But…Why? Super Weird Things Adults Have Caught Kids Doing
Children can be unpredictable, to say the least. As they grow up and learn about the world around them, there’s no way to know how they’ll react to new experiences. The way the learn about new things though can be difficult to comprehend for further developed minds. Unfortunately, it usually has something to do with the contents of their diaper. These people have shared their stories of what strange thing they caught kids doing or their own experiences being the mischievous kid doing the questionable behavior. Some are gross, others dangerous, and some are just downright inexplicable!
1. Double Dookies
We caught my sons who were maybe 6 and 3 at the time sitting on the toilet together, one behind the other, pooping. They told us it was a double poop. We forbid them from ever doing that again.
2. Shoots and Peas out the Nose
I caught my kid packing peas from our garden up her nose. This required a trip to the local hospital emergency room where the doctor, a dad of several young children himself, thought it was hilariously funny.
Soon my wife and I were laughing as well.
3. Bomb’s Away
She was packing turds into cardboard tubes with toilet paper and hiding them under the sink. She called them “poop bombs”. There were like 10 of them under there.
4. Part of the Morning Routine
When my younger daughter was a toddler, there was a week when we would find her curled up asleep in the shower every morning.
5. In the Nether Regions
When my daughter was around 5, she got a little popper toy from a machine.
It’s a round rubbery little convex shaped toy that when you push down on the top and throw it down, it pops up pretty high. She loved that 25-cent toy. It went everywhere with her.
One day we were leaving her grandmother’s house and I asked her where her popper was, trying to avoid five-year-old hysterics when they realize they’ve forgotten something somewhere.
She kind of shrugged and said she didn’t know. Halfway home in the car, she magically produces the popper in question.
My wife asks her where she found it. Her answer was…disturbing. My daughter proudly claims, “It was in my butt”. We laugh it off but my daughter insists that were it was. It wasn’t until my wife gave it the sniff test that we realized she was telling the truth.
6. Curious Palette
I saw my 4-year-old in the backyard.
I assumed he was looking for bugs or worms. He grabbed something and put it in his mouth. I asked him about it a few minutes later, and he said he ate a worm. I laughed and asked why.
He said he wanted to know what it tasted like. So, I asked him what it tasted like. He said it tasted like mud.
The next day I asked him if he really ate a worm.
He replied. “Yea,” in the most defeated and embarrassed way any human could. You live, you learn, huh.
7. What a Sweet Kid
When my daughter was little, old ladies would come over and enthusiastically ask her simple questions like “What’s your name”?
She would always reply in a flat monotone voice “Birth-day-Cake”. Then they’d ask another question like “Oh, well, how old are you”? And she’d say “Birth-day-Cake”. Then they would look over at us with great concern.
8. Don’t Feed the Alligators
When my son was 3, we noticed the smell of burnt plastic coming from our heater vents. I called one of our friends that worked in heating and cooling and he came over.
Our furnace was in our crawl space so he went down and about 15 minutes later, he asked me to hand him three black garbage bags through one of the vents.
He came up later with three bags of plastic toys.
I had been wondering where all my son’s toys were going. I asked my son why he was putting toys down the vents. He said, “Mommy, there are alligators down there and if I don’t feed them my toys, they will eat my sister.
9. Spit Shine
I once caught my two-year-old son licking the floor.
He seemed really into it.
10. Ain’t a Chicken
My five-year-old nephew went to feed the chickens yesterday. I told him to get a hat and when he came back, he was fully naked except for a pair of gumboots and a straw hat.
He then told me the reasoning behind his strange outfit. Apparently, the last time he went to the chicken house they pecked at his junk. This time, he wanted to show them that it’s not big enough to eat yet.
Kids are weird.
11. New Window Cleaner
I woke up to my five-year-old spraying Windex on the window beside my bed, cleaning it thoroughly, then nodding at me and moving on to cleaning the windows in the next room.
I still don’t know what was happening.
12. Bumper Butts
I walked in on my sister’s 5-year-old twins bent over on opposite sides of the room with their butts toward each other. They counted down from three and then speedily backed up into each other so their butts would slam together.
Both fall over and laugh and then set up to do it again.
13. What’s Your Daily Brow Routine?
When my son was about three, he liked to wash his eyebrows with my facial cleanser—just the eyebrows. Wet, lather, rinse, repeat.
He said it made them nice and soft.
