Everybody wants to be successful, but that's obviously not a guarantee. The world is unfair that way—you can plan ahead, work your butt off, and do everything right, yet still fail miserably. It sucks, but at least you can learn from your mistakes. Here are some of the most embarrassing life fails ever:
1. Some People’s Families…
As a nanny, I worked for a clueless couple who had no idea how to raise a kid. He wore the same outfit every day for a month until I gently suggested that he needed new clothes. His parents asked me, “Where can we get baby clothes?” This was slightly hilarious given that they lived above a Target and next to a baby boutique.
I had to have the same conversation once the child was old enough for solid foods. I was asked, “Where can we get baby food?” I had to explain that most grocery stores carry a baby aisle, or that she can mash up her own fruits at home for the baby. This family decided that sour cream would be a great first food for their baby!
I’ll mention that this was a wealthy family who went on vacation at least 2-3 times a month. By far the weirdest thing they ever did was try and drop off Grandma at day care along with the baby.
2. This Way Out
I tried to dramatically leave and slam the door after an argument in a new apartment. I walked into a bedroom...
3. A Wild Ride
I live in South America, and I once met an American tourist. When I asked her how it felt to be so far from home, she told me that she really isn't that far because these "so-called foreign countries" are actually located within the United States, and they just fly the plane in circles for hours and hours to convince you that you're in another country.
4. Feeling Good, Looking Better
After losing some weight and getting over some shyness I decided it was time to put on a black dress, heels and head out. As I walked to my car, a group of guys driving by honked their horns. They all waved and whistled and I thought...wow maybe I am looking great. So naturally, the next thing that happened included me tripping in my new heels and face-planting in front of them.
5. Ice Cold Calling
When working at a video game company, we had three trespassing incidents in just one summer. All three times, it was students from a nearby art school. And all three times, they snuck into the building to cold-crash the art director into a job interview. The first time, we just figured it was some young student oblivious to the multiple levels of security and protections around our IP.
He blended in with a bunch of company employees out in front during their break. When they started heading back in, he walked in with them. Once inside, this guy just started wandering the halls looking for an office with an "art director" plaque on it. This kid was let off with one heck of a stern warning, but nothing beyond that.
Very detailed emails went out to all employees to keep our eyes out for unfamiliar faces without badges, and to keep our own employee badges visible. A week later, it happened again. A student from the same campus walked in through the side door with a group, but they figured something was up. When they asked about his ID, he lied about having a job interview with the art director.
They tell him to stay put in the hall, but he doesn't. He follows them anyway, right into the art director's office. In the two seconds it takes the director to call security, this dope is already going 100 into his "tell you what, am I the artist for you!" pitch. He is told to never apply for our company, and his name gets shared with all associated dev studios under the publisher's umbrella.
Again, emails go out, security is tightened, and side doors are now exit only. A month later, it happens again. We don't even know the details. The company email didn't specify how yet another random student from this art school managed to actually locate and sit himself down in our art director's office. Even worse, this student entered his office while the art director was out at a meeting.
He just arrived, took a seat, and waited. When the art director returns to his sanctimonious keep, he is startled by an excited "Hello future employer!" Just...What the heck? At this point, the authorities are called. We have had enough of this, and a message needs to be sent. Stop trespassing into our offices, you idiots. The student is escorted out, and is met by two officers at the front door to take a report for yet another case of trespassing.
But as this student is getting questioned and processed, we discover what is happening. It all makes sense. We now know why it is this one particular art school. There was a teacher at that campus that was encouraging students to sneak in and force directors and managers into cold interviews. He explained to them how easy it is to just follow a group of employees in during their break, to just meander the halls aimlessly as long as you "look like you belong."
He was giving them strategies and techniques to blend in, not raise suspicions, and locate who would be best for an interview. As you could imagine, he was probably teaching "They'll be impressed by your initiative. They'll know how much you want the job if you do that." I mean, wouldn't be that far-fetched? I personally have had college teachers (also with backgrounds in art and media) encourage the same thing.
It's funny, because they always sign off with the same assurance: "Besides, the worst thing they can do is say 'no'." Surprise. The worst thing they can do is a misdemeanor trespassing charge and a hefty citation, as well as blacklist you permanently in the industry as a security liability. It's so unfortunate that these students were the ones who were punished.
They're just impressionable kids putting trust in a stupid art teacher. We don't know why this teacher thought this was okay or what decade they think they're living in, but it's unnerving to think that kids are paying so much money to receive bad advice from some delusional lunatic with no idea how the real world works.
Their teacher should have been severely reprimanded for doing this to his students. However, after intercepting a fourth prospective infiltrator in the front walk before getting inside, it was pretty clear this teacher was still employed.
6. Going Up
I had a triumphant moment where I told off some girl for being a jerk, then I swung around and pressed the up button on the elevator. After five seconds of waiting, I realized she was still behind me, so I considered taking the stairs instead. As I walked towards the stairs, the elevator door opened. I went back to the elevator, red-faced and awkward, and had to stand there for another five seconds until the door closed.
We made eye contact. It was weird.
7. Priorities: Straight
I was at a zoo once, and a guy beside me in the crowd asks where the monkeys are because the cage is empty. The guide says they are probably inside the cave or enclosure, and probably getting it on with each other, so they won't be out for some time. The guy’s response made us burst out laughing. The guy asks, “Will they come out if we throw some peanuts?” The guide says, "Would YOU?”
8. Walk the Walk
My eighth-grade graduation. It was my turn to take the stage to get my diploma. I grabbed it with one hand, shook the principal’s hand with the other, and didn't notice the stairs—I walked right off the side of the stage. I wasn't seriously hurt, but it was super embarrassing.
9. Father Doesn’t Know Best
After listening to my father rail against some fake political moral panic, I realized that he was incensed by something that happened on the fictional show he watched the previous night, and not something that happened in reality. I realized then (I was 10 at the time, he was 40) that he couldn't tell the difference between fiction and nonfiction.
He believed that it was unlawful to say or show untrue things on television, ever. In all the years that followed, he never learned better, though once the internet came around, he insisted that that was all fake. So much so that if a news program had the same story both on television and online, the very existence of the online story made the television story untrue, and was violating the law.
In addition to this, I learned that he was functionally illiterate.
10. Independence
I had just told off my ex-boyfriend, who had been trying to tell me I had become too dependent on him and wouldn't be able to leave. "Screw that," I said, "I am independent. And I don't need you for anything!" Then I dramatically turned to get into my car and drive off...but I had locked my keys inside. Oh, but it gets worse.
The car was still running. I felt like a complete idiot. He had to call and pay for a locksmith because I had no cash and the dude didn't take cards. I will never forget that grin on his face. Dumbest moment of my life.
11. Working For The Weekend
Two things immediately come to mind. The first is a young girl who I used to work with at Target. She was hired for the 6 am-2:30 pm shift, but she regularly showed up between 8-9 am without any good explanation. After the third time or so, our supervisor asked her if she had something to do in the morning, such as getting kids ready for school, that required a later shift?
If so, she could be moved to the 8 am-4:30 pm shift. The girl's response was, "No, I still want to leave at 2:30. I just don't want to get up that early." She was fired when she refused to acknowledge that you cannot make your own schedule. The second is one of my roommates. She is a 23-year-old who is quite literally unable to take care of herself in any capacity beyond ordering fast food.
I once heard her yell at her mother because she was filling out a job application and got stuck on a section. Her mom was trying to help her finish but she got frustrated and screamed, "Can't you just fill it out? I want to go play my games." Before you ask, no. There are no disabilities. She's just lazy, spoiled, and incredibly stupid.
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12. The Collage
The first day at my new job was a Friday. I was super pumped. When I got there, I put up pictures in my office, including a huge collage of pictures my girlfriend had made for me. I get lots of compliments over the course of the day while meeting new coworkers cause she's pretty and people were surprised I got the job. Feeling like a million bucks.
Go home for the weekend. My girlfriend breaks up with me. I have to explain the whole next week why I took the photo of my girlfriend down...
13. Guilty As Charged
We had a relatively new hire where I work, a young woman fresh out of college. Because we had been colleagues in another department when she was interning, she often ate lunch with me. She frequently complained about how bad her co-workers were. I didn't know them, but it seemed odd. After about a year, she applied for, and got a different job at the company, but the new job didn't start for two months.
