What To Do When The Financial Burdens In A Relationship Are Unequal
Don't get us wrong, finances shouldn't always be equal in a relationship. Sometimes, job losses happen and one person needs to cover for the other, but generally speaking, the more egalitarian you can make your finances in a relationship, the fewer fights about money you'll have. But what happens when your relationship isn't equal, and your spouse spends all their money without contributing anything? What should you do?
Define The Problem Clearly To Your Partner
If you're noticing that they always have money for "fun" things like a new pair of jeans, shoes, and drinks with their friends, but don't contribute anything to the household, then it's time you brought that up to them. Even if you make more money than they do, there's no reason why you should pay for everything.
If They're Working, There's No Reason Why They Can't Contribute
We get it, job loss happens, and sometimes one person has to pick up the slack for the other. But if your partner is working, even a minimum-wage 9-to-5 job, there's absolutely no reason why they shouldn't contribute to the household. Being solely financially responsible for a house shared by two people is completely unfair.
Keep Track Of Exactly How Unequal Things Are
Before you confront your partner, gather evidence such as bank statements, track cash expenses, and credit card purchases. Gather evidence of how it's all on you. If this is the first time this has ever happened, then they may be hiding something like a gambling addiction that's preventing them from contributing equally.
Itemize What You Pay For
Create a detailed list of everything that you pay for, for as long as you've been the sole financial provider. Keep a list of how much everything costs and total it up at the end of the month. This may help them to see the error of their ways, when they see how much you've been paying.
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Start Having Conversations About Your Finances
Although your conversations about money should be happening all the time, some couples just don't talk about it. If this is you and your spouse, then you must start having conversations about your finances. Even if you don't bring up how angry you are right away about their lack of contributions, even broaching the subject may be enough for them to realize the error of their ways.
Having The Conversation
Despite how angry you may feel, it probably won't be productive to start off angry. Broach the subject of finances and how much you've been paying in a calm manner. Something like, "I feel like we need to talk about our financial situation". Lay it all out for them, provide your printed bank statements or Excel spreadsheets that track your spending.
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Ask Them If They're Hiding Anything
It's possible that your fiancée may be hiding a gambling or other addiction that's costing them (and your family) dearly. Give them an opportunity to come clean about it—this could be a good thing, as they may have been waiting for you to ask if everything's okay before coming out with it themselves. Of course, you've been too stressed about paying for everything, but this could be a healing moment.
If They Admit To Active Addiction, Get Them Treatment
It's possible that your significant other may admit to being in active addiction, or have other money problems that are preventing them from contributing meaningfully to the household. If this is the case, help them to get the help they need.
If They Vow To Change Their Ways, Come Up With An Agreement
If your fiancée vows to change their ways and begin contributing more, it's important that you come up with some sort of verbal (or even written) agreement for what that looks like. If you're struggling to provide for everything, see if they'd be willing to take over more expenses than 50/50, to make up for the fact that you've been paying for everything.
Create A New Household Budget That Lists Payment Responsibilities
If you haven't been using a household budget, then it's definitely time to start. You can create a simple budget for now, listing all of your outgoing expenses and your joint monthly income. Then, divide your expenses between the two of you, adding in details like billing dates and who's responsible for what. You should be responsible for updating this spreadsheet when payments are made.
Set A Clear Timeline As A Trial Period
Rebuilding financial security for your family and trust between you and your partner requires time and consistency. During your discussions, set a clear timeline for a trial period for them. Make it clear that any missteps when paying their fair share of things will not be tolerated.
Here's How To Keep Them On Track
Of course, any long-term relationship with this person will be based on trust and verification. If they vow to make changes and begin to contribute, you'll need to find a way to keep them on track. This could be best done by tracking when they pay for things by entering it into the spreadsheet.
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Ask Them To Share Their Finances
If you aren't already sharing financial information (we're talking small details like, "Oh, I have $500 left in my account for the month, not your SSN), then that's A) a huge red flag for the relationship, but also makes it impossible to rebuild trust. Ask your significant other to share aspects of their finances with you.
Help Them Create A Personal Budget
Even though you may have a household budget, you should offer to help your partner create a personal budget. This is a great way to lay out all of their expenses and financial responsibilities to the family unit. Encourage them to take a close look at their monthly expenses and see if there's anything they could cut out while they're rebuilding financial trust.
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Make It A Zero-Based Budget To Spend Intentionally
Zero-based budgets are a fantastic way to revamp your financial life and unlearn bad spending habits—perfect for your situation. With a zero-based budget, your income minus your expenses each month should equal $0 by month's end. You should spend or save every dollar you make to teach you to spend money with intention.
Why Intentional Spending Is Useful
Money problems are really attitude problems hiding behind dollars and cents. If your fiancée has an attitude problem about finances and money, encouraging them to be intentional with every last dollar will, over time, help them to undo their poor attitude toward finances and savings.
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Zero "Fun Money" Until They've Kicked Their Bad Habits
Your insight into their finances may reveal things like gambling habits or spending in secret. These are obviously huge issues of trust that will take time to work through and rebuild, if the relationship is to be saved. Institute a policy that they get zero "fun money" until such time as their spending habits are under control. Every dollar they make gets put back into the family unit.
