Horizontal
At one wedding I attended, the groom ended up at the emergency room between the ceremony and the reception. Apparently, he’d gone out the night before the wedding with his sister and friends and got completely plastered. They had to hold a cold pack to the back of his neck to keep him going vertical during the wedding photos.
The marriage lasted 30 days until they had a fight, she left the house and he filled the U-Haul truck with everything but her clothes.
8. Cooking Up Trouble
I was the maid of honor. Me, the best man and the couple went into a separate little room to do the signing stuff. The bride excused herself to go to the bathroom and the groom started making pretty mean remarks about her cooking—something she’s passionate about—to the officiary. She came back, heard they were talking about cooking family meals together and gave him the warmest smile, thinking he had praised her.
He scoffed awkwardly and changed the topic. That’s always stuck with me. He wasn’t laughing WITH her but AT her, behind her back. They lasted seven months.
9. He Wheeled His Way To Divorce
This is one of my go-to stories because it’s really insane. At his stag, my uncle was trying to breakdance and had an accident. He ended up at the hospital because he broke his neck. So at the wedding he has to go down the aisle in a wheelchair. She divorced shortly after. He can walk again now, but because of his surgery, he cannot turn his neck.
10. Ex Marked His Spot
I was at a wedding where I was a plus one for my date. The bride was totally inebriated and sat down at our table and started talking to us. She then told me that she’d slept with her ex right before walking down the aisle. She literally did it with her ex in her wedding dress in the bridal suite. She then downed the last of my drink and went off to the dance floor.
I was left speechless. Less than a year later, the bride and groom were divorced.
11. This Wedding Was No Cakewalk
This happened at the reception. The cake had come out and the bride was trying to playfully feed the groom a piece of it. She kept pulling it back once it got close to his mouth. The third time she did this, his reaction was chilling. He slapped it out of her hand and stormed off. In the ensuing awkward silence and wide-eyed staring, we all knew it wouldn’t last.
Surprisingly, they were together for nearly two years—but the biggest surprise was yet to come. The bride ran away with her stepbrother and eloped. No one saw that coming.
12. He Whispered Not-So-Sweet Somethings
So, just prior to my wedding I’d asked my husband to practice dancing with me because I’m uncoordinated due to a disability. He blew me off and said we’d be fine. So the wedding night came and as we were dancing, he spoke in my ear, not even quietly. “What are you doing? What’s wrong with you? You’re embarrassing me!!”
We lasted two years. Leaving was the best decision I ever made.
13. Your Love Has Lifted Me Higher
The groom was high on something strong and giggled throughout the whole ceremony. The best man was the groom’s dealer who dressed in a tux—the only one in a tux. The host of the party alternated between arguing with his wife in Russian and running up to us—us being the only bride’s friends who showed up for the wedding—every time he saw us in groups of two or more.
He said: ‘Don’t smoke, if she (his wife) won’t let me smoke weed in the house then you guys can’t.” Every. Time. We. Grouped. Up.
14. Picture Imperfect
This is what happened at my brother’s wedding. Throughout the exchange of vows, the bride was looking at everyone—except my brother. She was busy making sure all eyes were on her. Later, she instructed the photographer—a family friend who was cheap—to “mingle” and get shots of people “being happy.” Within 10 minutes, she’d summoned the photographer back, shouting, “Whose wedding is this?! I meant get shots of people being happy for me.”
They broke up when she cheated on him. Apparently, the marriage that she was desperate for was only good while it brought her attention.
15. What Happens In Vegas…Doesn’t Always Stay In Vegas
This couple I know had their bachelor and bachelorette parties in Vegas at the same time. In fact, they were across the hall from each other. The bride and groom got into a huge fight on the last night of the trip. When I was leaving, I said, “I’ll see you guys at the wedding” to the groom and he replied, “I’m not sure there’s gonna be one.”
There was a wedding, but they were divorced within 18 months.
