These Unreal Comebacks Made Our Jaws Hit The Floor
The classic, “your mom,” or “that’s what she said,” responses will at least raise an eyebrow or two when someone uses it in casual conversation. But those aren’t the comebacks that really bring in the “oohs” and the “ahhs.” The best and wittiest comebacks usually come unexpected, and the harsher the insult, the harder the blow. From teasing siblings to humiliating meanies, we can’t help but be impressed by these genius comebacks.
1. Shelled Up
In junior high, the science teacher spoke about a boy in his 8th-grade class who had a receding chin who everybody called Turtle. He was talking in class one day, and a rather hefty girl said, “Oh, shut up, Turtle. Why don’t you go and grow a chin?” Right away, Turtle replied, “Why don’t you just give me one of yours?”
2. 2 Months’ Notice
I ran into my awful, no-good ex-boss at the grocery store. He tried talking like he hadn’t made the last year of my life just unbearable. I left him hanging and ignored his attempts at small talk. He went, “What’s your problem? I haven’t even talked to you in two months!” I stopped and said, “The best two months all year.”
The look on his face before he turned red and walked away was one of the most satisfying things I have ever seen.
3. Arrived “As Is”
Every time I walk into a store with my dad, if any employee asked us, “Can I help you,” my dad always responds with, “No, he was born like that.”
4. Signed, Sealed, Delivered
I was reading through a fight between some friends of friends on Facebook, and a girl wrote, “Taken but not appreciated,” in response to some advice about something. That person responded, “I didn’t ask for the title of your autobiography.” It is one of the only times I have audibly gasped at something on the Internet.
5. Eat Dirt
I have an in-law who was on the keto diet and used it to lose a ton of weight. One of his very overweight cousins took it upon himself to tell him that his diet would send him to an early grave. His response? “Yeah, but at least they’ll be able to carry my coffin.”
6. Proficient and Efficient Performance
My co-worker called the team lead and was on speakerphone to let us know that he was coming in a little later. They were trying to for a baby, and his wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle and all that. The team lead said, “Fine, we don’t mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!”
7. Arbitrary Aesthetics
My conservative Mormon mother decided to give me “the talk” for the first time when I turned 17. She placed two slices of beautifully decorated chocolate cake from a nice bakery. “Now daughter, this is you with your virginity.” She then smashed one slice with her hand and said, “And this is you without your virginity.”
She kept going, “Which slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband for time and all eternity?” I looked back and forth at the slices of cake that she brought and pointed out, “But mom, they still taste the same.” My older sister loves to bring this up. It may be a funnier story when told out loud though.
8. Im-Post-er Delivery
One time my boss was on stage for a meeting and explaining some issues the shipping company was facing with shipment times, which meant that we would need to adjust our shipping ETAs. Then this one especially outspoken employee raised his hand and asked him, “So, like, when are things going to be like they should be?”
To which my boss responded, “I don’t know. When are you going to be like you were in your interview?” And then the whole place went nuts.
9. Better View
A girl at work had to get glasses, and one of our regulars came in and said, “Aw, man, you should take those off. You look way better without them,” and then she went, “Yeah, you look way better without them too.” I thought that was pretty clever.
10. Rigor-Mort-ous Order
I had a really witty teacher for my game design class, and for whatever reason, the Vice Principal hated him. One day, everyone was studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was up at the front reading a book, very available, and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP came.
He said, “It has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable.” The teacher gave a nonchalant stare, coolly and calmly put his book down, and clapped his hands loudly three times, which was his very effective way to everybody’s attention when we were wearing headphones.
Know that the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he said. The teacher said, “Ok class, listen up. I have an exercise for you. This’ll only take a few moments. First, everyone stand up.” We all stood up in near unison very quickly. He said, “Good, now I want all of you to leave the room.”
“Stand outside in the hallway, and no matter what this guy says,” he said as he pointed a finger at the VP, “Do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!” We all exited the room a little intrigued by what was happening. The teacher said, “Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom.” Nobody moved not even a little.
11. Can’t and Won’t Pay
When I worked at a pizza shop, a troublesome customer was trying to stack coupons that clearly stated, “One coupon per purchase.” After every single one of us in the restaurant refused him, including the owner, he made this long angry rant about how the district attorney was his cousin and threatened us with a lawsuit.
