We all want to know the truth, right? Well when kids tell the truth, it can be devastating. Whether it’s how we look, how we dress, or our lifestyles in general, kids have no filter and will call it as they see it…often shouting it in a crowded department store! Their burns can be rude and inappropriate, but they’re also hilarious! These Redditors share the most outlandish things they’ve heard from the mouths of children.
The other day my six-year-old daughter was sitting next to me and looked me right in the eye and said, “Why do you have a mustache?” I’m a woman, by the way.
Six-year-olds are so savage. Four weeks after I had our second child, our oldest (then six) hugged me and said, "Your belly is so squishy and big still. Are you sure there's not another baby in there?" My husband's mouth just sort of fell open.
My sister had a stinging wit. One day I heard my 11-year-old sister say this to one of my friends, “Hey, did you know that if you were to eat a bee, you would have more brains in your stomach than in your head.” But that's not all. Soon after I overheard my sister ripping my dad after he said to her, “Can your little legs carry your big smart mouth?”
She replied, “Can your legs carry your big stomach?”
My little sister came up to me and asked, “Can I sit in that seat?” “Why,” I asked. She looked at me blankly and said, “Shut up and move.”
My ex was a heavy dude. He changed his shirt in front of his four-year-old nephew, who looked at his belly confused and genuinely asked him if his stomach was his butt.
I was at a public safety education event for Grades 5 and 6 representing Emergency Medical Services. I was showing a kid some of the advanced things we do and her teacher asked "So, would you want to be a paramedic?" Her reply was priceless. "No, I'm going to study business. I want to be able to pay my bills.” Still kinda stings.
My eight-year-old niece-in-law was talking to my brother and me. Since her aunt was dating my brother she asked me who my girlfriend was. I said I didn't have one. She said, "Oh, some people are just supposed to be alone, I guess." Gee, thanks.
I was in Old Navy once and this kid was obviously bored and wanted his mom to hurry up. "Don't get those, Mommy, they make your butt look big." and I'm thinking "Kid, you're at least part of the reason her butt is big."
I'm non-religious. However, when visiting family I take my daughter to church with them. During one of those inexplicable total silences during the sermon, she blurts out: "Mommy, do these people really believe this stuff?"
When I was around four or five we went to Canada to attend my grandfather’s funeral. It was a long time coming so my grandmother had been handling it well. We stayed up there for about two weeks since it was summer and we usually spent August up there anyway. This time as we were pulling out of the driveway to head home I leaned out the window and shouted, "Bye Grandma! Love you! Don't die now!"
I was playing The Floor is Lava with my then, four-year-old niece. I pretended to start drowning in lava and I reached my hand out to her while yelling, “Please help me!” I still can't believe what she did. My niece popped her head over the edge of the couch, looked straight into my eyes, and whispered, “No one is going to save you.”
I drowned in the pretend lava and we never played that game together again.
My six-year-old son and I were shopping at an Asian grocery store. "Daddy it smells in here," he said loudly. I tried to hush and get him to shut up, but he continued, saying, "It smells worse than you!" Mind you, he has no concept of an inside voice.
Last week my husband, who works at a local grocery store, overheard a mother pushing her two kids in a cart and complaining about how heavy they were. The older child, probably around 7 years old looked at her and said, "You're the one who decided to have two kids." Looks like someone spends a lot of time at his grandparent's house.
My sister looked at me and said, "You look like you're pregnant, but you're not!"
Halloween was coming soon, and my sister was talking to one of my five-year-old cousins. She said, "Hey honey! What do you think your mommy should dress like for Halloween? A princess?" The kid smiled: "She's way too ugly for a princess! Mommy should be a witch!" We kept quiet for the rest of the day. Mommy never knew.
I have the same name as a Disney princess. One time, when I was working as a waitress, a little girl read my nametag and exclaimed, "Wow! Just like the princess! Except princesses are beautiful, and you definitely aren't." It was brutal, man.
In front of everyone, our friend’s son said, "Do you know that my dad can not satisfy my mother?" I’m sure his father wished to disappear at that moment.
A group of adults was talking extremely loud about how stupid certain people were, and that includes young kids. One of the adult’s kids said, "At least I know I'm dumb." I think of that kid to this day.
