Remain Silent: The Dumbest Things People Have Said To Police
If there’s one thing nobody wants, it’s an encounter with the authorities. Whether you’ve done anything wrong or not, seeing those lights flash behind your car is enough to make anyone nervous. And when nerves are heightened, so are the chances of saying something, well, less than smart. Weep for the Redditors below. Some of them said some truly stupid things when confronted by the authorities. Others were the officer in the situation, who somehow had to hold back laughter and listen. It’s hard to tell who to feel worse for.
1. Drinking? I Never…
Was 16, super naive, and driving home after a late-night studying with my friends at Barnes & Noble. Taking back roads home, it’s dark and no one else is out, so I roll through a stop sign. Officer turns on his lights and pulls me over. He asks me if I had been drinking. Shocked, I said, “Excuse me, officer, I’m 16. That’s not allowed.”
Made me get out and do the whole breathalyzer and coordination test rigamarole. Probably thought I was being a little jerk, but I honestly didn’t realize anyone my age drank. Got off with a warning.
2. Flying Phone
My mother is a patrol officer. She once stopped a woman who was on her phone while driving and doing something else as well, I don’t know what exactly, puffing a cig or something. Well, the woman saw them, panicked, and intended to throw out her smoke and put the phone away. Did it the other way around, threw the phone out of the window.
3. Temperature Ticket
I was pulled over two weeks after passing my driving test. The officer asked me to wind down my window. I did, nervously. He then very aggressively asked me, “What is it outside?!” I didn’t know what he was getting at, so I replied, “Cold?” He shook his head and said, “No, dark. Now turn your freaking lights on.”
4. Driving Ms. Stoney
Ex NSW officer (Australia). To give you guys some background, NSW officers can pull people over if they feel like it for a random breath test (RBT). No reason is required. You are not allowed to search the car without reasonable suspicion that they have committed an offence though, so sometimes you just ask some questions to see if they crack (more just for fun).
But one was way better than all the rest. I pulled over a car full of young dudes all about 17. The driver is super nervous, I mean nervous enough that he was visibly shaking. I asked the kid if he had anything to drink. He squeaked, “No.” I could smell pot as soon as he rolled the window down. This was plenty for me to search the vehicle, but I could tell the driver wasn’t stoned.
Can’t say the same for his three friends, though. I was going to leave it alone. He passed the breathalyzer, so I asked him if he had any drugs in the car. He responds, “Not anymore.” Well come on, mate… Ended up getting him out of the car and giving him some advice on talking to the authorities (usually, just don’t). If you’ve done something stupid, give one-word answers and don’t admit to anything.
And don’t drive around carloads of stoned dudes, one will say something dumb eventually. He VERY nervously thanked me, then very nervously let out the loudest flatulence ever. I swear he was about to cry, the poor kid.
It was December 31, 1999. A friend and I thought we were so freaking slick. We were standing by an ATM at the stroke of midnight. We thought that the Y2K virus was going to cause the ATMs to just start spitting money out. Right before midnight, an officer, seeing us in our all-black garb, asked what we were doing.
When we told him, he started laughing his butt off and told us he’d split the money three ways with us if it started shooting out. Sadly, none of us made any extra money that night.
6. Staying Healthy, Officer
The first time I was pulled over, the officer asked for my license and insurance. I had never been in that situation before and didn’t know exactly what he was talking about, so I handed him my health insurance card. I had no clue why he laughed and asked if I had been drinking after that. I’ve since learned my lesson.
7. Are We Not Doing Phrasing Anymore?
So, I was delivering booze to a friend’s place. He was having a drunken party and I thought I’d be nice. Anyway, his buddy spills a half a tumbler of scotch down my shirt. I had to get to work so I take off and hit one of those drinking and driving stops. Of course, the officer is like, “Whew, and how much have you had to drink?”
Me: “Nothing, my friend spilled scotch on me.” Officer: “Uh-huh.” ME: “Fine, Blow me. You’ll find the truth.” Officer: “Excuse me!?” Me, thinking: “Annnd, this is how I go to the slammer.” Me: “OH! Nononono. I mean, blow me, the thing, the straw you blow into.” Officer proceeds to laugh, gives me a breath test and I blow 0.0. On with my day. Hah.
