We've all experienced embarrassing moments, and most of the time we are able to recover from them...But sometimes, we find ourselves right in the middle of a situation that is just so humiliating that it seems unlikely that we can ever come back from it. Here are some real-life examples to get your cringe-meter flying off the charts:
1. I Just Had It
I had always struggled with public speaking, but during one class presentation, I just couldn't take it anymore. I stood up, looked over at the whole class, and simply couldn't make my mouth form words. So, I grabbed my backpack, and without a word walked out of the door and took myself straight to the principal's office. In the end, my teacher made me a deal that I could avoid failing the assignment by giving the speech to her alone after school. I was incredibly grateful for that.
2. Splashing Around
I was sleeping over at a girlfriend’s house, and in the middle of the night, I needed to take a leak. So, I got up, went about my business, and went back to bed. In the morning, I wake up next to a slender Burmese man. I was extremely confused and I looked out the doorway to see her standing there signaling me out. Yup. I slept with my girlfriend’s dad.
3. Cringey Computer Cover
When I was in college, I walked in on my roommate while he was watching racy movies in our dorm room. As soon as I walked in, I could tell he just panicked and sat there for one second until calmly turning the monitor off. He then proceeded to take his computer apart for half an hour, saying that he couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong with it. I cringed.
4. An Act of Dominance
I'm a big guy, but my fiancé's female Australian Shepherd always acted dominant around me, and tried to hump my leg on several occasions. So, one day on the back deck of our house, it went at me again. I decided to show her who's boss. I grabbed her from behind and started humping her. I did this for, I don't know, 10 seconds.
When I looked up, the new neighbors—who'd just bought the house next door, were all standing in the yard holding their cardboard boxes... just watching me. At the moment, I thought, "It will seem odd if I stop now." So, I kept going and just waved to them casually. They didn't say a word, and the next week, they put the house back up for sale.
5. Ballgame Belcher
I got into my car to run to the store one night. The baseball game was on the radio. Suddenly, the announcer belched mid-word as he was delivering an advertisement for some betting website. All I heard was, "Head on over to play baAAHGHGHLLL..." It sounded like his insides tried to stage a prison break followed by five seconds of intensely awkward silent air. I was crying.
6. Overtime
I was living at my grandparents' house in between renting and buying a house. I did not have an internet connection in my room, so I sometimes stuck around at work for an hour or two doing random stupid internet things. Nothing inappropriate. I know better than that. One day I was still at work about an hour after closing, writing emails, listening to music on my headphones. I felt a presence, turned around, and saw that the owner and her husband were there, looking at me.
I joked, "Oh hi guys. Depending on how long you've been here, this is a little embarrassing!" I'm pretty sure they thought I was looking up adult videos.
7. Epic Fail
I had a humor speech assignment in my junior year of high school. A female classmate of mine clearly went to the world wide web for her material. She showed up with a stapled packet in her hand and introduced her humor speech as, "The 10 Worst Ways to Commit Suicide." They were all awful with a terrible delivery. There was nothing funny about it and it just didn’t work.
8. The Princess in the Water
When I was a 12-year-old boy, I was swimming on the beach in Point Pleasant, New Jersey one summer afternoon. I was out pretty far into the water and I thought nobody was around. Anyways, as I swam, I invented a random tune in my head. I emerged from the water and proudly sang my song loudly: "ONCE... A PRINCESS... AL-WAYS A PRINCESS!!!"
I sang it loud. I sang it to the Gods. I sang it to Gaia and Mother Earth! I sang it to the 15-year-old guy treading water five feet away from me, who proceeded to give me the most quintessential, “weirded-out” face I've ever seen. I swam there, mortified for a moment before diving into the water and getting as far away as possible.
9. Don’t Toot Your Horn
On the second day of band class when I was in the fifth grade, I ripped a fat toot while our teacher was speaking. The hard plastic chair definitely amplified it to a nearly destructive level of sound. EVERYONE was looking over at me, but I guess I was just in the right mood because, I, and my best friend next to me were laughing hysterically. I remember looking up and seeing some others giggling. Even our teacher was stifling a laugh.
10. The Sneeze
Back in high school, I was a socially awkward geek. In French class, I answered all the questions right. After my 15th question, the popular girl behind me goes cough, nerd, cough. I cough and cuss at her. The whole class gasped—I had cussed out the popular girl in class. She spits on the back of my head, and punches me in the back.
I turn around, about to spit on her, and suddenly... I get the huge urge to sneeze. Yep, you guessed it. I sneezed all over her. My snot was like a web between my nose and her face. I was sent out of the classroom, as the girl screamed and started crying. An hour later, everybody knows. On the bright side, I met the girl's big brother later that day and he fist-bumped me because she was a pain at home.
11. This Girl Is On Fire
Many years ago when women would use a lot of hair spray in their hair, I had a one-night stand with a girl. It ended horribly. After we got busy, she went to light up a smoke and her ENTIRE head turned into a fireball. So there I was, completely naked, beating this chick's head with a pillow to put the fire out. Once she was no longer Ghost Rider, she grabbed her clothes and ran to the bathroom.
She got dressed and ran out of my house crying. Years later, I found out that she was a friend of my roommate's girlfriend at the time. I found this out because she came with my roommate's girlfriend to a party at my house. The same house where she lit her skull on fire. We did not speak of it that night or any other time we crossed paths thereafter.
12. Singing Through the Phone
I was on the phone with the tax office one time, and I'd been on hold for a good 20 minutes before I got overly bored. I decided I'd play my guitar to pass the time. For the next 15 minutes, I played and sang my heart out. Finally, a man took me off hold to tell me that the entire office thoroughly enjoyed my musical stylings, and that I made his day better. I had no idea they could listen to that, and had completely forgotten what I phoned the tax office for.
13. Bloody Mary Anyone?
I was at a girl’s house in high school and we were all secretly drinking in her backyard. Then, her friend needed to use the bathroom and walked full force right into the sliding glass door. Her friend's parents were right inside that room watching TV. Her nose was bleeding so bad that she had to have her parents come to pick her up.
14. A Robe and a Wink
Ran downstairs to get a shirt and bra off the clothes drying rack in my basement one morning, only to find my sister's boyfriend on the floor where he had spent the night. Completely topless, I pulled the, "Maybe if I'm really quiet, he won't notice I'm here." After successfully getting through the door to my laundry freedom, I get a robe and a wink for Christmas about a month later. Fail.
15. No Fooling Pops
It was my freshman year of college and everyone was back home on holiday break. I had my two best friends from high school over to stay the night at my parents' house. We got some booze and also a bag of blow. We hung out in the large finished basement. It had comfy couches, a full bathroom, etc., and we occasionally stepped outside for smoke breaks. Which is how we got ourselves into big trouble.
When we went outside, we accidentally locked ourselves out. We had to go around to another entrance, where we encountered my dad in the kitchen. We were all wasted and tried to make brief, casual conversation. After a couple of minutes, my dad said, "Well you girls all seem to have the sniffles tonight!" I don't even remember what we said in response, but we made our way back to the basement ASAP. He totally knew that we had been snorting stuff. It was so very uncomfortable.
16. Earth-Shattering
I was at a local department store when I was a kid. My mom was doing some shopping and it was around my birthday, so she told me to go look at the video games and try to pick one out and let her know the name and how much it was. So, 8-year-old me goes over to the electronics department and I start looking at the different titles, when a few minutes later I feel a rumbling in my gut. I have to toot.
Well, the store was always understaffed, and I didn't see anyone when I came into the department, so I let it rip. 8-year-old me somehow held an earth-shattering toot in my bowels. This thing was loud. And, of course I'm an immature 8-year-old, I can't help but laugh. I check the price of the game I had been looking at and turn around to go find my mom...when I see the electronics guy crouched down putting stuff on the shelf the next aisle over, looking at me like I was the anti-Christ.
