These Legends Ruined Unreasonable Jerks’ Days In The Best Ways
You shouldn’t ruin someone’s day. That’s not a very nice thing to do. Except…when the person in question gives you absolutely no choice. A horrible, entitled customer. A screaming, spoiled-rotten brat. The most frustrating people on earth. In these cases, when the opportunity presents itself, you’re actually legally obligated to ruin their day in the most brutal way possible. We don’t make the rules. If you’re wondering how, just read these amazing stories for some inspiration.
1. Cart Him, Boys
I work at a supermarket, and I once told a kid who was running around screaming that he had to go to “grocery jail.” He probably thought I was lying at the time, but nope, I certainly was not. I made him sit in a shopping cart lined with Limburger cheese next to me until his parents showed up. I think they were just happy to have him out of the way.
2. Backed Into a Corner
I watched a lazy shopper park their grocery cart right behind another person’s car instead of putting it in the cart return. I got out of my car, moved the cart, and put it behind the lazy shopper’s own car. I then ran off and watched her have to get back out of her car since she couldn’t back out, and then finally put her cart away. I felt like a champion of the people.
3. Have a Nice Trip
This kid was running around a restaurant at high speed, making a loop. Around and around he went, yelling and knocking items off of people’s tables. He zipped by my table one too many times…and I tripped him. He did a long sliding face-plant. Jumped back up and started crying and yelling at me. His parents grabbed him and hauled him out of there without a word.
4. Vengeance With a Bow on Top
Crossing at a busy downtown intersection, a very impatient driver waiting to make a turn honked at a lady pushing a stroller. Despite his jerk move, she actually had the right of way. I slowed down as I was walking, but the guy next to me straight-up went ahead, stopped in front of the car, then bent down to re-tie his shoelaces.
5. Aw, Muffin!
When riding the bus home from high school one day, a little elementary school boy decided throwing chunks of muffin at me from across the bus was a great idea. I began collecting the small pieces one by one, and as I walked off the bus, I turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes, and shoved a handful of muffin right into his face.
6. I Will Look for You, I Will Find You
I came out of the mall one day to find that someone had hit my car. I asked a passerby what happened, and they told me that the guy who hit my car got out, looked at the damage, and quickly parked at the other end of the lot. So I came up with an ingenious plan for revenge. I went to where the car was parked, paint matched it to confirm that it was the one that hit mine, then I flattened all four tires, and left a note on their windshield telling them to have a nice day.
7. Lock and Load
This guy got out of his car to express some road rage to me after we’d had an altercation while driving. I just got out of my truck, walked past him, pushed the lock button on his door, closed it, and walked past him again. Then I got back in my truck and drove off. He seemed to be frozen with confusion the entire time.
8. Pennies From Heaven
I used to deliver pizza for Dominoes. It was my last shift and there was this house that was always rude. For example, I called to ask what the house looked like and they said, “I gave you the address” and hung up. They never tipped, etc. I got to their house and they gave me a check for 1 cent less than what the total was.
I said, “I am going to need the extra penny.” They grumbled off and took their time, hoping I would give up, but I just sat there holding the pizza. They finally came back all angry and gave me the penny. So then I really enacted my revenge. They gave me the penny and I chucked it out into the street and left. They saw me do it. It was SATISFYING.
9. How Do You Like Them Cookies
At the end of a long commute home after a hard week, I went to a Millie’s Cookies store just before closing time. As I walked up to the counter, some guy ran from behind me and tried to cut in front of me. The girl working there insisted I was first, thankfully. Outraged and noticing there weren’t many cookies left, I said, “Hi, I’ll take absolutely everything you have.” Cost me close to $60, but it was so worth it.
10. No Vacancy
When I was nine years old, my dad and I were driving around some little town in Europe for an hour or so looking for a place to stay, but we kept getting told that everywhere was full. So we pull into the nth hotel of the evening. As dad and I are walking in, we hear the desk clerk tell another potential guest that they have one room left.
The guy, though, is kind of rude and huffy, and he says snippily, “I’ll have to check with my wife.” Suddenly, my dad yells from across the lobby “I’ll take it.” Dude gets this shocked look on his face, spins around, and tells the clerk “I’LL take it.” Desk clerk to other guy: “I’m sorry, sir but we’ve just sold out.”
11. Golden Opportunity
In first grade, I had to go to the bathroom really badly, but the teacher was busy and told us not to bother her. Well, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and went. Everywhere. My pants were soaked and there was a giant puddle in the chair. I nonchalantly moved to another area of the room, trying my best to hid my wet shorts. Then the best thing happened.
This jerk named Sheldon in my class went and sat over in my puddle. He freaked out and the teacher thought it was him and sent him to the principal and ultimately home. Screw you Sheldon, I don’t care.
12. Butterfly Kisses
When I was in 7th grade, the startup my dad was a part of was failing miserably in no small part due to a crazy CEO. While at his house, my dad observed the CEO’s toddler daughter picking up a piece of dog poop and licking it. He picked her up and told her to give her dad a kiss. Oh, don’t worry, she totally did it.
13. Shop Till You Drop
While I was out shopping with a friend, there was this little brat running around in the store. His mom was nowhere to be found, and he was just running wild and knocking over stacks of shirts, screaming at the top of his lungs, just acting like a complete and total brat. This went on for at least 5 excruciating minutes, all during the time we’re in the line to pay for our items.
Then, we see him running full speed towards us. My friend has had it with this little jerk, so she came up with an ingenious plan. The moment he hit us, she turns around with her newly purchased items and whacks the bag straight into him. The kid immediately starts screaming and crying. We hightailed it out of there, but I have no remorse whatsoever. Honestly, it felt great.
14. How the Other Half Gives
I was having a bad day while working at a Subway one night, this kid comes in and orders a foot-long sub. The entire time I’m trying to take his order, he mumbles, sighs, walks away, and keeps saying, “I dunno.” Just generally, he’s being a huge brat. Then when it comes time to pay, he smiles at me with this annoying little grin and says he doesn’t have enough cash on him.
He’s close, but off by about 40 cents. So I said, “No problem little buddy, let me just ring that in as a six inch.” He beams triumphantly that his short change plot worked—but he didn’t know what was coming. Before I rang it up, I snatched the sandwich back, split it in two, and handed him half the sub with his change while tossing the other half in the trash. Problem solved.
15. Do Not Pass “Go”
When I was working at a bad job in my younger days, a customer was upset that he had to wait in line like everyone else before being able to make his purchase. He actually said, “Do you know who I am? I own hotels!” To which I replied, “Well sir, I’m sorry, but this isn’t Monopoly, this is Krispy Kreme.” He was not pleased.
16. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew a crazy kid in elementary school. Kid jumped across the table and tried to choke me out. I instigated it by saying he was “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” since that was the only thing that kid ever talked about and he was wearing a cocoa puffs shirt that day. Senior year of high school, turns out that kid was in my Design class.
I needed to get a C or better on the final. Over the year, I found out the kid was taking my work off my share drive and copying it. For the final, I purposely screwed up the drawing in my folder, but the kid didn’t double-check it. He turned it in and failed and had to go back and be a super senior.
17. Revenge Is Sweet
My wife used to keep these little Godiva chocolates that she likes in her desk at work, but started noticing some of them missing and figured it must be someone from the overnight cleaning staff taking them. Fed up with losing her not-inexpensive treats, she decided to get revenge on the choco-thief in question by replacing the good chocolate with little squares of chocolate laxatives that look just like real candies.
The next morning, she saw several of the laxatives gone, and then from that day forward, she was never missing another one of her good chocolates ever again.
18. I Know You Are, But What Am I?
Every time I end up stuck in a checkout line with whiny, crying little children where the parents of said whiny little brat aren’t doing a thing, I will calmly turn to the brat and repeat whatever they are crying about back at them, in the exact same tone, at full volume. “MOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYY, I WANT IT I WANT IT IWANTITIWANTITIWANTITIWANTIT!!!!!”
That coming from a fully-grown woman and directed at a squalling brat will shut the kid up so fast, you wouldn’t believe it. Of course, the entire checkout line then awkwardly avoids eye contact with me for the rest of the trip, but I have a smartphone so it’s all good. And, bonus: now I don’t have to listen to any crying children. I’ll call that a win.
19. Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You
I was riding my bike to work one day and while I was crossing the street, a woman ran me over. She drove through the crosswalk, looking to turn right, and ran right into me. After I got bumped hard enough by her fender to take a spill and have some bruising all down my side, she stopped. But not to see if I was okay, oh no.
She only gave me an exasperated, “my bad” wave and continued to talk on her cell phone, ignoring me as I picked myself and my bike up. So I walked right up to her open window, grabbed her cell phone from her ear, and chucked it into a nearby parking lot as hard as I could. I swear that was the farthest I have thrown anything in my life.
She gaped at me in shock as I struggled back onto my bike and slowly rode off, fuming yet victorious.