8. Foot, Meet Mouth
In my state driving with a suspended license is a non-criminal traffic offense. However, KNOWINGLY driving with a suspended license is a criminal traffic offense. More often than not, when I pull someone over with a suspended license, they always start out by saying something along the lines of, “Look, I know my license is suspended but…”
I knew a kid in high school who did/said something incredibly stupid after the authorities pulled him and a friend over. He decided it would be a great idea to get out of the car and run. He got about a block or two down and then stopped, turned around with his hands up and said, “Psych!” He instantly regretted it when he was tossed on the ground and detained.
10. The Laugh Pass
Not an officer, and less nervous than being little, but when I was a kid my mom ran a red then got pulled over for speeding like 10 minutes later. The officer asked, “Do you know what you did wrong?” My little child self screams from the back seat, “YEAH SHE RAN A RED LIGHT” the officer nearly peed herself laughing and let my mom off.
11. Is That a Bribe?
When I was 19, me and buddies were out on an all-out drinking bender (we had a designated driver). It’s about 3:00 a.m. and we’re all slammed drunk. Officer pulls us over for going 10mph over the speed limit. He walks up to car and immediately says, “I smell alcohol.” He asks everyone for their IDs. I hand him mine, to which he is quick to hand it back.
“Sir, that is your debit card.” I immediately start laughing because I knew at that moment it was a guarantee I was going to the drunk tank for underage drinking (I was right).
12. My Stolen Rental
I was pulled over a few months ago leaving a popular restaurant/bar in a neighboring town (I had one beer and was completely fine). I was in a rental car and didn’t know it didn’t have automatic headlights like my car (odd to me because my car is from the 90s and this car was brand new). So, It’s about 11:00 p.m. and I’m at a stoplight.
Across from me is an officer who flashes his lights at me. Well, the light had just changed so I thought he just wanted me to go ahead and turn. So I did and he immediately pulled me over. The convo from there:
Officer: “Son do you know why I pulled you over?” Me: “No, sir. Officer: I flashed my lights at you to turn yours on and you know, you didn’t.” Me: “Oh, I’m sorry officer! Here’s my license.” Officer: “Okay, be right back, just have to mark down that I stopped you,” (he then showed me how to turn the lights on because I hadn’t the slightest idea).
That should have been the end of it—but I just had to open my stupid mouth. Me: “No problem officer! Just so you know though this totally isn’t my car.” Officer: (Stops and looks at me) “What now?” Me: “Oh! No no no like, it’s a rental. (Holds rental papers out the window.) Like, I didn’t take it or anything, just thought you should know.” No one has ever looked at me like I was so stupid in my life.
13. Poolice Officer
So, I was speeding (and I mean speeding) home one day when I see the red and blue in my rearview mirror. Stopped, officer did the walk, asked me why I was speeding, but was too nervous to say anything and just kept shifting in my seat. Naturally, the officer thinks something’s up, so he has me get out of the car and proceeds to frisk me.
I’m clenching my starfish as hard as I can, and he takes this as an admission that I’m hiding drugs up there or something. So, he gloves up while his partner watches and proceeds to give me a cavity search after I utterly begged him not to, which of course just eggs him on to doing it, thinking he’s going to score. He didn’t realize it, but he was making the biggest mistake of his life.
He did and….oh, so the reason I was speeding home and was acting all nervous was because halfway home, I felt that I had a massive, uh, movement about to happen. Not the solid type, either. This was back when I was a shy pooper, so I felt totally embarrassed at telling the officer this. Felt even worse when he shoved that finger up there and it released the floodgates.
I proceeded to take a giant, liquid dump all over his hand, his arm, pants, and right boot. Finger pig starts vomiting, his partner is laughing his butt off, and I’m so embarrassed that I wished they’d just brutalize and shoot me. After finger pig cools down, and I explain the situation to them, I was allowed to leave and go home, strangely ticketless.
Even more strange, I was semi-cured of my shy pooping nature. So, I guess I didn’t really say anything, but I was stupid in not saying something.