16. Crossfaded Groom
It was my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding. The groom got really inebriated before the vows and then smoked a ton of green stuff after the vows. He was super crossfaded and began to make a complete fool of himself. When we went up to congratulate them after, she refused to be near him or take pictures with him. It was super awkward.
So, after the speeches, everyone basically left because the mood was so bad. The family was still around and they opened gifts. Someone had given them a nice bottle of champagne and the groom tried to open it, but dropped it and it shattered. The bride stormed off screaming. The groom got upset and started cussing out the air.
They still went to their honeymoon together in Florida, and she got pregnant almost immediately. Maybe seven months into her pregnancy, she kicked him out because he slept with her roommate. They got divorced when their kid was six months old. But it’s for the best, the dude is a real jerk and wasted a lot of their money by being selfish on their day.
17. This Renaissance Fair Was More Renaissance Awful
This story is about my own wedding. First, there was the dress. The wedding was a Renaissance Fair style wedding outside at a large gazebo and the maid of honor had promised to purchase a stylized dress for my bride that they had agreed on. Three days before the wedding she called to tell us she had no money to get the dress and had been too embarrassed to admit it.
So we literally hand-sewed one together in 24 hours. It actually turned out pretty nice for what we had. Next, there was the cake. My mother-in-law was supposed to pick up the cake in Austin and drive an hour south for the wedding. She left her house 30 minutes before the wedding to pick it up. When she finally showed up, an hour late, the cake was destroyed.
She’d put it in the back seat and drove like a maniac all the way down, just slamming it against the box with every turn. Then, there was the fight. During the one hour delay—while we waited for the cake—there was almost a fistfight between two groomsmen because…well, a bunch of tempers flared when the maid of honor showed up wearing the same dress she said she was unable to afford for my bride. Clearly, it was an attempt to upstage the bride.
Next came the speeches and things still weren’t getting better. The same maid of honor—the one in the bride’s dress—made a speech and she started it off with this: “When we all met, I didn’t like the groom at all. However I found that he grows on you…like a fungus.” This was about me and after everything else that had happened, I didn’t think it was funny.
Since all of these issues were on her side of friendships or families, I was told to suck it up and we’d discuss it later. I sort of assumed that a lot of these “friends” would sort of get out of our life once we were married, but it was quite the opposite. In fact, two years later when I accepted my first well-paying job out of college, it became an issue that it was an hour and a half out of Austin…so she decided to just stay in Austin to be with these same friends.
I mailed her the divorce papers and since she couldn’t be bothered to even show up to the hearing. I never saw her again.
18. She Wore A Ring…Around Her Eye
The wedding was bound to be trouble for one obvious reason: the groom and bride’s dad—and actually most people in these families if I’m honest—all have pretty aggressive drinking problems. So, the father-in-law has always hated the groom and something that I didn’t see set off an argument. The two went at it and the fight became really physical.
It ended when the bride got in the middle, got an elbow in the eye and the happy couple left for the night. This was in rural Canada. Not Letterkenny, but basically Letterkenny. I’d say the father-in-law won the fight though. This couple split after four months.
19. The Odds Were Against Them
The couple had been together since junior high. They would break up and reconcile every three to six months. Everyone who knew them was just sick of it. The marriage took place when the bride and groom were both 19—in the summer between freshman and sophomore year at college. It was obviously an attempt to force the relationship to stick.
It did not, but at least no kids were involved. We should have known though, because the entire bridal party, including the parents of the wedded couple, entered into a betting pool of how long the marriage would last. They did this right at the wedding reception. I should say the bride and groom did not participate, but everyone else did.
That would have been…glorious. Anyway, the best man won at 14 months.
20. Brokeback Wedding?
The bride and groom did the first dance then spent the rest of their reception completely apart from each other getting inebriated with their own separate friend-groups. The only other dancing all night was the bride dancing with her high school friends, the father-daughter dance and the mother-son dance, during which the groom was crying.