20. Family Feud
In grade school when I was about 11 years old, a guy on the school bus relentlessly teased my 9-year-old younger brother. For months, this jerk just wouldn’t stop harassing him. I finally got sick of it, confronted him, and told him to knock it off. This didn’t slow him down one bit. As soon as I got out of his face, the teasing and badgering continued. So I took it to the next level.
I casually hopped back into the same seat as the jerk and then I slammed his head into the window so hard that the window cracked. He didn’t say a word, but I could see him quietly try to cover up his tears. With that done, I went back to my seat. He never messed with my brother again, nor did anybody else on that bus, come to think of it.
Normally I am not a physically aggressive person, but after seeing my little brother tormented every day, I had enough. I never felt bad for hurting the kid, since he had it coming. Still, I surprised myself that I actually did slam him, but I would do it again in a heartbeat to protect my little brother. You don’t mess with my family.
21. Keep Your Friends Close…
A girl on my softball team antagonized me and spread rumors about me to the team and coaches. We were competing for the same position. She was in my geometry class and tried to buddy up to me because I was good at geometry, and she wasn’t. So for a while, I let her copy my homework, then one day I gave her all the wrong answers and turned in the right answers for myself.
22. Happy Wife, Happy Life
My uncle was a prominent, busy doctor. My aunt, a stay-at-home mother of two. My uncle was very rigid and authoritative, and had to have things just so: a certain breakfast at a specific time every morning, his clothes folded or hung in a particular way, a specific drink waiting for him upon his return home, and a specific dinner at a given time every night, based on a rotating menu.
This went on for decades until he eventually passed. Regardless, one night was meatloaf night, and after years of no complaints, my uncle erupts, screaming at my aunt that her meatloaf is simply garbage, how could she not be able to cook something so simple, all of this, and literally fires his full dinner plate across the room.
My aunt, his submissive, quiet, loyal servant over their then twenty or so years of marriage, simply apologizes and cleans up, promising to improve her recipe. It was only after my uncle died—they were married for 52 years—that she admitted to my mother that she’d fed him meatloaf made solely of Alpo (wet, canned dog food) for the past 30 years with nary a complaint.
23. It’s Payback Time
My roommate in college had only child syndrome and taped a piece of paper over her clock because she didn’t want to “share it with me.” Never mind that she couldn’t see the clock herself, but she would rather no one see the clock than share the clock with my eyes. So, from then on, I would steal one sock from a set once a week.
It was slow enough that she didn’t realize it was me sabotaging her socks, but fast enough for her to be really annoyed and wondering that the heck was happening to all of her matching socks.
24. Driving Miss Crazy
I volunteer at my university, safe walks and all that jazz. We are required to report suspicious activity. I once witnessed a woman driving a Mercedes-Benz across a lawn to bypass the parking gate, tearing up this gorgeous lawn. I was not amused, so we reported it to the parking authority. They couldn’t have come at a better time.
They show up while the woman is still getting stuff out of her trunk, box her in, and start writing a ticket. She ended up driving away over a curb and peeling her entire bumper off in the process. Made me happy inside.
25. Laser Sharp Revenge
Once at a laser tag birthday party, there was a 12-13-year-old little jerk following people around and shooting them over and over. Every time the vest and gun would come back on, he’d go to town and shoot you multiple times. He’d follow the same players everywhere. He kept doing it to one of my friends and me, and even did it to my friend’s little brother despite multiple warnings.
After the second time telling him to stop, I checked him to the ground…and ripped a huge fart right on his head. It was perfectly timed—but it got even better. He cried and told his parents I had been mean to him, but I just told him he was following us around and then tripped and fell. They bought it and apologized for their child. Awesome.
26. A Little Humble Pie
Back when I was a waitress, I worked at this BBQ joint that had really narrow, awkwardly arranged tables so I always had to lean a bit over to serve the food. Anyhow, there was this table with a really obnoxious 4-year-old who kept grabbing at everything: My hands, my clothes, the tray I was serving from. He even untied my apron and my pens and cash flew everywhere. This went all through the whole meal.
Meanwhile, the parents didn’t do a thing about it. In fact, the dad said it served me right for taking a job in food service. Total jerks, all of them, and I knew I wasn’t getting a decent tip. So towards the end of their meal, they order dessert—peanut butter silk pie, which is ooey-gooey sticky pie heaven. I knew just what to do.
I make sure to cover it in an extra mound of whipped cream and balance it precariously on the side of my tray, counter-balanced with a couple of soda refills for the parents. Sure enough, when I got to the table, the little jerk made a grab for the tray and everything conveniently capsized all over him and his parents.
They were covered in diet coke, whipped cream, and the stickiest peanut butter pie you can imagine. I looked appropriately shocked and then said “I am SO sorry. Guess that’s what happens when you have kids.” Even managed to make it back to the kitchen before I cracked up, along with most of our staff. Serves them right.
27. Flying Too Close to the Sun
While teaching in Japan, one kid was just a little devil. He had no respect for me or the other students. I spoke with my office about this several times, because I felt he was a danger to the other students, but I was told it’s Japanese culture to let their kids go wild during childhood because they would soon be under enormous stress once they hit junior high.
Well, this little brat was being particularly annoying one day, and actually shoves a little girl, who just falls face-first to the floor and smashes her forehead against the ground. These students are only about four to five years old. When I saw what he’d done, I checked on the girl and saw she had a massive welt, at least the size of a golf ball, if not bigger, swelling up on her forehead.
I call my office to report the incident, while restraining the kid, who proceeds to dig his nails into my arm, which actually draws blood. All they say is try your best for the rest of the lesson and we can try to let the mom of the girl know what’s happened. I knew I had to do something. Long story short, we end up drawing pictures at the end of class, and he decides to make a paper airplane instead.
He started to throw it around and was laughing and having a great time. This is when I ruined his day in the best way possible. I snatched it from him and crumpled the paper right there as he looked at me, then I threw it in the trash. The kid loses his mind and just cries uncontrollably for the last few minutes of class. No regrets.
28. Never Too Late to Learn
A woman in her mid-50s cut in front of me and my two-year-old daughter in line at a restaurant. I was in the middle of getting my daughter a cookie and was in a hurry as I was dealing with a two-year-old. So I snapped at the woman, “How is it that you’re 70 years old and you still don’t know how a line works?” She was gloriously silent.
29. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
Some jerk in a Humvee decided to park in a handicap spot at a Kroger. I was young at the time and out riding with my dad, who was a repo man…driving his repo truck. My dad towed the Humvee to a parking spot on the opposite side of the parking lot. We then waited until the owner came out and looked around in disbelief.
She thought someone took her car. My dad drove right up to her, rolled down the window, and said, “Are you ok, miss?” The woman said, all concerned, “My car was taken by someone.” My dad replied very coolly to her, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have parked it in a handicap spot,” gave her a smile and drove off.
30. Surprise Ending
My neighbor’s dog poops in our yard all of the time. It wouldn’t be a big deal, except he never cleans up after her. I finally had enough, so I decided to go with a classic. I put a flaming bag of his dog’s poop on his porch, rang the bell, and hid in the bushes. When he answered the door, I finally got my revenge by having an affair with his wife for the last three and a half years.
31. Technical Victory
A horrible former co-worker always claimed she worked way more hours than she actually did, and when she was at work she just browsed Facebook all day. The doctor/owner was very hands-off and just let her do whatever she wanted, despite me going to him with proof, so I decided to take revenge.
She was not computer-savvy at all, so I removed Internet Explorer from her desktop and installed an identical icon that, when clicked, would instantly restart the computer. It was so satisfying when she would forget and click it, losing anything that she was working on. She would always grumble and complain about the issues with her computer.
32. Spitting Distance
While I was at a zoo, I kept seeing this one group of people walking around. Their kid was wild with energy. He would throw things, like popcorn, at everything. Me included. Even though I asked his parents several times to get it under control, nothing changed. Then I took a left when they went right and thought that was the end of it, but a bit later we were next to each other again.
I was hoping the kid had settled down, but he was just as loud and obnoxious as ever. So we were in front of the camels and I said to him, “Hey kid, come here and look at this.” For those who don’t know, camels spit. And this kid started throwing popcorn at the camel and yelling at it. Suddenly the camel had enough and let out a huge loogie.
It covered the side of the kid’s face and was running down onto his shirt. It was glorious. He started crying and yelling, ran over to his parents, and told them I made the camel spit on him. His dad started yelling at him and said, “Are you bothering that man again?” He then got a swat on the seat of the pants and they left the zoo.
33. Don’t Meet Your Heroes
I worked at a Toys R Us twice doing seasonal work around the big holidays, like Christmas and such. Anyway, you have to find ways to amuse yourself and keep from going totally insane with all the bratty kids and exasperated parents. So I did one pretty awful thing that I nonetheless have absolutely no remorse for.
