Wild Anesthesia Stories
Sometimes, the best and worst part of getting surgery is being put under. A single dose of gas can help people relax…or make them act crazy. These embarrassed people share some of the wildest things that were said and done while under anesthesia. Thank goodness for doctor-patient confidentiality!
1. The Grabbing Hands
I had an ovarian cyst removed a year ago and I woke up from the anesthesia saying, “Hand please” while making grabbing motions with both my hands. I did this until the nurses finally came over and held my hands for about five minutes while I fell back asleep. I hadn’t done that in a decade, and the nurses were confused—until I revealed the heartwarming truth. I used to do it to my dad all the time as a kid to express that I wanted to hold his hand while I slept.
2. Coming Out Fighting
My brother and sister were getting their tonsils out on the same day. My brother was in elementary school, and my sister was in high school. My brother went first and came out of recovery on his back. My brother had never slept on his back before, so it was odd enough that my mother commented on it. They told my mom that they never let a patient come out of anesthesia on their stomach because if they have medical issues, it would be hard to help them right away.
It made sense. Then, my sister came out of surgery on her stomach. My mom said, “I thought they weren’t allowed to be on their stomachs.” Their explanation had us on the floor laughing. “We tried to put her on her back but she refused and she decked the anesthesiologist, so we let her be.”
3. Bot Babbler
My boyfriend at the time had just gotten his wisdom teeth removed. On the ride home, with his mouth full of gauze, he got a call on his cell phone. He answered it and just started talking away. Whoever was on the other side could not have possibly understood a word he was saying with all the gauze in his mouth. However, he had a lot to talk about, and they apparently didn’t hang up.
After about five minutes of this unintelligible phone conversation, he looked at me and said, “Ooo ith a robot”, and gave me the phone. I put it to my ear and I couldn’t help but smile. The whole time it was the Walgreens pharmacy automated notice simply stating his prescription was ready for pickup, playing on repeat.
4. Get A Taste Of Deez Nuts
I’m an anesthesiologist. The best story was about a 40-some-year-old woman who was in for an appendectomy. While I was giving the propofol to induce anesthesia, she said, “Oh, I don’t remember it tasting like that before.” Since propofol doesn’t usually elicit a taste reaction, I asked, “What does it taste like?” Her response threw me for a loop. “DEEZ NUTS” she yelled, before she was promptly knocked out. This one has the entire OR staff rolling laughing for minutes after she was under.
5. That’s What She Said
My aunt got rushed to the hospital for an abnormal heart rate, but it wasn’t a heart attack or stroke. Rather, her heart was going at like 200 beats per minute, or whatever it was. They had to put her under so they could shock her heart back to normal. As they were taking her under, the doctor said something like, “Okay, in it goes.” No one expected the next words she would blurt out. She immediately quipped, “That’s what she said”.
All the doctors and nurses busted a gut laughing and told my uncle when he got there. He just shrugged and said, “That’s my wife for ya”.
One summer, I was home from college, and my dad needed me to pick him up after his very first colonoscopy. He was nervous, so I got there early. The nurse called me back and asked me to help wake him up, as they were having some trouble. I went back and made some chit-chat. I said, “Oh, Dad, you’ve got those cool booties on”!
He raised his head a little bit to look at them, then put a silly face on. That’s when I knew the punchline was coming. “Booty call!” he yelled out. He is a Presbyterian pastor. It was a moment I will treasure forever.
7. Picture Perfect
I was a male biology student in his early 20s with a stuck kidney stone, who was being put under for surgery. Just as the anesthesiologist was pushing the meds into me and telling me to count back from 100, I looked up at him in a loopy but focused gaze. I can’t believe what I said to him: “You’re so pretty, you could be in movies,” then I blacked out.
The anesthesiologist was a grizzled 70-year-old hunched-back-looking guy with a lopsided grimace and more ear hair than head hair. The very last thing I remember hearing was the OR nurses cracking up laughing. It was a smallish medical community, and I knew some of the people there, so as a joke, somebody snuck his headshot into my chart. I like to think it was him vying for a second career!
8. The Cat Got His Tongue
I have no recollection of this, but according to my mom when she met me in the recovery room after my wisdom tooth extraction, I was very eager to tell her something, but my mouth was full of gauze. So, they gave me a pen, and I wrote something on the surgical bib. Hours later, when I was back in reality, she left me baffled with her question: “What was with the meow, meows, my son”?