She asked me if I thought she should take a leave of absence until then, because she didn't think she could stand working two more months with her current co-workers. I finally asked what they were doing that was making her so unhappy. When she answered, I wanted to punch her. She complained that they often told their mutual boss that she would come in late, take very long lunches, then leave early.
"Do you do those things?" I asked. "Well, yes, but they don't have to be mean about it," she replied.
14. The No-Doubter
I hit my first ever home run in high school and I knew when I hit it, it was gone. We always practiced what we'd do if we hit a no-doubter, so in the split second I had to show off, I flip the bat. The bat flips end over end, hits home plate, then straight up in my face. I was unconscious for 15 minutes and since I couldn't run the bases, they called me out.
15. Sir, Do You Have Eyes?
I’m a wheelchair user with no feet and no prosthetics, and I will never forget the man who angrily told me to go down the stairs if I didn’t want to wait for the elevator. I had been talking to my friend, and mentioned we were going to be a little late because of the huge line for the elevator. As far as I could tell, the guy wasn’t blind.
He turned around and made direct eye contact with me, which indicated he at least realized I was 3 feet tall at the most, so I was either a little person or in a wheelchair, both of which probably shouldn’t be using the stairs at that time. The stairs were like a stampede of people; it was the central city station in my city at peak hour, and it was busier than usual because of fewer trains at the time. Even if I had my prosthetics, I wouldn’t have been able to safely get down without being pushed over.
By the way, I made the comment to my friend simply to inform her we were late for work. I wasn’t passive aggressively trying to guilt people or anything, and I don’t think I should get to cut in line or whatever. The tone I used was more “Eh, we are running late but what can you do?” Before the guy interrupted, I was about to tell my friend I wouldn’t mind if she went on ahead. Just some context.
As for what the guy was thinking? No clue! There’s a huge wheelchair sports program in that area, so people in wheelchairs are very common, and many are ambulatory wheelchair users—meaning they can walk for a little while, but not very well or for very long. It’s VERY common for those people (and myself if I’m wearing my prosthetics and using my chair) to get hassled for “faking it,” so maybe that’s what he was thinking?
That I was somehow faking? Honestly I have no idea. As I said before, he was looking right at me when he said it. Afterward, he glared at me for a few seconds. I was too surprised to say anything in return, and he seemed to have a moment of realisation, awkwardly turning back around to face the door. My friend and I had a good chuckle over it after he was out of earshot.
16. No Cigar
I was carrying a large tray covered in full cups of hot drinks when I tripped on a tea towel someone had left on the floor. Somehow, I slammed myself sideways into the wall before falling right over and I managed to keep all the drinks upright. I stayed there for a moment, balanced up against the wall, not able to believe my own luck when I slowly began to slide downwards.
Both hands were needed to keep hold of the tray, so I desperately shuffled my feet trying to get some traction, but I got nothing. I hit the floor and sent every drink flying.
17. Get In Loser, We’re Going Shopping
My old boss at the time was a girl of 26 who got four million dollars from her mom a year to play with. Her mom is very wealthy in China, and her daughter is in America trying to be a CEO of a company for funzies. I accidentally got a job at that "company." One day, she told us we were all going on a group outing for bonding.
She took us to an outlet mall four hours away and told the rest of us seven people that she was going to go shop and she'd see us later. That was code for don't follow me, losers. Every two hours, she'd let us know she was going to go unload her bags to the giant van they rented and would group text us telling us we can meet her there to unload as well. We all get paid under 50k, and we have nothing to unload.
By lunch, she had proceeded to fill up the van with stuff. She then asks me where all my new stuff is and I said I’m budgeting right now. She goes "take out a credit card and go shop! That's the American way!" Seriously. Ok. By 9 pm, her bags were taking up people's seats and they had to sit with her stuff. She spent 30k. The rest of us spent about $70.
We were tired and bored and cold. To this day, I still believe she thinks she did something nice for us, and doesn't understand how polarizing and not at all team bonding that was.
18. Walking Out
I broke up with my girlfriend of three years after a long talk in her room. I was sitting in her desk chair in an awkward position while she was sitting on her bed. After the breakup was done, she was bawling. I went to stand up to walk out, and the second I put any pressure on my legs I immediately collapsed. I guess they fell asleep over the lengthy breakup talk.
We both started hysterically laughing. It definitely lightened the uncomfortable mood. Not one of my finest moments.
19. Bossy Pants
I used to work at a software company in downtown Boston. One of the best perks of the job at the time was the flexibility in hours. Many folks had regular work from home days. Myself, I knew I could drop my kids off at school, get into the office by 9:30, and my boss had no issue with it whatsoever. Others with kids had similar arrive late or leave early schedules depending on their childcare.
After a few years, a new CEO comes in, spends a month observing how the office works, then calls for a company-wide meeting. During the meeting, she tells everyone she believes having a full office 8-5 is the most productive environment, and at the start of the next month, all work from home was canceled, and she wanted everyone in the office during those set hours.
No showing up late or leaving early. A lively debate ensued, with discussions of there being very little warning, to pleas of flexibility, to concerns of making necessary childcare arrangements—especially given that in many cases (i.e. schools) we couldn't adjust those times. Plus, commuting into Boston sucks. I’ll never forget the way she reacted.
After listening to all of these arguments, she finally responds with a long speech of appreciating the sacrifices everyone has to make to better the company, everyone doing their part, blah blah blah. She ends it by saying, "I understand where you're all coming from! Years ago when my kids were little, my husband and I had to hire three nannies to cover all of the times we had to work!"
I remember we all looked around at each other, speechless. It was also the moment I realized I would have to start looking for another job as soon as possible. When the millionaire CEO thinks hiring three nannies is a relatable example to her middle-class employees, it's pretty clear she's not going to change her mind.
20. A Son in Need
I got into a nasty fight with my dad when he was talking down to me and coming across like I couldn't make my own life decisions as an adult. So, I managed some comeback and left the house. I go to get in my car and drive away, and the darn thing broke down a quarter mile from our house on a hill. That's when I had to call him to come and help me.
21. If It Ain’t Broke…
My boss told me about a friend of his, who once told him about her "life hack." When he revealed what it was, I nearly spit out my coffee. She would get her bills in the mail, NOT pay them, and then wait a couple of months to pay. Then she would cry so the debt collectors would feel bad and waive the fees for not paying on time. That was her "brilliant life hack."
22. V for Victory
I was running my first marathon and it was grueling. I had my name written on my top, so as I was headed toward the last mile, people were chanting my name, strangers cheering me on, my parents were there...it was euphoric. Until the moment it wasn’t. I crossed the line with tears in my eyes and threw my arms up to yell and cheer.
Instead, I burped/vomited all over myself.
23. Mother Of The Year
I worked for a very sheltered and entitled mother as a nanny. Shortly after I got hired, she called me at 3 am asking me to come in because the baby wouldn’t stop crying. When I said no, she responded with “but you’re the nanny!” And that was a constant thing. At one point, she got sick of breastfeeding and asked if I could start nursing. All of this was very casual too. Like, she wasn’t really mean about it.
24. The Breakup
A few years back I dated a guy who was, to put it simply, a jerk. He was very mean with his humor, had a lot of anger issues and was very critical of everything I did/said. Overall, it was just a very unhappy time in my life. I stayed with him hoping things would change—I'm sure most of us have made that mistake before—and after realizing that it would never happen, I decided to finally break up with him.
So, went over to his apartment and since his roommates were home, we went outside to the parking lot to talk. That's where I explained why I was breaking up with him, and the more I talked, the angrier and more passionate I got. I'd imagined saying these things to him for forever, so the words came out eloquent, natural and powerful.
I could see he was feeling guiltier and guiltier, which is exactly what I wanted. Finally, I finished my speech, gave him a moment to say something, then began to walk away when I realized he wasn't going to. I was trying my best to look good as I walked back to my car, but a dip in the ground caused me to trip and I ultimately face-planted into the concrete.
I ended up spending the next hour crying in his apartment bathroom cleaning up my scrapes.