The best man’s speech didn’t mention the bride at all and basically boiled down to “Groom, you’re married now, but our bond is older and stronger, all of our hunting and fishing trips together are the best thing in our lives, can’t wait for more.” Such a sad, desperate atmosphere. They made it a little over one year.
21. Psychic Photographer
I’m a wedding photographer and I’ve come up with a few signs that tell me that a marriage is not going to last. They are actually pretty accurate. Here’s the first one: When a very young couple says things like their partner is “perfect” and claim that they never fight. This is a good sign that the marriage won’t last.
Another one that I’ve noticed is, believe it or not, name calling. At one wedding, I particularly cringed when the groom called the bride a “dumb hussy.” Later she told me that: “It’s because we so get each other and are so comfortable with each other that he can call me ‘dumb hussy’ as a nickname.” Sadly, this couple didn’t even last the year.
There was another one that really made me cringe. The wedding was all about the groom promoting his band. He even sang his bride a song that was literally just him showing off his vocal range with some classic piece. She stood up and joined him on stage halfway through, and he looked annoyed that he had to share the limelight.
They lasted about two years—he was sleeping with the other vocalist in the band.
22. Honeymoon For Three?
This was my sister’s best friend and it was a bachelorette party moment. The bride had been having an affair and everyone knew it. The groom’s friends tried to tell him, but she convinced him they were making it up. I mean, at that point it was just sad. She actually had the balls to force her fiancé to apologize to the guy she was sleeping with for the accusations.
The night of the bachelorette party, she actually took all her bridesmaids back to the other guy’s house and spent the night with him. He also came to their wedding. It was so awkward. Everyone knew and everyone was talking. The groom was told, but chose to overlook it. After the wedding the bride insisted the other guy come on a group vacation with her and her husband and included him in all their social functions.
Now, if they’re non-monogamous, whatever, go crazy! But her husband was an absolute wreck about it for years and she just kept gaslighting him. No one could convince him to leave her. She told my sister that the affair guy insisted he would never marry her and didn’t want kids so she was using her fiancé to get them. They ended up divorcing two years later after their second child was born.
She immediately moved in with the affair guy, and they did end up getting married. The bride and the affair guy are still married and the second child is likely actually his. The groom ended up marrying a girl they went to high school with and seems content.
23. She Married Magic Mike
I once showed up to the wedding of a friend of my husband’s who I only knew casually. When we arrived at the church the groom was inebriated in the parking lot—and getting drunker by the minute. I thought it was kinda nuts, since it was a full-on Catholic ceremony which involved lots of kneeling and standing. I honestly have no idea how he made it through, but he did.
At the reception, he proceeded to continue the drinking party, while his new wife cried in the washroom. When it was time for the first dance he kind of stumbled around the dance floor despite a year of dance lessons. When it was time for him to take his new wife’s garter off and throw it to the bachelors—he instead, did a strip tease type dance and got himself down to his underwear—in front of many elderly family members.
Needless to say, people were shocked. I gave this marriage a year or two tops. They, however, are still married 25 plus years later.
24. Vomit Fountain
I used to work at a museum. In summer, the museum doubled as a wedding venue. As part of the wedding package, the museum would stay open after hours for the guests only. So, my boring job was to just sit there and basically greet people. Well, after watching quite a few weddings, I finally saw one that really took the cake.
Almost everyone at this wedding was plastered. People were jumping into the fountain, and someone even vomited in said fountain. At one point, the bride was crying. It turns out the groom and one of his groomsmen were screwing upstairs in one of the bathrooms. A fight ensued between the groom and the father of the bride.
It got so ugly that someone had to call the cops. Entertaining for me, but I felt so bad for the bride.
25. Marriage Smashed To Bits
I was living in Germany and kindly included as a last-minute plus-one to the wedding of a family friend. At the rehearsal dinner (or the German equivalent, the Polterabend) it’s a tradition that the guests smash ceramic and porcelain items on the ground. My boyfriend explained that it’s a tradition—reminding the couple that life is sometimes difficult and you have to work together to clean it up.