17. Head Banger Bang Up
I was at a Motley Crue concert in a big arena and before the show started, all the lights were on and a beach ball was being passed around. The whole crowd was watching the beach ball while people were filing into the floor section. When the ball reached the floor, a large man was walking out holding two full beers. He went to kick the ball and fell flat on his back and spilled both drinks on his face. The whole stadium was laughing.
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18. Trippy Leaves
I was walking to class one day in the spring and I noticed the leaves reflecting on a windshield of a car about a block away. As I walked, the reflection kind of stretched near the top of the windshield and the leaves were making a cool, warping pattern. The same thing happened with the sky and clouds between trees, so I just kept staring right at this windshield for about a block and moving towards it. I got about four feet in front of the car and I hear someone inside lock the doors like five times.
19. ‘Snot A Good Way To Pass The Time
I was stuck in traffic. The car next to me was going to be there for a while. I got settled in, got my tunes blazing. I looked to my right and there was this girl digging deep with her fingers into both nostrils. She looked to her left and saw me looking at her. You could tell she had just totally blanked on the cars around her. She turned deep, deep red. But that wasn't the worst part.
She slinked way down and stayed like that for the next 10 miles. There would be a moment or two where we would get a car length or so apart, but we would end up side by side again, and she would instantly turn red.
20. The Piano Bar
A couple of years ago I was at a popular piano bar with my friend for her birthday. We were sitting in the very front by the pianos and there were about 200 people in the bar at the time. I went to the restroom and when I came back, the piano players called me over. I danced with them and my backside was facing the audience. When I sat down these two random women come over to me. They said the worst thing possible: "Your dress is tucked into your underpants."
I had been dancing with my bum hanging out the whole time.
21. Crutch Klutz
I remember a new girl came to our high school and she had a broken leg. She was on crutches, and everyone noticed that. One day everyone was in the cafeteria and she came and got in line. She slowly made her way through the line, but right before she reached the cashier, her two crutches hit some water and spread apart. She face-planted with a loud slap. It was as horrible as you imagined. I never saw her again.
22. Mini-Slip
The first time my girlfriend and I went out on a date, we went mini-golfing. Wanting to be the awesome cool new boyfriend and assert my dominance, I jumped across a river and made it. On my attempt to jump back, the rock I was stepping on slipped and I fell sideways into the river. My white shorts were dyed blue along with my shirt and half of my body. I ran through the mini-golf course, jumped over the fence to the parking lot, and waited in my car until my girlfriend could stop laughing enough to get in the car.
23. Know Your Audience
It was my senior year in high school and I was in health class. We had an officer come and talk about random stuff. He started going off about a kid from a local middle school that had brought a gun to school. It was a big story in the local news at the time. He then disclosed that after the investigation, they found out that he was frequently abused by his parents, which no one was aware of. But there was one huge mistake he didn't know he made.
Little did he know that the older brother of the victim was sitting right in front of him. The whole class sat there awkwardly.
24. Indecent Exposure
I was wearing a long dress on an escalator at an airport and it got stuck in the stairs. The gears were pulling in my dress and I was fighting like heck to pull it back out. The escalator was eating my dress and my underpants were rapidly being exposed. I am looking around and start seeing people looking at me in horror. But it got even worse.
When I finally got the dress out, I hobbled to my gate I realized that the waiting area that witnessed my incident was the seating area for my flight. Everyone I'd be spending the next nine hours with saw it happen.
25. Pump And Circumstance
About 10 years ago I was walking into a gas station and a middle-aged man was pumping gas. He tried to awkwardly make a comment about the graphic t-shirt that I was wearing. I believe it was a Motorhead shirt. He asked me if I liked some band and ran out of steam with his attempt to flirt. I assumed flirting was his motive, at least.
I went in and paid. Upon exiting the store and walking to the pump I watched him half-wave goodbye as he prepared to drive away. He took off a little quick and took the gas nozzle with him. It was still attached to his tank. He ripped it all the way out of the pump. It was impressive. I thought it was better than his attempt at conversation, but felt awful for him. He was totally mortified.
26. The Affair
When I was 14 and almost always thought with my junk, I decided it would be great to pleasure myself with protection on. I liked how it felt and did it all the time for about a week. They also happened to be my dad’s condoms, so, long story short—my mom realizes that so many are missing and thinks my father is having an affair.
She comes crying to me about it and my initial reaction is to deny any speculation that I used them. After realizing that this may end my parent’s marriage, I ran upstairs and with tears coming from my eyes I explained to my mom that I used them, not for intercourse, but for self-pleasure. I cried for an hour.
27. Too Much Drama
It all happened during a performance of the high school play. Someone backstage had their microphone on. I'll never forget the words I heard. She said, “I used a condom on your mom last night.” Everyone in the audience, which was made up mostly of parents, heard it. It was like something from a movie. She then had to go out on stage because she had obviously missed her cue.
28. Press Play
The first time I met my ex-girlfriend's parents and family, it was Thanksgiving, and the PS2 had just come out. I went over; we were having dinner and her whole family was there celebrating. Her dad and I start talking. He says he is a big gamer and would love to try it, so I go and get it from my house (I just lived a few miles down the road) along with my VCR because their TV was old and it was the only way the PS2 would work.
So, he starts playing M2K or something. Then about an hour into the session, my ex's little sister is sitting next to the VCR I brought, and accidentally hits play with her foot. This causes the VCR to play a tape, beginning my waking nightmare: the tape happened to be an adult film I left in. Up pops a nude girl on screen—right in front of my ex’s grandmother, little children of the family, mom, everyone. Her dad just says, "God darn satellite!" and tries turning it off with the remote.
I wait a second, probably a little too long, (I could not move from shock) and shamefully get up and walk over to the VCR to turn it off. Her dad says, "Wait was that yours?” Embarrassed as heck, I say, "yep." Everyone laughed and she was so angry, but I ended up being with her for three years so it must have not bothered her dad too bad.
29. On Shallow Ground
I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). I had just started a new job and was fresh to life in America. My boss told me that the washrooms in the hallway were for number twos. It was my second week and I was alone at work. My IBS kicked in big time and when I have an IBS issue, it's instant. I panicked. I ran to the washrooms in the hallway and absolutely dropped it like it's hot in the toilet.
I flushed and realized these weren’t regular, deep European toilets, they were extremely shallow. The excess flushing kept rising up in the bowl until it was coming out all over. It flooded the entire washroom. I had to stand on the toilet seat as the poo water was going everywhere. I calmly walked back into the office in a state of shock and panic.
I went to get the mop at the back of the office when the cleaning person arrived. Then it went from embarrassing to nightmarish. I could hear her screaming, “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.” I had to pretend I didn't know what was wrong. She asked me if someone had used the washroom in the hallway and I was like, “Sorry. I'm new, I didn't know there were toilets in the hallway.”
30. Hobo Pants
This wasn't me, but one time my friend, who's an actor, was onstage for the final performance of a show he was in. His pants were about six sizes too big, and they didn't want him to wear a belt so they had bobby-pinned his pants. That last night, the bobby pins had apparently mostly fallen off, and his pants fell down. No big problem, he was playing a hobo, so he could have just picked them up and held them for the rest of his time onstage... too bad they took his boxers with them. He was naked from the waist down. His parents and his girlfriend were watching.
31. Road Trippin’
I was road tripping and meeting up with a friend in a small city. It was surprisingly hot there and we only brought clothes for colder weather, so I had to wear my swimsuit under my leggings. I was feeling so self-conscious about my dumb outfit, I started nervously rambling as we walked down a long hill. I stumbled on the cracked sidewalk and lost my balance.
I thought I had regained it but instead fell in the most awkward, preventable, slow motion ever sitting position, off the sidewalk and into the grass. My friend didn’t even grab me because he thought I was doing some type of interpretive dance or something. When I landed in my final position, I stuck my entire right hand into a fresh pile of dog poo and my leggings were ripped. We didn’t even laugh cause he was just too weirded out by me.
32. Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?
I used to wear glasses, hearing aids, braces, and had severe cystic acne. My doctor put me on Accutane (for the acne) and it made my face insanely dry. One day a few weeks after starting the medication, my friend made me laugh hard in class—it cracked the skin on my cheeks and my face bled in the shape of my smile like Heath Ledger's joker scar. I was an abomination.
33. A Case Of Mistaken Identity
I was working at a restaurant and the bar was full. I was entering some drinks into the computer that was next to a patron who was saving a seat for his friend. An old high school friend of his came up to him. They chatted a bit and talked about how nice it was to see each other. She asked if he minded if she took the seat next to him.
He apologized and told her that he was actually meeting someone. She said in a confused voice, "We were supposed to be meeting." All the blood drained from his face. He realized he thought he had been talking to someone else. They were both mortified. He began profusely apologizing and said she should at least sit down and have a margarita with him. I don't know how the conversation went after that but it was so hard to witness.
34. The Long Hug
I had a crush on a girl back in 10th grade. We flirted with each other and she told me via MSN that she would like a hug when she came back to school (she was sick for like two weeks straight). So, when the day came, I hugged her. It was super awkward. I hugged her for like a minute straight, and she calmly asked if I would let go of her. That minute felt like an eternity and felt embarrassing as heck.
After 11 years it still makes me cringe when I think about it.
35. Language Barfs Class
I was sitting in my 12th grade English class and all of a sudden, this kid got up. He started running towards the door. Apparently, he wasn't feeling well and was heading for the bathroom. Unfortunately, he didn't quite make it and absolutely sprayed vomit all over the door. He tried to put his hand in front of his mouth to cover it, which ended up like a thumb-over-the-hose type situation.
36. Whipped Cream
I used to wait tables. During a busy Sunday post-church lunch rush, I had to make a sundae for a table in the very back corner of the restaurant. I get to the table and the entire party starts laughing. I'm standing there holding the sundae, super confused. I look down and realize that I had somehow managed to get a large amount of whipped cream directly over my crotch while preparing the sundae. It was nowhere else on me. Just my crotch.
All I could do was put the sundae down, say, "Oh my gosh!" and speed walk back through the entire restaurant to clean myself up.
37. Waterpark Peep Show
When I was about 15 years old, I was at a waterpark. I was floating through the lazy river and came around the bend to see an absolutely gorgeous young lifeguard on the side. It took all of my courage, but I smiled and waved a little. He looked at me like I was insane. I only realized why far too late. I got a little further and found out that one of the waterfalls had pushed my bikini top down and I had smiled at him with one of my breasts out.
38. A Morning Swim
I was staying at a nice hotel while traveling for work. They had a great pool. I went in there one morning and I was the only one there. I started messing about, recreating the opening scene of Jaws where the girl realizes that her leg has been bitten off, then lots of splashing like the shark had come back for the second go. Then I tried a bit of synchro, kicking my legs up in various shapes.
Then I did a bit of goalkeeper practice by throwing my goggles and diving to catch them. Then I saw a window overlooking the pool and a family of six people eating breakfast and watching me. I'm a 51-year-old man.
49. Wheelin’ And Reelin’
When I was just a young teenager, I went for a run at the neighborhood park. I was wrapping up my third or so lap when I realized some boys, who were about my age, were hanging around the path on their bikes just ahead of me. As I approached, one of them popped a wheelie and called out, "Hey, how's your run going?" Actually, it was more like, "Hey, how's your run goi--" because as he was speaking, he proceeded to crash into the enormous metal lamp post directly in front of him.
There was an extremely loud clanging sound as he smacked his face into the post and fell off his bike and onto the concrete path. All of his friends laughed and I admit, I let out a small chuckle too, which I immediately felt pretty terrible about. They were gone by the time I had my next lap and I never noticed them at the park again.
40. Bathroom Affirmations
I was doing this self-help wacky hypnosis thing to lose weight, and part of it involved reciting affirmations to yourself (I am strong. I can be thin, etc.). I was in the men's room at my office, which had separate areas for the sinks and stalls/urinals, in front of the mirror doing my thing for several minutes, when suddenly there was a flush and my coworker walked out looking kind of sheepish. We never spoke of it.
41. High Shine Shiner
I was installing some appliances in a customer's house with two other co-workers. I went to step into the backyard and the glass door was really clean so I walked into it. My foot hit it, then my knee, then my head, and I stumbled back. One co-worker instantly cracked out some joke and he and the other started laughing like hyenas. Even the lady whose house it was tried not to laugh, but failed pretty badly.
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42. Scout Camp
When I was in eighth grade, I went to a scout camp with a few of my friends. One of the nights, we were in the cabin and everyone was asleep, except me. I couldn't fall asleep, so I was quietly awake when I started to hear this strange sound. It sounded like someone was pleasuring themselves. I looked over to where the sound was coming from, and one of my friends was sitting there doing the deed.
I was like, "DUDE, WHAT THE HECK" and all he could say was, "I thought you were asleep." I was more embarrassed than he was!
43. Indecent Proposal
I was driving through the middle of Mississippi, in a very backwoodsy area. I stopped at some dirty, hole-in-the-wall gas station to fill up and use their bathroom. I was using the stall and someone came in behind me to use the urinal. We were the only two men in there. This complete stranger said to me, "You want anything?" I froze in terror. I was speechless.
He said, "Hello? You in there?" I seriously thought I was getting propositioned, straight up Deliverance style. Just then another person entered the bathroom. This guy was shocked to recognize him as his grandson. As I went to quickly escape, this guy was red as a beet and profusely apologized to me. He thought I was his grandson in the stall. Thank goodness, but I still booked it out of there real quick.
44. The Wedgie
I was at an IHOP with some friends and had received a serious wedgie upon sliding into my booth. The longer I sat there, the worse it got, so by the time we finished eating I was ready to fix the problem. I stepped out the front door and around the sidewall of the little entryway to pick it, and since no one was driving through the parking lot I figured I was safe but didn't want anyone sneaking up so I kept my back to the wall. Big. Mistake.
I was digging, hand down the back of my pants, yanking out the offending cloth when one of my friends walked around the corner and immediately started laughing at me and pointing. It took me a second to figure out she wasn't laughing at me, but the poor family having breakfast behind the plate glass window that was looking at me in horror. In fact, the whole front of the restaurant is like a giant window...
45. Schooled
I backed out of an angled parking space into a homeless guy riding a bicycle—in front of dozens of high school kids. I was an adult when this happened. The impact knocked the poor guy off his bike, but when I got out to check on him, he was already riding away, saying he was ok. Some of the high school boys yelled, “NICE DRIVING!”
46. The Men’s Bush
I studied abroad in Germany. Now a nice thing about Germany is that you can drink outside, and nobody cares. So, when I first arrived all fresh-faced and stupid, and my German friends invited me to go drinking at a festival on the river, well, I went. So, as things often go, when you've been drinking for a while, you need to pee. And I am no exception to the rule.
Yet somehow, and this is really beyond me, there was no provision for this basic human need at this big festival. So I decided I'd just go in a bush or something. Granted, I was wearing pretty tight jeans, and when you're a girl, that means that peeing outside is sort of challenging, but hey, I had to go. So, I go behind my bush, ducking from the well-lit street fair to the pitch blackness of the park.
I perform what is just a spectacular acrobatic maneuver, pants around ankles, bracing myself on two different trees to avoid peeing on my pants. I heave this big enormous sigh of satisfaction as I begin struggling my way back into said pants. My night vision slowly creeps back and I see a terrible sight. I am not alone. There are at least twenty people peeing here and what is worse, this seems to be the men's bush. Exclusively. Twenty men, dongs in hand, just a-staring.