25. Food For Thought
A student working part time at my laboratory at a university came into my office and asked, “So what can I eat in the refrigerator? I didn’t know I was supposed to bring my own lunch.” I looked at him, stunned, and replied. “Nothing, that food is what people brought for their own lunch, but you can use my GrubHub to order something.”
He DID NOT UNDERSTAND. It took four tries to get him to realize he can’t just eat someone else’s lunch. Same student: I walked into the lab room and told him I made a full pot of coffee in the office and he could help himself. Him: “A pot of coffee? What’s that?” He’d never used a coffee maker other than a Keurig before and didn’t even know it was a thing.
He was fired a month later for stealing chloroform.
26. Cat-like Reflexes
After a lot of beating around the bush, I finally convinced a cute girl to go on a date with me. It was, however, the dead of winter, so when she arrived at my apartment, we mutually agreed to hang out on my couch, watch a little TV and enjoy a couple of beers to insulate ourselves from the onslaught of cold we'd have to endure to go anywhere that wasn't my apartment.
After a couple of beers and a couple of episodes of Scrubs, we decide we're ready to brave the cold, and we make it exactly one step out of my building before we decide that it is entirely too cold for the walk to the restaurant we had originally planned on eating at, so she asks if maybe we could just get a burrito at the shop I managed—which was nice convenient, one block away, and then maybe we could stay in and play video games.
Score. I love this plan. I love this plan so much I want to dump the girl making it so I can marry this plan. We pop our heads into my workplace, get enormous burritos and drinks for a hugely discounted price, and then trudge back to my apartment. As we're on the walkway up to my building, I shift my burrito into my right hand so that I can rummage through my pocket for my keys with my left (I'm left-handed).
As I look up, I see it. My date is about to try to walk over a huge patch of black ice on my sidewalk that can't be seen in the dark of night. On cue, she slips and flings her burrito skyward, but since I was a step ahead of the disaster, I catch her with my right arm—without dropping my burrito or my drink—and gracefully snatch her dinner midflight with my left hand, and then prop her upright. Bingo! Disaster averted!
She's thoroughly impressed with my catlike reflexes and my gentlemanly dedication to the well-being of her person and her dinner. She gushes for a second about how cool that was, I told her I knew the ice patch was coming, and to look out for the second one a few steps ahead—I knew they were both there having had to avoid them in the daylight—and she gingerly bounces over it, turns to give me more praise and then...
I immediately slip and fall on the second ice patch I explicitly warned her about, hurling my drink, and both burritos into the air. She doesn't catch any of them. I hit the back of my head hard enough to bleed, and instead of spending the night eating junk food and playing games with a cute girl, I spend the night on the couch trying not to vomit from disorientation into her lap.
...Yeah, so maybe that didn't turn out so great.
27. Not Cut Out For This
An 18-year-old new recruit in boot camp got a letter from home, and I can see he is agitated. Being 22 and concerned for his well being, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. At this point, I’m thinking a Dear John letter or the mom and dad divorcing letter. I was so, so wrong. He told me that his younger brother got a Mercedes for his birthday and that he was angry because he “only got a BMW.”
I can’t remember what I said, but I knew boot camp was gonna knock his butt in the dirt. (It did).
28. Down and Out
Not so much a moment of triumph; more so snatching adversity from the jaws of defeat. I was cycling home, tried to mount a curb, got the angle slightly wrong and flew artlessly over the handlebars, landing painfully in a crumpled heap in front of a crowd of commuters at a bus stop. Most of them guffawed mightily, though one, one asked if I was OK.
As nonchalantly as I could, I made light of it—happens all the time, it's no problem, I'm fine, and swung myself back in the saddle. Well, my nightmare wasn’t over. Failing to notice that the handlebars had turned 180° and the front wheel was a mess of tangled brake cables, I applied a mighty downward shove on the right pedal and promptly fell off again.
29. Welcome To The Real World
I know someone who has kind of been woken up from their stupor: My dad. He used to be the typical Boomer, always thinking I was just being lazy and not doing things right. Until he got injured, and could no longer work in an industry he had 30+ years of experience and seniority in. It took him several months to get a new job of any kind, and he was shocked when he realized that he couldn’t just negotiate for higher pay.
He was then fired on the spot when he threatened to organize a strike, and was barred from the premises. When he had to move, it baffled him that he couldn’t just give the landlord a few hundred bucks and move in right away, but had to wait a week for his application to go through, and the landlord to do a background check.
Probably my most satisfying one was when he finally decided to get into the industry I’m in, truck driving. He learned very fast that it wasn’t like it is in the movies from the 80s. Truckers don’t now, nor ever have, given a rat’s butt about one another. Sure, some are nice to one another, but if it’s a choice of you or them, don’t hold your breath.
Most big trucking companies in the US do not care about you, or your family, and they’re only concerned about your safety because it saves them money on lawsuits. After his third trucking job ended with him getting terminated, he now lives off my income. He stopped giving me heck about my problems, and is still job hunting.
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30. Cause for Celebration
As a teenager having completed my first solo flight in a glider—I was an air cadet and the first solo is a HUGE achievement—I jumped out of my now safely landed glider, raised both my fists in the air and screamed out in joy. Sadly, in Air Cadets flying operations raising both your hands is a signal that you saw something dangerous. As soon as I did it everyone started screaming, "STOP FLIGHTS, STOP FLIGHTS!"
The tow plane on the ground shut its engine down, all gliders were pushed back to their parking spots and I got yelled at for a while.
31. Time To Go
A first year college student of mine thought that assignment deadlines were “guidelines.” Nothing was handed in on time. She emailed me the night before her final exam to see if I’d take some of her late work. I told her heck no, and she threatened to report me. I let her. She failed, got reprimanded, and was eventually expelled due to plagiarism.
32. The Contest
I have to go back to high school for this. I am, and always have been, quite skinny. One of my buddies was bragging about how many pull-ups he could do. I asked how many, and because it was high school, people were impressed when he said "Eight." That was a high bar for some reason. Anyhow, I replied that I could probably do more, not really knowing how hard it could be.
This was jeered, booed, and generally mocked. Eventually, a contest was set up in the gym. After he cranked out nine pull-ups, I took my turn. It was tough, but being thin really made it pretty easy. I got to 10, and immediately his girlfriend pulled my pants down. The tighty-whiteys I wore that day had a nice, gaping hole, right above the butt.
The nickname "Whiteys" still sticks with me among those people, to this day.
33. You Had One Job
My brother is 26-years-old and has had only one job, and he’s only worked there for like two months. Besides that, our cousin helped him get hired. It was the easiest job in the world; a team of people drilled wells and my brother would come at night and watch the equipment. That’s it. He was just supposed to watch the equipment.
He even had a new RV to sleep in. They let him watch TV, bring his dog, drink, eat whatever he wanted. The only thing he really had to do was be there. Well, one night he wanted to go to dinner with his girlfriend and asked for the day off. His boss told him no because he was the only person they had to stay there at night.
He told his boss to screw off and quit on the spot. To this day, he doesn't work, pay bills, or do anything with his life. He just plays old video games. Sad waste of a life.
34. Sticks and Stones
It was my freshman year of college, and my then-girlfriend and I were at the end of our relationship. Although neither of us had admitted that we actually broke up, which resulted in many nights of hooking up only to regret it the next day. It was really emotionally damaging for both of us. After getting some attention from a cute girl in my English class, I decided that we should finally end this relationship, or else we'd be stuck in a loop of love and hatred forever.
So, after class, I go to her dorm to talk to her. Her roommate is there with her, so instead of asking her roommate to leave, we go talk in the hall. Now at this point, I think I should mention her dorm was on the second floor of the hall. So, we talk for close to an hour, and finally, I tell her that it’s best if we just finally break it off.
We're both in tears, seeing as we were together throughout most of high school, and here we are ending our first real relationship. In that blurry haze, I turn around to make my descent down the stairs, only to misjudge the height of the first step. So, I go tumbling down the stairs, breaking my arm in the process, resulting in the girl I just broke up with having to drive me halfway across town and waiting with me for three hours in the ER.
Somehow that wasn’t the worst part. How? Not a word was said between us the entire time.