As he was heading for the door, he said, “You can’t afford to mess with me!” I shouted after him, “You can’t even afford a large pizza!”
12. Shopping for Value
I worked in an upscale neighborhood. I was working in retail, and there was a really long line of people waiting for check out. A lady came running from the back of the line and screamed at me, “I CAN’T WAIT IN THIS LINE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPORTANT I AM??!!” I was already tired of everybody’s nonsense that day.
I retorted, “If you were so important, you’d pay someone to stand in this line like the REALLY important customers.”
13. Can’t Have Everything
I dated this girl for 10 months who was sort of a train wreck, but it was kind of understandable because she spent her entire childhood in the foster system and didn’t speak to any of her family. She was ultimately abusive and cheated on me with a guy we’ll call Derek. A couple months after the break up, she texted me.
“Just wanted you to know I’m sleeping with Derek again right now and he’s way better than you.” I texted back, “That’s cool, I’m having dinner with my family who loves me so I guess we’ve both got reason to be jealous.”
14. Getting in Your Head
A buddy and I were at a party in this rural university town around an hour from where we grew up. It was a fairly big party, and there were tons of people there including a few guys who played football against my buddy. Everything was going well; it was getting late, and my girlfriend came to pick me up, so I took off.
Soon after, I got the phone call—and my blood ran cold. Things had turned bad after I left, and somebody sucker-punched my friend. The way he fell caused his skull to fracture, and he had to be evacuated by helicopter to the city where he underwent hours of surgery. He had to endure a brutal, brutal recovery period for the next year or two.
They didn’t know if he’d ever be able to play sports again, much less a concussive sport like football. Against all odds, by the time his school in a different rural university town was having its homecoming, he’d trained so hard that he went back on the field a year and a half later for his fourth year of eligibility.
At their homecoming game, they played against the team that rostered the dude who had hit him, “Punchy.” My buddy’s team obliterated Punchy’s team the whole afternoon and ended up winning by a couple touchdowns with a particularly gifted performance by my friend. Later that night, we were at the bar drinking like fish.
We were celebrating such a big win, and ultimately, his return to being successful at football. Later in the evening, we looked up, and who should come swaggering over to the table but Punchy and a couple of his boys. My friend and I both stood up along with one of the D-linemen on his team; we were ready for whatever.
After the usual macho back-and-forth trash-talking, Punchy leaned in with a smirk and asked my buddy, “How’s your head?” Without even missing a beat, my buddy took a quick crow hop forward and HEADRAMMED Punchy square in the face. We heard a huge crack, and then Punchy immediately hit the floor and began leaking blood.
The rest of the night predictably turned to disaster, but before the chaos ensued, my buddy stood over Punchy and replied, “You tell me.”
15. No-bility Challenge
I’m a pretty big guy at 6’6″ and 270 pounds. I went grocery shopping with my wife, and went to go looking for something that was on the list. I was heading up one of the aisles where I crossed paths with this shorter dude who was obviously on some type of upper. He was bouncing all over the place looking for something.
He noticed me as I passed him, and he stopped and said, “Wow, you’re a big fella.” I replied, “Yes I am,” as I constantly get this remark. As I was continuing by him, he stated, “I could take you, though.” I stopped and put a surprised look on my face and exclaimed, “Really? All 12 inches?” He went red and swore at me.
I smiled at him and said, “That’s the spirit!” He mumbled something and walked away. That was probably my best comeback ever.
16. Room to Improve
My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, “Are they going to get married? I’m just not ready to be a great grandmother.” Someone said, “Well, you could try being a good one, first.”
17. Can’t Keep It Down
Carl, an old creep to hot women, said to one, “Hey girly, why don’t you come sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that comes up.” The hot young lady responded, “Carl, if I sit on your lap, the first thing to come up will be my lunch.”
18. What’s Mom Gotta Do with It
A friend was in an argument with some kid about “some nerd junk” as she called it, and at one point, he said to her, “Your mom’s gay,” as a cheap shot. She responded, “Actually both of them are. I guess that’s why your mom likes them so much.” She actually did have two moms, and she basically ended the argument then.
19. In Her Natural Habitat
I had a very witty teacher in high school who was definitely my favorite guy. One day in class, a girl was making a big deal about having to use the restroom 2 minutes after class began, so after arguing, the teacher finally let her leave. She was back in class 15 minutes later disrupting the class with her yelling.
