5. Who Still Uses a Phone Book Anyway?
We were driving to a restaurant and wanted to see how long the wait was. My dad handed me the phone book and asked me to look up the number. I, for whatever reason, thought he had said, “Get rid of this!” So, I opened the window and chucked the phone book out while we were going 70 MPH down the highway. That was over ten years ago, and I still get crap for it to this day.
6. Jumping For Joy
I wanted to show off my jumping skills, so I jumped up and successfully bit down on the string that is used to pull the attic door down. It had a metal bead on it. Immediately after, I remember thinking “Holy crap, I actually just got it in my mouth and broke the string!” Then I realized that the string was still there, but half of my front tooth wasn’t.
As the best man at my wedding later said, “The attic string went fishing for idiots and caught one!”
7. A Cheesy Thing to Do
I once microwaved a single Cheeto. Don’t ask me why…
8. Good For Muffin
One time, I was eating a lemon poppyseed muffin. The phone rang, so I reacted by shoving the entire muffin my mouth and eating it as fast as I could, nearly choking to death. I didn't even make it to the phone before it stopped ringing. Why did I do that?
9. You Better Watch Out
Someone once asked me what time it was. I lifted and rotated my wrist so that I could look at my watch. I was holding an iced tea at the time, and accidentally just poured the whole thing out into my lap. I was not wearing a watch. I didn’t even own a watch. Never have.
10. All For One and One For All
I accidentally emailed every single employee's personal work evaluations to everyone, collectively.
11. Blade Runner
I put my finger into a handheld blender and turned it on to see if I could stop the blades from spinning. I couldn't, and it chewed up my finger. I was 21 at the time. I haven’t been the same ever since.
12. How Many People Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?
I went through multiple bulb changes and a couple of mechanic visits over a period of several weeks—only to realize that I was changing the wrong headlight. My wife won't let that one go.
13. Old Flames
I applied a flammable anti-mosquito spray onto a lit candle so that it would make the candle mosquito-repellent…
14. The Only Way to Travel
I drove to work one morning, promptly forgot that I had done so by the end of the day, and then took the bus home—leaving my car behind in the office parking lot.
15. Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door
One time, I was sick with something and just wasn't fully feeling like myself. A package delivery person rang the doorbell. Me, not thinking clearly, got up from the couch, walked up to the door, and, instead of answering it, knocked on it. A few moments later, I opened the door to a mildly confused delivery man and took the package.
It wasn't until I had closed the door, box in hand, that I realized my bizarre error.
16. Home Sweet Home
Once, I was half asleep and started undressing as soon as I walked in the door of my house. Then, I suddenly remembered that I had come home with a friend that day…
17. Stairway to Hell
In junior high school, I was running down the stairs at lunchtime. When I got to the point where there were only three steps left, I thought I'd do something kind of cool and jump down—skipping the last three steps. I stupidly did not look ahead before doing this, so I didn’t realize that there was another flight of stairs below the stairs I was on.
I leaped, and no less than a second later the lights went out. Next thing I knew, I was waking up with a bunch of people crowded around me. I forget exactly how long I had a bad headache for afterward!
18. Broken Telephone
Just recently, I was talking to my friend and got onto a topic about something that I had been looking up on my phone. I started to search for my phone so that I could send him the link. I couldn't find it anywhere. I was talking to him while walking from room to room looking everywhere. I checked my pants pockets and looked in several of the weird random places where I had left it in the past.
Eventually, I told him that I'd have to send the link to him when I found my phone. He then reminded me that I was currently talking to him on my phone...
19. Waterworks
I wanted to refill my cup with more water—so I just poured my already half-filled cup out on the table to make room for the extra water.
20. Hot Take
Sometimes, I blow on my ice cream—as if to cool it off—before I take a bite. I have no idea why.
21. Checked Out
I work as a cashier at a grocery store. The other day, I scanned a customer's groceries, removed the dividing bar from my register, and immediately began scanning the next customer's groceries onto the first guy’s bill. The first guy was not very happy about this. On the bright side, though, the second guy didn’t seem to mind!
22. Following Your Inner Voice
I once had a random intrusive thought that told me I should start screaming in the middle of a quiet classroom for no reason. I didn't ignore it.
23. Fore!
When I was about 10 or 12 years old, I picked up one of my dad’s golf clubs that had no head on it. I then launched it like a spear down the hallway after telling my brother I thought it would be cool. The result was a golf club hanging out of a hole in the wall and an EXTREMELY grounded me.
24. Flashing the Sign
I once tried to use my phone flashlight to search for...my phone.