47. Exposed
One time when I was at a swimming pool, I saw a kid with his mom. The kid was probably around 10 or 12 years old. He was changing and he had a towel covering himself. His mom was holding the towel, however, she lost her grip. The towel fell down and everyone saw the poor boy naked. He ran away crying. I still feel bad for that kid to this day.
48. Freaky Father-In-Law
My wife and I lived with her elderly parents, who were 73 and 69. They were both super nice and we all got along well. Her dad was a pretty serious/manly and quiet type of guy. They liked for us all to go for breakfast every Sunday. He would go and sit in the car, and that’s how we know it was time to go. One Sunday I was hungover from a party and I looked out the window.
He was in his car waiting. I thought I better hurry and get going, as he valued punctuality. As I waltzed over to the car, I saw his eyes dart up at me. Then, he kind of fumbled with his phone. I thought nothing of it and jumped in the back and bid him good morning. I wish I'd never witnessed this next part. There was nothing but loud moaning sounds blaring from his phone as he desperately tried to turn it off.
After about five seconds, he was finally able to shut it off. Since I was hungover, I was feeling a bit fuzzy so I was pretty dazed and confused. I felt so uncomfortable, I actually brought up the weather. As I was talking, the moaning sound effects blared out AGAIN and I had to endure a few more seconds of him desperately trying to turn it off. I had nothing to bring us out of that one. Never addressed it and we sat in silence for five minutes before my wife and her mom joined us.
49. Establishing Authority
When I used to deliver the paper in the mornings there was a dog who would always growl at me and it scared me every single morning. I then came to the conclusion that I needed to establish authority. So, one morning I saw the dog and as soon as it started growling, I snapped my fingers and said something like, "You better shut the heck up before I smack you with this newspaper."
I hadn't seen the owner sitting on the porch sipping her coffee. She looked at me shocked, I had always been a sweet 13-year-old boy when I went over to do my collections every week.
50. His Kick Gave Quite A Blow
Many years ago, I spent a summer working in the administration building of a large chemical plant. Our department went to a presentation given by a local officer about parking lot safety. He demonstrated several techniques to thwart attackers. He went to demonstrate a kick and let out a loud toot when he did. He bravely continued as if it didn’t happen and no one acknowledged it. I was barely 20 and struggled mightily to keep a straight face.
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51. A Blissful Flight
I will never forget this... ever. I was on a long flight a couple of years ago. I ended up falling asleep for something like six hours. Upon waking up, I decided to just keep lying down with my eyes closed and relaxing. However, due to my extremely dreamy state, I believed I had just woken up alone, in my room as usual. And what do I do when I wake up alone? I pass gas. A lot.
I started to just let them rip, one after the other. And not quiet ones... these were loud and deadly. After a few minutes of nonstop action, I open my eyes. The old lady next to me is freaking staring at me, along with half of the other passengers on the plane. The whole place smells foul. I was so ridiculously embarrassed that I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep for the rest of the flight.
52. The Pickup Artist
Once, at a casino, I witnessed one of those stereotypical pickup artists try to make his move on a woman who looked 20 years younger than him. The number of ways he tried convincing the girl to make out with him was insane and very cringe-inducing. Eventually, she just called him a creep or something and left. The dude had no shame and was seriously menacing, but I have to say, his dedication was objectively impressive.
53. The Cheesecake
When my husband and I were newly married, we lived in my sister's basement. We had our own fridge in the basement but no kitchen. We had this red velvet cheesecake in the fridge and I really wanted some, but I didn't feel like going upstairs to get a plate and fork. So, I waited until my husband was in the shower, went to the fridge, picked up the cheesecake by the cardboard bottom and sank my teeth into it.
It was so good it took me a full three bites before I realized my husband was standing there just watching me. He had come to grab a towel and saw the whole thing. I was mortified. He was disgusted but entertained. He now tells that story every time we meet new people.
54. My Dad Was Mucking Embarrassed
I grew up in eastern Europe. Once, my dad got into a drunken bar fight. His punishment was bizarre and cruel. Officers caught him and he was "sentenced" to be mucked the next day. Mucking is an informal sort of punishment they used, where basically you're taken to a cowshed, tied up in the corner, have 6-8 shovelfuls of manure shoveled onto you, and you're left there until sundown to think about your actions.
I remember him hugging me right before he left to serve his four hours on the farm, saying that it was a good lesson for us kids not to do what he did, and he accepts the punishment. I could tell he was really shaken up, which surprised me. He looked utterly miserable and embarrassed afterward, and my mom complained about the stench for DAYS.
55. David Schwimmer
Long ago, I lived in a big house with several people. Everyone was in their rooms and I was alone in the living room. I am flicking through the TV and I land on an episode of Friends. Joey and Monica are talking and then Ross walks in. For some unexplainable reason I just glared at the TV with a venomous look and with a growling sort of whisper I said, "SCHWIMMER."
At some point, my boyfriend had come out of his room and was behind me and just busted out laughing at me. I was so embarrassed because I had no explanation for it. I have nothing against David Schwimmer, and I have no idea why I said that, but to this day when I think of Friends, I think about that story.
56. Porta Potty Panic
I was in the military. One night, I watched a female soldier with a bad stomach problem run into a porta-potty. She was ripping her pants down while opening the door. We immediately heard the noise from her release and, at the same time, the noise from the girl that she had just sat down on top of. Both ran out of the little blue bathroom screaming and horrified.
57. The Elevator
I was working on a project at work one day and ended up staying really late. I ordered some Indian food and whatnot so I could get out as soon as possible. Normally my building clears out around 5:30-6:00 pm, and I was there till about 10 pm on this one particular evening. On my way out, I jumped into the 14th-floor elevator (slowest elevator in the world) and it started to descend. Thinking I was the only one who could possibly be in this building at this time, and I ripped a big nasty Indian food toot.
Just as I finished, the elevator stopped and three models from the modeling agency on the 13th floor got in. I started to panic since the smell had not risen to nose level yet and almost just got off on their floor, but they were obviously the last ones out of their office, so that was just kind of awkward. As the door shuts and we start to descend, I'm staring down at my phone and just waiting for the inevitable.
The girls were giggling and talking about what they were going to do for the weekend and then all of a sudden, silence. At this point, I was wildly laughing in my head, and wanting to curl up and hide all at the same time. I was staring down at my phone hunching, hoping that they wouldn't be able to see my face, while we made the trip down the next 12 floors which seemed like hours.
58. Theatre Theatrics
I used to work at a movie theater. It had been slow all night and the lobby was now empty. As I closed up, I had my back turned to the lobby and while I was wiping down the popper, I started singing poker face by Lady Gaga. Except it was Cartman's version, so just as I finished the song in my best Cartman voice, I heard the distinct sound of a bucket hitting the counter. I turned around to find a customer doing his best to stifle a laugh. I have no idea how long he had been standing there.
Another time, I was cleaning during a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua and during the credits they played this song that kept repeating "Chihuahua!" I sang along and anytime it said "Chihuahua!" I shook my butt. Then I realized the manager had come in to help me clean the theater. I was incredibly embarrassed, but I caught him going down the stairs whoop whooping like Zoidberg one time so I suppose we're even.
59. A Memorable Sunday Service
I was in church with my whole school for the annual Founders Day service. The Bishop gave the Lord's Prayer. In the split second of silence after the "Amen," someone broke wind really loudly. I tried not to laugh out loud by grabbing my nose, but then a massive nosebleed ensued. I had to walk out of the church bleeding profusely and laughing. But it wasn't over.
I went outside and found one of the art teachers and one of the English teachers kissing. They looked quite embarrassed and freaked out at the blood-soaked, cackling 14-year-old that had discovered their romantic tryst.
60. The Paraphernalia
When I was about 15, I printed out some adult stories I found online and proceeded to hide them under my brother’s old bed as he had moved out. I thought they would never get found and if they were, my parents would think they were his. Unfortunately, I was wrong. My mum decided to clear out his old room and she found them.
