People are prone to hurting themselves at times. Try as we may, we just can’t prevent the inevitable cuts and scrapes associated with everyday life. However, there are moments when we hurt ourselves in acts of sheer stupidity.
#1 Where’s the Balcony?
I once went on my balcony to smoke, only I forgot there was no balcony anymore because it was getting fixed. So I broke my leg falling one story down. Now here’s the real irony of the situation. My mother wanted to fix the balcony because it was old and she was afraid it might break off and I might hurt myself.
#2 A Clever Person
In high school, I was showing off with a stapler and accidentally managed to staple myself in the chest. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it wouldn’t be the last time that day . When I was telling the story later, I picked up a stapler to demonstrate and accidentally did it again. I’m not what you could call a clever person.
#3 Alien Dreams
This one time, I was being attacked by aliens in a dream. When they backed me into a corner, I panicked and tried to get away, so I kicked one of them hard in the head. I woke up immediately in pain. I discovered that I had just kicked my wall in real life. I badly sprained my ankle and couldn't walk properly for a week.
#4 Lifetime of Stories
My sister is only one year older than me and when we were very young, we were in the bath together. I guess my mom thought this way was easier. She left to get something and my sister said that I should dive into the tub like a dolphin. Me, being the idiot toddler I was, decided this was a wonderful idea and dove right in. I had to get stitches and a lifetime of stories told about it.
#5 Best Foot Forward
I was finishing up this intense jigsaw puzzle, which was on a low table, so I spent the entire night crouching on the balls of my feet. At the time, I was so engrossed that I didn’t think anything of it. The next morning, though, my right foot turned purple and swelled up to the size of a large orange. I was on crutches for a couple of weeks.
#6 A Neat Idea
I was eight and running home on my lunch break so that I could watch Inspector Gadget , which came on at noon. I decided it would be neat to look down at my feet while I ran. Next thing I know, I ran full speed into a parked car. I think I laid on the road for a good 10 minutes because it hurt so badly. I was late for my Inspector Gadget episode and never told anyone what happened.
#7 Suffering in Silence
When I was in middle school, I was shaving my legs. I brought the razor up to put it back on the shelf and I held it too close to my body and I cut myself. It hurt so bad, but I didn’t tell my parents or see a doctor. I just suffered in silence and had a swollen cut for a while. It was easily one of the stupidest ways I hurt myself.
#8 Electric Shock
I jumped from the roof of our house when I was about 10 years old to see if it would hurt or if I’d survive. When I landed, it was like an electric shock on my feet. Obviously I survived and yes, it was stupid. But, when you’re a child, you tend to brag about anything to your friends. It did hurt immensely, though.
#9 I Don’t Know Them
My sister swung a loaded shopping bag at a wasp, which was flying between her and my mother. She missed the wasp, but not my mother, who had no idea what was going on. She just thought my sister had lost her mind and whacked her with a heavy shopping bag out of pure spite. So my mom rolled up her sleeves and set about my sister while I walked on as though I had never seen either of them in my life before.
#10 A Lesson Learned
My brother was teasing me while I was doing homework and after a few minutes, I snapped. I took my pencil and went to jab him with the eraser end so as to not hurt him too badly. To get a bit more force behind it, I decided to wrap my index finger over the other end… the end with the point. A lot of crying and a trip to the emergency room later, I had a pencil point removed from my finger.
#11 Twice in a Week
When I was five, I was rushed to the ER twice in the same week. First, I slid down the banister as the door below swung open and I crashed head first into the corner of the door. Three days later, I was playing on the radiator, slipped off, and smashed my head again. The doctors thought my parents were hurting me and there was an investigation over it apparently.
#12 Narrow Escape
As a kid, we lived very near an active set of train tracks. Being constantly warned away from them by our parents, it’s no surprise we kids grew up with a healthy fear (and frequent nightmares) of getting caught on the tracks. I was about 12 years old and dreamt I had stumbled on the tracks. Of course, a huge freight train was bearing down on me.
In the dream, my friends scampered to safety, but I was inexplicably bogged down and moving in slow motion, clawing at the dirt and gravel to try to get over the rail. In my last ditch effort to reach safety, I dove for it. I literally flew out of my bed, halfway across the room, and cracked my head on the corner of my dresser. My mom patched me up and drove me to the hospital. I ended up with a few stitches and a big bowl of ice cream that night.
#13 For the Rolls
I went to take a plate of pizza rolls out of the microwave. The plate was so hot that I dropped it. Molten cheese bounced up and was burning through my ankle. I went to stick my foot in the sink to run it under cold water as if I was flexible enough to stand on one foot and get my leg up that high. I fell backwards and smacked my head. I had a third-degree burn on my ankle, second-degree burn on my fingers and six staples to the dome. All for pizza rolls at age 30.