25. Glory Days
Early one morning, I randomly turned into my high school parking lot, parked in the student section, and started to get out of the car to go inside. Then I remembered that I was 32 years old and hadn’t been a high school student in over a decade…
26. You Failed the Real Test
When I arrived for an exam one morning, I unzipped my coat to find that I still had my pajamas on.
27. Til Printing Do Us Part
I once printed out an essay for school and then threw it right into the trash.
28. Filling Up the Wrong Glasses
I once accidentally put my glasses in the refrigerator. I figured it out when I noticed that the orange juice bottle was sitting on my bathroom counter…
29. Apology Not Accepted
I once dropped a spoon, then apologized to the spoon for dropping it.
30. Pie in the Sky
When I was about nine or 10 years old, I randomly threw a piece of pie into my next-door neighbor’s yard. Well, it turned out my neighbor had been relaxing in her yard at the time. A few minutes later, she came knocking on my parents’ door, demanding to know why a piece of pie came flying out of nowhere and almost hit her.
That was definitely the strangest thing I ever got in trouble for.
31. Spilling the Beans
I went into a coffee shop once and ordered a large cup of coffee. The barista handed it to me and, without thinking, I put it straight into my purse—with no lid.
32. What’s For Lunch?
I once bit my phone and cracked the screen when my bagel was in the other hand. That was fun!
33. Backward Day Gone Wrong
I threw my Popsicle on my bed and took a bite of my phone.
34. A Little Too Much to Drink
I once stupidly poured my soda all over my food at a restaurant, thinking it was ketchup for some reason.
35. Life Is a Highway
My friend once asked me if I wanted to come over, so I said sure and headed out to my car. A few minutes later, I suddenly realized that I was driving towards my office instead of his house.
36. No Soup For You!
I once stuck my hand in a bowl of soup just to see what it felt like. It didn’t feel good.
37. Making an Entrance
Back in high school, I lived in the basement of my house and always thought it was cool to go in and out of my room through the basement windows. At one point, I lost my saxophone for a few days and couldn't find it anywhere. After a thorough and exhaustive search, I finally realized that I had been using my expensive and delicate instrument as a step stool to get in and out of the window several times a day for over a week.
38. Read All About It!
Using my fingers, I once tried to zoom in on a sentence...while reading a book.
39. Locked and Loaded
I once locked my vehicle and tossed the keys inside before shutting the door.
40. It Takes One to Tango
As a teenager, after watching a cop show about a kidnapping, I got really curious about what it would be like to be tied up. With some flexibility and creativity, I managed to get myself gagged and pretty securely bound to a kitchen chair. I could still get loose but not without some wiggling. My mom came home early, and I couldn't get loose in time. She FREAKED, thinking I had been robbed. Then, when she untied me, I explained, she thought I was a freak. Haha.
41. Could’ve Been Worse
I think I was four or five. There was a rock quarry/gravel pit about a mile from my home that my parents didn't want me going to because a bunch of unseemly youths hung out there. So, of course, this is where my flying experiment took place. I tied four kites to my bike and thought if I rode fast enough and then took my bike off the steepest bank of the quarry, the kites would lift me off and I'll glide to the bottom.
Probably lucky for me, but the strings of the kite wound into the bike spokes and completely locked it, throwing me and I slid all the way down the edge of the gravel pit rather than make a measured jump. Scraped up to my elbows and from my knees down, all I could think on that painful walk home dragging my busted bike full of kites was how my mom was going to kill me.
Suffice to say, when your five-year-old walks in looking like the finale of Carrie you don't immediately jump to punishment.
42. Did You Pack Your Bags Yourself?
When I was a kid, I wanted to hide from my grandfather and I knew he'd be coming into the room soon. I saw a suitcase and decided that I would zip myself up in it. I knew that if I was going to do that, I would need a way to breathe when I was inside there. I immediately thought of getting a straw. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed one, got inside, and zipped myself up.
Somehow, I ended up dropping the straw outside the suitcase. I began to freak out a little, but I knew that I had to remain calm in order for my plan to work. My grandfather came in a few minutes later. I, of course, was wanting out by this point. So, I called out to him: "Pappou! (Grandfather in Greek)” He said: “Matthaiou?” I said: “Yeah!” He said: "Where the heck are you?" I said: "Down here, in the suitcase!"
Explaining how and why I had ended up in there was a less than proud experience.
43. Number 28? More Like Number One!
I once went to the washroom at work. I was using the "urinal," when I suddenly realized that I don't normally see myself in the mirror while peeing. Long story short, it turned out I was urinating in the sink.
44. Going Ape
I once squirted Gorilla Glue up my nose, thinking it was nasal spray. It was the middle of the night, it was dark in my room, and the bottles were the same exact shape and size. The experience was not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.
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