The one thing I had forgotten was they had the date I had printed them out on them, and it was after my brother had moved out. My mum flipped out at me and to make matters worse they were bondage stories. I was mortified and couldn't look at my mum for weeks, and my stepdad tried to comfort me telling me it was ok and it happens to lots of people. Oh yeah, also I'm a girl.
61. It Wouldn’t Leaf Me Alone
I was walking across the parking lot towards the entrance of the grocery store as a man was walking out. The sun was shining directly in my face. Suddenly, I noticed something sort of fluttering around next to my face. I assumed it was some kind of bug and started freaking out. I was frantically moving my upper body around to dodge it and trying to swat it, making what I’m sure was a rather unattractive face.
It was a leaf. The man walking towards me, who did not have the sun in his eyes and could see it was a leaf, tried to stifle his laughter as he passed.
62. Free Show
High school. Wanted to have some fun after Winter Ball. Drove my date to a secluded area to have some fun in the car. After a few minutes, I see something outside the window moving. Windows were kind of steamy, can't see much, so I ignore it. After a few more minutes, I couldn't ignore it any longer so I got closer for a better look. It was a freaking bum with his pants around his ankles and his junk in his hand. I scream, my date screams, and we had to get out of there as fast as we could. Fun was now over.
63. The Kitchen Just Got Hotter
My boss’s name was BJ, and he liked to go on vacation a lot, so we started referring to taking a vacation day as a “BJ”. Yes, this came back to bite us, big time. One day, we were in a morning circle meeting with about 30 people. Our Executive Director, who was a woman, started praising our head chef for a good job. He was a nice, somewhat shy guy.
Not thinking, he said, “I should get two BJs for that!” He turned bright red and we laughed for five minutes straight.
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64. The Singers
Yesterday I was about to walk around the corner of my apartment building to go through the alley to the parking lot. No one was around and for some reason, Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait" popped into my head. I'm a pretty good singer and I'm good at funny voices, so I belted out, "I DONT WANNA WAIT!!" in this goofy tone as I turned the corner. The moment I've completed my turn of the corner I'm face to face with some dude who simultaneously turned the same corner in the opposite direction.
Now, I know he heard me. We're face to face, about eight inches of tense, awkward air separating us as we stare at each other right in the eyes, his dumbfounded bemusement counterbalancing my quickly escalating panic attack. I didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to do. We held this pose for about five seconds and then, never looking away for an instant, I sang in a decrescendo, "For our lives to be over." I don't know why I did that, but it had no effect on this guy.
So, I just walked around him and shuffled down the alley, already trying to suppress the memory of the awkward moment. I looked overt shoulder, and saw he hadn't moved, but was looking at me as well. I still don't know if this was in my head or not, but I swear as I walked away, I heard the faintest singing voice, "I want to know right now what will it be?"
When I looked back, he was gone. I haven't seen him since.
65. No Use Crying Over A Spilled Pint
I was sitting with my partner and toddler at a borderline fancy brewpub. We were sitting two tables away from a young guy who was on his phone, waiting for the server to bring his drinks. The server came with his drinks and dropped an entire pint of beer and a pint of water on his lap. He just kept calm and tried to dry himself off a bit. He called his wife to bring him another pair of pants and got new drinks.
66. Just Like the Old Movies
I was walking down this street by my house when I caught a really great smell. I looked around and pinpointed where the aroma was coming from. About two houses down, this lady was setting a pie out on her windowsill. I had to have it. I thought, I’ve seen this go down in old-time movies, the lady leaves the pie out, they cut to a guy walking down the street, I snatch the pie and make a run for it.
I walked right up and grabbed it, then realized I'd made a huge mistake. This thing was red hot. I panicked and dropped it down at my feet. I didn’t know what to do, so I took off my shirt and used it as a potholder and picked it up. My plan was going all wrong and I wanted a quick getaway. Instead, here I was still standing at this lady’s window, shirtless. “Hey!” I heard her scream at me, “What are you doing? Give me that pie!”
And so, I freaked out and ran like three blocks, still no shirt on, holding this pie in my hands. I had no idea where to go, but eventually ended up in a random park. I'm thinking about my life choices when I hear, “That’s him officer! And that’s my pie!”
I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I went to pick up the pie to hand it back to her, but I forgot how hot the pie was, so when I picked it up, I screamed, “Yow!” and I threw the pie to the ground, destroying it. I looked back up at the lady, I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I just ran away.
67. Flirting With Disaster
I was running in the park but had finished my run and was walking out. This guy who was about 10 years older than me, and had kids with him, stopped me. He tried to flirt with me, and within a one or two-minute conversation, told me he had been watching me. He asked me if I was running to try and lose weight and asked me for a phone number, but I declined.
It was basically a master course in what not to say. I wonder if it's one of those things he looks back on and cringes, because I sure do.
68. Tyrannosaurus Roar
A few years back, I was trying to get with this girl. She was way out of my league, 9/10, but she was a friend's sister and was pretty into me. So, I invited her, her sister, and a few of her friends over for a party. Things were going great until a dude and his girlfriend wound up passing out in my bed. I was bummed to say the least, but the girl snuck into my room and stole my comforter and pillows from them and was like, "Let's just sleep on the floor in the living room." SCORE! Things were awesome as everyone else filtered into the other bedrooms or went home. We made out all night, but that was about it. We eventually passed out spooning.
The next morning, I heard her leave, and almost immediately after the door shut, I let out one of the single biggest toots I have ever let fly in my 27 years of existence. I'm talking about one of those ones that leaps out of your butt with a tyrannosaurus roar. If you would've had a slow-motion camera pointed at my butt you could've seen the shockwave.
Little did I know that the object of my affection was still lying next to me and wide awake. She hadn't left. It was her sister, whose voice was almost identical. My date awkwardly left, and then later that day, her sister called me to ask if I had pooped myself. I was mortified. And, needless to say, things didn't go too well between us after that morning.
69. Their Minds Were In The Gutter
It was the first day of school and I was the new kid. We were all taking turns introducing each other. We had to say our names, our hobbies and interests, and stuff like that. When my turn came, an adorable girl I now call my best friend kept giving her input after I said something. Things like, "Oh yeah! I've read/seen it too!" and so on.
So, when it was her turn, I decided to do the same. I did what she did and it was fine until she said she liked and was reading the Twilight series. She was looking at me as she was saying it. When she saw my eyebrows rise slightly and my head tilt, she blushed. Then she immediately added something bizarre: "THE CLEAN VERSION! THE CLEAN VERSION!”
I had raised my eyebrows because I was intrigued that she liked the "vampire romance" stuff, not because of anything else. It shocked me that she would be so quick to assume that I thought she was reading something inappropriate. Heck, I didn't even know there was a "clean" or a "dirty" version. I found it to be a little suspicious and I suspected that she actually may have been reading the "unclean" version, if there even was such a thing.
She blushed even more when she saw my eyebrow skyrocket at her reaction, and the teacher's look of, "excuse me, there's a dirty version?" She was understandably flustered. She finished her introduction in a hurry and sat back down. The class was dirty-minded as a whole, so I can only guess what they were thinking after that.
70. Gone for Six
When I was 16, my mates and I were playing cricket. I was waiting for my turn to bowl when my mate hit a ball harder than I'd ever seen. The hard cricket ball was heading for me at an incredible speed and all I could think of to evade the ball was to do a weird kind of star jump. Unfortunately, this technique failed dismally and instead of missing the ball, I had perfectly positioned my genitals directly in front of the ball's trajectory.
The ball cannoned into my love spuds at an incredible rate. The first sensation was an intense stinging feeling, like a hornet had stung my knob. This quickly gave way to the most intense nausea I have ever experienced. I projectile vomited everywhere, all the while screaming. While this was going on, I remember my friend saying in a panicked voice, "WHAT HAVE I DONE, he's never going to be able to have kids!"