The bride kind of half-heartedly motioned to the groom to sweep it up. He did a little bit, then just moved on to talk to his friends, leaving most of the shards strewn around the yard. So I guess the meaning of the tradition was kind of lost on both of them. Additionally, I don’t think I saw the couple talk to each other once over the next three days of celebrations.
It was a gorgeous wedding, and I’m so grateful that I was invited—a really good way to begin living in a new country—but it wasn’t surprising to hear that they’d divorced a few years later.
26. Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
My husband was the best man at a wedding. The bride was a nightmare. Not just during the wedding, but in general everyday life. All of the friends hated her, and she had no friends of her own. We knew it was doomed when, during the portraits, the bride was making everyone miserable as can be. The groom said (exact words): “I’ll just send her to therapy. And, if that doesn’t work, we can just get divorced.”
27. Wedding Night Horror
So at this wedding, apparently the bride and groom were both virgins and were waiting for marriage, in accordance with their culture. Apparently, the groom spent all that time on the internet watching adult films. This, unfortunately, led him to having wild and unreal expectations for his wedding night. He thought it was going to be so kinky.
The shy, religious bride, on the other hand, expected that their wedding night would be a sacred and beautiful coming together of souls, but the groom did not read the memo. He apparently slapped her around, tried to use the backdoor (if you catch my drift) and asked if he could give her a golden shower—all on their wedding night.
The bride was, obviously, absolutely horrified and kept making excuses not to be intimate with him again. He said he had a wonderful time, and kept asking when they could have round two.
28. Caked Mashed, Bride Dashed
I had a buddy—this was almost 30 years ago, btw—who’s girlfriend told him that if he mashed the cake in her face, it was O-V-E-R. She told him at least 10 times in my presence. The day of the wedding arrived and his “buddies” had gotten to him by making the whip noise and saying he had to show her “who wore the pants.”
She fed him his piece—very politely. He mashed her face, she walked out and had the marriage annulled. Can I just say: good for her!
29. Oedipus Wrecks This Wedding
We noticed during the wedding that the soon to be mother-in-law of the bride was insufferable. Every chance she could she would make it about her and her son, the groom. God forbid she let her new daughter-in-law have the spotlight. The mother-in-law had the photographer follow her around for most of the wedding. Most pictures have her in them.
She was always near or around her son, but like always touching him too. It was weird. We joked that all three of them are going on honeymoon together. She gave an hour-long toast about how she is still the most important person in her son’s life. I think she said something like, “You may be his wife, but he’ll always be mommy’s little boy.” She always went into way too much detail about how she breastfed and changed his diapers.
She danced with her son more than the bride. And I’m not talking 60/40. Like 90% of the time it was mother and son dancing. At one point she was even bumping and grinding on him. So at no point did my girlfriend and I think the bride was going to put up with this crazy mother-in-law for more than a couple years. Sure enough, she got pregnant soon after the wedding.
A couple of months after the baby was born, she filed for divorce.
30. Gay, As In Really Happy?
I was the wedding photographer for a reality TV show. At the end of the night I’m having a few drinks with the film crew and the groom has come up to me and one of the producers and says “I think I’ve made a big mistake.” So, we’re trying to be reassuring and telling him it’s natural to second guess such a big decision, to which he replies, “No, I mean I think I’m gay.”
I had them both on Facebook, and the drama the next week was mesmerizing to watch unfold.
31. Marital Discord
A month before the wedding, the couple made an appointment with me—the church music director/organist—to plan music for the ceremony. Both made suggestions on music he or she would like. But no matter how many pieces were considered and demonstrated, they couldn’t agree on anything, and would get into heated arguments over processionals, recessionals, vocal solos, and prelude music—even though they were all good possibilities.
The bride and groom simply seemed indifferent to one another’s wishes and needs. In the end, based on what I heard each of them most wanting, I offered compromises in an effort to bring about peace—selections which they finally agreed to. They were engaged, but showed no signs of being in love.