14. Man of My Word
I have two. First was a suspicious person behind a business that had been burglarized a bunch of times in the past. Me: “What’s your name?” Suspect: “Jonathan.” Me: “Okay how do you spell it?” Suspect: “…J-O-T-H-N-A-T-H-A-N…sighs…my name is Robert ____ and I have a warrant. ”
Second was a traffic stop. Driver is in tears begging me not to give him a speeding ticket since he was going to have his license suspended. Me: “Tell you what, if you have any information about something more serious than this ticket, I’ll give you a warning.” Driver: “A couple buddies and I broke into a bunch of cars by Main Street.” Me: “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Driver: “I swear! All the stuff we took is at my friend’s house.”
Turns out the driver was part of a group that was going through cars that were left unlocked. We ended up detaining four people; two adults (18 years old) and two juveniles. They all went to the slammer for a few years, but I kept my promise and did not give the driver a ticket. It’s all about honesty, after all, isn’t it?
15. Weep for the Education System
I used to intern for a prosecutor. We had one case where we had the officer’s report for driving under the influence. After completing (and passing) the field sobriety, the guy told the officer, “Oh good, I thought you were going to ask me to say the alphabet backward. I can’t even do that sober!” We kept a copy of the report in the office for later laughs.
16. Twinning and Sinning
I had pulled over a guy for some minor traffic offense who I knew had a twin brother. He gave me his name, let’s say Jeff. I decided to check the other twin’s name as well, boom, warrant. I knew he was screwing with me but I couldn’t prove it. I chit-chatted casually for a few minutes and then asked him, “What’s Jeff up to these days?”
He answered and started telling me and I said, “But I thought you were Jeff?!” He didn’t even try to get out of it at that point. Admitted he wasn’t Jeff and went to the slammer. The annoying thing is that I later fell for this with another set of brothers and had to go back and detain the kid the next day after he totally got the better of me!
17. I’ve Said Too Much
I knew a kid who was detained for pointing a piece at the officer after they stopped him because they got a call about car prowlers. When he tried to run away, he slipped and fell, so they caught him. When the officer was telling the other officers that the guy was trying to shoot at him, he said, “I forgot to take the safety off.”
He basically just admitted to attempting to end the life of an officer and was sentenced to 13 years in prison at the ripe old age of 17.
18. Drinks Ain’t Drugs
I was smashed, waiting for a bus. I wasn’t making a scene, I was just visibly wasted, I could barely sit straight. So, while I’m sitting there, kinda zoning out, two officers approach me and ask me for ID, which I somehow manage to find and show them. Then they start asking me what I’m on, to which I respond, “Nothing, I’m just really, really drunk”.
They keep pressing and yelling, just going crazy. They were absolutely furious for some reason, I guess because I was barely coherent. Then one of them gets in my face and screams, “WHAT DID YOU TAKE?” to which I respond, “FREAKING ETHANOL.”
19. Giving Up Immediately
A friend of mine is an officer and the first time he pulled anyone over it was a couple of teenagers in the car. My buddy says to them jokingly, “All right guys, where are you hiding the pot?” They were instantly terrified, so they opened the middle console and handed him an eighth ounce of weed. He couldn’t believe it and said he honestly felt really bad because at that point he had no choice but to write them up.
20. Gotta Go Fast
Late to the party but here’s one of many…I pulled over a woman for speeding one night. 45ish MPH in a 30 MPH zone on a gorgeous spring night with pedestrians everywhere. When I asked her if she knew she was speeding she said that she did—she was having brake problems and was rushing to get the car to her friend’s shop.
The regret was obvious when I pointed out that if her brakes didn’t work correctly perhaps slower would have been the better option.
21. Come On, Man
I didn’t say it, my old roommate did, but it got me detained. He was in my passenger seat and we were getting pulled over for speeding. We had like a bowls worth of weed on us, seriously like a 0.2g nug in a Tylenol bottle in his pocket. He was a goody-goody type and had never had a run-in with the law, so he immediately starts to freak out.
I look over and he asks what to do, I say “Screw it, it’s like a bowl, just eat it.” He opens the pill bottle and the smell instantly fills the car. Hadn’t planned on that. So, I crack the windows and break a cigarette in half and put it in my mouth to light and cover the smell. (Broke it shorter so when I lit it, it would appear I had been puffing on it and hadn’t just lit it then. Genius move, really.)