“Oh my god, you’ll never guess what just happened in the hallway!” Then she started and went on and on about something stupid. Meanwhile our teacher was just staring at her for rudely interrupting his lecture and disrupting the class. She stopped mid-sentence and then asked the teacher, “Uh, why are you staring at me?”
Without missing a beat, he replied, “Why do people go to the zoo?” I couldn’t help but burst out laughing mostly because I disliked that girl, but it was a great moment.
20. Got the Smarts
A good friend in eighth-grade was poor. The guidance counselor was scolding him at lunch. The counselor asked, “What are you going to do if you don’t graduate?” My friend said, “I could always farm.” The counselor said, “You’re probably not even smart enough to do that.” He said, “Well, I’ll be a guidance counselor then.”
21. Accidental Release
In training, there was a saying that the leaders use: “Suck that smile.” If people were about to start laughing or if they were smiling, they would shout, “Suck that smile! Suck it away! Suck it deep so it goes into your gut and off your face!” We had a name call one evening, and all of a sudden, one guy tooted loudly.
Everyone was smiling and about to burst, and naturally the trainers yelled, “No laughing! Suck your smiles!” Then the guy doing the name call walked to the guy who tooted and was absolutely furious. The trainer yelled, “PRIVATE! What happened!?” The guy answered with a perfect poker face, “SIR! I sucked too hard, SIR!”
Everybody including the trainers and the officer burst into a two-minute laugh orchestra.
22. Pretty on Average
It was freshman year in high school, and I had social studies with a couple of my friends, so we were always pretty confident we’d always have some support. This big but dumb argument broke out about how some people need to try to act more normal. Some of the weirder kids started saying that you couldn’t define normal.
Our annoying teacher asked my friend, “What does it mean to be normal, anyway?” Without missing a beat, this 14-year-old replied, “Plus or minus three standard deviations from the mean.” It remains one of the best uses of statistics in everyday conversation I’ve ever heard and easily went above the heads of half the class.
23. Vision’s Been Compromised
There was a regular where I used to work who had to use two canes to get around everywhere. He would regularly drink heavily. Once, he fell down, and the bartender who was really rude said, “Oh my god. How messed up ARE you?!” He replied, “I must be pretty messed up because you’re starting to look pretty hot right now.”
24. Locked-In Opinion
My best friend had just found out that his wife was cheating on him. She left the house to stay with her new boyfriend. To say I never liked her would be a big understatement, and I offered to swing by with some new locks and install them, so that he wouldn’t have to worry about her coming in and then cleaning him out.
We decided to go and play some golf. The entire round, this woman just kept calling and berating him for changing the locks. We finished the round, and he made arrangements to meet her at the house to get her junk. Once she arrived, he asked that I sit with her so that she couldn’t take anything while he got her stuff.
We were sitting there not saying much when she said, “I guess you think that I’m a witch now?” I told her, “My opinion of you hasn’t changed.”
25. Carved Expectations
When I had worked at Lowe’s, there was a terrible family who owned a few local hotels and would shop frequently and were notorious for being openly offensive and rude towards my coworkers. They were also the kind of people who believed that they deserved special customer service. One day, I was loading lumber for them.
My friend Mitch was helping me while the customer was watching. At the bottom of his cart, a couple of small items were remaining, and as we were walking away, he said, “Aren’t you going to help me load these too?” Mitch said, “Help you? That implies you are going to pick something up too,” as he kept going nonplussed.
26. The Right to Bare Arms
Contracting in Iraq, we were headed to a party at one of the security company compounds. As we were entering and they were checking our credentials, the dude checking our names asked us if we were carrying anything dangerous. Jess, this girl who weighed like a buck soaking wet, flexed her arms and said, “Just these.”
Without missing a beat, the guy pointed and said, “The small arms repair shop is around the corner.”
27. Leveling with Each Other
A Mexican co-worker was giving trouble to an old white co-worker. The white co-worker tried to insult the Mexican, and the Mexican guy proceeded to say, “No English.” The white dude snapped and yelled, “Of course you don’t speak English. That’s why you have this terrible job!” Every person in the warehouse went silent.
Another Mexican co-worker asked very calmly, “So, Larry, you do speak English. What’s your excuse?”