I had no idea what she was talking about, so she showed me the bib. It said, “Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow”. It was the Meow Mix theme song.
9. Caught In A Time Warp
I had a guy who was a nefarious character and a heavy user, who got a bunch of illicit substances—probably too much—while in recovery from one of the other docs to help with severe pain after his abscess drainage. I was asked to check on him in an hour as the other doc had left for the evening. I went over and saw him in the K hole drooling on himself but otherwise fine, so I left and came back an hour later.
The first thing he said to me was, “Why did you do that to me?” I asked him what he meant and he said, “You don’t understand. I lived another man’s life in there!” I apologized and asked him, “How long do you think you were in there”? For reference, it had been something like an hour and a half or two hours since his trip began.
He replied, and I was speechless. “I don’t know, maybe 30 years.” I apologized again, made sure he knew he was safe, made sure he wasn’t hurting, and made darn sure he knew it wasn’t me that did it to him.
10. Crying Purple Rain
I had a double jaw surgery scheduled. The procedure was fine. I remember waking up halfway through it and getting more anesthesia. After the surgery ended, they put me into the hospital room to let the meds wear off of me. I don’t remember much of this time, but my mom was sitting in the room with me, watching the news on the TV.
I woke up and was quiet for a little bit before I started to cry uncontrollably. My mom thought it was because my mouth hurt. My mouth was wired shut, so I actively couldn’t correct her with words and I had to try and write out on paper what I was crying about. When she looked at the TV, it all made sense. The news was broadcasting about Prince’s passing, and I was inconsolable over the fact that I apparently had offed the Prince and I had to turn myself in.
11. Going At It Tooth And Nail
This guy I was dating asked me to take him to get his wisdom teeth removed. He told me that anesthesia didn’t affect him a lot, and we were supposed to go on a road trip the next day. He got wheeled out of the dentist by an old nurse. I was behind the driver’s seat and I saw him smacking his lips, looking up at the sky.
The nurse opened my car door and he said, “I love her, I love her.” He then proceeded to ask me to marry him several times. He tried to pull out his gauze and when I told him to stop, he said, “Man this [chick] is bossy.” Then, he wanted a milkshake. I would suggest a place and he would scream, “NOOOOOO.” Finally, we agreed on a place and he told me he’ll give me directions.
I drove for 15 minutes before I asked him what we were doing and he said he had no idea. We were in the drive-through and he said, “I have something for you.” My heart dropped. I swear I thought he had bought me a ring the way he had been proposing for the last hour. But, it was his newly extracted teeth. He said, “They let me keep them; I want you to have them.”.
He lived on base at the time and was yelling at the gate while they checked his ID for them to, “Hurry UPPP”. I finally got him to his room and in bed. He was happily eating his milkshake with a spoon. His mouth was a mess of blood and milkshake. He asked me for a kiss, and I gave him a peck. We’re married now.
12. Candy Crushing Mama
My mom woke up from dental surgery and when we were leaving the surgeon’s office, he gave her a “goodie bag” with floss and a toothbrush and stuff. The whole way home, she kept asking if she could eat the candy that the dentist gave her. Every time I told her there was no candy, she looked so heartbroken, like a little kid when their goldfish passed, or something.
Then we stopped at CVS, and she wandered off. I found her in the candy aisle holding a giant bag of fun-sized candy. When I told her to put it back on the shelf, she got her passive-aggressive revenge—she dropped it on the floor and galloped away laughing at me.
13. Looking For Some Elbow Room
I was under general anesthesia to get my gallbladder removed. As I was being wheeled back through the double doors, there was a giant TV screen that listed the surgeries going on. I was way too loopy to actually read it, but I swear I saw “Elbow-ectomy.” My natural reaction threw everyone off-guard. I started laughing uncontrollably over the idea of removing an elbow and being left with a floppy arm. Apparently, what I actually said was, “Elbooow jellooo,” and then passed out.
14. Mocking Me All The Way To The End Zone
I’m an anesthesiologist here, and for better or worse, I’m a big Green Bay Packers fan; I wear a scrub cap with the Packers’ name and colors on it. I was doing a pre-op evaluation on a kid who was a big New Orleans Saints fan. When I walked into the room, his first words to me were “Packers Suck”. I laughed and continued to prepare him and his family for his redo open heart surgery procedure.