But there’s one problem: I can’t find a freaking lighter to save my life. Fumbling around in the floorboards I finally felt one, but the second I grabbed it he was knocking on my window. Roll the window down, “Do you know why I stopped you?” blah blah blah…as I’m reaching into my glovebox for my registration and stuff he says, “Son, do I smell marijuana?”
“I don’t know why you would, sir.” “You don’t have any marijuana in the car?” “No sir, we do not.” “So, if I bring the dogs out here they’re not gonna find anything?” “Go ahead but you’re wasting your time.” This goes on for probably 10 minutes. Then my roommate, who was still freaking out, decides to say the stupidest thing he possibly could: “Sir, we had some weed, but we just smoked it. It’s all gone”
I looked over at him with a kind of, “What the heck?” and kind of “I freaking hate you” look instantly. “Driver, step out of the car, please.” Was told by the officer I actually passed the roadside tests, but my buddy already admitted to partaking (So why give me the test?). So, he kindly transported me to a hospital where they took my blood for testing. Boom. DWI under the influence of marijuana. Thanks, Tim.
My favorite interaction with a boy in blue was just the normal routine back when I was 21 or 22. I went out with friends for a tour of drinking on a Saturday. Started with a baseball game then walked around to a handful of bars, so we spent about. eight or nine hours getting trashed. This was the plan. It was a good plan I thought.
Part of this plan was for friends to come pick me up at the end of the night because the people I was hanging out with had plans. Bars close, downtown is empty, nothing is open at 3:30 a.m. So, I wander around, waiting for my ride, and I have to pee BAD. Nowhere is open and no one is around, so in my infinite inebriated wisdom, I decide to just pee on the sidewalk next to the street.
Not even five seconds into my pee there’s a spotlight on me and an officer getting out of the car. Officer: “What in the heck do you think you’re doing?” Me: “Peeing.” Officer: “Come on over here.” Me: “I have to finish first.” Officer waits surprisingly patiently, I make peeing look like a leaky faucet.
The boy in blue then proceeds to tell me all the charges I could get for peeing in public and asks me what I was thinking. I told him my master plan of getting drunk all night, then waiting for a ride. My friends were late. Public intoxication wasn’t part of the plan. Neither was peeing by authority spotlight. He continued to tell me that I should be going to the drunk tank, blah blah blah. But he let me go. I sat on the curb and he watched me smoke cigs until my friends came.
When I was a teacher, I stood with Officer S, the school officer, in the morning out near the bus lanes to greet students. One morning, a mom drove up to drop her child off, rolled down the passenger side window, and called out to Officer S, “If you get a call about a break-in on Smith Street, don’t worry about it, it was just me.”
Then proceeded to roll up the window and try to drive away while he ran after her shouting, “Excuse me, ma’am, I need to talk to you,” and I laughed my butt off.
24. The Count
Had a friend who’d just gotten her license and was pulled over for RBT, and she was incredibly nervous only because it was all new to her. The officer held out the breathalyzer and said count to 10, she goes, “Yep.” She then stays silent for a bit before the Officer has to say, “Out loud please, Ma’am.” “Oh right, sorry. 1, 2…”
25. One Way Out
I was a scared 16-year-old kid. I went the wrong way down a one-way street. Saw that the road became a two way just a block ahead by the time I realized it was a one-way street, so I kept going instead of trying to turn around. Authorities were at the intersection I went through, pulled me over. Scared the life out of me, yelling at me about the red light I ran.
The stupidest thing I TRIED to say to an officer was that I was going the wrong way down a one way. He told me to shut up when I started talking and came back with a very big ticket. I thought it through and went and took pictures of the intersection. See, what I was ticketed for specifically was running a red light. That’s when I had my stroke of genius.
There are no red lights the wrong way down a one-way street. Think about it. That would be crazy. So, I went to Court to contest my ticket. I wore a suit, was respectful. The Judge asked almost sarcastically while looking at my particular info, “So you’re going to tell me you didn’t do it or something, huh?” I told him, “Actually, sir, yes. Because it’s impossible to run a red light that isn’t there.”