35. If Only…
My mom was spontaneously in the city I live in and asked me to meet her for supper. I told her I was on the bus and it would take me 45 minutes to get to her, even though in a car it would be a 15-minute drive. She said, "just tell the bus driver to bring you here now." She has no concept of how public transportation works.
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36. Leaving the Nest
When I left home, I pretty much came and got all of my stuff in the middle of the night. The only thing I had left to get from home was my bed. I came back with a few people and my mom was home. She starts screaming at me per usual and for the first time, I screamed back. I unloaded everything on my mind, and it was so liberating.
As I turned to leave the room I tripped over my feet and fell smack into the wall, face first. So anyway, I know what it is like to have clumsiness derail your victory moment.
37. A Rude Awakening
I worked with a girl in her 20s who had her first-ever official paycheck. She was beaming with excitement as she opened the envelope. Then her smile drops. She says, "Wait...what are these lines?" She had no idea what taxes were. We're taxed to work, to simply live somewhere, to buy things, to sell things, to flush things. Welcome to poverty, young girl in a low-paying career.
38. Dunking Like Jordan
When I was a sophomore in high school, I was playing in a basketball game. I find myself in the right place, at the right time, and steal the ball. Then I experience an amazing adrenaline rush as I charge to the basket uncontested. Finally, I leave the ground, everything goes silent. Engage slow-motion epic life moment.
I soar through the air like something from an old Jordan poster. I commence the most life-fulfilling epic tomahawk-dunk ever imagined by a 15-year old. Real-time re-engages, as does physics. I land uncontrollably, and completely slam into a pack of cheerleaders standing just out of bounds. Four cheerleaders went down. Two cried.
So much for my moment of glory.
39. High Standards
My roommate, who never once paid for rent or groceries or anything, turned down the only job offer they have ever gotten, in front of me, TWICE. They were so desperate they called him twice, offering good pay, and he had the gall to say “no” in front of me. His excuse was "Nah, I'm sure there's something better. $20 an hour is garbage in this city.”
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40. The Competition Swimmer
I used to work at a very popular beach as an ocean lifeguard. So, I got introduced to this job because I was a competitive swimmer in high school, and my coach wanted me to keep swimming for the summer off-season. While I was small and skinny compared to all the other guards there, I was also an extremely fast swimmer and runner, and could out-perform many of the guards on the beach when it came to endurance and speed.
During the first week of the job, the guards learned my name and wanted to see how fast I actually was. So, one morning for workouts, some of the guards told me to race to the buoy a few hundred meters out. In my head, I was thinking—no sweat, I'll just sprint to the buoy and show them all that my speed makes up for my size.
So, to show off my competition swimming prowess, I ran from the beach and dived into the cold ocean water. Except, the beach shore isn't like a swimming pool, and it's shallower than it looks, so I ended up face-planting into the salty, wet sand, in front of all the guards. It was a painful swim too...I had sand cuts all across my face, and the salt didn't help much.
41. Trigger Happy
Mine is a co-worker. He believes that any time his ex does something with their daughter and he doesn't agree with it, he needs to call Child Protective Services. The ex has the daughter sharing a room with the older sister? Time to call CPS. He calls the home late at night and the kid is sleeping and the ex won't wake her up? Time to call CPS.
The Dude has CPS and his caseworker on speed dial, literally. In the meantime, he doesn't understand why both CPS and his caseworker keep telling him that since the child is not neglected and his ex is doing everything the court has told her that she needs to do, there is nothing wrong happening. Dude is still trying to find ways to control the ex and what goes on in her house.
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42. Rubbing it In
My ex was a bartender at my local watering hole. She had recently dumped me for some loser. I wasn't going to stop going to the bar just because she was working, heck, I was a regular before she started working there. Her new boyfriend was always around when she was working, so I decided to bring in my new girl who was much better looking than my ex.
The plan was to have my ex serve us drinks all night knowing it would tick her off. After all, screw her, she started seeing someone else before breaking it off with me. She was obviously agitated all night, until one horrible moment. The moment when my new girl throws up right there on the bar. Not from alcohol, she wasn't a heavy drinker. I attribute it to the questionable pub food.
Nevertheless...we walked out with my head hung low.
43. I Have A Very Specialized Skill Set
In my very middle-class college, there was a girl who had never had a single paying job because her parents wouldn't let her. They wanted her to really focus on her studies so she could get a good job after school. Oh friends, she was studying fine arts bookbinding. What bookbinding job are you getting right out of college, in 2010, with no work experience, that's gonna pay all your bills?
44. Poor Choice of Words
There was this cardio bunny who I bumped into last week, I used to hang around with her brother ages ago, and we were in a line together. We got talking about fitness as I recall she was quite sporty. I mention my gym is bad and she says I should check hers out; she mentions her guest pass. I jump at the chance, both for the gym and a possible hookup.
We go, I do weights and she runs on the treadmill, then the cross trainer, then a few reps on the crunch machine for some reason. She asks what am I doing after this; I say might watch a movie, I've got a pirated copy of Avengers I've been meaning to watch. She says she has always wanted to see that, so I maintain my spaghetti and ask her to come, she accepts.
We go to mine; I crack open my cheapest wine, and soon enough we are watching the movie and talking a bit. She is apparently a bit of a lightweight and the wine goes straight to her head. We eventually get talking about adult stuff. Oh god, just typing this hurts...She mentions her ex refused to do one thing with her. I say something along the lines of "What an idiot."
She goes in for kiss, we kiss for about five seconds. She pulls away, then I, for reasons unknown, need to fill a non-existent void with the worst possible thing I could’ve said: "You know, I could give you the old lick-a-roo."I said it jokey and cheeky but there was no way that didn't sound weird. I may have sort of winked a bit, oh god. She looks at me like I am a shoe sniffer, pulls away and says, "Err, yeah, just going to go to the toilet."
This occurred roughly around when the Hulk is smashing up the plane in the movie. She returns and I put my hand on her knee in an attempt to salvage what I can. We make awkward small talk for what feels like an eternity; man, this is a long film. When the Hulk punches Thor I remove my hand from her knee. Eons pass and the film finally ends.
I walk her to my door and go in for a hug, she effectively pats me on the shoulder. I never saw her again.
45. I’m All Ears
My mom was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that corn could only be harvested by hand. I showed her videos of corn harvesting machines, and she insisted they were all CGI. It grew into a pretty significant argument. Eventually she called my sister, who is a librarian, to ask her. When my sister agreed with me, she said "ok then" and never spoke of it again.
46. Forget Me Not
A couple of years after university, I came back to my home city for a visit. I had been living abroad. I got some old friends together for a reunion, and to my surprise, a girl I crushed on throughout high school and university was there and looking smoking hot. So, all night I go about putting the moves on her and it is working well.
She agrees to take me back to her place. In the cab on the way home, I tell her I had a crush on her for years and did not understand how we had not managed to get together before. She then comes back with: "We hooked up in university after junior year...It was during a Halloween party on the steps inside your fraternity house."
After seeing the look of disbelief on my face the next line was, "You don't remember do you." At this point, it was coming back to me, but alas, the damage was done. I was swiftly booted from the cab. I haven’t seen her since.
47. Doggone It
I worked at a vet clinic, and a woman came in with her dog who had a horrible skin problem stemming from a flea infestation. Before I could even say anything, she claimed someone was after her, and had been stabbing her and her dog in their sleep with tree bark. It took me a few seconds to process that one. She also told me that she knew we hadn’t actually euthanized her old dog (that she had YEARS ago) but that we had sold her to Hollywood.
Apparently she saw her in a commercial and that was her proof. The dog would have been like 20 years old by that point so no, we didn’t “sell her to Hollywood.” Honestly it was kind of sad more than anything because she clearly had mental issues, but she was the only person I have ever directly interacted with who was truly out of touch with reality.
48. Read All About It
I once caught fire late in the fourth quarter against our longtime youth basketball rivals, closing the game out with a twisting layup that eliminated any hopes of a comeback they may have had. As their coach called a timeout to regroup, I danced a mocking jig on my way back to our bench, mimicking a taunt their point guard had aimed at us earlier in the game.