I was scheduled to work the first shift on Black Friday, and they made me wear the Geoffrey the Giraffe costume. First rule is, don’t talk. Dance, pose for photos, and keep your mouth shut. Basically, don’t ruin it for the kids. But this particularly bratty kid kept punching me “down there” while I was posing with him for the photo. I was in the suit, but it still hurt. Wouldn’t cut it out, so after the photo was taken, I got my revenge.
I knelt down, got my giraffe head at his eye level, and whispered, “Your parents told me not to say anything, but you were adopted.” That little punk started wailing so loud, crying his eyes out. Best part was, the parents complained, but since I was in costume and they had just hired a bunch of new people, they had no idea who had done it.
34. Justice Is Just Around the Corner
I used to lifeguard while in high school at a community pool with a big twisty water slide. There was always a guard at the slide for safety and what not, and one of the things we had to watch for were those kid’s bathing suits with the built-in lifejacket. Due to the life jacket, inevitably the kids would end up hitting their heads pretty hard against the walls of the slide around the twists. Like, every time.
So one day, a boy wearing a lifejacket suit wants to go down the slide while I’m on duty. I told him that he wasn’t allowed due to the risk of injury. Five minutes later, the boy’s mom comes up to me and starts yelling about how I wouldn’t let her kid on the slide. So I calmly explain our policy due to past incidents, but she’s having none of it.
The whole time, the kid was standing behind his mom with this smug look, like he knew he was going to get what he wants. So after a few minutes of this, I gave up and just said, “Fine go down the slide. Prove me wrong.” Sure enough, as he’s about halfway down, I hear two loud bangs as he gets thrown around in the slide.
As soon as he exits the slide, he starts crying. I, of course, would have administered first aid (give him an ice pack) because it’s my job, but the mom just grabbed him, still crying, and left without making eye contact with anyone. I know it was probably more of the mom’s fault than the kid’s, but wiping that look off his face was incredibly gratifying.
35. Not Book Smart
I did this unintentionally, but when I saw the payoff, I had no regret whatsoever. I used to live with my two younger cousins. They were seven and four at the time. They always came into my room and messed it up, awful stuff like peeing on my shirt and tearing up my books. I couldn’t lock my room because my aunt had an open-door policy in her home.
So I had to put my school bags and projects on the top of the shelf, which is about seven feet high. Well, one day those brats come in, try to climb the bookshelf, and it ends up tipping and they fall off. They both had to get stitches.
36. A Sharp Lesson
In grade school, I kept a bag of chips in the same pocket, every day, in my backpack. This kid I knew would punch that pocket any chance he could for five days in a row. One day, I replaced the chips with a bag of sewing pins. He never did it again. Sweet sweet justice.
37. Deal or No Deal
I heard this from a DJ in my home town. He’s pushing his cart of groceries out of the store and over to his car when a woman pulls into the handicapped spot in front of the store. No placard, no handicapped plates. She jumps out of the car without so much as a limp and heads into the store. He gives her some stink-eye about taking up a handicapped spot and she snarls, “Deal with it” as she sashays into the store.
The guy is now fuming. He sees a couple of officers who were leaning against their cars talking. They hadn’t seen it. So he goes over and tells them the story. They smile and say they’ll handle it. He puts his groceries in his car, and as he’s pushing his cart back to the store to put it in the rack, he sees the officers have blocked the lady’s car with theirs.
The lady comes out of the store with her purchase, sees the officers, and goes white as a sheet. He walks over to her and says, “I dealt with it.”
38. Fire and Brimstone
I was a motorcycle courier throughout university. Often, people tapped their ashes out their window so they’d land on me. It was rude and annoying and dirty, but I got used to it. Then one time, I was filtering through stopped traffic when I saw an ember. I just saw red. I stopped next to their car, picked up the driver’s cig, and threw it back through the driver’s window onto the back seat, just so they got a taste of their own medicine.
39. Wait Your Turn
I was in a massive line at a store. I’m next in line, but the person in front of me has a bunch of stuff. A helpful clerk sees the mess and opens another aisle, saying, “I can help the next customer.” Well, that’s me. However, as I’m stepping over to her counter, this jerk from the very end of my line is sprinting to her counter, pushing people, with his partner in tow.
He arrives right before me. They have a mountain of items in their cart, which he starts throwing on the checkout counter immediately. I’m standing there on the other side with my one item, burning with rage. But the checkout girl got him good. She waits until he stacks all of his stuff on the counter, looks at me, looks at him, and says to him, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to go to the end of the line.”
This line is now massive. I put on my biggest grin, made eye contact with him as long as possible, and loudly told the clerk how awesome she was.
40. Skate on by
I was working at a surf/skate shop when I was 18 in the late 1990s. A mom comes in, complains that her kid’s skate shoes are showing wear on the toe…because the kid is actually using them. She yelled at her kid in front of us, and then demanded a full refund. I told her that the shoes are not indestructible, they just tend to last longer than most shoes.
She freaks and demands to see a manager. I turn around to walk to the back, and then turn around to face her, and say, “Yes, I am a manager. Can I help you?” The lady freaked the heck out, yelled at everyone, and stormed out. The best part was that I wasn’t a manager, and my manager was watching the entire thing go down. He loved it.
41. I Vote No
Just the other day, I was at a Chinese buffet and the three people in the booth next to me were questioning the waitress about voting. She had trouble understanding them and communicating that she could not vote. They then immediately began taunting. After the waitress walked off, one of the girls at the table looked up and asked me where I worked, because I looked familiar.
When I replied that I worked at the local university in the social work department, she commented that she had recently been in my office to apply to our program. So I replied, “Yes, I remember you and I’m also on the admissions committee.” The color drained from her face, and she knew she was screwed. Karma’s a witch.
42. Fury Road
The other day my wife and I were coming home from bowling and we got behind a truck in the left lane, next to a Maserati with a total Karen in it. This woman then suddenly jerks her vehicle over without signaling. She’s in front of the truck, having missed him by a few inches. The whole time she’s acting like it’s his fault that she swerved and endangered everybody.
The truck retaliated by cutting her off just like she did to him, and then someone else came from behind her and blocked her in the other lane so she couldn’t pass the truck again. We got in on it too at that point. The witch was flipping out the whole time, screaming and cursing. We then found out the truck guy lived in our apartment complex, and high fives were given all around.
43. A Game of Telephone
When me and my ex-fiancée were having a bunch of arguments after we broke up, I got tired of her constantly texting me about nonsense, so I called the phone carrier to have them cut off service—to her phone that I paid for—right in the middle of an argument.
44. Ice Cold
This happened about eight years ago, and I was 22 at the time. The ice cream truck guy in my neighborhood made an announcement that he had one Choco Taco left. I wasn’t really wanting one, but upon hearing that announcement and being a sucker for the frozen confection, I decided to make a mad dash for the bright green truck.
The neighborhood brat obviously also heard the last call and was hustling to the truck. Haha little jerk, I’m older and faster than you. I passed him, laughing loudly as I could hear him pleading with me to let him get there first. Too darned bad. This is called Natural Selection, and I made it to the truck about half a block ahead of the kid. The ice cream truck gave me a funny look as I proudly pulled out my $2 and got my Choco Taco.
45. Cashing in
Years ago I was in a grocery store express checkout line, and the line was long. The guy behind me starts huffing and puffing about people using their credit cards. “Doesn’t anyone use cash anymore?” “They should have a cash-only line.” As more people use their cards, he gets louder and louder about his dumb complaint.
I was buying a $1.25 pack of gum and had $2 cash in my hand. It was too easy. As I rang up my gum, I put the $2 back in my wallet and pulled out my credit card. The look on his face? PRICELESS!! Even the cashier had to chuckle as she handed me the receipt and the guy swore as I signed it and handed it back. Made my day!
46. Do You Even Lift, Bro?
This jerk in the gym was once making some 14-year-old kids feel bad, telling them to put some “man weights” on the bar and stop lifting light, things like that. Every time they found a new workout, he comes and repeats the process, trying to embarrass them. I was annoyed but tired, and let it slide….the first time it happened.
Only it happened again.. The same kids came in two days later, and he was there also. He starts doing exactly what he did before. Well, that was it. I walked up right next to him, doubled what he was lifting, and repeated everything he had said to the kids in the last five minutes all while staring at him right in his stupid face.
He quickly moved on and went to another exercise. But I wasn’t done yet. The kids were looking at me like I was Batman. I followed the guy to the next three exercises and did as he had done, saying the same things. Then he left. Never saw him at the gym again, but those boys sure came back and have been making steady gains for over a year now.
47. Sit Down, Lady
Today on the train, I sat next to an angry woman who wanted the two seats to herself. As I sat there, she kept mouthing under her breath how she just wanted to sit there alone. I wanted to tell her that it was public transportation and she needed to get over it, but I kept my mouth shut. Then she got what was coming to her in a completely different way.