14. Sizing Each Other Up
I caught my twins in first grade measuring each other’s anatomy with a tape measure they got to measure their heads in first grade for bike helmets. I walk in after their baths and one is on his back with his legs in the air.
Of course, my husband said, “That’s not something you do until high school”!
15. Inexplicable Behavior
My daughter was drinking strawberry milk and then spitting it back into the cup so she could drink it again.
Another time, I had hosed off a tarp and it was drying on the patio. We went outside and she just stooped down and took a drink out of a puddle on the tarp. And maybe the worst one? Just today I was in the garage and she came out, instantly grabbed a toothbrush that I use to clean car parts, and stuck it in her mouth.
I don’t even know anymore.
16. Taking the Plunge
When my brother-in-law was three, he was so obsessed with the toilet plunger that they had to buy him his own so he’d stop grabbing the used one. It was his best friend.
17. Poorly Constructed Bed Pan
My brother decided he wanted a pee hat, which is literally what it sounds like, a hat he could pee in during the night. While already a stupid idea, since he didn’t empty it, he chose a plastic hat with holes in it.
18. Do Something Silly
My daughters are 4 and 2.
They have very different personalities—my youngest is more sensitive and quicker to cry. I once saw my eldest try to cheer her up by pulling down her pants and wiggling her butt at her.
It cheered her up.
19. Always Mutual
She was six. She has always been a big believer in reciprocal affection, which is probably why I wasn’t totally shocked when I walked in on her licking the cat back.
20. Wrong Place to Park Your Rear
When I was a kid, I used to prefer to poop in the park closest to my house instead of at home. I used to wonder who cleaned up my poop every day because the poop was always gone by the next day.
After months of doing this, I found out a neighbor’s mom was the one who kept cleaning up my poop. I was mid-poop one sunny afternoon when I saw her walking towards the park from her condo across the road with a baggy, probably because she had a chore every day that included going to the park to clean up my poop before her children could go play.
I was squatted atop the playground in one of those wooden cubicles at the top of a slide peering out through a crack between the wooden pillars, watching the neighbor mom coming closer, trying to finish my poop at a rapid pace.
I finished my poop, didn’t wipe because I was a disgusting child pooping in a park, yanked my pants up and flew my poopy butt down the slide and booked it through the field to home base.
I raced through the door and continued to live my best life—until there was a knock on the door. My mom answered the door and to my horror there was neighbor lady and she and my mom had a long talk outside on the front step.
When my mom came in, she looked at me with pure disgust and said, “NO MORE POOPING AT THE PARK!!”! Even worse? My older brother’s friends were over and overheard my mom scream that at me.
They demanded to know the whole story.
Then when I started kindergarten, one of the children of the poop picker-upper neighbor mom was in a grade ahead of me and recognized me and told everyone what I had done. I was and always will be, The Park Pooper.
21. Full Body Humor
My three-year-old’s first joke was, “Hey, look at my armpit,” and she would point at her armpit and laugh. She would do this over and over. They warn you about first steps and first words but first joke?
I am a proud dad.
22. No Use in Crying Over Spilled Milk
My son is currently four. I was cleaning spilled milk then he whipped out his wiener and peed on top of the spilled milk. I will always be confused.
23. Sixth Sense
When my son was 3, I suspected that he had been experiencing night-terrors for a few months. I was really concerned. The most unsettling thing he did wasn’t waking up sobbing, though. Sometimes he would wake up around midnight, walk to where I was, stare at me and then walk back to bed.
He wouldn’t respond to me and just sit on his bed while staring at the ground. If I tried to comfort him, he would become angry and violent.
Next morning, he’d be his normal self.
But that wasn’t the scariest part. At that time, he would often ask if ghosts were real. We never exposed him to anything with that sort of content. I’d try to reassure him that they were just imaginary.
He would insist that they were real. Sometimes at night he would call me to his room and say someone was there.
I was freaking out a little. Not just by the idea that my child was seeing strange things but that he might be suffering from psychological issues.
My wife insisted that it wasn’t something to be concerned about. She’s a psychologist and I respected her opinion, but I just couldn’t stop worrying. I felt like I needed to help my kid.
Anyhow, it became less and less frequent and stopped altogether for the most part. He still asks about and insists that ghosts are real from time to time. But he isn’t scared at night anymore.
24. Doing the Lord’s Work
A little girl I was babysitting was slowly stirring her bowl of chocolate ice cream into mush. I asked her what she was doing and she replied very seriously, “I’m making poo-poo for God to put in people’s bottoms”.