Jigging merrily backward towards our cheering section, a teammate ran out to high-five me but accidentally clipped my heel while I was midair, mid-skip and thoroughly off-balance. I performed a sort of wonky front-flip and landed in an oddly suggestive sprawl as my teammate, carried forward by momentum, tripped over me in turn and joined me on the parquet.
Worse still, the game story ran in the local newspaper with an unfortunate headline image which showed me throwing a successful head-fake, the result of which was a defender mounting my crouched, grimacing self, loins pressed firmly to the back of my head. The story may have mentioned that I was the league's leading scorer that season, but, perhaps unsurprisingly, most of the chatter at school the next day centered on my front-page tea bagging.
49. Aim High
I work with a girl. She's 21, bit of a stoner, and living with her boyfriend who works at Pizza Hut. We also work in food service. She thinks she wants to marry him, but he HAS to spend at least $10k on a ring. And when she gets married, she wants one room in her house that is all pink, so she can get ready and put her makeup on.
Then she's going to sit around the house all day in a pink fur-lined housecoat. Then when her man comes home they "can do their thing." I have many, many more stories about her that would make you scratch your head. And for what it’s worth, ambition is important. However, she’s 21, has no college goals, says her dream job is to be a "video vixen," and she makes $9 an hour right now. So yeah, this means she has no sense of reality.
50. The Speed Walker
I was on my way to a major job interview at a big media company and I was super nervous. As I got out of the car, I tried to psych myself up so I would exude confidence. I walked toward the building and reminded myself to stand up straight, walk tall, smile and look smart. I was almost late, so I walked a bit faster.
In the process of being straight and tall and fast, the heel of one shoe got caught in a sidewalk crack and I went down, hitting the pavement hard. I scraped the heck out of my hands and my wrist hurt terribly, but my suit wasn't torn so I continued on. When i entered the building, I ducked into the restroom before the interview to pick the gravel out of my palms.
I had to shake hands with six different people and it stung like crazy each time, but I just tried to smile and stay confident. The next day, I had to go to the doc and get x-rays and a brace for my slightly fractured wrist. I did get the job though.
51. Face The Music
The pastor of a small town church insisted that members set up the parish hall and provide food and beverages for a full 125 people after every Sunday service, even though the average attendance was only around 20 people. Week after week, month after month, so much food would be disposed of and large urns of coffee dumped down the sink—and all because the pastor was in denial about the reality of weekly attendance.
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52. Comeuppance Received
We had this one friend, "Mary-Ann", that would just be a general jerk to everyone for no reason. You know the type—insecure, domineering, sports champ, no tact or inhibitions whatsoever. She would choose a different girl to pick on every week, and this week it was my friend "Haz." Mary-Ann was going on about how Haz would probably never get a boyfriend until she lost weight and grew her hair and got "less ugly"—you know, really constructive, friendly advice.
Haz lost it, which was brilliant. We all wanted to see Mary-Ann get her comeuppance. Haz stood up and just let rip about how she was a spoiled little brat and she couldn't just say whatever she wanted and none of us like her anyway, so just screw off, Mary Ann!! Haz, red in the face, swiped her bag off the table and went to march out, promptly tripping on a chair and falling flat on her face.
There was a horrible slapping sound as skin hit hardwood. She was literally sprawled out in front of about 70 kids, who naturally erupted into laughter, Mary-Ann included. To her credit, she managed a weak chuckle; she knew she had to laugh at herself. I got up, grabbed her and pulled her out by her arm, and then spent the next hour consoling her in the girls' room.
We are still best friends and she is newly engaged; happy ending.
53. In Denial
These were the parents of a 35-year-old woman who was hospitalized after suffering severe anoxic brain damage 20 years previously. She had been in the same ward since, barely conscious. They refused to get her transferred to a more suitable facility for 20 years, saying that there's no reason to do so. To them, those facilities are for "lost causes," and their daughter is going to make a full recovery, finish school, get married, and be totally fine.
Working in hospitals got me quite a collection of these stories, but this one I thought was one of the saddest ones.
54. Caught on Tape
At a track meet in high school, I cleared my highest pole vault ever in a state meet, then jumped up and down happy to have achieved it. My teammate tapped me on the shoulder to point out that my willy was flopping out of my shorts. All caught on tape.
55. Blank Check
My cousin was spoiled and sheltered her entire childhood through college. Then her parents stupidly cut the leash without any preparation and released her into society. It went downhill so fast. She quickly got in trouble for bouncing checks all over town, so my mom picked her up and asked why the heck was writing bad checks everywhere.
Turns out, my cousin was under the impression that as long as you had checks in your checkbook, you had money in your account. She didn’t understand that you deposit in a number and then can spend or withdraw up to that amount. Please teach your kids basic finance. This was in like 1996, so people wrote checks all the time.
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56. Dominoes
Being a nerdy and shy kid in high school, I was never in the “popular” crowd or classified as one of the pretty girls. The school was having a charity fashion show, hosted by a locally based amateur modeling agency. I was approached and asked to be a catwalk model. I eagerly said yes. The night of the show came, I worked that catwalk like a pro, until the final outfit.
All 12 of us wore the same top and jeans, and walked around in a line. I was right at the back. I tripped and fell onto the girl in front of me, who fell onto the girl in front of her, and so on, like dominoes. When I stood up, I got a round of applause, and all the other girls just sat and laughed at me. I was so embarrassed.
I did take a bow though.
57. Give Me Some Space
I work with a girl who is a flat Earther and on top of that, she denied the existence of space. When the topic came up and I disagreed, she asked if I had ever been there...obviously I haven't. I told her I have also never been to Japan and that does not mean it doesn't exist. She complained to management about my intolerance of her beliefs.
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58. Passing the Test
I had just passed my driving test, and I excitedly went straight out to the car to tear down my learner plates. Then I managed to stall the car three times pulling out of the test center parking lot. During this painful procedure, a woman in the car opposite me just watched and laughed. Eventually, I managed to traverse my way out and sped off down the road blushing horrendously in the process.
59. Doing It For Themselves
“My parents paid for half the down payment on my house. They pay for our landscaper, housecleaner, child day care, car insurance, and give my wife and I a monthly allowance. We’re completely self sufficient human beings who even try and give other friends financial advice...” Obviously written in the voice of someone I know.
60. Jumping the Fire
Last summer, I ran a five-kilometer (roughly three-mile) obstacle course called the Spartan Race. It was held at a ski resort in the summer, at the end of June. I'd signed up for this race as a stepping stone in my weight loss journey and trained really hard for it, so I was really glad to be running that day.
The very last obstacle was a fire pit you had to leap over before you could get to the finish line. I psyched myself up, ran forward, leaped in the air... and somehow twisted my ankle when I pushed off the ground. I managed to land awkwardly and hobble/stumbled my way to the finish line in tears. There was a sports photography company there that day, snapping photos of everyone on the course.
You could look up your "jumping the fire" photo using your bib number on their website. Mine wasn't there... probably because of the agony on my face.
61. Wouldn’t It be Nice
My sister-in-law. Her boyfriend kicked her out, so she comes to stay with us for a few days. We suggest looking for a cheap house to rent near us. She says she won’t live in the scummy part of town near us, and instead she’d like a three-bedroom house with a garden in the best part of town. She has no savings and isn’t sure if she has a job.
When I suggested maybe she couldn’t afford £500k on a family home on her salary, she suggested she’d “just get a council house.” Disregarding the huge waiting list and the fact that most council properties are in the ghetto parts of town! This is just the crust of a deep layer of the unhinged fantasy world that she lives in.
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62. Growing Pains
I was 16 years old, and walking through the mall looking cool. I had some kind of drink with a straw and was leaving to go outside when a group of girls my age walks in through the mall entrance. They look at me as I casually bring my drink up for a sip. That was the moment when the straw stabbed me in the eye.
But it gets worse. I keep walking to get outside and push on what I thought was the door, but was instead the window beside the door and walk right into it, crushing my drink into my chest and getting soaked. I heard some laughter and left; never turning back.
63. The Garden Of Eden
My parents' neighbor thought that her garden was too small for her sons to play in. So when she met my parents for the first time, the first thing she actually said was, "Can you give me some of your garden so my sons have more space to play in?" Thankfully, my parents just said no. For context, they live in a very expensive neighborhood where houses cost about a million.
