People Share Their Most Inappropriate Moments of Laughter
If laughter is the best medicine, why is it so hard for some folks to swallow? Well, not unlike medicine, the wrong dose at the wrong time can do more harm than good. These Redditors shared the times in their life when “haw-haws” were uncalled for…but came forth anyway. From funny funerals to shriek-inducing social faux pas, humanity has never looked so bad at reading a room. Cut one loose to these shocking stories of inappropriate laughter.
1. The Last Laugh
Grandpa’s funeral. He had a bumper sticker on the bathroom mirror that said, “Old fishermen never die. They just smell like that.” I started chuckling and losing the fight to suppress it when my brother asked me what was wrong with me. I whispered the phrase in his ear. Soon our whole row (right behind Grandma) was snorting and chuffing.
She turned to give a few of us the stink eye when my brother whispered it in her ear. She completely froze, then turned back to face forward. Soon her shoulders were shaking as she fought the giggles along with the rest of us. After the service, she told us Grandpa would have loved knowing what that bumper sticker caused.
2. Not the Kind of Thing to Reboot
My best friend called me saying that she just pulled the plug on her father, and he passed away. I have known this man for years and he was practically part of my family. After she told me what it was like to pull the plug, and she was sobbing I only knew one way to ease the tension, so I asked her, “Have you tried turning him off and on again?”
She laughed while sobbing, as did I.
3. The Harder They Fall
My Dad’s funeral. The service had ended. As we’re standing in front of the church, waiting for his casket to be walked down some steps, I started to chuckle. I was thinking, wouldn’t it be funny if they dropped it, and he fell out, like in the movie Fatso? I told my Mom, and she giggled at that thought as well. It was a much-needed break from the sadness.
Dad actually liked that movie as well, so he too would likely have laughed at the thought.
4. A Song Received as Stand-Up
We “started a band” with some friends when was in eighth grade. I was getting okay-ish at guitar, and another friend played bass. A super confident friend of ours decided he was going to be the lead singer, so we decided to bring our instruments and stay up all night at his place to work on some stuff. The bassist and I learned (what was at the time) the brand new single “Stay Together for the Kids” by Blink 182.
Now, we hadn’t heard the singer do his thing. He needed us to be playing while he did. Sure, whatever. So, after we learned it, we were ready for a run-through. And that’s when it happened. He let out an out-of-pitch falsetto yell during the chorus, squeaking here and there. It sounded like frozen hash browns in a blender.
It was just so unexpected because the kid was so sure of himself. The bassist and I stopped dead, looked at each other and laughed. He cried and ran upstairs. Sorry, Brandon.
5. Hands Out, Headfirst, Can’t Lose (If You’re Not Him)
I was at summer camp one year as a kid, and one of the other campers there seemed to have a slight developmental impairment. There was a fly buzzing around his head, and he smacked himself in the forehead as hard as he could to try and kill it. He missed the fly and knocked himself backward off the bench that he was sitting on.
I had to walk away, but I was laughing so hard I could barely see.
6. Between a Rock and His Hard Place
During sixth-form art lessons, my teacher got angry. He had a habit of ranting, getting angry with his own rants, then blowing up; it was quite the entertaining spectacle. One time, he was mad off at the class for taking the afternoon so lightly. He angrily ranted his way into his deep passion of art, then stated, “When I see this rock, I don’t see a rock. I see art. It drives me. It turns me on…”
Well, in the silent pause that followed as he realized his phrasing, I let out a single sharp snigger which erupted the class into hysterics. He nearly chucked me off the course!
7. Does Laughter Heal All Wounds?
Once, in my apprenticeship, we got high in our dorm with this one guy. He told us how the song that’s playing now reminds him how his former girlfriend killed herself. He was completely serious, but me and my friend were stoned as heck, like really baked, and we couldn’t help but giggle at him. That was awkward as heck, but we really couldn’t help it.
I feel bad about it even today, but the exact fact that it wasn’t a laughing matter at all was precisely what made us laugh so hard. Fortunately, the guy was stoned too and even HE laughed with us after a while. He really was a nice guy, and we spent many nice evenings with him, even after all that.