My four-year-old daughter told me at dinner not too long ago: “You look nice! You don't look like yourself!” Well thanks, I guess.
When I was four or five years old I was sitting in my stepmom's lap in the car (it was the good old 1990s when car safety was less of a concern) and I was slapping her leg, which was uncovered because of her shorts. I said, "It ripples like a pool!" I did not realize until I was older why she was so offended.
We were at a Mexican restaurant that happened to have a Christian cross on the wall. My toddler goes, "Ohhh. Airplane!"
I was standing behind a lady with her son who was about five or six years old. It was Christmas time and the mother told her kid to stop acting up or Santa wasn't coming this year. He didn’t seem too worried. He said: "Screw Santa Claus. I'm sick of hearing about that guy.” I lost it.
I was in this busy store, and a kid, maybe four years old, was getting ignored by his father. So he started screaming, "Dad. Dad. Dad. Daddy. Dad. Daddy. DADDY. DADDY. DAD. DADA! DADDY! DADDY! DADA! DAD! DAD!" It was grating. The father continued to ignore the child. So five seconds later, a great shout comes out this kid.
"STEEEEEEVE!" That got dad's attention. He jumped three inches.
I was in line with my grandma at the grocery store and some woman was behind us. I looked at her, and then very loudly asked my grandmother multiple times, “Grandma, why does that lady have a mustache?!” Over and over again. My grandma was mortified. But also it’s one of her favorite stories to tell.
I was chilling at a wedding, and the bridesmaids were sitting there with the five-year-old flower girl. One of the bridesmaids said she wished she would be the next to get married and the flower girl said, "No Becky, you are too ugly to get married!" I burst out laughing.
My four-year-old cousin told me, "You wear pajamas in the day because you're a disaster."
My little sister who was maybe four years old was in the elevator at my grandparents’ retirement home. A little old lady gets off the elevator and looks back at sis and says, "Bye-bye sweetheart!" My sister replied, "Bye-bye, scum bucket". There was no time for a reaction. The elevator door closed.
I was babysitting my nephew. He was about six at the time and playing in a sandbox. Some older guy with a cane was strolling past and asked what he was building. His reply? "Shut up before I break your stick and kill you." I was mortified! I was extremely apologetic and talked to my nephew about it, and all that jazz. My nephew was usually a polite kid so that phrase came out of nowhere.
My sister was a nanny to two little girls, ages two and four. She brought them over to my parents' house and I was just settling in to bake in the sun in my bikini. I opened the deck door to walk outside to greet them but the door got a little jammed, so I tried to squeeze through. Without missing a beat the four-year-old turned to her little sister and said in a hushed tone, "You see, she can't get through because she's too fat."
I’m a high school teacher. Once a student came up to me and said “Has anyone told you that you look nice today?” I said “Aww. Thank you! They haven’t.” She then said, “Good. I wanted to make sure no one was lying to you.” And then walked away.
I said to my kid, “You know you'll have to listen to me for the rest of your life, right?” Without missing a beat my kid replied, “No, I have to listen to you for the rest of your life.” Touche.
I was visiting a high-end resort town last month and heard a mother on the sidewalk say “I wish I could retire here” and her son, who was around 8, laughed and said, “You’re never going to retire.”
My five-year-old daughter looked at me and out of nowhere said "I don't think your fat mum. You're just a teeeennnnsssssyyyy bit chunky." She used her fingers for emphasis too. Cheers, buddy.
Grandma said, “The late George Bush Sr. and I only have one thing in common, we both hate broccoli.” My daughter responded sardonically, “One day soon, you will have two things in common.”
My mom had my younger sister a lot older than she had me and my other siblings. There is an 18-year difference between us. My mom always talked about how old she is (usually in a joking sense when it's hard to get up from the couch). My mom and little sister stopped by to visit me the other day and as my mom got up from the chair, she says "Ugh, I'm getting old!"
My sassy eight-year-old sis goes, "The only thing getting old is you saying you're old." She's too funny.
I was picking up my cousin from daycare, when a little girl super loudly asked "Mom, why does your vulva have a mustache?"
This one time when I was a kid, I and my family were out eating at a restaurant. Everything was fine until I noticed the table next to us. The man (a very big man) had a HUGE plate of mussels, and he was scarfing them down as I had rarely seen. Then this man let a serious burp come out. My whole family heard it. That's when I turned around to face the man, looking at him with huge round eyes.