#14 A Moment of Silence
I no longer have a toenail because the garbage was too heavy. I was taking the garbage out in sandals, but the garbage bag was too heavy to carry. So, I put it on my skateboard and rolled it down to the street. The tip of the skateboard lodged under my big toenail and ripped it off. Three faulty regrows later, I just don't have a toenail on my big toe anymore.
#15 Situational Awareness
When I was about 16, I was telling some story to my sister's boyfriend. I was rather animated about it and began to flail my arms about. I somehow hit the glass fixtures of our ceiling fan and showered glass upon myself. Part of the glass cut around my nose, so I was left with a nice scar and a decent story about situational awareness while speaking.
#16 Eyes on the Pan
I was listening to music while getting ready to cook dinner and decided to use the frying pan as a microphone. I guess you could say that I’m a dramatic performer. I did one of those "look away from the microphone to take a breath moments," only to turn back at a powerful lyric and hit myself in the face with the pan.
#17 Silly Rabbit
When I was a little kid, I saw a rabbit on the other side of a fence. I got pretty excited, so I tried to climb over… knowing full well it was a hot wire fence. Naturally, I fell off the wood between the wires and almost electrocuted myself when I fell onto the wire. I never did get a hold of that stupid rabbit.
#18 Chips and Carrots
I was at work in a high-stress office complex. The work made you eat quickly and often at your desk. I was eating a baby carrot and tortilla chips, when all of a sudden I got poked with the edge of a chip midway into chewing a carrot. I turned blue choking on baby carrots. It was good times nearly losing my life by a chip and a carrot. I learned to slow down when eating.
#19 Going Down
When I moved to my new workplace, I was forced to switch from regular steel-toes to heavy-duty boots with a plate over the laces for my protection. While unloading a load of steel, the plate (that is there for my protection) caught on the lip of a steel beam I was stepping over and dropped me from six feet up to ground level. Very luckily, there was a steel beam to catch me on the edge to keep my head from hitting the concrete floor. I only had to get 12 staples and took a week off work.
#20 Respect the Laundry
Once as a child, I lit a dryer sheet on fire, thinking it would burn really fast because it's just fluff, right? Nope, it's more like plastic. It started dripping flaming molten balls of hatred on my floor. I was scared… and panicked. I shook the dryer sheet. A few molten plastic lava ball burns on my face and arms later, I now respect the laundry and leave it to my wife.
#21 Fool Me Twice
I tried to open a wine bottle with a knife because the cork was stuck inside and I stupidly thought that if I cut around the cork with a knife, I could just pull it out. I almost cut off my entire finger and had to go to the hospital. Also, as a child, I was very tubby, particularly around my waist. One day, I was frying something in a flat pan and I wondered how close I could get my stomach to the pan without burning it. I burnt it. I still have a very slight scar to remind myself of how much of an idiot I can be.
#22 What Goes Around
I was shooting basketball when I was a kid and kept missing all of my shots. I got really mad and threw the ball as hard as I could because I was done. It ended up hitting the pole and bounced back hard enough that it smashed me in the face, completely knocked me off my feet and I knocked my head on the asphalt.
#23 Nailed It
I once stepped on a nail… twice… the same nail. I felt something sharp piercing my skin, so I immediately picked up my foot. Then, in order to avoid falling down, I placed my foot back, on the same nail. Only then did I finally adjust my body position to avoid falling down. Still, though, not my finest moment.
#24 Happy Birthday, Grandma
I was five years and on my parents’ driveway, which is gravel. It was a hot day and I had this brilliant idea to "tightrope" walk on the bumper of a 1979 Subaru. I ended up making it to the edge of the bumper and talking a fall. However, there was some metal on the fender that was sticking out. So, you can see where this is going. I was one of the first kids in Colorado to have internal dissolving stitches! I remember seeing my own stomach and getting staples put in. It was also my grandma's birthday.
#25 Like Gymnasts Do
I was at volleyball practice and celebrated that we made a point. I did this by jumping and pulling my legs in the air in front of me (like gymnasts do to form a 90-degree angle. Turns out, that was a bad idea when you’re in front of the net. My feet got caught in the net and I fell backwards. I broke my fall with my left wrist, which broke my arm.
#26 Still Processing
I was at work, very stressed and tired. There was a skateboard on the ground about 10 feet away from me. We just kept it around to casually ride whenever we needed a break from our work. I didn't know how to skateboard beyond just being able to slowly roll around. I saw the skateboard as I was pacing around and, without thinking, ran over to it and jumped on.