8. High Culture, High Gas
I took my girlfriend to the ballet. Not really my cup of tea, but she was a dancer and knew she’d enjoy it. Surprisingly, got quite into it as it went on…until someone in the audience let out a supersonic fart. We were easily 20 rows away and felt the shockwaves as it blew passed us. We both looked at each other and tried not to laugh, but we broke down in full hysterics.
Weirdly, we got more dirty looks and a worse reaction than the farter.
9. What’s So Funny About Faith?
My cousin, during her dad’s funeral. The preacher said something along the lines of, “If [uncle] could say something to every one of you today, it would be to accept Jesus into your hearts.” Yeah, that would be one of the absolute last things anyone would expect Uncle to say to anyone ever. I was sitting behind her, and she snorted/snickered really loudly, and her mom responded in kind but tried to stifle it somewhat.
I think about that a lot. My cousin is awesome.
10. At Least She Didn’t Leave Them Wanting
My great-aunt Min’s funeral, roughly thirty years ago in Northern New Jersey (go ahead and do the accents in your head. You won’t be exaggerating.) First, we’re walking in with my grandmother, who was in early-stage dementia and keeps asking where we are. We keep telling her. She keeps asking. Finally, in frustration, my mother raises her voice and says, “YOUR SISTER. MIN. IS HAVING A FUNERAL.”
So, my grandmother says, in this really affronted voice, “Well, what is she doing that for?” Then we’re seated and nothing happens for twenty minutes until finally the rabbi—approximately 150 years old—comes shuffling in. He makes his way up to the lectern and says, “I’m sorry I’m late; I was in a car accident. This other driver cuts me off…” And this lady behind me says, absolutely deadpan, “So what are we, the insurance adjusters?”
100% true story. Aunt Min was a truly terrible human being and literally no one was saddened by her death at age 93. At the end of the service, the 97-year-old widower stood up and said, “Ok. Now I can finally have a life.” Which he proceeded to do, for another ten years.
11. Here Come the Waterworks
So, my granddad being in his late 90s has some incontinence issues. He does his best to deal with it but doesn’t always make it to the bathroom in time. One day his wife, my grandma, got angry about something unrelated and told him to “whizz off.” He goes away. To the bedroom. When he doesn’t come back after a bit, she checks on him.
He peed himself…in their bed…When she eventually found him, he looked her dead in the eye and just said, “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” I know I shouldn’t have laughed, but oh my goodness I just lost it. I love my granddad, and this was actually 120% in character for him, because he used to be a HUGE prankster when he was a bit younger.
12. The Devil Inside
Sad story of my sister-in-law being a victim of the opioid crisis. She loved life and had a dark sense of humor. I was with my wife and her parents at the funeral home going over the details. My mother-in-law pulls out her checkbook to write the check for the funeral director. It is check number 666. We all have a good laugh.
My sister-in-law would have loved it. The director didn’t know what to make of us.
13. Not Everything Should Stay Buried
I went to the funeral of an elderly parishioner. The church was packed. Women were weeping. Men were fighting back tears. The dearly departed had spent her adult life as an oncologist and many of her patients were there. Her elderly husband stood up from the front pew and, using his cane, painfully climbed up the three steps to the pulpit.
He adjusted his glasses. He adjusted the mic. He riffled through several pages. He looked up and looked across the 200+ weeping people there. He looked back down at his notes and accidentally let out a huge (amplified) belch. There was shocked pause, and then we all began laughing. He started laughing. There was this HUGE release of tension.
He smiled, shrugged his narrow shoulders, folded up his notes, put them into his suit pocket, and climbed down from the pulpit.
14. The Two Stooges
I was in outpatient treatment and there was a kid who was pretty introverted. He didn’t really talk to anyone, always had a hood up, went out of his way to never interact with anyone. Socially kind of awkward. Anyway, there was a girl going on and on about how she doesn’t trust other females and only hangs out with guys, “not like the other girls” etc.
Anyway, she’s going on and on and on and all of a sudden, this kid stands up and just screams at her to shut the heck up. We were all kind of taken aback, and she, of course, snapped back all ghetto. He finally turned to rush out of the room and ended up tripping on a chair and flailing to the ground. I. Freaking. Lost. It.