The gardens in that neighborhood are a lot bigger on average than the majority of gardens in the UK. I've never heard a story of somebody being as painfully out of touch as that woman.
64. The Rink Wink
I was at a skating rink at a party on Halloween. I skated past a pretty lady who was sitting at a table and I tapped her shoulder as a cruised past. Then, I turned my head as I was 10 feet past and gave her a wink. She smiled and winked back, and I promptly faceplanted and got a bloody nose—having to skate back near her table to get to the restroom and clean up.
65. A Whole Lot Of Nonsense
My stepbrother. He got into a weird Gnostic religious group and thought he could convert people by talking to them (harassing them) Socrates-style, except without any ability to carry out a philosophical conversation. He also assumed the workplace is a fine place to do this. When he'd get fired from his temp jobs, he'd say it was a conspiracy against enlightenment.
This is more funny than deluded, but as a side note, one of the group activities is to have to rewrite their religious book by hand, which he diligently did—and it wasn't a small book either. Turned out, though, he used the wrong color ink, which for some reason invalidated the whole thing.
Anyway, so one day he got a job in a restaurant as a waiter. He assumed for whatever unimaginable reason that the proper way to act for waiters is to bow after taking the order. When his supervisor asked him to stop, he lectured the supervisor on proper wait staff manners. He also wanted to propose to a 50+-year-old woman who has shown no signs of being interested in him. Luckily, he believed in the tradition to first ask a father’s permission, so he asked his dad who talked him out of it.
He also had an idea to join the army and then convert them from the inside. At one point, he even believed that the sun’s rays alone can sustain you but luckily never really bothered to practice it.
66. Bad Chemistry
It was the end of the semester and we were cleaning out our drawers in our chemistry lab. We had all of our glass pieces out to be inventoried; we would have to pay for anything missing. The girl across the lab table from me had been a total jerk all semester. I discovered I was missing a piece and it just so happened that the piece was in her collection, very near to my collection. She'd slid it over into her stuff, obviously.
I suck at confrontation, but I'd had it with her and let out all my anger and called her a thief. She denied it of course, but I didn't back down and finally, she just gave it to me and let me win the argument. HA! Then I discovered my piece in the back of my drawer... I took a deep breath, apologized, and gave her piece back.
Of course, she wasn't gracious, but she didn't have to be. I was wrong. I stood up for myself, won a heated argument, and discovered I was the jerk.
67. Short Fuse
I worked on shifts with a guy for years who thought every single person was out to get him. I’ve never met anyone who had such a warped sense of reality. He would joke with someone, then go away for the weekend and stew on one particular thing, then come in on Monday absolutely raging over taking something the complete wrong way.
I’ve seen him attack two people and heard about a third. Thing is, he’s so dopey that everyone thinks he’s harmless and “that’s just the way he is.” A guy I trained as an apprentice has just started on shifts with him and doesn’t take anyone being a jerk well at all. I think they’ll do well together.
68. The Finish Line
I discovered that I could run in my second last year of high school, after being athletically embarrassing my entire life. Like, really run. Faster than anyone in my class. It was a dream come true. At my school athletics tournament, I came first in every race. So, I qualified to run in our regional tournament. Again, I was over the moon.
Fast forward to the regional tournament 200m sprint. I'm at my starting line pumping more adrenaline than should be humanly possible. My classmates are cheering my name from the stand. I can barely breathe. BANG. I'm off. I feel that I'm doing well and I had that sensation you get when you literally cannot throw your legs any faster.
Then I round the bend and watch my competitors fade from my peripheral vision. I'm on the straight now. My heart is pounding. There isn't a competitor to my left or right. I'm coming first! I was the fastest in the region! I decided not to take any chances and dropped my head, staying focused on remaining in my lane and waiting for my finishing line. That line that would bring me so much popularity and fulfillment.
There it was. I threw myself across the finish line and walked onwards in exhaustion, but pride at my success. Then an event organizer walks up to me and hands me my banner. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Third?! How could I come THIRD?! I look behind me. Oh yeah. I had stopped at the wrong line...and then walked across the finish line. Which would explain the gasps of shock from my classmates.
Next year I was back to my slowpoke ways and I never had a chance to redeem myself.
69. Problem Solved
I went to a private international school in London as a teenager, and most kids there had parents working decent jobs, but in between them were some filthy rich kids with parents in the oil industry or something similar. In 8th grade, we were talking about our Easter break and my friend from Belgium was talking about how his family had decided last minute to go there over the break, but had decided to drive there because there were no flights available.
Then this Russian billionaire classmate of mine asked him, "Why don’t you just take a private jet?" She was so clueless when we started laughing.
70. Food Fight
In high school, I sat at a table with my friends from theater arts which happened to be next to a table full of jocks who loved to throw things at us. Usually, we ignored it, but one day they threw a carton of milk that hit my friend in the head. She started to tear up, so without thinking, I flung my entire tray of food like a frisbee and it smacked the guy right in the face with such force that even I couldn't believe it.
As my table rejoiced and I felt pretty good about standing up for my friend, one of the guys from the table told on me and I was taken to the principal’s office as the jocks laughed and made fun of me. And people think the geeks are usually the snitches...
71. In Over Her Head
My “friend” took my card information and bought loads of expensive stuff. I asked her if it was her before reporting it, knowing that a) she was going through a tough time and I wanted to give her a chance to make it right and b) that I could be in trouble for conspiracy if I reported it and they believed I'd got stuff delivered to my friend to claim fraud for the money back.
She said no, so I thought someone else had done it so I reported it. When she got detained, she said she didn't think “they'd take it so far.” Seriously. She thought you could just call up banks to get the money back and they wouldn't investigate.
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72. Seeing Stars
This happened when I had just started ninth grade and was crippingly shy. A new school meant new faces, but also new opportunities to change how people saw me. A few weeks into classes, we got a new student in my algebra class. She was an adorable girl, with long dark hair, a slight Southern accent, and gave off a sense of shyness/humility.
The first day she came in she was pretty quiet and didn't seem terribly comfortable after being introduced to the class. I knew how awkward I would be if I were in her position, so I decided to man up and change my hermit-like ways. After class, I caught up to her and tried to put on the impression of the smoothest, sweetest, guy that you can imagine.
I asked which class she was going next and she said she didn't know. I looked at her schedule, lied, and said it was right by my next one just so I could make a good impression and help her out. She smiled and thanked me, and right then I realized I hadn't even introduced myself. I reached out my hand and said, "By the way, by name is—" That’s when it happened.
Right as she shook my hand I walked straight into a wooden post. I saw stars for a second, but luckily, I didn't fall over. From that point, the impression was gone. I tried to keep speaking smoothly, but I kept stuttering out of embarrassment/anxiety, and shuffled the rest of the way to her next class. So, there you go.
Fortunately, it wasn't all for nothing. We became friends, developed crushes on each other, and stayed in contact. We never dated, but it was alright.
73. Apocalypse Now
I was a stable hand of a very upper-tier barn in a wealthy part of the country. The staff has to sign non-disclosure agreements to protect clients. On one particularly scorching July day, I overheard a client venting to another about how she was "incredibly stressed" and "going to have a mental breakdown" because her first choice catering company was all booked up for the weekend of her last minute yacht party.
I'm paycheck-to-paycheck and had probably a total of three days off since Christmas. I would love for a yacht party to be my basis for a mental breakdown. Needless to say, the staff had a healthy chuckle at that one.
74. The High-Five
I played as a pitcher on an all-girls softball team. We had just won the last playoff game. I caught the ball that was hit by the other team's pitcher! They made us line up and walk across home plate as the head coach (my dad) handed us out our championship trophies. I decided to jump up, give my dad a high-five, and grab my trophy.
Instead, I fell on my butt in front of everyone. The worst part? The popular kid from my junior high was announcing our names on the PA system, and before he even called my name he started to laugh. I almost died.
75. Read The Room, Dude
Alright, so this is a story of the first hearing I had ever been to as a lawyer. My adversary was represented by an established solo attorney from a different state. We will call the attorney Dude. I had spoken to him a few times over the phone before and considered him a competent and a passionate advocate. So I meet Dude at the courthouse with a co-counsel (I am a woman and so is she) to basically chat while waiting for a trial call.