He said, ''Sorry about that.'' I still can't believe what I said back. I replied, ''Don't worry about it, pig'' I was around eight years old. I don't quite remember his reaction, but my dad sometimes reminds me of this story.
First thing in the morning, as our 12-year-old daughter was stumbling into the living room, our five-year-old son turned to her and deadpanned, "Keira, I don't love you. And I never have." Our 12-year-old, who is used to our five-year old's bull, was just like, "Thanks, buddy." It was a brutal way to wake up.
I was at the park with my daughter. Another kid at the park asked her, "Who's that you were talking to?" My daughter said, "That's my dad." I heard the other child say, "Oh. He looks more like a grandad." Ego deflates.
I was taking a walk with my sister who was about two at the time, and a man with a big beard and mustache walked past us. My sister turned to me and said, with an expression of pure joy: "A lady!"
My seven-year-old said to me, "Dad, you're going to be 40 soon. That's old." Amused, I responded, "Are you going to put me into a retirement home when I turn 40?" My son did a quick calculation and stated, as a matter of factly, "No, you'll still have to work 25 more years before you can retire."
My daughter said to me, “Mommy, you are so pretty, you look just like a witch”. I think she may have been thinking about the Good Witch of the North in The Wizard of Oz.
My daughter is a genius and on the spectrum and this has led to some hilarious encounters. My mother-in-law was spending time with the little one to get to know her better. They were folding clothes in my mother-in-law’s living room when the otherwise silent three-year-old turns to her and says: “My panties are too small to fold.“
She held up my mother-in-law’s underwear she had been folding. “I can fold your panties many, many times. It is because your butt is so big.” My mother-in-law said she then held her underwear up in awe and whispered “One day I too will be gloriously fat.”
My neighbor’s son, a six-year-old boy, was not pleased when the mother said that there were nine planets in the solar system (there are only eight). He annoyingly remarked, “Just because you are a parent, it doesn't mean that you can say whatever you want and I will believe it. If you don't know, just keep quiet.”
My three-year-old yesterday morning walked into my bedroom, pointed at me, and called me a ballbag. I was laughing as it was so unexpected, but his father and I had some words afterward.
My mom still tells the story of when I met her boss when I was five and yelled, "What's wrong with his eye?" He had gotten a fake eye recently and was still in the "How noticeable is this?" stage.
My brother used to call my paternal grandparents "Fat Grandma and Fat Grandpa." My mom was mortified. My grandparents, who raised 14 kids and had more than 30 grandchildren at this point, both thought it was funny.
Once I heard a boy say to an older, operatic soprano soloist after a concert: "When you sing it makes my ears hurt!"
In my younger 20s, I had horrible acne. I was a cashier at CVS. A customer's young daughter asked me why I had so many bug bites on my face. It took all my strength to not cry in front of that customer.
This is still the most savage burn I've heard in awhile. My friend when he was about four was in trouble so he had to be in the kitchen with his mom where she could see him. He was bored and wanted to play but she wouldn’t let him so he looked at her and said in his sweetest voice: “Mom if you’re here, who’s running heck?”
My 10-year-old daughter told me, "It's okay mom, there are lots of people more chubby than you."
My six-year-old daughter was working on a "science experiment" as in mixing random kitchen pantry stuff. She said to me, “Mom, come here I need a big person!” I said, “You mean an adult?” I kid you not she looks me up and down with this skeptical look and says, "Yeah, but you'll do.”
When I was around seven the fire department came for my grandma after she fell. Mom was talking to the firefighter about something. He had a really long neck. I just blurted out "You look like an alien." The guys by the truck overheard and busted out laughing. My mom was so embarrassed and the firefighter just laughed as well.
My five-year-old nephew was looking at a picture of me holding him when he was a baby. He asked why I was holding him in the picture. I told him at that time he liked me more than anybody else. He then asks me, “Why wasn’t my cousin holding me then?” That cousin was his current favorite. Then my niece, when she was three or four years old pointed at my class ring and asked if it was my “married ring.”
I told her it wasn’t. She then said, “Oh, so no one wants to marry you?” Me, “Ahh..guess not.”