At some point one of my mates called an ambulance and it arrived fairly soon after. To add to an already fairly humiliating situation, there was a very pretty 18-year-old girl who was riding around with the ambulance for work experience. I have a clear memory of her shrivelling up her face as the EMT examined my swollen member. But then it got even worse.
I went to the hospital, where, after examining me, a female doctor instructed me to pleasure myself as soon as possible and to inform my parents if there were any difficulties or "unusual discharge." Mortifying.
71. The Festival Flirt
I was on my first official date with my partner and we were at a festival when this girl came up to us to say hi to him. She was clearly flirting with him and her friends gave me this smug look like “you have no chance with him,” which I started laughing at. The chick ignored me and asked if he was doing anything right now because she wanted to talk in private. His response shut her right down.
He was like, “Well I'm on a date with my girlfriend right now. So, no.” The look on her face still sustains me years later.
72. Heavy Flow
I was in sixth grade with a super heavy irregular period. One day, I was sitting in the front of the classroom, just doing my thing, when a friend of mine came up and whispered to me that I had bled through. That was putting it lightly. My entire bum was drenched in blood. It looked like my nether-regions had murdered something and was vomiting up the remains. I have no idea how I didn't notice it.
I tied my sweater around my waist, walked to the nurse's office, got a non-blood-soaked pair of pants. And then I had to walk back to a class, in a pair of pants that were not my own, and clean the puddle of blood off of my chair. All in front of a classroom of my sixth-grade peers, most of whom probably didn't know what a period was. Thank god I moved less than a year later.
73. Caught With A Full Load
One night during my senior year of high school, I went out with a girl who I had been dating for a bit. We ended up in the back seat and it was our first time doing anything intimate. She used a shirt I had on earlier to clean up our friskiness. We had some more fun and I got her back before curfew. I got home just as my dad was heading to bed.
He heard me come in, asked how the date went, turned the corner, looked at me, and started laughing. He said, "I see it went well enough." I had put the wrong shirt back on and had a big load of my spooge right on the front of it. It had been scrunched like tie-dye and stretched back out. He walked away shaking his head. He made jokes about it for at least a week.
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74. An Adventure in Target
I was in Target at closing time. I was around the food section browsing their fruit snacks—Gushers, Fruit Rollups, etc. It was the back corner of the store so it was relatively isolated and uninhabited. I feel a gurgle in my large intestine and an all-too-familiar pressure on my sphincter. Seeing as I had gorged myself with Taco Bell earlier, I wasn't surprised. So I snuck away and prepared to pass gas privately.
Nope. The sound was unearthly, like a wet sheet being torn in half. It was a toot that lasted almost five full seconds. It was so loud and so satisfying that I felt truly out of breath. The smell was from that of Hades' depths, of rotting corpses with a hint of eggs and broccoli. As I left the aisle, I see a little old Chinese lady with a basket full of groceries. She was still, bundled up in a big parka jacket and snow boots, with one gloved hand up to her face, plugging her nose. Her eyes squinted at me with such disdain that even serial offenders would feel remorse. I awkwardly said "hi" and ran out.
75. Gotta Love A Man In A Uniform
I used to work in a big cafeteria at a department store. We had uniforms that we changed into and out of on-site. One day I was working when a guy walked past me and greeted me by name. At first, I didn't recognize him because he was out of uniform. Then I realized who it was and loudly blurted out, "Oh Bill, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.” Multiple customers heard it.
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76. Jimi Rocks
When I was 14, my parents went out for the night and left me at home. I was really into Jimi Hendrix at the time, so I decided to order a cheese pizza and listen to my tunes while I waited for the delivery guy. Before I knew it, I found myself with my Guitar Hero guitar around my neck and a tie-dyed bandana on my forehead like Jimi at Woodstock.
At some point after the solo in that song, I managed to open my eyes and I had the life scared out of me by some really tall guy with long metalhead hair and a giant beer gut in my bedroom rocking out with his eyes closed. I actually screamed like a girl when I saw him. I then noticed the pizza box that he had set down on top of my dresser and managed to stop screaming. He said that he kept ringing the doorbell but I never came down to open the door so he let himself in.
He figured that I was rocking out because I had my music so loud so he came upstairs to give me my pizza but didn't want to interrupt my jamming so he put the pizza down for a minute and started jamming along with me. The guy started rocking out with me when he saw that I was in the zone and said that he didn't mean to scare me. We both laughed about it and I paid for my pizza before walking downstairs with the guy. Before he walked out the door he said "Jimi freaking rocks, doesn't he?" I could only say, "Yeah, Jimi rocks."
77. Always Look Ahead
A few years ago, when I was single, I was walking through the city center and passed a very attractive young lady. She turned to look at me as she walked past me. As she did, she smiled, winked, and turned back around...only to walk face-first into a no parking sign. You could hear the metallic clang as her forehead hit the post all the way across the street. One quick red face, and she was gone.
78. The Snot Tent
Seventh grade Spanish test. It's all quiet in the room. I'm a long-haired, greasy, socially awkward geek. I feel a sneeze coming on but decide to hold it back so as to not draw attention to myself. I try, but cannot contain the sneeze inside. It takes the path of least resistance out of my body—my completely stuffed-up nose. The sound is incredible.
The snot tent is amazing. A fully formed spider web of snot between my desk and my face. The classroom turns to look at me and sit in stunned silence. After about 10 seconds, the girl in front of me (the hottest seventh-grader in school) says loudly, "That's gross!" Everyone laughs. I try to disappear.
79. My Pride Got Swiped At The Mall
I work at a mall in a small town, and I was walking to get some water for my boss and myself. Just as I was passing the seating area in the center of the mall, I happened to notice a random guy on his phone. As I was passing, what I saw made me stop in my tracks. It was my face on his screen, and he was on a dating app. Right at that moment, he swiped left on ME.
He and I locked eyes and I just hustled faster past the seating area in defeat. I still can't believe this happened, but it did.
80. A Nice Dinner Photo
I got my wife an early birthday gift; a smartphone, the first one ever for her. But when her actual birthday rolls around, since I'd already given her her big gift, I decide to give her another kind of treat. I sensualized myself up. Oil all over me, a tie and some shirt cuffs, no other clothing (I was going for a Chippendales dancer look). I call her back, and she is rolling in this—just loves it. Takes a picture with her new phone.
The plot thickens; we go fishing, catch a few, head home, and filet and cook the fish. It truly looks like a gourmet meal. Wife takes a picture of the fish with the phone, but before she goes to bed, she uploads it to show off our nice day together. Except she accidentally uploads my Chippendales photo, thinking it was the prepared fish filets. She titles it, "Dinner Yum!!!"
We deleted it on the computer, but not before it got two comments..from her mom and sister.
81. A Pregnant Pause
When I was in the Air Force, every year we would have a large party on the base that you would bring your significant other to and have dinner, drinks, dance, etc. There were several of us from our shop that were standing in a half-circle talking when a lowly Airman coworker asked our Master Sergeant’s wife when she was due. The Master Sergeant’s wife, who was overweight, retorted, "I'm not pregnant!"
We all just stood there, dumbfounded and uncomfortable until the subject was changed. I still cringe thinking about it.
82. No Joking Matter
This one has haunted me for years...It was the first week of tenth grade, and I was new at my high school. My other new kid friends and I sat down at a table in the cafeteria, and another new girl sat down with us. She was in a wheelchair. So, I expected her to be really timid and introverted, but she was actually sarcastic and funny, introducing herself and making jokes about being in a wheelchair.