First thing Dude says is "hi." Second thing: "I gotta show you a picture of my wife." ....Okay? Now, Dude is in his early 60s, small and bald. He takes out his phone and shows us a photo of this little girl who he assures us is 20 but looks all of 15. He tells us she's from Dominica. As we stare at him, he relates to us a hilarious anecdote about going to the mall and her begging him to buy her stuff while calling him daddy.
You see, Dude thought we would be impressed. We were not impressed.
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76. The Thing
In my early 20s, I went on a date with a HOT guy who had been a year behind me in school. We met for lunch on a workday. I was charming, hilarious, having a good hair day, etc. We part ways and I'm patting myself on the back for how I rocked that one. I took a look at myself in the rear-view mirror before driving away—you know, to give myself a congratulatory wink—when I make a horrifying discovery.
I see I have the biggest, greenest THING in my teeth known to mankind. Sigh. I never heard from him again. He probably sucked though...
77. Coming Out Of Their Shell
This is my time to shine. So I grew up with a lot of restrictions. For example, I was only allowed two options of shoes, but the catch was that I needed to make the right choice. Or that I could only make friends with certain people—the ones my father approved of. Sadly, my dad kept me in a small box and he was the only one allowed to control what would go into that box or come out of it.
So when I was 10, CPS got involved and I was taken into foster care. That’s when my world exploded. I didn’t know how truly bad it was at home, in the only reality I knew, until they took me to a shoe store and told me to pick out ones that I liked. I swear for the life of me, I had no clue what to do. I stood there for what felt like hours until they noticed and asked what my favorite color was.
I said “green” because that was what my father told me I liked. But I guess I was too overwhelmed and I just remember saying “yes” to everything and ended up with ugly brown and pink sneakers. What children learn to do at their normal age is what I am just figuring it out in my 20s.
78. Blood and Fury
I had found out my girlfriend of two years had been cheating on me with a friend. So, I decided that that was that, and drove over to her house to collect my things and tell her what I thought of her. After getting the few things I had there, I started telling her off, and all of the sudden blood started pouring from my nose.
At first, I thought I was having a brain hemorrhage because of the anger, but it turned out to be from the dry December air. So, I drove home, furious and bloody, and completely embarrassed.
79. Expensive Tastes
I live in a part of the country with some of the lowest cost of living. I was barely making it financially and after paying my bills, car insurance, etc., I had $125 to eat and buy gas for the rest of the month. I live in a rural area where public transportation isn't a thing. One night, I'm at my sister's house and she's telling me I need to go ahead and move because, "It's just not possible to raise a family around here on $90,000 a year."
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80. The Exit
I worked in a call center as a floor manager. One of the agents on a different team was always complaining and plainly hated her job. She was a terrible employee who was always late but wouldn't quit because she wanted to be able to collect her unemployment. I was outside on a 10-minute cigarette break when I saw the woman come storming out of the front doors.
She had a look of triumph on her face, so I asked her if she finally got fired. She replied with a loud yes and turned around, faced the doors, flipped the bird and yelled screw you at the top of her lungs to the building. Upon turning around, she walked right into the flag pole, busting her nose and bleeding all over the place.
Most people watched in horror as she gushed blood. I stood there and laughed...
81. Not Doing Him A Favor
I was the person who failed at life. I was 18 and living in my first apartment, and I spent 15 minutes looking for a “button” on the trash shoot. Didn’t realize until the third time that I just needed to throw the trash down. I had lived with my parents until then, and they failed to teach me a lot of basic life necessities. Love them, but man was I stupid.
82. Stuck the Landing
I was cycling home after a long bike ride. I was going about 30 miles an hour and was coming to my driveway which then had a large pothole at one point at the base. As luck would have it, I pulled into my driveway still going about 25 miles per hour. I flew into the air and about two seconds later, I landed with my front wheel in a flower bed and my other wheel on the other side of the fence and back near the road.
My bike is in one piece, I'm in one piece, and my friend is freaking out about how cool it was. I jump off laughing; saying I would do it again if I could, and begin to pull my bike out. Unfortunately, I neglected to notice the back wheel was starting to enter the road. About 15 seconds later, a car comes around and at the last second, I notice and jump out of the way—but my poor bike. She didn’t make it.
83. The Cost Of Stupidity
My cousin is 47, and a couple years ago a relative passed and left him 10k. He'd always lived with my grandma and had a structured settlement of $400 a month from an accident he was in as a teenager. Into heavy substances, never employed, bumming around living like a kid with an allowance. He told me that he wanted to get a car, an apartment, and then wanted my advice on how to invest the rest of the 10k.....c'mon man.
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84. What Goes Up
I was in fifth grade, and the school I went to was across the street from a golf course, so golf balls would end up on the playground. Teachers would try to collect all of them so students wouldn't hurt each other with them. I was standing with friends at the baseball diamond when a couple of bullies walked by and said something smart.
I forget what it was and what I replied with, but I had an amazing comeback and they started to walk away. As a show of victory, I tossed one of the golf balls I had found up in the air and yelled, "See ya!" As they turned around to glare at us, the golf ball came down and hit me in the head.
85. For Your Eyes Only
One year for Christmas, I custom-made a board game for my girlfriend where the theme was about her going on as many holidays as possible. The entire thing was full of references to her friends and family with a bunch of in-jokes. Several people said I should try to mass produce and sell it. I’m like, who the heck do you think is gonna buy a game themed about some random person they’ve never heard of?
86. The Compliment
I was once riding my bike down the road, during rush hour traffic. I hopped up on the sidewalk until I could turn on a side street because the traffic was so crazy. There was a really hot guy walking toward me on the sidewalk. He stepped off into the grass while complimenting the tattoo on my chest. I beamed, said thanks, and rode on—only to wipe out five seconds later because some construction debris got caught in my front wheel.
It was the worst case of road rash I've ever had. I picked up my bike, bleeding all down my left side, and limped into a dark alley to cry myself to sleep.
87. What He Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him
My son was three days away from when his credit card bill was due and needed to borrow money, which was fine. He expressed his relief that I gave him the loan, saying, "I was afraid they'd cut off the card and not let me buy groceries this week if I didn't pay the balance." In other words, he's never let the balance roll over, just as I taught him, but he has no clue that he can actually let the balance roll over or pay a portion of the bill, and he'll be charged the rate plus a fee.
I think I'm not going to tell him about that part...
88. The Crush
I'd had a crush on my friend for a while. She was pretty, sweet, funny, etc. Anyway, I finally got up the nerve to ask her out. We went to the movies, laughed our butts off and ended up back at her place as I was dropping her off. I leaned in and kissed her. After pulling away, she bit her lip then said, "Maybe we should go out again sometime."
I nodded, agreeing that it was a great idea. Then I turned to walk away, trying to look cute and not like I was freaking out because of the awesomeness inside, playing it cool. Well, I wasn’t really paying attention. What a mistake. I walked right into my car. Caused a pretty bad nose bleed and had to get brought back into her place with blood all over me.
Not my best moment, but the relationship lasted three years!
89. I Know My Worth
My dad retired last November. After being out of work for a few months, he decided he needed a simple job to keep him busy. He applied to a corner store as a cashier and asked for $20 an hour because that’s what he thought minimum wage was up to.
90. Hold Your Tongue
I'm part of a classical sword combat and historical reenactment club at my school. One day during a one-on-one spar between a friend and I, which went on for quite some time, I had my blade wrenched from my hands thrown off the edge of a balcony. This doesn't count as a defeat until I surrender or he makes contact, so I reached up with the intent of disarming him with a hold on his sword-arm, but he dodged and instead my hand went straight into his mouth and I grabbed his tongue.
I won the fight, but it was really awkward.
91. Epic Landing
Years ago, I was going with a friend of mine to pick up his small fishing boat that had been in for repairs. We were on an island in northern Washington, and the boat was on another island. At the time I worked for a local air tour company and asked our pilot if it would be possible to hitch a ride on an aircraft of some kind, which would cut the two-hour trip down to about ten minutes.