Fast forward to surgery a couple of days later, and his mom had come back to the OR as he was going to sleep. Given the fact this was a three or four-time redo sternotomy, he had a higher risk of major complications from the procedure. I started to push some meds to have him go to sleep, while his mom was holding his hand. As he drifted off, he said, “Wait, I have to tell my mom something!”
She got emotional saying how much she loved him, and we were all waiting to hear what he had to say so urgently. I paused giving him the medication, but he was already well on his way to being under, and as he drifted off to sleep, he said, “Packers suck.”
15. How Big Was It?
There was a girl in her late 20s, and we had a good laugh when I went to bring her down to the OR from the ward. Afterward, when she was in the recovery room, she was just waking up, so I went to check on her. Out of nowhere, she screamed: “Hey, check it out! How big is my [schlong] now!? Is it huge”? Then, she just kinda went back to sleep while I held my laughs until I got to a less public place.
The fun thing about anesthesia and post-op is while you’re still high as a kite, there’s a decent chance you’ll have some idea of what you were saying. The next day I was in the same ward collecting another person across from her, so I decided to say hi. She was sitting with her mom, so I just asked how she was feeling, etc. Then, I asked if she remembered what she had said to me in the recovery room. The girl turned bright red and just started laughing at that point.
16. Shout It Out Loud
As a 17-year-old, I had a colonoscopy because GI doctors couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t go number two. After the colonoscopy, I was still very much under the anesthesia effects—loopy. When my mom tried to offer saltines, I started screaming, “HOW MANY CALORIES DO THOSE THINGS HAVE”? My mom started panicking. She said, “Calm down, lower your voice, people are gonna think you have an eating disorder or something”.
I just said, “I CAN’T TALK QUIET, WHAT’S GOING ON”. The ironic thing was that besides not being able to control my vocal volume, the anesthesia kind of acted like a truth serum in a way. No one found out I had an eating disorder until I almost lost my life from it a year later, but I can’t believe that wasn’t taken into consideration as to why I couldn’t go to the bathroom. You can’t poop if you don’t eat.
17. The Best Kind Of High
When my husband had his vasectomy after our son was born, they gave him a local anesthetic, some Valium, and pain meds after. He was LOOPY. I stopped at Walgreens to fill his prescription, and as he lolled in the passenger seat with an ice pack on his junk, said, “Hey, will you get me a Coke”? I nodded. “And some Doritos?” I nodded again and went to leave the car.
He said, “And some Oreos? And some Reese’s Cups? And some Twizzlers?” We were 38 years old, well behind junk food years, not stoners, and he was 6’2” and 170 lbs, not obese or a binge eater. I said, “Are you serious?” He just grinned at me. In his plastered state said, “Yeah”. I grabbed the baby carrier and said, “I’m taking the baby with me.”
He literally did finger guns. THIS MAN WAS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR WHO WEARS BOW TIES. I bought his snacks and meds and headed back outside. He was telling a guy at the Red Box video kiosk next to our car that his urologist said he had the “best kind of [organ] for the procedure because his shaft is very straight and uniform.” I took him home quickly, gave him his snacks, and let him sleep it off. He woke up hours later covered in candy wrappers with orange Dorito fingers and asked, “What happened?!”
18. Keeping Abreath Of The Situation
Once in school, I was putting a lady to sleep and we all had our little spiel we say. I had the mask on her face, pushing propofol in her IV and I told her, “Okay now, nice big breaths.” She looked up at me and she hit me with the funniest line ever: “Thanks, I just had them done”, and then went out. I looked at my preceptor and the circulator who couldn’t stop laughing. I got myself together and intubated her, then laughed my balls off. To this day, when I put someone to sleep I changed my spiel to, “Slow, deep, breaths” instead. I will never forget that lady.
19. Nothing But Remorse
During my husband’s colonoscopy, he apparently needed more anesthesia than the average bear because he kept waking up and wiggling around. It took him a correspondingly long time to emerge from the anesthesia. The nurses had me come back while they tried to wake him. When he opened his eyes, I anxiously asked if he could feel anything. His response came out of nowhere.
“Remorse,” he said. He also told the nurses he didn’t need a wheelchair because “She’s held me up before and she’ll do it again”. We used the wheelchair.