Her: "I'm trying out for field hockey!" Me: "Wait, really?" Her: "Hahaha no you idiot, I'm in a wheelchair." Eventually one of my friends boldly asks her about how she ended up in a wheelchair. She says it was cancer. My friend asks which kind. She responds, "Leukemia, have you heard of it?" Now, bear in mind, she was funny. She really was. And come on, who hasn't heard of leukemia? So, my gut reaction to her response was that it must be a joke. I mean, everyone's heard of leukemia!
It was too late. I burst out laughing. I immediately realized what had happened and tried to cover it up by gasping. It only made it worse. Everyone at the table glared at me. I spent the rest of lunch in absolute silence, and I never spoke to her again.
83. A Hairy Situation
I was at a Red Wings hockey game. The damp humid air had made the concrete aisles slippery, especially the further away from the ice you were. A guy slipped and started sliding down the aisle from the top rows almost as if he were on a Slip ‘N Slide. My buddy reached out to try and grab him to keep from sliding another 10 or 20 rows.
The guy slid right past him, and my buddy got a panicked glint in his eyes as he lifted his hand toward me. When I saw what was in it, I nearly burst out laughing. He was clutching the guy’s toupee. My bud apparently grabbed at the dude, only to get a grip on his hairpiece as he slid down what must have been 30 rows. He was unharmed but he never returned to retrieve the hair. We decided to leave it on the armrest in case the guy decided to sneak back to get it.
84. The Green Goblin
In first grade my entire school had to go to some assembly where the actors sang and danced to try to get the students to learn "the fun way." Now, what makes this interesting was that I was watching some Spiderman cartoons the night before. During the assembly, one of the actresses asks the audience, "Who sailed the ocean blue in 1492?" She calls on me and I blurted out the first name I thought of: "Norman Virgil Osbourne!" ...AKA the Green Goblin. I said this quite confidently, by the way.
The whole auditorium became deathly silent at this point. The actress had this look of pity on her face for a good five seconds before she said, "No, that’s not... right." I'm in college now, and although I think absolutely NO ONE remembers it, I will forever.
85. A Pig Prom-blem
In high school, we had some Mean Girls-style drama between me and my friends. One of them asked a boy I really liked to prom. She did this knowingly and I was really mad at her about it. But oh, I got revenge. One day we were all at her house, and I snuck around and cut up her prom dress out of spite. I thought I had gotten away with it until I got home from school the next day and my dad was waiting for me with crossed arms.
I said, "I guess this means I'm not going to prom then?" He said, "Oh no, you're going to prom, but you're going to wish you hadn't." He informed me that he had taken my own prom dress that day and hung it up in our pig barn, where it was going to stay for two weeks until prom. I was to put it on right before it was time to go. It was dreadful.
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86. Dragged Along
I was 13, and my family and I were on a skiing holiday. My parents had decided to sign me up for lessons, so that my dad could get some good skiing in and my mum and sister could relax and drink hot chocolate. I had been throwing myself down mountain slopes with about as much grace as a brick, and I was exhausted. We had time for one more run, so we all waddled over to the T bar machine.
Somehow, my jacket got caught on the bar, which knocked me to the ground. Somehow, this is not the embarrassing part... It then dragged me along the snow toward some rough ice that managed to pull down my ski pants, thermals and underwear, exposing my bare bum to an entire slope of people. When I finally got help, I cried the entire way down.
The real kicker was getting back, telling my family this story (while still sobbing through wounded butt and wounded pride) and having my dad and sister howl with laughter while my mum desperately tried to comfort me.
87. Eye’ll Patch Her Up
I worked in a dental office and saw this patient twice. The first time she came in was because she broke a temporary crown after falling down the stairs. She had also cut the calve of her leg in a giant V-shape. I fixed her up and sent her on her way. The second time I saw her was for a crown seat. I asked her how her leg was healing.
Before I could finish my sentence, she lifted her leg to show me and split her leg back open on this metal bar that's installed on one of our trays. There was blood everywhere. I was so frazzled. I was untrained for this kind of situation, so I asked for help. I got up and retrieved some gauze and my co-worker had handed me an eye patch.
SHE HANDED ME AN EYE PATCH FOR A LEG WOUND. She was so embarrassed that we burst out laughing. The patient ended up being okay. She was incredibly embarrassed by the whole situation, t00. The blood soaked through her pants and her stitches were ripped. She insisted she was okay to walk out the door—and she did just that. I haven’t seen her since.
88. Career Ender
When I was 13, a doctor wrote me an adult dose for a certain medicine based on my weight. I was a fat kid, but it was the wrong dose and the medicine ended up constipating me... for a month. I did not poop for a whole month. I got sick. I had raccoon-like eyes, my stomach would jump or flutter by itself, I had cramps, etc. It was bad. I was miserable.
I finally told my parents how long it had been since I had gone number two and they freaked out and took me to the hospital. There, they gave me three enemas back to back. After the third one, the water softened all that hard poop just enough that I could expel it. I ran to the nearest bathroom, gown open in the back, and tried to make it to the toilet. I didn't.
My butt was hovering at a 45-degree angle above the toilet when the geyser burst. This next part is not a lie, but I know some of you will think it is. I got poo everywhere. On the ceiling (somehow), on the floor, the toilet was covered, the walls, even the sink got hit with some spray. Poo was literally, yes literally, sprayed on all walls and the ceiling. It was everywhere.
I felt like a new kid after that. Cleaned myself up the best I could, and then had to figure out what to do. There was no way I could clean it all up, I needed a janitor. So, I walked out and politely told a nurse the bathroom needed a clean-up badly.
A janitor was only a few rooms down for some reason, so I saw him go by to clean it, but he did not know who I was. He got to the bathroom and the whole ER heard, "Oh heck no, I am not cleaning this up. I quit" and he did. I felt so bad, still do. I made some poor janitor quit his job over a poo-caked bathroom.
89. This Presentation Deserves Extra Credit
I was doing an extra credit presentation about a nuclear-powered engine. I tried to draw the ship itself, with all the radiation shielding, and the crew quarters, in both side view and rearview. I thought all the technology was so neat, so I was excited. I was up at the board drawing this thing. I was trying to explain what I was drawing and the repercussions of being able to have an engine that fast.
As I was drawing and explaining, I started to hear giggles. My friend sort of got my attention, and I eventually stepped back and looked up at my drawing. Horror slowly dawned on me. I realized I had basically drawn a giant male dong with a studded ring, and what could possibly pass for a very round, very angry, or very fuzzy female organ on the other side.
I was mortified and I completely forgot everything I was hoping to discuss. I just sort of erased the pictures, squeaked out a few more points, answered some questions from the article, and went back to my seat.
90. Improv Cussing
It was a Friday and I didn't have school. I was sleeping in and my dad works at home. I hear him come out of the office and he begins to profusely scream, swearing at the top of his lungs while alternating between profanities. I was very concerned but decided it was better if I stayed in my room. I heard him walk back into his home office and continue to swear by his computer. There was a pause for about 10 seconds and then he began to swear in a New York accent. Then he switches to a Jamaican accent.
Amid this weird soundtrack, I fell back asleep, woke up at 10 am and headed to the kitchen. When my dad realized I was home, his reaction was priceless. He was HORRIFIED.
91. The Old Lady Next Door
I used to live next door to a little old lady who lived on her own. I never saw very much of her at all because she kept herself to herself, as did I. Back in the days when the yellow pages used to get delivered to your door, I noticed that it had been left propped up against her front door. Days went by and the yellow pages never moved, which meant the door hadn't been opened.
I started to worry, so I knocked on her door a couple of times but there was no answer. I tried looking through the windows but couldn't see anything. A couple more days went by and still nothing. I was worried that she might have had a fall or needed some help or something, so I decided to call law enforcement. I thought they would be able to magically find out who she was and contact her next of kin or something.
Instead, two officers turned up with a battering ram, smashed the door down, and went inside wearing handkerchiefs over their noses. Five minutes later they came out, told me there was nobody home, and drove off. A few days later there was a knock at my door. It was the next-door neighbor. She asked me, "Do you know what happened to my front door?"