A few minutes later, a bigger woman with a large purse comes and stands in the same car as us. I get her attention and tell her that she could have my seat. She huffs and puffs her way to me and I help her sit down while grinning at the angry woman who was upset I’d sat beside her. I enjoyed watching her head almost explode from anger as the other woman’s purse and body pressed against her for the rest of the ride.
48. The Missing Piece
My roommate and her significant other loved doing elaborate jigsaw puzzles. After I found out she canceled our lease, leaving me one week to find a new place to live, I threw away 1 piece of two different puzzles they were working on. Before you ask, she was able to do this because I was 17, and not able to legally sign a lease.
49. Hat’s off to You
The Poo Hat. Found a hat in the car that I share with my ex. It wasn’t mine—it belonged to the girl who he had been banging for the last two years of our marriage. I dipped a q-tip in my dog’s freshly laid poo and delicately lined the inside rim of her hat with it, then gently placed the hat back on the seat of the car where I found it.
Returned car to ex the following day. Next time I borrowed the car, the Poo Hat was not there. Only regret is that I don’t have a picture of her wearing it.
50. Call on Me
When I was a kid, I attempted to call my aunt. For whatever reason, I accidentally dialed a 6 instead of a 3 and this man cursed me out for being a telemarketer. I was so stunned, I didn’t even hang up initially. My petty revenge was giving the number to all my friends, and for about two weeks we called him every day at all hours.
51. Horrible Bosses
I used to work shifts many years ago, including regular night shifts. My boss was an unpleasant person, to say the least. He would leave his keys on top of his locker. One night I took a small file to work and filed down one or two teeth of his front door key. The next day, he was telling everyone about how he got home and his door lock was broken and he had to get a locksmith out.
Happened again a couple of months later. Then his car key got some treatment. I stopped after that, as I heard him mention it was getting suspicious that all these locks stopped working. But that’s not the best part. Unknown to me, other colleagues also disliked him. One night his locker disappeared entirely. Rumor has it that it’s part of the foundations of an office block in London now.
52. Unsolicited Advice
I work at a restaurant as a dishwasher and prep guy. The boss’s son is a bit porky and spoiled. He comes in, gives us advice, even though this kid is like 12. So, one day he tells me “I’m not going to tell you how to do your job, but you need to clean the dishes.” My perfect comeback made him fall completely silent. I simple said, “I’m not going to tell you that you’re a huge spoiled brat, but you need to lay off that ice cream.”
I know it’s risky to tell this to a boy whose mother signs my checks, but a week of hearing this from him just made me snap.
53. You Just Got Served
When we were younger, my sister had two friends over at our house. This was not the first time they’d been over, and our sister’s friend is super cruel to animals. Last time she was over, she shoved our cat’s face down a glass of chocolate milk, tugged its tail, and was just horrible. So later, my brother and I are outside under our balcony, which is about 5 meters above ground level.
Our sister and the two friends are standing on the balcony. My brother is just bouncing this tennis ball, and the evil friend tells us to throw it up to them and they’ll catch it. So my brother aims for the friend’s face and throws it hard. The ball flies and hits her right in the face. She stands there for about two seconds, trying to understand what just happened, and then her face shrivels up and she just starts crying her eyes out. Me and my brother just got this “heck yeah” feeling.
54. Frame Job
I was in Toys-R-Us and picked up a huge bucket of those little green army men. But I dropped it and the lid popped off as it hit the shelving on the way to the floor. The entire aisle was now covered in green army men. This little kid was standing there with his eyes as wide as mine. When a store employee walked into the aisle, I just looked at the kid and said, “Dang kid, look what you did” then walked off.
55. Face Control
I was working as a manager in a big nightclub about a year ago. I don’t wear a uniform, but I have a radio and run the security team. The venue has a great smoking section that looks out onto the street. One night it was packed, so I did my usual roam to make sure that there were no problems. Since the smoking section was too busy to walk through, I walked down the street instead to check on it.
One guy stares me down, then calls me over and starts swearing at me for no reason. He’s telling me that “losers like you could never even get into a venue like this.” He obviously had no idea I was the manager. The guy kept telling me he would punch me out, and was clearly trying to look macho to impress someone. So I showed him who was boss in the best way.
I agreed and told him to come and meet me outside and he could even have a free swing. He puts his drink down, takes off his jacket, and storms outside. Once he walked outside, I walked back inside and told security not to let him back in. The look on his face when he realized I ran the place was priceless, and then the realization that he couldn’t get back into the club was amazing. It was the easiest and most fun removal I have ever done.
56. A Price for Everything
I work at a retail location that does returns strictly only with tags on the clothes. There was one customer who was exceptionally rude to our staff right from the moment she walked in and was browsing. She called both women working dumb idiots, which cheesed me off. But I made sure she got what was coming to her.
She came up to the register and told me straight-up she’ll probably return all the things she’s buying because she was just trying to impress her friends. So I took all the tags off the clothes when I was bagging everything. I bettered the world that day.
57. Patience Is a Virtue
I was next in a pretty long line at the grocery store. This woman behind me was making a huge fuss about them needing to open more registers, and she was swearing and muttering under her breath. When a second clerk appeared at the next kiosk to open another register, he looks at me and says, “I can help the next person in line, sir.”
The mumbling witch behind me saw the clerk coming and had backed her cart up and was rushing for the register before he even spoke. I saw the woman barreling toward the open register, and swiftly pushed a cart over to block her path. Her face got so red, it looked like she was going to explode as she nearly collided with the cart.
I just looked at her and said in the most innocent voice I have “Oops, he did call for next in line, though.”
58. Falling for You
I used to deliver pizza, and one time I had a delivery to a brownstone house with a small stoop. It was either Christmas or Thanksgiving week and we had snow/ice a couple of days beforehand. Well, I pull up, and there must have been some sort of family gathering at the house because there were a handful of people outside talking.
When I get out of the car, one of the people on the porch opened the door and yelled into whoever was supposed to come out and pay for the food. The woman came to the door as I was walking up the sidewalk. I was carrying a cut pie with a couple of bags filled with wings or whatever inside. I had a decent amount of food in my hands.
But as I was walking, I slipped on ice and fell onto the sidewalk while everyone was watching. The massive pizza fell facedown, box open, onto the icy sidewalk to the horror of the hungry onlookers. I remember being on the ground, in the process of getting up, picking the pizza up off the ground, and hearing this woman screaming at me.
She was so mad that I dropped her food. She didn’t offer to help me up, she didn’t ask if I was ok, she didn’t apologize for having ice on her sidewalk, she just flipped out on me. So now I’m standing there with a mutilated pizza hearing this old woman ream me out in front of her family. I apologized as soon as I fell, but she didn’t care. For at least 20-30 seconds she went in on me for dropping the pizza.
So I threw the pizza at her feet onto her porch and got into my car and left. I took her chicken wings with me so I had some sort of proof that I didn’t deliver the food and I didn’t get paid for it. I have a lot of stories from delivering, for some reason, this stuck with me for like ten years now.
59. A Brat Only a Mother Could Love
While shopping with my wife, there was this little bratty kid. He was running around, screaming his lungs out, pushing people’s carts and being an unbelievable nuisance. His mother was apparently not interested in his shenanigans, since she did nothing about it and didn’t even look at him while he was tearing around ruining the store.
Then suddenly, he lost sight of her. He stands there in the middle of the shop, looking around, and starts screaming in an angry voice at the top of his lungs: “MOM?! MOOOOOOM! MOOOOOOOOOOM!” I can’t see her either, so I bend down to him and tell him, in the sweetest sing-song voice I can muster, “Your mom is never coming back.” The shocked look on his face was totally worth destroying a child’s soul.
60. If the Shoe Fits
I worked at the shoe store Fayva, and we took back everything, no matter what. A stupid policy, but then again, Fayva isn’t in business anymore. One day, a woman walks in during Communion season, returning a pair of boys’ dress shoes she bought three days earlier. The kid must have played football in them after the ceremony—they were covered in mud, grease, and scuffmarks.
This was the ONE person I refused to refund my entire time there. She went crazy on me. Yelling, screaming, demanding a manager. So, my manager comes up behind me, and I just know he’s going to give this woman her money, and I know she’s going to smirk at me as she exits the store. I actually braced for it. Something even better happened.
Instead, my manager Mike walks up, takes one look at the shoes, and tells the woman “Nope.” She goes bananas on him now, telling him, “My son wore these shoes ONCE, to his communion, and they fell apart like this?” To which Mike calmly says: “Ma’am, it looks like your son wore these shoes to the Norman invasion.”
61. Revenge of the Nerds
When I was 16, I was repeatedly teased by a pack of 10-year-olds. They were really annoying, they’d call me names and had absolutely no fear of me as a much older and physically stronger kid. So anyway, a month or two later, I had been suffering from near-constant phone calls and harassment whenever I walked by them. At a certain point, I just snapped.
I walked up to the ugliest one, slapped him in the face harder than I ever have before, and grabbed his cell phone. Then I threw it at a wall and punched the ice cream out of his hand for good measure.