I was trying so hard to keep it together, but the whole situation was so absurd and then how dramatically he tripped just sent me over the edge. I thought other people were going to find it as funny, but they were just kind of shocked. Another time, I was in a mall food court and these two girls broke out in a fight and one of the girls had a decorative cookie tin you get at Christmas and started wailing on the other girl with it.
I was dying laughing and their friends were crying and freaking out. It sounded like a bunch of birds going nuts.
15. The Cat’s Meow
Thanksgiving dinner a few years back, and I was only about six or seven. I have a very large family, and we were all crowded in around my grandparents’ dining room table. One of my cousins had brought her new kitten that year and it was supposed to stay out of the house, in a back room. She was kinda sneaky, and she brought it in and hid it under the table.
Grandfather is doing one of those long prayers, on and on, and I can see my cousin quietly playing with the kitten with her feet under the table. The kitten is play fighting with her big toe and must have bitten pretty deep because cousin jerked her foot back. Kitten fell backward, bumped its head on the table leg with a thump, then raised one little paw to its ear, like “Ow.”
I wanted to burst out laughing, but I painfully held it in until the end of that long prayer.
16. Breaking the Glass Something
My little sister ran face-first into a sliding glass door, breaking the door and bruising her head. The whole family was panicked, but I thought it was hysterical. Lots of dirty looks from the family, but dang that was funny.
17. A Storm Has Landed, Unlike This Joke…
During a friendly game of Cards Against Humanity, somebody played the Hurricane Katrina card where it didn’t make sense, just to get rid of it. For some reason, I start laughing hysterically, while everyone else just stares at me. “What are you laughing at, dude?” My wonderfully eloquent response? “P-… people…. people died.”
My friends weren’t offended, just confused.
I was playing tennis with a couple of friends when I unintentionally hit one of the girls with a ball on her face. Her boyfriend didn’t like it.
19. The Eye of the Storm Needs a Laugh Track
A tornado was coming across a field after marching band practice one summer. The school was locked and there was nowhere to hide so we just kinda stood together under an awning. As it got closer, there were lots of reactions: crying, praying, begging, the usual. But not me. For some reason, I started laughing hysterically.
“Haha, we’re so screwed. We’re totally about to die, hahaha!” I don’t think anyone noticed, but that was my genuine reaction to facing death. The tornado went back up into the sky right before it hit the school and everybody was fine, but most of us still panic (20 years later!) during bad thunderstorms.
20. Holy Wardrobe Malfunction!
A few weeks ago, I went to the christening of the baby of one of my work friends. All her family and friends were there. They carried the baby to the front of the church, and we sang some hymns and a prayer was said. But, as my friend went to hand baby over to the Vicar to be christened, the baby must have sensed that something unpleasant was about to happen.
She had a firm hold of my friend’s dress so much so that as the Vicar took her in his arms, Baby Mary pulled down the front of Mummie’s dress and her right boobie popped out. The thing was that she didn’t notice for a second or two until the Vicar whispered in her ear. She quickly tucked it back in, but by then it was too late.
I know she’s my friend and I shouldn’t have laughed but it was hilarious. The whole congregation had gone from “awww”…..to a gasp of shock in literally a second as my friend turned bright red with embarrassment.
21. Release in Case of Emergency
One of my best friends was working at a small supermarket a while ago and I literally pissed myself laughing when she was on the receiving end of an armed robbery. She lives quite a while from me and our other pals, so we all have a group chat. At this point, I’m on a little weekend getaway with family, and I’m paranoid about my data usage, so I have no internet for the weekend unless I’m in the entertainment block of the complex where I can connect to the WiFi.
On our last night, me and my family went to said entertainment block and my son was playing with some kids. My SO and Dad were at the bar getting drinks and my Mom went to use the restroom. So, I sat at the table to keep our seats in front of the stage (where all the kids were playing and dancing with the entertainment) and connected to the WiFi.
The group chat started going insane, but this was never unusual for us, so I figured I would just catch up when I got home the following day. I decided to check Facebook instead because I didn’t want to get invested in a conversation. Well, the first notification was from a FB Group that me and all my friends are part of, and the one who I mentioned at the start had posted.