As you would expect, it went flying out from under me and I slammed into the concrete floor. I just stayed there on the floor for a minute, baffled by what I had just attempted while my hip bone throbbed from the impact. I have no idea where the impulse to do that came from, and my brain was too sluggish to stop myself before it happened. I'm so glad I didn't hurt myself more seriously since I was the only one in the building. I was even more relieved nobody was there to see me do something so incredibly stupid.
#27 Achieving the Impossible
I was holding a spoon in my mouth (just holding it with my mouth, my hands weren’t holding on), and I dropped something on the floor. I bent down to get it and the handle of the spoon caught the table in front of me, jamming the spoon into the roof of my mouth. That’s right. I somehow cut myself with a spoon.
#28 Penny for Your Thoughts
In the fifth grade, I had to do a science experiment in which I dropped a penny and listened to the sound. I then had to see if the sound changed when the temperature of the penny was different. For the cold penny, I put it in the freezer. For the hot penny, I placed it directly on top of a light bulb and left it on for a few hours. Realizing the light bulb might be hot, I turned off the light before grabbing the penny. However, I forgot the penny could also burn me, having been on the bright light for several hours. And that's how I got painful blisters on my fingers.
#29 Discount Harry Potter
I was leaning over a fence post, trying to bend straight a nail I'd just missed. Rather than use the claw of the hammer, I used the face of the head of the hammer, slipped off and smashed myself in the forehead. A good 15 years later and I still have a scar on my forehead like a dollar store version of Harry Potter.
#30 Taking Heat
I have a red heat lamp for my pet iguana. One day, I was feeding her and I wondered if the light was hot enough to singe the water off of the kale. So, like an unbelievable idiot, I pressed the kale up to the bulb, which promptly exploded and cut my finger. Can someone please explain to me why I’m such an idiot?
#31 No, I’m Sure
Many years ago, I got far too partied out. I was dancing around at a club and saw a friend. I got extremely excited, jumped up to hug her and landed slightly awkwardly, breaking my foot. I proceeded to dance on it for several hours and walked numerous kilometers home. I was so sure I couldn’t have broken it while wearing sneakers and barely moving that I waited two days to go to the hospital.
#32 Ouch, My Pride
I was walking home from school as a teenager and saw two attractive young women across the street. I tried to "look cool" by putting a little strut in my step, but because I was looking sideways at them, I walked right into a telephone pole. They saw and burst out laughing. I was a little sore the next day, but it was mainly my pride that was wounded.
#33 Tie Your Laces
Remember when your parents told you to tie your laces or you would hurt yourself? Well, they were right. I was that kid who ran with untied laces. I fell and instinctively put both my arms out. I landed on my right hand and managed to snap my forearm and dislocate my wrist. As I had dislocated my wrist before, as I was accident-prone.
I panicked and tried to pop it back in myself. I then had to walk to the nurse's office at my school and wait for my parents to pick me up. At the hospital, the X-Ray was a little extreme, and I had to have surgery to correct my arm. 14 years later and my wrist still isn't the same and it still hurts in the cold.
#34 Stop Drop and Flop
I once fell into a campfire. Somehow, my bootlace got wrapped and stuck under a camp chair near the campfire. I stood up, the chair hit me in the back of the knees and I fell straight into the campfire. If I wouldn't have had long johns on under my jeans, I would have been severely burned. Thanks, Scoutmaster Ken for pulling me out of the fire. I did remember to stop, drop, and flop.
#35 Saucy Behavior
When I was in the fourth grade, I genuinely thought that it would be the most hilarious thing ever if I squeezed a hot sauce packet because a friend couldn't get it open. Unfortunately, the contents of the sauce packet ended up in my eye and before I knew it, a teacher was rinsing my eye out over the sink. Very cool.
#36 Blame the Brain
In high school, I tried to give the guy standing in front of me a light kick to the butt since we were joking around. I don't know how, but I slipped backwards. Obviously, I have reflexes and tried to break my fall… by breaking my arm in three places. Also, I once stepped on my own finger while struggling to put on my shoes. I tried stomping my foot in with my hand still gripping the sole. I hate my brain.
#37 Shattered Dreams
I was five years old at the time and had just watched Spiderman. Naturally, he inspired me. I tried to climb to the roof of my house, barely made it past the window sill and fell, scraping my knee pretty badly. I don't remember if I cried more about not being able to climb buildings like Spiderman or from the pain.