62. This Woman Doesn’t Have My Vote
I was waiting in line to vote, and stood next to an Asian man. We engaged in a conversation about the excitement surrounding the election. He struck me as a very well educated person with interesting insights. When it was his turn at the registration desk, the woman there rudely asked him if he spoke English before he opened his mouth.
Then she asked if he did, would she be able to understand him. I spoke up and said that he spoke English a whole lot better than she did and wasn’t anywhere near as rude as she was.
63. The Wrong Impression
I was working as a shift leader in a Dunkin’ Donuts and dealt with my fair share of rude jerks. On one particularly memorable day, a group of ladies came in during our busiest hour, just past noon. The line was almost out the door and we were short-staffed, so it was pretty hectic. While they were ordering, one of them asked for a job application and started filling it out on the counter.
She handed it back before they were done ordering and I stashed it on a shelf under the register and started making their food. They had a huge order and we did our best to get it out quickly, but it was obvious from the looks on their faces that we just weren’t quick enough for their liking. They sat down to eat their food, and the girl who just turned in her application got back in line.
I spotted her right away; she was standing with a glaring face, crossing her arms and tapping her foot, trying her best to look obviously angry. So I motioned for her to come up to the counter, since I knew she had a complaint and I wanted to get it fixed right away. I assumed that in the shuffle we had messed up her sandwich or something like that. Oh no.
I asked her what was wrong, and she pointed to her BOTTLED Mountain Dew and barked “THIS IS FLAT!” It was a bit accusing, as though it were my fault that the bottle of soda she just opened was flat. So I took it and told her to get another one out of the cooler, then check it to make sure it was good. After all that, she asked for a refund.
I said, as politely as I could, “Ma’am, I replaced your soda, sorry if there was an inconvenience but I don’t think a refund should be necessary.” So she stormed back to her table, obviously just fuming from this totally normal exchange, and started complaining loudly to her group about not getting a refund for the “flat” soda.
So, since I was having an awful day anyway and really could not see a witch like this ever working for us, I grabbed her application from the register, walked it over to the lobby trashcan nearest to her table, crumpled it up, and threw it away as she watched. The look on her face was priceless, and I didn’t regret it for a second.
64. A Game of Telephone
I work in local theater, and we have a lot of rude, awful women from the nearby ballet schools come through our venue; they’re generally the mothers of the dancers so you know, those awful controlling dance moms you see on TV. Once, this woman rang up wanting seats to an almost sold-out ballet performance that had been on sale for four months the day before the show. It did not go well.
She did nothing but scream at me for five minutes because she left buying them too late, whined about how she shouldn’t have to pay to see her kids, whined that we should get a bigger venue, then put me on hold while she rang three of her relatives to see if they wanted seats too. She was positively horrific to me.
The seats I was about to sell her were the only ones in the theater left, and they were actually good seats. While I’m on hold, a grandma of one of the ballerinas comes to the desk and asks nicely if we have any seats left, as she’d been in hospital and couldn’t buy them earlier. She said she’d understand if we were booked out.
This awful woman still has me on hold, so I put the phone down and sold this old lady the last seats for the show, then gave her an invite to our next year’s dance season so she’d know exactly when all the important dates were coming. She thanked me over and over, and she’s now one of our regulars and brings her grandkids to our shows. Meanwhile, this other lady…
Two minutes after the old lady leaves, the witch on the other end finally takes me off hold and says she wants the remaining seats that we have left, I tell her “Sorry, we’ve just sold out while you had me on hold I’m afraid, better luck next year, anything else I can help you with?” She was choking with rage on the other end of the phone, it was fantastic.
65. Childhood: Ruined
When I was in the 8th grade, I went through a phase where I didn’t care about anything because I was graduating soon. So I walked into a very, very, large amount of kindergarteners and yelled, “SANTA ISN’T REAL!”
66. Ask, and Ye Shall Receive
A while ago, I was walking home in the afternoon and I decided to get myself a pie, which was in a wrapper, from the bakery. I was walking past a bridge, which happened to have at least eight school children hanging around it. I was just finishing my pie as I was walking along, and this chubby kid walks up to me and demands some of the food.
I told him he could have the whole bag. Then I placed the empty wrapper in his pasty hands and kept walking. It was the funniest thing ever to see how angry he was.
67. Wrong Place, Wrong Time
I was in grade school, and we were reading silently to ourselves in a giant lobby. All of a sudden, I felt a rumble in my 10-year-old tummy. The pressure was building and fighting for immediate release. I knew it was coming, the gases were brewing. Ominously, my stomach rumbled in final warning. Foolishly, I decided to ignore the signs and let one out, thinking it would be silent.
Much to my chagrin, it shot out and echoed throughout the hallways. I broke out into a cold sweat. I tried not look guilty but that only made me sweatier. I looked down at my book, pretending to read, as I heard laughter across the room. I looked up, only to see a tubby kid laughing and pointing in my direction. I was so embarrassed. But I didn’t know the truth.
Through the corner of my eye, I looked at my poor neighbor, Colin. To my surprise, his face was redder and guiltier than mine. By some stroke of fate, he happened to have tooted at the same time! Everyone blamed him but not me, maybe because he had just won the school hot dog contest, or maybe because he was chubby. Regardless, I never felt bad about framing him, I was just glad I got away with it.
68. Cash and Carry
I occasionally deliver pizza as a part-time job. There is a customer who tends to pay with a big bag of change. I don’t mean a bag full of quarters, I mean a bag full of dimes, nickels, and pennies. Since his meal typically costs about $20, the bag usually weighs several pounds. It is a total pain to count out all of the change, so typically drivers will just assume that he has the correct amount and leave.
Usually, he has just enough or maybe a few cents over. I don’t think this is an innocent thing either, as he usually gives the bag of change with a big grin. It is such a pain that most of the drivers know his address by heart, and avoid going to his house if at all possible. So, I was having a bad night, and by the luck of the draw got this dude’s house.
I remembered reading something involving someone paying in a checkout line with a bag of change, and I knew I could use a similar method to take my frustration out on this guy in the pettiest way possible. I pulled up to his house and left the pizza in the car. I rang the doorbell, and when he answered I saw the large bag of change in his hand that I knew would be there.
He asked where his pizza was, and I said, “New policy, sir. Gotta count it out before we can give out the pizza.” So I sat down on his doorstep and started to count out all of the change. At one point, I even asked if he could turn on his porch light, because I was having a hard time seeing. He did end up sitting there while I counted out the entire bag of change, even though it took about ten minutes.
He ended up being about a dollar over, so I started picking up pennies to give him his change back, when he said that I could keep the rest as a tip. When I gave him his pizza, he sheepishly told me sorry and then shut the door. The whole situation was incredibly awkward, and to my knowledge he hasn’t ordered pizza from us in a while.
69. I Am the Champion
This was back in the 5th grade. We were playing football in the soccer field during recess. I wasn’t really accepted as one of the athletic kids, but I was still in pretty good shape, so by some miracle someone passed me the ball. I did a wild spin to get around one person and then smacked another boy in the eye. Hard.
But guess what? The kid I accidentally hit was a guy who teased me mercilessly. The kid fell to the ground, then I caught the ball and I scored a touchdown. When I turned around, I saw the kid bawling on the ground. Honestly, I think that was the best day I’d had in years.
70. Vigilante Justice
A couple years back, we were having a giant neighborhood water balloon fight on Easter. Things were going well enough when this little girl, who was maybe nine, went running to grab another balloon. She passed by a boy of about 12 years, and the little jerk stuck his foot out and tripped her. She face-planted on the pavement and started crying.
So I took my balloon and just threw a perfect arc, nailing him right in the face. He went home crying, I went home smiling.
71. Fluent in Smack Talk
I used to work for a major bank and while doing my stint there, I came across a ton of jerks. One time, I was taking a deposit for a lady and her daughter and I heard them speaking a Middle Eastern language. When I realized they were speaking Farsi, I was all ears—see, I speak Farsi. What I heard made my blood run cold.
They were talking about how much of a loser I was, how this job as a teller was the only thing I had in my life, that I probably didn’t have a girlfriend and didn’t attend school. Throughout this conversation, I spoke only English to her, and every time she responded to my requests she would smile and then say something nasty about me in Farsi.
At the end of the conversation, I switched up to their language and said, “Just because I work at a bank doesn’t give you the right to say things about me behind my back. I’m in grad school to become a psychotherapist and this job is for spending money. You should be ashamed. Is there anything else I can help you with?” Her daughter left the building immediately and her mother was beet red, embarrassed, apologized profusely, and left. I never saw either of them again.
72. Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
When I worked at an indoor amusement park, we had one Friday a month called “Rock n Ride.” It was basically a bunch of pre-pubescent teens getting together to ride rides and grind on each other on the dance floor. I almost always worked the coat check. These kids coming in were spoiled rich brats 95% of the time, with huge allowances and iPods and stuff.