So, I clicked to see what it was and basically, she was a victim of armed robbery while she was at work. But the way she relayed the story made me cry laughing. I can’t remember word for word what she said, but the first half of it was really serious! Then, the second half is where I lost it. To sum it up: she suffers from nervous farts.
If she’s in a really stressful situation, she farts. Now, my friend is a bigger girl too, and her child was only about nine months old or so, so since her labor, she has limited bladder control. She sneezes, she pees. She laughs too hard, she pees. She gets a shock, she pees. She farts…she pees. When I say pee, not a full bladder load, but a definite little skoosh.
So, as you can imagine, the two guys came in with weapons up their sleeves and slammed the shop door closed. So, she got a shock and peed. Then, she realized what was happening and farted. They needed the door locked so one guy grabbed her hair, and she peed and farted. He dragged her from around the counter and to the door, shouting at her to lock it, and she’s farting with every step, all the way from behind the counter and to the door.
Not prolonged ones. The ones that are like “prrt” “bfb” “frrrrip.” She shouted at him that she didn’t have the keys and she peed through fright that she shouted at the scary man with a freaking weapon. In the second of silence that followed her shouting, she farted. He then let go of her hair and grabbed her arm. She farted with both release and re-grip.
She literally farted her way through an armed robbery. As if that wasn’t enough, I instantly went on our group chat, through very blurry eyes and tear-stained makeup, scrolled ALLLLLLLLLL the way back up and found the last time I checked in. How did she tell us? “I WAS ARMED ROBBED!”
What I failed to mention is that I also have a child the same age as her little one. That means that my bladder control wasn’t back to normal either—so, I too peed a little while laughing at the whole ordeal. I couldn’t even relay it to anyone because I was laughing so hard. Hilarious, but goodness sake, laughing at your best friend’s trauma isn’t exactly appropriate.
Full disclaimer: she laughs too. She even made her therapist laugh when she told them the story. They caught who did it, and I know they got prison time for it, but I can’t remember how long they got. The weapons were hammers. My friend wasn’t seriously hurt, but she quit that job not long after and it did affect her emotionally and still does to a point.
But thankfully, she’s the kind of gal who laughs and tries to see the funny side of things. She’s truly a beautiful person.
22. Make Room for Grandma
I’ve told this one before, but it was at my grandmother’s wake/funeral. She loved collecting the toys and prizes from fast food places, ya know, McDonald’s, Burger King. Anyways, we had a box of some of her favorites sitting under her casket during the viewing. One of these items was a stuffed, talking Taco Bell dog. The room was mostly silent, save for some crying people, when suddenly, this dog decides to spit out one of his lines.
The line? “I think I need a bigger box.” So, picture this…in a silent room full of mourning family, all you hear is that line coming from what seems to be the casket (the box was underneath, remember). Everyone just lost it. We were loud enough that the mortician came to complain we were disturbing the other patrons.
Grammy would have loved that story!
23. High Altitude Hilarity
I’m an airline pilot and often when flying with a co-pilot you get on well with, you will try to make each other laugh while doing the PA to the passengers; mindless things like drawing penises on paperwork, rolling up newspapers and hitting your colleague over the head with them, or playing Top Gun quotes from your iPhone.
Generally, I manage to choke out my PAs with a reasonably straight face (so to speak), but once I lost it so bad I snorted with laughter mid-sentence, had to cease the PA, then come back and just admit “Sorry ladies and gentlemen, my colleague was distracting me.” It was the most unprofessional, yet hilarious, moment of my career.
24. The Hilarious Sacrifice
During my church’s production of the stations of the cross. My eighth-grade class did it, and I was Pontius Pilate. In the middle of my speech, the kid who played Jesus sneezed REALLY loudly twice, and for some reason I thought it was hilarious. I started laughing while sentencing him to his punishment of death on the cross.
25. Break a Leg (and More)
My brother got a nosebleed in his sleep once. He had one of those bunkbed type things, but at the bottom, there was a sofa that pulled out as a bed. As he climbed down the ladder, he put his arm through the metal bars so that his hand was facing downwards, and he lost his footing. He snapped his forearm in two between the bars.