#38 A Child’s Determination
My friend and I were playing road hockey and the puck slid into the storm drain. Determined not to lose that puck, we lifted the cover and put it on the sidewalk. However, my friend put his side down first and let go. I panicked and went to drop it, but my left middle finger got crushed, so I ripped it out. I casually walked to my front door and said to my mom, "we might have to go to the hospital." She almost had a heart attack. I still have a really gnarly scar and it's a little less sensitive than my other digits.
#39 Evil Toilet
Do you want to hear a good one? I once cut my wrist open while flushing a toilet. I was trying to take a peaceful number two when my mom called me downstairs for some reason. So, I cut the session in the bathroom short and tried to rage flush the toilet. Well, the handle broke, but my arm just continued through.
#40 Mysterious Substance
My mom left a canister of pepper spray on the kitchen table. Next to this table was an open window. I didn't know what was in it and I wanted to see the color of this mysterious substance. So, I grabbed a piece of paper and I sprayed the can. The wind immediately blew the stuff into my face and into my eyes. This was about six years ago and my sister always tells this story at dinner.
#41 Donkey Rides You
I was riding on one of those playground spring animals. It was a donkey and I had my feet on the pegs and hands on the handlebars, but I was spooning it rather than sitting on it like normal. So, I yelled out to my friends, “Hey look I’m riding a donkey!” As soon as I yelled that, I fall off the back, the donkey rocked forward, then rocked back and slammed into me, breaking off a half-circle of my front teeth.
#42 Ready to Rumble
I broke my arm playing softball and then spent six weeks in a cast. Not that dumb, right? Well, the day I got my cast off, no one told me not to arm wrestle anyone. Four hours after taking the cast off, the same lady was putting a new one back on. I mean, surely they should tell you not to do something dumb while taking it off right? Right?!
#43 Hiding in Plain Sight
When I was 21, I was applying for my first job at a very famous company. After the interview was done, I wanted to grab something to eat, so I decided to go to the cafeteria across the street. The cafeteria was a big one and very well-maintained. It had a glass door, very polished, to the point that it became invisible at first glance. I didn't see where the handle to open it was since I was in a rush. I bonked my head right on the door, in full public view. I didn't get hurt, but I had a big bump right in the middle of my forehead for a few days.
#44 Poor Timing
One day, I was taking my dog outside to use the bathroom early one morning. Snoopy decided he had to go really bad and started flying down the stairs of the back porch. He was on a leash and I didn't want to hurt him and make him fall down the stairs, so I rushed out behind him. I was wearing a pair of wool socks and slippers. As I awkwardly started following him, the bottom corner of the screen door clipped me on the heel.
It hurt a bit and I just limped around as he did his business. When I got back inside, I decided to take my sock off because it was uncomfortably hurting. I pulled it off and saw that I actually have a pretty big gash across the back of my ankle. A literal screen door did that to me all because of poor timing.
#45 Bottle Opener
I was trying to remove the plastic label on a water bottle with a knife. My left hand was holding the bottle near the cap and my right hand holding the knife horizontally, so that it was pointing straight to my left hand. While trying to remove the plastic, it slipped and went straight to my left hand. I now have a scar between my pointer finger and thumb.
#46 Up the Ladder
My dad was cleaning out the gutters on the roof and asked me to hand the hose up to him. I didn’t want to climb the ladder, so I tried to toss it up at him. I missed and the metal ring on the end came back down and hit me on the eye. I busted my face open and looked like I got punched. I should’ve climbed the ladder.
#47 In His Own Way
After a long, fun night of partying, the girl I had a huge crush on asked if I wanted to spend the night at her house. I was ecstatic. On the way out of the restaurant, I saw a tiny snowbank, and in my excitement, I jumped over it. I landed weird and ended up breaking my ankle. She witnessed the whole thing. Instead of spending the night at her house, I spent the night in the hospital.
#48 For the First Time
I actually broke my arm for the first time when I was in the eighth grade because I was walking backwards and somehow tripped over a median in the road. It was the first day of spring break and our first day up at my cousin’s house in the middle of nowhere. It was a great start to the week, though, not going to lie.
#49 Ice Skating; First Encounter
I went ice skating for the first time at an ice skating rink. We were allotted 100 minutes of skate time (paid to use the skates and for the amount of time). I slipped and fell, no more than seven minutes into our time. I ended up in the ER with a nasty sprained ankle, my dignity lost, and a work excuse note that read, “ice skating; first encounter.”
#50 Take That, Pigeon
I tried to head butt a pigeon when I was about four years old. At the time, I used to live in London. I was running full speed trying to smash my head downwards to head butt this innocent bird minding its own business. I tripped over a rock and head-butted a sharp rail. I now have a two-inch scar over my eyebrow.