28. Problems Multitasking
I had this roommate who used to talk a lot of smack, but he was a pretty good guy. He only had two power outlets by to his bed. When my friend and I wanted to use the outlets, he would jokingly tell us, “Only one outlet can be used at a time. One has to be switched on while the other has to be switched off at any time.”
My immediate reply was, “That’s funny, it’s kind of how your brain and mouth works.” My friend laughed so hard that he had to leave the room.
29. Bar-taking This Communion
A guy walked into my bar with brown robes on. I asked him, “What’s with the robes? You just get out of a Renaissance fair?” He replied, “No, I’m a Carmelite priest.” So, I exclaimed, “I’ll be damned.” He answered, “I hope not.” He totally got me in front of whole bar.
30. Anything You Say
In high school, I was running late to class and dropped my books. Picking them up, I yelled, “Shoot!” (except I didn’t say shoot). This really ornery band teacher walking by decided to inform me of something along the lines of, “Cursing is the sign of a feeble brain and limited vocabulary.” So, nerdy me stood up straight and looked her in the eye.
I said, “Mark Twain once wrote, ‘profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer,’” and walked away. That was maybe my coolest moment ever.
31. Not by the Looks of It
Two close friends of mine are identical twins and were playing cards against me and another friend. So, they were losing, and one of the twins made a stupid mistake. The other said, “You are so stupid!” And the first one went, “Oh, yeah? Now tell me that I’m ugly.” All cards were in the sand after 20 minutes of laughter.
32. Think Slip
When I worked in a restaurant, I worked with this guy, and he came in late. He said, “I thought I had to start later today.” The manager said to him, “You shouldn’t be thinking at all!” Then the dude responded with, “And then what? Become like you?” He got fired but also a standing ovation from the entire kitchen crew.
33. All Pals
I was eating alone in the cafeteria one day in high school, and this jerk-wad came by and said, “Sitting with all your friends?” I replied, “Nah, sitting with all yours.” He was deflated.
34. Skied Row
When I was in high school, a group of us went up to Red Mountain near Trail, British Columbia for a ski trip. We were riding up the chair lift with this nice Canadian fella, and I asked him where he was from, “Tight here in Trail,” he said to me. I, being a high school hooligan responded, “Dude, Trail is a total hole.”
Being a nice, polite Canadian, he laughed at that and said something how the mill smells but makes Trail money and all that. We kept talking. He asked me where I was from, “Lewiston, Idaho,” I said. Without skipping a beat, the nice Canadian went, “Ah, Lewiston; that’s where folks from Trail go to pick up cheap girls.”
35. Speak for Yourself
In high school, I had a couple of friends whose entire relationship revolved around teasing each other. One was British and spoke with an accent. The friend who was not British, Jessica, or some other name impossible to mispronounce, was telling the British girl how it was all wrong the way she pronounced aluminum or something.
The British girl said something along the lines of, “At least I don’t mispronounce my own name.” Jessica looked confused and said, “Jessica?” The Brit responded, “No, Witch.”
36. When’s Party Time?
I was getting a liquor selling license, and the Magistrate had been refusing people all morning. The guy who was supporting my application knew the guy refused everybody, so we were going to apply another day, but I still needed to be questioned. One part of getting a license is having to know who you aren’t allowed to serve.
One of these groups includes known lady workers. He asked me to list all the people who I couldn’t serve. When I was concluding my list, I said, “And, ahem, known ladies of the evening.” The judge corrected me, “Do you mean ladies of the night?” I responded with, “I obviously go out a lot earlier than you, Your Honor.”
37. Take My Breath Away
I always sit nearest the door at every job somehow. We share a building with a Visa company, and they were in the room next door to us but recently moved their offices to another floor. I was sitting working doing nothing important. I heard sounds to my right where this gorgeous lady was leaning against the door-frame.
“I’m looking for someone,” she said breathlessly in this strong Eastern-European accent in about the most “come hither” voice I’ve ever heard outside of a movie. Without even thinking, I quipped, “You’ve found someone.” Nobody who worked with me in that company has ever let me forget the smoothest line I will ever give.