20. Post-Op Whopper
My husband had his ACL and meniscus repaired. When they brought him back into the room, he stared at me through half-closed eyes until the nurses left and then said, “I love you. I’m glad you’re here.” I melted. It was a brief, shining moment—and then he opened his mouth again. Then, he conked back out for about half an hour and woke up with a big gasp. I thought he was in pain, that’s how loud it was.
Then, he went, “BURGER KING BURGER.” I said, “You want a Burger King burger”? He replied, “I do!” So I had to get him a Burger King burger for dinner. He didn’t remember anything until he was back home several hours later with the Burger King sitting in front of him.
21. Saving Face
There’s a song by Pepper that my brothers and I quote to each other, “What’s wrong with your face?” We will randomly say it to each other. My dad was going in for spinal fusion and during the surgery prep, my youngest brother and I kept saying it to each other. “Hey, so I know you stubbed your toe the other day, but what’s wrong with your fa-a-a-ace?”
My dad went in for surgery and all went well. The surgeon came out and talked to him during recovery. The conversation was hilarious. The surgeon said, “Normally I don’t discuss with patients what they say coming out of anesthesia, but I have to know why you kept asking me what’s wrong with my face. Over and over again.” My dad just burst out laughing and explained. They both had a chuckle.
22. No More Next Time
I had a rough labor and delivery with my first baby and they had given me several doses of pain meds. I had three days of labor, back labor, Charley horses in the calves of my legs, and ultimately a forceps delivery. I was extremely medicated and exhausted by the whole thing. The doctor was finally stitching me up, and someone in the room commented that maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time with the next baby.
This apparently set me off. I vaguely remember lifting my head partway off the table and telling the doctor: “STITCH ME ALL THE WAY UP AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE NEXT TIME.” The room erupted in laughter and I threw my head back down. I was so mad they were laughing because I was serious.
23. Pokemon Go!
One of my patients thought she was Pikachu. And, just like Pikachu, she could only say, “Pikachu” or variant constituent words like, “Pika,” “Chuuu,” or repetitions like “Pika, pika, pika.” In medicine, you’re not supposed to reinforce hallucinations or delusions, but my staff couldn’t help it. They responded with, “BULBASAURRR!” It was the end of a long day for my team.
24. I Became A Total Bird Brain
I was in for a colonoscopy. I was told the sedative would make me forget everything that was about to happen. I started feeling REAL good. When I woke up, I started listing bird facts. I said, “Did you know a bluebird isn’t really blue? Its feathers actually have gray pigment, but the structure of the feather causes light to bend in such a way that you see blue. Mostly the same for green, too.
“Ratites are the only truly flightless birds. There are five of them. Ostrich, Emu, Rhea, Cassowary, and…anyone? Anyone? The kiwi. Psittacines have small brains, but they are packed full of neurons. In fact, they have a comparative intelligence to a 3- to 5-year-old child”!
25. Ooh Child, What Just Came Out Of Your Mouth?
One summer when my sister was five, she got her big toe caught in a bicycle chain. It was nearly severed off and was hanging by a piece of skin. After they got her to the ER and gave her pain meds, she kept screaming and cursing saying, “I hate you Shel. You are not my friend no more.” Shel was the neighbor girl who was riding her double on the bicycle when this happened.
My mother was mortified that her 5-year-old daughter was cursing and screaming like that. They finally got her calmed down and gave her a coloring book and crayons…but that only made things worse. She tried to eat the brown crayon because she thought it was a candy bar. Then, on the way home, she started singing “Jingle Bells” and pointing at the traffic lights, saying how pretty the Christmas lights were. My brother and I still make fun of her for what she said.
26. The Joke Was On Me
At the appointment before my vasectomy, the doctor told me all the steps he’d be going through, including cauterizing the plumbing. I shared the following joke with my GP and he thought it was pretty funny. A guy goes into a pet store and there’s a parrot for sale. The clerk says that this parrot is named Chet and that he sings Christmas carols. The guy asks for a demonstration.
The clerk grabs a lighter and holds it a couple of inches under one of the parrot’s feet. Chet starts singing “Silent Night.” The guy says, “What about the other foot”? The clerk holds the lighter under the other foot, and Chet starts singing “White Christmas.” The guy asks, “What about if you hold it under both his feet at the same time?” Then the weirdest thing happened.