25. Grant Us Protection
When my son was about 4, he was playing in his playroom.
I was on the couch and heard some sounds behind me. It was just us so I turn and see my son looking up at the light fixtures and whispering. I ask him what he was doing.
His response was, “I’m asking all the lightbulbs in the house to not fall and kill you”. Thanks son! He’s truly got my back.
26. Made It Myself
When my oldest was 3, he walked out of his room with a big rolled ball.
I thought nothing of it as he and his two-year-old brother had a little Play-Doh station and were playing nicely while I was cooking. He proudly holds it up and tells me, “Look at my ball”! Without looking, I say, “Awesome”!
What he said next made my blood run cold.
Then he announced loudly, “It’s a poop ball”! Cue my slightly horrified look and immediate washing, scrubbing, and locating of anything played with.
27. Through the Pipeline
I found my kid talking to the hole in the sink when he was two.
It turns out that’s where he said god lives. Carry on, ya weirdo.
I was in my backyard and noticed there were a lot of slugs around since it had been raining. I was concerned that they had nowhere to go and they would be stuck outside where they would drown in the rain.
So, I went to the garage and got a bin and went around collecting every slug I could find. Then I got the idea to make it into a miniature city.
I put in water, moss sticks, etc.
and it became a project of mine that I maintained for weeks. Well one day my mom walks outside for whatever reason and finds me holding a bin that’s just FULL of slugs. She made me put them back and hosed the bin down.
I was mad I lost all my hard work.
29. Just Like Queen
My boys share a room. They were about 2 and 7 at the time and when I walked in their room, I found them rocking on their hands and knees singing, “we aaaaaaareeeee the weeeeeeeeeeeeiner doooogs”.
30. Can’t Hold It In
I’ve caught my sister doing strange things as a child. I once caught her playing with a bag with yellowish liquid inside when she was 10. She had pulled this bag from the side of her backpack.
I asked her what it was. She said it was her own pee. She had been keeping it in there for days and once in a while, she’d pull it out to play with. I was horrified.
When she was 8, she cut off her doll’s hair, dismembered it and gave it a funeral, which she made all of us attend. She went to dig it up several days later but it wasn’t there. She’s done many other things but those were the two weirdest things she did.
31. Got an Earful
One of my preschoolers said her ears were hurting and itchy.
She was a little dramatic so we figured it was allergies or an ear infection and called mom to let her know. She didn’t have a fever, so mom said she would handle it when she picked up.
During nap, the little girl is laying on her cot and has little gritty white pieces around her head.
I get a flashlight and shine it in her ear. It’s FULL of this stuff that looks like plaster. I ask her, “Honey, what’s in your ear”? Her answer?
“Disney Magic…” The week before her family had stayed in Disneyland and at the hotel. I guess she had taken plaster off the Disneyland walls and stuck it in her ears. When she got to the doctors after her mom came and got her as soon as I called, he said her ears were packed with stuff on both sides like plaster, seeds from a tree, all kinds of things.
They had to knock her out to get everything out. But she’s 100% okay now!
32. Water Cycle
My little sister used to do pretty weird stuff. She used to lay over the side of the couch so her head was upside-down and drool spit down her face until it filled her nose.
She said that it would go through her nose back into her mouth like a circle.
33. From Head to Toe
My three-year-old son licked my toe. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, “time traveling”.
34. The Art of Doing Nothing
My niece was very upset that her older sister wouldn’t turn the TV over when I was babysitting once.
After about 10 minutes, she pretended to be interested in the washing machine that was on at the time and sat in front of it and watched it like a TV…for an hour and twenty minutes. Her older sister watched the rest of her film but obviously wasn’t enjoying it.
She was outraged that her little sister was having a great time watching wet clothes spin round and round. It’s the most creative act of revenge I’ve ever seen.
35. Active Jet Safety
Hanging out by the pool, our son who was seven at the time had a naughty grin on his face and he’s giggling with his arms up on the side of the pool. Kids are weird so we didn’t even think twice. Finally, after like 10 minutes of us just chatting with him in this position he excitedly announces, “Hey dad! If you stand here and lean against this jet it feels REAL good!
I spit my drink everywhere, stood up, and walked off so I didn’t die laughing in front of him. I totally abandoned my fiancé to deal with that and just watched him try to keep it together through the window inside. It was phenomenal.
Now we have to keep an eye out and shoo him away from the jet when we notice him lingering. Kids are gross.