32. Bride On The Side
I was the maid of honor, they seemed like the perfect couple, together for nearly 10 years and had this big, expensive, beautiful wedding. The bride would have been happy with a small event but told me the groom had a big family and had insisted. Alarm bells hit soon after. I sat with her parents in the front row and realized the groom to bride ratio was so massively off.
The groom had three best men, as well as ushers and whatnot. His sister and one best man read something during the ceremony and then all three best men made long speeches about him at dinner. It was all about him. The photographer was even his friend’s mom, so she kept whisking away the boys for these “hilarious” lads’ shoots.
The bride was ignored most of the day and in the evening the groom got smashed, spilled a drink over her wedding gown and danced with his friends. It felt more like a big birthday party than a joint event. I’d never seen that side of him, but I felt so sorry for my friend, it was like she was just there to be a prop to his plans and look good.
Three months after the wedding, he began being emotionally abusive. A month after that he admitted he’d been having an affair for years, then left. If I hadn’t seen the way he behaved at the wedding, I never would have guessed he had that in him.
33. Pepper Spray Instead of Confetti
Well here it goes. My cousin got married probably a decade ago and during the wedding it came out that the groom was not the best to my cousin while dating. The bride’s brother did not take this well and during the after party a shouting match became a brawl between the two families. Next thing you know officers show up and literally pepper spray everyone—including my grandma, kids, and anyone near the area.
I don’t remember if anyone got taken away but the story got on CBS for the international news. They did not last long to say the least.
34. Didn’t Party Hearty At The Bachelor Party
I was invited to a high school friend’s wedding. The night before the wedding she asked me to join her future husband’s bachelor party. He had no friends and it was only he, his brother, his father, and I. They were not thrilled with my presence. They wanted to go to a peeler bar, but thought I would rat them out. We went to a bar, but I could tell I was the killjoy, so I went back to the hotel and they went to the peeler bar anyway.
My friend called me after I got back to the hotel. She asked me why I didn’t go to the peeler bar and I told her that it wasn’t my thing. She asked if we could hang out and catch up. I said “sure” and she came to my room only wearing a robe. It was obvious there was nothing on under it. It seemed like she was coming on to me, which seemed very sad.
We watched a movie and she fell asleep. At some point in the night, she left. The next morning at the wedding I was sitting next to a mutual friend. This friend was encouraging me to object and looked disappointed when I didn’t do it. They lasted five years, but lived together less than two.
35. The Tiger King Of Weddings
I used to work at a pretty lousy, privately-owned exotic animal facility—think like Joe Exotic but less substance misuse. People often booked kids’ birthday parties, etc. One time, we hosted a wedding reception. The theme was HOT PINK, so the clowns we normally hire were better dressed than them. The bride looked like she wanted to cry the entire time‚ and not happy tears.
I felt bad for her. I feel like the groom just wanted to book the cheapest venue with AC and they happened to like animals. If you like animals, you wouldn’t support where I worked.
36. Honeymoon For One Please
A friend of mine was getting married and she was planning her honeymoon. She’d always dreamed of sitting on a beach on a Caribbean island and she wanted that for her honeymoon. The only problem was that her fiancé had a severe sun allergy. My friend went ahead and booked the honeymoon anyway, even though I thought it was a terrible idea.
About the groom’s sun allergy: it was really serious. He had red hair, really fair skin, and burned up within minutes. And I mean really bad sunburn, the kind you have to go to the hospital for. He always had to wear sunglasses, long-sleeved shirts, and a hat, even on cloudy days, so the vacation was definitely not for him.
When she went to tell her groom, I expected him to be livid. His reaction knocked me off my feet. He actually suggested that she go alone—on their honeymoon! These two married young and it didn’t occur to them that it would be strange if she went on the honeymoon and he stayed behind. He was a good guy and just wanted to see her happy, and she really wanted to go on this vacation, because she had never left the country.