The clerk holds the lighter between the parrot’s feet, and the bird starts singing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire.” A few weeks later, I went in for my vasectomy. The doctor had given me a pill to take before I left home to handle some of the anxiety. By the time my wife and I got there, I was loopy. On the way back, the doctor told me that he’s got a medical student shadowing him that day, and asked if I minded if the student sat in on the procedure.
I told him I didn’t care if he sold tickets, as long as he gave me a percentage. We got back to the surgical suite, and they started the procedure. I was all dosed up on something. There were two or three nurses in there with us, my doctor, and the med student. The doctor was saying everything that he was doing and warned me that for this next step, I might smell a bit of smoke.
I smelled the smoke and started singing, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.” My doctor had to stop what he was doing and take a quick break, he was laughing so hard.
27. If Looks Could Kill
I collected a patient who was having routine day surgery to take him back to the main ward area from the recovery area. As I walked in, he was calling the scrub nurse out for being overweight with a hook nose. When I popped in, the guy saw me and he gave me the biggest insult I’d ever heard: “Ughhhh oh my God, you are the ugliest man I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” At that point, he was physically recoiling in horror, leaning back, arms up, protecting himself.
I just calmly dislodged the breaks off the trolley and responded, “Yeah I get it all the time. I’m used to it,” as I winked at the nurse. As we trundled along, he piped up, “Hey, maybe it’s the beard huh?” I said, “Maybe but if I shave it off, you’ll see more of the face that might be worse,” and I smiled back. He replied, “You know, you might be right there; it’s a real affliction.”
As we entered the ward, he put a hand up half covering his face, shielding his comments from me, shouting at the other patients, “Look at him hideous, the ugliest man alive”. I sat him up and gave him a drink, and he seemed a bit more at ease. Then he asked me if I was married. I told him I was and had been for a long time. So he asked, “Does she mind…you know,” and pointed his finger at his own face drawing a circle around it.
I told him, “I’ve never asked her to be honest”. He said, “Hmmm, does she have you know,” and he circled his face. I replied, “Oh no, actually she was a model for a long time.” As we were talking, I saw the consultant coming from my peripheral vision. I thought this was going to be funny because this doctor looked like a giant potato with teeth. His nickname was potato face.
As he walked in, I drew the curtains around so he could see the patient and check his postoperative wound. The doctor was so tall, he just peered over the top of the curtain. The patient let out a blood-curdling yell and screamed for help. I told the doctor that the patient was breathing well and the doctor said, “That will do,” and stormed off clearly mad.
I went to the patient, and he looked like he had just seen Satan. “Oh good God, what was that? Was it real? Oh, Jesus Christ was that real? Oh man, I take it back. He is the ugliest man I’ve ever seen, not you.” A few moments later, he waved me over and said, “I was lucky there, wasn’t I? He was a demon and I think he came to take me. I don’t know what you said to get rid of him, but you did. Are you an angel?” I replied, “God’s ugliest angel mate.”
28. My Plan Made No Sense
When I had my knee operation, I kept repeating to myself, “Did you get the plate number of the truck that hit me”? I thought it would be really funny to say that the moment I woke up. The next thing I remember, a nurse was standing over me in recovery. I was mostly out of it, but I was filled with a desire to say my line. The anesthesia had dried out my mouth and puffed up my tongue. All I could say was, “Dif u say da plut noom truth hif me”? The nurse was nice to try to decipher my babbling until I passed out again.
29. Feeling Some Night Fevers
I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was 35. According to my wife, I said, “I’m the BeeGees baby,” followed by a rendition of “Stayin’ Alive.” Then I told her not to film me and I said, “I’m the red baron under here, the flying ace,” in reference to my red beard of 12 years that I had shaved off for the procedure. When they told me to drink the ginger ale through the straw, I assured them, “I was a good sucker but it was spicy.”
I also very distinctly remember having a conversation with the whole OR prior to and as I was going under about my love for dogs. The coincidence was unreal—the surgeon who stitched my face back together from being dog-bitten in the mouth 15 years prior, also happened to be the surgeon doing my extraction. He was showing off the ER picture to everyone in the room and we were both very proud.
30. Please Return My Parts
I don’t remember any of this part, but when I was 11 I had to have corrective surgery on my sternum and apparently woke up while they had my sternum out to do whatever it was they were doing to it. I was told I looked at the hole in my chest, then at them with my sternum, then I closed my eyes and dropped a classic line: “Please return that in better condition than you found it”. After that, they promptly put me back under. I woke up later to my parents and the surgeon giggling about it.