That got his interest, and he made eye contact. He sat up a little bit and asked what I meant. I told him about there not being a red light the wrong way down a one-way street. I asked if I could present the pictures, which the Bailiff brought up. He laughed while looking at them, which included the street corners and enough surroundings to prove it was in fact the cross streets mentioned.
I told the Judge that I was apologizing to the Officer and trying to tell him about the “wrong way down a one way” but got told to shut up and wasn’t able to explain. The judge laughed again and said, “Well, he would have cited you for the right thing if he had just listened, but I can’t cite you. Clearly you didn’t run a red light.” And he dismissed it. I only had to pay the court filing fee of 25 bucks.
26. Schrodinger’s Cat
I remember some years ago, some friends and I were shooting a scene for a zombie movie we were making, and had stopped in this field a little off the road. There were like five of us, bloody, standing at various points in the field, and the rest conversing around the cars. Then, an officer pulled up. They asked, “What are you guys doing here?”
Cue my friend saying, “Uhhh… I lost my cat.” They spent the next few minutes trying to help us search for the fake cat. It was a whole thing.
27. That’s My Jam, Though
My friend told me this…pulled a guy over late one night. His car reeked of pot. My friend said it was no big deal, he just wanted to make sure the guy was safe to drive. Here is where things get weird. Guy has his hands on the steering wheel (aka in sight) and is very, very polite, but forgot to turn down his music.
My friend said it was like being in the front row at a concert. Told the guy to turn down his music and no kidding, instead of turning down his music he just changed it to the local college station. Turns out he was on shrooms (and weed) and thought changing it to the “right station” would “compensate for the lack of nocturnal noises.”
28. Try Another Station
Pulled a guy over on suspicion of drunk driving. We didn’t have an ESD (breathalyzer) but he was so drunk he was adamant that my radio was a breathalyzer. Anyway, whilst we were waiting he started to get really agitated. Apparently, he thought we were up to something. He was begging to “have a go” on the breathalyzer (radio).
Eventually I let him blow into the radio antenna, told him it was faulty, and we had to wait for another. Unsurprisingly, he failed and got detained.
29. Square Up
When I was a 15-year-old (and thought I was a tough guy) I told a uniformed officer, while surrounded by three others, “Why don’t you put that little girl piece on your hip down and we’ll see how tough you really are?” If you’d ever like to know what it feels like to be tackled by four officers simultaneously, give that line a try!
Middle of search warrant looking for a guy. Lots of drug convictions in the past. Found a still burning blunt in the ashtray in the living room, but no sign of the guy in the house. I am 99% sure he is in the roof cavity. I announced to my partner, “I think he is up there, should we look?”
Suddenly the ceiling starts talking. Hear the softest, “No… hehehe… wait… can they hear me? Nah… It’s all good.” So, my partner said, “No, man. I didn’t hear that guy say we shouldn’t look up there.” Ceiling replies with, “Sweet, I knew they wouldn’t find me.” Needless to say, we looked and pulled a very, very stoned guy out from under the insulation batts.
Side Note: They make you super itchy so be careful choosing your hiding spots when you’re stoned.
31. Don’t Mess With Gramps
Guy kept driving over the corner of my grandfather’s lawn, he lived on the corner so the same truck would cut the corner by driving over a patch of grass. My grandfather had enough of it, so he got out a two by four, slammed a bunch of nails in it, and buried it in the torn-up patch of grass. It’s extreme, but I get it.
Sure enough, the same truck hits it one day, blowing out not just one but two tires. He’s freaking furious, and he calls the authorities. Officer shows up, hears about what happened, and tries to explain to my grandfather that while what the truck driver shouldn’t be driving on the grass, that putting the board with nails in there was dangerous and could have gotten someone hurt.
At this point, he’s just trying to give my grandfather a warning—but of course, my crazy grandpa had to go and make it so much worse. He responds, “Well if I couldn’t find the nails I was gonna put a Bouncing Betty (a landmine) in there.” The officer rubbed his brow as if in distinct pain and squeezed out the words, “You really shouldn’t tell me that.” Thankfully my uncle was there to stop my grandfather from repeating his claim or making things any worse.
32. Never Answer
I got pulled over. I thought it was because of the unlawful U-turn I had done, and as usual the officer goes, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I sheepishly respond, “Because I did an unlawful U-turn.” He kinda just stared for a moment, switched on my headlights, and said, “Your headlights are off. Stop doing U-turns where you can’t.”