Coat check was $1, but we charged $2 and took the profit as a tip for us. Also, you aren’t allowed to leave anything in your pockets for liability reasons. I would tell kids this when their jackets were obviously weighed down with stuff. They’d always just say, “Nothing important is in there, I don’t care if it gets taken.” Well…I would take it, all their big bills and iPods.
Later when they came to get their coats, they would immediately stick their hands in the pockets and then get mad at us. Hey, I warned you. Everyone loathed working this event… I’m pretty sure they don’t have them anymore.
73. Too Hot to Handle
I had to go with my parents to their friends’ house. They had a son who was about four. He was usually well-behaved, but that one time we were there, he decided it was a good idea to walk around with his pants and underwear off, grab anything he could, and rub it on his junk down there. His and my parents said that it was just a phase and that it was TOTALLY harmless.
But then he had to go grab my chopsticks and my napkin and rub them all over and under his happy place. At that point, I got pretty annoyed with him and decided enough was enough. I hatched a brilliant revenge plan. It was simple: I got a bottle of hot sauce that was nearby and poured some on my napkin. Then I waited. As I predicted, he soon came toddling over, grabbed my napkin, and began rubbing it. And then the crying began.
74. Customer Appreciation Day
I went to go get my exhaust fixed after I ran into a pothole and damaged it. When I went to go pick up the car a couple of hours later, I was treated to a woman SCREAMING at the guy behind the counter. She’s positively foaming because she has been waiting nearly 30 minutes for her car to be fixed. She even goes so far as to call the guy an “INSIGNIFICANT LAZY IMMIGRANT.”
The guy looks at her, then looks at me. He throws me my keys and says, “Here you go, your Magnum’s ready—no charge.” He then looks her directly in the eyes. “Looks like it’s going to be more expensive than we originally thought. Would you like us to call you a cab?” I returned shortly afterward with pizza for the shop.
75. Tears on My Guitar
I was at a guitar store once. I’m not a very good guitar player, but I was shopping for an amp and decided to try a few out. I pulled a guitar down from the wall, plugged into an amp, and started tweaking the settings to my liking. A guy in a wheelchair came up, plugged into the amp next to me and pumped the volume, then proceeded to play some metal licks right next to me.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt, powered off the amp that I was testing, and walked across the room to another amp, plugged in and started fiddling with settings again. Again, he rolled himself over, plugged into the amp directly adjacent to mine, turned up to 11 and proceeded to go to town on the guitar.
A second time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, walked away and tried a third amp without saying a word to him. He rolled over, plugged in, turned up and started playing as loud as he could. I asked him if he’d mind giving me a few moments, as I was considering buying one of the amps, and he responded with, “I don’t know why you bother, you’re a bad guitarist and I can do anything you can do ten times better.”
I looked him in the eye, said, “Not quite anything,” and reached up to hang the guitar from the top rack, all while maintaining eye contact.
76. Girl Power
My sister and I worked for Circuit City. There was an angry male customer she was dealing with who demanded to speak to the manager. When she went to get the manager, Laurie, the customer rebuffed her, saying a woman couldn’t help him and demanding to speak to yet another manager. So she got her manager Ruthanne.
He was so mad at this point and yelled, “Don’t any men work in this store?” I’m listening to this, so I walk out and say in my most feminine voice possible, “Hello sir, can I help you?” He screamed and left the store.
77. Be Careful What You Wish for
Someone called in during a busy day at work requesting that I fax an invoice. Almost immediately after, they called again and again, about 10 times in 15 minutes, asking why they hadn’t received it yet. I faxed them a copy on the hour every hour for the next day or two.
78. A Classic Move
This was my best revenge. I went through an awful divorce. My ex-wife cheated on me, told lies about me, and all throughout the divorce I took the high road and was there for my kids while she disappeared off the face of the Earth. Her birthday was only a couple of weeks after the divorce was final. As the kids were young, I was a good guy and purchased several presents from the kids to her. But I got one special “gift” just from me.
Among the gifts, I bought a necklace with a big red “A” at the end. Her first name is Ann. I had the kids give that to her and she wore her scarlet letter all around town. Most people in our town knew what she had done, and some were even aware of the necklace. Yup, I made my adulterous ex-wife wear the scarlet letter.
79. Winding Her up
I was walking down the street with a cig in hand when I see a woman eating on the sidewalk patio and eyeballing me. I was still 30 feet away, and she was waving her hand in front of her nose and pointing for me to cross the street. Instead, I walked past her…and managed to cut a nice audible toot right next to her as I kept walking. I was proud.
80. The Letter of the Law
I was crossing the street and some guy tried to run over me, and then stopped his car to yell at me. Little did he know, I was a law school student at that time, so I cited some (imaginary) section of the state vehicle code at him. He stared at me for a few seconds, then said, “I’m sorry miss” and drove away with his tail between his legs.
81. Shoot ‘Em up
When I was 16, there were these three “tough” kids in middle school who constantly teased my 9-year-old little brother. They would do stuff like taking his bike from our garage and hiding it somewhere, and their parents wouldn’t do anything to stop them. So one time, when I knew they were going to be coming around soon, I purposely left the garage door wide open with his bike sitting there in the middle.
Then I put my brother on my back and carried him up to the garage roof. I gave him my airsoft gun, which he was a god with, and sat there waiting for the jerks. Sure enough, the three kids show up, riding skateboards, and the moment they exit the garage with my brother’s bike, he just unloads full auto on their backs.
82. Do a Little, Pay a Lot
I work at a grocery store wrangling shopping carts. If I ever saw someone put a cart in front of their car instead of walking the 15 feet to put it away, I would grab my line of carts and block them in. I would proceed to take the longest time ever to gather their cart while pretending not to notice them sitting in a running vehicle.
83. And I Quote
After my ex told me she knows she’s better than me by a mile while breaking up with me, I took a screenshot of it. I now send her said screenshot whenever she tries to talk to me.
84. Movie Magic
I was sitting in a movie theater and people asked me to save two seats in the middle of my row. The people asking were elderly and needed to go to the bathroom. The whole row was filled up too, so I figured it’d be easy to save. I sat there for a while when a busty lady made her way up the row and stopped right next to me, at which point she looks at me and says “Can you move.”
I smile with all the awkward tension and said, “Sorry, those are being saved.” Then the lady does something unbelievable. She sort of tries to jam her way past my legs in a mad attempt to get to the seat. Her boyfriend was just standing there. I look at her, flabbergasted, and simply say again “Those seats are saved.”
And then I kid you not, she snapped her fingers in my face and said “WATCH ME.” At that point, everyone in the theater was watching, and I was having none of this. I could tell she was getting ready for another attempt, so I slumped down in my chair and put my hands towards the seat in front of me to block her, and she was forced to sort of run into my legs a few times.
I looked at her boyfriend. He rolled his eyes and said, “Come on, let’s go.” Best part was, after the whole episode was over and the elderly couple had returned, the people behind me asked me to save their seats, because they thought “If anyone could handle it, it would be me.” I felt like the hero of the movie theater that fateful day.
85. Good Boy!
My mom uses a service dog to get around. She isn’t blind, but she does need help walking. The dog gives her something to balance with. She also loves going to Disney world. However, parents forget that they need to control their children while they’re at the theme park. They just let them run wild, so kids will go up and mob my mom so they can start petting her service dog.
In retaliation, I start to pet the children. Scares the bejesus out of them, too, since I am a big, heavily-tattooed, mean-looking guy. The parents have never said a word to me because they immediately know they are at fault.
86. They Say TV Doesn’t Teach You Things
My sister said some pretty mean things to me in front of my friends when I was younger. So I put a slice of bologna in her walkman CD player. I got the idea from Cory in the show That’s So Raven.
87. Let’s Go to the Tape
I wear hearing aids, and a girl in my math class when I was in high school used to make fun of me. I hadn’t said two words to her, I gave her no reason to do it, she was just being evil. So I recorded her mocking my hearing loss on my phone and then played it for her parents. They took the new car they just bought her back to the dealership.
88. A Dog-Eat-Dog World
I’m walking in the city with my two dogs. They’re normal-sized dogs, as in, they’re not fat like so many overfed city dogs. A woman walks past me across the street. Without any warning, she stops and yells at me: “Your dogs look really skinny! They aren’t properly fed!” with an angry look on her face and like I’ve just done something to her.
This rude witch is obviously pre-angry about something unrelated to me and just wants to take it out on someone. But I do not take stuff like that from strangers. I am also angry. My dogs most likely consume more calories than me. I feed them with high quality, homemade food, plus raw meat and bones. Have you ever seen how a big dog reacts to raw meat? It’s dog heaven.
Luckily, this is one of those rare moments of instant clarity. I shout back my rebuttal: “I can’t say the same about you!” That feeling when I walked away grinning. There were several passers-by who witnessed the scene. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who got a smile out of it.