31. The Elephant Man
When I was 22, I had to get my septum realigned after a minor cycling accident. When I came to the ward after the operation, I got the nurse’s attention and mentioned that I’d just woken up. She said, “You haven’t just woken up, you’ve been singing a song about happy elephants for about 20 minutes now”. Needless to say, I did not remember singing any songs, about happy elephants or otherwise. That was embarrassing enough, but it got worse.
I also spent quite a while afterward wondering why they’d stuck some Velcro to my upper lip. I eventually worked out that it was my mustache, but because my face was so numb, I’d assumed it was Velcro.
32. The TV Turned Me Looney Tunes
Getting my wisdom teeth out, I played Pokemon FireRed in the waiting room while a Grey’s Anatomy episode played on TV. It was the one where the doctors got into a plane crash. I woke up believing I had been in a plane crash and was currently being treated for life-threatening injuries alongside my Pokemon in a Pokemon Center. Naturally, I reacted how anyone would in that situation—I screamed for my Pokemon. I cried and begged them to let me see it. My mom wrestled me into the car eventually and said she wanted to die from embarrassment.
33. Granny Was Getting Her Groove On
I was a 38-year-old male who was taking care of a woman in her 80s who looked like my grandma. I slipped her two Versed while we hooked her up to the monitors. A minute later, she garbled out, “Wow! This stuff is making me feel some type of way…” The scrub tech in the corner said, “It’s making you hungry” Her response was totally unexpected. “No! Getting me all hot and bothered!”
Then, looking at me, she said, “And you sure are handsome.” I blushed and thanked her while the room giggled. She kind of twisted her head around to look me in the eye and winked. She mumbled, “Just cuz there’s snow on the mountain doesn’t mean there’s not fire down below”. The entire room busted up laughing and I couldn’t slam in the propofol fast enough.
34. The Mystery Of Linda
I had a guy wake up and say, “I love you, Linda”. I’m a guy, not Linda, so I told him that I thought we should just stay friends. Later when his family came round, I went to his wife and said, “And you must be Linda.” But here’s the thing—she wasn’t. I had to quickly say, “Oops sorry, so many patients, and I’m bad with names”. I don’t know who Linda was, but I wish I had found out.
35. Fighting Me Off At The Stick
When I was put under for my wisdom tooth surgery, my boyfriend picked me up when I was done. He drives a stick. Apparently, while I was loopy on the ride home, I loudly said, “I can help you drive.” He gave me a weird look, and then I made my shocking move—I dove in to help shift gears. I do not know how to drive a standard. Luckily, I was too out of it to actually switch gears, but he was fighting me off the whole drive home. I then proceeded not to let him help me up the stairs or into bed because I could absolutely do it on my own.
36. They Got Into My Bad Books
I had “conscious sedation” for a procedure. I thought I was out, though, and evidently, I talked about writing racy novels. I have no memory of this at all. When I returned for follow-ups, three other nurses besides the surgeon and anesthesiologist were aware of it, and what I said had been discussed around the office. They seemed to think it was pretty funny, however, I was upset and angry at the lack of confidentiality and changed doctors.
And for a very good reason, too—I actually am a published author of explicit novels and I write under a pen name. I would NEVER mention it to anyone who knows my identity. It would be very unpleasant if certain family members found out, and it could be quite dangerous as well because there are a lot of crazies out there.
37. The Pleasure Principle
I had my wisdom teeth out a few years ago and the dental assistant who was in the room was the daughter of my mom’s good friend. She was about three years older, but we went to the same school. She said when I was good and doped up, I blurted out an embarrassing truth…I confessed how I used to furiously pleasure myself in her yearbook photo. I don’t recall either incident but I wouldn’t deny it.
38. Did They Take All My Teeth?
I went under for my four wisdom teeth at 15 years old. When I awoke, drooling on myself with a mouth filled with bloody cotton, I told the nurse and my mother that I’ll never be able to chew again with those teeth, and I started crying because I thought my teeth had all been removed. I kept biting harder and harder on the cotton and couldn’t feel the rest of my face. That’s when things got worse.
I bit my lip so hard, I started to bleed, so my mother tried to stop me. I screamed, “DON’T MAKE ME TAKE YOUR TEETH, MOTHER DEAREST”! The entire office fell into complete silence for a good minute, then everyone broke out in laughter all at once.