Rebuild Their Credit Score
If their spending habits have caused their credit score to be suddenly in the toilet, then that's going to take time to rebuild. This could particularly impact any plans you may have to jointly do things like buy a home or finance a bigger vehicle. Ensure they're taking proactive steps to rebuild damaged credit.
Give Them Some Flexibility, In Time, To Show That They've Changed
We're not talking one month here. But, maybe six months down the line, if all is going well and they're paying their fair share, give them some flexibility in their spending. Of course, this leeway will need to be in the form of an ultimatum, with an understanding that if they mess up, their chance at redemption is gone and so are you.
Create A Short-Term Financial Plan
After they've established that they can indeed be responsible with their money, it's time to create a short-term financial plan to re-establish any family financial goals that may have suffered a setback. This could entail rebuilding your emergency savings, especially if you had to dip into it to bail out your spouse's bad financial decisions.
How To Create A New Emergency Fund
Creating a brand-new emergency fund can feel soul-destroying, but it's necessary to protect your family from emergencies. You and your significant other should split contributions to the fund 50/50 and have set days on which the fund is contributed to. It helps if this is happens on payday for both of you.
Automate Your Savings As Much As Possible
When something is automatic, we don't seem to think about it. This can be a great way to ensure your significant other stays financially responsible, by ensuring that the savings plan that you both agree on to create your emergency fund is automated. Every payday, you both contribute X amount that goes from your checking account to your savings account automatically.
Put Yourself In Charge Of Accounts
If you've demonstrated that you are the financially responsible one in the family, then ask your significant other to put you in charge of making big money moves, like making significant withdrawals for large purchases. Keep a close eye on the account. This isn't forever, but until trust has been restored, it's better for the health of the relationship that the fiscally-responsible one is in charge of managing the money.
Set Savings Contributions Expectations
You should set reasonable expectations for your significant other to contribute to the joint savings account, which houses your emergency fund. Really, they should be contributing more than you are, as they're the one that put you in this position to begin with. Set expectations of a dollar amount that they'll contribute every month and make sure it's their number one priority.
Encourage Them To Get A Second Job If Possible
Refilling your emergency fund should be the top priority for both of you, so much so that your significant other should hustle like they've never hustled before to refill that emergency fund with three to six months' worth of expenses. This may mean they have to get a second job. So be it. Encourage them to do whatever they can to shore up your buffer zone.
Ensure They Take Accountability
Part of healing from financial mistreatment is taking accountability for their actions. A simple, "Sorry, it won't happen again" isn't enough. You need to see action behind those words. They should be doing everything they can to help you rebuild their trust and your joint financial life.
You Are Not Their Trust Fund
Even if you make more money than your significant other, you are not their trust fund. Sure, you can help them out from time to time with certain small expenses, but you are not their trust fund for when their money runs out. Part of their new responsibility is to ensure they have enough to cover their own monthly expenses. Do not allow yourself to fall back into a pattern of covering for them.
How They Could Earn More Money
If part of the problem for your partner was that they weren't earning enough money to cover their expenses, so were dipping into the family purse to do so, there are a number of ways they could earn more money, allowing them to quit their minimum-wage job and pursue a more meaningful career.
Going Back To School
Obtaining a higher educational degree is one excellent way to boost one's employability across a broader sector of the market. If they just have a high school diploma, encourage them to inquire about a one- or two-year college course in a discipline they're passionate about.
Take A Second Job
If they're okay staying at their regular 9-to-5, then encourage them to take a second job. Even if it's just for one day of the weekend or a couple of evenings a week. They don't have to stay in that second job position forever, just until the family's financial coffers are re-filled.
Sell Their Investments
If you don't have time to wait for their paychecks to start flowing into the household emergency fund, suggest that they sell off some investments to make up the difference. If they've got a few thousand sitting in an investment account, now would be the time to sell those off. The loss of years of compound interest growth is the price they pay for being foolish with their income.
Keep Your Finances Separated
Having joint bank accounts is one of the things that comes along with being in a long-term, committed relationship with another person, let alone being married to them. But a betrayal of this sort can really make you question whether that joint account is a good idea. It might be a good idea to close the joint account and keep your finances separate until they can demonstrate they've changed.
Write Out A Prenuptial Agreement
As they're your fiancée, you're not married just yet. If you don't already have a prenuptial agreement, then get one drawn up ASAP. This will protect you, should the marriage fall apart and financial improprieties recur. This is a legally-binding document, so ensure you have it reviewed by a lawyer.
Ensure You're Still On The Same Financial Page
If they've stayed true to their word and are doing all the right things, including sticking to their payment obligations on household goods and re-stocking the emergency fund when they can, have a family meeting to ensure that you're still on the same financial page in terms of your goals. Do you both still want the same things from life?
Set Yourselves Up With A Financial Advisor
Once your partner's financial impropriety is in the past and you've both agreed to move on from it, and they've demonstrated a clear willingness to change and the capability to do so, it's time to reach out to a financial advisor and start discussing long-term financial goals.
Healing Can Begin & Your Future Looks Bright
Once you and your partner have sat down with a financial advisor and come up with long-term financial goals that make you both excited and happy, then healing can begin. Your new future with this redeemed person now looks bright and cheerful, as they have a better grasp of their finances and you have regained a sense of trust in them.
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