He not only volunteered but offered to just drop us off at the beach next to the marina. Sweet. So, we come in low over the water, do a quick orbit of the marina, and touch down on the beach just long enough for my friend and I to jump out. It was pretty much a pure epic moment, witnessed by everyone on the docks.
We then proceeded to maneuver our way over to his boat and take off, with the transmission completely self-destructing less than a hundred yards from the dock. We had to return to the marina with the engine at idle and in reverse, and spend the next three hours working on it. Eventually, we gave up, hitchhiked to the ferry landing, and went home.
92. Silver Screen Dreams
There was this woman I knew a few years ago. She had a job, but she was convinced she was supposed to be a movie star. She never did any acting, though. She also told me about the married man that she had slept with: “He loves me, but he can’t leave his wife...” She actually did stop sleeping with him, but they still hung out.
93. There’s Something About Mari
I lived with some Japanese exchange students during my final summer of college. They were really nice girls, but one of them, Mari, who was about 19 years old, obviously had no idea how anything worked. She spoke the best English and I was tutoring some of the other girls, while they helped me with my Japanese. But that was where her abilities ended.
Mari would constantly call me to come to get her because she thought we had free buses—all the buses. After all, we were students. That wasn't the issue; I could deal with that. It was a whole new culture and she was learning. But what happened that made me realize Mari could not be left on her own was when she ended up in Arizona.
This was 400 miles and 5 hours from where we were. She had been talking to some guy on campus, he said he was visiting family in Arizona, and she said, "I want to go." He just took her with him, and she went without even telling us. She had just assumed the guy would take her back, but he said he couldn't because he was staying in Arizona.
So I had to arrange a ticket, get her on the bus via the phone, and then pick her up two hours away because she missed her second bus by napping.
94. In Absentia
I work as a psychologist at a school. One student had missed nearly 30 days of school in one term (55 days), so I was asked to investigate. The mother straight-faced told me that she didn't want to drive the two minutes from their house because they had to cross a train track, and she thought having to wait for a train to pass was simply unacceptable.
I thought she was joking. She was not.
95. Robsten, Is That You?
I had a friend who insisted she was in a relationship with a C-list celebrity whom she met once during a comic convention. All the celebrity’s Instagram and twitter posts were for her and everything had a meaning behind it. When the celebrity got married, she said that it was just for the media so she and the celebrity could live a quiet life.
When he didn’t do anything for her birthday, she had a breakdown. She went to therapy not long after.
96. Put It In Writing
The other day, my 18-year-old brother-in-law got married to his high school sweetheart in a parking garage so that they can live off campus at their Christian college together. The girlfriend's, now wife’s, mother is an ordained minister. His parents, my in-laws, were very upset and he couldn't understand why because, "it's just a fake marriage for school."
Oh no, sweet boy. You are MARRIED. I just laughed and laughed. I love him dearly. He is an idiot.
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97. Redlight
We had a terrible coworker. He was fired after being written up for being tardy three times in 30 days. I was out with the boss in the parking lot on lunch while HR went through the termination process with him. When he walked out, he saw us standing there, jumped into his convertible, pulled up to where we stood, flipped off the boss screaming some choice words, then floored it toward the exit of the lot.
The exit was only about 10 feet away and was blocked by traffic waiting on a red light. So, we stood there and laughed at him for a good 30 seconds while he waited for the light to change and traffic to get out of the way. He didn't say anything. He must have been so mad and embarrassed.
98. Long Time No See
My ex had moved back into our small town after breaking up with her new boyfriend (my ex-roommate). I never avoided her, but I was lucky enough to not lay eyes on her for over a year when I heard she was moving again. That day, as she was walking to her car for the last time to pull out of town, we locked eyes as I came out of a coffee shop.
Holding her gaze, I take one step towards her, inexplicably failing to notice the signboard on the sidewalk, right in front of me. Coffee flies. I fly. From my newly acquired position of moral authority—half on the sidewalk, half in the gutter—I firmly, calmly, say, “Hello. Heard you were in town.” She replies, “You're lying in dog poo” and rides off into the sunset.
99. Drive-thru Drive-by
I worked at McDonald's when I was in high school and finally got a better job, with better hours, closer to home after a couple of years there. When I quit, I was annoyed to learn that they wanted my greasy threadbare uniform polo and pants back after I was done. See, I didn't want them, but it seemed cheap and sort of insulting—they were just going to throw them away, same as I would, but they were going to require an extra trip back there for me to do it? No, I don't think so. Screw them.
Keep in mind I was 16 at the time, and apply "I'm such a rebellious free thinker" teenage arrogance to the situation. What happened next makes more sense that way. So, on my last day, I went out to my car, stripped down to my boxers, went through the drive-thru, and threw my wadded-up uniform at the woman working the window.
That's when told her to give them to the owner. The look on her face was priceless. I drove off, music blaring, feeling ridiculously happy and proud of what I had just done, and happened to run into a friend of mine who was also cruising around. I explained why I wasn't wearing a shirt or pants, he laughed and said we should go get something to eat.
Sure, no problem, I'll just change into the clothes I brought, grab my wallet, and...Ah, crud. That’s right. My wallet was still in the pocket of the pants I'd thrown in the drive-thru window. I had to slink back in, sheepishly ask someone to search through the trash for me to find my pants and find my wallet. They did.
I didn't go back to that McDonald's for years.
100. That’s On You
I film and edit promotional videos, then post them on my company’s YouTube channel. The day after I uploaded a particular run-of-the-mill video, my manager called me into his office because one of our directors, who hates our department and loves undermining me in particular, sent an email to my manager and a few higher-ups. That's when it got cringey.
In the email, he stated that I had messed up the promo video, because there were “all of these other disgusting videos attached to it.” As proof, he included a screenshot of the end of the video, where all of the recommended videos appeared to star scantily-clad Asian women in suggestive poses. Neither he nor my manager knew how YouTube algorithms worked.
He didn’t realize that the videos were suggested because he, or someone on his account, viewed that kind of content before. I have no idea how my manager explained this to him.
101. Got A Tell
I became a dad at 18 but broke up with my son’s mom two years later. Despite our problems, I stayed engaged in my son’s life. When he turned five, she went in for a hysterectomy. Then the day after the surgery, her mom called me asking me to go to the hospital. Apparently, she was “in a mood” and wouldn’t talk to anybody.
She thought that I could get her to talk, so I visited later that day. She just stared at me while I talked. After 20 minutes, I decided to give up and went for a hug. I noticed she was clenching her fist. At the time, I thought nothing of it and left. At home, I thought about how one-half of the brain controls speech. And that's when I had a terrifying revelation.
I remembered her clenched fist and did some research online. I looked up strokes and quickly figured that was what was happening to her. I called the nurse at the hospital to tell her my realization and got to sleep thinking I’d done a good deed. Except in the morning, her mom called saying she was getting transferred.
Apparently, due to her history of depression, doctors assumed she was acting out. I talked to my boss and asked for a day off to go to the hospital. When I got there, everyone ignored me since I “wasn’t a family member,” so I sat with her for a little. Eventually, a doctor came to sign off on the final transport orders.
I was upset. When he asked me why I was crying, I told him that she’d obviously had a stroke, but no one could see it. He told me to leave the room, and two minutes later came out confirming that she did have a stroke.
102. Minors Must Be Accompanied
I was halfway through a counseling session with a couple with a four-month-old baby. I asked about the baby, and the mom said, “She’s in bed at home.” I said, “Ah, grandparents babysitting?” The dad went, “No, she is at home alone. Nothing can happen to her. We bought a special mattress. One where she can’t suffocate.”
At this point, my jaw was on the floor, and I was just staring at them for a couple of seconds. Then I asked how long it took them to get here. They told me about 15 minutes, so I said, “Alright, the session’s over. I want you guys to go home immediately and call me when you arrive. Please hurry. And never ever leave your baby alone!”
103. Adopting A New Attitude
My parents recently confided in me and told me that my sister is adopted. They have never told her about this, and they apparently plan on keeping it a secret from her forever. They are worried about how she would react to being told, and how the knowledge would affect her relationship with them. She's currently 34 years old. I have no idea what to do with this information.
Sources: Reddit,,, ,