39. Pretty Woman
I was coming out of anesthesia after having my wisdom teeth and a piece of my jaw removed. It was like coming out of the deepest, warmest, most restful sleep imaginable. I heard a woman’s voice saying, “It’s time to wake up. My name’s Sophie. We need you to wake up now,” and I tried to respond but just said, “Graaarghlegarg”, or some other indecipherable noise.
She continued, “We need you to wake up now. Open your eyes for me, and don’t try to say anything or you’ll tear the stitches in your mouth”. I finally opened my eyes and looked up at the most incredibly beautiful woman I had ever seen, or at least that’s how it seemed at the moment. “Ooh,” I said, “You’re much prettier than my alarm clock!” I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but then the aftermath sank in.
I quickly became aware that there were eight doctors around me and they all burst out laughing. I was confused and couldn’t comprehend what was so funny, so I asked, “What’s funny”? As I did, my mouth exploded with blood and they all went to work on me. While one of them was intently focused on stitching my mouth back up, he said to me, “Just so you know, that’s my wife you just called pretty.”
I suddenly saw the humor and started laughing while this guy’s hands and tools were inside the back of my mouth. Everyone began to panic and were trying to get me to stop. I wanted to forget about that moment.
40. Empty Threats Did The Trick
My daughter had her appendix removed; it was pretty standard stuff. As we were waiting for her to come out of it, we were talking over her with the nurse monitoring. She stirred but it was taking too long for my liking. So, I leaned close and said, “Your brother is touching your stuff”. She popped straight up and looked around like she was going to punch him.
It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. When she realized that wasn’t happening, she immediately pulled her shirt up to look at her scar and passed back out. It was hilarious.
41. Calling Them Out On Capitalism
My husband had his first colonoscopy this year. I picked him up and took him home when it was over. He forgot where his hands were and said, “Good thing you’re driving”. Then, he insisted that he needed sushi immediately. On the drive home, we had to go through some swanky neighborhoods on a road with a lot of speed bumps, so I had to go slow. That’s when he did it—he stuck his head out the window and yelled at all the houses about how they were evil capitalist shelter hoarders in a housing crisis. Then he ate a lot of plain bread and fell asleep.
42. He Was Acting Like A Total Fruitcake
My husband had major spinal surgery a year ago. When he woke up, he mostly talked gibberish, but then said, “What’s going to be the fruitcake of our generation? It better not be a Nanaimo bar. Those things are a God [darn] treasure.” Then a bit later, nurses had to help him go to the bathroom as he couldn’t walk. They brought him to the toilet and left him there until he was ready to come out. What I heard next had me in stitches. He asked to himself, “Are ya coming,’” while sitting on the toilet talking to his poop.
43. When A Man Loves A Woman…
I’ve only been under once and it was for root planing, a very painful tooth cleaning for someone with periodontal disease. I asked the attending if I could make out with my wife because she was so hot. When they finally got me into the car to go home, I dropped the visor mirror and what I saw gave me chills—I saw my mouth was completely crusted with blood. Without skipping a beat, I said, “A real man loves his woman every day of the month,” in front of my teenage daughter and 7-year-old son. My poor wife.
44. I Was Off My Nut
I was having excruciating pain in my testicles. When I went to the ER, they gave me some good stuff. I was getting an ultrasound done on my junk, and the nurses were admittedly cute and my age—early 20s. I went from wanting it to be the end to feeling pretty good. I was feeling so good, I asked the nice ladies, “Is it a boy, or a girl, or a MAN?” I had no idea if my joke would pay off—until I looked over to the side of the room.
The supervising male doctor ushered them out as they boisterously giggled. One year later, I was working at my job as a ballroom dance instructor. One of the attending nurses came in for lessons. You better believe we remembered each other. Thankfully, we were both able to laugh it off. I made so many “BALL” room jokes.
45. Howling Like The Wolf
I am a nurse who used to work in a cardiology unit where I would administer sedation before some procedures. I had a man wake up and I asked him how he was feeling, to which he stated, “Man I just LOVE dogs”, and did a quiet little wolf’s howl. I laughed and he said, “You like that?! My wife NEVER lets me howl.” I immediately regretted saying that, because what he did next had me cringing. He then proceeded to howl at maximum volume for a solid of 4–5 minutes. I heard him mumble something about a scratchy throat on his way out.