He came into my room looking like he had two elbow joints in his arm and calmly said, “I think I’ve broken my arm,” and I just lost it. He now has metal pins and whatnot in his arm and is left with two horrific scars.
26. “Readnig” Rainbow
I was in sixth grade in “Reading” class, which was basically just “sit still for 56 minutes and look at a book” class. It was the first day of the class, and I’m sitting at the back not paying attention because it’s sixth grade and I’m a sixth-grader. So, I’m looking around the room and see a kid filling out little slips paper and slipping them into the sleeve of his binders so he can tell what is in them without opening them.
He does Math. Then he does English. Then he does History. And then he does Reading. Readnig. Readnig. I see him slide this into the binder and put his pen down and fold his arms like he’s finished. Readnig. I’m dying. I’m clenching everything. Tears are rolling down my face. Readnig. I’m lifting up folders to hide myself. Readnig. People are turning and looking at me. Readnig.
The teacher stops and looks at me. Readnig. I know that I can’t explain why I’m laughing, so when she asks I just say, “Nothing.” She knows I’m lying. She asks me to stand up and come forward and apologize to the class for the disruptions. I get up and walk up there and I’m shaking. I think it’s passed, but I’m trying not to think of READNIG.
I get up there and I’m not looking at him. I’m just apologizing. No problem. I can do this. I just won’t look at him. Oh my god, I’m looking. Somebody, please stop me. He’s looking at me with this slack jaw and chocolate all over his face and he’s expressionless. Readnig is aimed directly at me. I’m done. That’s it. Kill me now.
I tell her I’m going to the bathroom, and she asks me to stop and I don’t. I get to the bathroom look into the mirror. My now red face is stained with tears and my eyes look like they’re about to explode. Readnig. I got a week of detention for skipping that class that day.
27. We Got a Rollaway Bride
My best friend’s wedding. As his soon-to-wife was being walked down the aisle by her father, he managed to trip on her wedding dress, theatrically spin around, grab the hat off someone’s head as he clutched at anything to hold on to, and pull his daughter down on top of him, breaking her nose with his forehead in the process.
Everyone, of course, rushed to their aid. Me, on the other hand, I fell to the ground absolutely pissing myself in uncontrollable laughter. As she was being rushed away, I was still rolling on the ground laughing my ass off while everyone stared at me like I was a huge jerk. Just because I was the best man, doesn’t mean I’m a good man.
The video still gets pulled out from time to time, and I still lose my mind every time.
28. You Keep Using That Word, I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means
My father’s funeral. We’re sitting in the church and on autopilot. My aunts are a few rows behind us, competing over who can sing off the wrong lyrics offkey the loudest and I get the giggles. The song ends, but the giggles don’t. The priest goes into his homily about how the dead aren’t gone, just sleeping. He prattles on a few minutes and stands near the casket, looking down at it:
“Paul…PAUL! (my dad’s name) Wake up to eternal life! WAKE UP PAUL!” To which my mother (on pain meds from her own fight with cancer and a valium for the heck of it), looks at me and says, louder than she expected, “Does this guy understand dead means? You don’t wake up from this one…” and I lose it. Loud obnoxious laughs. The priest refused to do mom’s service two months later…
29. Can’t Conceive Why This is Funny
Sometime during eighth grade, a new girl had moved in and was in my middle school. She became a friend of a friend so she would hang out with us at lunch. She was a bit strange but alright. One day, she just drops it on us that her mother was assaulted, and she was the result, so that’s why she looks different from her siblings.
Here was an awkward silence. I had no idea what to say, so I ended up laughing nervously until she started to yell at me about how it wasn’t funny while everyone gave me disapproving looks. I don’t really know what her home life was like or why her mom would tell her that. She moved away at the end of the school year since her mom’s husband was in the military.
No one heard from her again.
30. A Tragedy of Errors and Caffeine
I had just downed my friend’s Taiwanese energy drink. It was English class. We were watching The Pianist. During the scene where the soldiers demanded the old man in a wheelchair stand, I suddenly snorted. I slapped my hand over my mouth. But I couldn’t stop. As the two men hurled the poor crippled old man over the balcony, I was practically convulsing in laughter.