They separated half a year after the wedding and my friend, the bride, told me that the marriage had been a way to prolong the relationship despite both of them knowing that it was already over some time before they got married. Kinda like a couple gets a baby to save a marriage. It really was just sad because they were a nice couple, but they stayed friends after separating.
And I can guarantee that she didn’t cheat on him while away, they were both really loyal.
37. Christian Teens Make Huge Mistake
While they were planning the wedding, the bride came to me and asked, “Is it normal to realize that getting married is a huge mistake but still go through with it? Do you think we can still be happy?” I tried to talk gently to her about everything and then she admitted that she and her groom had already done it and that if she didn’t marry him, nobody else would want “used goods.”
I tried to gently explain that her not being a virgin does NOT make her “used goods.” Her response was, “Well, you’re a gay Christian, so God isn’t happy with you either. But at least you married a man so you can hide it.” This poor girl was raised to believe the worst that Christianity can offer. She was 17 when she was getting married to her 18-year-old groom.
They got married anyway. The worst part is, they’ll probably stay married forever because they are VERY religious and God doesn’t allow for divorce. It was really hard to watch the bride cry as she walked down the aisle. Not happy tears either.
38. Friends With (Medical) Benefits
It was a friend’s wedding back in 2016. It turns out that they were getting married quickly because the bride, my friend, suddenly needed medical benefits—which he had through his job. This was not a great reason to get married and it didn’t bode well for the upcoming marriage. That said, there was no excuse for the terrible behavior we saw at the wedding.
I was a bridesmaid and really hadn’t met the groom much prior. All I can tell you is that he was nice, but quiet. The day before the wedding the bride asked me to help babysit one of the groomsmen because he was a nightmare. She didn’t just ask me. She also asked another bridesmaid, the DJ, and others to help watch the nightmare groomsman.
Our job, she instructed us, was to cut this groomsman off from booze before the ceremony, not to allow him to make a speech, to keep him from hitting on girls, the works. This guy was an alcoholic jerkbag that had managed to have six kids and two DUIs. Somehow he was the absolute best friend of the shy and quiet groom.
The day of the wedding, the best maniac breaks into the bar, gets hammered, and has to be dragged down the aisle. He gets the florist smashed, while they pretty much do “it” on the dancefloor. He makes, what I can only assume to be, a speech during the father/daughter dance. The bride was super angry and stressed, as well trying to get things to not be a total mess.
The groom blocked us from keeping the groomsman in check, and wanted us to just let it go while he did everything the bride asked him not to do. It was like a weird purposeful or intentional self-sabotage thing. The groomsman also broke into the groom’s private stash of homemade mead he’d made special just for the wedding.
He also stripped his clothes, and ran through the parking lot, and hid in bushes at 11 pm. So the groomsman was a write-off, but then the groom took over being the wedding’s most deranged participant. After the wedding was finished, I got a text from the groom. He asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with him, and my friend—otherwise known as the bride.
It turns out that this was the bargaining chip for his medical benefits. If she wanted the benefits, she had to open up the relationship. The divorce was finalized a year and a half later.
39. Reunited And It Feels No Good
My parents got divorced a long time ago, but always remained friends. One day, they surprised us—my siblings, me, and our spouses—and announced they were getting remarried: in Vegas, no less. We all thought it was weird, but decided to go anyway. I mean, it’s Vegas, right? It would be a great weekend regardless of the occasion.
Flash forward to two days into the weekend, and there has been no word of a wedding. All of us kids had a conversation: “What should we do? Should we ask about it?” This should have been our first clue that it wasn’t a good idea for them to get married. But lack of perspective made us oblivious to the obvious. So we pressured them.
“Hey! You told us you were going to get remarried, when are you going to do it?” Anyway, then we suddenly found ourselves in front of the justice of the peace. He was wise, and asked to speak privately to my parents, and I am sure asked them: “Why are you doing this, are you sure?” Well, I guess they gave him the correct answers, because he did it!