46. His Brain Was Scrambled
My dad, preparing for open heart surgery, was given two little blue strong sleeping tablets before being taken to the theater. Five minutes later, the nurse came in, and my dad sort of wobbled his head towards her and said, “Ah, yes hi, can I please have two fried eggs and scrambled eggs and two fried eggs please? What do you guys want”?
It was hilarious. The nurse said, “Coming right up” and they started wheeling him away. He tried to grab a decorative apple thing and said, “Get that apple Brad, I’m starving”.
47. The Poop Was In The Pushing
I had the most embarrassing time when my fiancé gave birth to my son. The anesthesiologist was teaching his student and the poor guy kept messing up with the epidural. My fiancé is 100% Irish and a ginger with a mouth to match. They had to pull me into the room to hold her hand and calm her down while she cursed the poor guy out.
He ended up hitting too far to the left, so only her left side was numb. She went from 3 cm to 10 cm so fast, that they instead injected her with something else which made her unbelievably loopy. She kept singing “Shots” by LMFAO and the poor nurse who gave her the meds thought she had Tourette’s. I had to explain it was a song. That was embarrassing enough, but my fiance wasn’t done.
The poor lady literally went to the front desk to check on her medical file to make sure she wasn’t diagnosed with it and the people at the front got a laugh out of it later when I explained it. When it came to the pushing part, I was holding her button for the epidural and her leg up, helping the nurses with the birth, and she kept calling for me.
She kept saying, “Daddy, daddy it feels like I need to take a big [poo]. A really big [poo]. I kept saying that her dad was in the family room because I’m extremely embarrassed when she calls me daddy. Fifteen minutes into pushing, my son came flying out and the nurse barely caught him. My fiancé said she just pooped out a rocket ship and she kept apologizing for pooping when she hadn’t at all.
48. When The Truth Comes Out
My friend was getting her wisdom teeth out. Her boyfriend and I took her to the dental surgeon. The assistant came out and gave us the rundown of what happened while the doctor was finishing up. The BF and I were both pre-med so we were talking about the surgery and medication and all that. The doctor brought her out a few minutes later, and we helped her get into the car.
She got into the car and she told her BF a shocking truth—that she cheated on him a week before, but she did it in a laughing and loopy way. We were both in the car stunned. I had kinda known but said nothing. He said he would talk about it when we got back. We got her back to her apartment and she instantly went to bed because she was tired. There were no words exchanged.
She woke up about 30 minutes later and was laughing about how crazy she must have been on laughing gas, and asked us what she said because she didn’t remember anything. Her BF told her what she said and was mad about it. She claimed she was loopy and was just saying random stuff, and got mad at him for not believing her.
He said he knows she is lying, and she thought I was the one who told him it was true and it was my fault he found out. The thing is when we were talking to the dental assistant, she told us all they used was a local anesthetic. The only thing they gave her was air to help her breathe beforehand—like the type they have in airplanes.
There was no nitrous oxide since the teeth were easy to extract. She says patients often mistake it for laughing gas and it’s funny to see if they fake a reaction because it is a placebo. So, she was basically blaming it on the loopy gas, not knowing she didn’t even receive any.
49. Getting Down For A Gordita
I didn’t get my wisdom teeth out until my early 20s. As a result, I had damage to my back molars and had to get crowns done. They did four crowns in one day, using sedation dentistry. Apparently, afterward, according to my wife at the time, I demanded Taco Bell and refused to shut up about it until she finally took me to Taco Bell.
Upon arriving, instead of eating, I just snapped. I got up and danced on the tables. I don’t remember that part at all. However that evening, I woke up in my bed at home and thought the paint was dripping off the walls. I ran out to the living room, where my wife and stepson were yelling about the paint running down the walls. I remember that part pretty clearly.
50. This Guy Was A Total Weenie
I was a PACU (post-anesthetic care unit) nurse. I get everyone from OT to come my way so I have a few good ones. A colleague of mine was looking after a 21-year-old male from the service who had some form of renal stenting for which you get a camera snaked up your old fella if you’re a man. My colleague, in their lack of thinking, left their phone by the bedside while this man was using a urinal bottle. It was a big mistake, she’d soon realize.
This man proceeded to take about 10+ selfies of himself starkers with his meat and two veggies in full view on my colleague’s phone. The best part was they didn’t find the photos until two hours later.
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