33. You Bet, Kid
My aunt had a terrible divorce when I was a kid. The type of divorce where the authorities came to the house. One time ten-year-old me asked an officer, “Do you use the sirens if you have diarrhea?” He was a good sport and laughed a little and said, “Kid, I am not classified to tell you that.” Then he winked so I would take it as a yes.
34. Floor It!
I didn’t actually say anything, I rolled up to an intersection at 3:00 a.m. in my recently purchased muscle car. I saw two patrol cars parked at the corner and just punched the accelerator. Slammed it to the floor. I was half a mile down the road when I saw their little headlights far back in my rearview mirror.
I asked myself, “What are you doing?” I turned abruptly into a fast-food restaurant drive-thru and turned off my engine and lights. They zoomed by and never saw me. I think I could have made it home but I was feeling really guilty and just sat there. Eventually another patrol car saw me and they all surrounded me.
They told me to get out of the car. I got out, but had a jacket tied around my waist, which really made them suspicious. “What’s that around your waist?” “My jacket.” “Remove it slowly.” I untied the jacket and let it fall to the ground, which exposed the enormous hole in the back of my pants, which had happened earlier that evening.
“This is not your night, is it?” And yet, it was going to get even worse. The boys in blue were all about thirty feet away but were starting to piece together the story of my evening. “No, sir, not really.” “Why did you speed away like that?” “I really don’t know.” One of the officers came up to frisk me and froze when he felt a large lump of metal in my front pocket.
“What’s that?” “Those are my tips, I am a waiter.” I had a huge pocket of change from my shift earlier at a burger shop. Backstory is I had a regular customer at the burger shop who had this Plymouth Duster 340. It was root beer brown and dangerous-looking, with air shocks, huge tires on the back and mismatched rims on the front.
The paint job was vaguely Starsky and Hutch. The owner bragged about how fast the car was and said he had outrun the authorities a couple of times. I bought the car for $640 and his story must have lodged in my brain. So, a week later I had a terrible shift, including splitting my pants up the back, and went for a long joy ride after getting off around midnight.
I was kind of tired and heading home when I rolled up to the intersection and saw the two patrol cars. I swear there was absolutely no thinking, just foot down on gas pedal. In a young male brain, the decision-making apparatus is not well-formed. Dangerous ideas that sound cool but are really stupid can be acted upon with no thought.
35. Too Sorry
I’m the idiot in this situation. Being apologetic by nature; when I got pulled over for rolling through a stop-sign I said, “I’m so sorry officer, I do it all the time.”
36. Parents or Po-Po?
Pulled over a vehicle driving suspiciously slow and swerving on a highway late at night. Walking up to the car, he seems to be reaching under the seat. Knock on the window. “Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?” He said, “I don’t know, speeding?“ “No, do you know how fast you were driving?” “Uhhhhh no?” “15…15 miles-per-hour.”
“Oh, well I wasn’t speeding.” “Yes, sir, but you crossed the center line multiple times and seemed like you were looking for something.” A big smile cracked over his face. He was high as the sky. “Ahh yeah I dropped my blunt.” The second he said it, you could see the regret on his face. I can’t help but laugh, it’s just way too funny.
“Get out of the car, please.” He steps out. I ask him, “Any other drugs in the vehicle?” He tells me, “No, sir.” “What about that bag on the passenger seat next to the bowl?” “Ahh dang, I forgot I left that there.” I’m internally dying from laughter. I take his license, and he’s freaking 17. I’m like, “All right bud you got your parents’ phone number?” He says, “Yeah, please don’t call my parents.” I say, “No choice, bud. I’m not taking you to the slammer for weed. I’ll let your parents take care of it. Dump your weed in the ditch.”
37. Who Put That There?
Me after pulling over a 40-year-old man on a scooter: “Am I going to find anything against the law under the seat?” Him: “Nothing that belongs to me….”
38. The Drug Detector 9000
My father was an officer for many years and one of his favorite stories was when he pulled someone over for a simple traffic violation. I think he didn’t do a full stop for a stop sign. When my father asked, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The gentleman responded, “Yeah, yeah, it’s because of all the drugs in the trunk.”