89. I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends
I called out a guy for parking in a handicapped spot while his able-bodied girlfriend walked into a 7-11. When he got out of the car like he wanted to fight, he wasn’t prepared for what happened. I work construction, and my three HUGE co-workers got out of our car as well and walked behind me. The guy shrunk back in and backed out of the spot.
90. Standing up for the Little Guy
I play poker a lot. In one casino, there is a ridiculously loud obnoxious jerk who plays regularly. He fist pumps and yells when he sucks out on people. Totally uncouth. To top it off, he is a larger guy and he tries to physically intimidate everyone. Now, I am not a small guy in the slightest, but when I’m relatively clean-cut, I look very unintimidating.
I am polite and friendly, know most of the dealers and half the patrons by name. What this jerk doesn’t know, however, is that I know how to handle myself both in a battle of verbal wit and physical fists. So one day, he was being his typical self and I finally had enough. He is verbally berating another player at the table for their “terrible call.”
So I just burst out: “Mike buddy, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How’s that violent case of herpes?” The table sits in silence. He never bothered me or anyone else the rest of that month.
91. Leap of Faith
We don’t get too many kids in my coffee shop, but when we do, 90% of the time they are little monsters whose parents let them run wild. I work at a busy store, so we have rope line dividers snaking through the front of the store. A girl who was maybe six or seven decided it would be a good idea to start vaulting over the dividers.
That in itself wouldn’t bother me too much, but she kept this up for nearly an hour, getting in the way of paying customers the whole time. I was running the shift, so I nicely asked her if she wouldn’t mind knocking it off, as she could get hurt. In the snottiest way imaginable, she said, “You’re not the boss of me!” and kept right on jumping.
One of my employees suggested I go talk to the parents. I had an even better idea. “Just wait, and watch,” I told her. I noticed that with each jump, she was clearing the rope by fewer and fewer inches, and it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened. Sure enough, five minutes later, the little darling made her last jump, got her foot tangled in the rope, and landed smack down on the tiles, face first.
It was one of the most satisfying sounds I’d ever heard. She wasn’t seriously injured or anything, but boy did she start wailing. Her absentee parents ran over and started yelling at me as if it was my fault, at which point I told them my job was to make coffee, not raise their children for them. They stormed out, with their bratty blubbering offspring in tow.
92. Foul Flowergirl
I went to a wedding a few years ago, and one of the bride’s younger female cousins was beyond obnoxious. Her mother was even worse, which is why I imagine the little girl was this way. Over the course of the afternoon, I heard her say such gems as, “I would NEVER shop at Walmart. All MY clothes are name brand.” She was a complete nightmare.
This was said to a seven-year-old girl in a very cute dress, which she proudly proclaimed her mother bought her at Walmart on sale. Later, while eating cake, the little brat said something way worse. She took some of the 7-year-old’s dessert, stating that “It’s for your own good, you’re too chubby.” The one that really got to me, though, was when she started boasting that she was going to catch the bouquet.
Every adult in the place was severely annoyed by her at this point, and I made it my mission to catch that god darned bouquet. When it came time for the tossing, I centered myself and gave a wink to my friend, the bride. She threw it right at me, and the little 12-year-old lunged for it. I elbowed that brat right in the face, and caught the flowers. Not even a little remorse.
93. Move, Get out the Way
I was driving down a very narrow street, and there were these two teenage kids walking on the road. They saw that I was there, but I guess they thought it was funny to stay in my way. After it wasn’t “cute” anymore, one of them moves off of the road, but the other continues walking towards my car with the worst grin spread across his face. I decided it would be good fun to rev the engine to give the kid a scare, since beeping hadn’t done a thing.
Well, I sure did accomplish my goal of scaring him. Completely on accident, my foot slid off the brake and I sped towards the kid, who was in so much shock that he didn’t even have time to get out of the way. Luckily for both of us, I didn’t smush his butt into the pavement, but I did manage to brush his jacket as I drove past. Watching his expression turn from maddeningly smug to pure horror was one of the most satisfying things I have ever experienced. I’m positive that he was unharmed, but he may have pooped himself in front of that girl he had been trying to impress.
94. Meat Cute
There was a kid on the train going from North to South Greece who was being ridiculously annoying: Screaming, throwing stuff, and generally being a brat. His mother was asleep and obviously didn’t care. At one of the stops, vendors were on the platform selling a classic snack, souvlaki sticks. I was kind of hungry so I decided to buy two.
As I was eating, the kid starts running up and down the track. Then I get a brilliant idea for how to shut him up. I call him over and I tell him “You know what this meat is from?” He looks at me, and I answer, “The last little girl who was being noisy,” and took a barbaric bite from my souvlaki. The kid ran to his mom and hid behind her the rest of the ride. The other passengers must have overheard, because all I got was smiles of approval.
95. Golden Boy
When I was 7, I was mad at my younger sister about something, so when she went to bed, I peed on her to get her in trouble for wetting the bed. Guys, it made sense at the time.
96. Good Things Take Time
While working at McDonald’s, a rude customer asked me to “MAKE IT AGAIN” and started to go off on me. I almost snapped on him, but instead, I threw my hands up and told my manager to handle it. The manager talked to him, then came back to me and said the guy was a regular jerk who comes in all the time. He told me to just make him another coffee.
I walked to the drive-thru window with this jerk fuming in his car next to me, talking about how long this was taking. So I picked up the half-full pot of coffee I made no more than four minutes ago and dumped it out. I proceeded to brew a whole new pot of coffee, just for him. I saw this made him extremely angry, so I went to the window and told him that it’s going to be another 5-6 minutes because that last pot was bad. He then peeled out of the drive-thru.
97. Did I Do That?
There was a kid in Walmart gliding down the aisles in those stupid wheelie shoes. He kept running into people and knocking stuff off the shelves on purpose. I got angry after he ran into me the second time. The next time he came around, I tripped him. I pretended it was an accident. It was no accident. That kid was a jerk.
98. A Little Put-Down on Your Pick-Me-Up
I currently work as a barista at Starbucks, and overall it’s a good job but the pay is just ok. One thing I really dislike, though, is when a group of young junior high kids will come in and order what feels like a million Frappuccinos. So my buddy who frequents Reddit sent me this post about a guy who puts the name sticker for the order over the Starbucks logo to ruin their Snapchat and Instagram pictures.
Last shift, I tried it out for myself, and it was IMMEDIATELY satisfying. The look on this one kid’s face when they saw their drink, knew they couldn’t take a good photo of it, but also knew that the only real problem was the sticker placement? Priceless.
99. Donut Mess With Me
This guy walks up to my work and asks, “Hey, kid, where is Voodoo Donuts?” Only he swore when he said it. I’m 27, he swore in front of a child nearby, and was loudly smacking his gum. Instead of sending him to Voodoo Donuts, which was only a few blocks away, I gave him directions that would lead him to the rough part of town.
100. Can’t Say I Didn’t Try
I work in loan collections, and most of my customers are horrifically rude. Sometimes during a really bad phone call, a customer will yell at me in a stream of awful words and then just hang up before I get a chance to tell them I’m trying to prevent a repo on their car. That’s when I call it a day and process them for a repo anyway.
101. Fly by Night
My wife stayed up late binge watching Narcos the other night and woke me up by being really loud when she came to bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep and I was super irritated about it. I mean, just be quiet when you come to bed. You don’t have to “THIS IS SPARTA!!” kick the door open, turn on both lamps and the overhead, and then come to bed.
Anyway, I’m a commercial helicopter pilot, and I had a 6 AM flight that morning. So I decided to take a short detour and flew a few laps right over our bedroom to wake her up. When I landed, I had a text from her calling me a huge jerk. Vindication feels pretty sweet y’all. Though I’d like to say, sorry neighbors.
102. Back of the Bus, Bud
I was a school bus driver in the 1970s. I ferried poor kids to the rich side of town, then rich kids the other way. Lots of entitled brats, but one stands out. Super entitled kid, constantly defying rules. Eventually, I caught him attempting to set a bus seat on fire with his lighter. School officials were called, obviously. There was a hearing with officials and his rich dad—and at the end of it, the kid got banned from all buses for the rest of the semester.
His dad offered to pay for the damage and quietly accepts the punishment. Then comes the surprise. Next morning when I arrive at 6:00 am to clean my bus, the rich kid and his richer dad are standing there. The dad introduces me to my “new personal bus cleaner” for the rest of the year. He brings kid every morning and forces him to wash and clean the floors on my bus before taking him on to his school.
By the end of year, the entitled kid is actually working hard and being friendly. We’re getting along pretty well and I help him out sometimes so he can get on to school. Kid turns out OK when it’s all over. Good move by his dad.
103. One for the Books
When I was working at a public library, we had a few local celebrities come in from time to time. Most of them were nice, but one had a real stick up his butt. He would complain about having to stand in line, about late fees, and about everything else. We would just say “Sorry, those are the rules” or “Thank you for being patient” even though he wasn’t.