I didn’t get in trouble, but I got a few dirty looks.
31. The Last Gas
I was at a funeral for my friends’ mother who passed away. It was during a quieter time as they were about to lower the urn into the grave when someone upfront let out a long, loud and wet fart. I was standing in back and I wanted to explode. I had to be respectful of my friend; I mean I was at a funeral. Fortunately, I was standing near the back.
I was biting my lip like the Centurions in Life of Brian being asked if they thought the name “Biggus Dickus” was funny. I closed my eyes and managed to gather myself, but then, disaster struck: My wife patted my chest and whispered, “I’ve I got to excuse myself.” With that, I lost any composure I had fought so hard to gain.
I then stepped away and wandered through the cemetery for the rest of the service laughing my butt off.
32. Excuse Me for Getting this Addictive In-Joke
This was about 10 years ago. I had just moved to the “big city.” For the first time, I was dating the kind of artsy college girl I had always thought I wanted. She took me to my very first art gallery opening. All the pieces were these huge industrial looking things, very abstract, with plates on the front with words engraved.
I started to notice this weird theme with the pieces, and this one that says something like, “My nose itches, why can’t I scratch my nose, oh God why does it itch so bad?” As a morphine addict, I immediately got the reference. I had a great long laugh, until I realized everyone in the gallery was staring at me. The artist himself came up to me to see what was so freaking funny.
Anyway, the gallery was dedicated to his dead wife. She had been paralyzed and had to be placed in all sorts of machines, and obviously given intense painkillers. The artist was actually really chill about it and seemed to be happy that someone had found something to laugh about in his work. Everyone else at the gallery spent the rest of the night looking at me like I was the biggest pile of trash they had ever seen.
33. A New Twist on “A Stiff Drink”
Me and a bunch of friends went to a wine tasting “class” on a cruise ship once. It just so happens that the teacher was French (I believe, really not sure) and had a very thick accent. It should also be noted we were extremely wasted at this point. So this guy goes on, describing every wine before we tasted it. He would describe the bottle, taste, and even the cork. Except, he would pronounce cork as “Cock.”
“This one has a long cock, that lets it breathe, and really does blah blah blah.” I just lost it. Maybe for the next 15 minutes. Everyone was looking at me, and I didn’t care. It was just too funny.
34. Matrimony Under the Influence
My wedding. During the ceremony, the judge started his spiel with something like, “Marriage is an institution that is entered into purposefully, soberly, etc. etc.” The groom, the best man and I, made eye contact and all three of us lost it. Guess I should add that the three of us were drinking buddies back in our 20s and have seen each other do all sorts of embarrassing things while decidedly not sober.
Then all our guests lost it because the three of us were practically in tears at the altar. It was actually a great way to cut the nervous tension, and I definitely felt more relaxed and was able to enjoy getting hitched.
35. One Reason to Arrive Alive: The Jokes
I was at a seminar about road safety and the dangers of drunk driving etc. The entire sixth form of my school and several other schools were there, so about 300-500 17/18-year-olds. For the most part, it was very sad and haunting, as it mostly featured speeches from people who had become disabled or lost a child through traffic collisions.
One guy was a police officer who told a few stories about wrecks he had come across. He was saying, “It just makes you realize. You can be driving along happily, living your life and then BANG…” and I’m not joking, half of the audience said, in unison, “and the dirt is gone!” Seriously hilarious, but incredibly inappropriate.
This poor guy was up there pouring out his heart and we were all doing Cillit Bang jokes and peeing ourselves laughin.
36. Dishonorably Conduct Has Barely Been So Funny
In bootcamp for the military. There was a kid in my division who was getting kicked out for lying about a heart problem. He was still attached to our division and followed us around, but the powers that be weren’t allowed to do anything to him that would elevate his heart rate (so…pretty much nothing bootcamp related).
We are doing dress uniform inspections (pretty much involves us all standing perfectly silent and still while we get screamed at for a tiny lint ball). This female Chief Boatswain’s mate from another division is doing our inspections. This female Chief is also rather large…and hairy…Heart attack kid is standing there in his dress uniform. Wrinkled as heck without his shirt tucked in or a single darn to give.