After my father read him his rights and was putting him in the back of his car, my dad asked, “Just out of curiosity, how did you know I knew you had drugs in the back?” The stupidity of his response is truly baffling: The man motioned to the radar detector in the front and said, “I saw the drug detector on the dash and I knew you had me.” My father still laughs about this one 20 years later.
39. How to Scramble Your Brain
“Dude, you’re being freaking ridiculous.” I was going to a friend’s house on my bike, 17 years old. Provincial law says, “All minors must wear a helmet” or something to that effect. I was about 100m from home and an officer stops me, tells me to get off my bike and walk home to get my helmet. All right, whatever.
Feign cooperation. As they drive off, I jump on my bike and head off-trail through the woods as soon as they get out of sight. Once through the woods, there’s a road…and guess who happens to be driving by? Are you freaking serious? He gives me trouble, pulls me into the car to show me the law book, and all that garbage.
I get mad because 17 years old and authority. I blurt out, “Dude, you’re being freaking ridiculous. This is a stupid law and you’re enforcing it to be a jerk to kids for no reason.” He took my bike into his trunk and drove me home and talked to my parents. Later that day, I biked to my friend’s house WITH NO HELMET.
40. I’ll Pretend I Didn’t Hear That
I was passing a friend, being an idiot, on a four-lane road. Out of nowhere, this other car jumped out in front of me. It forced me to floor it and swerve over into the other lane, passing the dude who’d pulled out. Narrowly avoided clipping my friend’s car, who wasn’t as attentive to what was going on as I was.
I saw the officer driving the opposite way but didn’t even get to hesitate and still pull off the timing I needed to. The officer stops, turns around in the middle of the road, and turns on his lights. I saw him turn around and was already pulled over before he had even turned his lights on. I was then parked at a gas station.
He says, “What were you doing?” “I was trying to avoid a collision, sir.” “You were driving recklessly, don’t give me that BS.” “Sir, if I’d not swerved I wouldn’t be talking to you right now. That other car absolutely pulled out in front of me without checking.” “Hmph, I can’t say for sure what happened because I didn’t see it but I don’t ever want to see you driving like that again!”
Then, somewhere in my brain, the next logical thing for me to say was…”Well, I was speeding.” WHAT IN GOD’S NAME DID YOU JUST SAY?! Was my reaction, to myself. The officer, completely perplexed by my confession, looked at me with his head cocked to the side, not unlike a dog that is trying to figure out what the baby talk noises you’re making are supposed to mean.
He then turned around, sat down in his cruiser, and drove away. I then sat there staring blankly out the window, people walking past me going into the station, and I could only put my head down on the steering wheel like the moron that I am. Thank God he didn’t decide to give me a ticket. I probably deserved it.
41. Who’s Your Doctor?
Long story leading up to this, but I got caught doing drugs in a Walmart for the second time. I was in the handicap stall sitting on the toilet when four uniformed officers snuck in and kicked the stall open. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t even care at that point. I pointed to a few hundred Klonopin in blister packs on the floor, and then hesitated before pointing at the bag of drugs. “Those are my prescriptions, officer. That’s…uhhh….not.”
42. Friendship Is Magic
Man was beaten unconscious by three men. I caught one of them escaping on foot but he vigorously denied any knowledge of any incident. Another officer had collared someone he thought might also be involved, but had little evidence other than the fact he was running away and couldn’t really account for his presence.
The other detainee was being taken to a cell just as I walked into custody with mine. My detainee looked at him and immediately yelled at the top of his lungs, “Matt, Matt! Matt has got nothing to do with this, you should let him go. He wasn’t even there.” A+ for friend loyalty; C- for avoiding self-incrimination.
43. A Hefty Warning
On the way home from a good party. Very wasted. Seven people in a ‘78 Camaro. Complete with a rusted-out bumper and pantyhose holding up the muffler. I’m the front passenger with my girl on my lap. Cruiser lights come on behind us, we are on a narrow street with no place to pull over so the driver keeps driving.
The officer finally chirps the siren, so the driver stops in the middle of the road. I somehow think that if I can get my girl into the backseat, we can pull this thing off. I tried to push her back between the seats but she got stuck. Her legs and butt were sticking up in the air. She’s only 17 years old. We’re busted.