I told her that I had called law enforcement and they had smashed it in. I apologized profusely and luckily she was ok about it. At some point, I said, "I thought because you were an old lady on your own..." She said, "I'm 52." Apparently, she had been away on business.
92. The Audition
I was a big theater geek in high school. So when my mother found an audition for a Renaissance fair, she insisted that I audition. Flash forward... she tells me auditions are in costume so she bought me a really cheap, bad costume from a random website. The audition was at a really waspy country club. So, I show up in my awful costume and I immediately want to die.
I enter the country club and I have no idea where the audition is. There’s a ton of people in there and they are staring at me and laughing like I’m a joke. I am literally almost in tears. Finally, I ask a worker/server because I have no freaking idea where the auditions are. He gives me directions that make no sense, so I wander this place for what feels like forever until I find the room.
I enter, and the panel looks at me, repressing their laughter. I want to die at this point. They say I am “definitely looking the part/prepared for the audition.”
93. My Conversation Was A Bust
When I was 12, I had pretty intense social anxiety. I was in a Halloween store with my mom. I grabbed my costume and got in line to pay. Next to me was a guy, and for no reason, I started talking about the weather. I was a 12-year-old boy randomly gabbing to a grown man about the weather, and I don’t even like talking to strangers. Then, I looked over and realized it was a zombie statue and not a person at all. Luckily, no one saw any of this, so I pretended it didn’t happen.
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94. Loud Laundry
While I was in grad school, I lived in a basement apartment of a pretty big building. Right next door to me was the laundry room. Normally it wasn't a problem, but this one washer decided it was going to be particularly loud. I was studying for finals and trying to concentrate, so all the noise was just a nightmare and I couldn't get anything done.
In a moment of exasperation, I ran out into the hallway in my boxers and a t-shirt and into the laundry room. I lunged at the offending machine, shook it violently and screamed at it, "Shut up you darn washer, don't you know I have finals this week?!" I talked at it like a psychotic person, "I control whether you live or die. Can't get anything done. Don't make me hurt you."
And then I turned around. There was this beautiful woman who lived in my apartment building standing there, staring at me, petrified. She just held her detergent and roll of quarters quietly, eyes bulging. She nodded politely when I stammered about how, "I'm studying for finals... uh, it was being loud." About a week later I walked by that woman and her friend and I heard her whisper, "Oh my god, it's that guy. The guy from the laundry room I told you about."
95. The Pranked Proposal
My wife and I were eating dinner at a nice sushi restaurant. Across the aisle, there was a young couple celebrating the man's birthday. Apparently, it was his plan to ask the girl to marry him that night. He had the ring out and started on his proposal. She, however, had already made other plans for the night. Right in the middle of it, another woman, who was dressed like a gypsy, walked up.
She sat down with them and started spouting nonsense, asking all kinds of embarrassing questions. She began eating food off their plates and was generally being obnoxious. The guy tried to keep going with the proposal. The girl was trying to wave off her friend to no avail. I think she had arranged for her friend to dress up and jump in the middle of dinner as a joke on the boyfriend, not knowing his plans.
We just sat there eating our sushi and feeling bad for the poor guy. The gypsy lady was still chattering away when we left. The guy was totally deflated, while the girl looked resigned to trying to survive the night. She must have told the gypsy lady, "Keep going no matter what I say," because she did. I felt so bad for the poor guy.
96. The Submariner
When I was in the Navy, about halfway through my six-hour watch I had to poo, but I didn't want to wake someone up to stand my watch while I went. So, I held it in like a boss, for three hours, until my relief came. By that time, I had to go so bad I was almost puking. But since I was stationed on a submarine, I wasn't running to a normal bathroom, I had to open this watertight hatch about two feet off the ground.
I somehow manage to un-do the heavy mechanism and lift one leg through—and my colon unloads with a fury unmatched. The charge is running out of my boxers, out through the leg of my coveralls, onto the deck, and rolling a few inches to the horrified gaze of the rest of my watch team standing behind me. Through the strange mixture of embarrassment, shame, and nausea from having to poop so bad, I can't manage to say anything except, "Oopsies!"
That was the most embarrassing thing I think I've ever had to endure.
97. I Raised The Nurse’s Attention
I had an operation on my testicle when I was 15 years old, and I was in the children's ward because I was still underage. I woke up in the afternoon pretty out of it still. The ward was busy with lots of people walking through. I didn't realize I'd already mortified myself. Suddenly, nurse walked over. She wouldn't make eye contact with me and kind of looked away as she shut the curtain around my bed.
I looked down and noticed my gown had lifted up in my sleep because my member was erect.
98. The Limp
This little event took place about a year ago, and it is by far the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was at university during lunch hours, and I suddenly felt an urge to release the chocolate hostages. This is actually a rare event, as I’m not really comfortable pooping in public, but as the university was almost empty, I figured the situation was at least as good as it could be.
In my search for the most abandoned bathroom on campus, I eventually found the perfect spot. It was clean and big, it even had some fancy armrests on each side. I sat down and enjoyed one of my best poops ever. It was huge, it was liquid and it smelled fantastic (from my POV). I sat there pondering, and started reading the newspaper. After about 20-25 minutes, I had to get ready for a lecture and started finishing.
The lecture room was nearby so I wasn’t really in a hurry though. I folded the newspaper neatly and put it my bag, washed my hands, and opened the door. You probably guessed it, but no, not only one person was waiting, TWO people were waiting, IN their wheelchairs, each of them with their personal handicap assistant (this is normal in Norway). In a moment of shock and embarrassment, I realized I had chosen the only handicap wheelchair accessible bathroom on the entire campus.
The floor was swallowing me. It felt like a blackout. I was traveling through distant galaxies, and then I just froze. I stood still like a model posing for a painter. It was the longest seconds in my life. Well, this is where it gets uber awkward; some part of me thought, “Hey, we got this bro, relax.” and then I decided to walk with a limp, without saying a thing. The worst part was that when I first started dragging my right foot in the most over-exaggerated manner you can imagine, I knew it was too late to stop, I had to finish my act. I have never been so embarrassed.
99. A Family Affair
When I was 14, I was at a family friend’s Bar Mitzvah and I didn't know anyone. So, I was sitting there alone and then I saw this cute girl in the corner. I went over to talk to her and then we ended up just walking around this hotel and making out for about an hour (at 14, that was a big deal).
Then she went off to do something. About 15 minutes later I was sitting alone again when my mom called me over and said, "I didn't know she would be here, but this is my cousin and this is her daughter.” I look at the girl and realize that my second cousin is the girl I had just made out with. A moment of horror as we look at each other and shake hands. She still hasn't made eye contact with me since then.
100. This Was Bar None The Saddest Thing Ever
I worked in bars and restaurants for years and was working at a popular Irish pub in my city. Upstairs was the main bar with booths and tables, downstairs in the basement was more seating, and the kitchen, prep kitchen, and walk-in fridges were down a hallway in the back. I had to walk partially through the dining area in order to get stuff from the walk-in fridges.
There was a large work party of over 100 people booked one night and the whole basement was reserved for them. The woman who booked everything showed up early and started setting up the table decorations she brought and prepped. Meanwhile, we were busy cooking for the regular traffic upstairs, and pre-prepping some appetizer platters.
I kept walking to the fridges to get stuff for over an hour or two. Before long, I noticed something alarming. No one was showing up. Not a single person out of the hundred or so invited. That woman must have sat there with just the two servers who were supposed to cover the party for three hours. Finally, she just apologized profusely, cleaned up her stuff, and left.
The general manager felt really bad for her. I'm pretty sure he returned her deposit and everything. The staff ended up eating the appetizer platters. I’m sure she must have been super embarrassed, and honestly, it's one of those things that's burned into my brain to this day. I still feel bad for her 10 years later and hope she's doing OK.
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