Long story short, they ended up divorcing AGAIN! And not long afterward.
40. Ebony And Ivory—But No Harmony
This was my wife’s friend. She’s a very conservative, religious white girl who married a black man. Most of her redneck family didn’t approve of the marriage and didn’t show up. But that wasn’t the cringiest part. She planned the whole marriage around race. Like a vanilla cake for her, and a chocolate cake for him. The wedding colors were black and white, and even the meals were white meat for her side and dark meat for his.
It was extremely uncomfortable as a guest. They lasted two years.
41. I Don’t Want You To
The wedding was mine. My bride had a taste for theatrics and wanted a choreographed dance number for the first dance. She wanted the whole wedding party involved, but there was no interest. I’d never danced (not even at a club), but was willing to take lessons with her with the understanding we would do something together so she could have her dream wedding.
It turns out I sucked at dancing, but with the help of some great instructors, I got through a few lessons of slow dancing. I can proudly say that I can now awkwardly shuffle around on a dance floor—but don’t expect anything crazy. For some reason, the dance school wouldn’t choreograph anything for us, so she promptly gave up.
When it came to choosing the song, she decided she wanted “I Want You To” by Weezer—my favorite band, and the song had just come out recently. However, it’s not a slow song to slow dance to. I suggested we choose something else, but she insisted we would just slow dance to it. I made her promise she wouldn’t change her mind.
So we’re on the dance floor, slow dancing to “I Want You Too” and I guess it was looking kind of awkward slow dancing to a fast song. So, sure enough, 30 seconds into the song she backs up and starts dancing a jig. I just stood there in disbelief fuming while she kept shouting and motioning for me to dance in front of all our guests.
To boot, we had set a budget, she exceeded it, then her parents decided to chip in 5K, and rather than use it to offset what we were over budget, she decided to spend more. In retrospect, that should have been a huge clue that she didn’t respect me at all. She cheated on me and ran off with some guy like a year later. She then got “remarried” before we were legally divorced.
Her parents never did hand over the 5K, because they’d put a provision on it that we had to go up north for a weekend and take some stupid Christian financial planning course their friend ran. My ex was also an atheist and didn’t want to do that, but knowingly spent the money we didn’t actually have.
42. Wedding Ala Jerry Springer
It was an Appalachian wedding in West Virginia. At the reception, there was a dude in the bathroom looking super depressed. He told literally anyone who asked that he was sad because the night before the wedding, the bride told him that was the last time they would be intimate. When enough people heard this guy’s story, a fight broke out.
People were super wasted by then, so it was a fight like on Jerry Springer where EVERYONE’S fighting, and Steve can’t even hope to break it up. The next morning everyone went to breakfast together at Bob Evans—because of course they did. The bride and groom were there and after a bit of awkward small talk, followed by silence, someone asked: “So, are you getting divorced? Or….?”
The couple said they decided to stay together, since she technically didn’t cheat on him. But later she proceeded to cheat on him in the most spectacular ways: she literally auctioned herself off in a “slave auction” a couple of years later.
43. Objection Overruled
I used to be a Deputy Sheriff and part of my job was taking in-custody defendants to their court dates. One particular defendant happened to have two court dates on the same day. The first court date was, to my surprise, his wedding date. The other case was for roughing up his girlfriend— the same one he was marrying. They were getting married so the bride could not be compelled to testify against the groom.
So when we were at the wedding court date, the judge did the usual thing and asked if there was anyone who objected. The Assistant DA in the back stood up and proceeded to blow my mind. The entire courtroom went dead silent until the Judge spoke, ‘Well who am I to stand in the way of love?’ And with that he banged his gavel, they were married.
The ADA’s case fell apart, and the defendant was released that day. He was, however, back in prison by the next week. I’ll let you guess what he was taken in for. So what happened in the end? The good news is: no he did not kill her. The bad news? The last time I saw her she was pregnant with his kid.