One officer asks the driver to step out, and I can’t say what transpired there. Another officer opens my door and has his bright as the sun flashlight on me. He asks, “Have you been drinking?” I say, “Yes, I’m absolutely wasted.” A few minutes later the driver gets back in the car and we drive home. I don’t know why they let us go.
44. I’m Sowwy
I got hit head-on by a drunk driver years ago in front of a rural truck stop. Dude was out of his car and getting coffee in the diner practically before his car stopped moving. Insanely quick. He stays in there while other drivers are trying to get me out of my truck (jammed door). I’m bleeding from several different places, crying, scared, etc.
Finally, I’m tucked away in the ambulance while Mr. Idiot is being pushed into the cruiser. He asks the officer if I’m okay. Really ticked the boy in blue off. He shouted that it would have been nice to find that out BEFORE he ran into the diner, and how he’s not falling for the sudden nice guy schtick. It made me laugh through my tears.
To add to the pain, I was 19 and am now 44. I’ve had back surgery related to this accident and will always have back problems due to it. He caused me life-long medical issues and couldn’t even be bothered to stick around or ask if I was okay. Just had to go get that coffee. I hope he got cirrhosis, the absolute dummy.
45. Helps Me Sleep
Got the authorities called on my house because I was firing a new black-powder musket I got for Christmas in my backyard (Rural Minnesota, completely legal). He asked to see the arm. I offered it to him, barrel down, while gushing about its historical significance and the four-week process of assembling it myself.
He asks if it’s loaded, I explained it is not, nor do I intend to reload it as I’d have to discharge it again before the night is done. (You don’t “unload” black powder.) He nodded a little. He asked if it was registered to me, I said of course not. It was purchased on the internet and sent in pieces. He got a little nervous when I said that.
I explained it’s commonplace with historical reproduction pieces, and there’s no need to register them. He politely explained maybe now wasn’t the best time to fire it. It wasn’t against the law, but unwise. “Because it’s Christmas?” I say. He shook his head. “Because it’s 11:30 at night, your neighbors are terrified.”
46. Screw You, Jar-Jar
In ‘99 after Phantom Menace came out, I thought Jar-Jar Binks had the funniest way of talking. My family and I spent part of the summer in Mexico visiting family. On our way back at the border the authorities there asked each of us kids if we were American citizens and everyone says yes except me…I said something along the lines of, “Meesa Ameri-khan,” all exaggerated because I thought it was funny.
We ended up sitting on the side of the road in 100-something degree heat while they tore apart everything packed in the back of the truck. My mom was sitting with all four of us girls and holding my six-month-old brother and pinching the life out of the back of my arm. I still flinch when people touch the back of my arm.
47. The Fonzie Technique
I got pulled over because one of my headlights was out and I responded with, “Oh yeah I know that but if I just hit it with my scraper, it comes right back on!” I think the only reason I didn’t get a ticket was because it was such a stupid response. The officer might have thought I was an actual, certified idiot.
48. Hammer Time
A few years back my mate and I were walking down the street towards the bars in our town (rural Australia). We were drinking from a plastic bottle filled with vodka and juice, which isn’t exactly allowed here. The authorities drove past us and I quickly threw the bottle in the bin, but they saw us and pulled over…
The two officers (one female one male) were taking down our details and we were drunkenly trying to get out of the fine. I said, “We’ll do anything to get out of this.” She replied, “Oh yeah? Like what?” Then I blurted out, “Dance for you?” My mate and I then proceeded to do the choreography to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on the street, magnificently lit by their patrol car headlights. It worked, no fine.
49. Try Again Later
I was about six years old and I had been home from school for maybe an hour at the time. There was a knock at the door and I ran to go get it, thinking my friends wanted to play or something. I swung open the door to see a female uniformed officer. I said, “Nobody’s home!” and slammed the door right in her face. I realized my mistake and went and got my mom to answer the door. It should have been a silly story—but that officer was about to break our hearts.
Turns out the officer had shown up to let us know that my dad’s life had been ended by a drunk driver earlier that day. Turns out being embarrassed wasn’t the only issue that day.