Chief walks up to him. “RECRUIT!!!!!!!!! DID YOU FREAKING SHAVE TODAY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” Him: “Psh, no. Did you? You look like you need it more than me.” Couldn’t stop laughing. Couldn’t stop laughing after what felt like 10,000 pushups. Just when I thought they were going to let up, someone else would titter, which would set off a whole new wave of laughter and pain.
Heart attack kid continued to stand there with no darns to give and his wrinkled uniform. By the Gods, we hated heart attack kid.
37. Living Conditions That Are Hard to Digest
Buying a house and I mentioned to our realtor that we were interested in a house on Belcher St. My wife bursts out laughing at the word “belcher.” It was infectious, so me and the realtor started laughing too. Then we stopped. And she continued. It got weird.
38. Bad Timing, Pursued by a Bear
High school English class. A few days before I got in trouble for sleeping in and just barely making it on time to my first-period class. I was called a hibernating bear by my teacher, which I found funny. A few days later, we were doing oral book reports. There was this kid who had a stutter who was doing his report. He was struggling, but the class was being patient with him.
Then he got to a point in his report where he started talking about a bear in his book, stuttering along. Remembering just a few days before how I was called a bear for sleeping in and how funny I thought that was, I busted up laughing. The entire class gasped in horror at me. I was NOT laughing at the kid for stuttering, but I realized that’s exactly what it looked like.
I didn’t even try to defend myself.
39. Eat Your Words
A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn’t pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, “I want a PIE.”
My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around, when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.
When I got to the front of the line I asked the person at the register how many apple pies they have left. They told me and I bought all of them. I ate one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash. I couldn’t help but laugh.
40. Sold out of Love
Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay.
I paid the card. I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills.
There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns. A week or so later, she had a screaming foot-stomping tantrum about how it wasn’t worth her time to work her eBay business (because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought). Yeah, I had to laugh at her for that.
The story ends thusly: I later traded the stolen money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc. She walked away with less than she’d have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house. Our divorce was final four months ago.
41. The Death of Subtlety
My great-grandmother’s funeral. My mother’s family is full of drama queens. At that funeral, two daughters of my great-grandmother made a spectacle (but I will tell just the funny one). My grandmother’s sister went crazy and tried to wake up her mother, screaming. A group of people came to try to calm her down, but it didn’t work.
So, they tried to take her out of the place for some fresh air, but it was very difficult. They managed to do it but, it took four big, burly men—one for each arm and leg. She managed to get one of her arms free, and the last scene was them holding her while she was screaming “NOOOOO” dramatically, with one arm in direction of my great-grandmother’s body.
I tried so hard to not laugh because even if was a sad moment, it was hilarious. This woman never cared about her mother when she was alive, and left all the work for her sister (my grandmother) and brother.
42. Un-“Seam”-ly Conduct
I have lots of stories about my Drunk Uncle, but this one just made me laugh in a very inappropriate situation. So, my aunt (uncle’s sister) was burying her husband (therefore uncle’s brother-in-law). Druncle owns only one suit: the same suit he wore to his wedding. 20 years ago. Cousin and I tell him to get a new suit. He replies, “Nonsense it still fits perfectly.”
I wasn’t particularly attached to the deceased. He was not a pleasant man. So, while being respectful, I wasn’t really emotional. So, the coffin is lowered into the grave and the men start filling it up. As the soil piles up on the coffin, my aunt realizes her husband is gone (as happens quite often, there is a certain sense of finality at this).
At that exact moment, Druncle bends over to pick up his first shovel of soil, and as he does so, his pants split down the middle seam all the way, back to front, revealing his red underpants. My aunt cries out (my heart was breaking for her), “Oh god, my husband!” and right after, Druncle yells out “Oh god, my pants!” (not intentionally, she was a bit further away, he didn’t hear her).
He proceeds to drop the shovel and he tries to pull the seams back together to hide his shame as he’s walking away. Obviously, it didn’t help. I just turned my back to my aunt and everyone else and folded in half. Though I feel like I have to clarify, he wasn’t drunk at the funeral, he is known as Druncle because he is drunk more often than not.