38. A Little Flush
I was making an omelet in the kitchen with Roommate 1 when Roommate 2 joined us there. Roommate 2 asked me, “Why don’t you put the tomatoes in while cooking?” I said, “I don’t like how they turn mushy.” He said sarcastically, “C’mon, what’s a little mush.” I said, “Poop.” He went, “What’s a little poop?” I said, “You.”
39. Joining the Two
A few years ago, I was talking about gender roles at weddings when a girl asked, “If the groom gives a speech, what about the bride?” Someone answered, “Sit and look pretty,” trying to be clever. She went, “But what if the bride isn’t pretty?” An answer came back, “Well, girl, you’re just going to have to do a speech.”
40. Wielding a Clever
I used to work as a carpenter’s assistant. I bought myself a 22-ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you’ll ever need. One dude who worked with me was teasing me, “A real carpenter doesn’t need more than a 16 ouncer!” I replied with, It sounds like you’ve been listening to the wife too much.”
He went, “Huh?” And I explained, “She’s been telling you size doesn’t matter, right?”
41. Stated in Print
I started working in a chemical plant after my years with the USMC, and everyone there had 10 plus years of service with the plant. This one particularly old idiot told me, “I’ve spent more time in the pooper at this plant than you’ve been here,” as he fumbled with a computer trying to figure out how to print an email.
After a couple of minutes, he quietly asked me for help. Steaming, I said sure, printed it easily, and while I handed it to him in front of the people who had just heard his witty pooper jibe said, “If you spent more time on the computer and less time in the pooper maybe you can figure this out for yourself next time.”
42. Driving Fast, Faces Pass, and I’m Unwound
Two coworkers, Craig and Fred, and I would always drive through downtown on our way home from work because it was right next to the university, and there were always hot ladies walking around. We would spot and choose girls saying which ones were gorgeous, and we would usually agree unless Fred was the one to pick her.
Well, Fred finally got fed up with us and asked us why we never agreed with him on which girls he thought were hot. I said to him, “Well if you’d quit picking dudes, we might agree with you.” We all laughed, and then he said, “Alright, I’ll find a good one then.” He spotted somebody going through the back of their car.
She had long blonde hair, so Fred said, “Here! This one! She is so hot!” As we drove by, that person stood up and faced us. “She” was actually a “he” with long blonde hair and a mustache. I turned to my co-worker and said, “Point proven.”
43. You’ll See. You’ll All See!
My friend was boasting about how great it was that he wasn’t going to college and other stuff. I can’t remember what he said exactly, but at one point he says, “Ask me in [x] years,” and I said, “I will, and when I do, I’ll ask for fries as well.” My friends were howling.
44. Staying Busy
The teacher was explaining to a class of teenagers that the exam next day was very important and there would be no exceptions or excuses accepted for missing it. One student shouted out, “What if I’ve been up doing the dirty deed?” The teacher came right back with, “You’ll just have to write with your other hand then.”
45. Doing as I Should
When I was in high school, I was skipping study hall and wandering around the halls just chilling out. The security guard stopped me and asked where I was supposed to be. I told her, “Right here.” She looked at me and asked me, “What are you talking about? I said, “I have study hall, and here I am, studying the halls!”
She looked at me, started laughing, and told me that was such a good response to go to the other side of the school and she’d pretend she hadn’t seen me.
46. Reputable Terms
Once, I asked a middle-aged woman to borrow her pen on the train. I said, “May I please borrow your pen, ma’am?” The woman answered, “Excuse me, don’t call me ma’am. Don’t you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?” I said, “My apologies…sir.”
47. Comes with Age
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger “You know, inhaling that is bad for you.” The stranger replied, “You know, my grandma lived to the age 101.” The guy went, “Doing that?” The stranger immediately replied with, “Minding her own business.”
48. Been There, Done That
This short guy at a wings place was not sober and talking trash to my brother for being tall for some reason. He was saying stuff like, “Oh, big tall man over here. Look at you, aren’t you special?” My brother responded with, “Dude, I was your height. It wasn’t that great.”
49. Up for Interpretation
One time my girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do. Being a rude animal, I said, “It starts with an F and ends with a CK.” Without even looking up from her magazine, she said, “Find your lost hockey puck?”
50. Back to Your Roots
The new sergeant asked my fire team partner, “Where are you from?” My partner answered him, “Red Deer, Alberta.” He said, “I heard there’s nothing but steers and queers there.” Private Brown then asked, “Where are you from?” He answered, “My mother’s canal.” “I’ll have to try and visit some time,” my partner responded.