36. All Over the Place
I found my kid coating himself and the entire bathroom in garlic powder from an entire, brand new, industrial-sized container from Costco.
Then there was the time where I found him having a “snow day” with his friends…after unzipping the giant beanbag chair.
37. Skills and Determination
I found out that my eight-year-old daughter taught herself how to knit when I woke up at 7:
00 on a Saturday morning and to find that she had half-knitted a 3D bear even though we owned no knitting needles. My second daughter constantly ate inedible things like lotion when she was seven, but that’s not even the worst part. She also ate silica packet beads…when she was 16. Her only reason was that she was curious.
My third daughter learned how to do a handstand by herself when she was 11 months. I made the mistake of freaking out when I walked in and saw her in the crib with her feet in the air and she thought it was hilarious, so she’s continued to hone the skill.
38. In the Face of Defiance
When my son was first learning to talk, my mom kept saying, “Just wait until he learns to say no”!
She was really building up the anticipation. Well, I open my eyes one morning to my beloved child, three inches from my face and staring at me. As soon as he sees I’m awake, he loudly and dramatically whispers, “NO”.
I still feel like he was letting me know that whole phase had started.
39. No Need to Be Shy
My three-year-old daughter would dig through the garden or under backyard objects to find pill bugs/woodlice and then bring them to us when they rolled into a ball.
My wife and I would feign interest and tell her that they would stop rolling up into a ball once she left them alone.
One summer night, I caught her whispering into a makeup bag my wife had given her right before bedtime.
I asked her who she was talking to. She said she was talking to all the “Beetles that didn’t want to stop being balls”. I looked inside and saw that the makeup bag was full of dead pill bugs.
There were at least 30 of them. She had been collecting them and trying to talk them out of their ball position.
40. Getting Your Hands Dirty
I’m the oldest of four. When I was in high school, I had a bathroom in my room.
And it’s very important to specify that it wasn’t MY bathroom, you just needed to go through my room to use it. That said, one day, my youngest brother who probably around six at the time was pooping.
Being young, he had no shame so the door was wide open.
I walk into my room to see that he had taken all of the cardboard tampon applicators out of the trashcan and built extended fingers with them.
I could not stop laughing as I told him to take them off.
41. Apply Generously
I found my son and his cousin absolutely coated in calamine lotion. They’d obviously found it and being 4 and 6 years old, they decided to do a bit of finger painting with it. I get that, but I don’t entirely understand why his pants were off. Yes, his privates had calamine on it too.
It was the 90s so I got a hilarious picture of them posing together with their calamine body art.
42. Baby’s First Supper
My oldest son was about three or so and was using one of those play kitchens.
He had a little pot on the stove and since I wanted to be an engaging mother, I asked him what he was doing. He tells me, “I’m cooking baby Jesus”! He had indeed taken the baby Jesus figure out of one of my mother-in-law’s Nativity scenes and had put him in the pot to cook.
43. Private Toilet Troubles
I caught my five-year-old son mashing his privates between the toilet lid and seat. I also have a three-year-old son that needs an audience while he uses the bathroom and he’ll often start laughing because he “has no wiener,” as he’s pressing on it to try making it an innie.
44. Made It Myself
The toddler was “making soup” in a kitchen pot. She comes up to me and says, “Taste, mama! It’s pea soup”! I take a pretend spoonful and say, “Yum, tastes good”! Then she goes, “Oh I have to make more”!
She puts the pot on the floor and squats over it and pretends to pee in it while making a “psssshhh” sound. Pee. It was pee soup.
45. Dark Magic
My mother was horrified at the many drawings of coffins floating down rivers I made for her in preschool.
She literally cried at the thought a child could do something so morbid. I only drew them because my mom and I watched a magic show on TV a few weeks prior that was so cool to me at the time.
The magician locked himself in a coffin and went over a waterfall and came out at the end perfectly unharmed.
I didn’t get why she was so upset at something so amazing!!
46. Holding Onto the Important Things
I gave my son a piece of bread I made while he was watching a movie on the couch.
About five minutes later, I walk over and see that he’s got the bread in one hand and his wiener in the other just munching bread watching Clue.
47. Not a Chew Toy
I walked into the house to find my brother and sister watching baseball YouTube in my parent’s room. My brother who was 11 at the time was chewing absentmindedly on a very realistic blue jelly adult toy.