My older sister made dinner the first time (she was 17, I think) and my younger brother tasted it, looked her dead in the eye and said, "That’s terrible". But it doesn’t end there. My niece is brutal as well. We were at a restaurant and she was looking at a very fat man and she just asked very loudly, "Is it true that if you eat too much you’ll explode?"
When I was 22 or so I was just out of college, living at home, and working as an aide at an elementary school. I was working with a first grader who asked me if I had kids. I said no. He asked if I had a wife. I said no. The kid looks a bit confused and says, "Then who do you live with?" I said that I live with my parents and brothers.
Then the kid looks even more confused and goes, "Wait... I thought you were an adult." I know he didn’t mean anything by it, but darn.
I was at a funeral for an old uncle. He was lying in the coffin at the viewing and one of his buddies that knew him his whole life knew that he liked to smoke Chesterfield cigarettes so he pulled out a fresh pack and stuck them in the uncle’s shirt pocket. Then he placed a Zippo lighter in his hands that were clasp over his chest.
A little kid standing nearby watching the whole thing shouted out: “He won’t need that lighter where he’s going!”
My five-year-old son explained to me, "Dad, I drew you with no hair because you pretty much don't have any."
I was playing a car-spotting game with my niece while I was driving her somewhere and was getting a bit bored with it, so I suddenly declared "Yay! I'm the winner!" She scoffed and in a low voice mumbled "Yeah, right. You'll never be a winner." Ouch.
When I was a kid, my dad’s friend used to make fun of me for playing with wrestlers. One day he asked me. "Are you still playing with the half-naked men?" I replied, "At least mine are toys"
My friend and I were leaving our local fireworks show when we were teens and this little kid in front of us turned around, while still holding his parent’s hand, and looked straight in my eyes and yelled “You were a mistake!” Like full-on, raspy-voiced, and everything.
My 13-year-old sister, grandmother, myself, and my mom were playing poker. Sis takes every chip from mom in a stellar hand. Mom gets up pouting, and my sister looks at her and says “You should probably go wash your hair, considering I just mopped the floor with it.” My grandma and I laughed so hard.
My aunt totally babies my seven-year-old cousin. The other day he looked straight at my aunt and said, "Bring me water, you filthy peasant." My aunt literally said nothing and got him water. If that was my kid I’d punt him across the room.
We were playing a game of horseshoes. It was me and my seven-year-old nephew versus my brother-in-law and my dad. My nephew was on fire. Hitting dinger after dinger. We won and my brother-in-law went to shake my nephew's hand while saying congratulations. My nephew did something so devastating, it's impossible to forget.
He pulled his hand through his hair and said "I don't shake hands with losers!"
My 5-year-old and I needed to talk to our neighbor for some reason and as soon as we stepped in my kid said, "God it's a mess and it smells! You need to clean up after yourself!" My kid had a point, though.
This one would be funny if it wasn't so disturbing. When I was about four or five one of my aunts had a miscarriage. Hearing that she had lost her baby I went up to her and said, “I was in my mom’s belly too, but my mom didn’t lose me.” My aunt started crying.
When we were little, my mom had a friend that none of us liked. One time the friend came over and was talking about her new boyfriend. My older sister said to her, "Hey, is your boyfriend's mustache as thick as yours?"
Back when my daughter was two, she loudly asked, "Mommy, where's your butt?" My sister thought it was hilarious (I can't gain weight for the life of me) until later. When reading a book the two-year-old pointed to a picture of a cow and said "That's Auntie B!" Auntie B is my sister.
My niece when she was five, finally saw me all decked up to go someplace. She voluntarily hugged me lovingly. Then added, “Oh wow! You look so beautiful, like a princess! Generally, you look like a witch.” I didn’t know what to say.
I was trying to teach my child and my daughter, who is five and in Kindergarten. She tried to re-explain what I was saying. She wasn’t understanding it so I corrected her. That didn’t sit too well with my young pupil. She said, "What language do you speak?" Puzzled, I answered "Uh, English. Same as you." To which she replied, "If we both speak English, then why don't you understand what I am saying?"