51. Raising the Roof
There was this one day when I was helping my father while he worked on the roof. The wind had blown the ladder over, so my dad said, “Well, son, I guess this means I’m counting on you now!” Then I responded to him with, “Don’t worry, Dad. I won’t let you down!” He almost fell off the roof because he was laughing at me.
52. So Sorry, Sir
I used to work at a casino, and I was the dealer on a roulette table. A player said to me, “What do I get if the ball lands on a number besides the one I bet on?” I answered him, “My condolences.”
53. Out of Sight
My sister was cleaning out her room and basically left bags of old clothes and garbage in the living room in the process. Her room was now spotless, but the rest of the house was a disaster. When I told her she was messy, she argued, “Messy? Have you seen my room?” I answered, “How couldn’t I? It’s all over the house.”
54. Perfect Toss
On the bus in high school, this girl who frequently annoyed me with her loud storytelling was telling everyone about how one of the trash collectors hit on her while she was waiting for the bus. Usually, I was the quiet kid who kept to myself, but this time I chimed in with, “I think he was just trying to do his job.”
55. Smooth Curfew
My friend was blacked out at a party. A friend came and told us that girls were coming including one who my friend didn’t like. He shouted, “Hey Chris, your girlfriend will be here soon.” He rolled over keeping his eyes closed and mumbled, “I didn’t know your mom went out this late,” and then rolled over back to sleep.
56. Walk in the Park
I graduated college a few years back and worked a rather boring desk job to save up money to go to grad school. My boss has a great doggy who I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much. Once, I had some college friends visit me, some of whom I’m not a huge fan.
This girl asked, “Hey, how’s your job going picking up dog poop?” I think she must have seen my Snapchat or something else. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never that close in college or anything. I was already aware that she still didn’t have a job and was working on her “music career.”
So, I responded with, “Good. Speaking of dog poop, how’s your music career going?” I still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
57. Up-Kale Qualifications
One of my old bosses, for whom I loved working, was snarky and sarcastic with me and the other employees. We loved it, it lightened the mood, and we had some nasty burns in there. He also happened to be gay. One time, he was complaining about some sample he’d tried at Whole Foods like Kale water or some other nonsense.
His comment went, “God, it was awful. It tasted like bum that was covered in lawn clippings.” I popped my head around the corner and said, “Well, Tim, as the only gay guy and vegetarian here, you’re the most qualified to make that statement.” He just stared at me and sputtered a little. We’ll still laugh about it.
58. Tit for Tac
My older sister is very upset that I am taller than her. It’s only by a few inches though. One day, she was being especially annoying. I said, “Remember, I am still taller than you!” She said, “Yeah, but my chest is bigger!” I responded, “Even if you put what’s on your chest on your head, I’d still be taller than you!”
She got so red-faced until my dad started laughing. She still brings it up to this day.
59. Stranger Than Friction
I was visiting my old lab at university at which the girlfriend of an ex-friend happened to be waiting in line to enter. This chick hated me. She came up, small fists in balls of rage, and demanded to know why I was there. I knew exactly who she was. I looked at her up and down and then met her glare with a bored look.
I asked her, “And who exactly are you?” Her jaw dropping and sputtering will forever make all that drama worth it.
60. Years of Wit
I had just turned seven the day before, and I was in the car with my mom and brother after school. My brother and mom were arguing over something, and my mom said, “I wasn’t born yesterday!” to my brother. I replied saying, “I was!” It was a good day.
61. Up There with the Truth
My co-worker was complaining about her teenage son’s behavior—how she was doing everything she could and how his therapist wasn’t doing anything that seemed to help. Exasperated, she exclaimed, “How do you medicate a bum-hole?” I replied, “With a suppository.”
62. What a Moby Dick
My friend was at a music festival in my city. It attracted a pretty huge, rowdy crowd. Everyone was drinking and having a good time, and then a middle-aged woman came and shoved into my friend, which made him basically up-end his pint all over himself. He was not pleased. This middle-aged woman decided to pick a fight.
It started getting a bit physical. My friend looked her straight in the eye and without missing a beat, said “I’d deck you but some whales are protected. So, I guess I can’t.” She started crying and left.