I ran to get my mom, dying of laughter, and only managed to get out, “he’s chewing on something blue and wiggly,” before she takes off running to the house screaming at the top of her lungs.
It turns out he and my sister had dug around in the filing cabinet and moved the false bottom, which uncovered my parent’s small assortment of adult toys and my brother for some reason decided taking it out and chewing on it was a fantastic idea.
48. Blame It on the ‘Dryl
When I was 7 or 8, my mom gave me Benadryl before bed.
Later when she went to the kitchen to get water, she heard a noise behind her. She turned around and found me standing butt naked on the couch. She put me back to bed and all was fine until the next day.
She found that I had also peed on the floor in the bathroom.
49. Nature’s Call
I was around 3 or 4 years old and I absolutely hated wearing clothes. We lived out in the country so my mom just let me run around naked.
One day she comes outside to catch me sitting on the window sill pooping. She said I told her I was a rabbit.
50. Part of the Pack
Years ago, I lived in a raised ranch house. In the living room was this giant window that overlooked the driveway.
It was probably 5 feet tall by 10 feet long—only about a foot off the ground. In the back of the house was a set of sliding French doors. I had two dogs and they would run to the front window and bark if they saw anyone or anything.
If they lost sight of them, they’d run to the rear doors. My oldest was 2-3 at the time. He started running to the window with them and going “Woof, woof” with them and would run to the back doors.
It got so bad that he was eventually at the window barking first and the dogs would follow. We later found him playing with dog toys that I had to take away.
He also started crawling rather than walking even though he had been walking 100% fine.
The last straw for me was when I eventually caught him drinking water from the dog bowl instead of asking for something to drink. We cracked down and turned him back into a human after.
51. Family Ties
When I was 9 and my little brother was 5, he really rustled my jimmies. My mom allowed me to watch him for an hour or so while she went to the store. Our next-door neighbor knew and if I needed help, I could to go to her.
As brothers do, we got into an argument and I asked him if he wants to play a game to calm down. He said sure and I told him to sit in the rocking chair.
I ended up tying him up in the chair with duct tape and said, “Good luck getting out”. My plan was to do that for a few minutes and then let him out, you know, teach him a lesson.
I turned around and my mom his standing behind me and goes, “What are you doing?! Untie your brother”! My brother and I laugh about it to this day.
52. Expensive Taste
I used to catch my four-year-old brother taking bites out of blocks of cheese.
My parents were so angry when he started eating $7 blocks of cheese like apples, but I thought it was hilarious.
53. Saw It in a Movie
When my son was about five, he was playing in the living room while I was making lunch.
Suddenly I hear him making some weird retching noises, so I ran over to see what was happening. He was on his hands and knees, rocking back and forth, and suddenly one of the cat’s toys—a little yarn ball—popped out of his mouth. I thought he’d been choking on it.
The real answer was much more bizarre.
No. He’d been imitating Puss ‘N Boots coughing up a hairball from his favorite Shrek movie.
54. Body Positivity
He likes to watch his sack swinging in the mirror.
He’s ten on the cusp of puberty and has an unfeasibly large sack for his age. So much so, he is a legend among the other boys in year six who saw his balls while room sharing on a residential school trip.
I caught him looking in a full-length mirror naked as a jaybird watching those bad boys swing back and forth while doing an upper body muscle pose like Cristiano Ronaldo.
I love that little weirdo.
55. Toilet Paper Shortage
At my friend’s house, I heard a scream. It turns out his little brother wiped his butt with their hamster.
56. Metallica Member
I walked into my middle son’s bedroom when he was four. He had his thing stretched as far as he could, strumming it like a guitar.
57. Muddy Car Trails
When my son was 2, he was outside driving his Matchbox cars the mud, which was weird because it hasn’t rained and we lived in a desert. I watched in horror as he reached back and into his diaper and pulled out more ‘mud’ for his Matchbox cars.
I freaked out, ran him inside, and into a bath. The cars were thrown away and replaced. It still grosses me out to think about.
58. Finding Simon
My youngest was sitting on the toilet chewing on a toilet paper roll the other day.
It was a new roll with chew marks all around it. I asked her what she was doing. She hissed at me and said I was not smart enough to understand. Later she went and drew eyes and a tail on it and named it Simon.
It lives on her windowsill now so it can talk to its bird friends.
59. Late Night Snack
My son, four, woke me up by chewing on my ear like it was gum… when I asked him what in the world he was doing, he said, “It tastes good. Sorry,” and went back to bed.