This one was said to me by the younger sister of a kid I coached. She was about eight and her brother was in high school. I was joking around with the family saying how much the kid was a handful. It was all tongue in cheek as this kid was one of my favorites. His eight-year-old sister chimes in and says “Why would he listen to you? Your torso is longer than your legs”
I still don’t know how offended by this I should be, but I feel like it’s a lot.
When I was about two, my aunt begged my mom to let her take me around town to do some errands with her. Mom agreed and off we went. One of the neighbor ladies was standing at the doorway of her house and my aunt stopped to say hello. My aunt was carrying me and said that the whole time they talked I just stared at the lady. I didn't take my eyes off of her.
My aunt and I eventually continued on our way, did the errands, and walked back home. We once again passed by the neighbor lady's house, and my aunt stopped to talk to her again. I also proceeded to intensely stare at the lady. The lady tells my aunt how cute I was, and started to baby-talk me. My aunt never could've predicted what happened next.
I turned to her and very loudly asked "Auntie, why is that lady so ugly?" My aunt never took me on errands again until I was well into my teens.
I was in fifth grade and had a substitute teacher that got into a pretty heated argument with one of the kids in the class. Finally, the sub says “You see this is why I never had kids?” Without missing a beat the kid says, “No, you never had kids because no woman would come within 10 feet of you.” The sub got pretty quiet after that.
I was visiting my aunt a couple of months ago and she has a 4-year-old son. She let me know he had a birthday party coming up at the community pool and told me I was invited. When she walked out of the room the little boy looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Mommy said you can come but I think your too fat and might scare my friends so you’re not allowed to swim.”
It took everything in me not to drop-kick a child that day.
My brother-in-law is a bonehead. My sister was explaining something about the new car they bought and my four-year-old niece says to me, “Auntie, I don’t think daddy ever knows what he is talking about.” She had the most serious face. She is pretty intuitive for being such a little human.
I had pretty bad acne from 15 to about 18. At a reunion with family we hadn't seen in a few years one of my cousin’s kids, she was four or five, walks up to me and says "I don't know your name so I'm just going to call you Mr. Dotty Face."
I was washing dishes in the kitchen and singing to myself and my four-year-old walked in with her face screwed up and said, "Mommy, you can’t sing. It's hurting my ears." She's not wrong though, because I definitely can't sing. It's brutal honesty daily from her.
My daughter was three years old. On a bus, she saw a man with crutches. "Look mommy, the man is broken." I'm sorry to say I was so shocked and embarrassed all I could think to say was agree with her and giggle. Dude, if you're reading this I'm so sorry.
I saw a kid ask a guy in a retirement home whether he had dinosaurs when he was young. The gentleman laughed and asked how old the kid thought he was. The kid said “20.” Then they were good friends again.
A distant relative has a name that basically means Happy Witch. One time, she gave a five-year-old cousin of mine a bar of chocolate and said her name is Happy Witch. His reply was "I can see it in your eyes."
My three-year-old is really into superheroes. He also places a lot of importance on the color clothes people are wearing. So, if he has a red shirt on, it's "I'm Spider-Man! I'm Spider-Man!" Green shirt, it's "I'm the Hulk!", etc. We're in the grocery store and he's going on about him being Spider-Man. He sees that I'm in a black hoody.
Having no reference for that, he yells at the top of his lungs, "I'm Spider-Man and you’re a black bad guy!”
My parents had a maintenance man who had a port stain on his face. My three-year-old thought it was a boo-boo. So he was referred to this guy as Boo-Boo Man for years by my family. I don't think he ever knew, though.
Took my two-year-old daughter to the men's bathroom at a restaurant one day. We were using a stall to pee and so when she was done I thought I should go, too. Parents, you know that stage when kids start asking about their private parts? Well, as I was finished peeing some other guy came into the bathroom. Ugh, I'll never forget what my kid did next.
My lovely child decides to say, "Daddy, I like your pee-pee!" That was awkward. Thanks, kid.
A little girl was dressed as a fast food worker for Halloween was being yelled at by her aunt for her "low choice," and that she needed to aim higher if she wanted to succeed. The whole thing was demeaning and weird. The girl fired back with: “I'm only 12, what's your excuse for being poor then?”
I was giving my 11-year-old niece advice before she started middle school, telling her how mean other tweens can be and that I’m there for them if she needed support. She responded, “You must have been a real loser in middle school.”
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