63. Nice of You to Notice
I’m a dude, and I was about to cross a road with a few friends who were all women. A car drove by with its windows down with some dudes. They were catcalling my friends, whistling, and shouting, “Hey sexy!” and such. I shouted back, “Aw, thank you!” The girls burst into laughter, and the dudes looked confused. They drove off.
64. A Single Lash
I was always quiet growing up and got teased a lot. There was a kid who always got on the bus and asked me what time he should pick me up for our date. I’m not even sure where I heard it or why I said it, but one day, I decided to answer instead of ignoring it. I told him 5 PM; you bring the handcuffs. I have the whip.
The kid never said another word to me even years later when I took my driving test, and he was there too. I wished him luck, and he wouldn’t talk to me. I can only imagine how shocked he was because like I said, I was super quiet normally and an easy target.
65. Saying the Wrong Thing
At an interview to work at a brewery that was newly opening, they were having to ask all these generic, “So they don’t sue us later” type questions. The manager asked me, “Are you offended by or uncomfortable with foul language?” I answered, “Mine or someone else’s?” He laughed out loud and then got hired the next day.
66. Getting a Jump on Things
It was Friday night, and a friend from another country, Sam, just arrived by car to Max’s place. We were chatting and waiting for Max before unloading the car since he was going to sleep at his place for a few days. Max came over and did a Starsky-and-Hutch move where he slid on the front of the car without any damage.
Everybody was okay with it, but a car that was passing stopped and two enforcement men came out. They asked us what we were doing and asked for Max’s ID. We explained that it was Sam’s car and that no harm was done. They checked our IDs, and everything was okay, but they wouldn’t drop it: They wanted to teach us a lesson.
The guy went, “Even if it’s your buddy’s car, you shouldn’t do that even as a joke. I’m sure you’d be annoyed if someone jumped on your car, right?” Max answered, “I don’t have a car.” The guy went, “Well, you wouldn’t like it if he’d jump on your PlayStation then, right?” “I don’t have a PlayStation either,” Max said.
Annoyed, he asked, “Okay, then what do you have?” Max said, “A trampoline.” He didn’t catch it and went, “And I bet you wouldn’t like it if he jumped on your…” Just as he realized he was falling for the bait; he went silent and then visibly mad. They went back in their car and drove away. That was a splendid comeback.
67. What a Pain
When my brother and I were 11 and 8, he’d called me gay. He didn’t know what it meant, and I probably didn’t either, but it was a term that we used at the time to mean “lame.” We were on a long road trip when he called me this. About 30 minutes later, he started to complain about his bum hurting from the long car ride.
Without missing a beat, I said, “And you called me gay?” My dad had to pull the truck over because he was laughing so hard that he had tears coming out.
68. Testing the Waters
I was at a pub with some of my friends when a waitress brought us a bunch of tap water that we hadn’t ordered. She told us that they’re from that table and pointed to a table with a bunch of guys that eventually all came pooling over. They noticed that my friends are Persian and started talking about their backgrounds.
This one guy who was talking the most said that he’s Dutch. Without thinking, I said, “That explains the waters,” and everyone did a bunch of “Oohs” and were jumping all over each other laughing as I quickly waved that it was a joke. I have plenty of Dutch friends who are always joking about their parent’s thriftiness.
69. All About Length
I used to work as an M1 tank mechanic. Crews would frequently ask me how long the repairs would take. I was doing a fairly complex job on a turret when the tank’s commander popped his head in the hatch and asked me, “How much longer are you going to take?” I answered, “The ad said two to three inches or my money back.”
The part I messed up was not considering that the #1 tank in a squad usually has someone in charge of it, and not everyone in charge appreciates that sort of humor when they’re looking for a quick answer to a question.
70. Generational Blessings
On Thanksgiving, my entire family was sitting around talking, and somebody brought up the subject of winning contests. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “Oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?” I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered, “By the looks of it, the genetic lottery.”
In my junior year trigonometry class, there was this girl who sat next to me was talking about how she would only date guys who were athletic and good looking and with good grades, etc. She proceeded to say, “I’m just a girl who is hard to get.” After she said that, I immediately replied with, “More like hard to want.”
Everyone who sat around me who overheard what I said began cracking up, and my trigonometry teacher even came by to ask us what happened because of how much laughing there was.
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