60. Weird Cravings
I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink and caught my five-year-old standing in front of the open fridge with a spoon eating mayo out of the jar.
61. In-Person Demonstration
When my son was three, I was changing him before he left to spend the night at his grandma’s house. As soon as I took off his diaper and he was only wearing a shirt, he got up and got in between my husband and mother-in-law who were talking to each other and said, “Grandma! Look at me”! He then got on his hands and feet with his body facing up and started thrusting upwards and yelled, “I’M EXERCISING”!
62. Egging Go
We caught my stepson cracking eggs into the toilet.
He said he liked the way the plopped and went down the drain when he flushed it.
63. Sound Effects
I babysat this kid and he had peed against the wall in his bathroom because “it sounds like a machine gun in the movies”. He went to bed like normal, but boy, did I have fun explaining to his parents why they found me, a 15-year-old, in the bathroom at 11 PM with gloves on and cleaner/disinfectant in the bucket.
They paid me an extra $20.
64. Escape Artist
My youngest daughter was about 18 months old and had recently discovered how to climb out of her crib. A month before that, she had taken off her diaper, but it only happened that one time.
My mother-in-law was visiting us and we were all slow to wake up. Around 7:30, the baby monitor alerted me that my daughter was awake, but happy and content in her crib.
I let my wife sleep in and grabbed a quick five-minute shower before going to grab the baby.
When I got there, I made a gruesome discovery. She had taken the two things she had learned—climbing out of her crib and taking off her diaper—and put them together to “repaint” her room. I will never recover from the trauma or the smell.
65. Didn’t Really Soak This Through
When I was younger, I decided that it would be so cool if I didn’t have a separate room to do my business. So, being the genius that I was, I designated a towel in the corner of my room as my “pee towel”. This was in my room for easily an entire week.
Needless to say, it smelled disgusting. At one point, my mom came in and questioned the smell and I shrugged it off saying, “it was probably the dog” and left it at that.
What baffles me the most, however, is that even when I was in a part of the house that was closer to the bathroom, I would go out of my way to use my “pee towel”.
66. Games for Pre-Schoolers
When I was a wee lad, the daycare worker caught me and a handful of other boys in the bathroom.
We were playing a game where we would lay our wieners on the toilet seat, slam the lid down and then try to pull out before our hang downs get smashed. I forget how old I was but I was too young to know better.
67. Alternative Water Sources
I was helping out a teacher at an afterschool care center where the faucets weren’t working. I walked into the toilet to clean but instead found a three-year-old drinking out of the toilet bowl.
68. No Rhyme or Cheese‘n
I woke up to my three-year-old naked and trying to push my computer chair in the closet for some reason. He had spilled punch and condiments on the kitchen floor and threw a towel on top of the mess to try to clean it up.
He tossed a bunch of his Matchbox cars in the bush outside through the window. He took a McDonald’s drink tray and cracked an egg in it and put it on the litter box with a Chinese menu.
He had also put his potty bucket on the kitchen table along with some medicine and cheese.
It sounds like I’m just naming random things but it’s true. I wasn’t drunk or anything. I don’t know how I slept through all that. I was ten feet away in my bedroom.
69. Love the Architecture
I was 5 or 6 years old and I was playing and talking to myself. I was imagining the wall was a boy so I kissed it. Mom stared at me for about 10 seconds and asked me what I was doing.
Beyond embarrassed, I just say, “I was appreciating how beautiful our house is”.
70. Everybody Does It
You know how kids always pee in the pool? Well, this little boy full on stood at the side of the pool, pulled down his shorts, and just let loose from the side.
71. No Need to Be a Brown-Noser
I caught my kid coloring my dog’s butt hole with a blue smelly marker. Why? The dog’s butt smelled really bad. My first thought was why are you smelling a dog’s butt in the first place?! Four-year-olds are weird…
72. Minimal Safety Precautions
I walked in on my three-year-old take a flying, arms out leap off one of our living room chairs with no soft landing set up.
Just a total “Duh, what are you doing, dude?”? moment. He landed belly first and did not enjoy it. He’s 11 now, so at least he grew out of it and didn’t hurt himself permanently.
73. Chug, Chug, Chug
My four-year-old was in the bath drinking the bathwater like he’s a dehydrated Saharan Legionnaire. I tell him to stop it multiple times, eventually taking all the cups and jugs away from him.