44. Twin Trauma
My cousins are identical twins…and I mean identical. On the wedding day of one of them, something bizarre happened. He and his girlfriend had been dating for quite a few years, so she had no good excuse. What happened was that during the reception, people were clinking their glasses for the couple to kiss. Well, the bride got up and kissed the wrong twin.
45. I’ll Take That Chicken Parm To Go
It wasn’t a good sign when the bride uninvited me from the reception dinner while I was at the wedding because she thought I would try to take the groom away from her. I got to go home and take off my heels and not have to socialize with people and my boyfriend came back with delicious leftovers. So honestly, I think I was the real winner here.
46. He Gave Marriage A Shot
We all met at the groom’s house on our way to the bachelor party. We gathered around for a shot and his toast, verbatim, was, “To my future ex-wife.” We all looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, but ultimately didn’t think much of it and had a great night. It turns out he was already cheating on her, ended up having a kid with the other woman, and got divorced when she found out. He is obviously no longer a friend.
47. This Monster-In-Law Is A Little Extra
My wife’s brother just got married this past May. The bride’s mother is a big DIY person and decided to go a little nuts with extra flowers, table pieces, decorations, etc. Please note that I said “extra.” You see, the hall was already decorated by the venue, she just took it upon herself to buy and add way more stuff.
Anyway, a few weeks ago she sent my mother-in-law, the groom’s mom, an email with receipts of all the extra stuff she bought—$7,000 worth!!!—and asked that she pay half since it was technically set up in time for the rehearsal dinner for guests to enjoy. It’s causing a huge rift between the newlyweds since the bride is taking her mom’s side.
48. Crying Over Spilled Champagne
One of my good friends got married and I’d never met the bride before the wedding because “she’s just shy.” On the wedding day, she was belligerently inebriated before the ceremony even started and couldn’t even get through the lines she was supposed to repeat (i.e. “I promise to love you”). She ended up slapping the groom, spilling champagne on her dress, and then crying under a table while he tried to comfort her.
They lasted about four months.
49. Drama 101
My wife got invited to a client’s daughter’s wedding. The couple were both drama students and many of the bridal party were drama students. The maid of honor’s toast was so disturbing, it’s unforgettable. It consisted of tearful declarations of unrequited love to the groom, along the lines of “if it couldn’t be me, I’m glad it’s my best friend that’s marrying you.”
Somehow, that’s not the worst part. The best man’s speech was a lusty declaration of “if it doesn’t work out, call me, babe…like the previous time you called me.” Other toasts were similarly weird. A guy at the table I was seated at was a friend of the bride and said to me that he was “this close” to standing up during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” thing.
I’m still not sure if the whole thing was a bunch of emotionally messed-up 20-year-olds, or one big piece of performance art.
50. Child Bride
I used to work at a David’s Bridal and a bride came in once with tons of friends. We did the Say Yes To The Dress thing, and an hour later she was standing there in $3,000 worth of stuff and didn’t have any money with her or in her account. She decided she wanted to apply for the store credit card. I ran it through the system, and she got denied.
She then called the groom for his info and he told her no. She threw a HUGE fit on the phone with him, standing on the bridal stage, literally demanding “WHY NOT? WHY?! WHY!!” like an actual child over and over again. I’ve never seen a 30-year-old age backward so quickly. She was just a brat. Literally stomping her feet in front of me, all her friends, and the other brides in the store.
I was so embarrassed for her. But then I got a big surprise. At the end of her tantrum, she hung up on him and her friend said, “I’m so sorry you can’t get your dress.” The bride stopped crying instantly and said: “Oh I’ll get the dress. I just have to do this at home, and when he gets mad enough, he’ll come get it for me so I’ll stop.”
I was speechless. Sure enough. Girl came back two days later with her man and he applied for the credit card and bought the dress. He was livid and silent, and she was over-the-top smug. I can’t imagine they’re having a happy marriage if they are still together.