One day, he and I were apparently both having a bad day, and when I told him there was a limit on how many DVDs or video games he could check out at a time, he slammed his hands on the desk and raged, “Do you know who I am?!” This is a grown man, mind, and I was a little college student who barely looked old enough to drive.
I was sick of him, though, so I just looked at him and said, “Yes, I do, Mr. X, and the rules still apply to you. Which of these would you like me to put back?” He was stunned. I don’t think anyone had ever actually told him that the rules for everyone else did in fact apply to him as well. He was a little nicer after that. Not a lot nicer, but still.
104. Peaceful Protest
When my brother was in school, he was horrifically teased for being autistic. Even worse, his aggressor was the most entitled little brat I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting. His father paid for boxing practice, karate lessons, and other martial arts. This made him think that he was the best at anything physical and he used it against others.
My brother isn’t overly fond of sports, and prefers to read in the library. As the typical nerdy kid, he’s a prime target. One day when the jerk had cornered my brother up against a wall, my brother finally decided that he wasn’t just going to take it any more. But he strongly dislikes aggression, and thus would not be fighting back.
Instead, when the jerk tried to punch him…my brother ducked. Three broken fingers and a trip to the hospital later, the jerk’s father finds out what had been happening. All his extra classes and training were canceled and he had all of his electronics and games sold. Also, if he wanted to have a car, he would have to work for every penny himself.
105. Café Society Girl
There was only one coffee shop on my campus, which operated out of the library building. It was always crowded. You pretty quickly learned that if you wanted coffee before class, you got there 20 minutes early, grabbed a newspaper, and took your time. It was always funny watching incoming freshmen crowd the line five minutes before their 8 am class and slowly filter out in despair.
Cue this little freshman girl walking up, assessing the line stretching out the door, and boldly deciding to just sorta…skip it. Now, the baristas were usually pretty cool with people skipping for simple things: Dropping a buck for a cookie, anything that didn’t require interaction. Not this girl. She caught the barista’s attention, while the previous customer was still paying, and went:”Hi, yea, can I get a latte please, like really quickly?”
“Umm, the line starts back there,” replied the now slightly confused girl behind the counter. “But I have claaaaass” whined the freshman. There was an awkward pause before the barista responded with a brutal retort, “You are on a college. campus. Are you freaking serious?! Why do you think all these people are here?! Back of the line!”
“Oh” was the only thing the freshman girl thought to say. As she turned to look at a line full of people staring daggers back at her, she looked not upset or embarrassed, but sort of enraptured by this newfound understanding she’s just been imparted. It’s like for first time in her entire life, she realized that other people were in her way for reasons.
It was actually kind of beautiful to watch, like a baby deer learning to walk for the first time. Better late than never.
106. Baby’s First Bust
The high school principal’s daughter, who previously got away with all kinds of garbage behavior, suddenly got caught vandalizing a lecture hall in university. She was unceremoniously dumped and banned. Her parents whined for months about their poor baby’s unfair treatment and the fact that her applications to other universities got denied. Boo hoo.
107. Sweep the Leg
One of my girlfriend’s cousins, a young boy, kept being a little devil and constantly bothering me. He just started hitting me in the face. I warned him, my girlfriend warned him, and I even said, “If you do that again I will hit you back.” So he did it again, and I instantly swiped his feet away from him. He whacked his head on the floor and cried.
108. All’s Fair in Love and Ball Pits
When I was 22, I went to this arcade-type place with my younger sister and her friend. It had this glorious two-storey ball pit with tunnels, slides, ropes, trampolines, all that. Most importantly, there were these American Gladiator-style pneumatic guns that fired the balls. To load them, you had to put the balls in a vacuum tube on the bottom storey, then climb up to the second floor to fire. So it took a bit of work to fire off three-four rounds. As I was admiring this cannon, some 12-year-old kid throws a ball at me. It missed by a solid six feet because little kids have bad aim. The intent was clear though: The battle was on.
I immediately enlist my sister and her friend. They enthusiastically begin stuffing balls in the vacuum tube as I swing the barrel. I blast the kid right in the forehead with the first shot and punish him with three-four more before he can dive behind a foam triangle cushion. This attracts the attention of the 20 other kids in the room.
Then, the little pukes formed an army complete with ranks. A volley of balls were thrown at me. Then another. I couldn’t poke my head up long enough to effectively aim. The tide began to change. My sister and her friend found large popcorn buckets. They began scooping balls and dumping them in the vacuum. I could not fire fast enough.
It was pandemonium. Bodies were flying, kids were crying. I pushed their battle formation clear to the other side of the room. Then I found their supply caravan. With my ammo stock full, my sister was a scout. She excitedly pointed over to my left flank. They had enlisted a really chubby little boy, couldn’t have been older than eight, to gather spent ammo.
He was slow, but could carry a large load. He had come close to us to gather balls. His arms were full, his chin smushed down on the top balls. He must’ve had at least 30. He was trying to scoot back to the other side, away from the full force of the cannon. Our eyes locked, his wide with panic, mine narrowed with focus and determination.
I pulled the trigger. Time slowed down. My aim was true. The balls he was carrying exploded everywhere. More shots were fired. Devastation. The kid drops to the floor as I rain full balls onto his body. The rest of the adolescent army was in full retreat. They had advanced to defend their brother and volley’d a couple salvos at me, but it was too late.
They were caught in the open and their supply cut off. My sister and her friend were throwing balls themselves in between reloads. I spun back to the supply kid. He was now sitting up and crying. No mercy. Carnage everywhere. Then things got truly crazy. A grown woman came flying in, waving her arms and yelling stop.
The package donkey’s mom. The final boss. She stepped in front of her boy and raised a finger at me. Her face red with anger. “HOW DARE YOU SHOOT MY LITTLE JEFFREY! I’M GONNA-” fwump The first round struck her right in the mouth. She looked livid. “WHAT THE F-” The sound of her cursing and crying was drowned out by the pneumatic pump of the cannon.
I pelted her and little Jeffrey for a solid minute. Satisfied, I climbed down and began walking out of the room with my sister and her friend. I stepped over her body and held the door open for my sister and her friend. I pointed at the warning sign on the wall that highlighted the danger of the air cannon. “That sign lets me put my balls in your mouth.”
We walked out and grabbed some coke and chicken fingers. Battle had made us famished.
109. Back off My Buns
There was an elementary school next to my high school, and some of the kids who went there were really messed up. They were like eight or 10, standing outside and being rude little jerks to everyone who walked past them. We were actually shocked with their vocabulary. Anyway, one day I was walking by, alone, eating some buns.
This one kid comes up to me with a smug look on his face and yells, “GIVE ME A BUN, YOU IDIOT!” The look on my face was must have been something like shock or disbelief as I replied, “No! Screw Off!” to him before I turned my back on the kid and started walking away to get to my next class on time. Big. Mistake.
I suddenly feel a slight push and weight added to my back. The kid was hanging on my back, pulling my hair and screaming “GIVE ME A BUN!” I felt like I had been attacked by an angry leper gnome. In my panic, the only thought I had in my head was “OH MY GOD! GET THIS OFF OF ME!” In some weird move worthy of WWE, I spun around quickly while straightening my back and loosened my backpack, which caused this little jerk to fly off me.
He spun around in the air and landed face-first on the concrete. He immediately started crying like the kid he was. I proceeded to walk over to him. His teary, fear-filled eyes stared up at me as I picked up my backpack. I turned my back on him again, picked up a new bun, and enjoyed the fading sound of that brat’s crying as I walked away, eating my sweet bun.
110. Hotel Havoc
I used to work as a front desk agent at a boutique hotel. A guy who was obviously very full of himself came in with an online reservation that he had booked at a shockingly cheap nightly rate. He proceeded to give me a hard time about EVERYTHING, from telling me he shouldn’t have to give me his credit card info since he had prepaid his reservation, to telling me “Um yeah, I’m pretty sure I can find the elevators, I’m not stupid.”
He was just being an all-around jerk. About 10 minutes after checking him in, he came down and demanded that we give him a bigger room with a king bed and a view, even though he had booked a standard queen bed online. I complied, as we had extra king beds available. 10 minutes later, he came down again to complain about the size of the room.
He told me, “I’m only going to give you one more chance to make me happy,” and asked for the general manager. After much arguing between him and my manager, we ended up giving him our nicest suite AND free parking since we had “Given him trouble.” He got all this for a way cheaper rate, like $40 per night! Oh, but he outdid himself.
Get this: He informed us shortly after the ordeal, while on his way out to dinner, that he was not even going to be in the room for the majority of his stay, as he was visiting friends and would be staying at their home. What the heck! So I made it my personal mission to make his life a living nightmare from that point on.
I reset his room keys every time I saw him leave the hotel—which was quite frequently, 3-4 times a day. It was particularly funny when he came back tired from a night out and had to come all the way down to the front desk to get his keys fixed. Needless to say, he was very frustrated by the end of his stay. I doubt he’ll be staying with us again.