So, he crouches down and just slurps from the top of the water basically drinking gallons of it. I threaten to take him out of the bath, so he stops.
I resume sitting and playing on my phone while keeping an eye on him.
He looks up and says to me, “Daddy. I want you to go out of the bathroom”. I ask him why and then he says, “I just want you to go”. I ask, “Are you going to drink the bathwater”? A massive cheeky grin appears on his face and then he yells at me to “just go out”!
74. Extreme Thrill Seeker
When I was old enough to figure out how to run, I would run across the porch right off the edge and into our pool.
I was too young to know how to swim, so my mom would jump in and pull me out. She would scold me and I would get upset because I was having fun, but five minutes later I would do the same exact thing.
Rinse and repeat.
75. Body Experiments
When my son and his friend were about 12, I walked in the room and the friend was naked laying on bed with legs behind his head and my son was pouring baby powder over the kid’s butt.
They told me they were making fart clouds. What?
76. Quiet Time
My toddler daughter was in the habit of climbing into bed with my wife and I every night. One morning, I woke up, and what I saw made my blood run cold. My daughter was hunched over my wife with both her hands firmly clamped over my wife’s mouth and nose. I pulled my daughter off my wife immediately and asked her what on earth was she doing.
My daughter sighed and explained, “Mommy was breathing too loudly, so I was stopping her”. My wife slept through the whole thing, for the record.
77. Sat Myself into a Corner
My little sister was given a “cream puff”—a donut filled with whipped cream—that she begged for. A little while later, we found sitting in the corner chilling all by her little four-year-old self.
When we asked her why and picked her up, there was the cream puff, which was now a smothered mess. She didn’t want it and was afraid to say that she didn’t like it so the only possible solution was to sit on it in the corner.
78. Fart Jokes
I went to check on my two-year-old after I had laid her down for bedtime. I stood outside the door listening and kept hearing a weird noise and then hearing some giggling. So, I opened the door and started watching.
She was making herself fart and then laughing hysterically at herself. Apparently, she can fart on command.
79. Window Display
When my sister was a toddler, she hated clothes and would pull them off as soon as my mom turned her back.
One day, my mom came into the living room to find my sister completely naked, dancing in front of the window, and trying to get the attention of some guys doing construction across the street.
80. Teach ‘Em Young
When my daughter was about two, she was an early talker and could form sentences. Most toddlers either are really shy or really giggly when they meet someone new. But, no, not my daughter.
We went to the store once and I ran into someone I knew and it was the first time she had met my daughter. So, I said “This is my daughter, ‘blah blah blah,’” and without missing a beat, my daughter stuck out her hand for the lady to shake and said, “It’s nice to meet you”.
I came to find out later my brother had been teaching her how to be a “gentleman”.
81. Sibling Rivalry
I walked into the kid’s playroom and the three of them, 5, 3, and 2, were holding a baby doll over the toy stove. Each of them was holding a plastic toy knife trying to saw off either a limb or the head.
It was a little creepy since my wife is pregnant again. Should I be worried?
82. Learning About Loss
I was napping on the couch when I heard my four-year-old saying, “You are so cute even though you’re dead”. Hearing that shot me wide awake!
I jolted straight up and saw him holding and petting a dead mouse. I was so groggy and disgusted and couldn’t think straight. I ran around behind him and held his upper arms and shuffled him through the house to the back door and used his arms to launch this mouse onto the back patio.
I washed his hands and came to a bit and he started to cry like I just got rid of his best friend. He kept going back to the door to look longingly at his best friend all day.
83. If I Can, I Will
My husband had just cut the grass in the garden and the unplugged expansion lead was on the kitchen floor—it was like a reel with spaces for multiple plugs. My toddler came along and started squatting over it to try and poke his dinkle in one of the holes.
He used to trail it over the metal carpet fixer too and said it felt cold and good. Lovely.
84. Delete from Memory
My seven-year-old son asked me if I want to hear something. He said he just did the biggest poo and it was so big he had to wrap his hand in toilet paper and pull it out of his bum.
I’m not really sure why I haven’t learned yet that “Ya wanna hear something” is a warning that you’re about to hear something really strange…
85. Corporal Punishment
One time I happened to see my little sister repeatedly headbutt a tube of toothpaste that was on the little countertop outside our bathroom.
I just stared at her until she turned around and we made eye contact. She just said in a very serious tone, “It disrespected me,” and walked off. I still have no idea what she meant to this day and it haunts me.